Know Your Rednecks

Here at The Skip-Raid, we can be a little hard on our Brush Brothers to the North (or South, depending on where you live). Many people ask "But Mayor...how can you hate something so vague as Rednecks? Do you trully hate people who live on farms and drive pick-ups?" and the answer to that is yes. I unbiasedly hate rednecks. I grew up in a farm town in North Ontario (not too north...I don't want you to think I was raised in a trailer) but it was still White-Trash Ville nonetheless. Anyways, if anything, it has made me a connoisseur of Rednecks. I consider myself an expert on the topic of all things Hillbilly, Hick, and Mountain Person; and with this primer, you can too! Welcome to The Skip-Raid's Know Your Rednecks.Hick
The best way to describe a Hick is Hank Hill. Loves trucks, enjoys the comedy stylings of Jeff Foxworthy, and wears denim shorts with bright white sneakers. I found this picture on Trip Advisor.com, and these two pretty much sum up hicks. They go to the Caribbean and come home with 6 rolls of film and 97 pictures of them posing with black people.
Redneck
One major thing differentiates a Redneck from every other type of turd in this list: the Confederate Flag. They love that shit. The confederate flag is like an Ignorance Magnet; it doesn't matter where you are from (Georgia, Alaska, Northern Ontario) morons will cling to that flag like air. I grew up with people who hadn't left the province, let alone the country, and they would pack their vehicles full of Rebel Flag decals andn bullshit. And if you asked them what the flag means, they would go "Pride! The South...the flag means the South. And Pride!" What? Are you serious? It takes 5 minutes to look up on Wikipedia what the Rebel Flag means (racist bullshit). But that's a Redneck for you; too damn lazy to read a book.White Trash
Just what you would expect - a trashier Redneck. Where the Redneck has a little money (which he usually spends on truck parts, flag shirts, and tickets to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour) White Trash has little to no money. Many are on wellfare and most spend their money on the following things:
- beer (Labatt Black Ice or Busch)
- cigarettes (to smoke while pregnant, after pregnant, and to give to their children on their 10th birthday)
- cat food (Rednecks always havea shitload of cats)
Hillbilly
If you are ever confused as to which kind of person you are dealing with, take a look at the teeth. Do they have teeth? No? Then they are a Hillbilly. Just like the Rebel Flag is the dead giveaway for a Redneck, the lack-of-teeth is what sets Hillbillies apart from their Southern bretheren.Country Bumpkin
Generally not as offensive as Rednecks or Hicks, the Country Bumpkin is just a stupid Southern moron. They don't shotgun beers or put cigarettes out on their tongue, but they still refer to blacks as 'coloured people'. Reference point: Jessica Simpson.
Sledneck
You won't find many Slednecks down South; this type of Redneck is purely Canadian. Once the snow falls, they bundle up in their Arctic Cat/Choko/Snap-On Racing parka and fill their skidoo up with gas. Then they disappear into the forests until the snow melts. Actually, that's not true. They are more like seniors. You will go days without seeing one, then you are driving to the store one day and they whip across the intersection in front of you like fucking Mad Max. I really hate to admit this, but you know how I know it's spring? The first robin, you say? No...its the first Sledneck fatality. I know, I am being cruel, but for serious; the icicles are melting and ever weatherman is reporting to get off the ice, cause the lake will be opening soon. But noooo, Slednecks know better than meterologists. They scoot over the melting lake and poof! They are gone.
Also, Slednecks love skidooing cause they like smelling the gas. Trust.
Raised in the Garbage
This goes without saying. If you catch what you think is a Redneck or White Trash, take a look and try to find a few tattoos. If you see anything like this one, or like a cats butt around their bellybutton (you know...so it's the cat's ass?) then you are dealing with much more than a Redneck or White Trash. You are dealing with someone who's parents systematically de-raised them. Most likely by encouraging them to drink as early as possible and played nothing but porn on the TV.
Really - stay away from people like this. Can you imagine someone marrying him? Ugh, I would love to find/post that picture. Wait!! I think I found it!!