Oh fuck.

Remember when Thursdays was all about Turd-lebrity Gossip? Well, I have sat idly-by for too long. Apparently, there is this girl, Britney Spears, and she... never mind. It's too early for me to pretend I don't know who Britney Spears is. So I am definately "borrowing" this image from the hotness that is Michael K at Dlisted. Deal with it. Stealing is a victimless crime (like punching someone in the dark). Speaking of which, I wish someone would punch Britney Spears in the face just for shits and giggles, but I'm not that lucky, so we'll have to settle for pubic (typo, but I'm keeping it) humiliation. Let's take a look at what my crack-riddled brain thinks of these covers. Warning: I'm gonna be pretty assy about this. I look forward to a good cover story about Stars without Makeup and Who's Gay in Tinseltown and such, and this week I'm SOL (actually...Shit Out Of Luck...shouldn't that be SOOL? That's right, I'm sool fucking pissed off. Was that a pun?)

PEOPLE
What they say: The Real Story - Britney's Mental Illness
What I say: What the fuck? You didn't have a more recent picture of Britney than that one?!? Jesus Christ, is that from the same roll of film that Stronger was shot on? Did you have to root through the TeenPeople archives?

OK!
What they say: Last day with Mommy
What I say: Who are those kids? Eyes focused, no cleft-palate...where are the kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? It looks like Britney ran up to two children at the supermarket and went "Hey, y'all! Take a picture of me with these here puppies!"

IN TOUCH
What they say: Pregnant Jamie-Lynn dumped
What I say: This just in - when I was 16, I would have KILLED to have been pregnant and dumped. Why? Because that would mean that a) I would have had a boyfriend and b) that I wouldn't have been a virgin hopelessly watching Making the Band every Friday night wondering what a 'date' looked like. Count your lucky stars, bitch.

Star
What they say: INSANE!
What I say: Yep, you pretty much summed it all up. Homegirl hopped the Crazy Train to Loonyville (which I believe makes a stop in the junction of Batshit-Crazy)

Life & Style
What they say: What her kids saw
What I say: Pfft, whatever. Like I'm gonna believe a 3 year old. One thing I know - Bitches be crazy, I be lazy, 3 year olds is fibbers. What have I been smoking this morning? Oh yeah, the noxious gas that's been leaking out from under my air conditioner. Fuck you and the 8-eyed milkshake monster you rode in on.

US
What they say: Time Bomb
What I say: Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac. Yes, I went there. God, I was so missunderstood and angsty at 17. Only Rancid knew what I was going through. Two parents, happily married. Good school, had a job and spending money. Straight A student. Not hideous or fat. Pfft...society...FUCK YOU WORLD!

Well, that's it for today, I think. I'm going to be going away to the mental ward tomorrow. Just kidding, going to my parents. One in the same, really! Jokes, I love my parents. But long story short, I will be on a bus tonight and sleeping in tomorrow, so don't expect anything new until Monday. Take tomorrow off! You deserve it.
Peace out!