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Have a great weekend everyone! I'm taking a brief holiday, so no post on Monday. See you Tuesday!

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 5

Well well well, where do I start? CNTM is just running out of episode ideas, aren't they? Imagine explaining this week's episode to someone who woke up out of a coma?
You: Okay, so all 6 girls start out at the gym and they work out in a spinning class. Then they go to pole-dancing class and make up a routine that they preform for the other girls. Then three of them get to go to the spa and get manicures and pedicures. Then they go to the photoshoot where they jump on trampolines.
Coma Person: Wow, really? You watched that for 60 minutes? Good night. (falls back into coma)

For serious. You know you are watching a crap-budget show when they spend a good 19 minutes filming a spinning class and 8 whole minutes filming the conversation between Cori and Tara. Wasn't that agonizing? Besides, remember when ANTM would do really cool and original photoshoots? Now they have resulted to aping Lacoste ad campaigns.

You know what else I can't get over? That if I had bet against Cori this week, I would have lost a lot of money, my friends. Because instead of getting voted back to working the Drop Zone at Six Flags, she won this week! I know, right?She has a titch of the Monkey Face, but overall, this shot is so good! WTF?! I LOVED this week when Tara was like "I don't like Cori because she has a foul mouth" and then they showed a tonne of clips showing her swearing her face off? Tara, you straight trippin, boo. Cori's foul mouth is her only saving grace; she is so little and cute and fragile and then she's like "I bet them judges are s***** themselves right now! F***, am I ever hungry!" So, in short, last week I would have been satisfied if Gina AND Cori went home, but this week I guess I am glad she stayed. She is boring as hell, but she does take a good shot.
Now for the rest. Yarp. That's all I have to say.
Mo - RIP
My girl got sent home this week, and I think it was totally unfair. Tara is a stupid hobag and needs to go back to her blind mama and take care of her ugly-ass weave. There! I said it!!

Rebecca
Holy shit, she sure did look like Harland Williams at that pole-dancing class, but Sweet Baby Jesus, can she take a good shot or what? Cripes, this is amazing! She will definately have a career after CNTM...at the Hot Dog Factory. I kid! I kid! She will get work in the modeling world. Bluenotes is work, right?

Tara
An open message to Tara from me:
Go home! Nobody likes you! Your Maxim Caddy BFF is gone, and it's time you followed suit. Seriously, take a good look at this shot and tell me it looks better than Mo's. Do it. I dare you.
Love
The Mayor

Sinead
If talking about CNTM didn't put coma-person back to sleep, then this picture sure will. Sinead, you are Nytol. You are dark turkey meat and a box of red wine.

Tia
Okay, a long time ago my friend Spencer told me about some friends he had since he was little and they had this dog named Tia, and when Tia would lay on her back to get her belly scratched she (like most dogs) would open her legs (this isn't the dog trying to be gross, it is a sign that the dog trusts you). Anyways, whenever the dog would do this, both the boys would go "Ewww! Tia-taco!!"
So here is a shot of Tia-taco where it looks like she is a Hilary Swank shrunken-head doll.

And that's it for this week. You know what that means...
(cue Europe's The Final Countdown)
5 Left! Who will be packing up their water dish and kibble next week? Tara? Sinead? Tara? Tara? See you all next week!

What ever happened to?...O-Town edition!

If you were anything like me back in 2000, you spent every Friday night glued to Making The Band. Yeah, I was a big-time loser, so what? Don't tell me you didn't watch at least one episode. That shit was hot! Anyways, in case you didn't, Making The Band capitolized on the then-new idea of Reality Television by having pretty boys compete for a spot in a potentially World-consuming boyband like NSYNC (awesome), The Backstreet Boys (horrible), 98 Degrees (horrible-er), or Soul Decision (shit-blisteringly horrible). It was created by the boyband ringleader Lou "I stole ya money and ran off to Thailand" Pearlman.He is also the mastermind behind The Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. Jesus, did anyone do a background check on this guy before throwing a TV series at him? Something tells me he is pretty familiar with the term "illegal possession of child pornography". I digress. I really hated boybands in general back in the day, but for some reason I could not tear my ass away from the TV when Making The Band was on. But what the hell happened to them? They could all sing and they were good dancers. Hell, you hear the song All or Nothing about a million times in any show about people with dreams (American Idol, America's Got Talent, America's Greatest Inventor, etc) and Liquid Dreams was...well...it was a pretty bad song. But All or Nothing was a good song! Let's see what these J-14 coverboys are doing 7 years later.

Ashley Parker Angel
Okay, so he is by-far the most successful. Not too long ago he had a show on MTV called There and Back which people actually WATCHED and LIKED. Holy shit, I know. He worked his ass off for a solo career, but settled instead for a wife and a son (named Lyric...meh). But, here's the shocker, he is actually on Broadway playing Link Larkin in Hairspray. And people actually think he's g-g-g-good! I know, what the hell? Aw cripes, I'm happy for him.

Erik-Michael Estrada
Sorry buddy, but you'll never be my favourite Erik Estrada.

Dan Miller
Ew! Dan was so uggers!! So, like everyother washed-up has-been he's been working on a "solo album" (aka Taco Bell). Here is what his Myspace page had to say about his newest CD:
The 5 song CD is an impressive solo debut that puts to rest any pre-conceived notions. This piano driven, playful romp of a rock record showcases the full depth of Dans talents.
Um, yeah. So this album will put to rest the theory that he is a huge turd? 5 songs, eh? That's all you could do in 7 years, 5 songs? Wow. Taco Bell must have you working a lot of overtime.

Trevor Penick
Ahahaha, you have to check out this guy's Myspace. He apparently changed his name to Tre Scott and has a cameo in the movie Bro'mosapien. Cameo? More like brother was an Extra (he did it for the craft truck).

Jacob Underwood
Oookaye, so Jacob now has a band called Jacob's Loc (?) and this is what he looks like now:Sick! I bet those dreds smell like farts! Okay, so I hit up their Myspace and they are "country-alt-rock" with song titles like "Whiskey Drinkin'" and "Drunk Dialin'". What does this guy have against G's? Also, doesn't he look sort of like Hyde?

Ikaika Kahoano
My personal favorite was Ikaika, who's big fat Hawaiian dad made him leave the show. Why? Fuck, I can't remember. But do you know what I DO remember? That he started his own band with the O-Town never-was'es called LMNT. Get it? Element? I used to get them mixed-up and call them TMNT. Crap, with a little research I just found out that their name was chosen by Teen People readers. Wow, no wonder it sucked. They were named by 14 year olds. I also just YouTubed LMNT and the video for their crappy song Hey Juliet popped up. You know, the one where they are in a landromat doing their landry? Yeah, me neither.

So there you have it - O-Town. What legends are made of. If you have some extra time on your hands, hit up www.yellowpages.com and prank call some of these douches. Something tells me they would be more than happy to talk to you (you know, it gets lonely when you sit at home all day watching Maury).

...like school in July.

No Class.
That's right, everybody's favorite piece of shit in outta jail. Hooray! Let's celebrate by pooling our money and hiring a sharp-shooter. Kidding!! Anyways, anybody want to start taking bets to see what happens Paris does next?
- Devotes life to Jesus, begins reading to blind children
- Ventures to Cambodia to help children, adopts one
- Gets her skank ass to Les Deux, drinks like there is no tomorrow, and flashes the vajayjay
(My money is on the last one)

Ginger Tuesdays

You know Ginger Tuesdays have gotten bad when I am racking my brains to find a new Ginger that isn't Ronald McDonald. I was like "I won't do it; I won't do a clown, it's too goddamned easy. Pull yourself together! It's not the end of the world!" The I laid on my back and fired my gun violently into the air several time and let out an aggressive YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHH. (I clearly went and saw Hot Fuzz again this weekend). Then it hit me - I don't have to do Ronald. He's not even a real Ginger - he's just a dude with a red wig. The Hamburglar, however...Name: Charles "The Hamburglar" Goldstein
Birthdate: Sometime in the weird-ass 70's
Occupation: criminal
Arrest Record: Petty theft under $100, aggravated assault, indecent exposure to Fry Kids, arson to a public office (the office of Mayor McCheese at Town Hall).
The Hamburglar is to Gingers what a white kid pulling laterally at his eyelids and saying "ching chang chong" is to the Chinese (ie - their most offensive stereotype). Let's take a look at all the little offensive bits that make up one large stereotype:
- He's a criminal who not only robs people blind, but has also reecntly broken out of jail
- He wears a perscription mask (everybody knows that Gingers have poor vision)
- One tooth (Ginger have notoriosly bad dental habits)
- Large hands (for grabbing money)
- Large nose (for smelling where money is)
- Black cape (Gingers are morbidly obsessed with Batman)
- Is only able to say rubble rubble (due to excessive inbreeding, Gingers have been forced to make up their own crude language)
One thing you may not have known is that in the 80's, the Hamburglar went through quite the transformation. Did you know he used to look like this?Wow, I feel bad just posting that. Imagine that breaking into your house at night and stealing all your hamburgers? I would shit a brick if that thing even approached me on the street! My biggest questions is - why is he a grey-haired old man? And why did they decide that making him a Ginegr would be less offensive? Who knows. I suppose it's better than the Hamburglar's brother, The Hammurderer:Stabble stabble.

Stupid Spoiled Whore MadLibs: Part 2

Yes! Here is our first MadLibs submission from Jenn L. It's pretty funny. Editors Note: I'm pretty sure that one word is supposed to be fellate.
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Mad Libs: Stupid Spoiled Whore edition

Okay, so my girl over at Gallery of the Absurd has posted a gorgeous rendition of Candy Spelling and a DIY MadLibs aimed at celebuskanks. At first I was like "ha-ha, I get it, le sigh". And then I downloaded the MadLibs form and have been playing with it all morning. I urge you to do the same (click to make big).Really, name a time when MadLibs wasn't cool. My sister and I used to do MadLibs all the time, until my Mom found out that for every noun we were putting in "piece of shit" and for every adjective we were putting in "huge". Also, she thought there was something deeply unsettling about two teenagers who still wrote MadLibs.
Feel free to fill out the form and send it in. My favorite will be put up for all to see (including ones that are hate mail disguised as MadLibs.)
*Also, a big Happy Birthday goes out to my little sister today who, despite being a miserabitch most of the time, is usually pretty cool. Peace out homie! When I get home, you're getting a big case of the Birthday Beats!

Tom Goes to the Mayor and my black eye

Okay, so here's a little known fact about me. I moonlight as a bartender, and this Saturday I was at work (as uzge) and a guy I work with asked if I ever watch Tom Goes to the Mayor. Well, durr of course. Its fucking hilarious. So I started thinking back and was quoting some episodes ("Gibbinns!"..."Gibbaaaaaaans!") and I started singing the Rick-a-dick-a-dick handshake song. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can watch it here. Anyways, I got about halfway through the song (somewhere around "ring-a-dingding ring-a-dingding") and I started laughing HYSTERICALLY. Cripes, its a funny handshake, give me a break. So yeah, I thought "you better gain composure; they're not paying you to do the TGTTM Handshake" and went to pick up a bottle from a lower shelf and BOOM - I smoked my face off the corner of the marble bar. I threw my hands up to check if my eye was still there (it was) and there was blood gushing through my fingers! It was like Carrie! I had cut a huge chunk out of my eye under my eyebrow and blood was dripping through my eyelashes. So the guy I was working with took me to the first aid in the kitchen and threw some antiseptic on that bad boy and got me some ice. So I got to go home early from work, but I have a seriously busted eye. Its pretty bruised and I can't think of a cool story. I think I might go with "someone smacked me in the face while playing Wii Sports" or something (cause then people will think I own a Wii).
PS - you can check out who saved my ass here. He is trying to win some money for something by having people vote for him or something. Clearly he owes some dangerous people a lot of money.

Anti-Lowbrow Week comes to a close.

I think this picture is the perfect way to end Anti-Lowbrow Week at The Skip-Raid:I honestly think I might regret saying this, but this picture of Lindsay Lohan is melting my horribly mean heart. Here she is on a day out from Promises or wherever the hell she is drying out. As much as I love making fun of her train wreck of a life, I am actually really happy that Rehab 2.0 is maybe going to change her this time. This is a different Lohan, people:
1. Smiling
2. Outside and awake before 3pm
3. With people who aren't Nicole Ritchie or Dina "Mumma Skag Bag" Lohan
4. Is that a little paunch I see? And thick thighs? Someone looks healthy again

This is all better than Rehab 1.0 Lohan which was:
1. Really skinny
2. Really trampy
3. Really high out of her fucking mind
4. Flashin' the bagina

So yeah, this picture actually put a smile on my face and made me go "Awww!" If you need to contact me this weekend, please call Whitby Psych at 1-800-crazy-ho.
Peace out! See you all Monday morning!!

Design 101: The London 2012 Olympics Logo

So my roomate, who is a great graphic designer, brought to my attention the London 2012 Olympic logo. Have you seen this? I am not kidding when I say someone paid a designer 8 million dollars for this. Was it 8 million? Yeah, something like that. Anyways, don't reach for your calendar in a panic; it's still 2007. We didn't wormhole into 1992. Most people are comparing it to a big pile of feces. I, on the other hand, think it was ripped off from a bunch of stuff. Let's see who should be filing copyright infringement papers with their lawyers, shall we?

PBS's Zoom
Oh man, PBS must be shitting a brick right now. That is basically the same goddamned logo! The slanty angles, the wacky colours, the annoying dorky kids who act out the lamest plays...oh, wait. That last one is all Zoom's.

Dippity-Do and LA Looks Hair Gel
There's no better memory I have from the early 90's than getting one of those Teen-Paks with Teen Spirit deodorant and stuff, and there would always be a giant tube of hair gel. And I had really manageable hair that didn't need gel, but I always used it on my bangs to push them up at the front. Sweet jesus, graphic designers, why would you want to remind everyone of their shitty, pre-teen hair?!?

Saved By The Bell opening theme
Know what I loved? That Dustin 'Screech' Diamond's shape in the opening credits was a diamond. Amazing. I also loved the shapes at the beginning: sneaker, surf board, sunglassess...ice cream cone, pink lawn flamingo? Oookayee. Anyways, take a look at the SBTB opening theme and tell me they didn't just take a bunch of shapes out of it and make a logo.

Barbie and the Rockers doll
Holy crap, this is just getting blatant.

Charms Blow-Pops commercial
Hit up YouTube and watch this classic commercial from the late 80's. It's supposed to look like kids are making the commercial, which kind of explains who actually made this logo: kids.

Blossom doll
I couldn't find a picture of Six from Blossom (she was always wearing clothes with overly-large bold prints). I could, however, find a picture of the Blossom doll, which is just as good. Remember when her brother was an alcoholic? Shit, is that show on DVD yet?

New Kids on the Block
Nothing represents the early 90's aesthetic more than New Kids on the Block. And while I did have literally hundreds of pictures of the most handsome boys on the planet, I decided to use this picture from a NKOTB comic. Holy crap, girl comics are so boring. Check out the blonde girl in the bottom corner. She's all like "sigh...I wish it was Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch".

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 4

Hey fellas! So, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is...
I didn't get to watch CNTM last night. Dinner ran late.
The good news is...
I'm gonna go ahead and critique these dogs anyway!
So, from what I have gathered, your homegirl and mine, vaGina got kicked out last night. Boo hoo hoo!Don't worry, Gina, ther's always Hooters.You like that Photoshop job? That's not even Photoshop. I'm kicking it old school - that's Microsoft Paint, bitches.
Now for the rest. I take it from last night that the photoshoot was some kind of image of a JetSet America lifestyle? Female spys? Just a bunch of random machinery with no theme? Yep, you got it.

Cori
1. Is this an ad for Urban Behaviour or Stitches?
2. Why the fuck is she so out of focus?!
3. Could they not have given us a two'fer last night and eliminated her too?

Mo
Okay, while Mo isn't my favourite model on the show, she sure is rocking that yellow. Damn you, Black People, and your ability to show off colour like nobody's business!! Seriously, I could never get away with that yellow. I would look like the anthropomorphization of Urine. This shot, however, looks so staged and crappy. Is this not what you thought you looked like when you played Supermodel in your bedroom? I'm sorry, you didn't play Supermodel? You missed out.

Rebecca
She's normally my girl, but Rebecca looks like a kid going to the prom in this shot. Actually, more like Bryce Dallas Howard going to the prom. Actually, no, more like Ron Howard's weird brother going to the prom. Rebecca has the potential to look totally weird like Karen Elson or Agyness Deyn. She should work the creepy scare-little-kids look. Right now she is coming off as the only redheaded Sears model.

Sinead
Snore.

Tara
Sweet Baby Jesus, when did this show lose ALL credibility?!? Cripes, I could take a better picture than this on the first take! Tara, step it up girl! You are sucking so damn hard, it is making it hard for me to want to keep your crazy ass in the house! Bitch is unstable, that's fer shur. So why are all her pictures so bland? We need another Jael! Ho, you can be CNTM's Jael! I know this guy who can hook me up with some meth. I'll bring the drugs, you bring the Dortios! Let's have a party full o' crazy!

Tia
Oh God, I know I'm gonna get shit for this...crap. I can't say it. I can't say that Tia looks like an Autistic child dressed up for her sister's wedding. I can't say that Tia looks like she can't form syllables into words and express how much she would rather be playing in the sandbox with Kitty-Cat. I just can't do it. It would be too mean if I said that Tia looks like she's lost in the supermarket and is wandering aimlessly through the cookie aisle because she is "hungee" and "wannsa snack". Oh shit, I just can't say that. Sorry guys.

So there you have it. This week's Dog Pound Round-Up. Only 6 left; who will it be next week? My money is on Cori or Tara. Aw shit, who am I kidding. Who gives an eff? They're all losers.

150th post - Vacay Pour Moi

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I honestly can't believe that The Skip-Raid has made it this far, and it's all thanks to you reading everyday. In honour of my 150th post, I am taking a much-needed vacation. So, today I suggest that you take a trip over to Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke and peruse his hilarious hatred of all things Great Dane-y. I myself will be spending this afternoon at my beloved's University graduation and then going to fan-say dinner.
Congratulations Chris and Beth who are done school for-ev-er (to be said in Sandlot way). Well...at least until September.
Peace!

Ginger Tuesdays

Hello All! So, today's Ginger was a tough tough choice. But I decided to bring it back to where it all started, South Park. The Ginger Kids episode has been done to death, so I am going to keep these short and sweet. Enjoi! Let me know if I missed anyone.

Kyle Broflovski
The OG (original ginger) of South Park elementary, Kyle takes a lot less heat for being a Ginger than for being Jewish. Maybe it's because he is a Daywalker, and not really a Ginger. Meh. Don't get me wrong, he's still "one of them".


Sheila Broflovski
Kyle's mom is the truest form of Ginger; straight-up bitch. Seriously, she is almost as annoying as Peggy Hill (but not quite). Sheila shit-disturbs everything around her, when really she should take a good look in a mirror and realize she is a Daywalker and should count her lucky stars that the townsfolk don't run her out of town. (Because she is a Ginger, not because she is Jewish. There is no connection between the two. Sheesh).

Scott Tenorman
Holy shit, Scott Tenorman is a dick. Dude sold his pubes to Cartman for $10, and in retaliation Cartman has his parents killed. Yeah, seemed fair to me, too. The thing I love most about Scott Tenorman is that they never go into him being a Ginger - it's like this unspoken thing. Or maybe it's just because Matt Stone and Trey Parker hadn't thought up Ginger Kids yet. I'm going to go with the second. Let's take a look over to the left at Cartman drinking Scott Tenorman's tears, shall we? God damn, that always kills me! Aahahahahaha!! What a horrible episode? Horribly funny, but horrible. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Gingers.


The Ginger Kids
Ew ew ew. Gingers are gross, even when animated. Look at those sick freckles! Matt Stone and Trey Parkey captured the essence of a Ginge perfectly. Know what I love? When Gingers are like "I have red hair!". Noo, you don't. Ariel, the Little Mermaid, has red hair. Ronald McDonald has red hair. Yours is weird and orange and definately not red in any way. And the freckles, my God, the freckles. I have this friend who has patches of Gingey freckles all over and they make her look like a weird reptile (obvs, Gingers aren't humans). And it grosses.me.out. So Erin, if you are reading - I am sending you a Gift Certificate for skin bleaching. Merry Ginge-mas.

Ginger Cartman
Ew, I don't know what it is about Cartman as a Ginger, but it is so gross!! I think it may be the Dorthy Hamill haircut or the fact that he is fat (ew, aren't fat gingers the worst?) While I laughed my ass of during the Ginger Kids episode, I also felt extreme fear. Because let it be known, my worst fear is to wake up a Ginger like Cartman did. I am dead serious.