If I ran PitchforkMedia.com

(Click to make big)

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm taking a brief holiday, so no post on Monday. See you Tuesday!

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 5

Well well well, where do I start? CNTM is just running out of episode ideas, aren't they? Imagine explaining this week's episode to someone who woke up out of a coma?
You: Okay, so all 6 girls start out at the gym and they work out in a spinning class. Then they go to pole-dancing class and make up a routine that they preform for the other girls. Then three of them get to go to the spa and get manicures and pedicures. Then they go to the photoshoot where they jump on trampolines.
Coma Person: Wow, really? You watched that for 60 minutes? Good night. (falls back into coma)

For serious. You know you are watching a crap-budget show when they spend a good 19 minutes filming a spinning class and 8 whole minutes filming the conversation between Cori and Tara. Wasn't that agonizing? Besides, remember when ANTM would do really cool and original photoshoots? Now they have resulted to aping Lacoste ad campaigns.

You know what else I can't get over? That if I had bet against Cori this week, I would have lost a lot of money, my friends. Because instead of getting voted back to working the Drop Zone at Six Flags, she won this week! I know, right?She has a titch of the Monkey Face, but overall, this shot is so good! WTF?! I LOVED this week when Tara was like "I don't like Cori because she has a foul mouth" and then they showed a tonne of clips showing her swearing her face off? Tara, you straight trippin, boo. Cori's foul mouth is her only saving grace; she is so little and cute and fragile and then she's like "I bet them judges are s***** themselves right now! F***, am I ever hungry!" So, in short, last week I would have been satisfied if Gina AND Cori went home, but this week I guess I am glad she stayed. She is boring as hell, but she does take a good shot.
Now for the rest. Yarp. That's all I have to say.
Mo - RIP
My girl got sent home this week, and I think it was totally unfair. Tara is a stupid hobag and needs to go back to her blind mama and take care of her ugly-ass weave. There! I said it!!

Rebecca
Holy shit, she sure did look like Harland Williams at that pole-dancing class, but Sweet Baby Jesus, can she take a good shot or what? Cripes, this is amazing! She will definately have a career after CNTM...at the Hot Dog Factory. I kid! I kid! She will get work in the modeling world. Bluenotes is work, right?

Tara
An open message to Tara from me:
Go home! Nobody likes you! Your Maxim Caddy BFF is gone, and it's time you followed suit. Seriously, take a good look at this shot and tell me it looks better than Mo's. Do it. I dare you.
Love
The Mayor

Sinead
If talking about CNTM didn't put coma-person back to sleep, then this picture sure will. Sinead, you are Nytol. You are dark turkey meat and a box of red wine.

Tia
Okay, a long time ago my friend Spencer told me about some friends he had since he was little and they had this dog named Tia, and when Tia would lay on her back to get her belly scratched she (like most dogs) would open her legs (this isn't the dog trying to be gross, it is a sign that the dog trusts you). Anyways, whenever the dog would do this, both the boys would go "Ewww! Tia-taco!!"
So here is a shot of Tia-taco where it looks like she is a Hilary Swank shrunken-head doll.

And that's it for this week. You know what that means...
(cue Europe's The Final Countdown)
5 Left! Who will be packing up their water dish and kibble next week? Tara? Sinead? Tara? Tara? See you all next week!

What ever happened to?...O-Town edition!

If you were anything like me back in 2000, you spent every Friday night glued to Making The Band. Yeah, I was a big-time loser, so what? Don't tell me you didn't watch at least one episode. That shit was hot! Anyways, in case you didn't, Making The Band capitolized on the then-new idea of Reality Television by having pretty boys compete for a spot in a potentially World-consuming boyband like NSYNC (awesome), The Backstreet Boys (horrible), 98 Degrees (horrible-er), or Soul Decision (shit-blisteringly horrible). It was created by the boyband ringleader Lou "I stole ya money and ran off to Thailand" Pearlman.He is also the mastermind behind The Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. Jesus, did anyone do a background check on this guy before throwing a TV series at him? Something tells me he is pretty familiar with the term "illegal possession of child pornography". I digress. I really hated boybands in general back in the day, but for some reason I could not tear my ass away from the TV when Making The Band was on. But what the hell happened to them? They could all sing and they were good dancers. Hell, you hear the song All or Nothing about a million times in any show about people with dreams (American Idol, America's Got Talent, America's Greatest Inventor, etc) and Liquid Dreams was...well...it was a pretty bad song. But All or Nothing was a good song! Let's see what these J-14 coverboys are doing 7 years later.

Ashley Parker Angel
Okay, so he is by-far the most successful. Not too long ago he had a show on MTV called There and Back which people actually WATCHED and LIKED. Holy shit, I know. He worked his ass off for a solo career, but settled instead for a wife and a son (named Lyric...meh). But, here's the shocker, he is actually on Broadway playing Link Larkin in Hairspray. And people actually think he's g-g-g-good! I know, what the hell? Aw cripes, I'm happy for him.

Erik-Michael Estrada
Sorry buddy, but you'll never be my favourite Erik Estrada.

Dan Miller
Ew! Dan was so uggers!! So, like everyother washed-up has-been he's been working on a "solo album" (aka Taco Bell). Here is what his Myspace page had to say about his newest CD:
The 5 song CD is an impressive solo debut that puts to rest any pre-conceived notions. This piano driven, playful romp of a rock record showcases the full depth of Dans talents.
Um, yeah. So this album will put to rest the theory that he is a huge turd? 5 songs, eh? That's all you could do in 7 years, 5 songs? Wow. Taco Bell must have you working a lot of overtime.

Trevor Penick
Ahahaha, you have to check out this guy's Myspace. He apparently changed his name to Tre Scott and has a cameo in the movie Bro'mosapien. Cameo? More like brother was an Extra (he did it for the craft truck).

Jacob Underwood
Oookaye, so Jacob now has a band called Jacob's Loc (?) and this is what he looks like now:Sick! I bet those dreds smell like farts! Okay, so I hit up their Myspace and they are "country-alt-rock" with song titles like "Whiskey Drinkin'" and "Drunk Dialin'". What does this guy have against G's? Also, doesn't he look sort of like Hyde?

Ikaika Kahoano
My personal favorite was Ikaika, who's big fat Hawaiian dad made him leave the show. Why? Fuck, I can't remember. But do you know what I DO remember? That he started his own band with the O-Town never-was'es called LMNT. Get it? Element? I used to get them mixed-up and call them TMNT. Crap, with a little research I just found out that their name was chosen by Teen People readers. Wow, no wonder it sucked. They were named by 14 year olds. I also just YouTubed LMNT and the video for their crappy song Hey Juliet popped up. You know, the one where they are in a landromat doing their landry? Yeah, me neither.

So there you have it - O-Town. What legends are made of. If you have some extra time on your hands, hit up www.yellowpages.com and prank call some of these douches. Something tells me they would be more than happy to talk to you (you know, it gets lonely when you sit at home all day watching Maury).

...like school in July.

No Class.
That's right, everybody's favorite piece of shit in outta jail. Hooray! Let's celebrate by pooling our money and hiring a sharp-shooter. Kidding!! Anyways, anybody want to start taking bets to see what happens Paris does next?
- Devotes life to Jesus, begins reading to blind children
- Ventures to Cambodia to help children, adopts one
- Gets her skank ass to Les Deux, drinks like there is no tomorrow, and flashes the vajayjay
(My money is on the last one)

Ginger Tuesdays

You know Ginger Tuesdays have gotten bad when I am racking my brains to find a new Ginger that isn't Ronald McDonald. I was like "I won't do it; I won't do a clown, it's too goddamned easy. Pull yourself together! It's not the end of the world!" The I laid on my back and fired my gun violently into the air several time and let out an aggressive YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHH. (I clearly went and saw Hot Fuzz again this weekend). Then it hit me - I don't have to do Ronald. He's not even a real Ginger - he's just a dude with a red wig. The Hamburglar, however...Name: Charles "The Hamburglar" Goldstein
Birthdate: Sometime in the weird-ass 70's
Occupation: criminal
Arrest Record: Petty theft under $100, aggravated assault, indecent exposure to Fry Kids, arson to a public office (the office of Mayor McCheese at Town Hall).
The Hamburglar is to Gingers what a white kid pulling laterally at his eyelids and saying "ching chang chong" is to the Chinese (ie - their most offensive stereotype). Let's take a look at all the little offensive bits that make up one large stereotype:
- He's a criminal who not only robs people blind, but has also reecntly broken out of jail
- He wears a perscription mask (everybody knows that Gingers have poor vision)
- One tooth (Ginger have notoriosly bad dental habits)
- Large hands (for grabbing money)
- Large nose (for smelling where money is)
- Black cape (Gingers are morbidly obsessed with Batman)
- Is only able to say rubble rubble (due to excessive inbreeding, Gingers have been forced to make up their own crude language)
One thing you may not have known is that in the 80's, the Hamburglar went through quite the transformation. Did you know he used to look like this?Wow, I feel bad just posting that. Imagine that breaking into your house at night and stealing all your hamburgers? I would shit a brick if that thing even approached me on the street! My biggest questions is - why is he a grey-haired old man? And why did they decide that making him a Ginegr would be less offensive? Who knows. I suppose it's better than the Hamburglar's brother, The Hammurderer:Stabble stabble.

Stupid Spoiled Whore MadLibs: Part 2

Yes! Here is our first MadLibs submission from Jenn L. It's pretty funny. Editors Note: I'm pretty sure that one word is supposed to be fellate.
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Mad Libs: Stupid Spoiled Whore edition

Okay, so my girl over at Gallery of the Absurd has posted a gorgeous rendition of Candy Spelling and a DIY MadLibs aimed at celebuskanks. At first I was like "ha-ha, I get it, le sigh". And then I downloaded the MadLibs form and have been playing with it all morning. I urge you to do the same (click to make big).Really, name a time when MadLibs wasn't cool. My sister and I used to do MadLibs all the time, until my Mom found out that for every noun we were putting in "piece of shit" and for every adjective we were putting in "huge". Also, she thought there was something deeply unsettling about two teenagers who still wrote MadLibs.
Feel free to fill out the form and send it in. My favorite will be put up for all to see (including ones that are hate mail disguised as MadLibs.)
*Also, a big Happy Birthday goes out to my little sister today who, despite being a miserabitch most of the time, is usually pretty cool. Peace out homie! When I get home, you're getting a big case of the Birthday Beats!

Tom Goes to the Mayor and my black eye

Okay, so here's a little known fact about me. I moonlight as a bartender, and this Saturday I was at work (as uzge) and a guy I work with asked if I ever watch Tom Goes to the Mayor. Well, durr of course. Its fucking hilarious. So I started thinking back and was quoting some episodes ("Gibbinns!"..."Gibbaaaaaaans!") and I started singing the Rick-a-dick-a-dick handshake song. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can watch it here. Anyways, I got about halfway through the song (somewhere around "ring-a-dingding ring-a-dingding") and I started laughing HYSTERICALLY. Cripes, its a funny handshake, give me a break. So yeah, I thought "you better gain composure; they're not paying you to do the TGTTM Handshake" and went to pick up a bottle from a lower shelf and BOOM - I smoked my face off the corner of the marble bar. I threw my hands up to check if my eye was still there (it was) and there was blood gushing through my fingers! It was like Carrie! I had cut a huge chunk out of my eye under my eyebrow and blood was dripping through my eyelashes. So the guy I was working with took me to the first aid in the kitchen and threw some antiseptic on that bad boy and got me some ice. So I got to go home early from work, but I have a seriously busted eye. Its pretty bruised and I can't think of a cool story. I think I might go with "someone smacked me in the face while playing Wii Sports" or something (cause then people will think I own a Wii).
PS - you can check out who saved my ass here. He is trying to win some money for something by having people vote for him or something. Clearly he owes some dangerous people a lot of money.

Anti-Lowbrow Week comes to a close.

I think this picture is the perfect way to end Anti-Lowbrow Week at The Skip-Raid:I honestly think I might regret saying this, but this picture of Lindsay Lohan is melting my horribly mean heart. Here she is on a day out from Promises or wherever the hell she is drying out. As much as I love making fun of her train wreck of a life, I am actually really happy that Rehab 2.0 is maybe going to change her this time. This is a different Lohan, people:
1. Smiling
2. Outside and awake before 3pm
3. With people who aren't Nicole Ritchie or Dina "Mumma Skag Bag" Lohan
4. Is that a little paunch I see? And thick thighs? Someone looks healthy again

This is all better than Rehab 1.0 Lohan which was:
1. Really skinny
2. Really trampy
3. Really high out of her fucking mind
4. Flashin' the bagina

So yeah, this picture actually put a smile on my face and made me go "Awww!" If you need to contact me this weekend, please call Whitby Psych at 1-800-crazy-ho.
Peace out! See you all Monday morning!!

Design 101: The London 2012 Olympics Logo

So my roomate, who is a great graphic designer, brought to my attention the London 2012 Olympic logo. Have you seen this? I am not kidding when I say someone paid a designer 8 million dollars for this. Was it 8 million? Yeah, something like that. Anyways, don't reach for your calendar in a panic; it's still 2007. We didn't wormhole into 1992. Most people are comparing it to a big pile of feces. I, on the other hand, think it was ripped off from a bunch of stuff. Let's see who should be filing copyright infringement papers with their lawyers, shall we?

PBS's Zoom
Oh man, PBS must be shitting a brick right now. That is basically the same goddamned logo! The slanty angles, the wacky colours, the annoying dorky kids who act out the lamest plays...oh, wait. That last one is all Zoom's.

Dippity-Do and LA Looks Hair Gel
There's no better memory I have from the early 90's than getting one of those Teen-Paks with Teen Spirit deodorant and stuff, and there would always be a giant tube of hair gel. And I had really manageable hair that didn't need gel, but I always used it on my bangs to push them up at the front. Sweet jesus, graphic designers, why would you want to remind everyone of their shitty, pre-teen hair?!?

Saved By The Bell opening theme
Know what I loved? That Dustin 'Screech' Diamond's shape in the opening credits was a diamond. Amazing. I also loved the shapes at the beginning: sneaker, surf board, sunglassess...ice cream cone, pink lawn flamingo? Oookayee. Anyways, take a look at the SBTB opening theme and tell me they didn't just take a bunch of shapes out of it and make a logo.

Barbie and the Rockers doll
Holy crap, this is just getting blatant.

Charms Blow-Pops commercial
Hit up YouTube and watch this classic commercial from the late 80's. It's supposed to look like kids are making the commercial, which kind of explains who actually made this logo: kids.

Blossom doll
I couldn't find a picture of Six from Blossom (she was always wearing clothes with overly-large bold prints). I could, however, find a picture of the Blossom doll, which is just as good. Remember when her brother was an alcoholic? Shit, is that show on DVD yet?

New Kids on the Block
Nothing represents the early 90's aesthetic more than New Kids on the Block. And while I did have literally hundreds of pictures of the most handsome boys on the planet, I decided to use this picture from a NKOTB comic. Holy crap, girl comics are so boring. Check out the blonde girl in the bottom corner. She's all like "sigh...I wish it was Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch".

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 4

Hey fellas! So, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is...
I didn't get to watch CNTM last night. Dinner ran late.
The good news is...
I'm gonna go ahead and critique these dogs anyway!
So, from what I have gathered, your homegirl and mine, vaGina got kicked out last night. Boo hoo hoo!Don't worry, Gina, ther's always Hooters.You like that Photoshop job? That's not even Photoshop. I'm kicking it old school - that's Microsoft Paint, bitches.
Now for the rest. I take it from last night that the photoshoot was some kind of image of a JetSet America lifestyle? Female spys? Just a bunch of random machinery with no theme? Yep, you got it.

Cori
1. Is this an ad for Urban Behaviour or Stitches?
2. Why the fuck is she so out of focus?!
3. Could they not have given us a two'fer last night and eliminated her too?

Mo
Okay, while Mo isn't my favourite model on the show, she sure is rocking that yellow. Damn you, Black People, and your ability to show off colour like nobody's business!! Seriously, I could never get away with that yellow. I would look like the anthropomorphization of Urine. This shot, however, looks so staged and crappy. Is this not what you thought you looked like when you played Supermodel in your bedroom? I'm sorry, you didn't play Supermodel? You missed out.

Rebecca
She's normally my girl, but Rebecca looks like a kid going to the prom in this shot. Actually, more like Bryce Dallas Howard going to the prom. Actually, no, more like Ron Howard's weird brother going to the prom. Rebecca has the potential to look totally weird like Karen Elson or Agyness Deyn. She should work the creepy scare-little-kids look. Right now she is coming off as the only redheaded Sears model.

Sinead
Snore.

Tara
Sweet Baby Jesus, when did this show lose ALL credibility?!? Cripes, I could take a better picture than this on the first take! Tara, step it up girl! You are sucking so damn hard, it is making it hard for me to want to keep your crazy ass in the house! Bitch is unstable, that's fer shur. So why are all her pictures so bland? We need another Jael! Ho, you can be CNTM's Jael! I know this guy who can hook me up with some meth. I'll bring the drugs, you bring the Dortios! Let's have a party full o' crazy!

Tia
Oh God, I know I'm gonna get shit for this...crap. I can't say it. I can't say that Tia looks like an Autistic child dressed up for her sister's wedding. I can't say that Tia looks like she can't form syllables into words and express how much she would rather be playing in the sandbox with Kitty-Cat. I just can't do it. It would be too mean if I said that Tia looks like she's lost in the supermarket and is wandering aimlessly through the cookie aisle because she is "hungee" and "wannsa snack". Oh shit, I just can't say that. Sorry guys.

So there you have it. This week's Dog Pound Round-Up. Only 6 left; who will it be next week? My money is on Cori or Tara. Aw shit, who am I kidding. Who gives an eff? They're all losers.

150th post - Vacay Pour Moi

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I honestly can't believe that The Skip-Raid has made it this far, and it's all thanks to you reading everyday. In honour of my 150th post, I am taking a much-needed vacation. So, today I suggest that you take a trip over to Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke and peruse his hilarious hatred of all things Great Dane-y. I myself will be spending this afternoon at my beloved's University graduation and then going to fan-say dinner.
Congratulations Chris and Beth who are done school for-ev-er (to be said in Sandlot way). Well...at least until September.
Peace!

Ginger Tuesdays

Hello All! So, today's Ginger was a tough tough choice. But I decided to bring it back to where it all started, South Park. The Ginger Kids episode has been done to death, so I am going to keep these short and sweet. Enjoi! Let me know if I missed anyone.

Kyle Broflovski
The OG (original ginger) of South Park elementary, Kyle takes a lot less heat for being a Ginger than for being Jewish. Maybe it's because he is a Daywalker, and not really a Ginger. Meh. Don't get me wrong, he's still "one of them".


Sheila Broflovski
Kyle's mom is the truest form of Ginger; straight-up bitch. Seriously, she is almost as annoying as Peggy Hill (but not quite). Sheila shit-disturbs everything around her, when really she should take a good look in a mirror and realize she is a Daywalker and should count her lucky stars that the townsfolk don't run her out of town. (Because she is a Ginger, not because she is Jewish. There is no connection between the two. Sheesh).

Scott Tenorman
Holy shit, Scott Tenorman is a dick. Dude sold his pubes to Cartman for $10, and in retaliation Cartman has his parents killed. Yeah, seemed fair to me, too. The thing I love most about Scott Tenorman is that they never go into him being a Ginger - it's like this unspoken thing. Or maybe it's just because Matt Stone and Trey Parker hadn't thought up Ginger Kids yet. I'm going to go with the second. Let's take a look over to the left at Cartman drinking Scott Tenorman's tears, shall we? God damn, that always kills me! Aahahahahaha!! What a horrible episode? Horribly funny, but horrible. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Gingers.


The Ginger Kids
Ew ew ew. Gingers are gross, even when animated. Look at those sick freckles! Matt Stone and Trey Parkey captured the essence of a Ginge perfectly. Know what I love? When Gingers are like "I have red hair!". Noo, you don't. Ariel, the Little Mermaid, has red hair. Ronald McDonald has red hair. Yours is weird and orange and definately not red in any way. And the freckles, my God, the freckles. I have this friend who has patches of Gingey freckles all over and they make her look like a weird reptile (obvs, Gingers aren't humans). And it grosses.me.out. So Erin, if you are reading - I am sending you a Gift Certificate for skin bleaching. Merry Ginge-mas.

Ginger Cartman
Ew, I don't know what it is about Cartman as a Ginger, but it is so gross!! I think it may be the Dorthy Hamill haircut or the fact that he is fat (ew, aren't fat gingers the worst?) While I laughed my ass of during the Ginger Kids episode, I also felt extreme fear. Because let it be known, my worst fear is to wake up a Ginger like Cartman did. I am dead serious.

Who Taught You Sex-Ed?

Good People
There has been a lot of speculation that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. Allow me to put your mind at ease; 8-year-old boy skeletons cannot have babies.
End of story.
Sincerely,
The Mayor

No More Poo

It has been brought to my attention that The Skip-Raid, while being very creative and downright hilarious, often has a core theme of "poo humour". But come on - poo jokes are very funny, am I right people? And, if you will read the comments section, I think I may have offended some of my readers with my Embarrasing Moment story. So, I declare this week to be No Lowbrow Week. That's right - no jokes for one whole week about the following things:
- Poo (whether fecal or Hilton in nature)
- Urine
- "Lady Bid'ness"
- Weiners and Balls
- Vajayjays
- Barf
- "Gagortions"
- STDs and the hilarious consequences thereof
So, there you have it. It's all class all the way this week. Let's get ready to get highbrow!! McSweeny's can eat my...um...shoe (?)
Eff dis, what the shit am I going to write about?!?!

Get Down on Father's Day

You know I don't normally post in the weekends, but tomorrow is Father's Day, and I want to wish everyone with a dad, who is a dad, who is a father figure to anyone, a very happy Father's Day. Treat your dad to something nice this weekend, like a hug or a beer. Big ups go out to my pops who has had to deal with my broke-ass for the past 2 decades. I love you Dad! Smell you later (next weekend).
Peace out, urrbods! Have a great weekend!

Teh Winner!!

Well, everyone, as per an astounding landslide vote, the award for "Most Embarrassing Story" of The Skip-Raid's Trauma-Rama contest goes to....Classic John Hughes Embarrassment!!
Congratulations go out to Christella Morris for sharing this most awkward of teen-traumas. 'Cause, let's face it: nose-bleeding all over a weener sucks, but you can laugh it off or never call him again. But starting your first day at a new High School as a Hanson-obsessed fan with no front teeth? That's harsh! Thanks for allowing us to laugh at you through your story, homegirl! Remember - that sucks, but at least you didn't nose-bleed all over a penis.

And I did promise an embarrassing story from myself. So, Christella, this one's for you!"I think I wet my bed"
Okay, so I was out drinking with my friends one night, and all of us were getting shit-faced. Like, I mean really really drunk. Okay, maybe just me. But long story short, I decided I wanted to go home and one of my friends was like "can I sleep at your house?" Hell, why not, so we walk to my house. Both of us crash in my bed, and are sleeping like Zombies. All of a sudden, I wake up really cold in my bed. Like, freezing. And that's when I notice that my sheets are super-damp. Like, soaked. I honestly froze and got so scared and was like "did I just wet my bed?!?" So I turn to my friend and he looks at me with this fake-ass "oh, yawn, I just woke up!" (he had clearly been awake for a while) and he goes "wow, did you hear it raining last night? It was pouring, and you left your window open and it all came in through your window and soaked into your bed...I have to use the bathroom". So I'm like "um, okay, it didn't rain last night..." and when he went to the bathroom, I felt the sheets where he was sleeping and it was SOAKING WET where he was sleeping. I knew I hadn't peed my bed!! HE WET MY BED!! The WORST part is that he wasn't even really drinking - I think he had like 2 beers. So he didn't pee my bed out of passed-out drunkeness - he peed my bed because he is a BEDWETTER!! And the worst part was the lame story he made up. He came back from the washroom (nice try, buddy; you already emptied your bladder in my sheets) and kept at the story. "Yeah, all the rain has dried up, but it was really raining, and that is why your bed is wet and smells bad, because city rain is so polluted". I honestly just sat there like "you fool...keep talking". So I was like "yeah, it's so weird that only your side of the bed got wet, and like, only near your crotch too! That's so weird!" He left so fast, I swear to god, he BOLTED out of my house. So yeah, I woke up in a bed full of pee-pee AND had to clean everything: sheets, duvet, matress cover. Dis-gus-ting.
The worst part was going to the laundry mat that day with pee-soaked bedsheets (that reeked, btw) and everyone doing their laundry was looking at me with these sad faces like "aw, you poor thing..."

Last Comic Standing!

Okay, so Last Comic Standing, Season 5 was on last night on NBC. Um, I think it's like some "around the world" shit, cause they came up to Montreal to look for comics. Anyways, watching the auditions was amazing, because there were all these comics that I have seen live before and watching their lame-ass sets get shut down were AMAZING. Ie: Perry Perlmutter and Lauri Elliot. I HATE those two! So unfunny! Anyways, I felt bad cause Ryan Belleville was also auditioning and didn't get to go to Hollywood (it's for the best - did you SEE the circles under his eyes? Bro, take care of that coke problem STAT). Also, my boyfriend Trevor Boris auditioned, but got marginal laughs (that's okay, I still love you). Let's cut to the chase - they needed to make room for your favorite and mine:Debra DiGiovanni and Gerry Dee!! Yess!!! You have no idea how happy it made me to see these two advance! If you watched last season, you know that Nikki Payne stole Gerry's ticket to Hollywood, and then got booted out of the Hollywood house ASAP. Let's hope these two can make it far, because let's face it - they are fucking HILARIOUS. I urge you to YouTube these two - they're no Russell Peters, but they still kill it.

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 3

I'm going to make this post short, because if you watched CNTM last night, you will know that it was BOOOOORING! Seriously, how could 8 ho's messing up lines for a Venus Razor commercial be boring? I was hoping for some laughs, but alas...none. So, the moral of the story is:
- Gina ALMOST got the boot (next week, next week)
- Tia is mad-dyslexic (suck it up, ho!)
- Tara won a diamond watch (diamond, diamondelle, zircon, it's all the same on CNTM)
and last but not least...
- Stef got kicked out
So yeah, that's really about it. Not much drama, not many laughs. Miss J was on, and even he couldn't save the show. Shame. Next week promises to be good though (apparently they have a party with some male models and one of the girls gets freaky and cheats on her boyfriend - SCANDAL).

First Edition Posters

First off, let me plug some new work of mine. Love in Toronto has kindly asked me to write a weekly piece for them, so have at it and enjoy. I am writing under a pseudonym, but it's pretty easy to figure out which one is me.
Okay, on to The Skip-Raid...
While perusing Google images this week, I found a really cool Scarface poster. This is exciting, because if I see one more black-and-white gangsta'd-up Scarface poster, I will go crazy. Literally. With a semi-automatic. But anyways, I digress (why do black guys love Scarface so much? Especially rappers. I don't understand - it's really not that great of a movie. Well, maybe except for the scene where Tony has his face in a huge pile of cocaine...that was pretty rad. Or Michelle Pfeiffer - I WISH I looked like her in that whole movie. Okay, maybe it is a pretty cool movie).
So yeah, I decided to go hunting for originals of movie posters and I uncovered some gems.

Scarface
Wowoweewa, look how much cooler the first one is!! He looks like such a bad-ass, unlike the second one where he looks like a mopey toddler. The first one says "drugs, guns, Miami, Latinos, white women, dead bodies, vendetta" while the second one says "no...I don't wanna do dat. I don't wike it".

Army of Darkness
Wow, this first one of Ash makes He-Man look like a toe-tapping bugermeister. Although it does make Ash look a tiny bit...um...how do I say this without offending anyone...a huge homo. He's all greased-up, his right arm is a giant phallice now. But it does make the movie look totally kick-ass. The second one, however, makes me want to marry Ash, and that's a good thing, since I think he'd make a great husband. Did I say 'husband'? I meant 'one night stand'.


Caddyshack
Seriously, was it a mandate to have tits in every comedy made in the 70's? Because it's impossible to watch a 30-year-old movie without seeing 70's boobs every 20 minutes. I get it, Caddyshack poster, there are tonnes of double-entendres in this movie. I know. I think this movie might have been one of the first times you would hear any kid go:
Boy 1: Let's sneak into Caddyshack! I hear it's got bewbs!
Boy 2: Who cares? It's got Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, AND Rodney Dangerfield!
Boy 1: To the Multiplex!!
I think I like the second poster better, only because of the giant gopher attacking the country club. Genius.

Ginger Tuesdays

For like, 4 weeks in a row, my mailbox has been bombarded with questions about who the next featured Ginger will be, and like, 9 times out of 10, they are asking for Daniel Cook. Okay, people, I got it. You want me to do a thing on Daniel Cook. Here you go.Name: Daniel Cook
Age: 10
From: Toronto? The pits of Ginger Hell? I don't know.
Why is he famous?: This is Daniel Cook

If you haven't ever watched This is Daniel Cook, then I suggest you do. It's on Treehouse TV pretty much all the goddammed time (that and Little Bear). The show is about Daniel Cook going around and doing different shit and throwing his unique brand of ADHD into the mix. The whole time acting like a litle snotty Ginger.Seriously, he really cannot focus on one thing at a time. So yeah, he'll go to the fire hall or go to a pig farm or make honey. That's really about it. Sometimes he is actually pretty funny - like the time he went to make a Christmas Yule Log with Susur Lee and berated him the whole time (pfft - looks good on him). But otherwise, he is a royal pain in the ass. ESPECIALLY when they pair him with the elderly. They are always trying to explain stuff to him, and he is wiggling and fidgeting and asking stupid questions like "where do hats come from?" or "do bees hire wedding planners?".
But like the sands through the hourglass, Daniel got too old to be cute and ventured straight into Annoying-town. And last year, he got REPLACED!Yep, by Emily Yeung. Little girl + asian = super cute. The diss heard round the world. So what's Daniel up to these days, besides staying out of the sun? Not too much. I perused the IMDB comment pages, and apparently, most people don't give two shits that he is 10. Here is what the majority of people think of Daniel Cook:
"They really should have done more editing on that because there was like 5 minutes of Daniel being really rude"
"I have 3 nephews his age and they're better behaved than he is on the show and one of them has ADHD"
"When Daniel cook comes on and I have to reach for the converter to turn the channel"
"I can't stand to watch Daniel Cook...I know he's just a kid but he gets under my nails"
"I haven't seen her, but she (Emily Yeung) has to be better than creepy Daniel Cook"
and my personal favorite:
"Daniel Cook is a Ginger, and there's no place in this world for Gingers"
Ah, a nerd after my own heart.
So YouTube Daniel Cook today and see what urrbody's talking about.Okay, seriously, how adorable is Emily Yeung?!? Now if they could only get her out of that terrible orange shirt.

My girl Debra D.G made it to Last Comic Standing!!

Ye-yeah! My girl Debra DiGiovanni is on Last Comic Standing. Not since Gerry Dee have I been so excited for a Toronto comedian. If you have never seen Debra's set, YouTube it. She is one of the only female comedians who I actualy have respect for (like Sarah Silverman and...um...yep, that's all) and mostly because she doesn't ever get into that whole "I'm a lady, I have my period, I love chocolate but it makes me fat, waaaa!!" Also, I'm pretty sure she's the only fat straight lady comic. Which is like saying "the only black Olympic skiier" or "the only straight male on So You Think You Can Dance".
So yeah, watch Debra this Wednesday at 9pm on NBC. Let's face it - what else are you doing Wednesday night? Going out drinking? Oh, I see. Sigh.

Muppet Babies: Where are they now?

Television gives us the chance to watch cute, adorable babies grow up into crazy adults, and I like that. I wouldn't want to live in a world where my knowledge of the Olsen Twins was limited to Full House. VH1 has done so many 'Where are they now?' shows that we know the current situations of like, the kid who played Tootie's first boyfriend on The Facts Of Life or the baby from Three Men and a Baby. Who cares about these "never-was'es" (hey, you have actually have been famous to be a "has-been"). Yet no one has done a show on the cutest babies of all, the Muppet Babies. Well, I did a little research, and I have a little information on what ever happend to the cutest damn babies/animals/freaks of nature this side of Nanny's Legs.

Baby Kermit
After 4 consecutive abusive relationships, Kermit left his last girlfriend, a badger, and has moved to Japan, where he became instantly popular since everyone in Japan looks the same (panda bears).

Baby Piggy (1980-2007)
Discovered by a modeling scout at 16, Piggy moved to LA where she invested in a set of breast implants and fell in love with a rich Texas oil tycoon. After his passing, she inherited almost $1 billion, but overdosed on TrimSpa before she could cash the cheque.

Baby Gonzo
Nothing could quench Gonzo's sexual appetite, and he was arrested for sex with a minor/sex with a chicken last year. He is currently serving 5-10 at the Mississipi Detention Centre.

Baby Fozzie
An aspiring stand-up comedian, Fozzie moved to New York where he worked the stand-up circut and actually was a contestant on NBC's Last Comic Standing, Season 1. Unfortunately, he was booed off stage for screaming racial slurs at two audience members heckling his set. Never has there been such blatant use of the word "squirel chucker".

Baby Rowlf
A piano prodigy from birth, Rowlf was quickly adopted by an shrewed agent and was pimped out excessively to television shows across the US. He emancipated himself from his agent at 13 and has been an alcoholic recluse ever since.

Baby Animal (1980-2004)
Always short on cash, Animal did short stints drumming for bands like Pantera and Cradle of Filth before near-overdosing on heroin. While in the hospital, he claimed to have found Jesus and promised to live life on the straight and narrow. While on his way to church, he was shot in the face by a former lover who claimed he owed her "thousands in child-support payments". After his death, it was discovered that he had fathered 19 children and left the mothers penniless.

Scooter
After spending most of his youth getting the shit kicked out of him for being a nerd, Scooter left school at 17 to pursue the development of an anti-cancer drug. At 18, he won the Nobel Prize for Science when it was discovered that his anti-cancer drug would actually cute 90% of rampant cancers. His newfound fame drove him to prostitutes, and he contracted HIV, HPV, and Genital Herpes. He now spends most of his time in his lab furiously trying to find a cure for his constant itching.

Skeeter
While he claims he has "always been a man trapped in a woman's body", Skeeter underwent gender-reassignment surgery in the late 90's and has lived as Skotter ever since. While he feels most of the Muppet Babies "just don't understand" his new self, he has taken solace in his ongoing friendship with Beaker and Dr. Honeydew.

Bunson Honeydew
While he has always been interested in the sciences, it was his true passion to find a cure for his lover's Vocal Immodulation Disorder. In early 2007, he managed to replace the reconnective tissue in his vocal cords and let him speak his first words: I love you.

Beaker
While he claims that the best day of his life was his Legal Union to Dr. Honeydew, he says that learning to speak for the first time is a close second. Being married to a doctor has allowed Beaker the financial freedom to start his pet grooming business in the Village called "Sassi-Petz". He shares a home in Grenwich Village with the Doctor and their son, Meep.

Toddler Janice
Spending most of her young life on the road has taken a toll on the once fresh-faced Janice. After her band opened for Motley Crue in 2005, she contracted Hepatits from Tommy Lee. When asked about her Hepatitis in a recent Interview article, she simply said "I'm fuckin' dying, man!"

OWNED!

Everyone who doesn't have to spend tonight in a cold jail cell please step forward.
...not so fast, Paris Hilton.
Bitch got owned today!! I look like Paris Hilton in that pic right now, except I am crying tears of happiness!! Thank you God, for putting this piece of trash back in the garbage can!
Can you not see Perez Hilton crying his stupid fat ass off right now?
"Ooh, who will I starfuck now?!? My only ticket to the D-list is going back to prison! Boo hoo hoo!!"

Ed. note - while laughing at Paris' embarrassment of a life, don't forget to vote for your favorite embarrassing story! See post below.

The Skip-Raid Trauma-Rama Finalists!

It's been a long and arduous task wading through your embarrassing stories, but I have narrowed it down to two of my favourite stories fit for our laughter and judgement. Thanks go out to our two finalists who have been brave enough to share their horrible, shameful secrets!
Now it's up to you (we're doing this American Idol styles). Vote for your favorite in the comments section or email skipraid@gmail.com
Now let's get ready to feel awkkkkwaaaardddd!!

Classic John Hughes Embarrassment
"I was in grade eleven, heading into grade twelve and finally convinced my Grandma to let me go to a public school for the first time in my life. I had done a lot of convincing that summer, and also convinced her that I would be plagued my entire adult life if I didn't get braces to fix my mangled mouth. So after a couple of consultations with the orthodontist, he informed us that the only conclusion to fixing my face was to remove my two front teeth and move every thing on the upper jaw inwards. At the same time, my favourite band (ed. note: Hanson) since I was about eleven years old had come to Canada to do a show in Toronto and I was dying to go as I'd never seen them before. The night before the concert, most of the northern US and southern Canada was engulfed in a total blackout. We were sure that it'd all be sorted out by morning, so we left early the next day to make our way to Toronto for the show.
I was beYOND excited to see this band, my life pretty much revolved around them growing up and it looked like it was going to be the best day of my life. The power was still fluctuating between off and on and the hotel was alright when we arrived that morning. We checked in and regrouped and were about to head to the venue when we made one last stop to the bands website to check for updates. We got the worst update you could imagine: CONCERT POSTPONED INDEFINITELY!
You would think the torture would end here, but no. The day after the concert crushing, I went home in total depression and made my way to the dentist to have my two front teeth pulled. On the operating chair I went into convulsions for about 2 hours and had to have a heart monitor put on me until the anxiety went away. After that, the dentist finished the procedure and sent me home. Home, to where my boyfriend of almost two years was waiting.
Doped up on T3's and some serious stress-related anxiety, I was ushered into my bedroom and he sat me down and told me that it was probably best if we didn't see each other anymore. He made his exit prompt and I sat there, in utter bewilderment that only a couple days before I still had hope, teeth and a boyfriend.
A week later I started a brand new school in grade 12 in which I didn't know anybody, and without my front teeth. I guess in this case, trauma was an understatement."

The Mayor sez: losing your teeth is one thing, but Hanson? Tough call.

WARNING! THIS NEXT STORY MAY BE TOO MATURE FOR ANYONE UNDER 18
Self-Strawberry Milkshake
"Since I turned thirty I've been a horny mess. I hooked up with a cutie bootycall, I call him D-cool, but he lamed himself out kinda quick. Then I thought I met my man... lets call him Dred (yes for his hair) tall dark & handsome. Met him on the movie set, he's a grip (lighting crew guy) everything outta this mf mouth was like: Yes, Yes, Yes... he was talking my language, I was feeling him! We were txt-ing eachother for weeks finally we linked up and (of course) I was on my period. To make matters worse, the fall chill is in the air & I've been getting random (bad) nosebleeds (i think because of the lack of humidity in the air- i'm not even picking boogers- i swear). Anywhoo I go over his apt and his place is soo cute. He's smoking, talking about everything under the sun & I'm like a bitch in heat (wow how the tables turn!) ha! So normally I'm "Miss not really in to giving head", but the freak in me comes out & starts kissing on this gigantic (ed. note - word that rhymes with "meenis"). Lawd, it was (ed. note - large). Before I know it, my nose started dripping murderous amounts of blood on Dreds piece - awwwe... supa embarrassed me. He's like "I'm sorry, i'm soo sorry!!" but I had a few nosebleeds recently, so I let him kno I didn't think it was his fault.. so whatever, it ruined the moment, but there's always next time, right! Right? Hell yeah & so nearly a week passes and we call another meet: same place, same time. Yup, you guessed it; another nosebleed."

The Mayor sez: bleeding all over someone during a beej? Ew, that one gave me the willies!

So get voting, readers! And remember - I'll be posting my horribly embarrassing story right before I post the winner!! And believe me - mine is pretty bad. And as always, have a great weekend! See you on Monday!

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 2

Okay, so first off I have to say DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT?!?! It was like watching an episode of The Best Years. Sinead gets all her hair cut off, you find out her sister had cancer, Steff hyperventillates when someone puts a squid on her arm, Sinead faints at the elimination, everyone hates Tara, Gina hates everyone. Oh my god, that was alot to take in. Finally, CNTM is upping the drama-rediculous plot twist quotient to be on par with ANTM. As well, my friend and fellow CNTM-obsessor Annie noticed that there was an unreasonable ammount of product placement in this week. Here are our favorites:
LG Phones: "I'm going to send a crisp, clear picture of the make-overs to Jay on this LG Chocolate phone!"
Ritz Chips: "Mmm I love Ritz chips! They are so delicious and they are baked not fried!"
Jello Pudding: "Mmm, pudding is my favorite! I just love Jello pudding!! I could eat the whole package! I can't even pick a favorite flavour cause all 4 are so yummy! Me and my siblings used to fight over Jello pudding at home! Yum yum yum!!"
CoverGirl: "Wow! A gift basket form covergirl!! I've always wanted one of these! Look at these beautiful colours and shades! This will totally match my skin tone perfectly!"

So, this week's winner of EVERYTHING (including my icy cold heart) is Sinead. Girl, I take back what I said about you last week - you are killing it! But ONLY because you look like one of my personal heros, Natalie Portman. And of course, every week has to have a loser, and this week newest addition to H&M's staff is JaquelineJaqueline
Meh. Didn't get to know her, don't really care. But I love this photo - dead in the eyes. Like a mannequin.

S