The 80th Annual Oscar F*ckfest!!

I love this picture. Cher is such a hot piece of trash - I love how balls to the walls she was. I love that she won. Fucking Halfbreed and Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives won an Oscar.
Anyways, how lame was that CGI-shitstorm opening? The Back to the Future Delorean? Ripley from Alien? Fucking John Travolta and Mary Poppins? Ew. John Stewart's monologue was pretty good - he threw in a couple of jokes I liked. But all in all, I wanted to hear who was winning and shit. Not that I give a crap - I would have traded in that 4 hour fuckfest for 4 hours staring at a picture of Javier Bardem with his shirt off. But then again, that's how I spend most of my free time. Hey-o! No, really, I am such a loser. Anyways, here are the winners (along with my smarmy-ass commentary).

BEST CARTOON
Ratatouille
I'm glad this won. I love charming stories about rats touching my food. I didn't see Persepholis, but I heard it was good. And Surf's Up? What the hell? Was it that hard to find another animated movie?

BEST WAY TO MAKE EDDIE MURPHY INTO A CHINESE STEREOTYPE
La Vie En Rose
NORBIT WAS ROBBED!!

BEST ACTOR WHO'S INITALS ARE JB AND WHO'S NAME SOUNDS LIKE HAVE A CAR BOREDOM
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Oh come on - he had it in the bag (I'd let Javier put his bag anywhere on my face. Hey-o! I bet it smells like paella). But how hot was it when he said half of his speech in Spanish? Santa Maria, that man is a piece or work. Anyways, he totes deserved it. I hope he doesn't succumb to the Oscar Curse like Cuba Gooding Jr. did - were you watching the Best Supporting Actor montage? Oooh, that's gotta sting for a man who's most dignified role to date has been in Daddy Day Camp.

BEST WAIT, WHAT?
"Academy Award-nominated Owen Wilson"
I actually had to IMDB him to see what the hell he was nominated for. Writing for The Royal Tennenbaums. Yeah, okay.

BEST ACTING BY SOMEONE WHO IS 100% MORE DESERVING OF AN OSCAR THAN JENNIFER HUDSON
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Wha' Happun?!? Cate Blanchet was supposed to win! She played a dude, for chrissake! Tilda Swinton just played her Gingery self. But, like I have said before - the academy are suckers for disabilities. Gingervitis made her a shoo-in.

BEST RIPPED-OFF SCREENPLAY
No Country for Old Men
Well, that's nice. I love the Cohen brothers (even though Ethan has a horse mouth) and anyone who wrote The Big Lebowski can win any award they like (except for Best Nazis...I don't like Nazis).

BEST LADY ACTRESS (yeah, there's no joke here)
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
So I heard a bunch about this girl and this movie, but paid not too much attention to it. But when I saw that clip of herr from the movie, I was like buuuh? Holy crap, it looked like a totally different person! Good for her - out of that list, it just seemed so same-old, same-old. Cate Blanchet for Elizabeth? Have we not been down this road before? Laura Linney - she is so the new Meryl Streep. She get's nomintaed every year, and is a swell actress, but she really needs a fantastic role before she should win. The old broad from Away From Her; why did she get nominated? I act like I am slowly losing my mind on a daily basis, and you don't see people throwing statues at me (just pills). And DJ Dykemarch Ellen Page needs a few more notches in her belt before she should win an Oscar. Homegirl got luck-ay with that nomination.
So good job, Marion!

BEST ADORABLE OLD PERSON
Honorary Oscar for Robert Boyle
Hey hey, step back, Tommy Lee Jones. You're not the only old craggy man here...

BEST WRITER WHO WE WILL PROBABLY NEVER HEAR FROM AGAIN
Diablo Cody, Juno
Let's face it - homegirl is a feel-good story, like Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Waste of 2 Hours) and we will never see her again. Peace out, Diablo!

BEST ACTOR (yeah, no joke here, either)
Daniel Day Lewis, There Will be Blood
Ugh, I hate Oscars like this where you know who is going to win without even seeing the movies. The past 3 have been like this; remember the years of Forrest Whittaker and Phillip Seymour Hoffman? Did they really need to nominate 4 other actors? They might as well have just nominated people for jokes. Eddie Murphy for Norbit, Hayden Christiansen for Jumper, Shia LeBeuf for Transformers.
Anyways, George Clooney didn't go home empty handed; he took home the award for Hottest Pepaw.

BEST POMPOUS GASBAG/DIRECTOR
The Cohen Brothers, No Country for Old Men
Meh, not much to say. They deserved it. I always think that one is a pre-op tranny, and then I remember that I am confusing them with the Wachowski brothers.

BEST MOVIE THAT WASN'T SUPERBAD
No Country for Old Men
HELLS YES!! If you read my 2007 Year End Review, you know that I was obsessed witht this movie. It was so kick-ass motherfucking tough. Holy shit, if you haven't seen it, go and see it. Seriously. If not for Javier Bardem and the hottness that is that Spanish Stallion, then for the good directing and well thought out...who am I kidding, see it for Anton Chigur and cowboy hottness Josh Brolin and Woody Harrelson.

So yeah, that's it, friends! Those are your Oscar weiners. See you tomorrow!!