Some people have weird fears, like being scared of sandwiches or button-fly jeans. I myself get very uncomfortable when I am forced to use a public washroom. As long as you familiarize yourself with your surroundings, you'll be just fine. And remember; a trip to the public shitter can be either 3 minutes of Hell, or 3 minutes of Sheer Hell. Let's see if we can't make this bathroom visit a little less horrific with some Bathroom Life Tips:
The Luxury Stall (aka The Handicapped Stall)
I take pride in life's simple pleasures. For example, most people do not use the handicapped washroom for 2 reasons:
a) out of resepct for those who may need to use that stall
b) they are scared of what strange horrors that forbidden stall holds
I started using the handicapped stall at work to change in because is it so big; you can keep your bags and shoes and stuff and you don't bump your ass on the door when you put on pants. We nicknamed it 'the luxury stall' because it was this huge bathroom with several hooks and nice lighting and a huge toilet. My friend Alexis thought it was actually a luxury stall for preferred guests until I had to tell her it was this large because it was made to accomodate a wheelchair (she had no idea). Anyways, being in a handicapped stall is like being in the bathroom at your house. Nice and private. Just make sure that if someone in a wheelchair needs to use it when you are in it, limp on your way out. Something tells me people in wheelchairs don't appreciate when the able-bodied use their stuff.
Pee on the seat
Know what I hate? People who claim to be germaphobes. They are the people who are like "ew! I never sit down on the toilet seat! There are like, 2000 different germs on a toilet seat!". Guess what? Real germaphobes are so OCD they barely leave the house. They wash their hands 30 times a day and won't let people touch them. You are not a germaphobe if you hover over the toilet seat; you are just an idiot. People who hover over the seat are probably the biggest bain of my existence, not because of their rediculous defecation habits, but because they leave piss all over the seat. Come on! I have to hear about your stupid fake germaphobia; the least you can do is wipe off the piss you leave all over the place.
"Sanitary Napkin Disposal"
I know that guys washrooms are rumoured to be pretty gross (urinal pucks, anyone?) But nothing compares to the disgusting corner of the stall known only as 'the black abyss'. People. Please. It's simple physics: open the lid/place the "used goods" into the container/close the lid. Bada-bing, it's so easy. So why then is there always bloody pads and wet tampon applicators on the floor, on the lid, on the wall?!? Is this Kazakhstan? Like, the garbage is RIGHT THERE!! Please, imagine being the janitor at the end of the night having to peel your "used goods" off the floor? Can you at least leave a $20 tucked underneath your "used goods" for the person who has to clean up after you?
Stage Fright
Look, I'm no God. I still have some problems using the public bathroom. Case in point, I'll admit it; I get stage fright. I can only do my business if I am alone. My best friend taught me a trick that sorta helps. If you have to pee and you get nervous, do your timestables. That way, you are concentrating pretty hard on something and the pee just falls out. But sometimes evern timestables aren't enough. Sometimes you have to poop and THIS lady walks in. You can always tell when someone is shitting, and I always leave. Pooing in general is a little embarrassing when you have to do it in public. It's uncomfortable, you don't have a magazine or a radio. So I don't get why dumbasses have to prance into the bathroom, realize you are struglging with a deuce, and don't leave. They will just stand there, fixing their hair or applying lipstick, brushing their hair. COME ON!! Leave me alone!! Can't you come back in 5 minutes!?!? Then when you come out, they do this stupid 'sniff-scowl'. Like 'sniff', and then they wrinkle their nose. Oh, I'm sorry...you don't shit? That's amazing, your majesty. Here's $100.
Big Waste of Money
Who actually said "you know what dries better than paper towels? Mildly warm air!" Because when I find this person, I will kill them. After I was my hands, there is nothing worse than looking for paper towels and finding one of these bad boys staring back at you. Actually wait, you know whats worse than the air dryer? Those fabric cloth dryers that have the looping of white terrycloth that you pull on and dry your hands. You know what I'm talking about? Those are really gross, eh? Just go back for some toilet paper.
And there you have it. Also, you may be wondering "why was there no mention of toilets full of unflushed shit"? I'll tell you why: sometimes you just eat too much Burrrito Boys and it Geddy Lees out your ass too fast. Leaving it for all to see serves as a very important warning that says "I was once like you. Don't judge me. This could happen to you too".
Alright, peace out! And remember, people judge you when you don't wash your hands. ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS!!
Everybody who has ever been between the ages of 8 and 21 knows that embarrassment lurks around every corner. And if your life experiences have been anything like mine, then you must have a whole sock-drawer full of horribly traumatizing moments. And what better way to deal with them then to send them in to The Skip-Raid! Here's what you need to do:
