America's Next Top Tranny - Cycle 9 Week 3? 4? With The Mayor and Intern Tylerface

THE MAYOR (TM): Okay, so back by popular demand is My Little Intern, Tylerface. All comments have been seperated to show who says what. I shouldn't have to do this, but how else will you tell us apart? We are both just so goddamned hilarious.

TYLERFACE (ITF): I'll just get right to it. ITS MAKEOVER WEEK!! There are some hits, misses and trainwrecks, so pay attention!

TM: I know Tylerface wants to get right to make-overs, but something needs to be said about this week's loser, Victoria: Don't let the door hit your ass, bitch!! Thank you Tyra, for putting that smug assmunch in her place. Tyra should have ripped her shoes out of her hand and beat her ass with them. Am I being too tough on Victoria? No, she'll be alright. She can waltz back to Yale and get made fun of by all the Snooty-McSnoots. Do my bidding, Snooters!! But on to her picture. Ho-lay shit, what an uggers. She should have just ran into the Cover Girl challenge and found a paper bag. Ahahah, her poses were so sleep-over! She is so boring that my eyes try to kill themselves everytime she is on camera. Also, homegirl needs to lay off the American Eagle. Little too many Perfect Fit Ts, not enough anti-bitch juice. Did you see her in judging? I thought I was gonna see Twiggy have to slap a bitch! Tylerface, go. ITF: Poor.....BITCH! See what happens when you suck at taking pictures and fuck with Twiggy? Future reference: You don't fuck with Twiggy.

TM: Agreed. Twiggy is the shit. Her and Miss J are so powerful, they could snap your neck with their minds. Like Steven Segal.

ITF: This cycle is future, right? So it's high time that Tyra went all technological on our asses in the form of a morphing picture. They take the audition picture of the girl, then put the hair on that same face; sounds cool, right? No! It looks like it's done with MS Paint! Their make overs were pretty good, though. Bianca got SHAAAAAAAAAVED. Like; dayum. Bitch looked homely. Her tears were so triumphant, though. Like "I'm not gonna cry!" tears. At first I was like "OH. MA. GAWD!" but it grew on me. TM: One word, Binaca: GORGE! She needs to work that bald-ass head of hers and ditch the wig. Makes her look she is hiding a set of nuts in her jeans.

ITF: TYRAMAIL! "Deflowered"? Somehow the girls were like "WE GOTS TO GET NAKIE!" If you saw the look on Heather's face, you woulda pissed. She was either shocked and horrified, or she was having an ASSBURGERZ moment. I couldn't tell.

TM: I missed Tyramail cause I was finishing dinner. Praise you, Sweet Baby Jesus, for Swiss Chalet! But enough of the ugly losers. Let's move on to this week's winner. Can I even call it a winner? Picture of the Week? Do we like that one better? Meh, who gives a fuck.JENAH
TM: It looks like Ken Paves made her weave from Jessica Simpson’s left-overs. I have seen a better blonde weave on the Asian girl who works the Clip-In Hair booth down at the Mall. Jenah defs got a damaged package of Ken Paves for Jessica Simpson Hair-Do clip-ins.
ITF: May I just say - ugly girl mothers ugly weave. It's terrible! Bleach blonde, and her real hair sticks out from the fake. It's bad. Like the woman on Cold Case - a rat's nest. Her picture was like, pressed up against a mossy tree. It was okay, but it didn't really do anything for me. Highlight of the evaluation: TYRA SAID "OOOH CHILEEE!"

SALEISHA
ITF: Completely dead. Terrible. Too bad you can't send two people home. Wait, why not? On CNTM they didn't kick anyone out, that week - why not do double time, Tyra? Then you can have an episode dedicated to your weave! Think, woman!
TM: Saleisha looks like a broke-ass Dorothy Hamill. No, wait, I take it back. She looks like Tootie from The Facts of Life. Tootie!!
JANET
TM: Good job picking the wrong dress in the challenge, you dumb dick. Kids, this is what happens when you suck too much dick. Makes you rull stupid. Too many d's hitting the VB (voice box) will kill more brain cells than co2 from cans of Redi-Whip.
ITF: Whats with looking like a porn star in this shoot? I really like her make-over, but this shot is like "Hey, wanna know a secret? I can take three at a time." EW! JANET! HOW DARE YOU!

SARAH
TM: She kind of has a Soccer Mom thing going on. Top Model? For Cotton Ginny, maybe. Or Talbots (Moms LOVE Talbots). She should have closed her mouth a little. And when I say "a little", I mean "a lot". Homegirl needs to lose some weight, am I right people?
ITF: Wowza. She may look like she's advertising for a porn film called "Enter My V(ag)ines", but it's good. Her face is the best I've seen it. She doesn't look like she's just shit herself!
TM: Ooh-wee, T'shane! Sarah does not look good.

LISA
TM: Too pretty, but not in a lady way. More like in a Marc Jacobs way. Sidebar: why is there a snake crawling out of her crotch?
ITF: Finally! Her face is slightly different! The totally should have dressed her up as a panda bear. Geddit? Lil' Mama pain? I mean BAMBOO?

HEATHER
TM: She looked a lot like the ravers I went to highschool with. Very dirty, very green, fake dreds. And if you are gonna do weeds, do weeds. Dress heather up like Snoop Dogg. Also, it looks like she has Assburgers of the Bum and had to take a shit in the bushes (we've all been there).
ITF: Weeds? How do you do weeds? After seeing her picture, I now know how to be a weed. It was amazing. Is there anything this girl can't do? Oh yeah, look people in the eyes

CHANTAL
TM: You would love Baby’s Breath aka White Trash Prom Hair. I felt like I was watching an episode of My Name is Earl where Joy becomes a model. Not a real episode, but it pretty much writes itself.
ITF: Oh no! She looks like a kindergarten teacher. I dunno why, but she's got that "Now I know my ABC's" look to her.

AMBREAL
TM: Her hair was Amb-really grossing me out so much. Ewww!! It was like two oily black slugs crawling across her head.
ITF: Holy poop! She went from snore to whore! I really liked the picture. It was a little weak in the face but she's got her body down to an art. She thinks she's a genius, she drives me up the wall. (Okay, fine. No Shania.)
TM: Let it be known that that was the only time Shania will ever be mentioned on The Skip-Raid.

EBONY
TM: Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twisting through a dusty land
And when she shines she really shows you all she can
Oh Rio Rio dance across the Rio Grande
ITF: Yay! My bitch wasn't in the bottom two! Even though her pic wasn't up to my 'tastes' (thought I was gonna say standards, didn't cha?) I liked it. Also, her make over makes her look HAWT.
TM: Agreed.

ITF: Next Week on ANTM, Ambreal gets scared! They go skating. Wow, strangely familiar to Canada's Next Top Model, no? Skating and jumping on a trampoline? Oh Tyra! Running out of ideas, are we? I swear! GO WITH MY BATTLE ROYALE IDEA! IT WOULD STRIKE GOLD.

TM: I think that they should have an episode where the models get to Art Direct their own shoots, pick out their own costumes, and do their own make-up. Then we can all sit-back and watch the proverbial Hindenburg that will follow. Also, you know that Heather's Assburgerz would get the best of her and she would show up to Elimination with a Polaroid of her reading or something. Also also, Saleisha should do a Facts of Life shoot with Tyra as Miss Garrett. "Girls! Giiiiiirls!!"