It's that time again! I've written another Mad Men recap of this week's episode "The Flood". You can read it here! Fun fact - my sister told me that the last time I linked to a Villain article, I put the wrong web address in, and it took people to a Toronto restaurant called Thai Princess. Look, maybe it was a careless mistake. But maybe it was completely intentional. Can you blame me? Thai Princess has been serving the greater metropolitan Toronto area for nearly 20 years now with its delightful combination of fresh ingredients and quality service. Thai-it today! You can Thai to resist it, but you won't last long! Thai as you might, you'll never find a finer-tasting Thai! I'm Thai-ing really hard to think of more Thai puns, but it's not happening. And no, I won't resort to Bangkok lady-boy jokes! I'm too classy and demure.
4.18.2013
It's back! Time for me to hustle another Villain Mad Men review! Even if you don't watch Mad Men, you're sure to find it...at least marginally entertaining.
I'm throwing myself back into writing episodic television recaps and instead of beautiful glamorous trash like ANTM or Drag Race or Housewives, I'm doing highbrow television Emmy bait, but in the least highbrow classy way possible. Look, if I can give you any indication of how I'm still the same ol' me you have grown to love, it's that I mention The Hammaconda in the very first sentence. Even if you don't watch AMC's Mad Men, I think you'll still like reading my episode reviews. Read the first one here!
Hey you guys! I know that the last time I was here was in August (can you EVEN believe it?!? Yes, you can, because I am lay-zay) but I'm back, temporarily. I know I let The Skip-Raid slow a bit, but it's only because I got mondo-busy and needed to put something on the back burner to simmer away until all the pieces stick to the bottom and the kitchen smells like burnt rice. And here we are! Regardless, here is some stuff you can get into while I get back into it.
I recently wrote a piece for Villain about the Oscars, or rather what I thought I knew about the Oscars. All-in-all, it's nothing more than a platform for me to express how much I despise Anne Hathaway. You'll enjoy it, I promise.
I've been recording a live show called Pitchcast at Toronto's Comedy Bar. If you can't make it to Toronto (which, really, why would you?) you can download it in the iTunes store. It's called Pitchcast with Paul Beer and Richard Sibblies. It's a lot of fun and you might learn a thing or two about film! Just kidding, it's rude and there's lots of yelling and we all get very competitive. But it's fun! Guh'ead, download till your little heart's content.
And, when in doubt, if you need Tumblr gifs in your life, make your way over to my Tumblr which is updated a lot and usually has pretty funny things.
Hey guys.
I kind of dropped off for a while. It was only this morning when I
realized that I hadn't written anything since July 12.
That's more than a month. I don't know if we can call that laziness or busy-ness (I almost typed it as business. DERP) but I will say this; it's time to write more.
Here is what's been going on in my life:
1. I finished an 8-page comic book. It's all short comics and dumb jokes and stuff, but it's pretty cute. If you'd like one, email skipraid@gmail.com and I'll send you one, for free!
1a. I've been trying to draw more. Not really for anything, just for my own good. Here is my personal tumblr with all my drawings. http://allisondavey.tumblr.com/
1b. Now you know my real name. As my sister said "Who the fuck cares? You think Sarah Silverman had a stage name with her jokes?" No, but isn't it fun to imagine what her stage name would have been?!
2. One of the reasons I've been so busy (business) has been because I work part-time at a nail art shop. It's called Pinky's, and if you're ever in Toronto, you need to come by. We do really awesome nail art; none of that crappy paint-flick nail art from $10 manicure places.
3. I'm growing Monarch Butterflies again this year. So far I have two caterpillars that hatched on August 17th in the evening and they're super tiny and super cute. This is one of the two (I don't have a picture of its twin, because they were hiding):
So this guy will grow up to be a butterfly that will fly down to Mexico for SPRING BREAK!!! WOO! BEADS!!! SHOTS!!!
Not much else is new. When I can think of something, I'll write it. Peace.
I will start off by saying that Sunday night is a big deal for TV nerds. If you didn't know this already, then maybe I should direct you to another website, because this post is going to bore you to tears. With that being said, if you do care but aren't terribly informed, then stop reading this, go download Seasons 1-4 of AMC's Breaking Bad, and then come back and read the rest of this post. Believe me; it won't be a waste of time. Alright, moving on.
I should mention that this post might contain super-spoilery material and should not be read by anyone who still has yet to finish the 4th season of Breaking Bad (aka My Boyfriend, who needs to get through 9 episodes before Sunday night aka GET ON THAT SHIT, WILL YA??)
So, spoilers below...
Alright, now that that's out of the way. If you're still reading this, then you're probably a Breaking Bad fan. Obviously. It's the best show on television. But just for a second can we talk about how AMC jerks around its shows like the asshole jock boyfriend in a teenage rom-com? Can we stop it with the 1-year hiatus in between seasons?? I shouldn't have to wait a full calendar year to sit and think about what happened to Gus (I SAID SPOILERS!!! It's only gonna get more spoilery from here on out, so stop reading if you haven't seen ep4:13 yet!). And yes, I understand that AMC owes its soul to Jon Hamm (we all do, AMIRITE) but seriously, give us some decent television planning. And DO NOT get me started on this bullshit that Season 5, Part 1 will air 8 episodes this year and Season 5, Part 2 will air the final 8 episodes in like, 2015 or some bullshit like that. Fuck, I'm getting too agitated. MOVING ON.
A friend of mine is a massive BB fan, such as myself, so I asked him to give me his predictions for Season 5. I guess you could say Tom went to The Mayor with his predictions. Right? Right? Whatever, 4 or 5 people will get that joke. And with that shitty joke that went over like a lead balloon, here are our predictions for the characters in the 5th Season of Breaking Bad.
SKYLER WHITE
Tom: She started to redeem herself with her savvy sense of criminal accounting and helping Walt...who am I kidding? If she comes back with bigger tits (AGAIN) I'll be able to just tune her out. Hopefully she comes up with a better scheme than laundering money through the car wash, because that's uber lame.
The Mayor: I couldn't agree less. Season 4 gave us the most obnoxious Skyler White ever. I hated how she railroaded the carwash owner into selling and then acted like she's Johnny Bigtime Wallstreet. Also she's a shit mom, so we'll probably see more of that later. She's either going to have more plastic surgery this season or have gained more weight. One thing is for sure: she'll spend Season 5 getting on my last fucking nerve.
MARIE SCHRADER
Tom: She will be neglegted entirely by Hank, and will again resume shoplifting and possibly get addicted to anti depressants.
The Mayor: Marie will finally confront Hank about being a dick by cheating on him in secret and being super passive-aggressive about it. If she picks up shoplifting one more time, then we can come to the conclusion that Vince Gilligan is just fucking with us.
DET. HANK SCHRADER
Tom: I assume Hank will team back up with Gomez, and will end the season with the entire Albuquerque DEA squad chasing Walt across the open desert in his awesome shitty brown Aztec (ala Thelma and Louise).
The Mayor: Hank is going to get a sick Rascal that allows him to zip around the DEAs office like a maniac (at least I hope). Oh, and more minerals. ALL THE MINERALS.
FLYNN/WALT JR
Tom: Through unrelated circumstances, Brandon Mayhew (Badger) will return (because he's awesome) and befriend Flynn. Despite the huge age gap, Badger will think Flynn's Chrysler PT Cruiser is the 'coolest' and bum rides throughout the season. Eventually hooking back up with Skinny Pete, the obvious will happen and they'll introduce Flynn to blue crystal meth...and maybe that scabby hooker from the first season?! Flynn will overdose and die on his dad's drug and send a huge moral message to the audience: "Don't mix chilli powder with meth kids!"
The Mayor: Flynn will spend all 16 episodes of Season 5 asking "What's for breakfast?" and struggling to get the word "Dad" out in less than 9 syllables. The end.
STEVE GOMEZ "GOMIE"
Tom: It'll be like the good 'ol days. He'll team up with Hank again, they'll fight the baddies, they'll eat lots of Los Pollos Hermanos (even though we're not sure who the new CEO is now).
The Mayor: Season 4 gave us a new Gomie, a DERP-ier Gomie, if you will. I'm looking forward to Gomez coming back as a decent cop who wants to solve this shit, instead of the guy walking through the laundromat like "durrrr, me no see anything, must be no drugs here!"
RANDOM MEXICAN COUSINS
Tom: Aren't they dead? Or are there more? I suspect fragments of Gus's cartel will be hugely pissed off about his passing and will be a constant dangerous threat to Walt's new empire as he tries to rebuild (possibly led by Mike after he recovers in Mexico. See: Mike)
The Mayor: In this world, there are two things we can be certain of: Taxes and Random Mexican Cousins Hell Bent on Revenge. There will always be new cousins (or maybe sons?? Did Tuco sire any sons?)
MIKE THE CLEANER
Tom: Mike will have recovered in Mexico and learned of Walt's hit on Gus using Tio (LOL) and rally the remaining scattered portions of the cartel. I believe he will be Walt's next biggest conflict.
The Mayor: Mike is easily one of my favourite characters on this show (second only to Saul). I have a feeling that Mike, knowing it's either him or Walt, will start working for Walt. Although...given the past atmosphere, I feel like Mike's alliance is with Jesse.
SAUL GOODMAN
Tom: Oh fuck! No question...he will have less hair and be more awesome. Maybe he'll take over Ted Benneke's business now that he's dead. I doubt we will return to the lazer tag thing (even though that's more his style) I just hope we see more of him than season 4 :(
The Mayor: His rug will be so amazing, I just know it. His suits will be more colourful and flashy. I hope he gives Skyler the finger. By the end of the Series, he will 100% be dead (shot or murdered). I don't see things ending well for Saul Goodman.
SAUL'S PISSY RECEPTIONIST
Tom: She'll hook up with the group leader from the drug rehab meetings (the blonde annoying dude with glasses), it'll be so nasty we won't want to think about it.
The Mayor: She's going to fuck Saul. The end.
BADGER AND SKINNY PETE
Tom: They'll try to repair their friendship with Jesse, but he's too involved now and won't have time for them. Angry with the rejection, they come up with an elaborate plan to get Walt's son addicted to Meth in the hopes that he'll OD.
The Mayor: Holy shit, are you kidding me?? I don't think they're that evil. They'll probably just plan an out-of-control party that attracts tons of skids who leave pizza all over the floor.
BROCK AND BROCK'S HO OF A MOM
Tom: Haha, 'Andrea'...she might be back, hopefully she'll have taken that money Jesse left her with and she'll have sexed herself up a bit more and done something about her rats nest hair. 2/10 - would not bang. Brock will be in college by now; it won't make sense because the time lapse between Season 4 to Season 5 will only have been a few weeks but due to AMC's budget cuts they won't have the funds to write Brock back into the story.
The Mayor: Brock will be a wise-cracking 10-year-old. Or a gun-toting 10-year-old. Or working at Los Pollos as a fry cook. Or getting high off Lily of the Valley. Andrea will still be badgering Jesse into fatherhood, even though Brock isn't his son, and will flip-flop between smoking meth and getting all up in our faces about how she's such a good mother and not a neglectful drug-addict.
WALTER WHITE aka HEISENBERG aka HBIC
Tom: Bad ass mother fucker! AMC is hinting with promotional material that he now will just be walking into Gus's old shoes and business and even bigger things ("The King"). But I think this entire season is going to be another struggle for Walt. Nothing will come easily, dealers won't accept him as a new boss, etc. He will repair his partnership with Jesse but it will be fragile at best. OBVIOUSLY the cancer will return. Amirite?
The Mayor: This ain't yo mama's Walter White. This is a new Walter White! A hateful, spiteful, asshole of a man who is willing to kill children in order to become a small-town drug czar. Because, let's for a second remember that it's not like he's a Colombian cocaine drug kingpin. He's the most successful methamphetamine dealer in New Mexico. That's right! Not California. Not Texas. Not New York. New Mexico (Population: 2 Million. Which is less than the population of Toronto, Canada. Think about that for a second). I believe that Walter White will die at the end of the series at the hands of Hank. I have always believed this. Hank will think he's got Heisenberg, he realizes it's Walt, is so embarrassed that he had him under his nose the whole time, realizes he's evil, and shoots him. Or Jesse might kill him too. Either way, Walt better not buy any green bananas.
JESSE PINKMAN
Tom: Jesse will be the one really running the show. He will slowly undergo an entire makeover be all about the money. WE probably won't see him in the lab anymore. I imagine him not keeping a low enough profile, but splashing out cash on fancy suites instead.
The Mayor: Jesse will look up to Mike as a father figure, since his old father figure (Walt) is a major dead-beat. Mike will encourage him to leave. He will get him the cash he needs to start a new life away from New Mexico. He'll pursue writing or comic books or something. I don't want to know what he does with Jane's picture of Apology Girl at night (ew).
Like Larry Burns, it appears I've put a GONE DRINKIN sign on my chair (my chair being The Skip-Raid) because I haven't written anything for you in nearly 2 months. I get it! I'm lazy. That's not actually true; it's just that I have a few other stupid projects in the works and I've been dedicating time to them. Remember: stupid babies need the most love.
Regardless, I'll be back soon. I just need to think of something funny to actually write.
When talking about the MTV made for TV fake boy band 2Ge+her (pronounced Together) I feel like there are two types of people:
A) those who have never heard of 2Ge+her, and even after a rigorous Googling, still don't recognize any of it, and B) those who FUCKING OBSESSED WITH 2GE+HER.
I was obviously in the latter category. When MTV (in Canada, MuchMusic) first aired the made for TV movie (which was a thinly veiled copy of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys) I knew I was going to love it. First off, it was a satire; it lampooned everything that made boy bands great and/or stupid. It was incredibly tongue-in-cheek. It was self-referential and completely under-rated. The acting was wooden (on purpose), the story was ridiculous. But if you've never seen 2ge+her, the movie or the TV show (thank GOD they made an episodic TV show) you need to understand that they also recorded incredibly spot-on boy band songs. They were like the Weird Al of 1999 shitty boy band pop. I actually downloaded every song released and listened to them without embarrassment (and I fucking hated NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, O-Town, 98 Degrees, et al).
Sadly, most people didn't get the joke and it was canceled after two seasons. Oh, also because one of the main characters died in real life and it was difficult to replace him. But more on that later! Before you read any further, you should familiarize yourself with 2ge+her's biggest hit, U + Me = Us (Calculus). I played this song till the wheels fell off, let me tell you.
When you get a chance, go to YouTube and listen to the following:
- Say It (Don't Spray It)
- The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)
The thing I really wish the most is that MTV would release the movie and both seasons on DVD, but I doubt that will happen; the fan base might be a bit too small. Besides, we're still waiting for Breaker High on DVD, am I right?? UPDATE:Apparently the remaining four got the green-light from MTV to film a Where Are They Now/Behind the Music mockumentary. I CANNOT WAIT.
Alright, let's see what the boys of 2ge+her are up to now!
Jason "Q.T." McKnight - The Cute One
(Played by Michael Cuccione)
Q.T. was the baby of the group, a joke that was exaggerated so much, you were almost sure he was about 13-years-old. Just for fun, Google Jason "Q. T." McKnight and tell me that's not just an Italian-looking Justin Bieber. Q. T. was the Nick Carter, minus the meth addiction and subsequent meth-face. What are they doing now?
I cannot make jokes, because this is super sad. MTV was on the fence about a third season, but Michael Cuccione died before a decision could be reached. Everyone decided 2ge+her couldn't continue without him (because really - how do you work around Q. T. dying? THAT'S TOO DEEP). Michael Cuccione died from Hodgkin's lymphoma and he was only 16, so he's up in Heaven now, macking on all the sexy lady angels. WHAT? Exactly. Fun Fact: David Hasselhoff flew to British Columbia to attend his funeral. Awww.
Jerry O'Keefe - The Heartthrob
(Played by Evan Farmer)
I suppose that if 2ge+her had a straight man, it was Jerry. Jerry got some good lines in, but for the most part, the writers just let him react to people. Jerry was the Brian Littrell, the Justin Timberlake, and to a lesser extent, the Nick Lachey. What are they doing now?
I feel like Evan Farmer should have a much better career, but you take what you can get, you know? You probably recognized him in Austin Powers in Goldmember as a young Number Two. Right? He was decent!
Better than the guy who played young Dr. Evil. His face looked like a weird penis. Anyways, after his acting career didn't explode like it should have, he focused on being a TV host (or "presenter" as British people say). Did you ever watch While You Were Out? I did. He hosted it for four years. After that, he moved on to CMT to host the CMT Top 20 Countdown. Not too shabby.
He still looks good! Not bad for someone who's turning 40 this year. Fun Fact: he's a licensed pilot and in 2008 he built his own single-engine plane and flew it cross-country. Excuse me???
Chad Linus - The Shy One
(Played by Noah Bastian)
Chad What are they doing now?
Noah Bastian's IMDB isn't exactly bursting at the seams with work. His last job was in 2008 on a movie called - wait for it - The Adventures of Food Boy. It stars some nobody kid from High School Musical who isn't Zach Efron. If you want to watch the shittiest trailer I've seen in a long time, click here, but be warned - it is just awful. But this isn't about The Adventures of Food Boy (his superpower, by the by, is to make food appear in his hand. That's all. Good luck stopping a nuclear weapons expert with toast). Moving on. This is what 32-year-old Chad Linus looks like now:
Not...so good. Ugh, I feel like an asshole critiquing a total stranger, but...this is the internet, you must be new here. I think I liked him better with the Sun-In. I did some digging and found a Twitter account that hasn't been updated nearly as much as it should be (come on buddy, you're unemployed. You should be working Twitter like the rent it due tomorrow). I also found a personal webpage that looks like some Geocities bullshit from 2001. Upgrade Noah - get a Wordpress account!
Mickey Parke - The Bad Boy
(Played by Alex Solowitz)
I honestly cannot name any 'bad boys' in boy bands. They all seem really harmless. Maybe, I don't know, A.J. from the Backstreet Boys? Was he bad? He was an alcoholic, right? Ugh, I cannot even be bothered to look that up. Regardless, Mickey was my favourite character. I cannot recall, but I think there was a storyline where he shot someone? That can't be right. One of my favourite quotes:
"Mickey Parke has one ho and one ho only, and that's Mickey Parke."
What are they doing now?
Raise your hand if you thought Alex Solowitz was going to be as
successful as he is? Go look at his IMBD; the guy is working steady. I
mean, he's not in any Emmy-winning shit, but that's not the point. A
dollar is a dollar. And yes, I just followed him on Twitter.
I love that this is his picture on Wikipedia. It looks like 80% of the pictures you see on PlentyOfFish.com - "Pay no attention to the lady beside me. She's not my ex-girlfriend or anything!" Fun Fact: he did voice work in the amazing video game L.A. Noire.
And I could NEVER make fun of him as much as I ragged on Noah Bastian, because he gave me one of my favourite scenes from Ghost World. "Do you serve any beer or alcohol?"
Doug Linus - The Older Brother
(Played by Kevin Farley)
Without question, Doug Linus was a parody of NSYNC's Joey Fatone. He was fat, losing his hair, "The Funny One", and way too old to be crushed on by 15-year-old girls. I loved his character. He was so out of shape that when there was a dance number, I would be drawn to watching him in the background. Every move was so half-assed, it was incredibly funny. I think that Doug was my favourite character (second only, if ever, to Mickey). Fun Fact: It's Chris Farley's younger brother! What are they doing now?
Kevin Farley is one of those guys who will always get work, so regardless of whether or not 2ge+her was canceled, he had nothing to worry about. Obviously he'll never eclipse his brother, but he's doing a good job of making his own career and not just sponging off his last name (yes, I'm speaking about you, Jim Belushi).
My only wish is that he'd stop accepting everything his agent gives him. I mean, come on Kevin - you were able to get roles on Curb Your Enthusiasm and The United States of Tara. You don't need to take every Seltzer/Friedberg parody movie that comes out. Update: Never mind, I spoke too soon. Looks like he's shooting a mini-series with Rob Lowe and Bill Paxton about the Civil War in 2013. Okay buddy, looks like you took my advice. Send me a muffin basket.
After doing these "What Ever Happened To..." posts, I've added a new part at the end. It's not bad enough that I've publicly shamed those who's success has never been matched, but now I'm going to rate their failure. I'm calling it:
HIGH SCHOOL REUNION TROPHY TIME
The award for most successful goes to... this one's obvious - Kevin Farley. While he may not have A-list name recognition, you know who he is the second you see him cameo in something. Plus, he's filling the funny fat old guy acting ditch in Hollywood. Like I mentioned before, if Kevin Farley moved away from the type of easy roles he gets (aka anything on the Disney channel, Air Bud films) and took really good HBO comedies, I could see him being nominated for an Emmy. No really, I'm not being sarcastic! He'd be really good on Breaking Bad or something.
The award for 'best hustle' goes to... Alex Solowitz. I mean, the guy isn't broke, but he hasn't exactly been on the cover of Us Weekly either. I feel like he's due for a break. Get him on a CSI or an NCIS as a recurring character and I think he'd work his ass off. You can tell the guy is trying; I doubt he's sitting on all that juicy 2ge+her money in his Santa Monica beach house. He's got the opposite problem of Kevin Farley; Alex Solowitz needs to take any and all auditions/roles he's given. Get your face back out there buddy! Surely someone needs to cast the part of "Dickhead Jock #2".
The "Best Career Advice" award goes to... definitely Evan Farmer. I don't know who's Jedi he was a Padewan to, but he needs to send them a nice bottle of wine every Christmas. It's like Evan Farmer knew that handsome dark-haireds are a dime a dozen in Hollywood, so he picked up his family and moved to Nashville. Big Fish! Small Pond! Good Move!
The award for most likely to use the pick-up line "Yes, I was on that MTV show from more than a decade ago" at a bar goes to... Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Noaaaaaaahhhhh Bastiaaaaan!!! Oh, I'm sorry...you think I'm being unfair? Let's just let this picture do the talking for me:
Seriously. This would be like if you were in your High School's production of The Pirates of Penzance and your Twitter was like "im steve h aka major-general stanley, boii". Yeah, exactly. It would be FUCKING LAME. Noah, it's time for you to realize that your face is fucking weird, you can't really act, and you need to go back to college or something and become an accountant. You can't keep telling rich girls in the bar that you were Chad Linus in order to mooch drinks. Unless that's working for you, in which case, Mazel Tov, you gold-digging man-whore!
After reading what felt like a million posts on xojane about juice cleanses, my friend Lj and I decided to go on a 3-day juice cleanse. Aw, fuck it, let's be honest - it's a juice fast. The only food you eat are your fingernails after you've nervously chewed them all off from starvation anxiety. So people can call it a detox or a cleanse or a refresh, but it's essentially liquid starvation. Here's how it works:
- For 3 days, all you eat and drink is juice. No food. Just juice.
- You get to drink 6 water-bottle sized juices per day.
- Everything you eat needs to fit in the juicer (except for things like bananas that go in the blender)
- You drink 5 types of juice: Green (kale, spinach, apples, kiwi, banana), pineapple-apple-mint, beet-carrot-apple, lemonade (lemons, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, water. This sounds familiar to you? That's because it's the stupid liquid diet Beyonce went on to lose weight for Dreamgirls. I know, I'm rolling my eyes too, don't worry) and cashew milk.
- Let me explain cashew milk to you for a second. First, you need to soak raw cashews in water for 2 hours till they're flaccid. Then you put them in a blender with water and grind them up till it looks like dog food. Then you blend in a banana. When you're done, it should look like fake vomit from You Can't Do That On Television.
- If you want to cheat, you can eat a fruit. One fruit. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.
So my friend and I bought tons of produce and fruits and juiced for like 3 hours. We bottled everything in the same-size water bottle and got really excited for the prospect of looking like 90-lb models. I was very excited. Juicing is fun! My skin will be so radiant!! I will have energy to burn!
The Night Before
I went home and put all my juice into the fridge and watched it for about 3 minutes. I just sat there, crouched down, looking at it. I wasn't sure what I was expecting; I know that it wasn't going to start talking to me. But I suppose I just wanted to make sure I was serious about it. It finally dawned on me that I wasn't going to chew anything for the next 3 days, and that all the food in my fridge was going to spoil, so I ate all the cheese in my fridge. I sat on my couch eating slice after slice of havarti while watching Metropia.
Day 1, Morning
I had a dental appointment at 8am, so I had to wait forever for my first juice. By the time I cracked my first juice, the taste of orange fluoride on my teeth was so vile that a water bottle of gasoline would have tasted delicious. I drank the green juice really quickly (because it was delicious) and I felt pretty full. It wasn't the worst. I followed it up with a bottle of water, then peed twice.
Day 1, Lunchtime
I thought this would be difficult, since I work in an office and everyone makes their lunch right near my desk, but it was fine. I think I was satiated by my smug sense of health. "Oh, just so you know, I'm only drinking fruits and vegetables, so have fun on your white-bread-and-pasta death bed." Trust me, this lasts all of 3 hours. I think this might just be a symptom of exhaustion, because I was FUCKING TIRED. I was so sleepy, that I had to be careful of blinking, so as to not keep my eyes closed for too long.
Day 1, Afternoon
Around 3:00pm I start to get a crazy headache. Like, migraine crazy. All I wanted to do was take a nap on someone's couch or under my desk or on the toilet. It was NUTS. It didn't help that I was super exhausted and barely able to focus. I felt like I wanted to fight someone.
Day 1, Evening
After work I walked home while drinking the cashew milk. It was so unbelievable. I cannot describe to you how gross it was. It was like drinking almond butter. A cup and a half of almond butter. It was so thick, it felt like I was swallowing vomit. It tasted sort of like vomit, so this wasn't helpful at all. The whole time I was walking home I was freezing. The minute I got home, I crawled into bed and watched Little House on the Prairie. I went to sleep at 10:30pm.
Day 1 Verdict: I feel like I have a really bad cold and my body is shutting down. My skin looks terrible and my head is killing me.
Day 2, Morning
I woke up at 8am, unbelievably tired. There is no reason why I should have been so sleepy; I slept like a baby. Oh, maybe because my body is starving itself? YES.
I got to work and treated myself to a green juice that looked like sludge and tasted like kiwi skin (which...major truth...wasn't the worst).
Day 2, Lunchtime
Oh boy, what I wouldn't do for lasagna. My desire for lasagna is second only for my desire for a nap. I'm super tired. Oh, and the juices are already boring me. I eat an apple and give people an indignant SO WHAT face.
Day 2, Afternoon
I've cheated again, this time with a whole wheat cracker. DEAL WITH IT. It tasted so good. It instantly made me feel calm (I think I have food issues). Regardless, my legs didn't feel like feathers anymore.
UPDATE: I had another. It was delicious.
Day 2 Verdict: I don't feel as much like shit as I did yesterday, but I do have a headache that wont go away. My skin still looks weird, but my stomach isn't as bloated as it usually is, so...that's good? Also someone told me my face looks thinner. THINNNNERRR!!!!
Day 3, Morning
Last night I juiced the rest of my fruits and veggies, but mixed up the order and recipes. Gone was the cashew slop. Goodbye too-sweet beet juice. Hello apple juice and pineapple juice and one I like to call "Mixed Bag". I drank a bunch of apple juices in the morning and it made me feel great!
Day 3, Lunchtime
Guess who's unable to focus on their computer monitor? Oh, I dunno, maybe Ray Charles over here. I had two crackers to get me through a pressing set of emails, then washed them down with a pineapple juice. My vision was restored! Hurray! My blood sugar, on the other hand....
Day 3, Afternoon
You know when you're able to smell your own breath? Like you get secret whiffs of it here and there and you're like "whoah, that's definitely from me"? I did that today twice but couldn't put my finger on what my breath smelled like. Then it hit me: OLD PEOPLE BREATH.
Day 3 Verdict: This day was alright since I threw caution to the wind and made my own schedule, which was: Drink a juice when you're thirsty, pray for the sweet hand of death when you're done. My hands were really clammy today and a friend told me they felt like what he'd imagine Stephen Hawking's hands felt like. So you're saying I feel like a genius, eh?
OVERALL VERDICT
This juice cleanse was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Whenever people say that juicing gives them energy or their skin is luminous like the moon and stars or that juicing makes them feel spiritual and one with god or allah or Hanukkah Harry or whatever is a total bullshit liar. They were probably healthy to begin with. But for someone like me (who, no less than 10 minutes ago Tweeted Taco Bell Canada to ask when we're getting Dorito-shell tacos) juicing is a pain in the ass and a total shock to the system. What, if anything, did I learn from this? Well, two things:
1. I need more vegetables in my diet, if for nothing more than interesting-coloured poo.
2. I love shitty food. DEAL WITH IT.
Look, we're all going to die. I know, your precious little heart can barely take it. But you need to realize that you will die. And soon. And it's not going to be pretty. Whether you treated your body like a temple or gang-banged McDonalds every day, you're going to end up the same. Dead. Oh sure, McDonalds might put you in the grave a little earlier; then again, you might be a vegan who didn't install your carbon monoxide detector properly and die at 46. The point is, you don't know how long you're going to live. There's no sense in worrying if your ass is getting fatter or your hair is thinning. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very cold Diet Coke waiting for me in the fridge that I must drink.
*This post is dedicated to my best friend Lj who continues to defend and love Katy Perry, despite tons of evidence that Katy Perry is completely retarded.
Recently I dedicated 3 minutes to my life watching Katy Perry murder Jay-Z and Kanye's N****s in Paris. Scratch that. I watched her kidnap, chloroform, torture, assault, murder, and dump the body of N****s in Paris in an isolated creek.Every second was just a total nightmare; I don't think anyone anywhere was sitting around lamenting the fact that they hadn't heard N****s in Paris sung-rapped by a privileged Christian white girl. "Why God WHY hasn't Katy Perry fumbled her way through one of 2011's best raps! Why?! Why hasn't she replaced every N-word with Ninjas and S-word with Ish? MY LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE!!" - said no one. Regardless, I watched that train wreck twice and hated myself for every minute of it. Katy Perry covering Jay-Z and Kanye is the KFC Famous Bowl of music.
I can't say I'm totally biased; I love Katy Perry for what she's done in the world of nail art. Ask any one who's really into nails and they'll tell you she was one of the originals at the helm of the recent nail art revolution. I know, it's sad that we live in a world where that's a thing. Our Grandparents fought Nazis on the shores of France so we could have nails with $50 plastic gemstones on them. Then again, we also live in a world where I still wildly speculate that Beyonce wasn't ever really pregnant and the whole thing was a show, so really - let's all weep together. What's I'm trying to get at is, I don't think that Katy Perry is a total piece of garbage. I mean, she's not a bag of snakes. She's barely in the same cesspool as a Real Housewife. So my bff messages me going "OMG Katy Perry's new video - SO STUPID" and I was like, obviously I need to watch this. And I did. And it's SO DUMB, people. So I broke it down shot by shot. I figured that posting screen-grabs was better than actually listening to the song because, as we all know, the only people who can truly appreciate Katy Perry's music are the Deaf (and maybe people who have recently suffered severe brain injuries).
Katy Perry's Part of Me (aka my agent thought now would be a great time for me to release a shitty song about revenge and 'girl power' and being stronger and shit because I totally just got divorced and FUCK YOU, RUSSEL BRAND, I'm totally over you and not bitter about our sham marriage falling apart).
We open with Katy Perry playing TOTALLY NOT KATY PERRY because, for real you guys, she's dressed like some mid-western small town-hick, which means she's JUST LIKE YOU!! She's sitting in her 'shitty' car looking at something in the way a monkey looks at a tick.
And in this case, the tick is a locket. Talk about 'Every kiss begins with WTF?' Does any one in the history of ever wear lockets like this anymore? I feel like the only reason they're even made is for exposition purposes in crappy music videos. "I'm forlornly looking at a locket, which means someone is either cheating or dead".
Uh oh! Not dead! The shithead in the locket is RIGHT INSIDE THAT OFFICE!! Ooh, look at Pissed Katy Perry charge in there. That cropped jean jacket means business.
Well if it isn't Millimeter Peter. HA HA HA HA KATY PERRY YOU ARE SO CLEVER!!! Forget the fact that no one EVER would have a sign up in their office like that. Millimeter Peter isn't a nickname, despite how many throws through Microsoft Word Art. Katy Perry - so good at dick jokes now. OMG YOU ARE SO EDGY!!!
Holy shit, I hope that wig is insured because Katy Perry is acting it off the rails! Do we give out Oscars for music video acting? Because Katy Perry should get ALL OF THEM, EVER. She is a serious actress, you guys. Look at that point. And those eyes! Eyes that scream "REMEMBER HOW I WAS IN THE SMURFS?!?"
Today's performance of Millimeter Peter will be played by...FourFour.com's Rich Juzwiak?
Holy shit, Katy Perry SLAMS the locket down on his desk in a defiant move that says "you are SO out of my life!" The only thing left for me to do is pretend to rage drive!"
"OH YEAH, RAGE DRIVING!!!" Also, I don't advocate actually watching this piece of shit video because, doye, it will leave you with barely two brain cells left to rub together, but you NEED to watch it for the part where Katy Perry rage drives. The car is CLEARLY on a trailer being driven down a street, but her hands are jerking the steering wheel back and forth, like how little kids do on those toy steering wheels. The only thing missing is Katy Perry making vroom vroom noises and begging for a ziploc of Goldfish crackers.
Katy ends up at - god knows where - I don't give a shit. A convenience store I suppose. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing in this steaming pile of cat turds matters. But she sees a bulletin board with a bumper sticker (a bumper sticker???) for the Marines. The best are all the fake ads around it. My personal favourite is in the bottom left, the green crumpled piece of paper that say HANDYMEN. Or Indymen? Or Andymeu? and then 7 numbers. "Hey, are you looking for a Handyman on a cork board at the Circle K? Call me! I'm HANDYMEN! 1-310-821! I can fix anything!"
With acting skills like these, I think we've found the perfect Emmy for a 2012 Mannequinreboot.
In one of the video's most confusing scenes, Katy Perry knowingly looks at a Marines bumper sticker (that has like, no information on it), runs to her car, hauls out a duffel bag from her trunk (like, really hauls out. She looked like a fucking garbage man) and sets up in the gas station bathroom. I'll let that sink in for a second. Someone who looks like that is living out of her car (???) and thinks nothing of hanging out in a gas station. Look, it's already been established this is during the day, during a work week, and Katy Perry is just chilling like a villain at the 7-11. Katy Perry is either a murderous criminal drifter, or just a lazy, jobless sack of shit.
Easily the best scene is when Katy Perry cuts off her wig. It's so melodramatic and terrible, I watched it twice (I missed a lot of stuff the first time because I was laughing too hard). This scene was some Extreme Makeover: Talentless MoronEdition fuckery.
After she cuts off her hair (WHY) she wraps down her chichis with some old mummy costume from Halloween. There is literally no reason why she would need to bind her boobs. This isn't 1968; you don't need to Victor/Victoria your ass to get into the service. Also, where did she get all these supplies from?? Katy Perry's carrying around some broke-ass poor-man's Mary poppins carpet bag that contains scissors and bandages and...
Eminem's hoodie from 8 Mile. It's so weird, because the whole time I'm like "you can cut your hair and tape down your boobs all you want, Katy Perry, but I still don't think you're taking this decision to join the Marines seriously" and then she throws up that hood and I'm like "OMG I WAS SO WRONG"
It's a good thing you cut off all your hair, because it's not like you couldn't have just pulled it back like EVERYONE ELSE. Doesn't she look like 'Riding the Bus with My Sister'? Her face in this shot is priceless; she's so DURRRRRRR. Katy, learn from Simple Jack - everyone know you don't go full retard.
There's an extensive montage of Katy Perry going all GI Jane on us. This is seriously the face of a person who has never held a gun in their life. She makes the least convincing marine. Who the hell was the on-set weapons trainer for this shoot? The guy who trained Jessica Simpson in Major Movie Star?
My nightmares now have a new gif, and that is Katy Perry climbing down a ladder like a spider monkey.
My question is this: did they pad her midsection in this video, because she looks like she's wearing one of Beyonce's spare fat suits. When did Katy Perry have that much gut? That's a husky woman. Oh shit, I think I got it! They superimposed her face over an actual Marine, since we all know Katy Perry is too dumb to handle the rope wall herself. Look at that face! If that isn't the definition of DURR, then I don't know what is.
And the award for the most pathetic, clumsy way to hold a weapon in a shot goes to...Katy Perry stabbing at a dummy with a bayonet. I mean, obviously this isn't Full Metal Jacket or anything, but it felt like a kindergarten play about 'Nam.
To remind us why Katy Perry is ACTING FOR HER LIFE! we get an over-the-shoulder shot of a letter that basically says "bla bla bla letter from back home stating obvious that someone misses you". In case you think it's from her boyfriend, I'll remind you that the only people who write letters in pencil on lined paper are elementary school children. Ergo, we have evidence that Katy Perry is maintaining correspondence with an 8-year-old boy, ipso facto, Katy Perry is Pedobear.
Then she's all "Hey, remember when I was wearing that shitty wig? Me too LOL"
In case you've been wondering What the Hell Happened to Lori Petty? Just kidding. Although I wouldn't put it past Katy Perry and her dumbass bff Rihanna to put what's left of their coagulated brains together and think up a terrible Tank Girl-themed video. In case you're wondering, both of these skeezers should be playing kangaroo people.
Oh boy, have I ever wanted someone to get caught in the line of fire...KIDDING (am I?) All her faces in this video are either dead-eyes/mouth-agape or AARRGH PUSHING OUT A SHIT.
Oh fuck. For real?
God damn it. Someone needs to be fired for this. This is so embarrassing and stupid. She's in basic training. She's been in the Marines for like, a week. No one else is wearing cammo makeup. WHY in the FUCK is she putting on sniper makeup?? For fucks sakes people, someone sat down with an artist and storyboarded this out. SOMEONE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. This was an idea. Someone got paid too much money for this.
Lastly we get some eye-rollingly bad shots of Katy Perry dancing like a spastic used-car-dealership windsock man under an American flag. Quick! Someone let the flag touch the ground so it has to be burned (assuming everything under the flag is destroyed too).
She was dancing like Nell, from the movie Nell (aka like a feral child who grew up in the woods aka NOT WELL).
The end shot is Katy Perry pulling out SERIOUS ACTOR FACE to show us all that she's not like the girl she was in the beginning! Which was...uh...gas station girl? Girl who used to take baths with her boyfriend? Girl who didn't seem to have a job, and was emotionally unstable to approach her philandering boyfriend at his place of work (very classy, by the way. Nothing say "mature enough to be in a stable, adult relationship" like changing into your partner's office and throwing a hissy fit in front of his peers. ME ME ME!! ALL EYES ON ME! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!) The end game here is that Katy is now mature and, like, totally above all the bullshit and lies, you know? For real. Man, she's so smart. This was the most poignant, deepest music video of 2012. Oh wait, sorry, did I say poignant? I meant piece of crap. This video was like a visual representation of all the junk they pull out of the homes on Hoarders. Tons of stinky flat cats in this one, all set for the 1-800-GOT-JUNK truck. Let's be honest for a second (HA) Katy Perry can't act worth shit. I've seen better acting in a Stanley Steamer commercial (from the dog, as he's dragging his ass across the carpet). I know they just repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, but do you think someone could institute Don't Let You Act, because this is bringing hundreds of years of shame to the Marines. And soldiers. And people. And anyone with eyes who had to watch this shit for 3 minutes. Oh boy Katy, please stop starring in your own 3-minute short films and hire actors so you can stick to what you're good at (bahahahaha NOTHING!!!)
It goes without saying that this blog's content may be a little NSFW-ish, so please keep that in mind. I mean - you won't find a bunch of pictures of dongs staring you in the face, but I wouldn't load it as your Grammy's homepage, either.
