America's Next Top Tranny, All-Heather Haterade Edition!

Before I go any further, I must make a sad, sad announcement. My dear Intern, Tylerface is taking some time off, and will be absent from the ANTM critiques for a while. He writes:

Well! Hate to break the news, but I'm completely crammed with university stuff and honestly have no time for human activities anymore. Which could be deemed good, because a lot of people complain about the length of your ANTM posts! FUCK EM! but now they can get what they want. I feel like Sarah McLachlan should serenade me off or something.
I WILL REMEMBER YOUUUUU. WILL YOU REMEMBER MEEEEEE? DONT LET YOUR LOVEEE PASSS MEEE BYY... something something... THE MEMORRYYYY.
I am complete! I may write periodically about it - perhaps like an over all summary of the episode in like.. three sentences but you know. Crammage. I had a nervous breakdown yesterday and left school! I AM STRONG!
I may possibly be back next week.. or at least the top three.

You will be missed during your hiatus, my dear. Now on to the good stuff. If you watched last night, and are anything like me, you spent a good part of the evening cringing and awkwardly searching for an escape route everytime Heather opened her trick-ass mouth.Twiggy and Nigel and Tyra were all like "this photo is ahmayzingks!!" Um, no. This photo looks like Heather is about to plop-a-squat and drop an assbuger. You know what? The "poor me, I'm Heather, I have Aspergers" is wearing a little thin. Last time I checked, Aspergers doesn't affect your ability to take a joke. Did you see her fighting with Saleisha in the shower?!? Take it ease, Heather! Its a goddamn shower with 4 goddamn shower heads. You can't "call" the whole thing, genius! It's a communal shower! Shit, she was getting on my last nerve this week. And Twiggy was all "I have nevah seen a gill who looks like huh befoh." Really? It's called 'Canada'. We have tonnes of brown-hair, brown-eyes girls. They aren't that rare. But enough about Heather. We need to discuss who isn't going to China next week. And y'all know I wish I was talking about Lisa, but...Poor Ambreal! I loved this shot!! It was one of my favourites. But sadly I had to agree with that Stephen King-looking motherfucker; she isn't exactly America's Next Top Model. She is pretty and funny and stuff, but she just isn't it. Bye bye girl, you will be missed! Say hi to Sarah for me!
And now for the leftovers that will be stinking up the fridge 'till next Wednesday...

BINACA
I really enjoy this shot. Bianca can do no wrong in my eyes. The only thing I am a little worried about is what is up with homegirls' hair? Why did they add all that gold powder into it? I also felt bad for Bianca when they had to meet up with the FIT designers (or wherever the hell it was) and Bianca got the WORST designer! Her dress looked like shit when she walked down the runway. Also, there was a great deal of sideboob going on. Not good.

CHANTAL
I love love love Chantal, and while she has a snowball's chance in hell of winning, she will definately have a career after this. Probably with FHM, but a career nonetheless. Also, why did all the other girls get glittery, sequinned dresses, and Chantal got a dress that I think I wore to a birthday party in 1991?

JENAH
You know, I just don't know what to think of Jenah. She will take a good shot, but in real life, she is just so uggers. Admit it - she is really ugly. But her shots are good, so meh. But yeah, don't get too attached - she will be gone soon. Trust.

LISA
Ugh, I hate this bitch almost as much as I hate Heather. Boring! She is such a turd. Why is she always posing in her room? I really loved it when she flubbed her lines on the runway, though. That was priceless. Then when she came backstage and was like "looks like I'm not going to be America's Next Top Model...". Yeah, I can only hope.

SALEISHA
Saleisha is my girl. That Stephen King weirdo from Elite is right; you just wanna be friends with her. I would LOVE to be friends with Ole' Saley. But this picture stinks something fierce. I don't like it. I think it's the hair. KEEP THE TOOTIE!

Next week...
The girls go to ching-chong-China (not my joke, it's from Wondershowzen) and get to film CoverGirl commercials that will never air. Awesome! Also, it looks like a few have some serious trouble remembering their lines. Yesss! And Tyra picks up a few new wigs (pfft, probably). Hey hos, pick me up some fake Louis Vuitton while you are there, k? Peace!