The 12 Most WTF Christmas Songs (that are so bad they're good)

It's no shock that my ice-cold no-heart absolutely goes coo-coo for Christmastime. I have written in the past about My Christmas Memories and My Favourite Gingers from Christmas TV Specials. And it was when I recently changed my radio station from CBC Radio 1 (99.1) to CHFI 98.1 (aka Mom Rock) to hear 24-hours of Christmas music daily that I thought "Why the hell haven't I written about my favourite Christmas songs yet?"

Exactly. And without further adoo, here is...

The 12 Most WTF Christmas Songs (that are so bad they're good)

12. All I Want for Christmas is You

Why it's bad: Are you kidding me? All you want for Christmas is a boyfriend? Who the fuck wrote this song, Cosmopolitan? Are you going to jam ice cubes into his taint the minute you get him? (You know...to seduce him. This is what Cosmo tells me men like. Taint-play and ice cubes). Mariah, I already got you a Sex and the City DVD set, and I can't return it...soooo....
Why it's so bad it's good: Do NOT sit there and tell me those first few bars of music don't scream THIS! IS! CHRISTMAAAAAS! The minute I hear the beginning of this song, I run to the kitchen to make an eggnog with rum.

11. Do They Know it's Christmas

Why it's bad: God, thanks for the reminder that the World is in the toilet, Captain Bringdown. I almost forgot that people were starving in Africa, and thanks to you I can no longer enjoy my candy cane by the fire. The lyric I hate the most is "In this world of plenty". Hey, Sir Bob Geldof! Come over to my house and tell me what's in my fridge! That's right, plenty of soy-sauce packets and expired Yogurt (that I definitely plan on eating). Oh, and when you're done counting all the boxes of baking soda in my fridge (Answer: 1) you can join me on my IKEA Klippan sofa (yes, that's the cheap one that smells like Swedish rats).
Why it's so bad it's good: It spawned America's We Are The World and Canada's Tears Are Not Enough. Two reasons, right there.

10. Last Christmas

Why it's bad: Dude, you're lucky that last Christmas all George Michael gave you was his heart. But seriously, for a man who meets nameless sex partners in the park at 3am, you'd think he wouldn't get so fucking emo about a guy not returning his calls.
Why it's so bad it's good: Who was the producer of this music video? Glamorshots?

9. White Christmas (Jingle Cats)

Why it's bad: IT'S FUCKING CATS.
Why it's so bad it's good: IT'S FUCKING CATS!!!!

8. Step Into Christmas

Why it's bad: Oh Elton Elton Elton. "Welcome to my Christmas song"? Jesus Christ, how lazy. Why not just lead off with "Looks like I'm writing a Christmas song...". Plus "We could watch the snow fall for ever and ever"? Have you ever sat watching snow fall for longer than 30 minutes? I'm pretty sure any longer and you turn into Jack Nicholson from The Shining.
Why it's so bad it's good: Elton John can do no wrong in my books. Plus, I like to imagine this was the time he was into the drugs; it's really the only way I can explain this song.

7. Christmas Is

Why it's bad: Only Family-Friendly Run DMC could have recorded this Christmas-Rap (aka CRAP). Imagine approaching NWA with this idea? Also, here is what I take away from this song:
- Santa doesn't hit up Inglewood
- Give Run DMC all your money
- Black kids are greedy. A Bike, Sega Genesis, AND a Nintendo?? I'd get the taste slapped out of my mouth if I asked for that much shit.
Why it's so bad it's good: He may be greedy, but I do love that little kid at the end. "Turn my Mommy's lights back on!" Oh, if only it was that easy...how much you have to learn.

6. The Christmas Song (Alvin & The Chipmunks)

Why it's bad: Is there anything more festive than a pushy stage dad forcing his children into the spotlight? I think Dina Lohan plays this song on repeat every Christmas. "Oh Ali, if only you were a rodent. I could work you twice as hard". But let's step back for a second and examine the song AND video, shall we?
1. Dave, a single man in his mid-30s, adopts 3 talking rodents. For the sake of argument, let's just pretend they're no different from children.
2. His first instinct is to force them into show business.
3. He builds a recording studio in his home to ensure they are working 24-7.
4. Alvin repeatedly asks for a hula-hoop for Christmas. What are hula-hoops, like $2? How much is the Chipmunk dynasty worth, like $9 million? Jesus Christ, buy the kid a damn hula-hoop! You're lucky he doesn't want Legal Emancipation for Christmas.
5. At 0:50, Alvin appears to be high. I will just go ahead and pretend I never saw Simon spraying that perfume and assume Dave is a hard-core narcotics user.
6. At 2:52, we can clearly see Alvin suffers from severe Tourettes Syndrome.
Why it's so bad it's good: Aw, this is a classic. If our current culture is any indication, highly-filtered and processed vocals will never go out of style!

5. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Why it's bad: Who is this Richie Rich-motherfucker who is asking for a wild animal for Christmas?? AND he gets picky! "No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses". Oh, I'm sorry - I forgot how 2007 a Crocodile was. How about we just skip the hippo and go straight for hunting humans for sport? I'll get the rifle.
Why it's so bad it's good: This song is every stoner's dream: big long words, non-sequiturs, a weird child's voice, the vaguest connection to Christmas.

4. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Why it's bad: Um, it's a song about an elderly woman being bludgeoned to death by the hooves of a wild animal on Christmas Eve. How is this in any way appropriate for the Holiday season? And how long after her death was it written? In what fucked-up world does one receive news of a relative's death and your first thought is "Holy shit, this would make a hilarious song".
Why it's so bad it's good: I like to call this one The Redneck Carol. Grandma gets wasted on Christmas eve (probably on Eggnog and Cheaters Whiskey). She decides to go home because she has forgotten her medication and would like to spend the rest of the evening heavily sedated on prescription pills and cheap liquor. The next morning her family goes outside (to use the bathroom, presumably) and finds her dead body in the snow with a hoof print in her forehead (blunt force trauma). They mourn in the way they know best (black NASCAR shirts) and open the deceased's gifts. It's what Grandma would have wanted.

3. Santa Baby

Why it's bad: I have a feeling this is every Long Island/Jersey Shore trashbag's favourite Christmas song. Things mentioned in this song:
1. Tiffany jewelery
2. Penthouse apartment
3. Fur coat
4. Fancy car
5. The deed to a platinum mine (who is this bitch, Scrooge McDuck?)
6. Thinly-veiled sexual innuendo
Why it's so bad it's good: The Madonna-as-Betty Boop version, Eartha Kitt's version. Both very cute and adorable additions to a Christmas party playlist.

2. Baby It's Cold Outside

Why it's bad: WHERE DO I START?!?!?!?? Speaking of Jersey Shore, let's break this song down too:
1. Guy wants to get laid
2. Girl is all "Yo! I gotta bounce!"
3. Guy is like "These roofies say you're not going nowheres"
4. Girl is all "What's in this drink? For real, this ain't Sierra Mist!"
Why it's so bad it's good: It's just too darn charming :( I don't care how blatant the date-rape is in this song, it's adorable. Plus, with the guy-part/girl-part, it's great for karaoke.

1.
The Christmas Shoes

Why it's bad: I. JUST. CAN'T. I really cannot explain this song better than Patton Oswalt does. Enjoy - this is my Christmas present to all of you.

This Bitch? (am I right or am I right)

Photoshopping blood; it's what I do best, I guess. So it's been a week since the Finale of America's Next Top Who Gives a Fuck, and this bowl of lukewarm soup was crowned "Best in Show". Congrats Nicole, you're going places...namely the chair beside the phone to wait for the agent who will never call. Hey, it's technically a location; plus its absorbent upholstery will soak up all your salty stoner tears.

Anyways, I feel bad for taking so long to write the Finale follow-up, but I just couldn't get jazzed about it. Ty and I watched it (obvies) but I lost our conversation, so you don't get our usual recap (I know. SADNESS). So instead we have a picture of Nicole as a weird possessed zombie, which I think we can all agree is a good compromise.

And with that, we hang up our hats on Cycle 13 of ANTM. But it's not all bleakness and depression (were you really that upset? I know, probably not). Cycle 14 will bring us way more amazingness and reasons to watch!!! Kimora returns to the judging table!! Miss J returns to runway coaching!! ANDRE LEON TALLEY!! Are you hearing this? The ANTM Judging panel just morphed into the bitchy girl table from your High School cafeteria. See you then!

Yo! I have a new blog

Hello friends! I know it's been a while, but I have been rull busy. I started raising ferrets and they're taking up a lot more time than I thought. Did you know they need to be fed EVERY day? Ferrets are hard.

Anyways, I took some time off raising mah baybehs to start a new blog with my bff. We're both terrible at Photoshop but love making collages, so we figured "If it keeps us off the streets and inside our parent's basements, it's a-ok!" Click here to see the beauty. Warning! Don't look at it if you've been smoking peyote non-stop for the past 48-hours.

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 10 - The Final Two

People, it happens next week. Bloody Eyeball vs. Spittle Country. WHO WILL WIN (Nicole, doye). WHO WILL LOSE (we all lose).

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

SPOILER ALERT! My no-heart laughed and laughed...but I also felt bad for the bunny. You can tell he'd rather be in the arms of Alex Forrest than be forced to bash his paws on that piano. By the by: what do you think BB Stands for? I'm going to guess Bobby Brown (imagine?) but it's probably Bitchthisis Bullshit. Will someone check this rabbit's ID? This shit is going to keep me up at night!

Sidebar - shoutouts go out to my BFF who uses her boyfriend's cat Jean-Luc in the same way. She holds him up and makes it look like he's driving a car. Oh animals! Always making sure we're entertained (and well fed).

Happy Monday! Y'all want a Do, Date or Dump?

Okay, so it's Monday night and I'm halfway The Big Bang Theory. I recently reacquainted myself with BBT after an extended hiatus (I'm not sure what else I was watching. Maybe some crappy VH1 show? Yeah, I'll go with that). Anyways, I was sitting here thinking of a post for tomorrow and realized "wait a second...this show is full of hotties (UNLIKELY). Why don't I do a Do, Date or Dump about The Big Bang Theory?" So here we are. Let's get nerdy!

Leonard (Johnny Galecki)
Shit, this is hard, because am I DD-or-D'ing their characters or the actors who play them? Because would I Dump Leonard (sorry, but I find him too whiny. And short. I know, I'm shallow) but I would Date Johnny Galecki. HEY - don't act like you didn't have a huge crush on him during his David Healy days (or his Russ Griswold days. You sicko).

Howard (Simon Helberg)
I LOVE Howard, so it's definitely a Do. Plus, I love his charming Jewwyness and those turtlenecks. And it's funny - this is totally a reverse of the Leonard/Johnny Galecki paradigm. I would totally Do Howard, but Dump Simon Helberg. It's like Nerd + Charming + Jew = Adorable! But Charming + Jew = Swarthy (ergo, not adorable).

Rajesh (Kunal Nayyar)
Um. Dump? I think? Ouch, and I hate saying that because I know at least a handful of you out there are shouting RACIST!!!1! But allow me to meet your racism with a tolerance: I would Do, Date, and Run Drugs for both Russell Peters AND Kal Penn (especially Kal Penn). I dunno - Rajesh doesn't do anything for me; he's like a brown Fez.

Sheldon (Jim Parsons)
DATE DATE DATE!!! I love Sheldon so much, and I don't care that he would Asperger me to death, I want to marry him. He can talk down to me anytime. I'd let him put his smugness in my stupidity (that doesn't even make sense). But sadly...I think that Jim Parsons may be gay. Which means, in no uncertain terms, does he want to put his peen in my vajeen. I did a rudimentary Google search, and it seems he's straight, but there are also rumours he is dating Kaley Cuoco (STEP OFF BITCH), so I don't even know what to think. So I'll finish with this:


Dear Jim Parsons

Look, I know you're a big-time celebrity, and I'm just a mildly-famous blogger, but I really think I could make a great wife. For example, I have amazing hair. This is important because you need to be seen with a terrific looking lady at all your big-time celebrity fuckfests. As well, I am not fat anymore, so I won't break red carpets or Johnny Galecki. Thirdly, I am very funny. This is important because you will have to be funny all day at work and you will want to come home and not be "on". I will make you laugh, and make you tasty dinners. Speaking of which, I am good at making eggs and toast, so we'll always have Breakfast for Dinner (everyone's favourite!) I'm also good at cereal (both hot and cold). As well as my kitchen skills, I will do sexy stuff with you but you need to constantly compliment me on my great hair and amazing skin. I used to have terrible acne and hair that looked like a bleached-out Halloween wig, and now I operate on compliments and narcissism. Deal with it. I am tall, like you, and I am prepared to tolerate that you're from Texas. One time I had a layover in the Dallas airport, and it was lovely!

Anyways, just marry me, K? I'll make you cookies.
xoxo

The Mayor

Not being depressed and mopey: 1 Year Later

Hey friends! Let's all gather around the fire for little chat, shall we? Pull up a chair. Warm yourself a mug of Postum. Put on your sweatpants. Are you comfortable? Good. Let's chat.

It was exactly one year ago that I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of the apartment we shared, and I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. In the event you don't remember (or you never read it because you were thoroughly disinterested in my life) you can re-read it here. It's coming back to you isn't it; remember how mopey and sad-sacky I was? Good lord. I was like a 3-legged dog mated with a Cure album - SUPER SAD. Anyways, a year has passed and I thought it would be cool to go back and re-assess the Pros and Cons list I made about being single. What's changed in a year? What's stayed the same? What's with these lazy Skip-raid posts, am I right?

Being Single is Really Great

2008 I like that I don’t have to share by bed anymore
2009 Um, half and half. I'm a snuggler, and sometimes I miss having someone to cuddle up to.

2008 I can drink Diet Cokes for dinner and no one will tell me I “need to eat better”
2009 Yeah, this lasted for all of 9 months and then one morning I woke up looking like a fat-ass. I had to start eating like an adult (which also means I lost a shitload of weight. WIN)

2008 I can talk about my TV/real life crushes out loud
2009 Still do. I LOVE YOU, JOEL MCHALE!

2008 I will watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without anyone telling me I am watching shitty TV
2009 If anything, I watch even more shitty TV than I have in my entire life. I love it. Do you think I could watch Toddlers and Tiaras if I still lived with my boyfriend? Well...I could, but I'd never hear the end of it.

2008 I watched How I Met Your Mother for the first time, just because I wanted to oogle Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris
2009 ...and now I watch it regularly for the sharp writing and clever story arcs.

2008 I want to buy nice underwear now
2009 AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm still in the same crappy American Apparel I was in a year ago. Maybe I'll start buying nice underwear (unlikely).

2008 I can go to the mall for 4 hours if I want to
2009 Oh, and I do. I also kill time at the Library now, and one time I spent an hour and a half in a Starbucks.

2008 I love pretending I give a shit when people talk about marriage (big mistake, suckers)
2009 I don't even pretend anymore. That "big mistake, suckers" has been promoted from parentheses to lead-in sentance.

2008 I can do anything I want
2009 I really can. Right now I am spending my extra time watching The Larry Sanders Show on DVD and learning French, and no one is telling me I'm neglecting them or not spending enough time with them. It's terrific (so is The Larry Sanders Show, by the way)

Being Single Licks Homeless Assholes

2008 I am lonely as shit
2009 Yeah, I was lonely in the beginning, but that was just during my adjustment to single life. I haven't felt true, profound loneliness in a very long time.

2008 Christmas is the loneliest holiday for single people
2009 I made this blanket statement before Christmas. I had a feeling I'd be spending my holidays like a Cathy-comic, so I decided to do everything in my power to reverse this. I baked. I hung out with friends. I made Christmas cards. I went for snow-walks. And last year I had a pretty good Christmas.

2008 I want to go to the movies with someone
2009 Not really. I started going to the movies by myself and I LOVE IT. If you have never gone to the movies by yourself, you need to try it. It's great! Plus, no one eats all your popcorn and you get to take the rest home and eat it in bed (that sounds like something Liz Lemon would do).

2008 I sometimes want to wake up on Saturday morning and have brunch with someone
2009 ...and I do. I call up my sister or a friend or go by myself. A man sitting across from you does not a brunch make.

2008 No one is here to laugh at my jokes
2009 Fuck that. I have a roommate who laughs at my jokes, and I have my mom (who is very patient and a real saint) who listens to my lame jokes on the phone. Plus, I have you turds (I know, single tear).

2008 I feel like I need to go to the gym
2009 I didn't need to go to the gym, but I did need to stop eating cookie dough for breakfast. I learned the hard way (aka getting too fat to fit into Urban Outfitters clothing).

2008 I don’t like having to shave my legs
2009 My friend Franca introduced me to Nair Wax Strips and now I can go weeks without worrying about whether or not my legs are gross. In general, I keep the same personal upkeep I did when I had a steady, except now I maybe wear makeup more often and I use hairspray.

So all in all, I'm still single. That's not to say I'm not dating; I just don't have a reason to change my facebook status just yet. So to all of you sad-sacks out there who are in the same, boat - cheer up! Life goes on, and being by yourself isn't bad - it's what you make of it. If you choose to mope and be sad and get fat and cry all the time, then that's what you'll be - a big, fat, crying Cthulu. Or you can realize how awesome your life is and go from there. High fives and smiles.

xo

The Mayor

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 9 - And Then There Were Four

Last night on ANTM was like a Ripley's Believe It or Not: we had a REAL, FAMOUS short model as the guest judge! And who was this currently-working (and not for JC Penney) model? That's right! None other than Victoria's Secret/Sports Illustrated/Maxim/Frequent Teenage Boy's Masturbation Subject Marissa Miller. But she wasn't there just to roll around in the sand for 13 minutes and show the girls how to walk on their tippy-toes; she also gave them hope for their own careers!

"Not only am I an American Supermodel, but I'm also 5'8!"

Yeah, I am so sure it has nothing to do with these:

You too can have a career that makes your father feel he made some pretty significant parenting mistakes during your formative years! All you need is enough money for a set of good boobs, a nose job, regular spray-tans, a full set of veneers, and the constant feeling that there is someone younger and prettier who will take your job. Fun times!

But honestly, having Marissa Miller guest on the show is like Oprah guest on a reality show called America's Next Top Black Female Television Host. "Hey ladies! If you work hard enough, you may have a career as successful as mine...but probably not, so don't get your hopes up." Could you imagine any of these girls doing what Marissa Miller does?


Yeah, I'm sure Maxim would sell a million copies. Sarcasm.

Moving on. I can't believe we've made it this far; last night's episode gave us our final 4 shawties, and can I say? It wasn't the four I had assumed. If I were to go back to my initial reaction to the models, I would have predicted Lulu, Brittany, Erin, and Nicole. But shocker amongst shockers; I really didn't think Sundial would make it this far. Week after week, she shot like one of the orphans from an off-off-off Broadway production of Annie.

Although there's nothing 8-year-old raggamuffin about this:


What is going on here? Sundial looks great! And yet, this wasn't enough to save her. In the words of Lilo & Stitch:
Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind.
Burn! Looks like you got left behind, Sundai! Just like in real life - you're not part of a family (OUCH. That was hurtful, even for me. Anything for a joke with this one). Let's move on before I make anymore "Sundai is from a broke-ass home" jokes.


Now for the winner, Jennifer. Doesn't this look like a Photoshop-Frankenstein? I feel like they just pieced together body parts and threw Jennifer's head on the top. And what the hell are they trying to sell in this shot? My Memaw's bolero jacket and an ill-fitting white swimsuit? No thanks.


Nicole Nicole Nicole...here's something my roommate and I thought of last night while watching this shitty underwater Cirque du Soleil; how much of these poses are planned, and how much is pure luck? Posing underwater isn't a skill, it's just something you try to do and hope you don't look like a complete fool. Don't get me wrong - Nicole owns this shot - but so would I if you put me in makeup and threw me in the water and told me to "pose for your life".


Oh Laura. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Has Laura won anything? I feel like they're keeping her around just for her down-home charm and homespun catchphrases. Canada has Can-Con laws; does America have Hokey Yankee laws? Does every show on American TV need to have an element of Southern American Republican Backwards-ness? Let's look into that. Someone get me the Google.


Last, but not least (but mostly last) we have Erin aka Bratty Bratty Brat Brat. Okay, so two people get the boot next week AT THE SAME TIME, and I am really hoping that Erin is the first to let the door hit her where the good lord split her. Sweet jesus, she is irritating. I feel like someone needs to take her down a few pegs and lay her ass out at a party. It would be like in A League of their Own when Tom Hanks whips the mitt at Stillwell and hits him in the face.

Next week on ANTM...
Two bitches get the boot, two models will march that catwalk like call girls on the Ho Stroll, and all of us will feel stupider for watching this crap. Love you long time! See you later!

Romancing the Stone

Hey friends. As you know by now, it's no secret that, despite my undying hatred of hippies, I love hippie stuff. I am very easily tricked into buying the dumbest of shit when I walk into a Grassroots or Noahs; many times I have left a health food store with a paper bag full of pills that smell like a hamster cage. What I'm getting at is that I am an idiot. Here is but a small selection of retarded shit I have gotten into:
- all-natural shampoo bars (which, ps, don't work for shit)
- washing my face with ground-up rice powder
- the Diva Cup (which is actually decent and not that crazy)
- drinking hemp oil
- soap made from coal
- tea tree oil mouthwash (which tastes like hot garbage)
Needless to say, someone could sell me Special K re-labeled as Mother Earth Crunch and I would spend $12 on it. But there was one last dirtbag hippie threshold I had yet to cross: Crystal Deodorant.


Okay, so in the event you are well-adjusted and normal, allow me to describe what crystal deodorant is. It's a magic crystal that you put water on and rub under your arms, just like deodorant. Then you put it back into its container to dry, or possibly recharge, I'm not sure. One of my good friends has been using crystal deodorant for a while, so I decided to ask her to give me a few pointers on making the switch:

The Mayor: Okay, while I have you...let me ask you about hippie deodorant?

Ilana: Yes

The Mayor: Okay, so where did you hear about crystal deodorant? Because you are the first and only person I know to use it.

Ilana: The natural food store on the Danforth across from Canadian Tire. [Her boyfriend] actually used it first, and then I jumped on the bandwagon. And I think my friend Kim uses it, but yeah, not a lot of people.

The Mayor: When you don't use deodorant, do you smell that bad? Because I reek. One time I tried the Lush Deodorant Powder and I smelled so gross.

Ilana: It depends - when I'm not working, I don't think too much, but I work in a room with steam tanks so by mid-afternoon it always gets pretty warm, so I would be concerned to not have deodorant on.

The Mayor: Okay, but on like a regular basis - like if you didn't wear anything, you wouldn't smell?

Ilana: I'm not too sure really cause I always wear it. I realize this is not at all helpful.

The Mayor: It's cool. I think I may be I am an obscene smeller.

Anyways, I decided to document my journey from Dove Original to Crystal Deodorant. My sincerest apologies to the good people at Dove; you make a great product, but I am a moron and am easily convinced into buying bogus beauty products.

DAY ONE
Bought a crystal deodorant from The Nutrition House. I can't remember what kind (I tore off the label out of embarrassment) but I don't think it matters. I think the instructions told me I'm supposed to keep it in the fridge, but that's retarded and nobody tells me what to do, so its staying on my bathroom shelf.

DAY TWO
I followed the directions and wet it and put it on. I hate the feeling of wet armpits so much. It didn't dry completely so I had to wear a loose t-shirt. I kept smelling my arms to make sure it wasn't smelling like shit. When I went to bed I smelled my arms and they didn't smell terrible - I was even wearing a dirty shirt from the day before. Not bad.

DAY THREE
I couldn't smell if I was stinking, so I asked my roommate to smell my armpits, even though I thought I was crossing a line. I told her why I needed her to put her nose in my armpit and she told me that she uses crystal deodorant too, as if it's some kind of secret society. I feel like I'm in the Stonecutters now.

DAY FOUR
As of day four the deodorant was working (UNCOOL) so I decided to wear a tank top and grow out my pit hair to throw a wrench into things. Tanks tops always make me smell and pit hair - self explanatory. By the end of the day my armpits still don't smell like anything!

DAY FIVE
Crystal deodorant is Chronicles of Riddick. I wore the same shirt from the day before (that I also slept in) and it was fine all day. Blarg. I was hoping to smell like an out-of-work Persian cab driver.

DAY SIX
I finally shaved my arms in prep for Halloween, and also to test out how much this deodorant would sting when I applied it to freshly-shaved arms. It didn't sting. Miracle! I also spoke to my best friend and she told me she got tricked into crystal deodorant once too, but she reeked up the place. Apparently it's all the 'toxins' coming out of your armpits. What? I know.

DAY SEVEN
A whole week and I am really used to this magic deodorant. I like it a lot better than my old stuff, and I truthfully can't see myself going back to regular deodorant. There are no cons, only pros:
- reasonably priced (like $10 I think)
- lasts a year
- no smell (both perfumey and BO-y)
- no weird stains in your clothes
- still works in the morning
And trust me when I say it works - I smell terrible when I don't wear deodorant. I always sleep with my arms over my head and one time my ex-boyfriend came into the bedroom where I had been sleeping, opened the door, and his eyes started tearing up from the smell. He had to air out the room before he came to bed. Albeit this was when I was using only natural deodorant powder instead of drugstore deodorant, but still. According to him, it smelled like something had died in our bedroom. Fantastic!

OVERALL GRADE: Oh, for sure I give health food store Crystal Deodorant a big A+

The Dumbest "Sexy ___" Costumes of 09

Hey Spooks! Wait...uh...can someone double check for me on the term 'spook'? Can I use that? Even on Halloween it feels wrong. Anyways, I'm writing this from the hallway of my house where I'm anxiously waiting for Trick or Treaters to come to my house and rob me of my sweet sweet candy; and you know I give out good shit. No single-wrapped gumballs or foamy strawberries here! This year I'm giving out handfulls of caramel squares, Tootsie Rolls, M&Ms, Reese, KitKats, and Smarties. And when I say 'handfulls', I mean I give each kid like 8 or 9 treats. I've learned that candy is a currency for children and that the more candy I give, the less chance I have of getting my house egged.

Moving on. You know that every year I do some kind of costume breakdown, and this year I have decided to tackle the touchy subject of 'Sexy ____' costumes. You know what I mean; costumes that are more or less underwear paired with some kind of accoutrement to make it an 'idea'. Kind of like this:
This is a Sexy Cop, and this is the bread and butter of both boring Sorority skanks and fat wanna-be girls alike. Hell, it even has its own phrase: Slutoween. It's true: it's the only day of the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it (Thanks, Mean Girls!)

And this post actually sprang from a joke on Facebook. A friend of mine joked that they were going as Slutty Balloon Boy for Halloween, which is actually pretty good. You can take any Noun and add the prefix of Slutty, and you have a completely viable costume. Here's proof!


Sexy Wednesday Addams
Okay, this is bizarre to me because a) the Wednesday costume is pretty cute to begin with. Short black dress, stripy socks, long black braided wig, headless dolls and, more disturbingly, b) Wednesday is an 8-year-old girl (paging Chris Hansen). Nothing says sexy like "Hey boys, my name is Wednesday. I'm learning fractions and next week we start our weather unit in science. My favourite band is the Jonas Brothers and my favourite food is pizza"


Sexy Al Gore
"I love recycling and being green and am very concerned with my carbon footprint. Which is exactly why I bought this costume: it's made from 100% man-made fibers, sewn by Chinese sweatshop workers, and I plan on throwing it in the garbage after wearing it for 5 hours. I love the Earth."


Sexy Olive Oyl
This is unreal. First off, who in our generation even watched Popeye? This costume is about 20 years too old. The Popeye I know is Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall, so if you're going to go as any Shelley Duvall character and make it "sexy", go as Sexy Wendy Torrance.


Sexy Mental Patient
And now an entry from the good people at Horribly Tasteless Costume Warehouse...we have Sexy Mental Patient. This is the blackface of the mental illness world. Am I offended? Not really - I'm more offended that someone would willingly choose a costume that prevents drinking. Who doesn't get loaded on Halloween? That's fucking mental.


Sexy Hobo
"I have pubic lice, severe schizophrenia, and an addiction to methadone. I sleep in the bathrooms at the mall. Wanna watch me make out with another girl?"


Sexy Guitar
I don't understand anything about this costume. What a random Noun to pick. It's like you looked around your room and went:
"Sexy...coffee table? No. Sexy...TV Stand? No. Sexy...guitar? I think I could make it work...". But no, you didn't make it work. You look like the result of a 14-year-old boy getting three wishes from a Genie and the first one is "I wish I could fucking marry my guitar!" Sure enough, 9 months later your guitar gives birth to this monstrosity. But just when you think it doesn't get any lamer than a guitar...


Sexy House
On the costume website they say that this is the 'She's a Brick House' costume. Ha. Ha. I get it, it's a pun. Know what sucks about puns? EVERYTHING. Know what else sucks about this costume? You're dressed as a house. You should be punished for your crappy costume choice.


Sexy Bob the Builder
Santo Dios, what the fuck is wrong with her feet?!?!?!


Sexy Freddie Kruger
This bitch would be the first to die in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.


Sexy Rocky Balboa
Ugh, no comment. I...just can't. This is too lame, even for me.


Sexy Santa
Ho ho ho! I'm Santa! Or the general idea of Santa! But if you take away my over-sized candy cane and Santa hat, I'm just your average run-of-the-mill slut:

See? People people people. Adding a hat to lingerie does not a costume make. You're making your fathers cry.

And finally, the most retarded 'Sexy ____' costume of them all. When I saw this, I couldn't even fathom a guess at what it was supposed to be (I tried, but every idea started with the word "whore" and ended with a question mark). Here it is, the sluttiest of all Halloween costumes:


Sexy....Uh....What?
THIS. IS. NOT. A. COSTUME. This is black underwear, a bra, a mesh hoodie, and leg-warmers. This is in no way "dressing up" for Halloween. Are you a cold stripper? Are you the visual representation of low self-esteem? Are you legally retarded? DING DING DING! We have a winner!!