Happy Hallowe'en! My kid sis is on CollegeHumor.com!

Click here to see her, along with all the other Hallowe'en submissions. Good jerb, kiddo!

TRICK OR TREAT! The following image is not suitable for anyone with eyes...oh yeah, and it's Goddamned Ginger Wednesday.

Here at The Skip-Raid we have outed Danny Bonaduce as a disgusting Ginger before. We all know he is not only a Ginger, but also a pretty useless guy. The man did box Greg Brady (also, I totally watched Celebrity Boxing). Anyways, what I am getting at is the man clearly has, among other things, low self-esteem. Otherwise, he would be more apt to keeping his clothes on in public and nut subjecting us to his dissgrossting Gingery body. In his case, it's not even the freckle patches that bother me the most - its the obvious steroid abuse. To see what I am not-so-subtly getting at, feel free to click here and take a gander. PS - the image is totally NSFW, so if you work at a daycare or nursing home or anywhere where your boss would not want to see you staring repulsedly at Danny Bonaduce's Little Danny Partridge. But I am warning you! It is so gross and so small and so covered in orange hair that I would rather get stabbed in a liquor-store robbery. Well, okay. That's a little steep. Maybe just have a bottle smashed over my head. Sunrise, sunset, the man is a freak of nature. If we can clone a sheep and shit, can we not fuse clothing onto Danny Bonnaduce's body? Please? For little baby Jesus?

The Hills: fakeity-fake-fake!

Recap: bla bla bla TeenVOGUE party bla bla bla Spencer and Frankie bla bla bla Marc Jacobs. There, I just told you the whole episode. Why am I being so Hills-callous, you ask? Because I have been duped. We all know that The Hills has a titch of a fakery. But with recent allegations coming forward of the show being a big fat lie, do you not feel a little deceived? Does it not feel like a knife in your back? No? You say I need to get out more? Touche; you win. Can we not take a moment and examine what shocked us, and what just made us go "meh...yeah, saw that one coming".

SHOCKER! Lauren's date with Gavin was a fake.
Yeah, it seemed pretty fake. Prettyboy blonde model Gavin claims that the Hills producers asked him to ask LC for her phone number and that the whole date was a fake. Drawing on photgraphs compared side-by-side by Perez Hilton and others showing LC with nail polish on the date, and then no nail polish when she calls Brody for a booty call, Gavin sets the record straight. He and LC were on their date till almost 3am. That would mean that LC would have gone home, taken her nail polish off, re-curled her hair, and called Brody for a booty call sometime around 4am. I don't think so. But that brings me to my next comment...

SHOCKER! Lauren and Audrina don't live at Hollywood Villas...or with eachother.
Apparently, the Hills producers just rent out Lauren and Audrina's apartment for shooting. That would be why you only really see the living room and the room where Lauren curls her hair. Also, it always looks ghetto-empty. It makes sense though; why would a girl who makes $300 thousand an episode need a roomate to help her pay rent? Which leads us to Audrina...

SHOCKER! Audrina doesn't have a job.
Audrina is seen coming home from work in a tonne of episodes. Which is funny, because homegirl isn't on Epic Record's payroll. Uh oh! Someone is jerbless!! They have a deal with Epic's offices to go in and film a few scenes once a month with Audrina sitting at the front holding a phone to her ear. It all makes sense now. Everytime they mentioned her job I thought "Audrina knows how to use a phone?" And speaking of fake-o jobs-o...

SHOCKER! Heidi doesn't work at Bolthouse.
Uh oh. This is getting deep. Again, they go in a few times a month with Heidi and film some scenes with her and Brent and Elodie and pretend she has a job. That would make sense, since it seems she has an awful lot of time to film music videos on the beach with Spencer. Wait, do you remember that crack from last week where she was like "Hey Spencer, get a job you lazy ass". Okay, so it wasn't like that, but it was close. My my, Heidi, how the tables have turned. Why don't YOU try getting a job, you fake-tittied ho-bag. Now that I think of it, I bet Lauren doesn't even work at TeenVOGUE anymore. Ouch.

But what does this all mean for us, they loyal viewers? It means we are much, much stupider and more gullible than we thought. I feel like such a tard. I knew that LC was a hidden bitch and that Heidi and Spencer have to do every scene four or five times, but Audrina? A jobless, useless, vapid...okay, fine. I should have seen that coming. But Heidi not working for Brent Bolthouse? Gavin taking Lauren on a fake-date? Brody not actually living in that beach house where they party all the time?
I feel cheated.

Hallowe'ekend Review

Good morning boys and ghouls. This picture doesn't exactly represent my weekend, I just thought it was funny. Well, okay. Maybe my sister did ask why my face had gotten very Freddy Kruger (my acne gets bad sometimes, go eff yourself). This was supposed to ber Hallowe'en Weekend, the best weekend of the whole year. Wha' Happun? No parties! No costumes! No juicers or blenders. The weekend was also void of flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers. Enough Simpsons quotes. So what did the Mayor do for Hallwe'en weekend? Worked. You heard me. I was bartending. I wasn't even allowed to wear a costume. I know, silently cry with me, please. While on the Subway to and from work, I did manages to see a couple of costumes worth mentioning:

The Good
- girl with a converse sneaked tied on the top of her head. What the hell was your costume? Who cares, you went there and that's all that mattered.
- guy dressed up as Ron Burgundy. Okay, guy, I know your costume was 100% awesome, but it would have been 110% if you had done it 2 years ago. Sorry. Still good though (real moustache).
- girl dressed up as Little Red Ridinghood. All your stuff was clearly found in your closet and it looked like you threw your outfit together last minute for free. Good job! I like that can-do spirit.

The Bad
- girl dressed as Jail-Time Paris Hilton. Wow, you are just so creative, aren't you? What a great costume! You are just so funny!
- guy wearing all black and holding an axe. Sorry, bro, but a plastic axe does not a costume make. What are you, Nighttime Firewood Collector?
- girl dressed as American McGee's Alice. Something tells me that since Hot Topic costumes don't come cheap, this will be your costume for the next 3 years.

So me and the kid sister went to Canada's Wonderland's Halloween Haunt this year, as I do every year. Who doesn't love a haunted amusement park? People who have seen their parents killed at the hands of a deranged clown, you say? Alright, well for people other than that very small niche group, Halloween Haunt is a great time to cruise around the park in the dark and ride the rides with little to no lineups. Also, they have quite a few haunted mazed and houses and such that aren't really terrifying as much as they are a lot of walking and looking. Halloween Haunt is ideal for seniors, I think. Lots of walking slowly, re-occuring feelings of being lost, lots of looking at flesh wounds and going "Gladys told me her roomate had that and they had to clean the dressings every day!"
Last year, let me tell you, I almost peed my pants every 5 minutes. This year was not as scary. It seems that every haunted maze we walked through, we were stuck behind a dad and a kid, and the zombies (excuse me, talent) would make a beeline for anyone 4 feet and under. Additionally, sometimes they went out of character:
Black Ritualistic Slaughter-House Killer: I'm going to take you downstairs...
The Mayor: That sounds sexy.
Black Ritualistic Slaughter-House Killer: (hands in the air) Not on the first date.
All in all, it was a fun time. Especially walking through the gift shop where we were treated to such ladies T-Shirts as "My favourite position is upside-down" (...just kidding, it's doggie-style) and "Get in line" (...to ride my ass). Honestly, what parent would, in their right mind, buy their 8 year old a shirt that says "My favourite position is upside-down"? Oh yeah, White Trash.
I wish I had pictures, but I don't think we could have even held a camera cause it was so damn cold and my good-for-nothing sister took my mittens. She also showed up wearing summer slip-ons with no socks and a thin Urban Outfitters hoodie. Needless to say, her feet got so frozen she started walking around like a zombie. Well...more like a crackhead, but it was funny nonetheless.

TGIF-U

Thank God it's Fucking Uuver. This week, that is...aw, hamburgers, that was a terrible anomoly. Anyways, long story short, this week is over, and that is good. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do today, so I am lazily linking to my ultra-embarrassing BiteTV post for this week. There are a couple of gems, so it's not totally worthless. In the words of a fellow BiteTV contributor (who shall remain nameless just in case someone gets wind of his negative comments and then he gets the axe...which really wouldn't be that bad) "This will all end badly. Anything with Molson adverts has to. It's a rule". So just read it, k? If you are too lazy to click on the link below, then enjoy my favourite picture from College Humor.com this week.
Click here to read the BiteTV garbage-parbage.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 9, Week whatever.

Okay, so my little Intern Tiddlerface is taking this week off. And, I have been hearing a lot of comments about "keep the ANTM post shorter" and bla bla bla. But, I do respect all of yous, so this week we are gonna keep things short. And next week, when Tylerface is back, it will still be kept short. Hoorays all around! Let's get down to bidness. If you watched last night, you were probably as shocked as I was when Ebony decided to leave. Ambreal-y bad model was told to hit the bricks, and then Ebony was all like "I don't wanna be hurr" and shit, and so Ambreal got to stay. Free pass, bitch! If that wasn't troubly enough, Tyra starts with that glorious silent-bitch routine she has been known to pull where she, very calmly and with a smile, tells Ebony that she is a quitter and that she has 0 respect for her lazy ass. The best was like "You want to leave because you can't handle people telling you what to do and not telling you you are beautiful all the time". Diss! Then, with a smile, she was like "get yo ass outta my house, b'yotch, 'fore I put my foot so far up yo ass you be coughin' up my Dr. Scholls OdorEaters". I wish! It was more like "pack your shit and leave", but one can wish.

Let's move on to the photos, shall we?EBONY
Fug fug fug. It looks like another shoot pulled outta Jay's ass. I'm glad Ebony is gone, bitch was boring. I need a ho who will steal granola bars and shit.
AMBREAL
This shot is straight-up Fantasia Barrino. Girl, you better kiss Tyra's fat ass for the next week, cause you got saved. You were ready for the dog-food factory, and you got kept from the killing floor by Ebony. It doesn't mean you are good. It just means you are here by default.
BINACA
Okay, we all know how gorge Bianca is. Let's play Magic Eye and look past Bianca for a sec. What do you see? Do you see it? Yes! It's a bunch of shitty plasic motor oil containers taped to a wall! See, you have to focus on what's not there. There's no Art Director, see? Ah, ANTM photo shoots. You have truly reached a new low.
CHANTAL
I once knew a girl names Chantal and her nickname was Ashtray because she smoked so much. Next to Cardboard, I think that Ashtray is one of the better nicknames I have heard.
PS - this shot is fly.
ASSBURGERS
I know everybody has been crap-a-lappin' over Heather, but I'm gonna say it; I don't think she's that good. And if she wins, I will be really dissapointed. I think she is average to the max and has the worst personality. Did you see her hug Mary J Blige? Mary J was practically pulling away and had this look of terror on her face like "somebody best be pullin' this white girl off me soon...". Nobody gets all up in Mary J's space like that! The woman specifically said no more drama, ya heard?
JENAH
Meh. Just meh. I honestly don't know why they just don't have a two-fer night and cut Jenah along with the other loser.
LISA
Sometimes on ANTM, their combination of Tranny and Low-budget get mixed together into a wonderful little batter, that when baked at 350 degrees for 60 minutes, makes quite a delightful little piece of crap. I think that $9 was invested into this photo shoot. On the plus side, Tyra's wigs have never looked better.
SALEISHA
You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both, and then you have...The Facts of Life.
SARAH
I loved last night when Nigel Barker was like "Have you lost weight?" and Sarah is all "uh...no" as if she has been puking up all her food in the past 5 weeks. Hellos, she is a lot smaller than when she first started. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing - she looks great, and is still my favourite on the show. It's like she has this secret Taxi Driver agenda, where she spends all her time in her room prepping for photoshoots and shit. She's standing in front of the mirror talking to herself like "you want a fatty on the show? I'll show you fatty...give me a Mom haircut, eh? I'm gonna work the hell out of this haircut". All I need to see is her sabotaging the runway so that Heather falls off, and we are all set. Do my bidding, Big S!

That's it for this week. Next week is apparently a catch-up week, which is cool, cause it also happens to be our Nation's Greatest Holiday, Hallowe'en. I wonder what Tyra will dress up for Hallowe'en as? Who am I kidding! The wigs? The false eyelashes? The full-body Spanx? Everyday is Hallowe'en for Tyra Banks.

Due to copyright infringement...

So, it's Hallowe'en, and that means one thing. Type-2 Diabetes? No, silly goose. Awesome costumes! But we don't live in a perfect world where people think up awesome costumes and then put them together using scraps and know-how and elbow grease. Most of the time, you go to a Hallowe'en party and see 4 'sexy Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz' and more than a half-dozen Scream guys. As much as I love to laugh at mindless snore-ass costumes, I really love to laugh at the names they give them on costume websites. You know the ones...it will clearly be a Scooby Doo costume and the name of it will be "Goofy Crime-Solving Doggy-Doo". Let's take a look at some of the best names in a piece I like to call Due To Copyright Infringement...Sold as: "Captain 6-Pack"
What it really is: Duff Man
Jebus Christ, you want the real Captain 6-Pack costume? Dress up as my unemployed, good for nothing, alcoholic ex-boyfriend. There, I just saved you $29.99Sold as: "Nerdy Adult"
What it really is: Pee-Wee Herman
What is this, 1983? Why don't you just go as a Rubiks cube or Little Caesar's Pizza? Hell, you can't even go as Pervert Pee-Wee, cause then you might have to explain to people that, no, it isn't 1993. Just go as Paul Reubens: washed-up TV star who also happens to rent the basement in my Uncle's house.Sold as: "Wizard Wanda"
What it really is: Hermione? Harry Potter? Pfft, someone in Gryffindor at least.
This one is so lame, it makes me cry. Imagine someone asking you what you are supposed to be, and you go "wizard Wanda". Uh, wizard who?Sold as: "Precocious English Nanny"
What it really is: Mary Poppins
They should have just called the costume Sherry Bobbins.Sold as: "Bad Bull Vodka"
What it really is: I have no fucking idea. Is she supposed to be RedBull and Vodka? Is she an alcoholic bull? This costume is so confusing.Sold as: "Mystery Solving Team"
What it really is: Scooby Doo.
American Apparel, you can't fool me. me too smart. Just call it what it is - Freddie, Velma, Daphne, and Weedy-Jim. What was that guy's name? Shaggy. Right. If you really wanted to go as a Mystery Solving Team for Hallowe'en, you would dress up as Det. Stabler, Det. Benson, and District Attorney Novak from Law & Order: SVU. But then again, only you would get the joke and you would show up to the party looking like narcs.Sold as: "Evil Queen"
What it really is: Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty
Well...fat Maleficent. Fat, lonely, probably the owner of several cats Maleficent.

Sold as: "Napoleon Dynamite"
What it really is: Bob Odenkirk doing Napoleon Dynamite.
I love that people are still doing Napoleon Dynamite costumes well past their prime. Are you guys this un-creative?

Last night on The Hills...

Let's call this week's episode The Brody Show, cause that's what it felt like. Homegirl got more time than Audrina, Lo, and Justin-Bobby combined! Let's start with Heidi though, cause she really doesn't play an integral role in this week's shitstorm.
Okay, so Heidi and Kim, eh? She is gonna run her like a mule. Heidi is all "if you need anything..." More like "if I need anything, it will be broughten!" (because Heidi is all about the un-words. Did you hear her say world-wind? Um, it's whirlwind, you stupid slut).
Anyways, back the the TeenVOGUE model casting call, Lauren gets the hots for Gavin, a model that she worked with on a TeenVOGUE shoot previously. DON'T DO IT, BITCH!! Lauren, girlfriend; don't ever date models. They are dumb as shit. Hot, but dumb as shit. But for serious, they love talking about their hair too much, and that is only fun for a day. Two days, tops. Alright, so Gavin asks Lauren on a date. I get a very maybe-gay'be vibe from good ol' Gavin. He seems like he would be a top. Moving on...
Heidi is at home with The Puppetmaster, and she is all "Honey, I'm in here getting ready for that big NASCAR event". There is no ammount of money you could pay me to attend a NASCAR event. Well, maybe $25 grand, but that's only cause I owe the bank muchos dollars. So The Puppetmaster is being all pouty cause he made 'special dinner plans' (um, do they not go out for dinenr every night?) and everytime Heidi defends her choice, he gives her the thumbs-down. Which was HILARIOUS!! The best was when Heidi busted Spencer for not having a job aka The Diss Heard Round the World. She's all "I'll be at work...why don't you try it?" Ahahahaha, Spencer is a stay-at-home dad!!
So Brody and Frankie have a beach party and Brody does a hilarious, if not a tad racist, impression of Frankie. I laughed, whatever. So I think Brody and Lauren did what I like to call the bathing-suit-area dance. That's what I gathered from Frankie's spinning bed remark. That, or they found one of those Austin Powers spinning beds. Probably not. So Gavin arrives and tells Lauren that he went camping in Catalina and Lauren goes "ew, camping". THANK YOU!! Finally, someone says what I have been saying all along!! Camping is stupid and dirty and you smell like dirty hair and poo and urine. Why? It's called a hotel.
Brody decides he is going to grill Gavin and see if he is good enough to date/fool around with Lauren. Was anybody else thinking "fuck Gavin, I want Brody Jenner"? Brody is eh oh tee.
Meanwhile at the NASCAR event, Spencer calls Heidi and guilt-tripps the hell out of her and she stands there looking like a low-budget porn star. Ie: what else is new? I will talk about them when something interesting happens.
Let's cut to Lauren and Gavin's date, shall we? Here is how it all went down:
Bla bla bla white-washed sushi place bla bla bla Gavin looks like Ken Paves bla bla bla booooring. Like watching paint dry.
The Lauren invites Brody over to 'watch a movie' aka do it!! Good for you, good choice.
So Next Week on The Hills... has Lauren and Whitney going to New York to meet with Amy Astley and show them some stuff. It looks like Whitney blows it, but it's honestly just clever editing. What will happen with Brody and Lauren? Will Brody be friends with Spencer again? ARe the writers getting lazy? See you next week!!

The Spook-Raid

Oooh, so scawwy! It's Hallowe'en week here at the Skip-Raid, and by week I mean 10 Glorious Days of candy, ghosts, horror movies, the macabre, nicky-nicky 9-doors, and Satan. We salute you, o' Dark Lord! Anyways, moving on. Let's take a look at the Hallowe'en Costume Poll so far, shall we?
43% Amy Winehouse
39% The Hills' Justin-Bobby
13% A Ginger
4% Your Mom
Well, lookit that. Amy Winehouse for the block, eh? And who would have thought the dark horse Justin-Bobby would have such a lead over Ginger? This is gonna be a tough race. And yes, it's true - if Amy Winehouse wins, it will be the 3rd year in a row that I have worn a black wig. I really need to find a costume that utilizes my naturally gorgeous hair. Anyways, I wasn't sure what to write about cause I had a pretty dull weekend and am having a pretty dull morning, so I decided to do what I do best - rip stuff off. So, courtesy of our good friends at The Onion, here is a Hallowe'en article or two for you to enjoy!

Indonesian Mother Sews Halloween Costumes For 60,000 Children

Top Halloween Costumes, Women 18-34

...and my personal favourite...
Halloween Safety Tips

Countdown to Hurloween!!

Alright tids, the countdown is on like Donkey Kong, and if you will notice on the side over there to the right, you can vote for my Hallowe'en costume. I urge you to do so, as it is your civic duty to cast your ballot. In the meantime, let's take a look at 2 Hallowe'en costumes my kid sister Alex sent me. I know that she was trying to make fun of them, but deep down inside she is wishing she could wear either one.

While I applaud this company for making something sort of retro, mostly skanky, I do wonder what their inspiration was for this costume. Was it Women in the Navy? Cause from what I know about the American Military, women in the Army and Navy and Marines are usually butch to the max. Like Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry butch. Like Pvt. Lyndie England. Upon further inspection, I realize that it is a Monster Mash of several things: Naval uniform, slutty stripper thigh highs, and The Skipper's hat (you know, the one he used to beat Gilligan with). I would love to be a fly on the wall when some Frat asks the slut wearing this costume "what are you supposed to be?" She'd be standing there like a deer in the slutlights going "...I'm...a...sailor girl...like on the...uh...sea...wanna see me make out with a girl?"

Sextra! Sextra! Slut all about it!! See what I just did there? It's called a pun. Aw, go blow it out your ass. What else do you say about such an ill-conceived costume? Is this a tribute to Newsies? A visual representation of the beloved NES videogame Paperboy? What the hell? Are we running out of slutty costumes, or what? I would be less surprised to see a Sexy Ambulance Driver or a Sexy Cellphone than a Sexy Paperboy. Why is it that Hallowe'en brings out the funny and creative in guys, and girls just phone it in and wear their underwear. It's cool, I get it. You have a jock boyfriend who uses you as his personal punching bag. Sheesh, you don't have to rub it in my face, Miss Low Self-Esteem. Take it easy. Know what I love, too? The girls who get mayjah slutted up for Hallowe'en are usually the girls who have slept with like, one guy in their whole lives and who read Cosmo's Kama Sutra before bed ("oooh! Ice in the bedroom?! How nas-tay!!")
Long story short, vote for a Hallowe'en costume for me, otherwise you might see me showing up to a party dressed like Sexy Paperboy or something (whatevers on sale at Value Village, really).

America's Next Top Model Cycle 9, Episode...uh...figure skating

THE MAYOR: First off, can you believe that this is my 252'nd post? I can't either. I honestly thought I would get bored after 2 weeks and just start posting about my bowel movements or which cashier is the biggest bitch at my grocery store (it's the fat Indian lady...Meeshra. Or Shurbinder. Whatever, she is a huge bitch). Alright, time to put away the Gloat Goat and talk about ANTM.
INTERN TYLERFACE: SHAZAMMMM Its week....5 or 6. Guys, seriously - tell me what week it is. I'm dying here. So, it opens up with all the typical jabber that wannabe models say when in a truck. Nothing really all that interesting, whining about Kimberly waaaaah. Bitch was terrible! Hoochy Mama couldn't even make it on Maxim.
TM: Good call. This week's reward for a job wll done was the chance to star in an Akademiks ad with Season 6 Winner Danielle. What were the odds that the winner was gonna be white? 300 to 1? Yeah, that sounds about right. So Lisa won and took Ebony and Janet. Why Janet? I guess they needed a token white girl. Too bad she whited that ad up more than a pile of...um...white people stuff. Moving on...
ITF: Sweet Mayor, please fill in some shizz. This episode was so boring I started studying for a test.
TM: For some weird reason, they decided to make a Being Bai Ling photoshoot. Boooooring.TM: This week we said smell ya later to Janet, aka Liza Minelli, aka House Mom. And by sadly I mean Praise Sweet Baby Jesus! I hated that stupid boring moose. She was such a spaz on that trampoline. I loved when Bobby Ninja was like "Janet seems to have a problem with the trampoline...". Um, no. Janet has a problem modeling. Janet has a being boring. The tramplone is the least of her problems. Oh well, check ya laaater!
ITF: Janet aka Undefined Reba. My sister made up that name, and she couldn't be more right. Janet was a cross between Reba McEntire and Liza. She was a nice southern gal, but ho couldn't take a picture to save her cousin.
Editor's note: cousin/boyfriend. Zing!
R.I.P. girl! Hope you like working at Price Chopper!Lisa
ITF: In the end, who loses I MEAN 'wins' this competition on how to display canned emotions? None other than: LISA! Congrats. You're terrible! Her prize was having a photoshoot with like, 80's clothes and make up. It went into SEVENTEEN magazine. So, what? You don't even have to win the show to get into the magazine? That's what I'm talkin' about!
TM: I know! I hate her too! I really hope she gets eliminated; any enemy of Binaca is an enemy of mine. Lisa was working all kinds of Jackson Family circa 1980 last night. The Michael Jackson-Thriller jacket, the Jheri Curl, the cheesy emoting. The best was when she looked at that skating rink and was like "it's like they are trying to kill us!!"
Lisa, I am not that lucky.
ITF: She did do the classic 'roaring' face - but it worked. Ho looked fierce. This shit is brill, but yet she cries during her critique. Be yourself, babe! You're one of the best! If you slump I will kill you.Ambreal
ITF: Back at the house, you hear some singing - and not like gospel, soul or jazz singing - not even robotic pop voices. You hear Ambreal. All black girls can sing, right? Wrong! Ambreal!! If you can't bring it all the way, why do you even bother? "I try to make everyone smile." I don't know about the others, but I wouldn't smile if my ears were bleeding. I would cry - or punch you - but I couldn't. She's just so huggable!
Why did I like this picture?! It's bad - but something pulls me in! Maybe it's because I pretty much live for doing the robot. Yeah, that's it.
TM: Anyone who knows me knows that I have an intense fear of people singing sans accompanyment. When Ambreal started singing on the deck for Chantal and Saleisha, I just about shit my pants. I was fidgeting like Heather. Speaking of which...Heather
ITF: Why did they have to pick a profile picture of her - and puhleeze. They were tonnes of better pictures than THAT. Girl - you're losing me. Step it up!
TM: Making fun of Heather is like making fun of someone with Downs Syndrome. I just can't do it. I just can't say that she is an awkward moron who needs a good slapping or a barrage of verbal abuse. I just can't do it. It's too cruel.Binaca
TM: Homegirl was robbed this week. Know what would level things? A stabbing. Shank shank!
ITF: Now, I know I said last week that even though I loved her, I hated her. That's still true, but this picture was pretty friggen hot. Like, golly. I've been hankerin' to see a photo like this! Bianca, you and your no hair - you happen to surprise me like a case of herpes one week later.Chantal
TM: I know, I know. Last week I was hating. This week I am singing a different tune. Not only was she so good on the trampoline, her shot is really good. I give her 2 more weeks. My favourite was when Twiggy was like "this doesn't even look like a men's magazine!" Twiggy, have you thrown open an FHM lately? This shot is the fine line between men's magazine and that 80's fitness show that came on at 7am.
ITF: Maxim, anyone? Every photo shoot it looks like she's trying to make Jay Manuel feel attracted to her. Um, honey - that ain't gon' happen. Ever.Ebony
TM: Afraid to smile? Afraid to smile?!? YOU ARE A FUCKING MODEL!!
ITF: This is where I wanna see you, girl! You have no class, no confidence - but you rock it harder than Fergie rocked Poisideon. (How shetty was that movie - but Fergie died. A+ )Jenah
TM: Who?
ITF: You're slumpin', chile! It concerns me that I can't tell you apart from Chantal. (AND WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE TIA FROM CNTM?)
TM: oh yeah! She totally does! (minus the Kimmy Gibbler)Saleisha
ITF: She's wearing like, a one piece bathing suit and looks like she's in the HIP HOP ABS tape. Like, butch. Gargoyles aren't butch - well, they aren't human either - but if they were they wouldn't be butch.
TM: She's cute. She's sweet. She's a backstabbing rat-bitch! Did you see how fast she ratted the other girls out to Lisa? You've been warned, Tootie. Do it again, and I'll have Bobby Ninja come down there and teach you what's what.Sarah
TM: Oh my god, can we not give this girl more airtime?!? I loved that she refered to Lisa as "Debbie Downer". The only thing that would have made it better is if she made a joke about feline HIV or went m'yow m'yowwwwwwww.
ITF: Girl, you were saved by the graciousness of Tyra's hunger. She was probably like "Oooh, chilwe. I would DIE for a Swanson righ' 'bouh now." and Sarah was her best bet at getting what she desired. She's a smart lady.

TM: So what does next week have for our rag-tag gang of future Hollister shift-managers? Not much apparently. That Next Week, on ANTM gaves us nothing! Oooh, one of the models frustrates Jay Manuel. What else is new? That guy gets frustrated with all of them - it's like training cats to use a human toilet. I mean, it's possible, but it takes some serious dedication and dissaprin.
ITF: Also, they have a shoot with different atmospheres, (snow, rain, Battle Royale) and since their ratings are declining, they add a man into it! Wow! It could be like an orgy or something! I can't wait. I've set my cable timer set to remind me to watch it, not that I'll ever forget to watch.
TM: And now is a great time to wish our very adorable Intern Tylerface a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Tylerface, enjoy getting your license; you are one step closer to adulthood than I (I only have my G1 - for the Americans, that's like your Learner's Permit aka I suck at life).
See y'all next week!

Goddamned Ginger Wednesday

So, I wasn't sure if I was going to write about last night's Law & Order: SVU. let me tell you - it was a good one. Law & Order is like the VHI of dead-beat celebrity career revival. Last week it was Sabrina the Teenage Witch. This weeks guest star? Joanna Kerns aka Maggie Seaver from Growing Pains. Yeah!! She was such a bitch to DA Casey Novak. Uh...wait. On second viewing, that isn't Maggie Seaver. Shit. Get Joanna Kerns on the phone! Anyways, I realize that last week I got schooled by a bunch of hardcore SVU fans in the comments section, so I am using my get out of jail free card and not mentioning any more details of SVU. I just can't take the haterade. Actually, I can. I am just lazy. So I was picking my Ginger for today, and all signs were pointing to a Fry from Futurama post (he is a sort-of Ginger). But I am tired of doing animated Gingers. The Gingers that haunt my dreams and curse my days are real. Real, I tells ya!
So who is this week's Ginger? Oh boy, it's a good one...

Website is currently being a dick and will not let me post pictures.

Name: Chris Owen
Age: 27
Why is he famous? Two words: The Sherminator
I know this post is a little late; after all, the American-Can't-Hardly-All-That-Pie zeitgeist was about 8 years ago (shit, I'm old). But really, this guy, despite being super-duper ugly and minimally talented, he keeps getting work. This is the face of a true Ginger, people. The orange hair. The patches of hideous freckles. No eyelashes. Are you looking at his arms?!? Ew ew ew ew!! Also, he looks sort of like a squinty Mole. Or an opossum. Some kind of large rodent. Anyways, let's take inventory of all the highschool/college movies The Sherminator has been in, shall we?
Can't Hardly Wait
She's All That
American Pie
Going Greek
American Pie 2
Van Wilder
A Midsummer's Night Rave (?)
National Lampoon's Dorm Daze
American Pie Band Camp
National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2
National Lampoon's Gold Diggers
Jesus Christ, take it easy on the sperm-as-food movies. Something tells me that American Pie 8: Lil' Stiffler's Day Out isn't going to garner you an Oscar. Hell, I think we'd be over-shooting with an MTV Award. I doubt we'll even see a SpikeTV award. The closest he will come to an award is a sticker from Dr. Shapiro after he joins the No Cavity Club.
The grossest thing I found out (after doing a little detective work. I am just like Det. Benson!) was that this guy, this uggers McGinger got married this summer. EW! Who would marry this?!? It's probably the dog from Van Wilder. Thoughts?

I review last night's Hills with the sound off

Jello Fellows. Okay, so you are aware of my cable situation, correct? That I Le don't have Le Cable TV? So, I watched The Hills this morning at work on my computer. The only problem is, if I watch it with the sound on, I will get fired. And let's face it, as much as I would get fired for all of you (and really, I would) you cannot pay my rent. Additionally, I have become accustomed to quite a life of luxury, and baby dolphin feotus hair treatments and Romanian orphan silk gloves do not come cheap.
Anyways, based on what I saw (and not what I heard) here is what I think happened on The Hills last night:
Okay, so we start off with Lauren talking to Whitney at work about something. As usual, Whitney is folding and organizing clothes (ie: doing her job) and LC is sitting at her computer with a greasy ponytail (ie: as uge). Whitney is wearing a purple sweater-thing, which is pretty, but combined with that top-of-the-head bun, she is looking a little like Dear Aunt Agnes. Whitney says something and LC shoots her the cut-eyes. Cut to Main Title Sequence.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window...
It appears that this episode is titled What Goes Around...Ooh! This sounds dishy! (That's a word I learned from For Women First magazine). Audrina seems to be painting her toenails and Lauren walks in the livingroom. They seem to be staring blankly at eachother alot. Now Lauren is talking/preaching about something, and Audrina keeps giving her bitchface. They both smile, and it cuts to LA traffic.
Okay, so now Lauren and Lo/Cyclops are shopping at a boutique. They are staring blankly at eachother alot, and the odd time Lo will give LC a handfull of cut-eye. Ooh! Now LC just gave the cut-eye! They hug, and it cuts to a transit bus.
Alright, now we are in Bolthouse Offices with Brent Bolthouse and Heidi. It appears they are having some kind of meeting. Brent looks rough. They both look pissed; something is up. Brent is shaking his head, this can't be good. Heidi gets up to leave, and Brent picks up the phone. Maybe he is having Security escort her out of the building. Oh well.
Now we cut to Lulu's Cafe, where a dirty tranny hooker is adding SugarTwin to her Iced Tea. Oh wait, that's Jen Bunney. Honest mistake. OH SHIT, IT'S LC!! What the hell is she doing here?!? LC smiles at Jen. Whaa? Okay, so they are playing with their hair and sort of shifty-eye looking around. Boring! Ugh, this is taking forever. Something tells me I am missing some important dialogue.
We cut for commerical and come back with Audrina folding laundry (probably Justin-Bobby's). Lauren comes in and flops down on the couch. Yap yap yap, they are chatting. Maybe about the Jen Bunney lunch, maybe about the fact that Audrina can never look at a camera straight-on (have you noticed this? It's like "what are you looking at up there?").
We cut again to Heidi, and this time she is at her house fakely putting on make-up. Her acting is so bad, I feel like I am watching a Barbie commercial. Spencer is sitting on their bed, and his hair is surprisingly high. Kid n' Play high, if you will. They are scowling alot at eachother. Wha? We just cut to Venice Bistro and Audrina playing pool. No! I want more Heidi and Spencer scowls! Oh shit, it's Justin-Bobby. What a turd sandwich. Hot, but a turd sandwich. They are chatting and playing pool. Fuck, this show is boring without sound. I feel bad for the deaf. They are scowling a bit. Maybe they are breaking up? I doubt it; homegirl is dicknotized. Oh wait, that's a hug. They seem to be happy again.
We now move on to LC meeting Brody for dinner. Lots of laughing. Hahaha! They just did a semi-wide shot, and there is no one in the restaurant. Scripted much? Uh oh, now they are scowling at eachother. Something is up. Ugh, he is so hot; how can she scowl at that? SO what if he made up a rumour that you made a sex tape with Jason Wahler. Or that he nicknamed you Beefcurtains. Actually, that sucks. Moving on.
Back at TeenVogue! Good, I wanna see what Whitney is wearing to make up for that horrendous Little House on the Prairie outfit from before. Ooh! Good shit, Whitney! The hair...not so much. Someone needs a hair cut. So LC and Whitney seem to be doing lots of talking. I can totally predict what they are saying, too.
LC: bla bla bla Jen Bunney bla bla bla Audrina bla bla bla Justin-Bobby bla bla bla
Whitney: well...maybe if Audrina...
LC: bla bla bla Brody bla bla bla Jen Bunney
I wouldn't be surprised if they created the character of Whitney just so they didn't have hours of footage of LC talking to herself.
Whoops, now we go to Heidi and JEN BUNNEY?!? WHAT?!? Judas! Okay, before I get into the whole Heidi and Jen Bunney thing, do you not love how the door to the restaurant is barely even open and Heidi is practically snapping her neck to turn and see who it is. Heidi needs acting lessons. So they are talking, but it doesn't look good. Lots of scowling from Heidi. Whoah! She just threw out some serious bitchface! They are clearly talking about LC. So Heidi goes home and Spencer, due to some colourful editing, seems to have grown a beard overnight. They are fighting now. Excuse me, they are acting like they are fighting. And not doing a very good job. I have seen better emoting from store mannequins.
End scene.
But what does it all mean? Well, I think that the writers are finally getting around to killing off Jen Bunney. Joking! Her 15 minutes will do that. Spencer and Heidi are obvs going to break up (doye) and LC and Heidi will be friends again (doye). Lo will fianlly get the Anti-Cycloptic surgery she desperately needs (thanks Make-A-Wish!) and Whitney will keep being Whitney (ie: the only person with a brain).
PS - The Hills sucks without sound.

The Mayor to be on MTV Live tonight.

Hey Tids. If you wanna catch up with The Mayor, watch MTV Live this evening on MTV (doye) at 5:30? 6? What time does this shit come on at? Anyways, I will be answering a question from the audience. What? You didn't think MTV was scripted?
Anyways, check it out. Should be grand.

Hurl-o-ween 'tis but 2 weeks away!

It's no secret that Hallowe'en is my favourite holiday. When you spend 365 days a year eating a shitload of candy, you need a day to celebrate your life. Every year, I have trouble coming up with a good costume. Last year I tried to do Yoko Ono, but due to my extreme height and the my innate lack of, how do you say, Asian-ness, I looked more like Ned Flander's Beatnik Mom. So, I am putting the challenge out to you. Submit your ideas for The Mayor's Hallowe'en costume, and I will choose the best ones. Then, I will put up a poll on the side of the site and you can vote for your favourite. And...uh...I dunno. That's all I got. So, here are my ideas so far:
- MTV VMA's Britney Spears
- Coke-ahontas
- Amy Winehouse
- a Squirell
And that's about it. So submit your ideas in either the comment's section or email your ideas to skipraid@gmail.com. If your idea gets picked, I'll send you a present in the mail. What will the rpesent be? Love? Kindness? Some candy? Yeah, the last one.
So get those ideas in now!

Self-Promotion Moment

Hey tids. If you get bored this afternoon or weekend, check out my first ever post for BiteTV's daily blog right here.
I am the gift that keeps on giving.

It's The Mayor's Birthday Today

Another year successfully cheating death. Good job, me! (Pat on the back). I will be celebrating in style: drive-Thru at Krusty Burger and doing it twice. Jokes, I will be celebrating the best way I know how - by working! God, if you are listening, please burn down Reds Bistro and Bar before my shift tonight at 5pm. Actually, dealer's choice - burn it, have a senior drive their car into it, terrorists, what have you. I will be forever greatful and will do your work, no matter how hard or evil or gluttonous. I just don't wanna spend my birthday weekend hiding behind the bar on a milk crate reading outdated copies of US Weekly and eating SubWay. I can do that at home, thank you very much, and nobody at home will ask me (repeatedly) "um, did you shower today?"
So let's see what we can work out, okay? I don't want go to work, you don't want to hear all the blasphemy coming out of my mouth if I have to go, so really, we all win.

In other news, what song have I been listening to non-stop? The answer may surprise you. Listen to it here. It's really best to listen to it at full-volume with a neon green lazer shooting out of your hand.

America's Next Top Tranny - Cycle 9 Week 3? 4? With The Mayor and Intern Tylerface

THE MAYOR (TM): Okay, so back by popular demand is My Little Intern, Tylerface. All comments have been seperated to show who says what. I shouldn't have to do this, but how else will you tell us apart? We are both just so goddamned hilarious.

TYLERFACE (ITF): I'll just get right to it. ITS MAKEOVER WEEK!! There are some hits, misses and trainwrecks, so pay attention!

TM: I know Tylerface wants to get right to make-overs, but something needs to be said about this week's loser, Victoria: Don't let the door hit your ass, bitch!! Thank you Tyra, for putting that smug assmunch in her place. Tyra should have ripped her shoes out of her hand and beat her ass with them. Am I being too tough on Victoria? No, she'll be alright. She can waltz back to Yale and get made fun of by all the Snooty-McSnoots. Do my bidding, Snooters!! But on to her picture. Ho-lay shit, what an uggers. She should have just ran into the Cover Girl challenge and found a paper bag. Ahahah, her poses were so sleep-over! She is so boring that my eyes try to kill themselves everytime she is on camera. Also, homegirl needs to lay off the American Eagle. Little too many Perfect Fit Ts, not enough anti-bitch juice. Did you see her in judging? I thought I was gonna see Twiggy have to slap a bitch! Tylerface, go. ITF: Poor.....BITCH! See what happens when you suck at taking pictures and fuck with Twiggy? Future reference: You don't fuck with Twiggy.

TM: Agreed. Twiggy is the shit. Her and Miss J are so powerful, they could snap your neck with their minds. Like Steven Segal.

ITF: This cycle is future, right? So it's high time that Tyra went all technological on our asses in the form of a morphing picture. They take the audition picture of the girl, then put the hair on that same face; sounds cool, right? No! It looks like it's done with MS Paint! Their make overs were pretty good, though. Bianca got SHAAAAAAAAAVED. Like; dayum. Bitch looked homely. Her tears were so triumphant, though. Like "I'm not gonna cry!" tears. At first I was like "OH. MA. GAWD!" but it grew on me. TM: One word, Binaca: GORGE! She needs to work that bald-ass head of hers and ditch the wig. Makes her look she is hiding a set of nuts in her jeans.

ITF: TYRAMAIL! "Deflowered"? Somehow the girls were like "WE GOTS TO GET NAKIE!" If you saw the look on Heather's face, you woulda pissed. She was either shocked and horrified, or she was having an ASSBURGERZ moment. I couldn't tell.

TM: I missed Tyramail cause I was finishing dinner. Praise you, Sweet Baby Jesus, for Swiss Chalet! But enough of the ugly losers. Let's move on to this week's winner. Can I even call it a winner? Picture of the Week? Do we like that one better? Meh, who gives a fuck.JENAH
TM: It looks like Ken Paves made her weave from Jessica Simpson’s left-overs. I have seen a better blonde weave on the Asian girl who works the Clip-In Hair booth down at the Mall. Jenah defs got a damaged package of Ken Paves for Jessica Simpson Hair-Do clip-ins.
ITF: May I just say - ugly girl mothers ugly weave. It's terrible! Bleach blonde, and her real hair sticks out from the fake. It's bad. Like the woman on Cold Case - a rat's nest. Her picture was like, pressed up against a mossy tree. It was okay, but it didn't really do anything for me. Highlight of the evaluation: TYRA SAID "OOOH CHILEEE!"

SALEISHA
ITF: Completely dead. Terrible. Too bad you can't send two people home. Wait, why not? On CNTM they didn't kick anyone out, that week - why not do double time, Tyra? Then you can have an episode dedicated to your weave! Think, woman!
TM: Saleisha looks like a broke-ass Dorothy Hamill. No, wait, I take it back. She looks like Tootie from The Facts of Life. Tootie!!
JANET
TM: Good job picking the wrong dress in the challenge, you dumb dick. Kids, this is what happens when you suck too much dick. Makes you rull stupid. Too many d's hitting the VB (voice box) will kill more brain cells than co2 from cans of Redi-Whip.
ITF: Whats with looking like a porn star in this shoot? I really like her make-over, but this shot is like "Hey, wanna know a secret? I can take three at a time." EW! JANET! HOW DARE YOU!

SARAH
TM: She kind of has a Soccer Mom thing going on. Top Model? For Cotton Ginny, maybe. Or Talbots (Moms LOVE Talbots). She should have closed her mouth a little. And when I say "a little", I mean "a lot". Homegirl needs to lose some weight, am I right people?
ITF: Wowza. She may look like she's advertising for a porn film called "Enter My V(ag)ines", but it's good. Her face is the best I've seen it. She doesn't look like she's just shit herself!
TM: Ooh-wee, T'shane! Sarah does not look good.

LISA
TM: Too pretty, but not in a lady way. More like in a Marc Jacobs way. Sidebar: why is there a snake crawling out of her crotch?
ITF: Finally! Her face is slightly different! The totally should have dressed her up as a panda bear. Geddit? Lil' Mama pain? I mean BAMBOO?

HEATHER
TM: She looked a lot like the ravers I went to highschool with. Very dirty, very green, fake dreds. And if you are gonna do weeds, do weeds. Dress heather up like Snoop Dogg. Also, it looks like she has Assburgers of the Bum and had to take a shit in the bushes (we've all been there).
ITF: Weeds? How do you do weeds? After seeing her picture, I now know how to be a weed. It was amazing. Is there anything this girl can't do? Oh yeah, look people in the eyes

CHANTAL
TM: You would love Baby’s Breath aka White Trash Prom Hair. I felt like I was watching an episode of My Name is Earl where Joy becomes a model. Not a real episode, but it pretty much writes itself.
ITF: Oh no! She looks like a kindergarten teacher. I dunno why, but she's got that "Now I know my ABC's" look to her.

AMBREAL
TM: Her hair was Amb-really grossing me out so much. Ewww!! It was like two oily black slugs crawling across her head.
ITF: Holy poop! She went from snore to whore! I really liked the picture. It was a little weak in the face but she's got her body down to an art. She thinks she's a genius, she drives me up the wall. (Okay, fine. No Shania.)
TM: Let it be known that that was the only time Shania will ever be mentioned on The Skip-Raid.

EBONY
TM: Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twisting through a dusty land
And when she shines she really shows you all she can
Oh Rio Rio dance across the Rio Grande
ITF: Yay! My bitch wasn't in the bottom two! Even though her pic wasn't up to my 'tastes' (thought I was gonna say standards, didn't cha?) I liked it. Also, her make over makes her look HAWT.
TM: Agreed.

ITF: Next Week on ANTM, Ambreal gets scared! They go skating. Wow, strangely familiar to Canada's Next Top Model, no? Skating and jumping on a trampoline? Oh Tyra! Running out of ideas, are we? I swear! GO WITH MY BATTLE ROYALE IDEA! IT WOULD STRIKE GOLD.

TM: I think that they should have an episode where the models get to Art Direct their own shoots, pick out their own costumes, and do their own make-up. Then we can all sit-back and watch the proverbial Hindenburg that will follow. Also, you know that Heather's Assburgerz would get the best of her and she would show up to Elimination with a Polaroid of her reading or something. Also also, Saleisha should do a Facts of Life shoot with Tyra as Miss Garrett. "Girls! Giiiiiirls!!"

Guess who was on Law & Order: SVU last night?!?

That's right, Melissa Joan Hart aka Sabrina the Teenage Witch aka Clarrissa Explains it All aka The Original Wonky-eyed Blonde. Now, this shot isn't from last night's episode, this is probably from Sabrina (which I will NOT lie; I watched it every Friday night on TGIF aka Loser Night In, and she had THE WORST taste in clothing. Ew ew ew. I would have died to wake up and find that all the clothes in my closet had been replaced with the wardrobe from Sabrina).
Last night was a real good L&O:SVU. Allow me to recap:
Blonde teacher (Melissa Joan Hart) goes to the cops and says she was raped. At the same time, the rapist (her student) goes to the cops and says he was seduced! Ooh, sneaky!! Who is telling the truth?!? I'll tell you - it was Hart. She was raped by her 15-year old student who has an extreme sex addiction. He buys Prostitutes all the time (also, now is a good time to mention that on L&O, the shortform for Prostitutes is Pross. Thanks, Mariska Hargitay!)
Long story short, Melissa Joan Hart is a devout Catholic and would feel really bad sending an otherwise good kid to jail for something he has little control over. So instead of Prisone, he gets Sex-Offender Juvy for a month or something. While in there, he gets brutally beaten and raped by a guard. The Juvy Centre offers the kid $1 Million to not press charges against the super-corrupt Sex-Offender Juvy (because apparently all the inmates were getting taken down the old dirt road every night). This pissess off Melissa Joan Hart's NYFD husband, who gets all "My wife got raped, and now they are giving this kid a million dollars?!? What does my wife get?!?" and Det. Stabler is all "I know, bro...I know..." cause Christopher Meloni is TOUGH AS NAILS!!!
Oh boy, I love SVU. I normally hate CSI shows (or as I have known it to be called Redneck Science) but there is something about SVU that always leaves you feeling a little erie. Also, they usually have great guest stars: 2 weeks ago, it was Cynthia Nixon. Okay fine, they have good guest stars. Shit, you can't win em all.
Watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit every Tuesday night at 10pm on NBC

Christ on a Crutch, I'm back, and it's Ginger Tuesday!!

Wow, I am so glad to be home. Why? I missed yous skids, thats why. But also because now it is back to our regularily scheduled program of non-stop pop-culture and Television worship. I have decided to post a picture of Baby Sinclair of Dinosaurs. Also, now would be a good time to tell you that there will be no Hills post today (because MTV is lazy and gives their employees a day off for Thanksgiving. Know what I'm Thankful for? New Hills episodes and not a stupid mish-mash of old episodes).
Anyways, here is my question. Baby Sinclair is a lot of things: jerk, lil' asshole, the Baby (gotta love me). But is Baby Sinclair a Ginger? I was watching quite an extensive run of episodes this weekend with Mi Familia and I kept wondering if pink is considered Ginge. He DOES have a lot of freckles. As well, he is much paler than the rest of the family. Additionally, he is a huge dickweed, and we all know that Gingers are dickweeds. But it's not really their fault - it's in their blood. I'm sure that Baby Sinclair, while holding a frying pan aloft his father's head was thinking "I really do not want to cause my Father any brain damage, but something keeps telling me to cause irreversable harm...why? He has been nothing but kind to me!" then all of a sudden he's like "MUST...KILL...NOT THE MAMA".
Anyways, I shouldn't worry. Baby Sinclair is long dead. Well, except at Value Village, where you can buy 3 Baby Sinclair dolls and a Robbie figurine in a plastic bag for $5.99. If you ever want to really freak yourself out, walk down the toy aisle at Value Village. Ho-lay-shit, that will scare you straight (straight to the pipe). All those bags full of toys, like the goddamned Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And every doll is missing en eye or an arm and every action figure is coated in yellow crust. Don't get me started on the baby toys. And there are always so many doubles of mass-produced pop-culture toys, like Urkel dolls and Baby Sinclair plushes and Beanie Babies (um, weren't those things supposed to make everyone Millionaires?) that it looks like you stepped into a time-warped Toys R Us. Ahahaha, speaking of Value Village, I just remembered this one time when I was donating a huge bag of clothing to the Addiction Recovery Centre donations bin, and this guy ahead of me had a giant garbage bag filled with clothes, and on top of the pile was pairs of shitty underwear. I don't mean one or two stains, either. I mean someone has lost full control of their bowels and has too much pride to make the switch to Depends. It was so gross. Me and my roomate were just staring at him in disbelief. Um, sir? These clothes are going to people who have kicked the Meth and have probably seen some weird shit and sucked a lot of dick for Meth in their day, but I honestly don't think shitty underwear lines their path to recovery. Sorry to burst your "I feel good for giving back" bubble.

What I, The Mayor, am Thankful for.

Hello friends. If you are not Canadian, then this weekend might just be another weekend for you. But up here in Hoserville it's Thanksgiving. That's right; turkeys and turnips, tight-pants and turds. And since you have all been so good with me last week while I was on hiatus in Montreal, I have decided to return a day early and give you a little something to help you pass the weekend. Oh, now is also a good time to tell you that I won't be resuming regularily-scheduled Skip-Raid posts till Tuesday, cause everybody up here gets tomorrow (Monday) off. God bless the pilgrims...or whatever reason Canadian's celebrate Thanksgiving.
So pull up a chair and join me by the fire as I sit and tell of the things to which I am very thankful*
*many of these will be mentioned in my family's Grace this evening.
Taco Bell
My parent's undying lack of embarrasment of me
Ginger Hatred
dlisted
My Readers (aw, shut up, ya dumb dicks)
Sammy Stephens and the Mini-Mall Rap
The Hills
Jenn L and Alex D
Bowel movements that exit my body with little struggle
Chris D of Drugs & Poisons
People who hate Facebook
Montreal
My Intern, Tylerface
Hot mess Amanda Lepore
Tetes a Claques
Kittens
Dinosaurs Seasons 1-4 on DVD
Acne medecation
My Dog, Ellie aka Snuggle Rat
Black Tar Heroin

America's Next Top Tranny

Bonjour mon freres et souers!! I am still in Montreal (duh) and I wasn't able to watch ANTM this week. I was having dinner with my very old and very Polish-French Aunt and Uncle, so you can eat a dick. They are more important than Tyra (did I just say that?) But like I said last week, The Skip-Raid has an intern now, and here is his little post. Here is his first weekly post! I am so excited for him, and if he fucks up, I will fire his ass so hard. Joking! He works for free. Here it is! Enjoy!!

I'm Tylerface. This is my debut as an intern. Exciting? Yes! Rewarding? Yes! But the health benefits suck. I'm like one of those new sitcoms. You have to give them a run before you choose to get rid of 'em - except of course if that new sitcom is BACK TO YOU. How awful is that heap o' shet? Pretty damn awful. Kind of like this week on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!

Now, just so y'all know, I was rooting for Mila. "Crying is a waste of time!" Damn right, girl! Unfortunately though, bitch was frontin'. You could totally see the tears welling up at elimination. So, my fave goes from being called first in the first elimination, to being kicked out the next. It happened fast this cycle! Off topic! This is about the ho's of now, not the ho's of yester-year.
So, it starts off with them in the house just chillin', you know. Kimberly is walking and she's like "I come from a small town so like, I ain't done no fashion walking! Pfft! I ain't never seen a designer! What's posture?" and Bianca is all like "Girl, you be workin' it! Child, dat walk is da best I've eva seen! Keep on workin' it - girl I'm gettin' goosebumps! Dis shit is so good! Oh ma gaw, again! Do it again, girl! Yeah like dat! I'm wearin' a weave!" but then in confessional she says: "That was the shittiest walk I've ever seen." TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF MEAN GIRLS (is Lindsay Lohan still in rehab?) So, then they get bored of filming them walking around, and I've been bored since the opening credits - but just then something lovely happens! The girls find a new pet to dress up! Heather!
I don't know if it's because of her disability, but they're all telling her how cute and fun she is and Ebony's like "Let's get you in some cute clothes, girl!" and so they make her up like a hooker and by the end she's like "Oh god, kill me now".

By now Saleisha is trippin', right? Heather might actually beat her? Saleisha ain't gon' be beaten by nobody, and especially no girl with ASSBURGERZ!
So; one TYRAMAIL reading later, the girls show up at FASHION MADHOUSE, which happens to look a lot like the old Whitby Psychiatric hospital. (DURHAM! RRREPRESENT!)
Editor's Note: Durham is The Mayor's homeland.
Miss J looks like Renee Z. in Nurse Betty. Like, there is no difference. Except Miss J is black, and has a penis. (I think? Someone test that!) The girls are told they have to runway walk in heels, wearing a straight jacket. They're all pretty terrible. Except for Janet, she seems to have it down. I think she's possibly had some practice, and I don't mean runway. I mean in wearing that jacket. Then it's over and Miss J leaves, and the girls all say bye. DILEMMA! How do they escape from the jackets?! But don't ponder about that, this is ANTM. No one dies. (Even though they should totally do an episode about Battle Royale and their photoshoot is them all killing each other. SCORE!)

After some black magic is performed, the girls are back at home and, sweet niblets there's a cat fight. Saleisha and Bianca are going at it. The whole time Ebony's kinda just sitting there like "This is lame." The original bitch is making me feel for her! She's the devil! Her powers are too strong to fight! Bianca just says "BITCH!" over and over again until Marilyn Dennis cuts her off to talk about her show. (Her face is so tight! How can she talk?) When the show returns, they have to do runway! Remember the Highschool Prom runway show last cycle? Well, that guy is doing it again. (Flashback to Jael! The waterworks! I kid, she's just too awesome.) They were all pretty boring. Victoria is like "I go to Yale." Bitch, you gonna go somewhere if you're not careful! Back to Yale! Step it up! You're one of the best! I personally thought Ebony was the best. Black girls pull off gold so well. Heather did good...for Heather.

Afterwards, the Asian lady picks a winner. SALEISHA?! Bitch, you best be kiddin' me. Ugh. So, she wins a trip to Paris to be in a fashion show. Good riddance! Leave! Like, right now! Please! You're lame! I hope you trip and fall!
TYRAMAIL! They have to do a photoshoot which is like, editorial but rock climbing? (lame) and they're all just like "Um, okay!" Jay Manuel is like, "Girls! I think you'll remember this photographer who shot some of Tyra's early stuff!" and then he comes in and is like "HEY LADIEZ." and they just kinda giggle as if to say "I don't know you but I can't let them know that." (YOU CAN'T HIDE!) They all do their 'best'. Victoria looks nervous! Jay asks "How do you feel up there?" to which she replies "Kind of like a sea nymph on acid."
Excuse me.. but...WHAT?

I don't even have anything clever to say!
They all do their thing, and have heartfelt chats about life and how good it is - only to be ruined by the fact that SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE! (Trust me. Now it seems 100 times more exciting.)
At panel, Tyra is talking in some lame French accent, (hitting close to home, Mayor? You betcho bottom dolla.) But I can't get over how smart Tyra is. Just read.

"Why am I talking France?"
This is why Tyra is a model.

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER!

Jenah
I though it was good, but her teeth! Oh my God, her teeth! I can't get over them - they're like a beaver's. I wonder if she's a lesbian. (...beavers?)

Heather
Ho is workin' it! Look at her. For someone who can't look people in the eyes, this shit is off the wall!