America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 2

Intern Tylerface: KAY SO BASICALLY. Fatima is a bitch - but an innocent bitch? Girl has valid points, but doesn't know what the fuck she's saying or when to stop. When another girl has a knife to you're throat; you shut up. Fact. (Kay, that didn't happen - but it might. Trust.) Marvita likes to say "The meanest African I know!" all the time. Um, girl. You're up there, too - so you'd best tone that down - but she and Fatima sorted it all out! Besides, it's a family drama! ALSO! Did you enjoy the new theme song video thing? I sure did. Taking Saleisha was the best thing Tyra's done for the show since Janice left. Mind you, Saleisha winning was the WORST thing Tyra's done for the show, so I guess all in all - she's breaking even so far, but she's bound to fuck it up. Seriously, if I see one more super hero, space adventure or freefalling photo shoot again I will kill someone. So, runway show. Boring, pretty much everyone sucks. Lauren cannot walk, like at all - but bitch has an amazing face. Kimberly was like "It's crazy to pay like, $2000 on an outfit, like that's totally crazy. Ya know?" and I'm all "What the fuck are you doing here then?" and it didn't click! She was the one Tyra went fucking batshit on in panel! Long story short it went something like this:

"I'm not interested in fashion."
*collective gasp!*
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to be here?"
"No."
"Then leave."

BUT OF COURSE SHE WAS GOING HOME. I mean, they picked 14 girls, right? And Tyra said even though one quit putting the number to 13, she was still going to eliminate someone. Meaning they'd be at the number of girls they usually would! So, that means there's another RE-CAP episode. Oh, fuck me.

The Mayor: Also this episode we got our new judge! Who would be joining Janice Dickinson and Twiggy in the Old Hag Club? That's right, the glamorous and famous Paulina Porzikova.
Insert cricket noises here.
I know, I have no idea either. I had to actually Google her to find out how to spell her name correctly. From now on, we will refer to her as Not-Twiggy, because she isn't Twiggy. It seems she also isn't employed, because she took a job on ANT-motherfucking-M. Another notable note is Miss J's glitter velcro-name jacket. I wish he would rip the name off when the girl is standing there. Imagine how awesome that would be? Tyra is like "you have to pack up your bags and leave the house" and then Miss J rips that velcro name off and throws it at her. Can this be arranged? Can a bucket of pig's blood be arranged? No? Ugh, I never get what I want.
Anyways, let's move on to the vermin, shall we?ANYA
This week's winner was Anya aka Hawaii. She is gonna be around for a while, I can feel it. She has something, and I think she will get better as the weeks progress. And thankfull this isn't America's Next Top English Speaking Person, because she would be dead in the water. If you want to write something that sounds like Anya, go to Babelfish and type in a sentance. Translate it from English to Japanese, then back to English again. It's fun, watch...
"Tyra! I am be this way happy for on the next highest model of America! Each day a new challenge, and I is will not let down you!"
It actually sounds less retarded than when they read out the LED Tyra mails. Anyways, this week's loser (but aren't they all?) was...ATALYA
Grow up, bitch! How many times did I need to hear her be like "I'm justa kid! I miss my mama!!" Ugh, shit. Cut the strings already. You can tell she is gonna be one of those women who gets married and moves into the house next door to her mom. I loved though when they kicked her out and she was like "the hardest part will be going back to my family". Uh, what? Don't you live for Friday Night Scrabble with your family? Bleh, I can't even bother to make more jokes about her. Dunzo!AIMEE
Snore...ALLISON
Why has no one made the Sarah Silverman connection yet? Just looks though. Sarah is sharp as a tack, and Allison is dumb as a pile of dogshit.
Jay: Do you have dance training?
Allison: I do pilates.
Whaaa? What a fucking retard. He asked if you dance, not if you do pointless stretches. Oh well, she looks like a wet bag of clothes anyways.AMOS
I know she thinks she is more quirky than a pile of Juno DVDs, but she tries so damn hard, it is killing me. Ugh, she is so painfully normal. I bet she watches Gossip Girl and owns Fergie's album.CLAIRE
Fantasgreat. She is gonna be one of the last 3 names on Miss J's coat (if she doesn't go all "boo hoo, I miss my baby" on us).DOMINIQUE
Why was she so surpirsed when Paulina called her a tranny? Something tells me she's no stranger to this scenario: meet a guy at da' cluub, goes back to his place, he takes one look at the vag and goes "oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping you were pre-op".FATIMA
Do you not see Jessica Alba in this picture? I do. Am I cray-cray? You know Fats thought she was going to win this week. She is good, but she needs to check her ego at the door (the hell? Am I a Highschool Gym teacher now?)KATTERGINNA
Tyra said she looked a lot like Paulina. Duh, all us Slavics look alike. We're like Asians - you can't tell us apart.KIMBERLY
Don't let the door hit your fucked-up face on the way out! LAUREN
Something seems fake about Lauren. I'm not sure why...oh yeah, a real punk wouldn't audition for ANTM. Her shot is okay. But then again, you really can't fuck up 'homeless'.MARVITA
Her shot is great. i am rooting for her. I really honestly believe herr story. But when she said she was homeless at 18, something tells me it was probably just for the weekend or something.STACY-ANN
Something about Stacy-Ann screams Chilis waitress. And, lucky for her, most Chilis will hold your job for you while you take a leave of absence. WHITNEY
...doesn't really look that fat in her picture. Hmmm. Dare I say it? I think she is actually good. Not great, but good. I have a sneaking suspicion she will be most successful fatty in ANTM history. Ahaha, what am I saying? I act like that is a good thing.

Next week on America's Next Top Model...Allison says something rude to Fatima. Let me guess...something about Female Circumcision. Maybe she will ask if she can use tampons or something. WHY IS CYCLE 10 SO LAME?!?
Aaaaannndd...MAKEOVERS aka Tears n' Weaves. I can’t wait to see what they do to Dominique; I’m betting on less hair and more estrogen shots.