Happy Last Day o' 2007!

I wasn't sure what to do today as I should be preparing for a super fun New Years Eve. Me and a bunch of friends are going to make sandwiches with a panini press(thanks Jordan!) and waffles with a waffle iron (thanks Santa!) and we might go sledding on Crazy Carpets (if I can get my ass to the hardware store to buy a few). Anyways, I sometimes get emails asking about myself. I haven't ever posted a picture of myself and not much is known about me and my real name, which I like. Sorry, but I loves me some privacy. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like you (unless you are a paraplegic, in which case I'm sorry you need a bit of help putting on pants). So I found this little infographic over on Lesley Arfin's blog and I thought I would fill it out. Enjoy, and see you in the new year!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Bluey

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Peanutbutter-Chocolate Peanutbutter

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
A-Dav

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Yello Seal

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Margaret Toronto

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Daval

7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Black Diet Soda

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Al Dale

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Amazing Grace Skittles

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names )
Margaret Edward

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Drewell Detroit

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Halloween Narcissus

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Cherry Tightsie

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Clementine Cedar

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: ("The" + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + "Tour")
The Printmaking Snow Tour

TGIF-U

Hey there chaps and chapsticks. I was browsing around my files and realized that this will be my 299th post on The Skip-Raid. That's a pretty big accomplishment for me, seing as I quit most anything I do. This is like the Little Blog that Could. Or maybe just the Little Blog that Filled...time when I was out of work. That actually makes a little more sense. Anyways, its a labour of love and bla bla bla I love alls you skids. Moving on, we are really getting down the wire here with the year 2007. That's right, we have like 3 days left till I start finally writing 07 on cheques. So, in honour of the new year, I spoke to a couple of friends and asked what their predictions or hopes for the New Year is. More will be added as they come in.

Joe Mathlete
Word up. Here is my prediction for 2008: Spiders. A ton of them. To go into further detail would serve only to alarm unnecessarily... There is nothing we can do.

Jennifer Shiman
My prediction for 2008 is that rubber hotpants will be the next big thing.

Lesley Arfin
In 2008 I hope I always have a book of stamps in my pocketbook. I hope my hair grows. I hope I get to play Rock Band with my secret crush (tonight).

The Mayor
I am going to take French lessons and I want to learn how to cable knit (it's so hard!!) I am also going to try to interview Amy Sedaris.

5 minutes with The Mayor

Welcome back! I certainly hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannuka, Krazy Kwanzaa, and a solemn and dignified Ramadan. I am sort-of back, but Christmas is always weird because you get like 2 days off, back to work for 2, 4 days off, back to work for 3, so this week will be a little off-kilter. My Christmas was great; no fruitcake and no unwanted pregnancies. I had a lot of fun with my 2 cousins (yep, I only have 2 1st cousins) and ate a shitload of cabbage. That's what you do when you are Polish: 8 kinds of cabbage and midnight mass. Thank 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus that we don't do midnight mass. We do A Christmas Story instead. But enough about that old chestnut. Now, my cousins showed me this video Christmas Day and made me wish I hadn't done my 2007 Best Of lists, because I love this more than Chongalicious. Ow, my heart broke a little saying that. Anyways, it is amazing. Maybe I am partial to Bollywood and Hindi-Pop (although I am as white as cocaine and Corn Pops) but this song is FUCKING GREAT.

I just wish I could find a clip of the Bollywood movie Apu watches when he lives with the Simpsons (la la la la la, I'm in love with lovely Johnny)

The Mayor's Christmas Memories

Friends, how are we today? Good. Very good. I am having a lovely day at work (let's not get into that, shall we?) and hopefully I will get to leave early for good behaviour. But you know I am gonna pull rank and haul-ass outta here at 2pm. I hope (fingers crossed!)
Anyways, enough about my bitching. The real hero today is Jesus. Sike! It's all the tards like me who have to work on Christmas Eve Day! I salute you, O' losers of the world. Jesus gets to sit in his hot tub filled with Champagne and presents today. So I wasn't sure how I would handle today, since I will be going on a mini-vacation (so don't visit the Skip-Raid tomorrow, the 26, 27, or 28) and I wanted to leave you with something good. So, here it is: my favourite Christmas memories. PS - many of my favourite Chistmas memories are movies, so yeah. Just deal with the fact that my life is Television and Hollywood, okay?

1. A Christmas Story
I would like to stress right now that I did not jump on the Christmas Story bandwagon 3 years ago like many people. I was watching this movie every Christmas since I was 3. Do you understand how many times I would talk about A Christmas Story and people would go "the one with Tiny Tim? That's called A Christmas Carol". Anyways, I am off topic. Contrary to my friend Tina, A Christmas Story fucking rocks. You hear me? I can probably recite the whole movie backwards and front and will never get sick of Ralphie going "a crummy commercial? Son of a bitch..." or " I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty". Shit, I want to watch it right now.
ps - I chose the clip above because my parents have yet to get used to my near-constant swearing, so every time I or my sister says 'fuck', our parents look at us exactly like Ralphie's dad.

2. Getting a My Pet Monster Christmas morning
One Christmas, I think I was about 4 or 5, I asked for a giant My Pet Monster doll. You know, the one with the orange handcuffs that broke apart? Anyways, that's all I wanted. Sure enough, Christmas morning comes and I get a My Pet Monster, and I am scared shitless of it. The thing is the same size as me and it looks like it will eat my face. My parents have a picture of me backing up on the stairs away from it. If I can find it, I will post it.


3. Christmas Vacation
"Hallelujah, holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

4. Gingerbread
I love molasses and I love ginger. I love gingerbread, ginger boys and girls, gingersnaps, Pfeifernussen. Everything.

5. Sleepovers with my sister
My sister will kill me for saying this, but every Christmas we sleep in the same bed. We, in essence, have a sleep over. To make this even gayer, I usually wear my Christmas nightgown; a floor-length pink cotton gown trimmed in red stiching and red buttons. The worst part? I got it at a Goodwill for $1

6. The Santa Claus
Make fun all you want, you bastards, but this movie is funny.


7. Crank that Santa Claus
Soulja Boy is to 2007 what Lou Bega was to 1999.

8. Putting ribbons on my dog
Every Christmas morning, we take ribbons from the presents and wrap them around the dog's neck. Then we stare into her extremely sad eyes and deny her the ability to take them off. One day, the dog will kill us. Untill then...

That's it for now, tids! Till next time, have a holly jolly Christmas and enjoy yourselves! Peace out, and I love you all! What? Sorry.

Year End Review Week Part 4

Welcome back, Amigos. How goes it for you today? For me, pretty good, I suppose. Didn't have time to shower this morning, so I sort of look like that Nick Nolte mugshot. Yeah, moving on. Today I am going to nerd myself right out as we take a look at the Skip-Raid's...
FAVOURITE 8 WEBSITES OF 2007

8. Drugs & Poisons
Ever wanted to know about a drug or a toxin, but felt far too stupid to open a science journal? Me too, that's why I visit this site. It explains in plain english what you are taking (or what you would like to mix with Kahlua to get fucking wasted) and is sometimes very funny and is always charming.

7. Vice
I am far too lazy to go and pick up a free magazine, so I am glad they started putting all the magazine content online. Thank you for encouraging me to stay in my house.

6. Craigslist
Yes, I used to use this site for buying and selling, but now I like to read the Rants and Raves and the Missed Connections. I also like to read people's resumes and see what pets are being sold. I think I need a life.

5. College Humor
I have a crush on Amir Blumenfeld. And Streeter. Aw fuck it, I have a crush on every boy (you made me go there).

4. Cracked
Sadly, this year saw the death of Cracked magazine. Too bad, it was actually good. Like MAD, but not...you know...punny. So I was very happy to see the website flourish into the blossoming teenager it has become. What? It updates every day with a new list - I need to stress that, many of the articles are in list-form, but all of them are funny, so don't worry.

3. Cute Overload
I need to thank my friend Heema for introducing me to Cute Overload. I could honestly be having the worst day at work or whatever, or a homeless man could spit on me, or I could get diarrheah in Barnes & Noble, and then spend 3 minutes on Cute Overload and everything is all better. Oh shit, I have turned into Cathy!

2. Joe Mathlete Explains today's Marmaduke
This year I was lucky enough to cultivate a small internet-based friendship with Joe Mathlete, which is nice because you can never have too many friends (internet-based or otherwise). So I am so so ashamed that I didn't place Marmaduke Explained at the top spot. I'm sorry, homebraw! (Sometimes I like to pretend I am a frat boy. Mostly for the time I can spend sitting in my underwear watching TV). Okay, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the whole idea is that Joe M explains the jokes from your dauly Marmaduke. If you don't already visit this site on a daily basis, I urge you to start.

1. Dlisted
If Michael K wasn't gay, I would marry his ass in a second. But sadly, he is a big fat flaming homo (while not actually being fat) and I don't think he would go for me. Sadly, I look too much like a lady. I think he may be my kindred spirit; not many things make me actually laugh, but he does every single day. Plus, he updates every 10 minutes. I know, I seriously visit his site almost 90 times a day. And I know that you may be leery of gossip sites (like the ever-lame Perez Hilton) but he is effing funny about it. He hates everyone, and I love that. Plus he posts fun stories about white trash and Japanese people and stuff. Even Fred Armisen gave him a shout-out (and Fred Armisen is the best).
For being a hot slut, I salute you Michael K!

HONOURABLE MENTIONS
oiseau design, Tyland, The Superficial, Wikipedia, What Jeff Killed

Year End Review Week Part 3

Bonjourrno, friends! Okay, so with day three in my 4-part series of year end awesomeness already under way, I am mucho pleased-o to give you my favourite movies for 2007. It was super hard picking the best as all movies were...aw, just kidding! It was easy as hell 'cause most movies were steaming piles of catshit this year. Next year isn't looking so good either, so let's take 5 minutes to revel in movies that didn't eat my ass with a spoon (what am I, 12 years old?)
Let's get ready to rumble with my FAVOURITE 7 MOVIES OF 2007!

7. GONE BABY GONE
This movie was great for two reasons:
1. Ben Affleck behind the camera
2. Casey Affleck
Also, plot, story, acting, Ed Harris, bla bla bla.

6. HAIRSPRAY
Honestly, if you have seen Hairspray and hated it, then by all means, make fun of this choice. But if you haven't seen it yet and you are bold enough to make a comment about how gay it was or something, then you can go fuck yourself. Hairspray was so.fucking.fun. It got a little lame at times (read: nearly every scene with Zach 'Highschool Musical' Efron) but otherwise it was a very sweet, very well-acted, musical. And people, I HATE musicals. So this is coming from someone who could give two shits about seeing Wicked or anything with that goddamned Kristin Chenoweth. Even my kid sister liked Hairspray, and she hates nearly everything (including babies. Who hates babies?!?)

5. HOT FUZZ
I shouldn't have to explain why this movie was great. All I will say is, like Shaun of the Dead, I could watch this movie 5 times in a row, and never get sick of it. You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off down the model village.

4. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
I know what you are thinking: "Stop pandering to the art-haus crowd!" Um, no. No Country was bad-ass. So effing bad-ass. How can you go wrong? Drugs, early 1980s, a fuckload of people die at the hands of Javier Bardem (I totally just got a lady boner). Plus it's the Cohen Brothers, who are notorious Awesome Dudes. I mean, it's no Lebowski, but it is pretty damn close to my second favourite Cohen Brothers movie (sorry O Brother Where Art Though? Take a lap).

3. EASTERN PROMISES
Want a movie that is twice as bad-ass as No Country, but also has a fit-as-hell Viggo Mortenson fighting naked in a steam room? You don't, you say? Pfft, as if, you liar. I sat through this movie and every 5 minutes I was going "Oh fuck...this isn't going to go well...Oh fuck! Oh fuck!" There are so many Russian Mafia fights and near-deaths for babies and ladies and shit. Holy crap, this movie is so good. It is nominated for 3 Golden Globes, and I sincerely hope it wins one. It was so good, I would be willing to get a tattoo on my knuckles that said "I fucked Kirill". Just kidding, I already have one.

2. WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY
This movie hasn't even come out yet, and I am already billing it as one of my favourites for the year. Why? 3 words: John C. Reilly's penis. You totes get to see it! Well, I assume it is his. Judd Apatow said that you see someone's penis in Walk Hard. Yikes, it could be Chris Parnell. Meh, that wouldn't be so bad. Anyways, I am mad pumped for this movie. I am really hoping for a scene as cute as Reese Witherspoon and Wah-keem Pheonix singing Time's a Wastin' in Walk The Line.
Now I've got arms, and I've got arms. Let's get together and use those arms...

1. SUPERBAD
Goddamn shit on a motherfucking stick, how awesome was this movie? Albeit that anything Judd Apatow or Michael Cera touches turns to gold (I could easily make a joke about me having sex with them and my crotch turning to gold, but you know what? It's Christmas and I am just too demure and classy to go there this month. Wait till January...)
Anyways, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Superbad is effing great. I was so excited when Fogell had sex for the first time. I was like "yeah, McLovin! Your penis is totally inside!!"

Year End Review Week Part 2

Hey there friends! Welcome to Part 2 of my week-long crapfest where I give you the ins and outs of my favourites of the year. And, of course, today is one of my favourites. Yesterday I did the best of YouTube. Today, its...
FAVOURITE 7 TELEVISION SHOWS OF 2007
Aw jeah, let's get this started. Some of the choices may seem a little strange, but I chose them based on the following: programming quality, acting and talent, script continui...kidding! I chose the ones I watch every damn week (doye). So they may not be 'the best' per se, but they are the shows that are too good to miss.
SPOILER ALERT! There will be no Lost or Ugly Betty on this list. Sorry.

7. Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Holy crap, how much are you in love with Tim and Eric? I secretly wish they would get married and adopt some babies, so I can have my very own Angelina and Brad. Also, I wonder what potlucks are like at their house? It would be like an ex-boyfriend reunion for me (boyfriends I have relationships solely in my mind with, of course): David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, John C. Reilly. Its really no secret I love Johnny C: the man is amazing. He can do serious actor shit, like Magnolia (which was actually not as douchey as I thought it would be: I highly reccomend it) and then go to retarded shit like Tim and Eric or Talladega Nights. Shake and Bake!

6. Meerkat Manor
Now, I know I am entering into the whole Meerkat Manor a little late, but I didn't have the discovery channel before, so I missed out. Well, thank you TVO (to the American readers, TVO is like Ontario's PBS, but actually shows some really great programming and isn't constantly asking you to donate money). Now I can finally catch up with Flower and her family and all the ins and outs of being a meerkat. Yes, it's about the kind of animal Timon was in The Lion King. And did I mention its a soap opera? Yeah. With meerkats. Fuck you, its awesome!


5. To Catch a Predator
Nope, this isn't meant to be ironic; I actually love this show. It's like a terrifying love-child between Law & Order: SVU and Punk'd. If you have never seen it, the premise is this: Chris Hansen gets one of his NBC staff members/lady cop/anyone with an hour to kill and gets them to pose on MySpace and Facebook as a 15 year old girl trolling for love. Then the perverts come out of the woodwork and try to court her. She invites one of them to her house under the guise that they will drink Zimas and have sex. Okay, so the guy comes over to the "house" (a house NBC has rented) and the girl is all like "Hi Juan, come in! I want to change into a bikini so we can go in the hot tub...make yourself comfortable in the kitchen". So he goes in to ice those Zimas and guess who is waiting for him? Chris Hansen with a dozen or so cameramen and cops. Burn! Then the guy is all like "uh...I didn't know she was only 15...we are just friends...I came over to give her a ride to the mall!" and then Chris Hansen will pull out the emails and read them out loud, and the pedo will run for the door where he will then be tazered by the cops waiting outside. Yes, I honestly never get sick of this.
Also, I totally could have posted an actual To Catch a Predator video, but this parody is better.

4. America's Next Top Model
Obvies! How could I leave out Tyra and her massive wig-of-death?!? While I totally ditched The Hills (which sadly, did not make this list) I could never ditch ANTM. Why? Because ANTM still has a shred of reality to it. And while this season (9)was the absolute dumps, I still totally watched it every damn week. Oh, PS - did you hear that Saleisha was in national ads and commercials before ANTM? Uh oh, scandal! I can't wait for CNTM and AusNTM (hahaha, that looks like Autism) to start. Need to fill the void! Also, RIP Twiggy. We will miss you! Have fun working...for...uh...? I can predict that once the ANTM funds start running low, we will see Twiggy in a Tesco ad or two.


3. Paula's Home Cooking
I refuse to call Paula's Home Cooking a guilty pleasure. I am not guilty about LOVING this show. Paula Deen is nicknamed the Queen of Southern Cuisine, but I will nickname her the Queen of Absolute Laziness. The woman gets paid to open boxes of Betty Crocker and call it a recipe. I mean, all of her recipes are like the following:
Easy Squeezy Peanut Butter Brownie Pie
1 Box Betty Crocker brownie mix
1 bottle caramel syrup
1/2 cup melted peanut butter
Step 1: Bake the brownies according to the directions
Step 2: When cool, squeeze caramel syrup over the brownies
Step 3: Drizzle with peanut butter
Step 4: "sample" it
Paula always "samples" her recipes, but it looks less like a 'sample' and more like David Blaine at a buffet after 2 weeks without food. She also has her son on the show quite often, who is sort of a severe Texas hottie, but is also sort of a douchebag. In the clip above, they are mowing down on fajitas or something (it probably came from a box of Old El Paso). I would say this clip sums up every single episode ever. Also also, she pronounces 'oil' like 'aw-yall', and I like that. Respect, Paula Deen.

2. Law & Order: SVU
This is a no-brainer, you all know I love this show. But can I talk about injustice for a second? Law & Order: SVU was totally shut out of the Emmy nominations this year. I know, I'll let you sit on that for a second. Alright, I will agree that some of the episodes have been a little far-fetched (read: fucking lame) in recent weeks. Let me see if I can think of one off the top of my head...hmm...oh yeah, the retarded Second Life episode. Or maybe the Copycat comic book killers (although that ending was boss hog). Or what about the time Stabler's wife got into the car crash and she was pretty much dead (along with her unborn child!) and then she miraculously survives the crash and the baby is fine? What the hell?! That wife was a beeyotch and dead weight; they could have killed her off and no-one would be wiser. Pfft, whatever. As long as Christopher Meloni stays, and Ice T keeps being smarmy with white people, and his ho of a wife Coco keeps making guest appearances, I will watch this till I go blind.


1. 30 Rock
I honestly shouldn't have to explain why this is on the list. This is the best show on television right now. Watch it watch it watch it!

Year End Review Week Starts Now!

Okay, so being the copycat that I am (copycat / just too damn lazy to think of anything original) I am doing a year-end round up of my favourite things. Today I am choosing to focus in on You Tube Video Parodies! Oh yeah, like no one has done this to death, right? Anyways, some you might have seen before and some may be new, but all of them are gems. So sit back and take a watch at The Skip-Raid's...
FAVOURITE 6 YOU TUBE PARODY VIDEOS OF 2007

6. Crank That (Kosher Boy)
(parody of Soulja Boy)

Okay, I know what you are saying: this isn't drop-trou funny. And I wholeheartedly agree. I really only like it for the repeated "Now all my JOOOOOOOOOOOOS" repeat. Meh, it's worth a watch.

5. Dove Evolution parody

The payoff is definatley at the end. Ugh, how much did I hate that stupid Dove ad. It's like, Um, yeah. Everybody knows that ads are airbrushed to shit. I also loved that the people who went most cuckoo for cocoapuffs were ugly girls. They're like "Yeah! Validate our hideousness, Dove!" Anyways, this is pretty good.

4. Brains
(parody of Shoes)

Honestly, you can't do better than The Liam Show's Shoes, but Brains comes fairly close. I say "fairly" not "extremely". Keep that in mind.

3. David Blaine Street Magic Parody

I wish this was a song parody, but it's not. David Blaine is a magician, not a singer. But this David Blaine parody knocks the socks off that shitty Cheez-Its commercial. This is where I tell the American readers that in Canada they had stupid David Blaine parodies to promote crackers but then I would bore you all to death.

2. Slutz
(parody of Bratz)

I have been referring to Bratz as Slutz for years now, so you can imagine my excitement when I found this. My only issue is that the "girls" in it haven't seen 35 in about 5 years, and I'm pretty sure one of them is the fat one (I know, Natalie) from The Facts of Life. But it's still totally funny. Funny, and extremely disturbing; like, 4 year old girls actually play with those dolls, eh? That's fucked.

1. Chongalicious
(parody of Fergie's Fergalicious)

I knew I couldn't do a YouTube roundup without mentioning Chongalicious. Everything about this video is great: low-ass budget, blatant stereotyping, accurate portrayal of the Latino community. When you watch this you also totally get the feeling that these two girls have been BFFs since there have been BFFs. Nice. Also, very very funny. And catchy (I caught myself listening to Chongalicious while writing this).

This melted my icy cold heart!

Oh my god people, it is not often that I read something and do something other than roll my eyes and call bullshit, but this is seriously the cutest story I have ever read. I actually started to cry a little, which probably says less about my stunning lack of emotions and more about a possible hormore imbalance. In either case, I better get my ass to the doctor because I can't be pregnant; if I am, that baby will be the poster child for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and a little something I call the "Time for Crack Shakes". Anyways, read it here. Its a Best-of-Craigslist for good reason.

Happy Friday!

What's crap-a-lappin? Not much? Glad to hear it. This week, I won't torment you with the thought of another BiteTV article (as I, um...sort of didn't write one this week). So instead, I found a very charming article over at Cracked.com titled 10 Classic Toys (and why they suck). Also, in lieu of pretty much every other webblog out there (Joe Mathlete, The AV Club, Cat Fancy Monthly Online) I will be doing a few top 5 or 10 lists next week. I haven't decided between the numbers yet, but in all likelihood, they will range from Top 3 to Top Whatever-I-Feel-Like. I already have a few lined up, and I'm thinking one might be too vulgar, so I am not sure if I will do it or not. Meh, that's for the weekend to decide. And, because it's Christmas, I have decided to include one of my favourite SNL Christmas videos.
Christmas Time for the Jews
By Robert Smigel
Sung by Darlene Love
Original Airdate: December 17, 2005

In the words of Teen Girl Squad: It's Over!

Oh, you know I brought back my Miss J for this week's round-up: Intern Tylerface!!
Okay, last night I was discussing with my waxer (yes, I need waxing at such frequent intervals that I have a regular waxer. I am, how you say, like Chewbacca) that ANTM dropped the boat on the Welcome Back, Kotter episode where all the models come back and they do a bit of a re-cap episode. Additionally, we both noticed that the season finale was oddly missing an hour (2 hours down to one). To which my waxer said “its obvious why they fast-tracked to the finale; nobody gives a shit who wins”. Touche!
Anyways, how lame was that runway show? Let’s go to Tyler for his thoughts, which sum it up much better than mine.

Intern Tylerface: The runway show was horrible! It went a little something like this.
"NOW ENTERING TYRA BANKS!"
Oh, and by the way - there's nobody watching this as it happens).
So, crickets - and the two remaining are like, "Wow! This is my dream! It's coming true!" Your dream is to be walking a long runway with nobody watching except Tyra Banks, who is probably thinking about lunch? Yeah, no. But I have a bone to pick with that little ho named Ms. Banks.

Jenah may have been frontin' a lil', but seriously. Didn't her mother leave the family when she was young or something? Like, give her a break. Chantal was like "I wouldn't like my sisters looking up to her." and Jenah like, started yelling and then burst into tears. Now, Tyra was supportive of her and was like "GIRL YOU FOUND YOURSELF ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL!" but then she's like, "Haha. You suck, bitch!" and kicked her out! I'm like, WTF! So, I'm pissed and really don't care who wins now, and although I'll watch cycle 10, I've like, lost all respect for the show. Damn you, Tyra. Damn you to a Swanson TV Dinnerless hell!

The Mayor: She kicked her out because Tyra doesn’t want someone with a more rags-to-riches story than her. Although I am not too sure what that story may be. Also, Jenha was an ugly piece of shit. She was a huge case of pretty on the outside; homegirl acted like they should be kissing her ass everytime she showed up to a photoshoot. That’s not how it works, Jenah!

Intern Tylerface: Chantal and Saleisha. Wow. Snore. Saleisha walks it like she's struttin' it in the streets of New York like, "Hey girl! Look at dese new pumps I gets from Payless!" but yet she's wearing a huge high fashion dress. Chantal on the other hand was thinking a little bit too much about how she really needed to shit or something, and walked like she was gonna explode - and then she tripped the stilts guy! Oh, Chantelly Belly - you make me chuckle.

The Mayor: I laughed so much when she tripped that stilts guy. You can tell he was thinking (in a horribly inaccurate Chinese accent) “I go to Chairman Mao School of Acrobatics for this? To be tripped by stupid white American girl while massive fake-haired feedbag ghetto peacocks around temple. So much dishonour-a fall upon family.”

Intern Tylerface: So, "America's Next Top Model for the win..." etc.
SALEISHA!
Wow. We didn't see that one coming. Seriously. You fuck up on the runway, and it doesn't matter if you've taken stellar photos since the beginning. You suck! But, I must say! The pictures Saleisha had for SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE or something with Tyra were really good! So, I guess I'm happy for her - but bitch better work it or I'll buss' a cap.

The Mayor: Let’s be honest here. Saleisha will do her little Seventeen shoot, her one crappy CoverGirl ad will run in Seventeen, and then we will see her doing advertisements for Lot 29. Visit it, and you will totally know what I am talking about.

See you all when CNTM debuts! Although my friend Annie claims that Australia’s Next Top Model is WAY BETTER so we may have to do that one too.

Goddamned Ginger Wednesdays (just this week, I promise)

Well, skidpants and skidpanties (ew, I am truly sorry) it is December 12. Only 12 more sleeps till Christmas Eve Day, which is my favourite day. Everything is shiny and glittery, cookies are being baked, presents are all wrapped under the tree. Or in my house, its more along the lines of the dog shedding massive ammounts of hair and Swiffering 8 times, my kid sister is busily wrapping up her own CDs as presents (because, as she claims, she "just didn't have time to go to the mall") and we are just sitting down to fried cabbage, borscht, and pickled herring. I like borscht because it turns your shit purple. It's like a rainbow! But moving on, I decided to focus this Ginger day on two people who have brought me so much continual joy. No, not Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Arthur Rankin Jr and Jules Bass aka Rankin/Bass aka Badass/Motherfuckers.
But while I love, love their work, I also have a small issue I need to take up with them. They seem to really feature the Gingers. Like, a little too much. Not sure what I'm talking about? Let's take a look at the Ginger Propaganda in the Rankin/Bass holiday repetoire, shall we?
Kris Kringle and Miss Jessica
Santa Claus is comin' to Town
Wow, where to start? Okay, first off, there is no way in Hell that Santa is a Ginger. Sorry, it would never happen. I know we are trying to teach Ginger tolerance here or something, but this is the equivalent of going "Ching Chong China, Jesus was an Asian. Deal with it". Although having Santa a Ginger is a pretty logical explanation for why he delivers presents at night and why he needs reindeer to help him fly (Gingers are notoriously bad drivers). Rankin/Bass, if you want to rape my memories of Santa, go nuts, but Mrs. Claus too? Bitch has some pale-ass skin here, and that hair is definately airing on the side of Ginge instead of Daywalker. Ew ew ew ew. It's a damn good thing Mr. and Mrs. Claus never pro-created, though. We do not need more Ginger babies!
Rudolph
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Okay, so I know Rudolph is an obvious choice, but do you understand how hard it is to find Rudolph's friend Fireball through Google image search? He is SUCH A GINGER. Rudolph tries so hard to hide his Gingerness by covering up his nose with what appears to be black, tar-y shit. Good call, hombre. Cover up your Gingerness! Nobody wants to see that shit. Additionally, Fireball was a much better flyer. You know why Santa picked Rudolph for his team? Because Gingers stick together. They are an elite group. Is Clarice a Ginger too? I am going to say yes. I think she is. Gingers are assholes; they want to be included with all our stuff, but then they only stick together, speaking their Ginger language (it sounds kind of like the Nell language), eating their Ginger food. Assimilate, goddamnit!
Heatmiser
The Year Without a Santa Claus
Holy shit, we aren't even trying to disguise the Ginge anymore, are we? Rankin/Bass might as well have named him Firecrotch. This is what I like to see in a Ginger character: accurate portrayal. He is a mean, selfish, jealous, snow-stealing asshole with claws and spiky teeth. Yep, sounds like every Ginger I know (sorry Erin!)
The Little Girl
The Easter Bunny is Comin' to Town
Wow, this little girl is hideous. I know she is just a plastic toy, but some on. Could we make her look any less desireable? She needs more than the Easter Bunny's help: she needs like, the Easter Bunny, Santa, Hannuka Harry, Guy Fawkes, the New Years Baby et all to repair that mangled mug.
The Leprechauns
The Leprechauns' Christmas Gold
Come on! They have their own holiday! Why do they need mine, too? Look, they get their one day a year to be money-grubbing Ginger theives; can they just leave Christmas alone? I am surprised Rankin/Bass didn't also make a Leprechauns' Hannuka Gold and Leprechauns' Ramadan Gold too. They are already stealing from one holiday, why not make it a hat-trick? I haven't seen this movie, but if anyone has, I would love to know what it is like. Well, I mean, I already know what it is like: two ugly midget Gingers rob people of their hard-earned money to satisfy their own sick, disgusting need for hoarding things of value. What I mean is, if it has any good songs in it or Burl Ives or a dancing penguin or something, then maybe I will watch it.

The Hills, the weekend, Christmas cards, innapropriet Christmas carols, and why I shouldn't own a Wii.

Good morning, turd sandwiches! How are you all this morning? Let's get right on to business, shall we? Ginger Tuesdays will be put off till tomorrow. Why? Because I have news on a bunch of other things right now. I think I should start posting on Mondays again; I just don't have enough days. Wow, I just sounded like a Cathy comic. Speaking of which, enjoy an LOLcaths:Yeah, lame. Whatever. Know whats SuperLame? The Hills last night. Uh, remember when season finale meant last fucking episode? Apparently, to MTV it means let's milk this cow till it dies, and then we will use the meat to make dogfood. Spoiler alert! Lauren goes to Paris and meets the guy of her dreams! Know how I know this? PerezHilton already published the casting notice for a "young french boy to show Lauren around Paris". Yep, sowwy! Anyways, leave you comments after the jump. Moving on, this weekend I made a gingerbread apartment building with my friends Ilana and Tina. It was good times, and if I can get a few pictures from them, I will post them (with blurred out faces of course. Which actually will look a little To Catch A Predator, eh? Also this weekend, Santa came a little early (oh my god, I can't believe I was actually about to sink so low as to make a came a little early joke involving Santa). We now have a Nintendo Wii in our house. This is a very big departure from the other system in our house, the Super Nintendo. Oh my god, that thing is a pile of shit. Just kidding! I loves me some Killer Instinct. But yeah, I need to get some other games because Wii Sports is a cruel joke. I don't like sports in real life, and I don't like sitting on my couch pretending to play them either. Also, that talking hat in Mario Party 8 is super annoying. God, don't forget that I am a super-spaz and using the Wii just adds to my horrible clumsiness and awkward, jerky movements.
Let's talk about Christmas, shall we? Only 14 days left and I am SHITTING MY PANTS WITH DELIGHT! I fucking love Christmas. Also, its not too late to get a free, custom-made Christmas card from The Mayor and I suggest you do. It will be worth..uh..somehting someday. Moving on, did you check out the Christmas Carol I wrote for BiteTV? No? Here it is, for your enjoyment. Paris Hilton's Santa Baby:

Santa Baby
Slip some Valtrex under the tree, for me
Been an awful gross whore
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the dicks to the face
Think of all the T-Mobile Sidekicks I’ve misplaced
Next year I’ll get more press than Lindsay
By showing off my mangled cooch to TMZ

Santa Baby
All the films I make really suck, I’d fuck
Anyone who saw “Pledge This”
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Any guy who spreads my ass cheeks
Will get a sore-ass dick that will itch for weeks
Santa, it burns every time I pee
I’m basically a breeding ground for STDs

Santa Baby
Trying to be less of a slut, my butt
Is pretty much a black hole
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Yeah, so I am 100% sure that the BiteTV editor isn't reading my stuff before it goes up. Come on, I am not evening alluding to anything; this is grounds for a defamation law suit or something. Oh wells! Once it is posted, it becomes the property of BiteTV and its affiliates. I'm off the hook! See you tomorrows, skids!

Happy Friday!

And what a happy Friday it is, too. Now, you have two fantasgreat Skip-raid choices, too. You could take a gander at this weeks Bite TV Blog article. Which is okay. I wrote a dirty Christmas carol about Paris Hilton. So, that's good I guess. Or, you can stay here and take a gander at a few good Craigslist Casual Encounters I found. You win either way. But you know how you can really win? With a Christmas Card from The Mayor! Click here to find out how to get one.
Aight, let's take a look at some of these shall we? Please click on the titles for the pictures. I didn't include the pics here, because you really need to see the whole ads. Don't worry; they are all SFW.

"Come Over Tonight - m4w - 29"
He says: "I'm bored and want to hang out with a cute girl. Hopefully we can make out later."
I says: Awww! He is such a cutie! I would totally email...wait a second. Is that a painting of shitty fantasy art in his apartment? Wow. Um. Yeah, on second thought...

"mmm, shrooms...26"
He says: "aren't they the greatest? if you think so and need some. let me know."
I says: Sir, while buying drugs is techinically considered a 'casual encounter', you are advertising your need to sell said drugs, which would really warrant its posting in the "for sale" section.

"Are you blk or mixed?? - m4w - 28"
He says: "I'm a blk male just one here killing time, so many fake ad's so I figure I will save myself the trouble of reading them. So if your down to earth, attractive, and child free send me a line or two, a pic would be cool also."
I says: Check out his picture! Jimi Hendrix lives! And is prejudiced against people with kids. And is lying about his age (wouldn't Hendrix be like, 60 by now?)

"Pirates III at my place tonight. Wanna Cuddle up - m4w - 31"
He says: "Want to cuddle like a pretzel and watch Pirates III on the plasma tonight. Mail me a pic and tell me a tiny bit about yourself."
I says: Okay, like this guy isn't going to chop you up into little pieces and put you in the freezer. Like, does he honestly think that some girl is sitting at home going "you know what? I could watch Pirates at home, but going to a stranger's home by myself does seem like a really safe idea..."

"A visitor needs a local friend - w4m - 27"
She says: "Hello – I’m visiting new york and will be here for a little while. I’m from eastern europe, love having fun, meeting new people. If you’re gentle, mature, like to have a new friend, and can take me around town, please send me your photo."
I says: Let's just write this without all the BS, and I think I can sum it up in 5 words. "Mail Order Bride from Russia".

"Candle party - m4ww"
He says: "Hi, i just joined a scented candle co. and have to book 5 parties in the 2 weeks. have a look at my site too. www.mygccandle.com/scentsoflife , have a home party or book party and earn free gifts for yourself or others. thanks
have a scentful holiday".
I says: Um, I don't think this fellow understands what a Casual Encounter is. Additionally, I feel bad that he fell into such an obvious get-rich-quick Pyramid Scheme.

"College guy here - m4w - 24"
He says: "My names Andrew. I love to do what ever you want, just ask. If your looking for a guy with a breast fetish then I'm your man. I'm also fun loving, educated, down to earth and know how to keep up a conversation, among other things ;-). Hope to hear from you soon. The pics I posted are not my best, but you'll have your eyes closed with enjoyment most of the time anyway."
I says: Please take a look at this guy, and then imagine he isn't looking for a girl, but for a couple of beers.
"My names Andrew. I love to drink. If your looking for a guy with a beer fetish then I'm your man. I'm also fun loving, educated, down to earth and know how to keep up a conversation, among other things (a buzz!) Hope to find some beers soon. The pics I posted are not my best, but I'll have my eyes closed with enjoyment most of the time anyway."

Peace out, homesquirels! Have a great weekend!!

America's Next Top Tranny - Cycle 9: THE FINAL 3!

Nooo! Bianca is a goner!! Cycle 9 is just like Cycle 7; two blonde hos and a black girl. Speaking of which, remember Eugenia? She was like Bianca. Oh, I miss Bianca already! Why? Why?!? Why Jenah? She is such a whiny bitch!! "I wanna go home and see my little sisters!! I miss them! Boo hoo!" Jesus Christ, how long does ANTM shoot for? 5 or 6 weeks or something? She was acting like she hasn't been home in years. Anyways, I can't dwell on the past - Bianca is gone, and I refuse to post her shot because it was so terrible. If you want to know what it looked like, go take a photo of the umbrellas in your hallway closet. Speaking of nutjobs (wait, what?) the ANTM producers need to stop letting Tyra take pictures. Hell, you can let her take pictures, but can you just limit her screen time? She was like a raving-ass lunatic. I felt so bad for the Chinese models. Imagine if you were on a shoot and some batshit-crazy Chinese photographer with 40 lbs of human hair sewed to her head was bounding around wearing (very) unflattering khakis? And she kept running up to you pounding her chest going "Hello! Zhang-Ng!! Hello! Zhang-Ng!!" Could they not teach Tyra to say a few more words than 'Hello' in Chinese? Yeah, you're right; lost cause. Tyra has a one track mind: wigs, defeating Oprah, wigs, supremacy over the contestants, wigs. Now, on to the final three.

SALEISHA
Tootie looks pretty damn fierce here. What the fuck is with the bun on the head? Twiggy was right though; you don't even notice the Great Wall in this shot. Good job, Tooters. Will she be in the final 2? I think so. I think Jenah will be gone next. Aw, what do I know? Saleisha could get the boot. At least she will have this shot to show the guy interviewing her at Forever 21. "I think I would be a great addition to the Forever 21 crew, because I am confident, and honest, and reliable. Plus, take a look at this shot! Do you have any other models working here?"
"Um yes, Saleisha, we do."
"Oh...well. Did I mention I used to work at Old Navy?"

CHANTAL
This is pretty cool. Her hair sort of looks like a giant blonde turd, though. Does anybody else see a big turd? I'm the only one? Aw, horse apples. Chantal might get eliminated next; she is just too generic. Or, as Miss J said, she looks like a Boat Model. She reminds me of that car model from the Mr. Plow episode of The Simpsons where every guy fills out a ballot to win a truck and he goes "do YOU come with the car?" and she just giggles and goes "oh, you! Tee hee hee!" That is Chantal in a nutshell.

JENAH
I was bored with you from the start, and I am still bored with you. Also, you picked out the crappiest Chinese dress. What is she, a Disney Princess? What was with that collar and the ballroom skirt? I just shook my head when I saw that.

So, next week! I think it is going to be the re-cap episode where they bring all the hos back and they sit with Tyra / Queen T and talk about the show, and then Heather will talk about how the show really helped her battle her crippling fight with Assburgers, and Sarah will be skinny or something, and Lisa will make up some story about how she is still reaching for the stars and pursuing her modeling career (when in reality she is probably crying every day in the shower like Tobias Funke).
So who will be the final 2? I am going to put my money on Chantal (for sure) and Saleisha (50/50). Leave your predictions afterr the jump!

Write to The Mayor! She'll write you back!

Good morning, friendsters! Come, sit by the fire with me for a moment. Whilst putting more lights on my already small and frail Christmas Tree, I had a thought; what if there was one time in the year when I, The Mayor, would stop being a fucking asshole. Children, that time is Christmas. Christmas makes me such a softie; last night I put up my Playmobil nativity Scene, complete with tiny baby Jesus and tiny 3 Wise Men (aka tiny Plastic Terrorists; 2 out of three look like Osama). Additionally, I watched Elf and wrapped presents. And while the best way to spready Christmas cheer is to sing out loud for all to hear, I am not a singer. It's the lowest form of communication. But I thought there must be some way I can spread Christmas cheer. And there is! Take a look below!"But what does a shitty drawing of Santa and a poorly decorated cactus have to do with anything" you might ask? Well, in the spirit of my good internet friend Joe Mathlete, I am proposing this: send me your address and I will mail you a HAND DRAWN CUSTOM CHRISTMAS CARD by yours truly. That's right. The best part? It is 100% FREE! It's just my way of saying thanks for reading all year. Email me your address, and in 5-7 days you will have a real piece of art/trash that you can put on your mantle. Feel free to add any details like "please have a picture of me riding a dolphin dressed like Santa". Although that is probably the gayest thing I could make up, so don't write that. Also, it is the time of year where we stop acting like nards for 30 days, so all I ask in return for this FREE HAND DRAWN CUSTOM CHRISTMAS CARD is that you donate some money to your local food bank or shelter. K? Cools? Here are the deets to make sure you snag your own HAND DRAWN CUSTOM CHRISTMAS CARD:

Send your name and full mailing address to skipraid@gmail.com with 'Christmas Card' in the subject line. Write a tiny little blurb about what you would like on the card, or if you would just like something random, leave that blank. Also, now is a good time to mention that if you have parents or kids who can read in your house, please mention 'no swears or drawings of penises' because you never know what kind of mood I am in and whether or not I will send you a card with 10 Penises-a-Leaping.

Ginger Tuesday

Hello friends! How are you all this week? Good weekend? Go on - respond to my questions. Talk to your computer. Fuck, sorry, I am lamesville thismorning. Why? I just ate an Egg McMuffin and Hashbrowns from McDonalds and I am ready for seepy-time. You know what's best? McDonalds breakfast and then sleeping on the couch with That's So Raven playing in the background. Holla! You know what else is good? Getting an extra hashbrown and putting inside the Egg McMuffin (or Sausage McMuffin, if you will). My friend Chris taught me that. I am forever indebted to him. Alright, moving on. Today's Featured Ginger was a tough one, because (sadly) there is an unending list of famous Gingers and I can barely narrow them down week afetr week. This week, I was considering Disney Gingers: Ariel, Jessica Rabbit, Peter Pan, uh...Copper from The Fox and the Hound. See what I mean? It gets lame, fast. I was also thinking about Lois Griffin, but she isn't really a Ginger. So until I can find some serious Gingers (Kathy Griffin doesn't count - she is a fake Ginge) I have decided to find a couple of pictures of real Gingers.
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE NSFW (not safe for work), NSFE (not safe for eyes), NSFTWJAB (not safe for those who just ate breakfast).

Ew ew ew. This kid is so sick. Right here is the perfect example of a Ginger if I have ever seen one. You know how people say "that's a face only a mother could love"? I'm sorry, but what mother (asides from a Ginger herself) could love this face? This is a face for radio. Wait, I take that back. This is a face for years spent wearing a ski mask. Take a good look at the eyelashes though. Yeah, did you barf a little in your mouth too? Oh my God, it's only going to get worse for this kid. Highschool is going to be a nightmare.

This kid looks kind of like this Ginger that I went to Elementary School with. His name was Jesse Hegland, and he was a foster kid. He wasn't like a normal foster kid who stole and smoked and slashed teacher's tires and shit. He was actually pretty well-liked and people thought he was funny. He was usually sassing our teacher. Anyways, one time our teacher, a massive Hippie, got so tired of his smart mouth that he broke and yelled at him "you're such a screw up!" (or something to that nature) and Jesse goes "I know!" and starts crying. Yeah, can you imagine how awkward this was for our grade 4 class? Anyways, long story short, watching a Ginger cry is less "sad", more "gross". I wonder where he is now (prison?).

That hair is such a mess. Also, what is it with Gingers and wearing purple? Jesus Christ, you're not a Power Ranger.

Whaaa? A whole family, eh? Let me put money on the following things that are probably true about this family:
- the dad is a heavy smoker.
- the mom is a heavy drinker (and, by the looks of it, a heavy eater too).
- the daughter's name is Chyanne or Brandy and her dream is to one day graduate Junior High and become a model at car shows.
- the son, who's name is probably Lance or Richard, gets really bad grades in school and was recently suspended for biting a teacher.

I saved the best for last, as its not often you get a Ginger that would still look hideous even if you dyed their hair brown or blonde. Both of these kids are pretty tragic, that's for damn sure. I am not even sure to say about these two; like, you know how cruel I can be sometimes, and these are just kids. Shit, they are real too. Its one thing to make fun of a character from television...aw, fuck it. That girl needs to apply for Extreme Makeover, stat. No, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They need to level her and rebuild from the ground up. And the little boy? Proof that not all babies are cute. His mom should have seriously considered baby-switching at the hospital.

Aw cripes, I am so going to Hell.