I have become Cathy Guisewite.

Yeah, it finally happened. After one week with the cat, I have become a cat person. Last night I sat watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent and knitting a mouse for him to play with. Law & Order: CI is okay, but its no SVU. It has Mr. Big and Alicia Witt, which is okay. But I like Regular Law & Order better, because it has Jeremy Sisto aka Elton from Clueless who is HOT. So yeah, back to my story. I find myself talking to the cat a lot and I even made a Catbook for him on Facebook. Do you understand how I used to roll my eyes at that shit? Anyways, I should explain why I have him. His mom is on a break from school and had to move back in with her parents. They are mad-allergic to cats, so they told her the cat had to hit the road. The problem is, she moves back into her apartment again in May, so she couldn’t permanently get rid of him. I found out about this through work, so I said I would take him. I am allergic to 99 things, but a cat ain’t one. Which is weird, because my allergies are pretty damn severe. I use that Nasonex shit almost every day to help me fight off mold spores and dog hair, and yet I can snuggle the cat’s face and nothing happens. Last night, it was so cute, he fell asleep on his back with his head in my hand. Awwww, like you give a crap, I know, but it is cute to me. He is also mega-fighty too – he can bite and scratch with the best of them.
I had always had dogs before, so there were some things I learned about cats. Here they are:

- cat poo smells like people poo

- cats like water. This cat will sit in the shower with me

- cats really will play with a ball of yarn

- cats don’t mooch food from you when you are eating dinner

- cats are super-snuggly when they want to be fed

- cats have 2 sets to eyelids

- cats don’t like it when you try to put them in your purse and play ‘Paris Hilton’

- cats don’t like when you rub their tummy

- cats like waking me up at 2am because they are dicks

- cats don’t always land on their feet

If you have any cat information for me, or perhaps anything that will help me not turn into a crazy cat lady who wears the same pair of urine-soaked sweatpants every day, then please, by all means, fill me in.

GINGER FOOD DEATHMATCH!

Hey Guys. So you all know that last weekend I went to America for a widdle visit, which was awesome. I love the states, if not just for the vast array of foods. You people are the leaders in obesity for a reason (and thanks to Poutine, we are the leaders in heart disease).
But while I do always favour American foods over Canadian foods, one that I had never tried was Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. You see (Canadians can earmuffs this part if they want) in Canada, we have what is known as Kraft Dinner. Nobody says Macaroni and Cheese. And if you are a real Hoser, you call it KD. Also, in Canada, we eat it with ketchup, but that is a whole other post for another day. So when Terrence and Philip talk about Kraft Dinner on South Park, they are not just talking in a colloquial way. Kraft Dinner is a staple here in Canada. You can buy a case at Costco for $3.99. And, I won’t lie, I fucking love the shit. So I thought it’s about damn time I did a comparison of one of the most Gingery foods around. Mac and Cheese. Ring the alarm, it’s time to get dirty!

KRAFT DINNER vs KRAFT MACARONI & CHEESEEASE OF PREPARATION
Kraft Dinner: Pretty easy if you are bilingual. There is not much to separate the English instructions from the French.
Kraft M&C: Christ, their instructions are in picture form, guaranteeing that everyone from the illiterate to people from Appalachia can make this shit.
WINNER – Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. It’s pretty much impossible to not understand how to make it. KD on the other hand requires you to be able to not only read 2 languages at the same time, but very small print.

COLOUR
Kraft Dinner: Bright orange
Kraft M&C: Pale orange. Almost beige. Ew.
WINNER – Kraft Dinner. You want your mac and cheese to be as bright as a construction vest.

TASTE
Kraft Dinner: Oh man, that’s the good stuff. Nice and cheesy, but sharp cheesy. Like Cheese-Whiz. Fan-fucking-tastic. I ate the whole pot of it, and wished there was more (but then realized that eating a whole box of Kraft Dinner was as ghetto as it gets, so I stopped wishing).
Kraft M&C: Sweet jesus, this tastes like warm baby shit nestled in a best of wet hair. I honestly can only compare it to White Trash Mac and Cheese. You know the kind – you would go over to a friend’s house and the parents were either alcoholics or super-cheap, and they didn’t buy name brand stuff. So they bought dollar store mac and cheese, which always had a retarded name like “Kidz Choice” or “Wacky Macarooney and Cheez” and they couldn’t legally put the word ‘cheese’ on the box, because there was no actual cheese in the recipe? Fuck, I used to have to choke that down at so many houses. Ew! And then to add insult to injury, the moms would sometimes cook the noodles waaaay past al dente and they would be so wormy? I can’t type any more about it, cause I am gonna barf. I’m serious.
WINNER – (doye) Kraft Dinner.

So, I would say that overall, Kraft Dinner kicks so much ass. You guys need to step up your game and fix that shit you are eating. Look, I love every other food America has to offer. You name it, I’ve tried it. But there are some things that you have yet to master, and mac and cheese is one of them. Like, are you born without tastebuds or something? That shit was rank-a-lank. I couldn’t finish one bowl and had to dump the rest. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is dead to me.

Think I’m wrong? Email skipraid@gmail.com and I’ll send you a box of KD.

A well balanced meal is essential for good health and the food you eat is the biggest part. Junk food isn't exactly a part of a well balanced meal and you won't find it in the food pyramid which is why you can find low-fat recipes that will allow you to start eating good holiday food.

Ginger Tuesday tomorrow, Degrassi right now.

I know, I’m sorry. Last week in the comments, someone wrote “where did Ginger Tuesday/Wednesday go?”
Don’t worry, dear child. We have one for tomorrow, and it is AMAZING! Full colour pictures and everyting, so you best be here.
Now, I am half asleep right now because the cat kept me up all night. He must have done some kitty coke and was lifting some kitty weights and listening to the all-cat version of Rush, because he was running around the house all night. Jesus Christ, do cats do this? I thought they just slept and ate lasagna. Not ONCE has he asked for lasagna. I have been mislead. Anyways, the reason Ginger Tuesdays got bumped again is because Degrassi was something rank last night. I hope you watched, cause it was such a steaming pile. The episode itself was okay, but it was one character in particallurs. Trashley.
Oh my god, what a twat. She’s back with a less-dykey haircut, but I see right through her. Ugh, and when I say I hate Ashley Kerwin, I also mean that I hate Melissa McIntyre. She is such a shit actress it gives me a headache. So she is back with Jimmy (poor guy) and she is pissed because everybody knows her as Craig’s Ex. Duh! He is famous now and you are nothing, you fugly midget-face! So she writes this song that gets booed at the Talent Show (justified) and then Jimmy comes out and starts rapping on it and everybody loves it. Of course they do, whos gonna boo a guy in a wheelchair? Jokes – he is actually good. So anyways, this record exec guy loves them and by them I mean Jimmy. Ashley gets pissed and Jimmy keeps saying “not me without her” and other such bullshit. Then Ashley is editing their demo tape and she erases Jimmy’s vocals and labels it Ashley’s Demo. Fuck! That is Grade-A Cunt material right there. Cold! The boy is in a wheelchair, your selfish tard.
The best line came from Ellie though when Ashley went “things come so easy for Jimmy” and Ellie goes “yeah…like walking?” Ooh, good one! I normally hate Ellie (cause she stole my man Craig last season) but she is growing on me. Anyways, I can’t believe she is back with Jimmy. He could do so much better than that grown-ass midget. You mean to tell me he can’t get some honey from the cheerleading squad? Oh yeah, those bitches be superficial; they want a man who can roll up in a hoopty, not a wheelchair. Degrassi is due for another school shooting. Ashley, nothing says hero like jumping in front of stray bullets. Keep that in mind.
So next week, Spinner is gonna get some disease or something? What? Is it Diabeetus? I bet its Type 2. The silent fatty killer!! We shall see.
Peace!

Last Night’s Simpsons…lame, or really fucking lame?

Come on…Sadgasm? What the hell?!? Simsons, you can’t do a 90s flashback episode because we have seen 10 years worth of episodes already. Every damn day on FOX for that matter. Like that whole Homer inventing grunge thing? What the hell?!? Have we already forgotten the Hullabalooza episode?!? That one was rife with 90s terminology and jokes! I wanted to punchasize my TV last night so much. There was nothing that made me like it. How can you explain a 1970s prom and then going to college in the 90s? Where did the 80s go?
Simpsons writers, you are getting lazy.
I hate to say it, but it’s time to give The Simpsons the Old Yeller Treatment. The 3rd eye. The big sleep. Dirtnap. Pass the torch to funnier shows, like…uh…well, not Family Guy. Shit, King of the Hill, I suppose, is the only funny FOX show left. Yikes, wha happun?
Anyways, are any of you as pissed as I am at last night’s Tardfest? Ugh, it was just lazy. Plus, some decades are fun to parody. The 80s, for example, or the 1920s. But the 90s was so boring and lame. Fuck, I lived through it, I should know. What did the 90s give us? Nirvana, Friends and Starbucks? The only good thing about that episode can be broken down into 4 words: My Idol, Weird Al. I met Weird Al once and it was possibly the best day of my life, which goes to show you how sad my pathetic little life actually is. But anyways, I got a picture of him and me and he is super sweet and an actually funny guy. I also always secretly hoped he would get married to Judy Tenuta (another one of my idols) and they would have an amazing child. Not so much – he married some other broad and had a baby names Nina (a name I love). But Weird Al will make any episode better. You know what is marginally better than Weird Al? Bob Odenkirk parodying Weird Al on Mr. Show with Daffy "Mal" Yinkleyankle.

Moving on. I guess I had a weird weekend because I just got a cat. He’s a temp (I only have him for 3 months) but it’s weird nonetheless than this little creature could bond to me already. He’s 10 months old and is such a sweetie pie, but I still find it strange to wake up to meowing. Also, I am one set of sweatpants away from becoming one of those. A cat person. Ew. Just saying made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Anyways, if he does anything cute, I’ll let you know, but for now he is just good at chasing string and shitting. Animals are pros at that.

OMG Weird!

So as usual, I am up on Dlisted and I come across this lovely picture of Tina Fey. No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. This is Tina Fey as Tinkerbell. Ew, I know! When did Tinkerbell turn into such a lesbodiar? I wish I could say this was some weird promo for 30 Rock, but it’s for the Disney 1000 shitty dreams campaign shot by Annie “Overrated” Lebovitz. You know I love this skank, but I think Disney made a mistake. Why couldn’t they sex her up a bit? Why does everyone always want to fug the hell out of her? She looks like a disgruntled highschool gym teacher. Also, her body isn’t even Photoshop. That is straight-up cut-and-paste. It looks like they took Tina Fey’s body and put it on Amanda Lepore. OOH! They should have gotten that hot bitch to be Tinkerbell! How AMAZING would that have been? Someone screwed up. Tina Fey would have made a better Belle. Or Cogsworth. You know who should been Peter Pan? Zac Efron. It would be like when Peter Pan is played by a woman on stage. I hate that! Why do they always get a 40-year-old woman to play a 13 year old elf boy? It baffles me.

Seriously, did anyone see Epic Movie?

I will be the first to say that I love, LOVE, Scary Movie. There, deal with it. I also love Scary Movie 2. Watch the “talk dirty to me” part and tell me you don’t laugh. And then things sort of fell apart in the movie parody genre after Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4, Date Movie, Epic Movie, etc etc. I used to blame Hollywood (damn you, Hollywood for making such garbage!) but after a little research, I can finally blame a person and not just the industry. His name is Jason Friedberg and he is the writer (and I use that term very loosely) of the aforementioned movies. If there is anything good that can come out of the WGA strike, it’s that this assclown isn’t allowed to write any shitty parody movies for a while. I bet his name has been thrown around during bargaining once or twice:
“Okay, you can get compensation for internet use and a 14% pay raise BUT you have to kill Jason Friedberg. Don’t even make it look like an accident, just get it done.”
You think I’m being too harsh? Let’s take a look at some of the taglines he has written:

Scary Movie: A Killer Comedy
- meh, not bad, but not great. This doesn’t bother me that much.

Date Movie: Everyone wants a happy ending
- my happy ending would involve a lead pipe and Jason Friedberg’s face.

Epic Movie: We Know It's Big. We Measured
- Big on shittyness, that is. Wait, how can you measure shittyness?

Meet the Spartans: The Bigger the Hit, The Harder They Fall
- what? That’s not even creative! I’m pretty sure he just stole that from an already existing movie poster.

Anyways, long story short, I took a look at his IMDB page, and thank Sweet Baby Jesus, he doesn’t have anything on the go right now. Well, besides sucking pretty hard, but he can do that anytime. So yeah, if any of yous skids actually go to see this trash this weekend, I will murder you. Literally, I will find a way to get to your house (as long as it is on a bus line) and I will lead pipe your face. I think I will try to get an interview with him. That could be fun, eh? Cross your fingers and have a great weekend, friends!!

I'm holding another contest!

Well, sort of. I had a great time holding the Trauma-Rama contest of yore. What the hell does that even mean? Anyways, I think it is time again for an awesome contest. This time, we are all winners! Now, before you go thinking this contest is on par with a certain Olympic games (some Special Olympic games, if you will) allow me to explain. The drawing above has to do with what this is about. I will pick a quote or theme, and you will illustrate it. Now, don't go thinking this is just for people who are great illustrators. As an artist myself, I LOVE seeing people who can't draw try to draw something. It is just so honest and usually very funny. Now, no one will win per se, but I will post my favourites. And by favourites, I will try to post all of them. Why not, they will probably rock and everyone should see how talented you are. You can use the following things: paper, scissors, paint, paper, glue, fabric, metal, macaroni, pipe-cleaners, pom-poms, stamps, feces, hair, DNA (your choice!), cookies and candies, and tinfoil. Basically, whatever your imagination tells you to do. Also, just for posterity's sake, let's keep it somewhere in the neighborhood of 5x7 or smaller, shall we? Remember people, this is a greta time to show off your skills (or show off your tremendous lack of motor skills). Okay, so here is what I would like you to draw:
Things which are not people but which have the qualities of people. IE: Anthropomorphasization. I am almost positive I didn't spell that shit right, but you know what I mean. Toasters with eyes and Blenders getting their periods and stuff.
OR
The Douchebaggery that is American Apparel.
Anyways, I know you can do this. But now how do you get it to me? Well, that's easy! Mail all your shit to:

The Mayor
10-117 Old Forest Hill Rd.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
M5P 2R8

Alright, so are we ready? Do this asap as I can't wait to see what you all submit! Bonne Chance!

Heath Ledger is with Jesus tonight.

Holy shit, what a day to lose the internet? I didn't get it back till 7pm tonight, and it was like I was asleep for a week. First on the menu is that Heath Ledger passed away in his Manhattan apartment today from what seems to be a drug-related death. I could have posted a recent picture of him, but 10 Things I Hate About You was the shit and I loved him in it. Also, any movie that stars those hot Jews David Krumholtz and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is good on my list. Anyways, it really is a tragedy, not because Hollywood lost talent, but that a little girl lost her Daddy. My thoughts are with you, Matilda.
Next up is Amy 'Fucking Retarded Loser' Winehouse finally has checked her ass into rehab? Is this true? I don't know if you saw the video of her smoking crack and snorting drugs, but she was due. Christ, like how many times do you get to fuck up before people say 'get a grip, you tard. You are gonna lose everything'? Well, I guess the 30 strikes and you're out rule is in effect, cause she is gonna take a widdle nap at the crack farm.
And finally, the sweetness that is Lily Allen has suffered a miscarriage. So sad, she would have been a great mommy. I will cross my fingers for homegirl, cause she deserves a little bundle of joy. Why do all the good ones get screwed over? Why hasn't Paris Hilton suffered in some way? Ooh, maybe God is saving her for a real good one. I won't speculate, but maybe her obit might read Crushed in an elephant stampede. What? God has a great sense of humor. How else do you explain farts?
In honour of Heath Ledger, here is a great scene from 10 Things. Enjoy.

Last night on Degrassi...

Hey guys, I'm back! That's right - I totally wasn't killed in Amurrica. I had a great time - I bought a tonne of awesome American snack foods from Target. I also bought some Alli, so I should have some awesome stories for you soon! I haven't started taking it yet, but I need to finish my weeks worth of Poptarts. Wouldn't want to waste those pubjubs. So yeah, anyways, last night on Degrassi...
Darcey totally took the Midnight train to R-Town, but none of my predictions happened! She didn't get pregnant, but she did get Chymidhea (typo, but I am too lazy to fix it). So all seemed well, until Manny aka Degrassi's HCIC (head cholo in charge) finds her in the shower with slit wrists! I know! What the hell? It's not like she got the Super Aids! I'm pretty sure that shit can be cured with the 'Tussin. It ended really weird though - her douchebag BF gave her a abstinence ring and all was well. The fuck? Um, how about instead of an abstinence ring someone give her a 'watch your fucking drink you dumbass' ring. Do they have those at the liquor store? Jesus, honestly. Who goes to the bathroom and leaves their drink outside. Forget roofies, I bring my shit into the bathroom with me because I don't want any cheapos drinking it. That's my Diet Coke, no touch!
In other news, Marco was gonna break up with his BF. Pfft, who cares. I hate when they throw a disposable back story in there. So what will happ'un next week? Who knows. Darcey will be on the hunt for her rapist and Marco will be on the hunt for some ass. Sorry this isn't longer, but I am not feeling very well today. I will be spending it wallowing in bed, slitting my wrist. Kidding! I will be eating Trix and PopTarts and washing it down with Sierra Mist soda pop.
Also, Amy Winehouse was caught smoking crack? Damn you, Comfort Suites for not having Wireless Internet!

Good Thursday Morning!

That sounded so ‘Good Morrow, Sir’. I am just a big pile of Olde English Riddles this morning. So, I have some good news for my American readers (aka All My Readers – for whatever reason, you get my humour more than my bretheren in Canada. Meh, their loss). I will be spending the weekend in Windsor on a work-related trip. Oh yeah, vacay in Windsor, Canada’s Detroit. Speaking of Detroit, it is just over the bridge, so I think me and my traveling partner will be going to an American restaurant this weekend. I am thinking Chilis. Or Flingers. Is Flingers real? I know Chotchkies is made up, but there are so many goddamned restaurants there, its impossible to keep them all straight. I would love to go to the mall, but I don’t know if we will have time. I really just want to get a box of Trix. We don’t have them up here in Canada and I miss them so goddamned much. I would also like some Coooookie Crisp and maybe some Kix. I figure I should throw some healthy cereal in there too. I also like Pop Tarts, and while we do have them here, we have limited access to flavours. Strawberry, Blueberry, Smores. That’s about it. And don’t even get me started on our lack of Keebler sandwich cookies. The only trade-off is that we have Vachon and you don’t. Trust, Vachon kicks Little Debbie’s ass. Vachon is a French Canadian baker who makes Jos. Louis (pronounced Joe Lewis) and Ah Caramel. If you want some, I will send you some. Serious – just write me with your address and I will mail you one to try. Wow, do I ever sound like a weird ass timeshare salesman?
Anyways, let me get to the point – I will be in Detroit tomorrow (Motor City!) and will be back on Monday. This cat symbolizes what I will be doing when I get back to Canada. I will be relaxing knowing that I wasn’t robbed by any no-good-nicks on 8 Mile. Also, the cat belongs to a guy I work with. They like to dress him up and pose him around. That’s what I do with my dog! Pets are awesome.

Ginger Wednesday

Okay, so I apologize for not having a Ginger yesterday, but I was to jazzed about Degrassi being back. Today I would have talked about Law & Order: SVU, but it was painful to say the least. It was one of those episodes where justice isn’t really served and everybody wins. Crappy. The good news is that Detective Stabler was sans Detective Benson last night, which meant he was paired up with Richard Belzer. Amazing. That guy doesn’t get enough good one-liners.
Anyways, I also have some good news in that I got a fish today. He is just one of those Fighter Fish and he sits at my desk. I asked everyone in my office to name him (to be fair – I will expect them to feed his hungry ass when I am away) but I really wanted to name him Mr. Pants or Konami’s Street Fighter. Street Fighter was Konami, right? Or was it Sega? I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s a topic for a nerd discussion board.
So onto our Ginger. This is one who I have wanted to do for quite a while. Not in the literal sense of course; no amount of paper bags and in-shoe lifts could make me want to have a Bathing Suit Area Dance party with this troll…Aw, that’s unfair. He’s not a troll. If he wasn’t funny I would categorize him in with the likes of Dane Cook and the like, but Seth Green is very funny. Here are reasons why, despite being a painfully obvious Ginger, I like Seth Green:
1. He has one of the largest action figure collections in the world. I am serious, look it up. And not like, weird obscure Manga shit. Like regular GI Joe and Thundercats stuff. The stuff your mom threw out when you hit the big ten-oh. Well, my mom didn’t throw my stuff out, but that’s another story for another day (the story being why I didn’t kiss a boy till I was 17).
2. He was in all 3 Austin Powers movies and he didn’t suck. That says a lot considering the 3rd one was totally raped by Beyonce’s bad acting.
3. He wasn’t getting the parts he wanted in Hollywood, so he made his own show. He paid for everything himself and employed his best friends. That show is Robot Chicken, and it is completely awesome.
4. Weird Al asked him to be in White and Nerdy. Asked. Weird Al doesn’t ask anyone; they come crawling to him.
5. He used to be a child star, but nobody knows that because he actually has a good career now. All child stars that still have a career now, raise your hand…not so fast, Macauly Culkin.
6. He has two super-popular television shows (Robot Chicken and Family Guy) and he still isn’t an asshole. He is probably pulling in so much dough from each of those shows that he owns a swimming pool full of action figures that he dives into a la Scrooge McDuck. Didn’t it always gross you out when Scrooge would go swimming and he would come up from the water and spit a stream of coins into the air. Ew, those are coins, dude! I just sounded like Dane Cook. Forgive’eness, prease!
Anyways, Seth Green has full-on Gingervitis, but he is still pretty cool. I would say he is one of the good ones. Ew, I take that back. There are no good ones.

Holy shneikies, Darcy is gonna get raped?

Oh snap, oh snap! (like Heidi, season 2). Did you watch the 2-parter Degrassi season premiere last night? I am so pumped up because as you very well know, I have been searching for a show to replace the Monday night void left in my heart by The Hills. I tried to replace it with American Gladiators, but sadly the sheen has worn off; don't get me wrong, I totally watched it last night. It's just its the same shit every week. So I was pleased as an Irishman in a 1901 New York Harbor when I saw that Degrassi was coming back full-force with a hard-hitting storyline. I was really depressed last year when JT "Roll of Dimes" Yorke got stabbed; that was cold, Linda Schuyler! You bitch! He was the cutest. And I was also sad when Craig left, and especially sad when I had to kick him out of the bar I was working at because the liquor inspector was renewing our license that night and he wasn't 19. Damn you, Jake Epstein and your gorgeous bone structure and crippling acne. I too know the ills of acne. Damn you, skin!!
Moving on.
Last nights was a bit of a nail biter. Well, not really, but as close to one as you get on Degrassi. Remember Religious McGee Darcey Edwards from last season? Nope? The one with shitty Hair Do! by Ken Paves extentions and skin like a well-used Louis Vuitton? Yeah, you remember. Anyways, she is dating the principal's son (the badass who likes to film/tape/watch girls doing seductive shit aka he is a CM - Chronic Masturbator). So she goes to this snowboard party, which happens after a very Monkees-esque montage of her falling down the slopes. It honestly looked like it was edited by Benny Hill. So yeah, she then leaves her drink unnattended (retard) and someone roofes-it. Are people still roofing drinks? Really? We haven't evolved much over the past 20 years have we. So then she goes night-night on the couch and some guy takes her into the bedroom. But we can't leave it there - she has promised to be a virgin till marriage and uh-oh, she is gonna get raped! But not just any raped...she is lying tummy-down on the bed. That's right, butt rape! The owiest of the rapes. Will she lose her V to a dick-in-a-box (by box I mean butt)? I sure hope so! We need some dramz on Degrassi. Ever since Manny "Mucho Sucio Chola" Sanchez dyed her hair an abysmal shade of blonde, we need to kick it up a notch. Speaking of kicking up a notch, can we lose Liberty? She is so annoying and has terrible lips. Lips like two obese slugs fighting over a Christmas ham.
DPOTW (Degrassi Prediction of the Week):
Okay, so we all know that Darcy is in for it, but just how in for it is she?
a) peen in the vageen
b) dick-in-a-butt
c) option a, but with a pregnancy scare
d) turns into a slut a la Manny
e) Jaws returns to his home planet

I'm back and I brought you something!

Click to make big.

So, as you know from my last post, I was up north this weekend. It was pretty fun - I got some new Sorels and got to snuggle my dog's brains out (well, as much as my allergies could handle).
But I was able to get a really nice little piece of grafitti for you all. I don't like to explain jokes that tell themselves, but there is too much backstory to this. Okay, so my parents live up north...waaaay up north. Where deer fucking run out into the street 8 times a day. Kind of like Northern Exposure, but maybe not as rural. Anyways, you get the idea. Hicks a'plenty. So in case you can't read this properly, it says If yew see the feds, Warner Brother. Get it? Warn a Brother? Who knew thugs could write Laugh In-caliber jokes? Let's take a look at the few errors in this tag, shall we?
- the Feds aka FBI aka America's Mounties do not work in rural Canada.
- the only crime they have up north is drunk driving (in spades) to which it would not be necessary to call a friend and warn them. Cops can hear drunk driving a mile away (its pretty damn loud when you wrap your car around a tree).
- there are no 'brothers' up north. The closest you get to not-white is when the Jewish kids come up to Camp Tamarak in the summer.

Oh fuck.

Remember when Thursdays was all about Turd-lebrity Gossip? Well, I have sat idly-by for too long. Apparently, there is this girl, Britney Spears, and she... never mind. It's too early for me to pretend I don't know who Britney Spears is. So I am definately "borrowing" this image from the hotness that is Michael K at Dlisted. Deal with it. Stealing is a victimless crime (like punching someone in the dark). Speaking of which, I wish someone would punch Britney Spears in the face just for shits and giggles, but I'm not that lucky, so we'll have to settle for pubic (typo, but I'm keeping it) humiliation. Let's take a look at what my crack-riddled brain thinks of these covers. Warning: I'm gonna be pretty assy about this. I look forward to a good cover story about Stars without Makeup and Who's Gay in Tinseltown and such, and this week I'm SOL (actually...Shit Out Of Luck...shouldn't that be SOOL? That's right, I'm sool fucking pissed off. Was that a pun?)

PEOPLE
What they say: The Real Story - Britney's Mental Illness
What I say: What the fuck? You didn't have a more recent picture of Britney than that one?!? Jesus Christ, is that from the same roll of film that Stronger was shot on? Did you have to root through the TeenPeople archives?

OK!
What they say: Last day with Mommy
What I say: Who are those kids? Eyes focused, no cleft-palate...where are the kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? It looks like Britney ran up to two children at the supermarket and went "Hey, y'all! Take a picture of me with these here puppies!"

IN TOUCH
What they say: Pregnant Jamie-Lynn dumped
What I say: This just in - when I was 16, I would have KILLED to have been pregnant and dumped. Why? Because that would mean that a) I would have had a boyfriend and b) that I wouldn't have been a virgin hopelessly watching Making the Band every Friday night wondering what a 'date' looked like. Count your lucky stars, bitch.

Star
What they say: INSANE!
What I say: Yep, you pretty much summed it all up. Homegirl hopped the Crazy Train to Loonyville (which I believe makes a stop in the junction of Batshit-Crazy)

Life & Style
What they say: What her kids saw
What I say: Pfft, whatever. Like I'm gonna believe a 3 year old. One thing I know - Bitches be crazy, I be lazy, 3 year olds is fibbers. What have I been smoking this morning? Oh yeah, the noxious gas that's been leaking out from under my air conditioner. Fuck you and the 8-eyed milkshake monster you rode in on.

US
What they say: Time Bomb
What I say: Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac. Yes, I went there. God, I was so missunderstood and angsty at 17. Only Rancid knew what I was going through. Two parents, happily married. Good school, had a job and spending money. Straight A student. Not hideous or fat. Pfft...society...FUCK YOU WORLD!

Well, that's it for today, I think. I'm going to be going away to the mental ward tomorrow. Just kidding, going to my parents. One in the same, really! Jokes, I love my parents. But long story short, I will be on a bus tonight and sleeping in tomorrow, so don't expect anything new until Monday. Take tomorrow off! You deserve it.
Peace out!

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Am I on drug-a-lugs here, or is Amanda Lepore extremely pretty? She has gone from dude to gay to pre-op to post-op to hideous freak to somewhat like a woman to 'wow. holy shit, Amanda Lepore is gorgeous'. Now, this isn't the first time I have written about Lepore. I seriously wish I could be friends with her. I bet she is super interesting. Fuck! Just as I wrote that, I started choking on pineapple juice. That's God's way of saying "get a fucking life". You got it, old man! Anyways, she is photoshopped within an inch of her life here, and I don't care. If I could, I would have every photo of me re-touched so that my skin looks like wax fruit and my eyes look like marbles.

Happy Wednesday!

Hey friends! So, not much of a post today - the shit has hit the fan in my life, so to speak. I have a crapload of work at work, plus I am going away for the weekend up north, which means I am taking diction lessons to improve my 'Hick'. Additionally, I have been picked up to write for a magazine. Oh yeah, a real magazine. One you can hold in your hand or take into the washroom when you poo and then I will judge you. Anyways, I have 2 articles coming due and I need to get that shit ready. So, tomorrow I promise your asses a good-ass post. But for today, you will just have to enjoy this picture of a 5-mice suicide. Come on, it's been years - haven't they learned what a mousetrap is yet? We made a fucking boardgame about it, for Chrissakes.

What was up with American Gladiators last night?

You know, besides the obvious (that the show is fucking retarded).I had to post this picture of Malibu again. Shit, something tells me that 90's Mayor (back when I was but a wee School Trustee or Secretary of...I clearly don't know the levels of civic leadership) I probably had a crush on Malibu. And if I had to wager a guess, I would predict that Malibu has spent all his Gladiator money and is doing rails off an LA club owner's balls in exchange for a hot meal. Imagine if, in reality, he had a wife and children? Then what I just said would be considered slanderous (and also very funny).
Okay, so last night was...something. I can't quite put my finger on it. Wait, yes I can. Did it not seem super punny to you last night? "Little pigs, little pigs, come challenge me on the rings! The Wolf is hungry for some food! (Howls)"
Who is writing this stuff? I bet it's Malibu.
That 'good ol' boy' from the midwest was driving me insane. Everything out of his mouth was a crude stereotype. I almost turned off the TV when he said "it was just like rasslin' a hog back on the farm! Go America!" Uh, what? And then that blonde girl who kept speaking in motivational posters? "When I was up there on the rings with Crush, I just held on tight to my goals and believed I could achieve anything I set my mind to! Go America!" Shit, no wonder the terrorists hate us. And the Mom who is the North American grappling champion but spoke like she was always talking to a 3 year old? "That Gauntlet is sure a gosh-darn thingamagig of owies, but I managed to wiggle my little patootie outta there in record time! Go America!"
And then there was a black guy who really didn't fit a stereotype at all. He is a smart guy who went to college and loves his momma. I was hoping for his back story to be that he grew up on the mean streets of inner-city Chicago and killed his first Crip at 13 or something. Not so much.
Anyways, as usual, Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali were pretty stupid and provided me with an opportunity to check out other station's commercials. Muhammad Ali must be so proud, eh? Whatever, I will clearly be watching it next week (especially since Monday television is a steaming pile of homeless dookie).

GINGER TUESDAYS WILL RESUME NEXT WEEK.

Oh shit, did you watch American Gladiators last night?!?

This was definately the best image I could find for American Gladiators. First off, there was a deaf Gladiator? Second, there is a magazine called Deaf Life? What's the point, is the thing printed in braille? Okay, so last night was AMAZING! Holy shit, when I heard that NBC was bringing back American Gladiators, I shit my pants. I am serious, I had to throw the pants out. I murdered them. So last night I got nice and cozy on the couch with a plate of grapes (for show) and a bag of chips (for eating) and prepared for some classic 90's campy fluff. Shit, NBC really re-tooled it. I was expecting an hour of vaguely homoerotic party-games and instead I got 2 whole hours of uninterruped tough-guy posturing. The sets are pretty much the same: there is the Gauntlet and Pyramid and the one with the rings over the pool. Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali are hosts, which kinda cheapens it with a Surreal Life vibe. And of course the contestants are a motley crew of Ex-Marines and Firefighters. But the real difference is the Gladiators. Let me break it down for you...
90's Lady Gladiator
2008 Lady Gladiator
90's Dude Gladiator
2008 Dude GladiatorDuh, of course the guys are just as faggo-y (are we not familiar with that Kids in the Hall bit? Faggos? Nope? Moving on). Let's just say they probably do more than just fight with those giant Pedestal Joust batons. What the fuck? Wow, that was hateful. Sorry urrbods, but let's face it; American Gladiators has more than just a titch of homoeroticism (a sampling of Gladiator names: The Wolf, Hammer, Titan) . And I'm not complaining! It makes for some awesome television! Okay, so albeit that it is pretty gay (spandex, silver, kneepads, an extensive staff of hairstylists) but you have to be fit as hell to be on that show. I can't even imagine how far I would get. I could probably climb up the cargo net, but I would have to stop for several breaks and a nap.
So yeah, it's on again tonight, NBC 8pm. I URGE you to watch it - I promise, you will love it. Trust, you don't need to like sports or working out or any of that shit to totally get into this garbage. Fuck, I can't believe that I have added American Gladiators and The Biggest Loser to my weekly TV repetoire. WILL THE WGA STRIKE END ALREADY?!?

Love me love me, pretend that you love me...

How much did I love Love Fool back in the day? I'm gonna Limewire that shit right now. Anyways, it's that time of the year - time to vote for the Eighth Annual Weblog Awards aka The Bloggies aka The People Who Need to Get Out More. Prove how much you love The Skip-Raid and nominate it for Best Humourous Weblog and Best-kept Secret Weblog. Vote for me here.
Let's see if I can't win a Bloggie! And if not, then let's see if I can't storm the stage high out of my mind and try to take Toronto Street Fashion's Bloggie away from them. Do it now! And vote as many times as you'd like!
Free BJs for everyone who votes! (God, was I raised in the garbage?)
UPDATE! It seems several of you are having a hard time voting. You need to vote for 3 different blogs in any category you like. Here are a few freebies: Dlisted.com, Joe Mathlete...and, well, mine. Do it to it! You can enter Skip-Raid in as many categories as you'd like (like Best Asian Blog!)

Is it too late to nominate someone for the Kennedy Centre Honours?!

Okay, so I have no idea what the Kennedy Centre Honours are, but I do know they happen in Washington and are somewhat prestigious. Do we know if the Nobel Prize has some sort of category for the Arts? I sure hope so, because I have discovered a gem. Last night at the gym, my headphones were plugged into a music channel on TV and I was treated to Ashlee Simpson's newest music video Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya). And let me tell you; my life has been changed. This is the most original, grounbreaking video I have seen. Not since Thriller has the audience been held captive in awe at such greatness. From the Gwen Stefani-esque surrealism, What You Waiting For-like costumes and set design, and Gwen Stefani-esque vocal range and tone all the way to the No Doubt-like straight jacket scenes, I was baffled. How has an artist, nay...and artiste, like Ashlee Simpson and her completely originial talents gone under tha radar for so long? Well, she can now add another classic to the Simpson catalogue of totally original songs, along with Boyfriend (stellar), La La (pure poetry), L-O-V-E (words cannot describe it), and Pieces of Me (power ballad).
It's no doubt that Ashlee has a classic song on her hands here, but the video? Can we not nominate music videos for the Short Film category at the Academy Awards? Because this would sweep the ceremony for sure. Never has imagery on film been so original and never-before-seen. I can just imagine the look on Jack Nicholson's face as he opens the envelope to see Outta My Head win it's 17th Oscar.
Now, while this video is as close to perfect as you can get (I'd say its 99.99% of the way there) you can always add a few more elements to make it really reach up to Heaven and touch God. Here are a few things I would add to make this video extend to extreme greatness (or X-tremess G). The following ideas are completely original and are property of my amazing brain:

- Have Ashlee dance in the street with an animated street-wise cat named MC Skat Kat

- Ashlee could go back and forth between our world and the illustrated world of a comic book (maybe because she could fall in love with a boy from there). This will work particularily well if she does this in an 80's diner.

- Ashlee playing guitar in a grungy band in a low-ceilinged basement while dozens of disillusioned youth dance mopely around her (I call it 'moshing'). Maybe another established artist could cameo on the drums. Maybe someone from Foo Fighters or Queens of the Stone Age or something.

- Ashlee could be dancing beside a waterfall, and then at some point will actually turn into a water version of herself and dance on water.

- Ashlee's hands could turn into claymation sledgehammers and hit her in the face.

- Ashlee could dress up like a living doll (like Barbie) and live in a world of all of Barbie's things. Pete Wentz could be her doll boyfriend (Ken?)

- A segment could have everything, including Ashlee, made out of lego (Gondry might be a good director for this).

- Ashlee could be a singer in a club and Melissa Joan Hart would be a waitress, and there would be a choreographed dance number.

- Ashlee could sing on the roof of a building (this one might be hard to pull off - in order for the sound to travel, you have to actually play live. Also Outside = Snipers).

Marriage and Mondays and Getting back on track.

Hey retards, how was your New Years? You back yet? My damn traffic calculator looks pretty bleak. I think 10 of you visited over the Holidays. Good for you! It means you have a damn life, but it also means I won't be making as much money this month. Beh, not much I can do about that. Thank god for a day job (which I really shouldn't be slacking at - it's a thin line between me and the poorhouse). Anyways, Let me tell you that things will be back to normal on Monday. That's right - I am going back to the original menu and writing all week. Now, don't go chasing waterfalls - not all posts will be created equal. Some will be short and tiny, like todays. But here is what will all go down:
Mondays - random shit, maybe a YouTube video or two. Interviews if I have them.
Tuesdays - GINGERS
Wendnesdays - The Biggest Loser and Law & Order SVU recap.
Thursdays - ANTM or CNTM or whatever else I can think of.
Fridays - 30 Rock Recap and such. Also, new movies. Also also, random thoughts. So lots to look forward to, right? I would say so. Can't go wrong with that all-star lineup!
In other news, my bf's sister got engaged over New Years. Golf claps. Just kidding! Her fiance is super-sweet and I know they will have a great wedding. Why? Because I am gonna be in it. Yep, someone smoked a bunch of crack and decided that I would make a good bridesmaid (come on, you know that in real life I am pleased as punch). Anyways, I was thinking about wedding and sweet songs and stuff (which is hard, because my heart can't take that much stress) and I stumbled upon one of my favourite songs. It's from the Flip Wilson show from a million years ago, but it is damn good. If you can get past the horrible costumes and the blatant lip-synching, you can totally enjoy this little ditty from The Chi-Lites. Holy shit, tell me you don't love this song. This is baby-makin' music.

Tuesdays are the new Mondays

That sounded so fucking gay, am I right? But it's true - I have fallen in love with the Tuesday prime-time lineup. Well, just two shows. Let's not jump to things here. As you all know, I am a big-time Law & Order SVU nerd, and last night featured none other than Arrested Development's ANN. Who? Yeah right, anyways, it was awesome - it was about street kids who live on the street in this little family of runaways. Like Oliver! Except no singing and more murdering to prove you're the Dad of the family. Yeah, I know it sounds lamer than a 3-legged mule, but it was so good. Also Ann (real name Mae Whitman) wasn't just a little cameo - she was pretty much the star. Sadly, her acting skills last night reminded me of a young Melissa Joan Hart, which is no good. Melissa Joan Hart couldn't act her way out of an SVU bit-part (which she tried to do this season, natch). Hhhhennyways, it was really good and as usually, ADA Novak pulled some sneaky shit in the courtroom which sent Ann to pris-onne for 'attemped' or 'puppeteering' or something. I should know this shit, my Pops was a cop. But yeah, it was pretty damn great. Law & Order SVU is really good. I know that you could pick pretty much any random message board online and it will be nothing but "SVU sux so hard Mariska is GAY" (which is all sorts of wrong; Mariska is not gay, she is in love with Det. Stabler, and I hate when people spell sucks as 'sux'. It looks like it should be pronounced like socks). But these lonely losery souls are the same people who generally LOVE Grey's Anatomy and LOST and stuff. Oh, and Prison Break. They love thems some Wentworth Miller.
Moving on...
Tuesday night is also the night that The Biggest Loser comes on. And while I am not a huge fan of reality TV that is void of a models/Tyra/TeenVOGUE/vapid Laguna bitches, I LOVE this one! Okay, here is the rundown: a bunch of fatties (in this case - partners of fatties, like a mom and a daughter, or two best friends) compete every week to lose the most weight. Now, I know this sounds like life in a Sorority House (I Felta Thi), but trust, these people are like 300+ pounds. They needs to lose some poundage. Okay, so yeah, then at the end of the week, whoever lost the greatest percentage of weight wins and the two couples that lost the least percentage of weight are then pitted against the rest of the group. Oh yeah, the rest get to choose who they want out. At the end, the winner wins $250 thousand, but what they really win is a new body that isn't as hideously gross as the one pre-show. And really, who deserves it more than the unsung heroes, the Fatties? Without them, I wouldn't know whether or not to try the new Gordita or KFC Bowl or Diet Sparkle. I would not know what clothes have become unfashionable. I would have warmth if stranded on Hoth. People, I would KILL to be on this show. Now before you start thinking that I am some obese Cartman sitting in front of my Mac, I'm not. I just want to lose 3 pounds (Mean Girls? Anyone?) but imagine getting to work every day with a trainer who is screaming at you to work out? That's what I need. I found out this weekend that I will get to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in August, and let me tell you, I REFUSE to be the fat bridesmaid. There is always one, isn't there? All the little ducks all lined up in a row, so pretty, and then WHOAH! A giant Manitee has wiggled up the beach into a wedding party. Not I, I say. I cannot, nay, will not, be the beached wedding whale.
So in conclusion, every Wednesday will be about SVU and the Biggest Loser. It airs at 8 and I urge you to watch it. If not just for the tears (oh shit, they all cry ALL THE TIME!!!)
Also, if you want to see the real loser, check out the detailed Wikipedia entry for this season.