I review last night's Hills with the sound off

Jello Fellows. Okay, so you are aware of my cable situation, correct? That I Le don't have Le Cable TV? So, I watched The Hills this morning at work on my computer. The only problem is, if I watch it with the sound on, I will get fired. And let's face it, as much as I would get fired for all of you (and really, I would) you cannot pay my rent. Additionally, I have become accustomed to quite a life of luxury, and baby dolphin feotus hair treatments and Romanian orphan silk gloves do not come cheap.
Anyways, based on what I saw (and not what I heard) here is what I think happened on The Hills last night:
Okay, so we start off with Lauren talking to Whitney at work about something. As usual, Whitney is folding and organizing clothes (ie: doing her job) and LC is sitting at her computer with a greasy ponytail (ie: as uge). Whitney is wearing a purple sweater-thing, which is pretty, but combined with that top-of-the-head bun, she is looking a little like Dear Aunt Agnes. Whitney says something and LC shoots her the cut-eyes. Cut to Main Title Sequence.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window...
It appears that this episode is titled What Goes Around...Ooh! This sounds dishy! (That's a word I learned from For Women First magazine). Audrina seems to be painting her toenails and Lauren walks in the livingroom. They seem to be staring blankly at eachother alot. Now Lauren is talking/preaching about something, and Audrina keeps giving her bitchface. They both smile, and it cuts to LA traffic.
Okay, so now Lauren and Lo/Cyclops are shopping at a boutique. They are staring blankly at eachother alot, and the odd time Lo will give LC a handfull of cut-eye. Ooh! Now LC just gave the cut-eye! They hug, and it cuts to a transit bus.
Alright, now we are in Bolthouse Offices with Brent Bolthouse and Heidi. It appears they are having some kind of meeting. Brent looks rough. They both look pissed; something is up. Brent is shaking his head, this can't be good. Heidi gets up to leave, and Brent picks up the phone. Maybe he is having Security escort her out of the building. Oh well.
Now we cut to Lulu's Cafe, where a dirty tranny hooker is adding SugarTwin to her Iced Tea. Oh wait, that's Jen Bunney. Honest mistake. OH SHIT, IT'S LC!! What the hell is she doing here?!? LC smiles at Jen. Whaa? Okay, so they are playing with their hair and sort of shifty-eye looking around. Boring! Ugh, this is taking forever. Something tells me I am missing some important dialogue.
We cut for commerical and come back with Audrina folding laundry (probably Justin-Bobby's). Lauren comes in and flops down on the couch. Yap yap yap, they are chatting. Maybe about the Jen Bunney lunch, maybe about the fact that Audrina can never look at a camera straight-on (have you noticed this? It's like "what are you looking at up there?").
We cut again to Heidi, and this time she is at her house fakely putting on make-up. Her acting is so bad, I feel like I am watching a Barbie commercial. Spencer is sitting on their bed, and his hair is surprisingly high. Kid n' Play high, if you will. They are scowling alot at eachother. Wha? We just cut to Venice Bistro and Audrina playing pool. No! I want more Heidi and Spencer scowls! Oh shit, it's Justin-Bobby. What a turd sandwich. Hot, but a turd sandwich. They are chatting and playing pool. Fuck, this show is boring without sound. I feel bad for the deaf. They are scowling a bit. Maybe they are breaking up? I doubt it; homegirl is dicknotized. Oh wait, that's a hug. They seem to be happy again.
We now move on to LC meeting Brody for dinner. Lots of laughing. Hahaha! They just did a semi-wide shot, and there is no one in the restaurant. Scripted much? Uh oh, now they are scowling at eachother. Something is up. Ugh, he is so hot; how can she scowl at that? SO what if he made up a rumour that you made a sex tape with Jason Wahler. Or that he nicknamed you Beefcurtains. Actually, that sucks. Moving on.
Back at TeenVogue! Good, I wanna see what Whitney is wearing to make up for that horrendous Little House on the Prairie outfit from before. Ooh! Good shit, Whitney! The hair...not so much. Someone needs a hair cut. So LC and Whitney seem to be doing lots of talking. I can totally predict what they are saying, too.
LC: bla bla bla Jen Bunney bla bla bla Audrina bla bla bla Justin-Bobby bla bla bla
Whitney: well...maybe if Audrina...
LC: bla bla bla Brody bla bla bla Jen Bunney
I wouldn't be surprised if they created the character of Whitney just so they didn't have hours of footage of LC talking to herself.
Whoops, now we go to Heidi and JEN BUNNEY?!? WHAT?!? Judas! Okay, before I get into the whole Heidi and Jen Bunney thing, do you not love how the door to the restaurant is barely even open and Heidi is practically snapping her neck to turn and see who it is. Heidi needs acting lessons. So they are talking, but it doesn't look good. Lots of scowling from Heidi. Whoah! She just threw out some serious bitchface! They are clearly talking about LC. So Heidi goes home and Spencer, due to some colourful editing, seems to have grown a beard overnight. They are fighting now. Excuse me, they are acting like they are fighting. And not doing a very good job. I have seen better emoting from store mannequins.
End scene.
But what does it all mean? Well, I think that the writers are finally getting around to killing off Jen Bunney. Joking! Her 15 minutes will do that. Spencer and Heidi are obvs going to break up (doye) and LC and Heidi will be friends again (doye). Lo will fianlly get the Anti-Cycloptic surgery she desperately needs (thanks Make-A-Wish!) and Whitney will keep being Whitney (ie: the only person with a brain).
PS - The Hills sucks without sound.