Today is March 1st, dammnit.

Let it be known that I don’t believe in Leap Years. February 29th is bizarre and I don’t trust it. Why do we need to fake a day every 4 years? It makes no sense. It also makes little sense to have Daylight Savings Time. It’s bogus. Just like the Moon Landing. I’m no crackpot, but does anyone else out there believe the Moon Landing was faked, too? Come on – there is so much damn evidence to prove it was faked. And for all the smarmy bastards sitting on your high horses, riddle me this; if the Moon Landing was real, then why have they not done it again. Prove me wrong, America! Prove me wrong. But enough about my crackpot skeptic theories…
Today is Friday, and l won’t lie – I had nothing planned for today. I went home from work yesterday clinging to the cold, clammy hands of life on the bus. I seriously thought I was going to hurl on the busride home (would not be the first time. But that’s a story for another day. Maybe Monday). So I got home and climbed into a warm bath and then straight into pyjamas. I then watched one our of The Office and went to bed. I was all cuddled up like a warm cinnamon bun. Fuck, the worst part was waking up at 7am (I slept 10 hours) and felt like I hadn’t slept at all. Don’t you hate that?!? I feel like I hadn’t slept at all.
Ugh, this is turning into one of ‘those blogs’. You know – ones where people write random shit about their life that no one gives a flying fuck about? This morning I woke to the sun shining in my eyes – not a good start. I placed my warm feet on the cold floor and walked calmly to the kitchen for a bowl of Grape Nuts. Drats, there were none. I had to settle for Total, a lesser cereal in my mind. Crunch crunch crunch went the flakes in my dry mouth…
And so on. God, who the hell reads that shit? I’d rather let Javier Bardem take a dump on my chest. Then again, I would let him do that anyways. He could take 3 paella dumps on me and I would ask for a 4th. I have issues. Anyways, moving on.

Do you like Facebook? Who doesn’t, am I right? What’s not to love about an Online Popularity Contest? So if you are on Facebook (which, don’t lie, I know you are) then you should join The Skip-Raid Facebook Fanclub. For reals. You will get updates and pictures and...uh…love? I bring you love? Fuck, just join it. Do you really need a reason? I have seen some of the lame-ass clubs you guys join, so why not join this fan club. God! That always sounds so gay to me! Did you ever belong to a fan club? I did – I was a member of the Babysitter’s Club fan club. I know, I was a fucking loser. But don’t lie to me and tell me you weren’t a member of the NKOTB fan club or something like that. A couple of friends of mine were in the NSYNC fan club in High School. And when I say High School, I mean like grade 11 or something. They were too old for that shit.
Leave what fan clubs you were members of in the comments. Oh, and don’t forget to join The Skip-Raid Facebook Fanclub.

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 2

Intern Tylerface: KAY SO BASICALLY. Fatima is a bitch - but an innocent bitch? Girl has valid points, but doesn't know what the fuck she's saying or when to stop. When another girl has a knife to you're throat; you shut up. Fact. (Kay, that didn't happen - but it might. Trust.) Marvita likes to say "The meanest African I know!" all the time. Um, girl. You're up there, too - so you'd best tone that down - but she and Fatima sorted it all out! Besides, it's a family drama! ALSO! Did you enjoy the new theme song video thing? I sure did. Taking Saleisha was the best thing Tyra's done for the show since Janice left. Mind you, Saleisha winning was the WORST thing Tyra's done for the show, so I guess all in all - she's breaking even so far, but she's bound to fuck it up. Seriously, if I see one more super hero, space adventure or freefalling photo shoot again I will kill someone. So, runway show. Boring, pretty much everyone sucks. Lauren cannot walk, like at all - but bitch has an amazing face. Kimberly was like "It's crazy to pay like, $2000 on an outfit, like that's totally crazy. Ya know?" and I'm all "What the fuck are you doing here then?" and it didn't click! She was the one Tyra went fucking batshit on in panel! Long story short it went something like this:

"I'm not interested in fashion."
*collective gasp!*
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to be here?"
"No."
"Then leave."

BUT OF COURSE SHE WAS GOING HOME. I mean, they picked 14 girls, right? And Tyra said even though one quit putting the number to 13, she was still going to eliminate someone. Meaning they'd be at the number of girls they usually would! So, that means there's another RE-CAP episode. Oh, fuck me.

The Mayor: Also this episode we got our new judge! Who would be joining Janice Dickinson and Twiggy in the Old Hag Club? That's right, the glamorous and famous Paulina Porzikova.
Insert cricket noises here.
I know, I have no idea either. I had to actually Google her to find out how to spell her name correctly. From now on, we will refer to her as Not-Twiggy, because she isn't Twiggy. It seems she also isn't employed, because she took a job on ANT-motherfucking-M. Another notable note is Miss J's glitter velcro-name jacket. I wish he would rip the name off when the girl is standing there. Imagine how awesome that would be? Tyra is like "you have to pack up your bags and leave the house" and then Miss J rips that velcro name off and throws it at her. Can this be arranged? Can a bucket of pig's blood be arranged? No? Ugh, I never get what I want.
Anyways, let's move on to the vermin, shall we?ANYA
This week's winner was Anya aka Hawaii. She is gonna be around for a while, I can feel it. She has something, and I think she will get better as the weeks progress. And thankfull this isn't America's Next Top English Speaking Person, because she would be dead in the water. If you want to write something that sounds like Anya, go to Babelfish and type in a sentance. Translate it from English to Japanese, then back to English again. It's fun, watch...
"Tyra! I am be this way happy for on the next highest model of America! Each day a new challenge, and I is will not let down you!"
It actually sounds less retarded than when they read out the LED Tyra mails. Anyways, this week's loser (but aren't they all?) was...ATALYA
Grow up, bitch! How many times did I need to hear her be like "I'm justa kid! I miss my mama!!" Ugh, shit. Cut the strings already. You can tell she is gonna be one of those women who gets married and moves into the house next door to her mom. I loved though when they kicked her out and she was like "the hardest part will be going back to my family". Uh, what? Don't you live for Friday Night Scrabble with your family? Bleh, I can't even bother to make more jokes about her. Dunzo!AIMEE
Snore...ALLISON
Why has no one made the Sarah Silverman connection yet? Just looks though. Sarah is sharp as a tack, and Allison is dumb as a pile of dogshit.
Jay: Do you have dance training?
Allison: I do pilates.
Whaaa? What a fucking retard. He asked if you dance, not if you do pointless stretches. Oh well, she looks like a wet bag of clothes anyways.AMOS
I know she thinks she is more quirky than a pile of Juno DVDs, but she tries so damn hard, it is killing me. Ugh, she is so painfully normal. I bet she watches Gossip Girl and owns Fergie's album.CLAIRE
Fantasgreat. She is gonna be one of the last 3 names on Miss J's coat (if she doesn't go all "boo hoo, I miss my baby" on us).DOMINIQUE
Why was she so surpirsed when Paulina called her a tranny? Something tells me she's no stranger to this scenario: meet a guy at da' cluub, goes back to his place, he takes one look at the vag and goes "oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping you were pre-op".FATIMA
Do you not see Jessica Alba in this picture? I do. Am I cray-cray? You know Fats thought she was going to win this week. She is good, but she needs to check her ego at the door (the hell? Am I a Highschool Gym teacher now?)KATTERGINNA
Tyra said she looked a lot like Paulina. Duh, all us Slavics look alike. We're like Asians - you can't tell us apart.KIMBERLY
Don't let the door hit your fucked-up face on the way out! LAUREN
Something seems fake about Lauren. I'm not sure why...oh yeah, a real punk wouldn't audition for ANTM. Her shot is okay. But then again, you really can't fuck up 'homeless'.MARVITA
Her shot is great. i am rooting for her. I really honestly believe herr story. But when she said she was homeless at 18, something tells me it was probably just for the weekend or something.STACY-ANN
Something about Stacy-Ann screams Chilis waitress. And, lucky for her, most Chilis will hold your job for you while you take a leave of absence. WHITNEY
...doesn't really look that fat in her picture. Hmmm. Dare I say it? I think she is actually good. Not great, but good. I have a sneaking suspicion she will be most successful fatty in ANTM history. Ahaha, what am I saying? I act like that is a good thing.

Next week on America's Next Top Model...Allison says something rude to Fatima. Let me guess...something about Female Circumcision. Maybe she will ask if she can use tampons or something. WHY IS CYCLE 10 SO LAME?!?
Aaaaannndd...MAKEOVERS aka Tears n' Weaves. I can’t wait to see what they do to Dominique; I’m betting on less hair and more estrogen shots.

A new study suggests that Christians are having nasty, Christ-filled sex. This just in, I barfed myself.

I know you don't like hearing this, but you were created by your parents furious fucking. I know, its gross. But it's true, and you can't escape that. Your Dad sprayed semen all up in your Mom's vagina. Why does everyone get so grossed out at that? It's true. How depressing would it be to imagine your parents going at it like efficient Germans, void of any and all romance or sexyness? Ugh, so sad. Less sad than imagining how your Dad felt when he had to sleep in his car until the divorce was finalized. I digress. Many times I have heard the mystery of a certain Christian Sex Toy website, My Beloved's Garden (mybelovedsgarden.net). Well, I finally took the time to search for it online and browse their products. If you are thinking this is gonna be the same lame shit you see on other sex toy sites (you visit that many sex toy sites?), you are sorely mistaken. I found the good shit. I mean, shoot. I found the good shoot. Or do Christians say sugar? Let's do this thing!

First off, you are greeted by this:
Welcome! We provide a safe, non-pornographic place to shop for all your Christian sex toys and romance needs, while keeping Jesus at the centre of your marriage.
Huh? The phrase sex toys alone speaks volumes about porno without ever seeing a boob. Also, if you have any questions, they have a seperate phone number for men and women to call. I assume it's so you can speak to someone of the opposite gender and talk out your dirtiest fantasies to them.I tried real hard to find anal beads or butt plugs and stuff, but Christians don't seem to be down with the dirt road. This was as close to anal stuff as I could get. Although it describes it as DOUBLE ACTION EXCITERS are TURBO powered multi-speed DUAL ACTION stimulators with accentuated heads for ultra sensations!, I am assuming that means use the larger one on God's most precious vagina, and the smaller on your poop chute.This one is called the Tsunami Stimulator Torpedo and they describe that you will Experience the awesome power of nature as this tidal wave of pure pleasure engullfs you. Tidal waves, eh? Just like the ones that engulfed Jonah and made him get swallowed by a whale? Huh? Right? They were going with a cryptic bible story and not just a lame attempt at 'sexy talk', right?Uh...is this the kind of stuff your pastor had in mind during couple's councilling?Nipple clamps, eh? Who knew that waiting till marriage fucked people up so bad.I get that they want to take out the naughty bits from the lingerie, but do they have to use Microsoft Paint so poorly and with such little precision that it turns the models into victims of leprosy?
And yeah, that's a thong with suspenders.I fucking love man-thongs with animals and critters and stuff. They are as funny as when you put sunglasses on a baby. I really don't know who finds this stuff sexy, though. Who doesn't laugh at this stuff? Its all well and good when the duck is on a buff, waxed model. But please imagine this on your average Charlie Church. Also, imagine him and his wife praying to God Heavenly Father, please be with us during this most holy of acts. Watch over us as we join together in love and Christ. Amen. Alright, honey, its time to put the duck in the ark.

But the weirdest thing is in the FAQs. They ask about what is Biblically ok as far as sex, and what God sees as a no-no. Apparently, two men kissing is a big no-no. Sex before marriage is also not happening. Making a little money from giving bj's in the park? No way. But this?This is a-ok with the Big G.

Ginger Tuesday

Okay, so obviously the new Ginger website isn't completely up yet. Yeah, I'm lazy. Remember when I was sick last week? When was I supposed to get it all done? Fuck, you're right. I'm a lazy bitch and I should have gotten my ass in gear. I was actually debating whether or not I wanted to do a Ginger post, or watch Oliver Stone's The Doors. Luckily for me, The Doors was made for simpletons who's minds have been ravaged by acid, so I can do both at the same time. Anyways, I don't want to leave you hanging like a pair of old schwetty balls, so here is today's Ginger!!Name: Susan Sarandon
Age: I dunno...77? Old, that's all I know.
Why is she famous? Doye, she's Shawshank's wifey! Just kidding. Susan Sarandon is a hot bitch. She can out-act any Hollywood broad any day of the week. Plus, she is funny as heckers and doesn't take herself too seriously. My only issue with her is that she's so 1 step forward, 2 steps back. It seems like just when she makes a really good movie, she follows it up with 1 or 2 really bad ones. The fuck? Does Tim Robbins have an expensive drug habit or something? Why is she so hard up for dollars?
For instance...
The Rocky Horror Picture Show...is awesome (albeit the last 10 minutes are so fucking weird)
Bull Durham...is probably shit. I haven't seen it, but I knows what I likes, and I knows what I hates. And I hates baseball and Kevin Costner.
Thelma & Louise...is a "chick flick", yes, but it is pretty damn good. They do go crazy and kill themselves at the end. What more do you want from a movie?
Little Women...was so sappy. Crap, I liked it at the time, but that's because I was 11 years old.
That time she played the ballet teacher on The Simpsons...was very funny. "Bart! Leap! Leap like you've never lept before!"
Dead Man Walking...got her an Oscar, so I guess that's good.
Stepmom...ugh, do I need to even explain why that was a shitty choice?
Anywhere But Here...uh oh, there's two bad ones in a row...
The Banger Sisters...yikes, someone needs to turn this car around and drive back to Winnipeg...
Shall We Dance?...uh oh, too late. We've crashed the station wagon into a telephone pole and the car has burst into flames.
Elizabethtown...oh yeah, here come's the meatwagon. The new guys' in the corner, puking his guts out, while the coroner says "Oh...My...God"

But you know, I guess she wants to keep working, so I can't hate on her. But if she wants another Oscar, she is gonna have to do some more serious shit. No more "mid-life crisis soccer mom" shit. She needs to get real Lizard King Jim Morrison. Imagine an Indian following her ass around. Get high in a cave, stuff like that. Sorry, I got really into The Doors. Just remember; if you give this man a ride, sweet family will die. Killer on the road.

The 80th Annual Oscar F*ckfest!!

I love this picture. Cher is such a hot piece of trash - I love how balls to the walls she was. I love that she won. Fucking Halfbreed and Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives won an Oscar.
Anyways, how lame was that CGI-shitstorm opening? The Back to the Future Delorean? Ripley from Alien? Fucking John Travolta and Mary Poppins? Ew. John Stewart's monologue was pretty good - he threw in a couple of jokes I liked. But all in all, I wanted to hear who was winning and shit. Not that I give a crap - I would have traded in that 4 hour fuckfest for 4 hours staring at a picture of Javier Bardem with his shirt off. But then again, that's how I spend most of my free time. Hey-o! No, really, I am such a loser. Anyways, here are the winners (along with my smarmy-ass commentary).

BEST CARTOON
Ratatouille
I'm glad this won. I love charming stories about rats touching my food. I didn't see Persepholis, but I heard it was good. And Surf's Up? What the hell? Was it that hard to find another animated movie?

BEST WAY TO MAKE EDDIE MURPHY INTO A CHINESE STEREOTYPE
La Vie En Rose
NORBIT WAS ROBBED!!

BEST ACTOR WHO'S INITALS ARE JB AND WHO'S NAME SOUNDS LIKE HAVE A CAR BOREDOM
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Oh come on - he had it in the bag (I'd let Javier put his bag anywhere on my face. Hey-o! I bet it smells like paella). But how hot was it when he said half of his speech in Spanish? Santa Maria, that man is a piece or work. Anyways, he totes deserved it. I hope he doesn't succumb to the Oscar Curse like Cuba Gooding Jr. did - were you watching the Best Supporting Actor montage? Oooh, that's gotta sting for a man who's most dignified role to date has been in Daddy Day Camp.

BEST WAIT, WHAT?
"Academy Award-nominated Owen Wilson"
I actually had to IMDB him to see what the hell he was nominated for. Writing for The Royal Tennenbaums. Yeah, okay.

BEST ACTING BY SOMEONE WHO IS 100% MORE DESERVING OF AN OSCAR THAN JENNIFER HUDSON
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Wha' Happun?!? Cate Blanchet was supposed to win! She played a dude, for chrissake! Tilda Swinton just played her Gingery self. But, like I have said before - the academy are suckers for disabilities. Gingervitis made her a shoo-in.

BEST RIPPED-OFF SCREENPLAY
No Country for Old Men
Well, that's nice. I love the Cohen brothers (even though Ethan has a horse mouth) and anyone who wrote The Big Lebowski can win any award they like (except for Best Nazis...I don't like Nazis).

BEST LADY ACTRESS (yeah, there's no joke here)
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
So I heard a bunch about this girl and this movie, but paid not too much attention to it. But when I saw that clip of herr from the movie, I was like buuuh? Holy crap, it looked like a totally different person! Good for her - out of that list, it just seemed so same-old, same-old. Cate Blanchet for Elizabeth? Have we not been down this road before? Laura Linney - she is so the new Meryl Streep. She get's nomintaed every year, and is a swell actress, but she really needs a fantastic role before she should win. The old broad from Away From Her; why did she get nominated? I act like I am slowly losing my mind on a daily basis, and you don't see people throwing statues at me (just pills). And DJ Dykemarch Ellen Page needs a few more notches in her belt before she should win an Oscar. Homegirl got luck-ay with that nomination.
So good job, Marion!

BEST ADORABLE OLD PERSON
Honorary Oscar for Robert Boyle
Hey hey, step back, Tommy Lee Jones. You're not the only old craggy man here...

BEST WRITER WHO WE WILL PROBABLY NEVER HEAR FROM AGAIN
Diablo Cody, Juno
Let's face it - homegirl is a feel-good story, like Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Waste of 2 Hours) and we will never see her again. Peace out, Diablo!

BEST ACTOR (yeah, no joke here, either)
Daniel Day Lewis, There Will be Blood
Ugh, I hate Oscars like this where you know who is going to win without even seeing the movies. The past 3 have been like this; remember the years of Forrest Whittaker and Phillip Seymour Hoffman? Did they really need to nominate 4 other actors? They might as well have just nominated people for jokes. Eddie Murphy for Norbit, Hayden Christiansen for Jumper, Shia LeBeuf for Transformers.
Anyways, George Clooney didn't go home empty handed; he took home the award for Hottest Pepaw.

BEST POMPOUS GASBAG/DIRECTOR
The Cohen Brothers, No Country for Old Men
Meh, not much to say. They deserved it. I always think that one is a pre-op tranny, and then I remember that I am confusing them with the Wachowski brothers.

BEST MOVIE THAT WASN'T SUPERBAD
No Country for Old Men
HELLS YES!! If you read my 2007 Year End Review, you know that I was obsessed witht this movie. It was so kick-ass motherfucking tough. Holy shit, if you haven't seen it, go and see it. Seriously. If not for Javier Bardem and the hottness that is that Spanish Stallion, then for the good directing and well thought out...who am I kidding, see it for Anton Chigur and cowboy hottness Josh Brolin and Woody Harrelson.

So yeah, that's it, friends! Those are your Oscar weiners. See you tomorrow!!

A Skip-Raid Interview

Hello friends! Happy Friday! I realized that I had not done a good interview in a while, and you skidmarks seem to like them, so please help me welcome back semi-regular interviews! Remember waaay back in December when I said that one of my New Years resolutions was that I was going to try to get an interview with Amy Sedaris. Well, its almost the end of February and no Sedaris. So, you will have to take this as a consolation prize until then. Today we sit down with actor, writer, and generally very funny gentleman, Matt Watts.Full name: Matthew Gordon Watts

Occupation: Writer, Actor... Bum.

Where you live: Toronto

Where we can find you: mattwatts.ca - It's just a stupid blog... Initially it was supposed to be a daily record of all my various methods of procrastination, but that became to difficult to maintain (I have a limited attention span), so I write something stupid once a month about where various projects are at... I think the only people who read it are my family so they know I'm not dead.

Where might we recognize you from?
If anything it'd be The Newsroom. You might recognize my voice from the show I'm working on now, a CBC Radio drama called "Canadia: 2056"... A sci-fi comedy that I also write. There, shameless self promotion over.

I know you from The Destructo Brothers, but many of The Skip-Raid's readers (especially the American ones) have no effing clue what that is. Explain, will you?
Jesus that's a while a go... I'm doing the math... I was 17 when I did that show. I'm 32 now... So... 15 years ago? Wow. It was this... Uhh... Really cheap YTV, "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" type knock-off... I played one of the two Destructo Brothers: Murray Destructo. And through a series of... "skits" we would give clues as to the location of an artifact or something in the world. And the audience would phone in once they figured out what we were talking about, and win some kind of lame prize.

Why is it that everytime I got all the clues together and called in, I never got an answer. That shit was rigged, wasn't it?
I remember asking the producers if it was rigged, and they explained to me that it wasn't, and how there were different answers for each time zone... And who knows... I don't remember... I was 17! I was just hoping it would get me girls (It didn't.) What was the prize anyway? A thing of fries? If you feel that ripped off, I can buy you a thing of fries.

Who from the cast of Destructo is doing something other than soft-core Canadian Porn?
They're all in porn, I think. According to Imdb (not anymore, they've fixed it) I dabbled in porn. German porn.

You gave me grief for hating on Roman Danylo. Why the fuck do people stick up for this guy? Does his family have ties to the Mafia or something?
Roman Danylo is the kindest, bravest, warmest most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

I have never watched The Newsroom. Tell me what it is about and why I should take time away from my busy Corner Gas-watching schedule to watch it?
They're totally different. Newsroom is more Larry Sanders/Office type humor... If you like more subtle and dark comedy, then I'd say you should check out The Newsroom. If you like your laughs light-hearted and fun, then stick with Corner Gas. I lucked out getting that job, man. It's always been one of my favorite shows.
I miss it.
Life sucks.

When you are unemployed, do you ever stay up till 4am watching shitty movies on TBS till your sister would pound on the walls and yell at you to get a life and go to sleep? Cause that's what its like for me when I don't have a job.
I have no siblings. So I just keep watching shitty TV, and no one tells me to stop. I eventually stop when I'm all cried out.

What is your dog like?
Smart. And not in the way everyone says their dog is smart. I mean he's fucking S.M.A.R.T.True story: I told him to go find a stick once, and he went over to a tree and tried to break a branch from it. He's also my best friend. Is that sad? I'm kind of sad, I think.

Name one really awesome Canadian television show and one terrible Canadian show (that is currently airing new episodes)
Currently airing? No comment. I mean, I realize that in itself is a comment...They're all awesome and they're all terrible. There, how's that?

The Skip-Raid is written out of Toronto, and you are a Canadian. What is the one thing that you find Americans are most surprised to learn about Canadians?
The joke answer: We're just like them, but with huge sticks up our asses.
The serious answer: We feel incredibly inferior to Americans, and mask it by acting superior and holier-than-though. All we ultimately want, is their attention.
(ok, they were both kind of serious)

Did you know Rick Mercer was gay?
Of course! I hang around outside his studio and try to pick up all the disappointed fan girls.

What is your favourite animated show on TV right now?
South Park. It just gets better and better. Seriously, last seasons 3 part "Imaginationland" was brilliant and could have been released theatrically... I thought, anyway.

You grew up in Scarborough. Ever get shanked?
I moved to downtown Toronto when I was ten, so yeah, but only twice.

Would you rather crap your pants every day for the rest of your life, or have erectile disfunction every time you get biz-eh?
I spend most of my time worrying that i will either vomit or crap my pants in public, so I'll go with ED. Besides, no one would want to get biz-eh with me if I'd recently crapped my pants.... and it's not like with ED I can't "please her".

What's the last fight you got into?
I don't know. But the next fight will be when my girlfriend reads these answers and is all like, "what's with you and the picking up girls comments?" and I'll say, "It's just jokes, yo. that's how I roll." and she'll say, "you're 32, stop talking like an idiot." And I'll say, "whatevs."

I assume that everyone who works in Canadian Television knows eachother. Are you friends with Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice?
I met Kenny Hotz at a party once, and I was too intimidated to talk to him. I love those guys, I think their show is awesome. There! There's an awesome Canadian show! Ha!

Your ideal sandwich:
Grilled Cheese from a greasy spoon.

America's Next Top Model, Cycle X (that means 10)

Oh yeah, fucking reunited and it feels so good. How much were you missing ANTM? I know; it feels like just yesterday Saleisha was working her Tootie-ass haircut and flubbing her way through a CoverGirl commercial. But we are back. Cycle 10. 10 cycles, and the only thing to ‘top model’ we have gotten has been Adrienne Curry in Playboy? Wow. I would say it might be time to hang in the towel, but then my only source of stupid attention-seeking hos would be Rock of Love. But moving on. I have Tylerface back again (thank Jeebus – was I ever getting a shitstorm of hatemail after he left). And you know – Tylerface made a great point. ANTM is nothing but stupid white girls and crazy aggressive black girls.
And as always, I refer to the ANTM house as ‘The Dog Pound’, but since the house ahs moved to New York from LA, let’s call it ‘The Rat’s Nest’, shall we? Let’s take a look at this season’s vermin…(sidebar – all the comments are a combo of mine and Tylerfaces. I get too much grief for having long-ass ANTM posts, and this seems to be the only way around it. My apologies to Tylerface, who’s jokes may feel a little lost. Shine like a bright star, my angel! Ride the rainbows of love!)AIMEE
I think this is the one that was like "WANNA SEE MY PUBIC HAIR?!" Aimee is defs going to be the ‘maybe gay-be’ of Cycle 10. Trust.ALLISON
In pictures, she looks like Jaslene’s younger, less-tranny sister. On tape, she is straight-up Sarah Silverman. Bitch, Sarah do Jew better than you. Check yourself.AMIS
I bet she will be the one to change her name (remember how Tyra asked her and Aimee to separate their names?) She will probably go with something fucking stupid like Flower or Destiny. She looks really bored, and I bet she'll be really showing that during the competition. Go home, chilwe.ANYA
This is the Hawaiian girl who speaks with a really weird accent and it's hella annoying. She was like: "And tha foodt like, tastid sao goodt!" or something. Anyway; I've never heard a person from Hawaii sound like that. Also: Tyra was like "Do you got a surfers' accent?!" and she's like "Yeah, sure." Tyra. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. This is why you're a model.ATALYA
Nope. Don't remember. Get outta ma face.CLAIRE
Homegirl is exotic looking as hell, but she is such a fucking hippie. Jay was right – she will drop out of this competition because ‘models are vapid’ and ‘this industry is shallow’. Which is all code for ‘I’m an Oldie Olsen who is well past modeling prime and I won’t get much farther than modeling zipper pants on the Hot Topic website’.DOMINIQUE
This is the resident tranny of cycle 10. She looks like Katie Price (AKA: Jordan). And, that's not a good thing. At all.FATIMA
I really want to make a joke about Fatima (Tyler loves the hair, I hate it) but homegirl was the victim of FGM (female circumcision) when she was 7 back in Somalia. Think about all the dumb shit you complain about every day. Now think about getting your vag sewn shut. Now think about having your vag sewn shut, but looking fierce as hell. That’s Fatima.KATARZYNA aka Ted Kazinsky
What is it with East Block Euro Girls and ‘fashion model poses’? She reminds me of Borat; methinks we will be getting a lot of ‘wa-wa-wee-wa’ and ‘jagshemash’ from this one.KIMBERLY
Ahem. This girl looks like Julia Styles, who I think is pretty. So, not bad. She's also as retarded as Tara Reid. So, that cancels out how pretty she is and then some. She'll be like, three weeks into this, (if she even gets that far) and be like "Woah, who are you again?"LAUREN
She's like cycle 10's Jael. (Seriously, you can barely understand what she mumbles.) Her walk is bad, but she's interesting to look at and is obviously different from all the girls. Besides, the one that says something like "I didn't know what America's Next Top Model was before today..." are the most fun to watch. It's like watching a dog walk on it's hind legs. I think that she is the one Tyra reams out next week. MARVITA
She looks like Benny Ninja’s boyfriend. Also, one time I watched this documentary called Paris is Burning about the gay Vogue scene back in the late 80’s, and I think Benny Ninja is in it. Someone gets stabbed. It’s a great movie. I think Marvita is in it.STACY-ANN
She probably thought she was really turning Jay Manuel on with that lap dance. “Waitress? I ordered the beef, not the fish”. WHITNEY
The fatty of the year. That's twice now that the two plus size girls are named Whitney. It's a fat name! Maybe her last name is Swanson. Tyler, stop! I really wish there was a grocery crisis in the ANTM house and somebody tells Whitney “you are as big as a house, and you are eating us out of house and home”. I would. Just for funners!!
Next week…Tyra wigs out (ahahaa, no pun intended) on one of the girls for not wanting to be there. Tyler says it will be Lauren, I say Claire. There is also a runway show, to which I hope someone falls. Please god, let somebody go down like the Hindenburg.

Newz U Can Uze

Hey friends! So, you may have noticed that yesterday there was no Ginger. Well, I have a good reason for that. Right now, the whole Skip-Raid team (myself, the cat, family sized bottle of children's cough syrup) have been working overtime to bring you a BRAND NEW WEBSITE!
Now, before you go shitting your pants (too late, right?) it should be up quite soon. But what will this new site be about? Will it be like the ill-fated Skipviews? No, on the contrary, it will be effing amazing. Speaking of interviews, I should have a new one for you all sometime Friday. So, stock up on Depends now. But anyways, you can check out the preliminary aspects of the new site here. It will be updated once a week and will be chock-full of gopher guts and mutilated monkey meat. I will be moving quite a few articles from The Skip-Raid over to it, but needless to say you vampires will get your fix.
You may also be wondering why someone like myself would be posting a picture of an adorable dog in the leaves? That can be summed up in 4 letters...
A N T M
Tonight. 8pm. I am so pumped up!! A new season! Can you dig it? I can dig it. I can try to dig Tyra a grave, but my arms would get tired after the section for her ass. So watch it! Then get your asses back here tomorrow morning to make sure we are all on the same page.
PS - Tyler might be back. I need to batsignal that tard and make sure he is on deck (aka able to cover for me when I pick the wrong week to stop sniffin glue).
Picture borrowed from Cute Overload.

America (Fuck Yeah)

Hello friends. I am so sorry you got zero posts on Friday and yesterday. I was sick as a bitch on Friday and yesterday was Family Day (aka Bogus Made-Up Holiday). I shouldn’t complain – I love a day off as much as the next person. I spent my Family Day singing Family Day carols by the fire and reading stories from the Family Day Book of Yore. And by that I mean, I spent Family Day at IKEA. With every other fucking family from here to Tuktiyuktuk, Alaska. Lame.
Anyways, I wanted to do this post for a while. I had mentioned a while ago that I took a trip to Detroit, MI (Dearborne, to be exact) and went shop-a-loppin’ at Target (America’s Nuts). I bought close to $80 worth of American food (which you might remember my horrific run-in with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese). But yeah, one thing I bought (that sadly, you cannot get in Canada) are Flipz.I love chocolate-covered pretzels. I like to make them in my spare time. That may be why I am a fat-ass (not really, but let’s pretend). Anyways, they had these in Canada for a quick minute before pulling them and sending them back to America. I guess chocolate and pretzels were no match for the awesome taste sensations of whale blubber, seal eyes, and poutine.
As you can see, I got the monster box. There was no smaller box! What could I do, my hands were tied. And yes, I ate the whole box in one sitting watching South Park. But the best part about these little trans-fat laden nuggets from Heaven is the assurance on the back that Nestle isn't judging your fat ass.”They’re round, like me”? What the hell? They aren’t even trying to sugar-coat who is eating the Monster Box of Flipz, are they? They might as well have just put ”I’m a fucking fat piece of shit…what’s 38 grams of chocolate more?” After I read the back of the box (I like to call them Nestle’s Daily Affirmations) I just imagined the losers who bought several Monster Boxes of Flipz from Target that day - the 51 year old Grandmother who is raising her Grandbabies cause “Carol can’t get her life together long enough to make sure these damn youngins have a sandwich or two”, the lardasses with copious amounts of brain damage who are also picking up a dozen multi-pacs of Capri Sun, and me. Hooray! Anyways, I won’t lie like this shit isn’t delicious, I’m just saying it is no damn wonder why Americans are so fucking fat – it’s not that the food is 99% garbage. It’s because this box was like $1! You know how much a box of candy like this would be in Canada? $3.99. We have the same shit up here, it’s just way more expensive. It’s like that Chris Rock bit where he says if you wanna stop murders, make bullets cost 5 grand. Same as in the US. Charge Canadian prices for cheese and ice cream (two things that are waaay too expensive here) and watch those fatties drop that weight. You know how much an assorted sub at SubWay costs up here? $5. And that’s for a fucking 6-inch, too. You know how much a turkey is? $6. That’s right – the healthy choice is only a dollar more. Fine, but why is the assorted sub $5? That shit is made from snakes, raccoons, shoes, and a big fat question mark. That sangweesh should be like $1.99, for a 12-inch too. I need a deal; those bastards took away the Sub Stamps. That was the only thing making me wanna live. Bring back Sub Stamps, you cheap bastards!

Skip-Raid Challenge!

Hey guys! I would have given you a good post today, but I am sick as (in the words of Dlisted's Michael K) a parrot's dick and so i am just fudging through today. I'm sorry, but that is how it is gonna be! I am wearing sweatpants right now (which I never do) and don't even have enough energy to eat delicious snacks. Anyways, people who know me know I am obsessed with dermatology (aka gross shit of the skin). Maybe it is because I have a skin disease that will be with me all my life, maybe it is becase I hope to someday find a cure. Or maybe I just love gross shit of the skin. Irregardless, I challenge you to tell me what is grosser than this video.
WARNING! This video is effing disgusting and I take no responsibility if you barf all over your computer.Have a great weekend, you sick fucks! And for all the readers from Ontario, Happy Family Day on Monday! (Yes, in Ontario they made up a holiday called Family Day. It's like Love Day, but you know...less lame. Or more lame? Meh, it's a paid day off).

Happy Love Day, everyone!

I honestly would love to do a Valentine’s Day post today, but I am so damn sick right now. I got a cold from someone at work (I knew I shouldn’t have shared my toothbrush) and now I am praying for the cold, clammy hands of death to take me to dead-people-heaven…you know, a Retirement Home. Anyways, enjoy this card. I made it for you (what? I know it doesn’t make any sense…just go with it).

Be Kind, Rewind, I'm Pumped!

Okay, so remember last week when I had all those clips of movies that I was pretty hyped-up about seeing? Well, I was saving one special film for its own seperate post. You have one week and 3 days to build up your bladder muscles, cause there is a good chance you are gonna pee yourself next Friday when Be Kind, Rewind comes out. If you haven't seen the trailer yet (which you can, at the Alliace Films site) or haven't checked it out on IMDB or Wikipedia, then I'll give you the gist. Jack Black and Mos Def own a video store and Jack Black accidentally erases all the movies from the tapes (he is magnetic - don't question it) so he and Mos Def decide to make their own movies. Like the re-do Ghostbusters and Robocop and shit. But it is all really poorly done and the acting is terrible. But if you need any more reason to go and see it, two words; Michel Gondry. That's right, the man who brought us Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and...uh...Block Party (the movie or the band? Uh...both). Also, there's this...Jack Black and Mos Def remaking Driving Miss Daisy, which may be the cutest thing since the time I shit out a family of kittens into a pile of cupcakes. I love that Mos Def is covered in freckly zitty spots, too. Morgan Freeman always grosses me out with that; it's like, get some Proactive, homesquirrel. What is that on his face? I'm sure it's not acne. Are they millions of skintags? Skintags are SO GROSS!! Anyways, Be Kind, Rewind is going to be Totally Terrific! I urge you to check it out - or you could just watch School of Rock a couple of times and throw in the episodes of The Boondocks where Mos Def plays Gangstalicious, but I doubt it will fill the void.
Anyways, for more information, check out the Be Kind, Rewind site.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKIP-RAID!!

Oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh!! I can't believe it! Urrbody said it wouldn't last. They said I couldn't outlive Heath Ledger - fuck all y'all, Obscure Websites vs. Hollywood Actor Vegas Bookies! I'm still standing!
Was that in poor taste? Aw, I loves ya, Heath. Anyways, The Skip-Raid has been offending and crap-joking its way through a whole 365 days, and I am actually very proud. I honestly didn't think I could go past a month or two. You know why I did? Yous skids. Thats right - you guys keep reading and commenting and loving The SR, so I am very thankful. Anyways, you didn't think I was gonna piss out of a Ginger Tuesday, did you?Name: Tilda Swinton
Age: 47
Why are they famous? Tilda is a super-talented actress who happens to be the HGIC in Hollywood Arthaus Films (Head Ginge in Charge).
Unless you watch a shitload of IFC movies, you probably know Swinton best as the White Witch in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Yeah, the Turkish Delight ho. Anyways, Tilda gets nominated for a shitload of awards - which really doesn't say much. The Academy loves giving awards to people with disabilities. Like Marlee Matlin (deaf) for Children of a Lesser God...or...moving on. They give Tilda Swinton nominations because she was born with a severe disability; Gingervitis. And no ammount of medication or radiation treatments or praying will cure Gingervitis. Especially Tilda, who has a textbook case of Gingervitis Extremis. Ew, are you taking a good look at the lumps where her eyebrows should be. Or those weird ass eyelids. If you don't focus on her hair, she looks like she has alopecia. Ew ew ew. I bet that she is super-patchy with freckles, too. Know what is so weird? i did a little Wikipedia research, and apparently, she is marrid (to a dude...who isn't blind) and she has a mister (like a mistress, but with a weenis) and her husband doesn't mind. What the hell? Something tells me that her husband didn't hesitate too long when she asked for a boyfriend.
Tilda: "husband, I need another man"
Husband: "Go for it...connect 4"
Tilda: "but how will you go on with less of this?" points to freckly, hideously Ginger body
Husband: "do what you gotta do, bitch. I mean...I will cry myself to sleep every night"
So there you have it. I would say that Tilda Swinton is a perfect example of a nightmare Ginger. And with that being said, I am going to throw up.

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Typically Terrific

Hey guys - short post today - tomorrow will be better. I just took a bus from my parents house up in the boonies at 4am and am tired as shit. Anyways, this is Aretha Franklin doing her best Ursula the Sea Witch at the Grammys last night. This woman is a fat pig and I love it. Bitch can sing, so she can gain as much poundage as she damn well wants. I didn’t watch the Grammys, but I basically know who won. Winehouse, Winehouse, Winehouse. No Feist, but what can you do? Homegirl will sweep the Junos.
Peace out! See you tomorry!

Stop...boner time.

Ooooh, Anton Chigur, you can air-gun my face anytime. What does that mean? Anyways, people thought I had lobsters coming out of my ears when I mentioned that I thought Javier Bardem was hot in No Country for Old Men. Embrace it! He is hot shit in that movie. Maybe its the 70's denim suit, maybe its the hair. Maybe it was the raw power coming from being able to kill a crapload of innocent Texans. Who knows, but he was something sexy in that movie.
But the reason he is this Friday's Boner Time candidate is because he is such a cutie. Okay, when you think of Spanish guys, you probably think of overty-sexual pseudo-pervs who speak in double-entendres. Like Antonio Banderas. Or Chris Kattan doing Antonio Banderas. But Javier Bardem (whos name is really fun to say) is so shy and polite and probably doesn't describe himself as mucho caliente. I imagine he wakes Peneolpe Cruz up every morning with a knock at the door saying "hey-loh my switt flowayres, 'ere ees somme of de breakfasts in bed. Ah mad yoo toasts and de jam and de eggs".
And then she goes "Oyo meeo! Javeer! De eggs are like de smiling face!"
"I knows...I made de bacon be de smile"
"Oh, I have nevar sine so cute food. You make me smile like de breakfast face!"
"Dat is de point...I leeve to make yoo smile. Come! Let us go and get some peppers at de market to make de Paella, den we come back to le hacienda to watch de football match on de televisione".
I need a life.

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Nooo! Not Count Kikula!

I googled "Kirsten Dunst gross" and this picture came up. In the words of the immortal Miss Cleo the cards don't lie! And in this case, the Reverse Vampire don't Like Sunlight. Anyways, moving on to the real story here. Kirsten Dunst has been a little AWOL from LA lately, no? Well, there's a reason for that. She is on a 3 week vacation to her homeland, Transylvania. Kidding! She's in Rehab! I know, right? Homegirl runs on blood and vodka and camels - what will they do when they take away her vodka and blood? I can only assume they don't give all-you-can-drink blood to recovering vampires in the 'hab. But yeah, Star Magazine is reporting that she is Lindsay Lohan's old haunt, Cirque Lodge to recover from a 'substance abuse' problem. Come on, when will they just say it straight - bitch has had more snow up her nose than a snowblower during a Nebraska winter. I am guessing it's coke and booze, although it could be pills. Its defs not meth, because her wonky chompers would have fallen out years ago if that was the case. Meth is such a two-faced ho; it makes you a skinny bones jones, but turns your teefs into fugly little kernels. Poor Keek. I actually feel for this girl, cause as I have said before, I feel like her and I could be friends. Out of all the dumb hollywood skanks, she is my favourite. I would make a sorority house and she would be in it. And the house would be made of ciggies and Rayban Wayfarers. But yeah, I can't get over this. Is there something in the water in LA? Either you pregnant or in rehab. You know what I can't wait for? Pics of Keek all fat! Oooh, this is gonna be sweet! Homegirl is gonna plump up like a Hebrew National.

Fragile...it must be Italian.

My parents were driving around yesterday (they are retired; it's what they do) and they saw this house with a Christmas Story leg lamp. I honestly didn't know they actually made these lamps. I knew they made Christmas ornaments of the 'major award', but really? A whole lamp? And up well past Christmas? I love these people! The best part is, my parents took this picture in bumfuck nowhere (aka Coburg, Ontario) where there is no such thing as Irony. These people have this lamp up in their home because they love A Christmas Story, goddamn it! Anyways, the owners then drove up into their driveway as my Pops was taking the picture, and he got freaked out and jumped in the car. My parents sped away like the Duke Boys. Again, retirees. You can't control them.

Santa Maria! That's one hell of a penis-nose!

Yeah - today I'm not writing about Law & Order: SVU. It was a rerun last night, and once you've seen it once, you don't care to watch it again. It's like watching The Sixth Sense ffor the second time - you already know that Bruce Willis is a ghost-ass ghost. Anyways, instead I watched How to lose a guy in 10 days on cable. Go ahead - make fun. But that movie is hilarious. I always think Kate Hudson is a tard until I see her in a movie, and then I remember that she is actually very funny. Anyways, I thought I would post a picture of Paris Hilton at the premier of her movie The Slutty and The Wonky. Tons of bloggers keep talking about how she is waay over-dressed for the premier of a film whos calibre is essentially that of the American Pie movies. But who cares? This is as good as Paris can do, so let her celebrate a little. Plus, she always has a great dress and gorgeous...well, nice jewelry. It does look a little Claire's Accessories. Don't act like you haven't bought anything from there before. Sure, it's made from plastic and turns black the minute it touches your skin, but it sure looks good when you are breaking a $20 for it. Moving on, is Paris Hilton turning into a cartoon of herself? Jesus Christ, can you tell the difference between the picture above and the picture below?Look, I don't think plastic surgery is cool; bewb jobs and lip puffing is pretty lame. But for the love of Jebus, can we not pool together a couple of bucks and break this ho's beak? Cripes, that's a case for "deviated septum" if I have ever heard of one. Like, it honestly looks like she has a melted penis on her face!
Ugh, I feel like I'm gonna be sick just looking at it. How does she breathe out of that thing?

Ginger Tuesday/Degrassi DOUBLE FEATURE

Okay, so Degrassi first. Spinner gets Nut Cancer, and Darcey goes ape shit on Snake (aka Mr. Simpson) and yells out "I was raped!!" So, nothing really that great. Next episode they hint at Spinner having to get a nut cut off (he gets neutered!!) and then he shaves his head and goes berzerk on the badasses at Degrassi. Let's hope this whole "boo hoo, I'm Darcey and I got raped" thing ends soon. It's getting a little old.
Now, on for our Ginger. This one was a no-brainer. I thought I was out of options - almost like having a Ginge-life crisis. So I got a little help from Dlisted. It's no secret that Michael K is obsessed with this week's Ginger. Have you guessed who it is yet?Name: Phoebe Price
Age: ageless
Why are they famous? she shows up to shit in Hollywood and thinks she is a mayjah star.
Also, don't you totally love those cheek implants? She claims to never have had plastic surgery, but her Stretch Armstrong face is singing a different tune. I thought I would venture over to IMDB to see what her entry says about her. This is what we get: she is an 'international model' and has had 3 or 4 bit parts on television shows. She also shows up to The Ivy almost every day and shows papparazzi pictures of herself in US Weekly. What she fails to realize is that she is in US Weekly because she is a fashion victim. Ugh, honestly. Where does she get her money from? Drugs? I'm gonna say drugs. Ugh, I wish she had spent her cheek-implant money on de-freckling. Did you know Lindsay Lohan got that shit done? That should be one of those mandatory things, like the Leprosy vaccination to Indian people. De-Gingering of Gingers. Wait, wouldn't that be euthanization? Damn, I'm surprised I haven't gotten more letters or hatemail. But in all seriousness, Phoebe Price is such a Ginger - only a Ginger would dye their hair that heinous of a red. Does she think she is Ariel or something? Hells to the no, Bobby B! Ariel was a pretty mermaid - Phoebe Price is a shiteous barnacle. Here is another picture of her, but it's pretty NSFPWANB (not safe for persons who are not blind)Ugh, what is it with Gingers always dressing up like fucking clowns? Gingers won't ever shut their yapper about wearing whatever they want "cause the're so out there!" They also never shut up about how they are wild in the sack. Are you as sick of that stereotype as I am? Redheads being unsatible sex panthers? Something tells me they get all their "awesome sex ideas" from Cosmo's Bedside Astrologer. You know those lists; the ones that are like "temp your man with ice in the bedroom" and "touch his taint". God, every issue has the same sex tips, eh? Like "open the door wearing nothing but a smile!". Who writes these, a 15 year old with a copy of 9 1/2 weeks? Anyways, I bet Phoebe lives her life through the Cosmo-Sutra and shit. I remeber reading that garbage when I was in highschool thinking "Cosmo is soooo classy!" One time a teacher of mine said this about Cosmo (I need to stress it was my bitchy queen of a fabric and patterns professor): Vogue is for clever, smart, beautiful women. Cosmo is for women who will never be clever, smart, or beautiful.
How true! It's always white trash and fatsos from the country that buy Cosmo. And Phoebe Price, of course. She wants to know how to please her man, damnit!

Happy Monday!

Son, unless you live in Kuwait or are Helen Keller, you would know that yesterday was the Superbowl (aka Like I Give a Shit). I can't be bothered to watch any part of it; what's the point?
Football...is lame.
Tom Brady...is hot, but not enough for me to want to watch.
The Half-Time Show...is so lame. If I wanted no-talent 40-year-olds and Sting, I would watch the Grammys.
The Pre-Game...is 4 hours long and involves little-to-no cartoons or jokes. No thanks!
So instead of watching the Shitterbowl, I decided to take a trip over to my good friend Apple Trailer's house to check out what will be coming to a theatre near you. I mostly got excited because I have recently seen the trailer for Baby Mama and I would take a hobo's load to the face to see it a week earlier than everyone else (sorry, that was more vulgar than it needed to be). Anyways, I am like the Queen of Losers right now, cause as I am sitting on my couch writing this, I am wearing a Purdue University sweatshirt (I did not go to Purdue, by the way) and letting the cat play with a $10 laser pointer I bought this weekend. Specifically for the cat, I should add. I also bought him a little mouse filled with catnip (aka Cat Crack) and almost, almost bought a little sweater for him. Shit, I need help!! I can't keep buying this little furry mongrel presents! Can you accidently become a born-again virgin from slowly turning into a cat lady? I think you can. Anyways, here are a few movies that I can't wait to get out and see. Spoiler Alert: there hasn't been a Meet the Superbads or a Shrek-ic Movie made yet, but don't let your guard down - I can assume it will be soon (sadly).

Baby Mama
April 25-08
Okay, I am pretty pumped about this movie. Amy Poehler can get a little lame some/most of the time, but Tina Fey can write a good movie. Mean Girls was the shit. What, you doubt me? Go fuck yourself, that movie is teriffic. Anyways, Baby Mama seems like it might bet a little too "touching" but with Dax Shepherd playing the husband, I think we have a recipe for a funny movie. Also, John Hodgman as a doctor. Great.


Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Summer 2008
Oh crap, okay, there are some things in this movie that are no-fails. First, Mila Kunis is in it. She is very very funny. Second, Bill Hader is in it. Very funny and also very cute. Also also, I don't like Kristin Bell, but people seemed to like Veronica Mars, so I will assume she is a good addition to this movie. The movie seems a little transparent (obvs he hooks up and falls in love with Kunis) but I think that the jokes will be a-plenty.


You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Summer 2008
Remember when Adam Sandler was funny? You know, before Spanglish and Click and I Hate Gays (aka I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry)? Well, I hate to say it - but I think funny Sandler might be back. Please watch this trailer - it looks hilarious. Plus, minimal Rob Scheider, which is always good Small doses, people. Anyways, if you can't joke about terrorists in New York City, then what can you joke about?


Speed Racer
May 9-08
I should stress that I DID want to see this movie, until I watched the trailer and discovered how gay-gay-gay (gay as in "bad") this looks. Holy shit, you can't "serious"-up Speed Racer. They should have made it super-campy and had people talking way too fast for their own good. Take a look at the original theme and tell me they couldn't have made an awesome parody instead of a crime-racing-drama-2 fast 2 furious bullshit-fest.



Harold and Kumar 2
???
Fucking Awesome.


Run Fatboy, Run
March 28-08
It's no secret that I have intense crush on Simon Pegg. Hot Fuzz is the shit. He is basically my husband (you know, if Craig from Degrassi turns me down - Schoolerton High sucks, btw) so i was happy as a pig in shit when I saw I am 2 months away from a new Simon Pegg awesome-fest. Also, Hank Azaria is in it too, playing the asshole who he has to beat in a 26 mile race. They could call this movie Simon Pegg does squats in spandex shorts for 90 minutes and I would still pay money to see it. And not Disney Dollars, either. Real money. That I stole.
"I'm stealing, Daddy, I'm stealing!!"
"That's my little dude!"

Ghost Ride da Whip!

Hey guys. Sorry I didn't rap with you earlier, but it was the apocalypse of all snowstorms this morning and I didn't make it into work. It was just me and the cat, and a stressful time trying to get work done. Especially when the cat kept biting me. I know he's just "playing" but it seems very asshole-y to me. Anyways, I stumbled upon this video this afternoon, and I'm sure you've seen it hundreds of times by now, but I haven't. So go suck an egg.
Videos like this make me so ashamed to be white.
See you on Monday, pimples!!