Today we sit and chat with the biggest asshole in New Jersey, the author of Skinema, and one of the coolest guys I've ever had the pleasure of interviewing, Chris Nieratko. People, if my glowing review of Skinema wasn't enough to get you off your ass and read it, then this interview sure as shit will. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time to answers a few Q's.
Every year, Chris gets his picture taken with Santa in his Hallowe'en costume. Please don't try to be cooler than him, it's not going to happen.
Full name: Chris Nieratko
Occupation: Dancer/slow driver/high fiver/New Jersey’s Most Handsome man
Where you live: I live in Sayreville, NJ; home of Bon Jovi and Skid Row.
Where can we find you?
Chris Nieratko.com or myspace.com/nieratko
First off, am I pronouncing your last name right: near-ATT-ko?
Yes, that is correct. But regardless of how you pronounced it I would have said you were right. I enjoy the butchering of my name much more than I do the correct pronunciation.
Secondly, I take back what I said about you in the Lesley Arfin interview. I now realize that you are a suave gentleman with as much power over the ladies as a young Elvis. I meant no offense by it.
I don’t know what you said but you shouldn’t retract it. How do you know I’m a suave gentleman? I may be a brut. A complete ogre. What’s made you change your tune? Whatever you said to dear Lesley, you should stick to it.
Is your wife pregnant yet? If not, what's the first thing you will do if she pees on the stick and it comes up positive?
Go buy another stick and try and prove the first stick wrong. I’ll keep repeating until one comes up negative. Honestly I have no idea what I will do. I think I’ll crack a beer, relax on the couch with my feet up and say to the air, “Thank God that’s finally over.” Because every time I think she’s pregnant, she is not. Today is her 30th birthday and last week I thought she was knocked up because she was acting all emotional and her boobs felt different but then she got her period, which ruined everything for her birthday party. I made reservations for 15 of us at a Portuguese restaurant in Newark, all immediate family, and I planned on taking the positive pee stick with me in a plastic sandwich bag and making a toast and showing everyone the pee stick. And passing it around. So now what? Am I going to bag up a bloody, used tampon and say, “We’re still trying, folks,”? I’ll be happy when I hit my target so we can go back to unbridled, circus sex without a purpose.
Why does Jenna Jameson look like she's melting? I used to think she was pretty.
Holes in the ozone, I suppose.
Have you ever been so drugged-out on something you actually thought you were dying?
The first time I smoked crack I thought my heart was going to pop right through my chest or explode. It was a less than pleasurable experience. The person I was smoking crack with had just dyed his hair blue but hadn’t washed the dye out and he was sweating like, well, sweating like a crackhead and all the blue dye was running down his face and he looked like a psychotic smurf but at moments the street lights would flash red and it made the blue dye look red and I thought blood was pouring down his face. I was freaking the fuck out. After that kind of experience I don’t know why anyone would ever want to smoke crack again but…well, I’m an idiot.
When you have a baby Chris, what name will you and the wife fight over the most?
There will be no fight. My wife’s name is also Chris and it is already determined that all our kids will be named Chris just like how George Foreman named all his kids George, including his daughter. We are creating an army of Chris Nieratkos bent on world domination.
So you've said before you never use condoms, right? Am I misquoting you? If I'm not, have you ever picked up anything, std-wise?
On occasion I have attempted to use condoms with no luck. I can’t really figure them out. And when I do figure them out my penis gets so mad at the thought of having to wear them that it actually goes limp. I have in the past lied to women and said I was wearing a condom when I was not. It’s awful, I know, but what could I do? My love is not meant to be restrained. As for STDs, no. None. I have somehow, miraculously dodged all bullets. And that right there is the main reason I will never cheat on my wife, aside from never wanting to hurt her. But I know that I played sexual Russian Roulette for 20 years and won but if I try to roll the dice just one more time, I will lose and I will end up with every disease known to man, and some unknown, as a result. Like the song says, “Even the losers get lucky sometimes,” but I’m not about to test my luck.
I think the weirdest porn I've ever seen (not watched, just seen) has been Fat Chicks on the Rag with Vegetables and it was honestly the grossest cover ever. What's the one DVD you've seen where you think "no, never in a million years will I watch this"?
The stuff that I say, “I’ll never watch,” is the stuff that looks like it has a plot or storyline or moments of tenderness. I would be very much excited to get something like Fat Chicks on the Rag with Vegetables. I really have no desire to watch calm, typical sex acts that I can perform with my wife. I want to see the lewd, disgusting acts that would be grounds for divorce in any marriage if suggested like razorblades in the vagina or things involving dogs and donkeys. Watching anything less is like watching re-runs of Golden Girls.
Would You Rather: have sex with a really fat girl who is really good at everything, or a really, really gorgeous girl who is absolutely terrible at everything?
Ideally watching the gorgeous girl have sex with the fat girl would be the biggest turn on but if I had to choose I’d have to go with the hot chick. If it’s all about my pleasure, then it wouldn’t matter how good the fat girl was at anything. I’d simply do my business upon the pretty girl and be out the door in minutes flat.
Where Dear Diary made me almost cry, Skinema made me almost pee. Christ, I would give anything to be as good a writer as CN. Skinema can be found in most bookstores and online at Viceland.com
Your website Dungeon Master emailed me the other day, wasted as fuck, at about 1:30am. I just wanted to let you know how dedicated your staff is at getting back to people's emails. Will he be getting a raise?
He doesn’t get paid. My friendship is more than enough payment for him. His words, not mine. But he’s Canadian. Of course he emailed you at an ungodly hour, he lives in Alaska or some shit. They don’t have shit else to do up there.
Who is the biggest shitstain you have ever met?
I think it’s wrong to categorize people in such a mean way, Skip. I’m just kidding. I’ve come across so many on a regular basis that they all seem to get lumped up into one folder in my brain, one not being and more or less of an asshole than the next.
I know the Jackass Eggnog Competition is years old, but seriously - what was so hard about putting back shots of eggnog? Also, can you remember where you guys (Preston et al) did it? It looks like you rented out a room at a Senior's Centre.
Nothing was hard about puking up eggs or eggnog that’s why it’s so tragically sad that it’s my “claim to fame.” Any dipshit could and probably has done it after seeing me do it. I couldn’t tell you where we filmed that bit; I was what some would call inebriated. For story’s sake let’s say we filmed it on the floor of The Staples Center and my motivation for vomiting was Kobe Bryant.
What's the most surprising thing you have ever learned about Canadians?
Not all of them are gay. Just kidding. They are. No. I don’t know. I’m actually pretty excited to be allowed back in Canada as of this year. I was banned there for 5 years. The last time I went up there they made me pay $200 for a work permit otherwise they were going to send me back across the border to America. Seems they aren’t big on tourists with felonies on their police record.
I sort of have a tendancy to stereotype stuff pretty bad. Can you please tell me how true the following New Jersey stereotypes are:
- New Jersey is nothing but greaseball Goombas
Not true. I’m neither a greaseball or a Goomba. But we do have our share. It’s more of an industrial, blue collar state than anything else.
- New Jersey is the armpit of America
Also not true, we have the highest property tax in the country because everyone keeps moving to Jersey. Rappers get rich and move to Jersey. People who are scared of another terrorist attack move to New Jersey. We have mountains, farms, seashores. It really is a beautiful state. It gets a bum rap because of what is seen along the Northern stretch of the New Jersey Turnpike; refineries, Port Elizabeth and swamps.
- If you say anything bad about Bon Jovi, someone will have you killed.
Also, not true. No one cares about Bon Jovi. Bruce on the other hand…
- Atlantic City is the saddest place on Earth
That might be true. There’s a mutant school in AC for para and quadriplegic people and the ones with the baby T-Rex arms and in the summer they set those poor people out on the boardwalk, cooking in the sun, with a change cup in front of them to beg for change. It’s really sad and will ruin your day at the beach.
I love that picture in Skinema of the girl who got your name tattooed on her..uh..trunk, I guess? (upper stomach, lower boobs). There is so much crazy at work there, like the shitty hair, broken-ass purple nails, etc. How much was your brain going "what the faaaaack?" when she showed you that?
That was a very dark period in my life and when she showed it to me, two weeks after meeting me, I thought it was sweet and romantic and it made me want to use her butt as a mouth. Not until her third suicide attempt in my apartment did I start to think, “Maybe this girl is slightly unstable.”
Can you please thank your wife for me for not wearing one of those shitty strapless, bright white-satin, Jessica Simpson puffy-ass gowns for your wedding? She'll know what I'm talking about.
Is that a question? Uh…yes. I will.
What is your favourite show on Comedy Central and/or Cartoon Network?
The one I’m filming. It’s going to be like a Sims game but Virtual New Jersey, where you can go to bars and, like, drink and do drugs and stuff. I’m just kidding. That’s a stupid idea. I don’t really watch much TV except for when the Nets play basketball. Once they move the team to Brooklyn I’m considering getting rid of my television.
Your ideal sandwich:
Foot-long Cheeseburger subs from the now-defunct Tastee’s Sub Shop in Sayreville, NJ. We lost a good one when that placed closed down. Rest in peace all you yummy sandwiches. You will not be forgotten.
