CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 7: the one where the dogs walk on their hind legs

Ty: Linsay can't win this. She would be the worst winner of a Top Model show ever.
The Mayor: Miss J!!!!!!
Ty: That was the most badass entrance ever. Maryam doesn't bare the skin cause it would usually equal a good snake in the sheets when she's not looking.
The Mayor: Oh god, walking around in their underwear? Chile...this is going to be a 20-minute boner for you.
Ty: I know! I should get the ice pack ready. Ewww....reeks like sex...not a nice thought. Although.....I probably wouldn't mind that smell if it meant Meghan were involved
The Mayor: Nikita walks like she's been up and down a stripper stage. I can't believe that Linsay is that natural cruising down a runway - doesn't she wear Mukluks 24-7 up in the Yukon?
Ty: “Rock the sock”. ummm...isn't that what twelve-year-old boys do?
The Mayor: Isn't that what you do? Rock the Sock? Rock the Tube Socks?
Ty: I knew you would go there
The Mayor: Ahahaha! Of course!! Dresses made out of toilet paper? Ugh, this is like a Bridal Shower. Yes!! Did you see Miss J's face when Maryam walked?!?!
Ty: Yeh. He was embarrassed for our entire country
The Mayor: Fuck! Maryam just ruined Linsay's dress! Although I guess she can't help it; terrorism is in her blood. Don't fight it, homegirl, take those bitches down!!
Ty: She was born with a grenade in her hand, just like Linsay was born with a smoke and a Blue Light in her hands
The Mayor: Just like Nikita was born with brass knuckles and a Mean Girls-style Burn Book. Oh my god, Maryam is a bitch!!! Fuck! There might be a fight in this episode!
Ty: Maryam is way too ESL for this shit. I wish that Meagan had dropped that hand
The Mayor: Look, if Meghan had dropped that hand, you wouldn't have seen anything you hadn't already seen at sleep-away camp when you were 12 years old. 12-YEAR-OLD BOY-BODY DISS!! Linsay won; she gets to pick out a new pair of Kamik Skidoo boots.
Ty: “Ewwwww...these don't smell like gasoline! There's no goose feathers in these!”
The Mayor: "She won't even understand what we're saying" - Nikita. Oh girl, stop it - you're going to put me out of a job.


Ty: “We weren't saying it in a mean way”.....right. That was totally nice of you to be borderline racist
The Mayor: "We were only making fun of her shitty New Canadian accent...that's like, way normal, right?"
Ty: Yeh. I do that to everyone I meet that doesn't speak like me. It's a Canadian tradition...just like apologizing before you do anything wrong and fucking moose
The Mayor: Oh wow, these CoverGirl shots are making those ANTM ones look good. That's not a compliment
Ty: Of all people, I understand that
The Mayor: OMG! I finally realized who Meghan reminds me of in these shots! LINDSAY LOHAN


Ty: F to the NO
A. She's not drunk
B. Her vag is clearly covered
C. She isn't a fuckin treasure map of freckles
D. She probably isn't inventing a new form of VD in her vag
E. She isn't a ginge
The Mayor: I'm sorry I just dissed your woman
Ty: I know....that's why I feel the need to beat down the Lohan
The Mayor: Ahaha - there's a girl who needs a good beat-down, a hot shower, and a shot of penicillin
The Mayor: So...they just put bangs over Nikita's...bangs? What?
Ty: Okay, honest Meagan criticism...when all the other girls are 'prettied' up, she doesn't stand out as much
The Mayor: That's right girls, drown your sorrows with booze! Ugh, Meghan is a Skinny Bones Jones. Can you admit that?
Ty: No. No I can't
The Mayor: You'd break her pelvic bone. Well...not you. But another guy might. DISS
Ty: DISS INDEED
The Mayor: I'm really on tonight
Ty: Did Jay handwrite that note?
The Mayor: An intern who gets paid in Olay soap did
Ty: I think Maryam was just giving herself a breast examination. Oooookay....who's going home? Not Linsay, that's the only sure thing
The Mayor: Okay, I'm going to go with Nikita.
Ty: Not a bad call
The Mayor: I could be way off, but I really think it's going to be Big Scunty N
Ty: I think Maryam has to go. HAS TO
The Mayor: I think the bottom two will be Nikita and Meghan
Ty: Really?
The Mayor: ZOOLANDER WALK-OFF!! Goddamn, this show is more and more Zoolander every week. What is Nikita wearing? She looks like a goddamn fool walking the ho stroll
Ty: Jay won't let this shit go! Doesn't he know that no rez folk ever get into fashion? For them, it’s a stretch to be asked to be in the SEARS catalog
The Mayor: Oh Linsay - that looks horrible. Her mouth looks like it's covered in Pepto Bismol-flavoured semen


Ty: ewwwww!
The Mayor: Maryam is so going home - her walk is a nightmare, and that shot is gross.
Ty: It is. She's dunzo. It is a weird shot
The Mayor: "It rocked my world" - Mike Ruiz. Really? WTF? Meghan is getting the shit kicked out of her. Well, homo-styles (aka General Bitchiness)
Ty: yeh. she was up against a lot. I'll console her
The Mayor: That shot looks like it was found in the back of a free weekly newspaper
Ty: Mike knows. Mike knows
The Mayor: Nikita is getting it from Tight Shirt Mike Ruiz. Ouch. Caliente.
Ty: I think he just squirted some poutine out his pooper
The Mayor: Maryam is going to fly a plane into Linsay's igloo
Ty: Two racial slurs in one sentence!
Ty: Wow. Trans am doesn't get it. She just plain doesn't get it
The Mayor: That was a gang-up. Oh man, you know what this means? Next week is the Final Three!!
Ty: can Miss Jay always be on panel?
The Mayor: Oh man, Linsay took it! You go, gas huffer! Nikita came second? What? Really?
Oh fuck, Meghan and Maryam...it's going to be Maryam for sure.


Ty: Clearly Trans Am is going home
The Mayor: You know what this means? Maryam's visa is going to expire and it's right back to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Ty: Next week!
The Mayor: SEASON FINALE!
Ty: Damn. I have no idea how it's going to play out
The Mayor: I'm calling Linsay.
Ty: Man, at this point it's tough
The Mayor: Pick your girlfriend, you scrub!
Ty: Okay. Fine. Meghan

As if, MTV - it's about frenching time!!

I am hy-purr-ventilating right now out of sheer excitement because I have just received the best news known to HUMANITY. What? No, Adrien Brody didn't ask me to be joined with him in Holy Jewtrimony (...not in real life, at least. Sigh...dreams...the only place the LAPD can't issue a cease-and-desist on celebrity stalking). Anypsycho...

Oh yeah! Big News! Okay, so I was reading Jezebel and they announced that MTV will be releasing EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED EPISODE OF DARIA ON DVD!! The bad news? I need to wait till 2010. Fuck, cammon! We can get every single piece of shit television show on dvd and yet it is taking you FOR-EV-URR to get Daria to disc? There had better be some amazing extras on that shit, because you know I am willing to wait in line and pay top dollar. Sike! I will wait outside Wal-Mart till security goes on break and then steal it. Fuck, who am I kidding? I'm going to line up and buy it.

Anyways, since MTV shot Daria, execution style, in 2002, there are like no clips on YouTube. For shame! But even if there were, I would have still posed this clip of the theme song with those terrific end-credit pictures. I used to get so excited for the end of each episode so I could guess the Pop Culture Reference. This one is great - someone has compiled a bunch of them. My favourites? Tom Sloan as Slim Goodbody, Mr. DeMartino as Divine, Jane as Flavor Flav, and the totem pole. Crap, can I just get cryogenically frozen till 2010 plz??

The Skip-Raid Interviews Mark Little

Hello hello everyone! It's that time again for another Skip-Raid interview! Okay spoiler alert! I don't give no red-hot-nevermind if you hate reading my interviews, but this one is a big one for two reasons.
1. This is the first interview I have done that was featured on VICE
2. This is my 10th interview!!!
I know, I can hardly believe it! It seems like just yesterday I was writing obscenely threatening letters to Joe Mathlete in order to coerce him into an interview, and now I have MASSIVE CANADIAN CELEBRITIES banging down my door just to sniff my hair (anydelusion...)

Okay, so this week we sit down with the very funny, very nice comedian Mark Little. The very rare few of you will know Mark for his stand-alone acts, but the greater majority of you know Mark from the sketch group Picnicface. And those of you who are still totally clueless will know Mark from Powerthirst, which needs to be fucking buried already, please?? We get it, Powerthirst is Crystal Meth in a can. Anyways, go ahead and read that VICE article for all the questions that got chosen (and it will set up this interview for you) and then come back and read the rest (aka The shit that got cut like a man-stealing chola). Our sincerest thanks for being a real sport and answering all our dumb Qs.



Full name: Mark Thomas Little.

Occupation: I manage to get by doing stand-up shows, sketch shows, and the occasional writing job. Plus I win $25,000 like every year.

Where you live: Halifax.

I heard you were home schooled. Does your mother talk in riddles? Because all the home schooled kids I know had insane moms.
Aw man that's totally a comedy lie. I have a joke about being home-schooled which doesn't quite work as well if I say, "Imagine I was home-schooled." But yeah, I know a few kids who were home-schooled and their moms were crazy. Crazy in the way you have to be if part of your identity is a fundamental distrust of teachers.

What have you done with your $25,000? I am imagining some kind of crude Scrooge McDuck set-up.
If you're referring to Scrooge's healthy banking strategies, then yes, I'm all McDuck. If you're referring to the fully doublooned swimming pool, I'm missing the mark. (Note: I was trying to think of a way to say I put it all in the bank, and the best I could come up with was "healthy banking strategies." Yep.)

I heard that Halifax is amazing in the Summer but depressing as hell in the winter. Can you confirm this?
Confirmed. Winter is six months long and bullshit. But nobody leaves because summer is like a beautiful awakening from a long roofie nap.

Do you have a good story about losing your virginity?
I have an awful story involving a college dorm room, a bong hit (incidentally, the loss of my bong virginity as well, a moment which has since been renamed The Precursor), and a stranger. Yes, I was in college at the time. And I don't think she knew it was my first time. I carefully hid that information by lying.

Are you now too famous for Picnicface?
Definitely.

Sometimes you write a sketch that involves girls. You can approach this two ways: put on a wig and a dress (like Kids in the Hall) or make the sketch less-funny and get actual girls. Why did you choose the latter? It's not like wigs are expensive.
If this was a live interview, you could write [laughs] before my answer. But would you? Most sketch groups are all dudes and sometimes dude-time gets a little boring. That said, I played a tranny hooker in a sketch once. Wigs everywhere.

My sister is more partial to Kyle. Meh, to each his own.

What are your thoughts on Roman Danylo? (it's no secret that I fucking hate that assclown).
I haven't seen much of his stuff. Comedy Inc. was obviously terrible, but it's hard to know who to blame for that. I think I've seen one too many pictures of him topless for my liking, though.

What was your best/worst Hallowe'en costume?
I was Harry Potter for three consecutive Halloweens once. I think that answers both your questions. Actually last year I built this swarm of bees to wear over my shoulder and went as Macaulay Culkin from My Girl.

Please imagine what the most amazing tattoo would look like:
BJ Novak has a joke about wanting to get a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for cliche. I think that would be pretty great. That or a white picket fence around my bicep.

Which racist stereotype do you think makes the least amount of sense?
Ethiopians are skinny. I went there last year. Those motherfuckers is pluuuump.

Tell us an embarrassing story:
I feel like I've told a few already. I make videos for youtube that a good number of 12-year-olds enjoy. That's pretty embarrassing.

Who's talent or skill do you wish you had?
Bill Murray, Louis CK, Mike Birbiglia -- for various reasons. I wouldn't mind Demetri Martin's ability to craft perfect jokes, either. Oh, also, LeBron James.

What are your favourite television shows right now?
There's this British sitcom called Peep Show that's maybe my favourite comedy of all time. Eastbound and Down is also pretty funny. My guilty pleasure right now is True Blood. It's 90% godawful, but the cliffhangers are crazy good. Plus I'm pulling for the Paquin. It's nice to see her playing something other than jailbait. That's not a Piano reference.

Have you ever been so high you've convinced yourself that you're dying?
No.

What was the last fight you got into?
Grade 3? Dude punched my eye. Same guy who'd pulled my hair out in Grade 2.

Was there anything you were apprehensive about putting in your act or into a Picnicface video?
Only with regard to my parents. They just don't like it when I play rapists or pedophiles in the videos. They thought I was going to be a professor. Some dreams die hard.

Will you marry me? (If the answer is no, I should maybe mention that I own my own waffle maker?)
My roommate has a waffle maker so the deal has yet to be sweetened. In any case, I think I'm saving myself for an American girl so I can green card on out of here.

Your ideal sandwich:
I'm a fucking vegetarian now, so no sandwich will ever satisfy me again. If I ever kick the shit, though, I'm going straight to McDonald's for a McGangBang. (What is it, a double cheeseburger surrounding a McChicken? Amazing.)

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 6: the one where we say goodbye to Babyvoice McGee

Hey turds, guess what day it is today? That's right, It's CANADA DAY! And what better way to celebrate fur trade, white people treating Natives like crap, beer, maple syrup, beavers, and freezing cold Armageddon-like winters like a Canada's Next Top Model re-cap! I know, I really should be nominated for some kind of Canadian Culture Award. Oh, but I don't do it for the awards. Heart of gold, has I. Okay, let's get into it!!


The Mayor: I just yelled at a jar of pickles. I went on a Clark Griswold rant at work. "Hallelujah, holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
Ty: were they kosher pickles? Are you an anti-Semite?
The Mayor: They're Polski Orgorki - the pickles of my people
Ty: Your people are good people. K - models....when you leave the house, you ever think one of the girls top shelved anyone? Like...the girl that left that is.
The Mayor: Oh my god, this just got 10000x more ghetto - a shoot in the CN Tower
Ty: Oh goodness. Cancon
The Mayor: Nikita’s gonna hurl! Barf! Barf! Barf!
Ty: Is Scunty crying? Whaaaaaaaa?
The Mayor: OMG that's Rebecca?!? Wow - she actually looks worse
Ty: She looks a little more than completely different
The Mayor: PS - plastic surgery. Wow, their trip is NYC?? Oh fuck, passports?? That's like the N-word for Maryam; homegirl cringes something serious
Ty: Can't they put her in the trunk like a migrant Mexican worker?
The Mayor: I know! Throw a blonde wig on her and she's waved right through
Ty: Is this a dig at passport Canada? I never realized that Scunty has birth'n hips


The Mayor: I guess Nikita does have some big hips. Wow, this job has turned me into a Gay Man
Ty: “Maybe Obama stayed here?” Yeh...sure...maybe Obama's basketball sneaker collection was housed here
The Mayor: That SO isn't Jay's apartment - you know his home is wall-to-ceiling glitter n' mirrors
Ty: Glitter, mirrors, silver hair dye and anal beads
The Mayor: Ew, does Nikita have a tongue ring?
Ty: I wouldn't doubt it. You know....for the gritty look, not for dirty BJs. As a straight dude, I would hate that...cause as much as it might feel 'different' I would know that the tongue in question was made as such for the insertion of penis only and for sure, there had been more than one trial run
The Mayor: FUCK! Did they just say 'Richie Rich'?!?! FUCK YES!!! HEATHERETTE!!!!!
Ty: Girls changing in cabs....just like the morning after a night with me
The Mayor: Richie Rich is my idol


Ty: I'll tell you something I would do to Meaghan in 2 seconds flat
The Mayor: Ahaha - Meghan jokes - your bread and butter
Ty: Did Linsay have a tat on her ass?


The Mayor: Yes she did. Reserve tats
Ty: Injun tats. I need to go for a bit....Meghan head-bobble joke combined with Meghan in a bikini. Scunty is going to be L-A-T-E…which could stand for Loser About Town Eh? How could anyone not love Meghan?
The Mayor: Meghan is good - she's very enjoyable. What is Maryam doing? Oh, nothing. Dick to the All
Ty: Eating cereal....then barfin it up
The Mayor: SOOOOTAN!!
Ty: SUTAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIS SHIT. Wait....that was a little too gay
The Mayor: Sutan is off the chain. Changing haircolour? Please Sutan, visit me - my hair is diss-gross-ting. "Some people are just born cool...and I'm one of them" – Linsay. Wow, I wish. Some people are born massive dorks...and I'm one of them
Ty: Cause she was born without the 'd' as in the 'd' in 'not an In-d-an. Sutan has admirable scruff. I aspire to that. Can we just forget about Maryam? I feel like I did already
The Mayor: I know - she is such a snorefest. Ambien Express. Nole always mentions products like he's got a knife to his throat


Ty: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mayor: WHAAAAAAAAT is going on there?!?! She looks like a Goth Sandra Bernhart!!!
Ty: Heather's 7 head is TOO MUCH
The Mayor: Linsay looks like the classy Rez mom who reads Cosmo. "Ah lurve me som Mike's Hard Crannbarry Lemminaids!"
Ty: Yeh, she's the one that all the little ones come to for advice on how to use salamander blood for nail polish and pine needles for eye shadow. So Maryam is going home, right?
The Mayor: I dunno - she should go home. She's a tard sandwich
Ty: With a side of Persian ESL
The Mayor: Linsay looks like she's going to our High School Prom. Did you go to prom?
Ty: I did. I hated it. And now I spend all my Spring organizing prom for the school I work at
The Mayor: Ahahaha - that's awesome. Meghan has great style. Love what she's wearing.
Ty: Me too!
The Mayor: What? This job is turning you gay. Wow, that is straight-up cut and paste - that is NOT Photoshop
Ty: Yeh. This is amateur.
The Mayor: Nikita's looks so boring…and yes, dare I say it, Urkel
Ty: she's more Eddie Winslow
The Mayor: Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but her shot is the most believable
Ty: but Linsay still has green skin
The Mayor: Heather's teeth are a little Secret of NIHM
Ty: Yes. They are awful.
The Mayor: Maryam Maryam Maryam...stop talking girl



Ty: WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAT? She doesn't get things
The Mayor: Maryam is killing me. Oh fuck, Jay?!?! How are you getting fleeced by this!?!?
Ty: Shut up J...she sucks
The Mayor: Maryam's shot was just...so....Canada's Wonderland "Make Me a Model" Booth
Ty: Did Jeanie just throw the axe down on Maryam?
The Mayor: Tru Rez Crew! Liiiiinsay
Ty: easy call
The Mayor: Gawd, Nikita loves crying. The bitchiest girls are the weepiest babies. Maryam?!?!?!!? Whoah!
Ty: WWWWWHHHHHAT??? This is dumb. She's dumb. Go make some goat shawarma



The Mayor: I wanna see Nikita freak out, Celia-style. Heather? Scuntalunt?!?!
Ty: I don't like either of these bitches, but still....this sucks. I feel a boycott coming on
The Mayor: Whoah! Heather is gone?! I predicted she'd be in the top 3! Noooooo!
Ty: Me too. Jay didn't even have anything insightful to say
The Mayor: At least now you can stalk her and make her shimmy her bony ass down your runway
Ty: She's no Meghan
The Mayor: Ahaha. Close second though. Beggars can't be choosers
Ty: True
The Mayor: MISS J!!!!!! Hells to the Yes, Ty Ty!!! You know you’re excited! GET PUMPED
Ty: I am excited. Honest. But I also have to pee

RIP Billy Mays

God Fucking Dammit!!! What crawled up Jesus' ass that pissed him off so bad he had to start picking people off one by one?? First Ed McMahon; that's fine, the man was old and probably missed Johnny Carson all sorts of bad, so let the man have fun up in Pepaw Heaven. Next it was Farrah Fawcett, and look - this is gonna sound callous, but it's not meant to be, ok? But the woman had cancer for 3 years and she battled it tooth and nail and finally her body gave the fuck up (that's what happens - cancer wins. Cancer is a turd. It's the douchebag of the illness community). Then MJ, which SUCKS cause we have all busted our shit to Billie Jean or Thriller at least once in our lives. But Billy Mays?!? William Motherfucking Mays?!?! Mister OxyClean?! The non-Crystal Meth man's Sham-Wow Vince?!? I am actually really sad about Billy Mays, because he gave me a constant supply of amazing infomercials (and you KNOW how much I love infomercials). And to all my dick-bag friends who keep texting me and emailing me "You killed Billy Mays"...KNOCK IT OFF!! Billy Mays was a class act and it is too soon for jokes. Too soon.

In honor of Billy Mays, the classiest real-life Al Borland in a denim dress shirt, I present to you my favourite Billy Mays dub:

RIP Michael Jackson

Look, I know that it's gonna be pretty much the status quo today that every blogger, newspaper, LOL Cat, etc will be talking about MJ's death, and - don't get me wrong, I wasn't really a fan - but something seems really sad today. It's not that the King of Pop died yesterday - to me (and most of us) that Michael died right after recording the song from Free Willy. And it's not that we're losing an international star - he was really only big in Japan and Germany, amiright? Hell, we're not even losing a talented musician; we can thank Quincy Jones for Thriller. It's that 3 kids lost their dad yesterday; 3 kids who don't really know their moms. 3 kids who don't really have a support system that is free from fame-whores and money-spongers. Hell, you know you've got it bad when the next best male role model in your life is Jermaine Dupri. And forget about all the child-touching shit - we all know he was pretty inappropriate with those kids - but on the whole he seemed like a decent dad. His kids could go to birthday parties and to the library without having a shitload of papparazzi following them (ahem - Angelina). And when push comes to shove, they will probably be fairly well-adjusted kids. But for now they have to go through the mourning of their dad, their only parent, and that's a fucking tragedy.

RIP MJ - you gave us Beat It, which in turn gave us Weird Al's Eat It, and for that I will always be truly thankful.

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 5: the one where my cable is down and Ty has to describe the episode to me like I'm Ray Charles

The Mayor: I can't find it!! I think my cable is down or something!
Ty: You're not checking out Dan Levy right now?
The Mayor: I can't see it!!
Ty: is your cable really down?
The Mayor: 11, 14, 20, 22 are black
Ty: Is Ted Roger Jr. fuckin your antenna? damn bitch.....that blows
The Mayor: I'm really pissed right now
Ty: you should be - this is somewhat entertaining. Meaghan just admitted to doing coke. and of course, I'm imagining where she would do a line off of...WHOA Rebbbbbeakkkkka admitted she is GAY GAY GAY
The Mayor: What? No way! Lez or bi?
Ty: I think straight up lez
The Mayor: Weird! I totally didn't get gay-vibes from her at all, but I have piss-poor gaydar. I once hit on a guy in assless chaps and a shirt that said "my other shirt is anal sex"
Ty: Heather is getting a little cocky. umm...I suck at this 'recap in chat' shit. Umm...Harry Potter commercial?
The Mayor: what, we're on a commercial?
Ty: your cable situation isn't helping. Oh god....gay Trevor is interviewing them on the red carpet
The Mayor: I love gay Trevor!!! Trevor Boris, right? I want to marry him!!! I'll be his beard
Ty: I saw him once on the TTC...he seemed pissed
The Mayor: he gave you the stink eye? nice
Ty: Linsay seemed quite intelligent...one point for the residential school system


The Mayor: She could be faking it. Like in My Fair Lady
Ty: Trevor liked Meaghan the best...I guess we something in common
you know, other than the liking balls in our face
The Mayor: Meghan is good, I'll give her that, but she talks like a sped. All I hear is "bar bar bar bar I'm Meghan"
Ty: The prize is 4gs at Holt Renfrew and scunty Nikita won.


The Mayor: WHAT?!?!!? I would give what's left of my virginity (spoiler alert: barely anything) for that
Ty: I don't think Holts wants that. I don't think Bargin Harold's wants that. Meaghan just opened up about her injuries and insecurities....I'll let you fill in my comment


The Mayor: “I'll fill her with my insecurity" is what you would say. in this case, insecurity refers to the shame you have over your very small, very inverted penis
Ty: close.....but I was going for “I wish she'd open up about the crazy vag injury I gave her and talk about how insecure she'll be when trying to find another guy like me”
The Mayor: AHAHAHAH you'd injure her with your rampant herpes. "Ow, my itchy vagina! I am very insecure about these weepy sores"
Ty: Meaghan is at the Dentist
The Mayor: time to get out The Big Book of British Smiles
Ty: now they're getting set up to do their photo shoot in pairs. they're trying to sell a phone or some dumb bullshit
The Mayor: what? this is turning into 1 big, lame commercial
Ty: Yeh, it certainly is
The Mayor: who is paired with who?
Ty: Blondies, Marayam and Linsay. how the fuck do you spell that? Miriyam?


The Mayor: Maryam. It should be Miriam...but some parents choose to be assholes
Ty: Mary Am
The Mayor: Trans Am
Ty: Will I Am. So Rebbbbekkkah is paired with scunty, and they hate each other
The Mayor: No doubt. Everybody Hates Scunty
Ty: Oh gawd....they're having a food fight in their loose fitting tops
The Mayor: what?
Ty: I need to go for awhile
The Mayor: you're getting a furious boner right now, I know it. this is what classifies as Canadian Porn - throwing food at each other while wearing shirts that are 2 sizes too big
Ty: there's usually toques involved
The Mayor: And beavers. YOU DECIDE WHICH KIND
Ty: I already have. MAKE IT STOP!
The Mayor: Are they still wrasslin?
Ty: they're getting preened for judging. Rebbbbbbeeehhhakkkka had a minor freak out. Mike looks like he's on Gay Safari
The Mayor: Mike is on the hunt for Ass-Tigers
The Mayor: speaking of ass-tigers, what are you doing for Pride?
Ty: Ummm...I haven't decided yet. I'm suffering from fatigue right now, so I need to see how much I can give.....and by give I mean take. and by take I mean take up the poop shoot
The Mayor: remember - your ass knows no bounds. let your ass be the garbage man and let it take a dozen dirty loads


Ty: Man......Heather has some broke ass teefs


The Mayor: This is some straight-up Nosferatu shit!
Ty: Meaghan stole heather's spotlight. I think Rebbbbbeeeeeekkkkkah is going home
The Mayor: Called it! I knew she was going home from last week. Who is coming in first? I'm gonna guess Meaghan
Ty: I think you're going to win
The Mayor: yeah, it's her time
Ty: Meaghan is #1 in our hearts and in judging and in my dreams. God...Linsay's skin is SOOO green!
The Mayor: Too much weed. Native weed.


Ty: We were right. Rebbbbeehhhaaakkka went home. And scunty was bouncing up and down when it was announced.
The Mayor: Really?? What a bitch!
Ty: Yeh. But that's old news.
The Mayor: Goodbye Rebekkkkkkkah. See you never!

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A REMIX OF THIS!!!

I had a baby!!!

Sort of!!! I should probably change that to I now own a baby. A baby fish, that is. You didn't think I could actually get pregnant with a human baby, did you? My uterus is filled to the brim with STDs and balloons of cocaine and chicken tetrazzini, and there is no way it would accept a selfish baby building a house inside.

Anyways, meet my little bundle of gills:


I know, right? Fucking adorable. Like a kitten stuffed into a panda. After work, a friend and I decided to go get fish. Our boss came in to our office this morning with her 6-month-old human baby and we were snuggling him and cuddling him and encouraging him to sit up and roll over and then our uteruses started burning so hard for a baby friend. So we decided to placate the ticking timebomb in our ladyparts and get some fish. Since we work downtown, the only pet store for miles is in Chinatown (TRYING SO HARD TO NOT MAKE JOKE). We each paid $9 for our children and $4 for a container of freeze-dried worms. These little fuckers love dried worms - it's like their meth. We also went to a kitchen store in Chinatown and bought $2 bowls for our new kids and a few bbq pork stuffed buns for us because it is mentally taxing to become a single mother and I had to reward myself with delicious Chinese buns.

Anyways, I'm at a loss; I don't know what to name it. Also bad news: I don't know if it's a girl or a boy. There isn't a foolproof way to guage if a fish is a girl or a boy, or gay or straight for that matter. For all I know, I could have a young Harvey Milk in my fishbowl. So what I need are some ideas on what to name it. I sort of liked Judge Judy, because if it's a girl, then that's great, but if it's a boy, then I can say that I named him after Judge Reinhold (the best!). I also like Pyjamas and Cinnamon, and I think I could also get behind Terrance. You tell me - what does this fish look like?


I know, right? I want to name it something good, like Zitty or Pooter. So send me your thoughts! Leave all possible names in the comments! Nothing will be turned down - if all you can come up with is Chuck or Nicky, well, I don't care; I need to know what to call him when I leave for the weekend. "Hey Rocky, mamas gonna go to the dunes this weekend. I left some uncooked pasta on the counter and some Skoal in the fridge. I'll be home on Monday. Luuuurve Yoooooooo!"

UPDATE! I have decided on Gil. I was reminded that Gil is the name of Bill Murray's fish in What About Bob? and is the name of my favourite Simpson's character.

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 4: the one where the girls dance like hoochies and Rebekkah has a breakdown

The Mayor: omg - Rebekkah is talking to her dad???? I thought she was talking to her boyfriend!!
Ty: Gross. I'm glad we got to see the girls eating. Do we get to see them ralphing next?
The Mayor: IRINA LAZAREANU!!!!!!! Amazing! My fav! Uh oh - Maryam needs some serious ESL lessons. Rebekkah is fucking annoying.


Ty: I just fell in love with Meghan even more. Cause Rebekkkkahhhh made her want to ralph. that's two ralph references!
The Mayor: Ralphie - you'll shoot your eye out!
Ty: did Mike paint that shirt on?
The Mayor: "Trying to draw charisma out of every girl" - GOOD FUCKING LUCK
Ty: I would do something ridiculous to Meaghan in a burlap sack
The Mayor: "Whaddup?" Oh Nikita. Such class.
Ty: wait....if she's dyslexic, doesn't that mean she can't read at all? or does that make me wicked ignorant?
The Mayor: Linsay reminds me of Nina Presson from The Cardigans. "I'm not as well educated". Girl, it’s a miracle you can speak the Queen's English at all.


Ty: residential school system!
The Mayor: Should I be getting turned on by Mike Ruiz?
Ty: I think he wants you to be
The Mayor: Heather just totally won me over by pronouncing all the designer names right. Channel?? CHANNEL??!?!?
Ty: Channel 12 news?
The Mayor: AHAHAH. Dwar - FUCK! These girls want to be models? They can't even pronounce common designers
Ty: wait....I'm a 20 something male and I know how to pronounce this shit! you know, because I often say....sweetheart, can you take your Dior panties off my head please...or.....I love how that Dolce dress looks on my floor
The Mayor: you wish. it's more like "damn girl, lemme try on those Dior panties!"
Ty: or...., “I can see your pubes through those busted up Old Navy drawers”
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHA
Ty: Meghan needs to stop haunting me
The Mayor: Meghan is great, Heather is great. Rebekkah is annoying. Nikita is a scunt. The rest? SNORE


Ty: Final three.....Meghan, Heather and Nikita? okay....calm down...they're in a Dermo office
The Mayor: I need to pay attention to this, cause my skin is BROKE. YES - look how close they are!?
Ty: are you having a chick boner over this?
The Mayor: yes - I can only imagine what mine would look like
Ty: I kinda want to see mine
The Mayor: I want my skin analyzed. mine would break the machine
Ty: where is this place? can I write that off you think? Olay ad!
The Mayor: I want to take that Olay online quiz - although my Dermo has already told me not to use stuff from the drugstore. Rebekkah is going home
Ty: 'I can feel people watching me' ummm.....yes, they're called your demons
The Mayor: what a loser
Ty: Yeh...she's totes going home. Nikita is heartless
The Mayor: oh man, crying in the utility closet - it's like they've been spying on me!
Ty: ha! Tara’s skin looks worse than ever now that I know to focus on it
The Mayor: Oh my god...did they put the only black girl in black-face? Oooooh...that's racist!


Ty: is there such thing as brown face? Or Asian face?Meghan....I'll give you a reason to cover up your mouth


The Mayor: did Meghan just say her mom would make her practice smiling with her eyes??! Made Up Story Time
Ty: are you getting sick of these Meghan comments?
The Mayor: Rebekkah stayed there? what? ugh, get over it
Ty: did Nikita just pick up her gitch? does that imply that she runs around without it?


The Mayor: Ew - nice massive neck zit, Rebekkah
Ty: maybe it's an anxiety zit. Or an 'I'm a big weirdo' zit. or a 'I'm unique, but only because I hate myself' zit
The Mayor: whatever, I want to see it popped
Ty: of course you would. Pimple popper m.d. Tara is going home. Just sayin. Mostly for racial reasons. To continue the 'brown cut-down'.
The Mayor: I’m gonna say Tara is hitting the pavement tonight
Ty: I already said that! - you must have been getting a wang in the pooper when I mentioned that
The Mayor: I am. Ow! knock it off, Tito!
Ty: Nikita is fuckin good


The Mayor: yea, I'll admit it. Whoah, Tara - way to mess up something so fucking simple. Linsay just 1/2 macked on Jay
Ty: Jay doesn't get down with the wigwam love
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHHAAHA. He'd rather take a teepee to the papoose
The Mayor: omg - Meghan’s little dance - adorable!
Ty: Meaghan......I'll give her experience working with her mouth
(you saw that coming)
(maybe she will too)
(booya)
(!!!)
The Mayor: (I get it!!!) how you did you become the rude one? you're the classy one. you're showing me up
Ty: I am? oh....was that in my contract? maybe you need to amp up your love for Mike
The Mayor: this would be so much easier if Nigel Barker was around. I'd be so much easier if Nigel Barker was around
Ty: fill in the blank: I would like to ____ on Mike's rippled chest and _____ in his Quebecois face
The Mayor: um....shit and fart?
Ty: boooo!
The Mayor: what would you have put!
Ty: 'run my fingers over like a book of Braille' and 'breathe the scent of poutine and liberal politics'
The Mayor: Wow- that's sexual. I know what you're dreaming of tonight
Ty: Linsay, the judges feel that they needed a 2nd last and you lost the coin toss
The Mayor: Linsay, we needed to scare your Indian ass into working harder
Ty: were those the sounds Jay makes when....wait...I AM the dirty one!
The Mayor: you are.