Ginger Tuesday!!

Click here to read about this week's Ginger! It's a good one. Trust.

My Hobbies

You didn't think I was just going to give you a link to the Ginger site, did you? Of course you get a little post today. Now, women and homos are born with certain innate desires. One of which is baking (the other? Wrapping Christmas presents). It's like we have magnets in our torsos that pull us to an oven and an apron. You know what? I should clarify; we don't love baking, we love decorating and icing shit. At work we had a Secret Santa over the holiday season (yeah...the one from 4 months ago?) and the person who pulled my name obviously had Satan on their side, cause here it is April 1st, and they are FINALLY getting their Christmas present. Anyways, our presents had to be less than $10, which is pretty bogus - buying something is next to impossible, and making a present is always tricky. You never really know if the recipient will enjoy their homemade present. One thing I know people always like are my sugar cookies. They are just sweet enough to distinguish themselves from gag-out shortbread and not so sweet that you feel the Type 2 creeping up in your throat. I decided to make two kinds for my recipient (her name is Angela). I like dipping cookies in chocolate because it is easy but looks really classy. This is some Donald Trump shit right here. Its nice too, cause some people like chocolate; but I refuse to pander to people who like choco-choco-chip cookies. Ew - Soccer Mom cookies.I really love icing cookies. I am not really one for cutting out shapes; they always end up looking a little strange to me. The first ones are cute, but then your hand gets really tired from holding that piping bag and all the characters and shapes start to look like they're melting. Circles and squiggles are the easiest and they always look cute.
Anyways, I also do cupcakes and cakes. So, if you got a Bar Mitzvah coming up or you are just a food-hungry maniac, gimme a call.

Know Your Rednecks

Here at The Skip-Raid, we can be a little hard on our Brush Brothers to the North (or South, depending on where you live). Many people ask "But Mayor...how can you hate something so vague as Rednecks? Do you trully hate people who live on farms and drive pick-ups?" and the answer to that is yes. I unbiasedly hate rednecks. I grew up in a farm town in North Ontario (not too north...I don't want you to think I was raised in a trailer) but it was still White-Trash Ville nonetheless. Anyways, if anything, it has made me a connoisseur of Rednecks. I consider myself an expert on the topic of all things Hillbilly, Hick, and Mountain Person; and with this primer, you can too! Welcome to The Skip-Raid's Know Your Rednecks.Hick
The best way to describe a Hick is Hank Hill. Loves trucks, enjoys the comedy stylings of Jeff Foxworthy, and wears denim shorts with bright white sneakers. I found this picture on Trip Advisor.com, and these two pretty much sum up hicks. They go to the Caribbean and come home with 6 rolls of film and 97 pictures of them posing with black people.
Redneck
One major thing differentiates a Redneck from every other type of turd in this list: the Confederate Flag. They love that shit. The confederate flag is like an Ignorance Magnet; it doesn't matter where you are from (Georgia, Alaska, Northern Ontario) morons will cling to that flag like air. I grew up with people who hadn't left the province, let alone the country, and they would pack their vehicles full of Rebel Flag decals andn bullshit. And if you asked them what the flag means, they would go "Pride! The South...the flag means the South. And Pride!" What? Are you serious? It takes 5 minutes to look up on Wikipedia what the Rebel Flag means (racist bullshit). But that's a Redneck for you; too damn lazy to read a book.White Trash
Just what you would expect - a trashier Redneck. Where the Redneck has a little money (which he usually spends on truck parts, flag shirts, and tickets to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour) White Trash has little to no money. Many are on wellfare and most spend their money on the following things:
- beer (Labatt Black Ice or Busch)
- cigarettes (to smoke while pregnant, after pregnant, and to give to their children on their 10th birthday)
- cat food (Rednecks always havea shitload of cats)
Hillbilly
If you are ever confused as to which kind of person you are dealing with, take a look at the teeth. Do they have teeth? No? Then they are a Hillbilly. Just like the Rebel Flag is the dead giveaway for a Redneck, the lack-of-teeth is what sets Hillbillies apart from their Southern bretheren.Country Bumpkin
Generally not as offensive as Rednecks or Hicks, the Country Bumpkin is just a stupid Southern moron. They don't shotgun beers or put cigarettes out on their tongue, but they still refer to blacks as 'coloured people'. Reference point: Jessica Simpson.
Sledneck
You won't find many Slednecks down South; this type of Redneck is purely Canadian. Once the snow falls, they bundle up in their Arctic Cat/Choko/Snap-On Racing parka and fill their skidoo up with gas. Then they disappear into the forests until the snow melts. Actually, that's not true. They are more like seniors. You will go days without seeing one, then you are driving to the store one day and they whip across the intersection in front of you like fucking Mad Max. I really hate to admit this, but you know how I know it's spring? The first robin, you say? No...its the first Sledneck fatality. I know, I am being cruel, but for serious; the icicles are melting and ever weatherman is reporting to get off the ice, cause the lake will be opening soon. But noooo, Slednecks know better than meterologists. They scoot over the melting lake and poof! They are gone.
Also, Slednecks love skidooing cause they like smelling the gas. Trust.
Raised in the Garbage
This goes without saying. If you catch what you think is a Redneck or White Trash, take a look and try to find a few tattoos. If you see anything like this one, or like a cats butt around their bellybutton (you know...so it's the cat's ass?) then you are dealing with much more than a Redneck or White Trash. You are dealing with someone who's parents systematically de-raised them. Most likely by encouraging them to drink as early as possible and played nothing but porn on the TV.
Really - stay away from people like this. Can you imagine someone marrying him? Ugh, I would love to find/post that picture. Wait!! I think I found it!!

I will pay someone to hit Craig Mazin and Jason Friedberg with their car.

Seriously. Please apply to skipraid@gmail.com. No experience necessary. This is a non-paying gig, but isn't knowing that you are preventing more shitty movies from being made payment enough? I would do it myself, but I think that if I came within 5 feet of those two Tard Snaps, I might turn a gun on myself. I wouldn't want to; my brain would be performing a mercy killing on itself. I honestly don't think I could handle hearing them make lame, tired jokes about movie parodies.
What was I getting at again? Ah yes. This weekend we will see dozens upon dozens of 13 year olds racing to the local AMC to see Superhero Movie. What the hell? It apparently takes a mere 4 months to write, produce, cast, and shit out a parody film (meh...doesn't surprise me). Jesus, my eyes haven't even had enough recovery time from the raping they got with Meet The Spartans, and already we have Superhero Movie? I think this movie was shelved for 6 years or something, because are you taking a look at the lampooned characters? X-Men? Spider Man? Leslie Nielsen? Shit, don't call me Shirley. All these movies first came out in like, 2001. What, Batman & Robin didn't play out well enough in parody?
But really, will I see this? Uh, maybe. It does have Tracy Morgan (awesome) and...uh...who the fuck else is worth $12? No one. Maybe I will just rent 30 Rock or SNL Best of Tracy Morgan. Hey, that isn't a bad idea.
Leave your predictions for future Movies in the comments. Oscar Movie will happne...trust. That, or TV Movie. Ugh, I joke, but in 3 months we will have those, plus Dog Movie, Computer-Animated Movie, and Ghetto Movie. Speaking off which, I found a website this week called Stuff Ghetto People Like. I can't believe I am saying this, but I may have found a website that even offends me. Its obviously a parody of Stuff White People Like, but you know...with more malt liquor. Yep. I would take a look at this, but try to avoid reading it if you work with a black person who lives in Community Housing. They might be offended (if they aren't, then they are clearly illiterate and you should teach them to read. Maybe introduce them to Reading Rainbow. Everyone can relate to LeVar Burton).

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 6

First off, my one and only Intern, Intern Tylerface, has his own website!! That's right - you can read his hilariousness at Tylerface's Space. I strongly suggest you check it out; not that it is much different from here, but it is cute nonetheless.
ON TO THE SKANKS!!
The Parade of Lame continues this week with Claire hating Dominique, Whitney hating Dominique, Lauren hating Dominique, Anya hating sunlight. My god, could this episode get any more dull? They were fighting over a fucking alarm clock! Remember when the littlest thing would set these hos off? Now it's like they internalize everything and the one time they blow up, it's for something super-trivial. Jesus, my sister's alarm clock used to go off all the time while she slept through it. You know what I did? Bitch about out? Hells no, I yanked that shit out of the wall. Bingo bango. Usually my sister would lose her shit once I pulled the clock (with due reason - it used to take her so long to program the time and alarm) so she would try to get me back by turning my alarm off while I slept or by using my toothbrush to scratch her ass. V for Vendetta was based off our relationship. Anyways, let's talk about these hoodrats, shall we?
This week Tyra met the girls at a dance studio to show them how to pose like they were in pain. If this was the future and we had two-way televisions, I would have won that challenge. I am in extreme pain everytime Tyra's mug is on the screen. I'm sure Tyra put the girls in red; Tyra needed them to take the attention off her fat ass in that tight bodysuit. Surriously, when she was lying on her back grabbing her ankles - I would bet a good $1000 that she split the crotch out of those leggings. The stitching must have been hanging in there for dear life. But enough about Tyra's thunder thighs (really - I can't talk about it anymore. I get the same feeling when I eat too much cottage cheese. Very nauseous).
Shall we talk about the pictures now? Yes? I agree. This week, they had to dress up like music genres. LAME!! They should have just done more nude shoots with Nigel Barker. Oh wells, let's start with who won; Fatty Fatty Fat Fat aka The Cheesecake Factory aka Whitney!!Grunge
I am SO HAPPY homegirl won, cause she is a disaster and she deserved to come first this week. I would love to see her in the final 3, but she has a bit of a glandular problem and that seems to be a sideliner in the modeling industry. Maybe she will be lucky enough to work after the show? I am thinking Addition Elle or Torrid.

And who packed their Samsonites this week? That's right, I totally called it...Aimee, R&B
What a boring piece of toast. I hated when Anya went for the photoshoot and she was all like "I'm a mormon, so that would be improper of me because my body is a temple". Yeah, my body is a temple too; the kind that has seen a couple hundred lonely Monks sleep in it (what does that even mean?). What the hell kind of modeling did she think she was going to do? I can just imagine her practicing her JC Penney poses at home; wearing Blossom hats and overalls with one strap undone. Tommy Girl!

Anya, Punk
Wow, I can't believe it, but she actually pulled off the punk thing. Although is this really what they thing Punk is? Wow, the ANTM producers are old.
PS - Anya, get some toner for your hair; you are starting to ape Betty White.

Claire, Country
What the hell?!?! It's like they took anything that has ever been associated with Country and barfed it up on Claire. What the hell?!?! Oh my god, I was embarrassed for her - she looked like Jessica Simpson in Blonde Ambition.

Dominique, Folk
Ugly ugly ugly. When will she get kicked off?!?

Fatima, Metal
This shot is so goofy and stupid AND I LOVE IT!! When you are essentially doing a parody of Bret Michaels, then do it up campy. Although her pants are dangerously close to Camel Toe Territory. Fatima - always remember to do a 'creep sweep'.

Katterginna, Emo
She's gonna get a hair cut next week!! I can't wait to see it. Hopefully, she will look a little less 1-900-RUSSIAN-SLUTS.

Lauren, Pop
What is this? She looks like an extra in a Devo music video. They probably toyed with the idea of Lauren doing the Punk shot, but thought she wouldn't be believable enough. "I'm so punk rock!" - yeah, sure you are, Lauren. Keep listening to your Clash Greatest Hits CD.

Stacy Ann, House
You’re watching MTV 4: the alternative to the alternative. Next up, Deep House Dish.
Woooo! Woo! Welcome to Deep House Dish, the only show devoted to house music, and dishing out the latest house, and techno music stars. I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag.

Next week...Lauren loses her shit (argh! So punk rawk!!) and Whiteny gets told she is a lardass. Basically, this week's episode Part 2. See you then!!

I CAN HAS DOOSHBAGZ?

Click to make big. Trust, you will want to see the fine details.

Ah mah gahd! People, I don't want to trivialize any of your emails or letters or whathaveyou.
But.
Take a look at the picture above, and hang your heads in shame. This is THE BEST letter I have ever received (that's actually saying a lot, because one time I got a letter from Princess Diana when I was a little girl and that was the shit back in the day. I also got a autographed picture of Mr. T, but they are both headed for the fireplace aka the open fire in a garbage can behind my apartment building). There is a new Baby in the house; hit the bricks once-was adorable 3-year-old.
Anyways, let me give you a little backstory. This is from Josie, a reader who lives in Ottawa, Ontario. She saw the post a while back calling for drawings of inanimate objects come to life or American Apparel dooshbags. Some of you would do one; she did both. In the same drawing. And cut and pasted the whole thing to an 8.5 x 11 piece of construction paper. Ho-lee shit, this is great, eh? PS - in case you can't really see it, the American Apparel model is made out of a tampon. Something tells me Josie spends a little too much time smelling car exhaust (GUILTY! That shit smells great). Let's take a look at the 6 Signs of American Apparel Douchebaggery:
1. Classic American Apparel headband
True dat. Any fucker wearing one of those Tard Snaps should be burned. Ugh, in the words of Regina George: "Stop trying to make Headbands happen! It's not going to happen!"
2. Dirt Stache
Growing minimal, patchy facial hair makes you look like Justin Timberlake, not Vincent Gallo. You basically look like NSYNC. And for the guys who are essentially growing teen staches? Take it easy! You are all starting to look like a little JD Samson army.
3. V-Neck girl-coloured shirt
I can't hate on this one - they are called the 25/25/50 tees and they are awesome. I also like how guys buy the girl colours (pink, mauve, pale yellow) and the girls buy the boy colours (navy, hunter green, maroon).
4. Fanny Pack
It says "...why??", but when I first read it, I thought it said "...gay!" I clearly need glasses. But can we pretend for a moment Josie did call the Fanny Pack gay? I know some classless-ass Homos that wouldn't touch a fanny pack if it was filled with Madonna and George Michael's hair. So when I say gay, I mean lame beyond lame. You can't take Fanny Packs as your own, Hipsters; they are owned by Red State Vacationing Moms. The Peggy Hills of the world, if you will. Anyways, why do they embrace the Fanny Pack? Pfft...I dunno. Cause they are stupid, I guess.
5. Metallic Spandex
You know how I feel about metallic spandex. It is a fat girl magnet. And let's face it - cottage cheese asses don't need that kind of negative attention.
6. Striped Tube Socks
I love that the striped tube sock plays a pretty prominent part in the AA advertising schematic, but have you honestly ever tried to stuff those little shits into shoes? Hells naw, is right! They are so thick, you look like Cinderella's ugly-ass stepsister trying to squeeze her foot into the glass slipper. Cute looking? Yes. Practical use as socks? No.

Anyways, enjoy this little piece of art. Tres Bon!

Ginger Tuesday!

Click here to read about this week's Ginger!

Happy Easter Urrbods

Hey guys! Did you all have a great Easter? I did. The Easter Bunny came to my house and left me plenty of delicious treats. Normally, the Easter Bunny doesn't bring treats to kids over 13; but I am a very special kid. And when I say special, I mean in the most 'Olympics' way possible. Anyways, enough about me and my Creme Eggs. Can we talk about Creme Eggs for a moment? How delicious are those? I think if you ate 3 at once, your chances of getting Type 2 increase 300%. Anyways, I found a couple of Peeps dioramas, and if there are 2 things I like, it's Peeps and Dioramas. I love making Dioramas. I really wish they asked me to make more at work. But then again, I am not 5 and in Kindergarten. Naw, dioramas are more of a Grade 3 thing. But I am off topic. Here are a few dioramas for your enjoyment. And if anyone wants any Peeps, get over to my house, cause I got plenty. My sister even gave me hers, but that's cause she barfed Saturday night after Easter Dinner. Apparently, she couldn't handle 2 bags of chips, a whole jar of pickles, lamb, potatoes, Peeps, several Creme Eggs, more than 4 Easter cookies, and lemon cake. LIGHTWEIGHT!

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 5

Allow me to take this time, not to discuss the rest of the models or this week's photoshoot (which was L-A-M-E. Honestly, what the hell? I got the paint, but modeling accessories? When you cover them in a shitload of plastic-ass Chanel joo-rey and cover thems ups in paint and cellophane, they all started to look the same) but to discuss the death of Marvita from ANTM. People, I have not been this moved since Jael got the axe so many seasons ago. Marvita was more than a girl from the ghetto. She was a Ghetto Girl with a dream; a dream to model Lot 29 and Roca Wear. To someday move up to the ranks of Baby Phat or Apple Bottoms, or maybe to shine in a print ad for House of Dereon. But those dreams were dashed, thrown out into the wind like one of Benny Ninja's Saturday night condoms. Marvita is gone. Back to the ghetto where she will resume her job at Chillis or TJ Maxx.
Today there will be no play by play (mostly cause this week's episode was BORING AS SHIT) in honour of Marvita and her struggles to become America's Next Top Model. Let us all take a moment of silence for Marvita. We will not forget your ghetto-ness, you Black stereotyping, your unpleasant hoodrat demeanor. The way you would sneer at Fatima or how you would bitch out Allison.
Marvita's Weave-Mullet will be thrown into the Hudson River today at 2:00pm.
'Coz I know I'ma meet you up at the crossroad
Y'all know y'all forever got love from them Bone Thugs, baby
Peace out, Marveets. Peace out.

Lazy Wednesday...

Hey guys. Okay, so I have been sent a few good YouTube videos lately, and people are always asking me if I know of any funny videos. So, I figured I would share some with you. It's that simple - enjoy!

1. German commercial for eyeglasses
If you don't read German (what? why not?) it says "Need Eyeglasses?" I normally think that 99% of commercials are terrible, but this one is pretty good. Plus, you get some NSFW that is SFW.

2. Skin ballet

If you have a queasy stomach, I would say avoid this one. But for the rest of you that don't barf at the average gross video, then I strongly suggest you watch. Maybe skip to the 1:23 part (that's where it gets good). But the music is very pretty. The human body is a freaking circus.

3. Barbie Girl

I hate when people my age get all "nostalgic" for the 80's (how old were you, 5?) I can't wait for people to get nostalgic for the 90's. Aqua will have fans again! Listen to it, and tell me you don't want to start wearing platform sneakers and tight black flares again.

Ginger Tuesday!

Click here to read about this week's Ginger.

Liveblogging - Degrassi!

8:00 - FUCK THIS SHIT!!

7:59 - what the hell?!? It's just an ad for Dancing with the Stars?!? Where is my preview for next week?!?

7:57 - Ooh, it's over! Let's see what will happen next week!

7:55 - Marco looks sad now. I think he sucked the D. Oh...nope, he didn't. Good for you, Marco!! Don't suck the stick for dollars! Ellie is working her Fag-Hag magic and making him feel better. Aw, that's what friends are foooooorrrrr. Marco gotta learn that dick dollaz don't buy happiness.

7:54 - Manny is now having dinner with Jay and her parents. They invited a Minister over for dinner for "pre-marital councilling" for Manny and Jay. Uh oh.

7:50 - I so called this. I wonder if he's gonna go through with this. It's apparently $100 a pop. Really? I thought that Blow J's were like $30. I have been lied to. I am also gonna track some mofos down to get some lost cash. Jokes! Anyways, he looks worried - he should get the hells outta there. James St. James never sucked a dick for cash. Ew! What is wrong with folks? I have been broke as a joke, and have never thought about the easy way out. It's called The Mall, and there are literally hundreds of stores looking for people ages 15-25 to work in them.

7:49 - A car pulls up aaaand....HE'S GONNA SUCK D FOR CASH!!!!!

7:46 - Marco is asking his bar BF about getting a job at daclub. He wants to be a busboy. Ugh, Marco - you are too delecate for that. You need to get something at the Gap. He then tries to get some money so he puts $20 on horseracing. He wins $0 (of course). He needs to get some money through suckin' D.

7:45 - Manuella is now talking with her "Philipino" parents (they are so Japanese). She says it will be a loooong engagement. Shit, knock off the lies, homegirl.

7:43 - Marco just met his dirtbag at daclub, and the cover was $50. What...the..fuck? What the hell club is $50?!? I hear Human Lady - Male Donkey sex shows in Tijuana aren't even $50. Anyways, Marco can't afford that shit, so he leaves. His Dirt McGirt tells him that "money is the easy part". Prostitution!!! This is gonan get rich!

7:41 - Manny is on a date with Jay (what? When did this happen?) and he kisses her goodnight. She is making out with him and her Dad busts them. Her Dad gets all Papa Joe Simpson on her, so she makes up a lie that they were only kissing because they were celebrating. What you might ask? They're "Engaged"! Oh yeah, this isn't going to turn sour...

7:40 - Now we're sitting with Ellie and Marco is borrowing money (again) and Ellie is telling him he should be partying less. Ugh, I saw this already - it's called Party Monster.

7:39 - We're back with Marco and he is sitting with his old BF. Awww....

7:38 - Manny is trying to tell Emma that Jay (that's his name!) isn't that skeevy. WRONG - he is trash.

7:37 - Marco's 39 year old date is asking him to sneak into a club or some shit. I'm not paying attention because I think they are playing C+C Music Factory.

7:35 - Marco is at his "Cabaret" night (aka The Dance Cave with bubbles and Mardi Gras beads). He just ran into his old bf or something who is working there. Nothing really comes of it. Marco is really digging ladies in drag. Methinks he might turn Priscilla Queen of the Desert on us.

7:34 - Manny is bitching at that skeevy white-trash guy at school. Isn't she like 21? Why is she still in High School? Anyways, the guy just told Manny's Dad that he can supe up his Beemer. GAY!

7:33 - oooh, the theme of 'Marco being po' is coming up alot. I think he is hard up for cash.

7:32 - Marco is shopping in what is clearly Kensington Market. He and his Fag-Hag (Ellie) arguing over the fact that Marco is going to a Cabaret night without her. Get with it, Ellie! Marco is strictly dickly.

7:30 - Gaymo and Ellie in a bar. Marco starts talking to this skeezy gay dude who looks like he's 6 months shy of his 40th b-day. Lame! Aaaaaannnnd...title sequence!

7:29 - So I decided to do this liveblogging thing because I loves me some Degrassi, but I know alot of you don't actually watch it. Also, I needed to prove to myself I could carry somehting for longer than 5 minutes.

Wacky Church Signs (...it's come to this?)

Okay, so while I was perusing College Humor, I stumbled upon this fantastic Church Sign. Ugh, come on - tell me you know what Church Signs are. Fine - they are when a church gets a little too punny with their outdoor sign. Anyways, this one is actually great.I am assuming this church has either a very large Black congregation or an over-zealous group of 14-year-old white males. So I was trying to search for some funny ones - actually funny, mind you, and this was about as funny as it got.What if you are fucking a guy named Jesus? What if he works at Captain Christ's Churro Roundup? Still doesn't count as church? Why does God make it so hard!?!
Anyways, in honour of Friday, I made a few of my own. Vote for your faves in the comments, or leave your own ideas. It was hard to come up with some good ones, so try not to be too hard on me.

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 4

Okay, this is gonna be super-short this week, because as you know, I am sick as hell. Fuck you, white blood cells! Do your damn job, you lazy assholes!! Ugh, this may be a little messed-up because I just drank 2 mugs of Neo-Citran. Delicious Neo-Citran. I really wish they sponsored me. Because my AA sponsor said he can't work with me anymore. Something about being a 'lost cause'. Pfft, moving on. Just make with the pictures, Edith...

This week's winner would not be my first choice. Probably my second. Still good, though...Anya
Anya is great - the judges had it right on - Anya is disgusting in real life and gorgeous in pictures. Have you ever heard the saying she is why cavemen painted on walls? Anya is why Adobe created Photoshop.

And of course, there has to be one ultimate loser. I didn't see this one coming...

(Note: when I went to get the picture for Amis, there wasn’t one posted. It’s like the CW and ANTM are so embarrassed of her, they want to eliminate her from everyone’s memories. In all fairness, though, her shot was abysmal).

Amos
Oh wait, yes I did! Why, honestly, was Amis picked? Hell, why was Kimberly picked? Anyways, how lame was that girls headband? Ugh, I am SO OVER those American Apparel headbands. Everytime I see one, I want to punch the wearer in the face. Same goes for: leggings, Iranian scarves, H&M's fake leather bomber jackets, Wayfarers. DUNZO.

But enough about played out Urban Outfitters employees. Let's check out the rest of the vermin in the Rat's Nest, shall we? Aimee
So boring. So effing boring. I think she will be next to go.Claire
There are two things that bother me about Claire:
1) Her hair looked so much better when it was black and half-shaved. She looks too much like Rosie O'Donnell's girlfriend now.
2) Homegirl is hurting for a bra. Can we not get her a bra? Please.Jeremy's Mom
I know that I make fun of Dominique for looking like a Soccer Mom, but for reals - she is an inspiration to MILFs and Cougars everywhere. Good for you, Dominique! You can be 40 and sexy!Fatima
Did you watch her walk? Oh. My. God. I don't even know what to call that. Miss J called it marching, but I call it prancing. She prances like when I call my dog to dinner. And let me tell you, my dog is a prancy-pants. America's love affair with Fatima is over.Katterginna
I was glad she won the runway challenge...untill I realized that her prize was a Lot 29 photo-shoot. Ew! That is like a public shaming! I would rather people find out I suck dick for weed than to find my face in a Lot 29 ad. You think I'm joking, but i am dead serious. Lot 29 will haunt your ass for years.Lauren
Walks like a newborn baby deer. Also, if she says 'I'm a punk girl' one more time, I will hunt her down (it won't be hard - there are only 2 Hot Topics in New York) and slap that ho. And Lauren - you obvs don't want to be there! If modeling was what you are 'living for' or whatever bullshit models spout out, then you would have learned to walk and pose by now. Kick her oooout!Marvita
Next week she gets into a pose-off with Benny Ninja. Ooh! Lover's quarrell! Marvita has plenty of gifts; long legs, strong eyes. But someone needs to get her the greatest gift of all. Proactive.Stacy-Ann
I am so bored with Stacy-Ann too. She needs to leave. No drama, no fighting. She doesn't pick sides. Long story short, not good for TV.Whitney
I would have picked Whitney for the win, but Anya stole that shit. Whitney is fat as hell, but she is pretty and takes great shots. Also, she gets into a crazy fight next week where she get's called a Racist by Dominique. Pot calling the Kettle black. Dominique is a cold-ass Chola and urrbody knows that Cholas be racist as shit. I would love to say the fight goes somewhere, but this crew is so dullsville that it will go like this:

Whitney: Black girls have better weaves than white girls
Dominique: You is racist!!
Whitney: DON'T CALL ME RACIST!!
Dominique: Okay...I'm sorry. That was out of line.
Whitney: I accept your apology.

Ugh, so boring. Anyways, let's all watch next week as Jaslene crawls her way back into another episode (she needs the $$) and lets all cross our fingers that Tyra doesn't sing again (oh god! Her voice raped my ears!!)

Goddamn Ginger Wednesday!

I have been very very sick this week, so instead of a post, you get a bonus Ginger!Click here to read about today's Ginger.

Ginger Tuesday!

Click here to read about this week's Ginger.

From Teen to Porno; the Skip-Raid talks 'staches.

Just because a Hipster Douchbag can biologically grow a moustache, doesn't mean he should. 2 weeks without shaving, and they look like carbon copies of eachother. Then again, a so does a trip to American Apparel and a pair of Wayfarers. Hey-o! Anyways, here are a few good mustaches, and a few ones that molest my eyes. Who want's a moustache ride?!?The Magnum P.I. aka The Patron Saint of Staches
Sweet sassy, molassey - that is a fantastic stache. B-E-A-Yootiful. If Tom Selleck ever worries that he has tainted his legacy with shit roles in garbage like 3 Men and a Baby, Mr. Baseball, and playing Courtney Cox's boyfriend on Friends, all he has to do is look at this picture. He could do Air Bud 7: Doggy Style and it wouldn't take an ounce of dignity away from the man with the golden 'stache.The Steelmill
Forget those faggos from The Village People; Freddie Mercury has what I like to call the gay power stache. Like, we all know that Freddie Mercury was a toe-tapping burgermeister, but does he not look like he could also build a T-1000 (which as we all know, Real Men Don't Rape...they build Android Assassins).The Silver-Dollar Railroad
Legend has it that William Taft and FDR were big-time rivals and totally hated eachother. I think I know why; Eleanor be jealous of that 'stache. Sorry, token Eleanor Roosevelt was a man over. You have to have a serious set of testiculars in order to pull off a stache this tight. Additionally, you have to have an ultra-tough job, like cattle branding or gator rasslin' if you want to keep a squirrel on your face.The Chola Mouth
It takes a real hew-mew to draw a line above his upper lip with a Sharpie.The Brown Bunny
Vincent Gallo is alot of thingds: douchebag, crackhead, putter of penis in Chloe Sevigny's pie hole. But he is a walking billboard for a stylish 'stache. I think this is sort-of what Hipsters wish they looked like when they grow a moustache.
Dear Hipsters
You will never look like The Gallo. Give up.
xo - meThe Surreal Life
Ron Jeremy is famous for being a hot piece. For me, he will always be a Surreal Life castmate. But before he was sharing a bunk with Gary Coleman, he was autofellating himself with one hell of a porn 'stache. Ew, why the hell do guys want to be able to autofellate themselves? Ugh, grosses me out.The Push Broom
This isn't a real person. Ergo, his 'stache doest count.

Oh, come on!

I will make no excuses - I really love American Apparel. Yes, their clothes are over-priced and they rip and fall apart. And yes, it's essentially the uniform for hipster dooshbags, and that their employees are the paste-eating 5-year-olds of the working world. But I don't care - that shit is hot and I will buy it till the company declares bankruptcy (because coke ain't cheap, people).
Their clothes are really stylish and fit great - they make your ass and junk and bewbs look tremendous. Sadly, though, they do have some pieces in their collection that are terribly gross. Do you see where I am going with this? Cotton Wide Stripe Jersey Tank aka The Pedophile Tank
Ugh, I think there is something wrong with me because I cannot get used to seeing guys in tank tops. They look okay on girls, but there is something about a guy baring his arms that looks so weird. But there is something about this top that goes crosses the line from 'breezy summer shirt' into 'hey kid - I got a whole bag of Cherry Blasters and a bunch of comic books in my van. Wanna come see 'em?'Cotton Spandex Jersey Gloria-V Bodysuit aka The Hungry Crotch
Boys - bodysuits are gross. JSYK. They are fully dependant on you being the exact right size. Too short, and your bodysuit is bunchy and falling off your shoulders and sagging in the crotch. Too tall, and the straps are digging in to your shoulders and your labia are struggling to avoid Camel Toe Status. So the bodysuit is a no-go for most women. But this one is hideous beyond hideous. Its too see-through to wear a bra, so you are subject to flat saggy mcsaggerson bewbs, and too tight to wear underwear. Which means that your crotch is gonna get hungry and start eating that spandex jersey.Poplin Short aka Vinard
My friend Beth used to call nut stink Vinard. It makes sense - nut stink smells like vinegar and mustard. These shorts will provide you with a Costco sized ammount of Vinard.Lamé Legging aka Lame Legging
Anything glittery and stretchy are usually Fat Chick Magnets. Come on, that's not cruel - that's true. Fat girls love glittery stretchy fabrics. These leggings are no excpetion. But more importantly; are people not done with leggings yet?Fine Jersey Visor aka Dude-Bro, surriously...
Does this visor come with a bottle of Rohypnol and a 6-pack of Coronas?Lamé Suspender Swimsuit aka What The Hell?
You know how MENSA has those visual mind puzzles that test to see if you are a genius? Well, this is sort of the opposite of that. For instance, if you spend $36 on this bathing suit, then you are legally retarded (you can apply for a Handicap Parking Permit now!)Organic Infant Baby Rib Short Sleeve Lap T aka Ginger Baby!
Nothing bag about the shirt, just wanted to post a picture of a Ginger Baby. I know he is a Ginger, but come on - he is a Q-T (is his Dad a dealer, cause he's dope to me).Velour Long Sleeve Raglan aka Beers in the Basement
I know that American Apparel embraces the best styles of the 70's and 80's, but this just seems like a lazy steal from the That 70's Show wardrobe room. Also, if any of you have ever owned one of those old 80's velour shirts, you know how damn sweaty you get in it. And let me tell you - velour smells worse than vinard when you have been letting sweat and BO fester in the armpits.Cotton Spandex Jersey High-Waisted Hot Short aka I Found You, Ms. New Booty
I understand the booty shorts - they are sexy and everybody loves ass cleavage. But why the hell do they have a high-waist? What the hell is the point? They look like pregnancy shorts.

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 3 - MAKEOVERS!

Hhhhhokay, so Intern Tylerface wrote the best summation of last night’s episode. Hurr it is…
Last nights episode was intense! Who am I kidding, it was a snore fest. That being said, it was "Tears n' Weaves" and there were weaves a many. Tyra decided it would be fun to scare all the girls shitless by not telling them what they were going to do to their hair, and only show them their final result. Everyone actually seemed decent towards the end! I was surprised, really. Except by Hawaii (AKA: Anya). Her hair was bleached and so were her eyebrows. Bitch looked like Gwen Stefani with that shit. God, it looked so horrible. She looked like me - eyebrowless. (DON'T FRONT!) Marvita got some fucked up ''horse mane'' thing, Claire got her hair bleached and it looks trashy. Hells! There are tonnes of fake blondes and fake red heads now! Lauren looks exceptionally good, but maybe I only say that 'cause she's my fave. Dominique still looks trannylicious. (OMFG! Who else shit themselves when they heard her say "I have to be the mother and the father..." Bitch could pass for either any day.) Who else? Ah, who cares. They modeled Elle McPhearson's lingerie! At least she was there, though. Most of the time I bet the designers don't even know what their clothes are being used for. It's probably just Tyra saying "Y'all, could I borrow about.. oh I don't know - twelve different outfits for the evening?" and when she brings them back the designers can smell ''bad model'' on them. Now, it could either mean Tyra wore them all herself, or she was filming an episode of ANTM. Who knows!

So today (uh, it’s The Mayor again) in honour of watching Rock of Love for the first time last night (I know! How was I not watching that beautiful, poignant show?!?) I will be playing a little game called Roses and Thorns. That means that for every thorn (negative thing) I have to say one rose (positive thing). Because every rose has it’s thorn…. (Ah just need some face time! – Rodeo). I will also be putting who they look like (I felt like I was watching a Celebrity Impersonators episode last night).This week’s loser…Allison
Thorn: Oh god, where do we start?!? She is such.a.bitch. Homegirl needs a reality check, stat. She is a) not that pretty and b) not talented in the least. And besides…NOBODY INSULTS NIGEL BARKER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
Rose: she will get work somewhere, so no tears for Allison. She would be a shoo-in as a Guess model.
She looka-like…a cross between Lacey Chabert and Eva Longoria. Not a good look for anyone.This week’s winner…Lauren
Thorn: she looks a little a point guard in basketball. Also, I hate how she was like “I’m usually in Chucks”. Uh, did you see her Chucks? They were like brand new. Something tells me she just bought her first pair a few days before shooting.
Rose: Girl had it goin' on. The editors made it seem like she was doing bad, but her little "woah I'm gonna fall off the boat like, right now....”
She is not one to mess with. I think she will be in the final 3.
She looka-like…a bit like Sarah Polley Aimee
Thorn: One of the new “fingers” (fake Gingers). Her shot was okay, but we've gotten used to the fact that she's gonna slide right through this until Tyra's like: "Oh, you're still here?"
Rose: she has a great body. She worked that lingerie.
She looka-like…not really anyoneAmos
Thorn: Girl was saved from the bottom two by the horrible skin of her face. She's my bet as to who's going next week.
Rose: …uh….she’s friendly!
She looka-like…a man! That terrible weave makes her look like a frat boy in dragAnya
Thorn: my eyes are bored.
Rose: if they let her, she could work such a Gwen Stefani Sweet Escape look
She looka-like…a Downs Syndromed Kate HudsonClaire
Thorn: I. Hate. Her. Hair. Wait, didn't I say I liked everyone's makeovers? Fuck it. I lied. This shit is disgusting. The picture doesn't do anything for me either.
Rose: when her roots grow out a little, she is gonna look mega-fierce.
She looka-like…Susan Powter and JaelDominique
Thorn: Tranny had some stretch marks! Understandable now that I know she's a mom. Tyra was like; "You can cover that up when you pose." Pfft. Aren't airbrushers and photoshop experts supposed to do that? No wait - they were probably too fucking tired after photoshopping Tyra's photo and Amis' face.
Rose: Tyra is letting her have another makeover next week! Thank god, cause she is looking BEAT! Plus, she no longer looks like a Chola-Jordan
She looka-like…a soccer mom/Frances McDormand in FargoFatima
Thorn: Mmm... girl's gettin' on my last nerve. I love the way she unknowingly insults everyone. Her picture was so Iman, though. It was good, in my opinion - but what do I know as the consumer? You know; the person that actually looks at the photos in stores to see if I actually wanna buy... oh wait. None of them get that far!
Rose: THEY GOT RID OF THAT SHITTY POODLE HAIR!! Her hair was so effing gross – it looked like a wig made from Cocker Spaniel puppies. Her hair is a huge improvement.
She looka-like…Iman. Which is not a good thing. If an agency wants a model that looks like Iman, they will hire Iman. Case closed.Katterginna
Thorn: oh my god, they were too kind to her when they said she looked like a Mail Order Bride. She looks like a straight-up porn star.
Rose: her hair colour looks great on her.
She looka-like…Chantal from Cycle 9Marvita
Thorn: that mullet weave!
Rose: Gosh, I'm seriously beginning to like this chilwe! She may have her bad attitude, and rough, manly exterior - but you know homegirl sleeps with a stuffed animal. That bein' said, girl took a really great photo. Even though they were in front of the Brooklyn Bridge, that shit was totally fake behind her.
She looka-like…Chris Rock and OmarosaStacy-Ann
Thorn: Why do they love her facial features? She's like, square.
Rose: um…I just don’t know. I really could do without her. I think her hair looks…uh…short.
She looka-like…black Paris HiltonWhitney
Thorn: she needed to fierce that shot up. It looks so Victoria’s Secret/Cosmo/Sex and the City (mainstream boring girls)
Rose: in the photo, Whitney is wearing a corset and Tyra was like "I wanna see your fat!" Well... basically. But it’s true – she has a great body for someone with a little…extra carriage. She needs to show it off.
She looka-like…Cher in the Clueless TV show and Anna Nicole Smith (RIP!)

Next Week on ANTM…The girls freak on Whitney! They'd all best back off. I bet she could like, crush em. I heart (disease) Whitney. And Miss J goes loco on Amos and Fatima. Yes! Someone’s gonna put Fatima in her place!

Get to know your Mayor

Have you ever wondered what I am like? Yeah, I don't blame you - you have better things to do. But since I have to bridge the gap between Ginger Tuesday and ANTM Thursday, here is a little peek into my life. Now would be a good time for a long piss break.As you already know, I am cat-sitting for the next two months. It's okay, but the cat is such a dooshbag Williamsburg hipster. All he talks about is chicken wings and Labatt 50 and Vampire Weekend. He says he enjoys American Idol on an ironic level, but I think it's because he secretly likes shitty music like Nickleback.
PS - that's not me in the picture, btw. Just thought I would clarify.I collect Cubes. It's nerdy, but they are sort of cool. They are little miniatures of an office with little computers and little motivational posters and stuff. I tried to think of a couple of cool set ups, but this is all I could think of...2 Girls 1 Cup. The only way this even slightly resembles 2 Girls 1 Cup is the fact that it is 2 ladies and a little cup. Sadly, Cubes do not come with little plastic turds. Actually, that's a good thing. I tried to set them up again, but Tiny Town was ravaged by GODZIRRA!!I got to the office before the cat ate the IT guy or started choking on the fax machine.I'm sure if you imagined what I looked like, I might be a fat goth or a sad loner cat lady or something. Maybe, but not quite. I am actually very girly. This is my dresser. Every piece on it I wear in regular rotation. Uh...not the sunglasses. Those are the cats. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!!

GET READY TO HAVE YOUR FUCKING MIND BLOWN!

That was a bit much, but for real - THE NEW GINGER WEBSITE IS UP!! Check out Dirty Gingers! Do it; you can check it out here at Dirty Gingers.com
Check it out...Dirty Gingers.com
PS - if you want to see this week's Ginger, you will have to go to Dirty Gingers.com
PPS - it will update every week, so you won't have to miss out on all your weekly Ginger hatred.

Monday Morning Weekend Roundup

Hey friends! What's crappenin? There were plenty of great things that happened this weekend for me. Uhhh....shit, nothing cool happened. I got my legs waxed. Not much to say about that. It doesn't hurt; the only people who complain about it are big-time wusses. Anyways, the new Ginger website is almost up, and I really can't wait to show it to you guys. It's gonna be great.
But enough about that - let's talk about a few good things from the weekend.

I went to see There Will Be Blood just for the milkshake joke.
I mean, I went to see it because it is a kick-ass movie (for reals) but that milkshake joke was the tie-breaker (between that and Juno. Praise the lord I didn't see Juno. Fuck you, Diablo Cody!)

Ellen Page fucks up SNL
You heard me. That over-rated bitch crapped up snl so much on Saturday night. Every sketch was lame. I know that's more like the writer's fault, but come on - she could have tried to not suck. She is a crappy actress. The only sort-of funny sketch was the Peter Pan one. Ugh, it wasn't even that good.

How awesome was the show C.O.P.S

Seriously, sometime this week I need to do an article on this. I used to watch C.O.P.S every Saturday when I was a kid. Who else loved this shit? I say shit, because the animation was one step above Samurai Pizza Cats.

Here's the story about me barfing
Last week I told you how I was gonna tell you the fantastic story of me barfing on the city bus. Gather round, children! This is a good one!
So remember waaay back last year when I was on a TV show (no? Don't worry about it, I barely remember myself). I was on set super-early in the morning. Like, 7am. I don't do shit like 7am on-set calls, so I was sitting there in the holding room feeling mad ill. You know when you get so sick feeling, that all someone has to do is look at you the wrong way and you feel like punching them? I figured I should go home. The last thing I needed was to barf on someone on camera, so I booked it home. I was on the bus riding home and I was maybe 11 minutes from home and I had to pull the stop-bell. I barely made it onto the sidewalk before barfing everywhere. I caught the next bus after 10 minutes and I had been in my seat for about 3 seconds before I had to pull the stop-bell again. I pushed those doors open like there was no tomorrow. I again barfed like crazy. This sucked because it was now about 8am and tonnes of Dads and Moms were taking their kids to school. I can only imagine them walking by me and going "see Jonas...this is why you don't drink all night. Getting drunk is silly...".
Ugh, I wasn't hungover (or drunk). I wasn't sure why I was sick, but it was probably medication or something. Honestly, stop judging. Don't tell me you haven't barfed in public. I seem to do it alot, but I have issues.