Canada's Next Top H&M Employee

People, let's get a few things straight before I launch into a tirade about CNTM. This is a Canadian Top Model:This is a Canadian Top Model:This is NOT a Canadian Top Model:Seriously. Did you WATCH CNTM last night? Santa Maria, that was miserable. Can we please name their house "The Dog Pound", cause those girls are ug-lee. And I know there will be one or two of you that will go "you just jealous!!". Umm, no. Jealous of this? I don't think so. And please don't comment on the poor crop-job on these pictures - it must not be in the budget to hire a decent photographer on CNTM. Also, did you know that they win a contract with Sutherland Models? AHAHAHAHAHAH!! Can we go over the Toronto Modeling Agency Heirarchy for a moment here?
1. Elmer Olsen
2. Ford
3. Elite
4. Barbizon
5. Tru-Star Modelz
6. Uncle Ricky's Ladies
7. Sutherland Models
Exactly. So, how about we take a spin around The Dog Pound and rate these mutts?

CORI
Cori looks like she should be operating the Drop Zone at Six Flags Darien Lake. No seriously, it's summertime and she needs to put her application and resume in post-haste if she wants summer employment. I would leave CNTM off her resume if I were her; it will only hurt her chances of getting a job.


GINA
Aka Gyna. As in Va-gina. You know, from the 40-year-old Virgin? Anyways, Gyna looks like a broke-ass Coors Maxim Caddy. Like the kind that just barely got a job at hooters and then she auditioned to be a Maxim girl and they only took her because their favorite girls, Trishelle and Kyana, got picked up by FHM for their equally as popular "Win a Golf Game with a Miller Hi-Life FHM Slut".


JACQUELINE
Take off that stupid scarf. Seriously, it is bothering me to no end. It is ugly and is drawing attention away from the fact that you are one of the only pretty girls on the show. TAKE IT OFF!!


MIKA
This girl was my favorite last night, until she got the boot. One down, one to go. Goodbye ethnic diversity!!


MO
You're next girl! Watch yo back!! Mo is very very pretty and has a cute little accent. Good for her!! She is also totally full of herself and I think the girls are going to gang up on her.


REBECCA
Rebecca is the girl who said that she was working in a meat factory making hot dogs. Apparently she leaves the factory every day covered in blood (like Carrie?) and she desperately wanted to escape. Um, why? You are a hot girl in a factory that is presumably filled with men. You would get attention 24-7, plus with all that blood, you could just stop buying tampons and blame it on the meat. EWWW!! Did I honestly just type that? The Skip-Raid has reached a new low!
In short, Rebecca reminds me of a young Shelly Duvall.


SINEAD
Sinead is boring and will float through this competition till she is eliminated. Like, there is NOTHING top-model about this girl. Yes, she is pretty, but so are most of the girls who work at Costa Blanca, and we're not going out and giving them modeling contracts.


STEF
Like, they just slept through those audition tapes, right? Otherwise, how did this girl sneak in? I'm pretty sure she just showed up at City-TV HQ's and lined up with the rest of them during taping and no one bothered to escort her out. They're just like "was that girl always here? Meh, who cares, I'm still getting paid for this, right?" Stef looks like any girl you see walking through the mall (aka NOT TOP MODEL MATERIAL). Don't unpack those bags just yet, homegirl - you will probably be next.


TARA
This girl MIGHT look better from a makeover, and MIGHT look better with some coaching, and MIGHT look better under some cool lighting, or MIGHT have some real talent. Then again, I MIGHT be a better astronaut if I had access to Cape Kennedy, and I MIGHT be a better unicorn if I had a horn on my head, and I MIGHT be able to fly with Santa and the Easter Bunny in their Magic Sleigh-Car on St.Patrick's Day Eve if I woke up on time. Do you get where I'm going with this? She is ugly, and you can't do much about ugly. Homegirl is like highschool in July: No Class. And DON'T say she is just "weird" looking.Agyness Deyn is "Weird" looking, but she is also totally gorgeous. Tara is just plain uggers. You can't change uggers, it just ain't gonna happen.


TIA
Last but not least, is the ugliest of them all, Tia. Woof! Woof! Soo-eee!! Seriously, this girl is beyond ugly - byatch is HOMELY. Tell me she looks anywhere near as gorgeous as Stam or Daria. Go ahead, try it. You can't. And look, I know I'm being harsh, and that I'm sure they are all totally cool and nice and smart. But this isn't Canada's Nicest Coolest Girl. This is a glorified beauty pageant. Ergo, shoudln't the competitors be somewhat beautiful? Is this an Inner Beauty Pageant (like on Arrested Development)? Anyways, I really hope Tia gets the boot, cause not only is she fug-to-the-max, she's also really goddamned annoying.

Well, that's all for this week in CNTM news. I think next week they get makeovers or something. Who will look better? Who will look worse? Will it even matter?

Ginger Tuesdays...on Wednesday

People, I will be honest with you - I haven't seen Shrek 3. And...I also didn't see much of Shrek 2 either. I saw the part with the Antonio Banderas cat, Puss In Boots. That was pretty cute. But I'm sorry - the best part of Shrek 1 was Lord Farquhar, and he died at the end, so I thought - what's the point? There probably won't be an hilarious Small World parody with lyrics like "please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your...face". My kid sister saw Shrek 3 and said that the only funny part was Pinnoccio, but I can make my own boner jokes about that at home without spending $12.
Anyways, I thought I'd touch on a subject that I just noticed. Here's Princess Fiona (a Ginger) before she reveals her "true self":And here she is after she reveals her "true self":Hhhmm...let me get this straight. All the princesses have something wrong with them. Snow White is asleep forever until someone kisses her and wakes her up. Black hair. Rapunzel has embarrassingly long hair and is trapped in a tower until a prince saves her. Blonde hair. Fiona is pretty and then upon true love's kiss she turns into her real form which is a hideous troll. Ginger.
That's what I thought. People, let Shrek serve as a warning to us all. If you fall in love with a Ginger, and you kiss it, it WILL turn into its true form, which is a hideous freak troll. I went to high school with a guy who looked like Shrek, and let me tell you - not cool.
So remember - don't fall in love with a Ginger.

Overrated: The Animal Kingdom Edition

The animal world is just like Hollywood; there are people who will always be around and will always stay classy (Gwenyth Paltrow) or people who are a little under the radar but are still totally cool (Chloe Sevigny). Then there are people who you wish would just drive drunk and crash their car and then flee the scene and then the cops find drugs in the glove compartment (...not so fast, Lohan...). So here are the best of the best and the lamest of the lame in the world of animals. Enjoy!

THE CLASSICS

SEALS
I think that seals may be the only animal that gets cuter as it grows up. Can't say that for kittens, now can we? Even when seals get old and fat, they just get older in years and fatter in the cute department (aka The Jowels). What other animal has its own national holiday where people track them down in huge packs to snuggle their brains out? What? They're not stalking them to snuggle them? Whugh, my bad. "Club Sandwiches, Not Seals" makes so much sense now.

KANGAROOS
Quick! Name an animal other than a kangaroo that you can box? Boxing your dog isn't boxing; that's animal abuse. There really isn't any other animal that you can throw a pair of a pair of Everlasts on and go to Tyson Town on its ass and LOSE. I'd say the only way a human could beat a kangaroo in a fight is by shooting it, but then you'd be a total dick and I'd hire a kangaroo to kick your ass.

POLAR BEARS
Jesus, what is it with the North that makes some seriously kick-ace animals? Polar bears combine the adorability of a snuggly little cotton ball (like Knut, the world's most famous P-bear) with the human-killing properties of a...well, bears. Also, you know how normal bears won't attack a human unless they feel threatened? Apparently, polar bears will attack you just cause you are there. Word.

MICE
Plenty of rodents can be cute, but what if you want a combination of cute and fast and LETHAL? What other animal can get a tonne of people sick AND sleep in a chunk of swiss cheese? Mice in the subway do that, don't they? Sleep in cheese?


THE UNDERDOGS

KOALAS
Not since the 1980's have koalas see any popularity. Seriously, do you not remember that? Olivia Newton-John and her Koala-Blue brand and Crocodile Dundee and everyone was drinking Fosters (a kid I know actually thought Australian was a language and that 'fosters' was the Australian word for 'beer') and everyone was flying Qantas and listening to Men Without Hats "I come from a land down under" and eating Vegemite...wait, no one was eating Vegemite. That stuff is SICK!
Anywhoo, koala bears are adorable and everything, but did you know:
- They are not bears
- Their claws can rip through cans and will kill you if you take away its kids or bamboo

OCTOPUS
Don't correct me and say 'octopi' you pretentious douchebag. Nobody says octopi. Anyways, what can you say about the octopus? Maybe that it constantly lives in the whale and shark's shadow? Or maybe that they used to drag ships and seamen to their deaths (although they started to knock it off somewhere around 1912 when they discovered that most seamen were sleeping with seaport hookers and were swimming with diseases). Let's just say that octopusses do a bunch of things well, but one specific thing great: when you cut off their legs and dredge them in flour and cornmeal and fry them, they taste delicious. Keep up the good work, tasty friends of the sea!!

MONGOOSE
Mongeese (?) fight snakes. Like real snakes, too. Pythons. One time a Mongoose fought Chuck Norris and the mongoose almost won. But you know how it is. Chuck can kill any animal with one punch (except kangaroos, they take several punches and the soundtrack to Billy Elliot).

SLOTHS
Sloths will be the next big deal. They are on the upsing and you'll be seeing a lot more of them around town. You know, at Hyde and Teddys and stuff. Doing lines with Lohan and crashing their beemers into sloth-trees. Oh, and Kitson. Those marsupials will be all over Kitson.


THE OVERRATED aka WHERE'S A POACHER WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

PANDAS
God, are these little turds overrated or what? Seriously, what good do they do? They aren't even bears (at least Koalas can admit this) and all they are famous for is having babies in Chinese zoos. Plus, they don't even taste good (Number 9 special at New Ho Garden). Can they swim? No. Can they fight people? Hells no, they are so lazy. Can they sing or fart on command or do X-rated stuff at zoos? Never. They are black and white and that's about it. You know who else follows that same criteria? Zebras. And they are cooler. Pandas denied.

PARROTS
Parrots belong on Jimmy Buffet's shirts and the set of Miami Vice and shitty art from the 80's. And I don't mean in the ironic sense, either, like ironic moustaches or ironic shades. Parrots are crummy pets cause their piss smells so bad and all they do is sit on your head like they live at African Lion Safari. Plus, they are ugly birds! Parrots have no redeeming qualities.

MONKEYS
Ew ew ew. I hate monkeys. They are like gross little people. Plus, it's like whenever a movie needs some comic relief, they always throw in a monkey in a diaper. EW! STOP! No more monkeys in diapers!! Its just, oh my god. I always avoid the monkey house at the zoo cause they make me so uncomfortable. Is there something wrong with me? Seriously, who else hates monkeys?

LIGERS
If I could go back in time, I would first go slap 10-year-old me for wearing so much Northern Getaway. Secondly, I would go to Jared Hess' house and say "Jared. Listen. Napoleon Dynamite is going to make you a buttload of money. So much money that you will be able to make a second movie (that will be way awesome and it will be called Nacho Libre and Jack Black will be in it and it will have way more quotable lines, and it won't make a ton of money, but it will be way more amazing that Napoleon Dynamte, but anyways) but do me a favour. Don't invent Ligers. Please. You will regret it buddy. You will see them everywhere and really dumb boring people will be all over them. They will talk about ligers for a year and a half and smart people (who will be SO over the movie a year and a half later) will have to listen to these morlocks for way too long until they find something new to ruin. And while you're at it, don't make a shirt that says "vote for pedro" in red cooper bold. Please. Again, you will thank me for this".

Happy Memorial Day, Urrbods.

I am told that because it is Memorial Day, my American Readers will be taking the day-off and getting down on some Hot Dogs and Fireworks today. Good for you! You guys celebrate everything, and I love that. You take off every president's birthday/death-day/time they cut the ribbon at a railroad and celebrate with No-TAX sales at the Mall (which I then reap the benefits of, since it costs too bloody much to drive down to Buffalo / aka Big Buffy to buy cheap shit from Forever 21).
So enjoy celebrating the outstanding Men and Women of our Greatest Generation. You may not know what the capitol of England is, but you sure as hell know that because of them it's not Berlin.

Puppy for Sale

People, I certainly love junkmail. Who doesn't want to increase their penis size using authentic Egyptian treatments or get the hottest animated smilies? Today I got an exceptional junkmail - I actually thought for a second it was a letter. Feel free to scan through it or just skip to the end:

Good day,
This is Mrs Elena Caviar am emailing you in regards of the puppy you have for sale, so what I want you to do for me now is to give me the cost of the Puppy and I want to let you know that i'll send my shipping company to come down to your place for the pick. And the payment method will be via (CASHIERS CHEQUE) which you will just take to the nearest cash point to
you to cash it. Please reconfirm your final selling price. Once i hear from you i will need you to email me the following details:
(1) YOUR FULL NAME THAT WILL BE WRITTEN ON THE
CASHIERS CHEQUE
(2) YOUR FULL MAILING ADDRESS
(3) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER
(4) FINAL SELLING PRICE
Thanks for the co-operation and God bless. Best Regards
Mrs Elena Caviar
And i also want you to know that you will be receiving a CASHIERS CHEQUE of $5.000 that will sent to from a client of mine who is owing me this amount. So all I want you to do now is to recieve the CASHIERS CHEQUE , After then i will expect you to wire the funds Immdiately to my Shipping Company to come over for the Pick up (I will handle the Shipping so Shipping
Should not any Problem). All you need to do is to wait for the Shipping Company to come over for the Pick up, You will be notify on the Day they will arrive so that you will around for them for the pick up. Also funds should be Transfered to my Shipping Company via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER. I am Compesating you with the Sun of $200 for thelittle stress you will be going through in the transaction. Finally i am making you a promise that the pup will be taken care of just like a child and nutured like my friend,companion and pet at the same time,never lacking any care and love from me at any point,i will also send you pictures from time to time for you to see what love it gets from me. So If this is acceptable by you i want you kindly let me know in your next response....I want you to reply back to my original email address: ********@yahoo.com
Thanks..

So, of course I had to write back:

1. I do not have a puppy for sale
2. There is no cost for the puppy, as there is no puppy for sale
3. Is your name really ‘Mrs. Caviar’? Should I send the puppy to CLUE c/o Parker Brothers? What happened to the last puppy? It was the rope in the library, wasn’t it?
4. “I am Compesating you with the Sun of $200 for thelittle stress you will be going through in the
transaction”. Really? The Sun? I’d say that receiving The Sun would be considered a pretty high-stress transaction.
5. Good luck finding that puppy, and as always – read www.skipraid.blogspot.com

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

People, you know I normally don't post on the weekends, unless something very important comes up. Like Britney shaving her head. Or Paris being sentenced to the pokey.
But this is real big. Rull big. This is Jesus answering my prayers for reals big.
Lohan not only wrapped her car around a tree last night while high on coke and wasted on Mommy Juice, but she got busted with tonnes of coke in her car.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, you stupid whore!!! What is wrong with you, you dumb retard?!?
Now, some of the naysayers might call Shenanigans saying that this is just a sad attempt at publicity for her new movie about being a stripper (I Know Who Killed Me...yeah, your cokehead ass in a BMW) but I say No Shenanigans. Her birthday is next week or something - girl's party was being sponsored by Sveda Vodka. (Hey, I know tonnes of AA-members who get alcohol companies to sponsor their birthday parties, don't hate.) Like, what the hell?!? I honestly didn't think it would end this way; I mean, everybody knows Lohan is a total snowface, but a drunk-driving car-write-off snowface? I honestly thought she would just get lame and disappear until The Surreal Life 2020.
Let's see where this one goes, shall we?Cheer up, Lilo! It's only a DUI charge, a Potential Vehicular Manslaughter charge, and a Possession of a Class A Drug charge! That's practically a slap on the wrist or a few months community...oh shit. You're going to jail.

I Call Shenanigans!!

There is a lot of buzz surroundind ABC's fall line up. QUICK! Name 3 shows other than the Geico Cavemen sitcom!! That's right, you can't. Don't feel bad, neither can I. All I can focus on is ABC's newest sitcom about a Geico commercial. I'm not sure what the actual title is (Cavemen? Geico's Cavemen? Max Headroom 2007?). People, I know PLENTY of people are naysaying this show (hell, most people think it's gonna get cancelled during the second commercial break of the pilot) but do you know what I think?
I think it's a fake.
I think this show is a big fat fake. I think that it's all hype that's going to turn around and bite us in the ass come fall. We're going to tune in September 30th, Thursday Night at 9pm and watch a 2 minute commercial followed by a big fat "fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."
That, or it will be the next Seinfeld. Who knows? I mean, come one - Hell has frozen over, people. Do you need any more proof than The Simple Life 5?
I will follow this ABC's Cavemen till the bitter end. I swear to god, if it isn't a joke, then someone at ABC clearly woke up one morning and went "aw, fuck it...go ahead and greenlight that dream I had about cavemen".

Barf Diego Barf!!

So, here's a little story for you all to think about. I told you yesterday that I have been feeling under the weather because of some medecation I am on for an infection. For whatever reason, I loves the pills, but the pills don'ts loves me. So I was planning to go out for dinner with my beloved and his parents and before I left, I took my medecation (all 3 pills worth). Immediately, I start to feel nauseous. But whatever, walk it off, right? So we're meeting his parents at BCE place, which if you know Toronto at all, you know that's right near the Hummingbird Centre. So, I finally stop at the Hummingbird and say "I am defs going to sick-up" and start frantically looking for a spot to unload. Of course, the only spot semi-private is the hedges lining the HB-centre, so I'm like "whateves - gonna hurl". Now, normally I don't get embarrassed by throwing up in public; it's a very 'what-can-you-do-about-it?' moment and I respect that. But of course, I had to barf in front of the HB-centre which is showing the very popular Go Diego Go! LIVE and there were literally HUNDREDS of 4-year-olds walking past me and watching me barf. As well, the painkillers I am on stain your urine (and, natch, vomit) an electric orange colour. This was no typical camo-barf; this was like holding a giant flashing light that said "look over here at what this person is doing in the bushes!!"
People, it was like 'The Exorcist LIVE'(for Kidz!). Never have I seen so many children watching and screaming and laughing and going "Daddy, what is coming out of that person's mouth?!?"
To find out why I barfed orange, visit Drugs and Poisons. And remember kids, Pass on Grass. And by 'pass' I mean "try not to barf on the", and by 'grass' I mean...well, grass.
Pray For Mojo, everybody!!

Hollywood's Littlest Partygirl

Look out Paris Hilton, it's Suri Cruise! Are you looking at this bundle of adorability?!? Girl is getting ready to overthrow you as LA's numero uno out-of-cann-troll partygirl. Sources claim to have heard Suri tell the paparazzi that "Paris better enjoy prison" because there is a "new drunk at Hyde". This was after a visibly inebriated Suri exited Maxim's Hot 100 party last Thursday night at the Hotel Gansevoort in NYC. Here is Suri struggling to stay vertical on the set of her Mom's new movie 'Mad Money'. A source close to us here at The Skip-Raid is a craft-truck worker on the film and said that
"Suri shows up at least 2 hours after filming has begun and causes such a fuss that production has to be shut down for 1 to 2 hours at a time. I feel bad for Katie because Suri is totally out of control. Last week, she told a production assistant she needed 4 cases of Ketel One delivered to her Mom's trailer ASAP and then when they arrived, she smashed a case in front of the PA telling her "it wasn't the right kind". What kind of Ketel One did she want?!? There's only one!"
Mm-hm, girl better check herself. Who does she think she is, Rumer Willis?
Thanks to Michael K @ DListed for the image.

*I know this is a lazy post, but I am dying...sort of. I have a bladder infection. Sit on that one for a while. It feels like aliens cut out my kidneys (maybe they did!!...that's lame, sorry. It's the meds)

Unanswered Questions: Project Greenlight

This week in Unanswered Questions, I have decided to focus not on one horribly ill-conceived children's show, but several. After all - you guys are too good to me. You deserve it. Now, I could go the easy route and post a couple of pictures of Fred Penner with smarmy questions like "where the hell did that Log lead to, anyways?" but no. That would be too easy. Instead, I have decided to delve into the world of unloved, unwatched, and (natch) un-renewed television shows of the 80's and early 90's. So sit back and get ready for a trip down memory lane (actually, I guess it's more like 'How the Hell did that show get the Go-Ahead' Avenue). And if you don't remember some of the shows listed, it's okay. I watched A LOT of television in my formative years, and look at me now! Thank your lucky stars your parents pryed you away from the idiot box once in a while (my Mom couldn't pull me away from the tv, but it's not her fault. Being a successful Blackjack Dealer is a demanding career).

"Kids Can Rock and Roll"Oh Buddy Goodfellow, Ace Manners, P.J. Styles. For three rockstars, you sure did live pretty clean-cut lives. Where was the episode about a debilitating heroin addiction? The urban legend about the groupie from Tampa? The heartwrenching story about your original drummer, Joey Handshakes, choking on his own vomit on the Kideo tour bus? Oh yeah, that's right. You guys totally blew. I went to a birthday party when I was 9 and the kid's drunk stepdad pulled out a guitar and was was like "ARE YOU KIDS READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?!?!" and started into a messy verse from "Dr.Feelgood" and we were all like "Derek? Where's the clown? Didn't you say you were getting a clown?" and looking back, let me tell you. If I was back at that party and had to pick between a performance by Kideo or Derek's drunk stepfather, I would go for Motley Crue Stepdad. Why? Less embarrassing.

"Marie-Soleil"Ah, bonjour! Voici Marie-Soleil, Fergus, et Clune Samuel! Le plus-terrible programme de la television! You wanna know why my French is so bad? Because Marie-Soleil was a crock of shit. How could you learn anything from a woman speaking ONLY in French, a dog-puppet speaking ONLY in English, and a clown speaking ONLY in...hand gestures? This show was all over the place - Clune Samuel was clearly a girl. Secondly, Fergus looked like he was made from a sock and 2 golf balls 5 minutes before the show went to air. Thirdly; Marie-Soleil, I know that you're from Quebec. But come on. Could you have made this show any more anti-Anglophone? The only person who speaks english looks like he's been up all night snorting coke, and you made the only other human a mute as if he was to say "Je suis rather be silent than parlez englaise".

"Size Small Island"Now, Size Small Island wasn't that large of a blip on the Canadian Television radar (Hell, I used to make fun of the show as a 5 year old). It was about a family that lived in the mountains I guess? There was Miss Helen, Oliver, Grandma Gussie, Tex, and one very special friend who gave me nightmares on a regular basis. That's right, Friend Record. A giant piece of vinyl who sang songs and tapped 2 wooden spoons together. A giant anthropomorphisized record. With spoons. How did this show get 2 spin-offs again?!?

"Take Part with Lois Walker"Who is the mastermind behind this show, Lois Walker or the shitty Puppets? Because quite frankly, if I had to choose either one to do open-heart surgery on me, I'm going with that green box puppet that collects the mail. And am I the only one who got the feeling that Mr. Twister was fired from the child-birthday-party circut for telling a dirty limerick to a room full of 6-year-olds? Hey! I have a clever riddle to send in to Take Part!
There once was a super-gay show
that made puppets out of AH fuck it, limericks are hard.
Long story short, the only thing more terrible than Take Part was Lois Walker's Tell-a-Tale Town. So Bad.

"Readalong"TVO had some golden years, didn't they? Dear Aunt Agnes, Harriet's Magic Hats, Timothy Pilgrim, Math Makers. And of course, Telefrancais. But my personal favorite was Readalong, featuring Boot. Okay, come on. What is with all the anthropomorphisized puppets on 80's era YTV and TVO? At least Friend Record had a name that wasn't simply "Giant Record". Boot's name was 'Boot'. And Boot taught me to read. And Boot taught me to be scared of Noreen Young, the puppeteer who created Boot, Granny, all the puppets from Under the Umbrella Tree and Today's Special. Why did all the puppets look like they were melting?!? SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!

"Gigglesnort Hotel"I used to watch Gigglesnort Hotel everyday at lunchtime on YTV. It was about a guy who ran a hotel and there was a dragon that lived in the furnace. All in all, it was pretty dullsville. Aparently, it had been on for YEARS and I was just watching the final run of it, so I can't imagine how weird it was back in the day. But I will tell you this (and my friend Anna-Sophia can attest to this, as she used to watch the show too) there was this character on Gigglesnort who was just a lump of clay and the owner used to mould his face around (like make his eyebrows raised or his ears extra big). Which isn't necessarily weird. But whenever his face was fixed, the whole time the clay person would moan and scream in this horrible muffled way!! Like, the guy was killing him or something! Hello!! I was like 4 years old! How would you have taken that!?!?
Also, again, puppets that looked like they were melthing.

Friday F-You

Okay people. The shit has hit the fan. Remember way back when I talked about my affinity for the Handicapped Stall (aka The Luxury Stall) in the public washroom? Well, it seems someone has been using the Luxury Stall at my work. This wouldn't be so bad except that they destroy it every time they use it. Time after time, I have entered my own little Defecation Valhalla to find toilet paper all over the floor, the "sanitary receptacle" covered in "lady mess" and skid marks in the bowl.
And I know who it is, because I caught her TWICE now. She always comes out of the stall with this air of supremacy on her stupid face like "how DARE you use MY luxury stall?!? I'll leave shit stains in the bowl if I so choose!"
People, I suppose my question is this: what is the best way to deal with this unsavoury character? Should I out her as the slippery shitter she is in front of everybody else in the ladies room? Should I leave a little paper lunchsac in the stall with a post-it that says "Hello you filthy mongrel. Here is a bag for all your lady business, because I know it is such a daunting task for you to get your maxi(and may I stress 'maxi') pads into the "sanitary receptacle". Enjoy it, you dirty, unclean skank."? And good people, now is a good time to stress that nobody who works on my floor has a wheelchair/walker/too overweight to fit into the normal stalls. This is an able-bodied woman with an unfortunate problem: bad manners. When I poo, I will flush twice to make sure I don't leave residue in the bowl. Nobody likes to see what you've been eating all day. Judging by the smell and the colour, this woman eats alot of Curry and Pop-Tarts (so hot, they're cool). I swear to god, I need a solution. I used to love the Luxury Stall, as it provided me 5-10 minutes of quiet reflection in an otherwise chaotic public washroom.
Also, it was cleaner, gave me plenty of legroom, and had 2 coat-hooks. The Handicapped Stall is the Lexus of turletts, my friends, and this woman is treating my baby like it was a Hertz Rent-a-Car. If you have any suggestions for me, please leave them for me in the comments section. (and save any suggesstions to "grow up"; I've got enough of those to start a new blog)

And as always, have a great long weekend!! I'll see you all back here on Monday or Tuesday (I haven't decided yet).Also, go out and see Hot Fuzz this weekend! It fucking rolls it!!

America's Next Top Tranny - The Winner!!

Congratulations go out to Cha-Cha Tranny Jaslene! Good for you! You won ANTM Cycle 8!! Fantastic! Jaslene, I have a little advice for you:
-save your money
-take all the freebies you can get your skinny claws on
-pick up some applications for H&M and Forever 21 on the way home from The CW Studios tomorrow. You're gonna need a back-up plan.
And there you have it! Renee goes back to her sad life in Hawaii and Natasha goes back to her Meal Ticket (aka The Guy Who Bought Her At www.russianlovebrides.com)
And Tyra goes back to her wigmaster for a second fitting on her newest piece. Everybody wins!

What ever happened to the other kids from Full House?

Full House is an anomole for life. Now, I don't know what that means, but I do know that I watch Full House every single day at 7pm. And we all know what happened to the cast after the show ended (Stephanie = Meth, Olsen Twins = Anorexia, John Stamos = whoah baby!) But do you ever sit back and go "whatever happened to that faggy blonde kid who stole the part of Yankee Doodle from Michelle in the school play?" or "I bet Teddy has a sex tape". Well, maybe I'm the only one. Wait, no; I know my roomate Jenn would care too. This one's for you, Stank-Town!!

(all images borrowed from OH NO THEY DIDN'T!)

Let's start out with Michelle's rival, Derek. What a little turdlinger, non?And how did Derek turn out? Pulitzer Prize-winning Author? Intern surgeon at Cedars Sinai in LA? Mmm, not really.Yeah, Blake McIver Ewing is less 'nerd', more 'turd'. Nothing says unfortunate awkward years like homo-goth raver. And, of course, he is apparently still into acting and singing (aka Broadway songs into his hairbrush) Can you not imagine him right now in that Uncle Sam costume singing in the most Musical-Theatre voice "I'm a YAN-kee-DOO-dalll DAAAAN-deeeee...YAN-kee-DOO-dle to the ENNNNNND, YAN-kee-DOO-dalll wentootown, RIII-dang on a POE-NEEEE!"
If you care, here's Derek's Myspace.

On to Teddy. When Miller-Boyett discovered that as Michelle got older she got a lot less cute. They couldn't hide her bad acting behind cuteness anymore, so they bought Michelle some cute friends and, ta-da! On with the show!But what's up with Teddy now? Well, he was on The Suite Life with Zack and Cody a while back (uh...not that I watch that show...) and Tahj Mowry wasn't bad!Don't get me wrong, buddy is aping Bow Wow like crazy. Why do guys want to look like this? They're all joo-reed up and matchy-matchy with their clothes. It's like someone's Mom dressed them. Also, Tahj knows how to get back in the spotlight; sex tape. Works like a charm. Ask Dave Coulier.
If you care, here's Tamera Mowry's Myspace. I couldn't find Tahj's.

And who could forget Michelle's other black friend, Denise? I, for one, could. Homegirl was annoying....and her name was Jurnee. Gawd, lame. But you know I'm gonna eat my words when you see Denise now:She is so pretty!! I would kill for those eyebrows (I'm sure i'm not the only one...Blake McIver Ewing)
If you care, here's Denise's Myspace.

Nicky and Alex. Twin boys who looked like twin girls. I enjoyed Nicky and Alex because they took air time away from the Comedy stylings of Joey Gladstone and Comet, the most annoying dog in the world. I prayed nightly that they wouldn't grow up to look like Haley Joel Osment, because that is a fear of most people watching children grow up. And praise Jebus, they are normal! Yeah, I don't know if this is Nicky or Alex, but really - they're twins. You get the idea. If the other twin was a goth freak or a woman now, don't you think I'd search for hours for photographic evidence?
I couldn't find a Myspace. I think they may be Mormons or something.

My least favorite of Michelle's friends (shit, she had a lot of "friends") was Aaron. That kid was such a dick! I swear to god, if I was Uncle Jesse, I would have hit that kid everytime he made fun of me for being unemployed. Ew, just looking at him made me want to punchasize his face.I honestly didn't think this kid was going to make it to 13. But, what do I know? Looks like he had some protective big brothers, cause Miko Hughes is still alive (wtf? His name is Miko?!?)Aw, what a cutie! He was a cute asshole 5 year old and now he's a cute 19 year old who shook allthat asshole-dom. Good for him. He's actually worked a tonne after Full House, which is good. Cause Full House was like career suicide; a steady paycheque for 8 years, and only 8 years.

I don't have a picture of the last Full House kid when he was little, but seriously. This guy hasn't aged a bit. He still looks like an 8 year old (but I think that's because of a degenerative aging disorder). He was in Stephanie's class and his name was Walter. He was basically the Aaron Bailey of Stephanie's class.Well, his name is Whitby Hertford and he scares me. A lot. I actually can't look into his eyes because I get the creeps. However, I will give mad props to whoever can name the short-lived HBO sketch comedy show he appeared in a fake-commercial for.
This guy definately doesn't have a Myspace. Thank god.

What your favorite dog says about you

They say you can tell alot about a person by the kind of dog they own. For example, if you own a cat, you're a douche. But I digress. Let's take a look at what your favorite breed of dog says about you.

A Border Collie says you are energetic, happy, scrappy, and love to bully sheep around. Also, from what I learned from 'Babe', Border Collies are talking dogs (which is a good skill to have if you are a dog).

It has been proven that one of the smartest dogs is the Golden Lab, whereas one of the stupidest breeds is the Golden Retriever. You like this dog because
a) you are stupid, too
b) you are really obsessed with 1994
c) you have a morbid obsession with the Air Bud movies

You like huskies because you are an Eskimo. Excuse me, Inuit. Actually, can we not all agree that these dogs are super-cute and mega-hard working? This is the perfect dog. Oh, except the fact that they shed as if they hated you.

Poodles say one of two things:
1) "My dog is a homo, and I don't give a shit what you think about it. I'm here, my dog's queer, get used to it"
2) "I am a professional woman who works on Wall Street and I bust balls like nobody's business. I work 14 hours a day and wear Bill Blass power suits. Also, it's 1981"

Pugs are so awesome; they are the old Italian man of the dog world. Look into this dog's eyes and tell me you don't hear him going "eh Guisseppe! Wassamattawitu?!? You say you gonna pick uppa the couch on Tuesday, and it Friday! Whereayou head at?!? Mamma mia...what you say to me?!? Eh, stugatz to you, Mangiacake!!"

You like Collies because you are secretly very afraid of falling down the old town well.

The Pit Bull (aka Land Shark aka Poppa's Lil' Killer) is one of the deadliest breeds of dogs. The kind of person who buys a Pit Bull is also the kind of guy who's done time for a DUI and wears dirty sweatpants all day long. He also names his dog something really awkward and stupid like "D'ese Nuts" or "Shitstain".

Chihuahuas are like Crystal Meth; you think it's so awesome for like, 4 months, then you find poo stains EVERYWHERE and it gets really annoying and you hear barking all the time, even in your sleep and when you close your eyes you see those weird bug-eyes staring right back at you and then you open your eyes AND IT'S LOOKING AT YOU.
By the way kids, don't smoke Crystal Meth.

Shi-Tzu's are only good for one thing: making shit jokes. Otherwise they are pretty lame. Shi-Tzus are the cat of the dog world. Wait, I take it back. That insults cats.

People who are into Mutts are pretty cool people. They can appreciate that purebreeds are basically crosseyed inbred cousins. Have you ever seen a messed-up Mutt? I didn't think so. Mutts are always fast runners, find stuff quickly, and eat their dog food as if you are never going to feed them again (they get so growly!). Anyways, the pound is the best place to get a dog because it comes with a guarantee to love you forever. The minute it starts to act aloof, pretend you are going to take it back to the pound. That dog will be all over you like white on rice.

People who are into fat dogs are usually fat themselves. They like a fat dog because it's like looking into a mirror! A big, fat, furry mirror of sadness.

The kind of people who...wait a second, that's not a dog. That's a fox! Put up another picture of a dog.

That's not a dog, that's a raccoon.

That's a picture of a hotdog.

That's a dog dressed up as a hotdog.

Shit, come on! That's an Ewok!

Ew, that's definately a dog. But it's also the grossest dog I've ever seen. It looks like the Cryptkeeper. This dog definately has an owner, cause it's pimped out all the time, but aside from making money off this little freak, do you think he actually loves this dog? I would be scared to sleep at night knowing that fucking Pet Semetary was beside my bed waiting for me to drop my guard.

Sorry, No Post Today :(

Sorry guys, but I'm a little under the weather and I have a load of work to do at work (yes, I have a job. Believe it). But anyways, you know what to do while I'm gone:
-submit your embarrassing stories to the Skip-Raid Traumarama Contest (skipraid@gmail.com)
-jump
-wave
-jump & wave (that one's for Crystal M)
-have a great day!

Saved By The Bell - who's life is the biggest train wreck?

There are few television shows where the cast's individual successes are so varied and diverse. Some shows end and all the stars go on to bigger and better things, like Seinfeld (Jerry = millionaire, Elaine = Emmy Awards, George = has a cute family, Puddy = voices Disney shows, J.Peterman = Dancing With The Stars, Kramer = um...well, we all can't be winners) or other shows where all the stars fade into obscurity, like Full House (Danny = standup?, Joey = Social Assistance, DJ = wife, Stephanie = meth-wife, The Olsens = weird grandmas, Comet = Dog Food).
But Saved By The Bell's cast is all over the place in terms of success and failure. Let's check out who's doing well, who's not doing so well, and who should have invested their SBTB paycheques a little wiser.

DOING WELL

Mario Lopez / AC SlaterDid you WATCH Dancing With The Stars? Seriously, somebody better turn up the "AC" because Mario Lopez was on FIRE! (Whatever, you would have used that joke too had you thought of it). There is a reason AC stands for Absolutely Charming. Right now, Slater is dating his Dancing With The Stars partner (aww, so cute) and not much else. But he is a pretty hot guy and he just keeps getting hotter, so he will find work soon. Probably on Extra! as a field correspondant at the Latin Grammys.

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen / Kelly KapowskiI bet you didn't think Kelly Kapowski could shake off that character after she left SBTB, did you? Then she did a little show called 90210 and became Valerie Malone and everybody was like "Kelly who?". Here is a little known fact; Tiffani Thiessen's boyfriend killed himself in 1999. Here's a question for the guys; if you were dating Kelly Kapowski, would YOU kill youself? I didn't think so. So, Kelly did a bunch of shows after 90210, like Fastlane (which was a blatant Fast & The Furious rip-off) and right now she is on What About Brian. I haven't seen this show, but I do know that one of the Camdens is on it and I didn't like 7th Heaven, so I am jumping to conclusions and saying What About Brian probably sucks. If it gets cancelled, I don't think we have to worry about Kelly finding another job - the girl doesn't age. She'll be fine. Who would have thought that of all the other 90210 alumni, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen would be the most successful. Baffling.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar / Zack MorrisThat hair, those eyes, that unpronouncable last name. Zack HAD to do well - I wouldn't let him fail me. He was just too good looking and funny to go the way of Screech (who we will get to later). He did pretty well on NYPD-Blue (he was on it for 5 seasons) and then went on to Geena Davis' Commander in Chief (which didn't do so well). But it's okay, cause he seems like he probably didn't go buck wild with his SBTB dollars, and he has 2 little kids, so I think he'll be alright. And if not, he can just "Zack Morris Time-Out" and solve all his problems. That's what I always do. Then again, I talk to a sock puppet when I need advice.

DOING OKAY (aka ON WATCH)

Lark Voorhies / Lisa TurtleI always thought that by side-stepping Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Lark was dodging a career-bullet and would go on to bigger and better things. Well, 'bigger' meant Days Of Our Lives, and 'better' meant a role in the Redman/Method Man opus How High. And then, like a fart in the wind, she vanished without a trace. Currently, she is suing the National Enquirer over a story that suggested she had a drug problem. HELLO!! If I was a has-been, I would kill for a mention in the Enquirer. Have you not heard the term 'all publicity is good publicity'? Cause you know what? It's true. I'd let people believe I eat cat-meat sandwiches and wear shoes on my hands if it means people are still talking about "the snobby black girl who dated Jessie's delinquent brother from NY".

Dennis Haskins / Mr. BeldingApparently, Dennis Haskins has trouble getting parts that aren't "Mr. Belding"-types and he doesn't like this. He has also gained a considerable ammount of weight and grew a moustache to seperate himself from the character. Um, Dennis? Maybe if you didn't want to nail your own Mr. Belding coffin shut, you shouldn't have agreed to do SBTB: Vegas Wedding, SBTB: The College Years, SBTB: The New Class, SBTB: Hawaiian Style, SBTB: Zombie Island, SBTB: Screech vs. Urkel, etc.

Elizabeth Berkley / Jessie SpanoYou know what sucks? When boring people want to quote SBTB and they reference the episode where Jessie takes caffeine pills and goes "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!". You know what's great? Ask them why Jessie was singing "I'm so excited" and watch them go "uh....because....she..uh....". That's what I thought. It's because she was studying for SAT's and singing lead for The Hot Sundaes, assnut. Anyways, Elizabeth Berkley really won't ever go anywhere with her career. Why? One word: SHOWGIRLS. If you haven't seen Showgirls, you aren't missing a thing. You know how people are like "It's so bad, it's good!"? Yeah, you know what? I watched about 20 minutes of it hoping for some hilarious Jessie Spano moments and laughing my ass off, and it was boring and lame and weird beyond weird. Jessie Spano, bad move, If you wanted to ditch the good-girl character, cultivate a cocaine habit. It worked for Lindsay Lohan (she has such a sad life now, doesn't she. Poor kid)

DOING TIME AT THE LOCAL MEN'S SHELTER

Dustin Diamond / Samuel 'Screech' PowersScreech, Screech, Screech. Jesus Christ, you are the epitome of Train Wreck. I honestly didn't think that he could get any lower than when he boxed Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing Vendetta or whatever the hell it was called. And then he had to sell his shit on Ebay cause he was getting kicked out of his house/the motel he was living in/his mom's basement. Then he releases a sex tape that involved him wiping the poop under a girl's nose. Then, it turns out the sex tape was a fake and stuff. Now he's back in Desperation Station searching for work/money. Even Jaleel White/Urkel isn't sucking this much at life, and he was first on my list of people to become public jokes. Dustin, seriously buddy, you should move to a country where they never got SBTB and see if you can live a normal life. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I imagine that Dustin Diamond gets made fun of reletnlessly on a daily basis. He can't tell me that when he goes to the grocery store, the cart boys and the cashiers aren't laughing their assess off and asking him where his robot, Kevin, is or if Mr. Belding gave him a ride to the store, or if he will be using food stamps to pay for his purchases.

Ed Alonzo / Max from The MaxDid Max not give you the heebie-jeebies? Maybe I am the only one who gets really creeped out when magicians come up to me and are like "do you need a hanky?" and then I'm like "no, I use Kleenexes..." and then the magician will be like "...cause I have a hanky right here!!" and then they start pulling out that long, never ending colourful scarf, and you're left standing there looking like an idiot without an escape plan. Well, after SBTB, Max decided to pack things in and sell The Max to someone else who ran it into the ground along with SBTB: The New Class. But what's Max doing now? We'll, it seems he is still a practicing magician at, get this, Knott's Berry Farm in California. I did a little research and Knott's is aparently "America's Number 1 Theme Park". Not so fast, Knott's Berry Farm...you ever heard of a little place called Cedar Point in Sandusky Ohio? That's right, eat it. But yeah, Max is a magician who walks around the park asking if people need a hanky and when The Zack Attack will be playing. Imagine running into him? I wonder how many people ask him to "do Max"? He probably goes "Hey guys, I'm Ed Alonzo! I left Max back in 1992...along with most of my hair!!" and then points to his receding hairline. Then, while the crowd is laughing, he turns away from them and goes "one day, Max, one day..." and then does the Office Space machine-gun-hands thing (you know, where Peter is in Tchotchkies and he goes 'g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g' and pretends he's taking out the office?)

Your yourself Engrish! Make!

Oh sweet Jesus, did I ever stumble upon a gem!! Okay, go to Babel Fish and type in anything you want. The hit the 'English to Japanese' translation on the pull-down. It will come out as jibberish squares, but highlight them and hit 'Japanese to English' translation on the pull-down. And then sit back and LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF at the Engrish you have just made! My title above was typed in as "Make your own Engrish" and that's what came out!
For example...

English:
Christ, I would kill for some Quiznos right now. Those sandwiches are so good.
Engrish:
Christ, I now kill because of Quiznos. Those sandwiches are good very.

English:
Hey, did you hear? Paris Hilton might not end up serving her 45 days in jail!
Engrish:
Just a little, you heard? Perhaps Paris Hilton you do not finish the part stand of 45 days of jail in her!

English:
My ass is itchy. I shouldn't have registered a patent for wool thongs.
Engrish:
Me it is slow, it is itchy. I should not register the patent for the skin string of the wool.

English:
My Grandparents are the best! They went to Mexico and brought me back a bottle of tequila so strong, it could make a frat-boy go blind!
Engrish:
My grandparents are best! They went to Mexico, the tequila are to extend carried back in me and therefore it forces blind to make the frat boy!

English:
"Waiter, I'll have a beer for me and a roofie-colada for the lady!"
Engrish:
"The waiter, there is beer because of me, and roofie-colada for the woman in me!"

So try it yourself! Hell, why not try another language. I bet Russian is a blast! Try that one!!
*note: The above image is not meant in anyway to be racist. The "Wing" episode of South Park was really, really, goddamnned funny. Also, English-to-Japanese-to-English translations are also really really funny.

Don't forget to enter The Skip-Raid's 1st Ever Trauma-Ramas Contest this weekend!

It's not too late to submit your stories for The Skip-Raid 1st ever Embarrassing Stories Contest. GET YOUR STORIES IN NOW!!
Click here for all the details on rules and such. And as always, you can just mail your stories to skipraid@gmail.com
Alright, peace out kids! Have a great weekend!!

*Photo lovingly borrowed from Michael K @ Dlisted

Happy Mudders Day!

This weekend is Mother's Day, so I hope you all have something planned (and if not, you can thank me for reminding you that it's this weekend). My plans involve a 4-hour Greyound ride up north and 'skeeters (what Rednecks call mosquitos).
You know who's really going to appreciate this Mother's Day? The Mom who has been working overtime the past few weeks? The Mom who could really use some time off? Like, let's say...45 days?
Here's my Mother's Day Message for Kathy Hilton. Kathy, Kathy, Kathy. Girl, I don't know much about raising kids, but I do know the Do's and Do-Not-Do's of child rearing.
Do - give your child freedom
Do-Not-Do - teach your kid it's okay to be a big-time slut
Do - know that sometimes kids are going to screw up
Do-Not-Do - spend $150,000 on a Bentley and $0 on underpants
Kathy, if I ever, EVER, drove drunk and then kept driving on a suspended licence, my Mom would whip my ass and burn my clothes and sell my joo-rey. What do you do? Try to buy her way out of prison. Tsk tsk tsk, that's not good. I hate to be the one to say this to you, but Paris is screwed. It's true, Vegas bookies have her at 4:1 odds that she'll be beaten to death in prison. But you know what those odds are if she DOESN'T serve time? I'm no good at math, but I'm pretty sure we're talking about an angry mob with pitchforks and flaming torches and a village square.

So Kathy Hilton, it's time to take responsibility and throw your brat in prison. Seriously. If not to teach her a lesson, then at least to slow down the sky-high STD "new infected male" rates in LA.

America's Next Top Tranny - Week 11

Well well well. Just like she escaped the iron grip of the USSR's communist claws, Natasha escaped elimination last night on America's Next Top Model. And urrbody's favorite Ghetto Girl Dionne was kicked oot. I can't believe it. Hello, did you SEE her pictures last night?!?It was like watching a hostage recite a note from their captor! So awful.
But on to more important things; did you see when Natasha went to hug Dionne after she found out she was still in the game, and Dionne just stood there and didn't hug her back?!? BITCH WAS COLD! It was one of Ghetto Girl's finer moments. Farewell Dionne; ANTM will miss your ghetto sensibility and genteel hoodrat-ness. Peace out, B.

And the winner this week of everything (the challenge, the photoshoot, the hilarious award) is Renee. Sheesh, she might win. So here is what we know about Renee so far:
-She was abused as a kid
-Her mom raised her and her 4 sisters
-She is has a little boy
-Her life is the pitts and that's why she wants to be America's Next Top Model
I really, REALLY hate to be the one to say this, but Renee: if you want to make your family proud of you, go to ITT Tech or CDI College or something. I now life sucks, but spending 12 weeks on a reality show (Cycle 8 of said reality show, natch) and then dissapearing into obscurity isn't really something your family will be bragging about when you are begging the shift manager at WalMart not to fire you for stealing women's underwear and greeting cards. But let's just live in the now, shall we? Renee actually looked like she was having a good time when she was dancing around like a damn fool with the natives. Good for her! I would have taken the Dionne road; no more damn dancing for me.

Ah, Cha Cha Diva. I can't quite put my finger on it, but Jaslene reminds me of someone. Can't quite put my finger on it...wait a second...