Stop...Boner Time.

Click to make big. Don't act like you don't want to, you pervert!

This picture could have a celebate running for a whorehouse. Holy shit, the only person who wouldn't find this hot is a blind person or someone with a clinical fear of stone foxes (I think it's called Bonerphobia). If someone were to look at my dating rap sheet, they would see a string of scrawny art fags, so I am serious when I say I have a 'type', and that this isn't it (Editor's Note: please see past Stop...Boner Time subjects). But sweet baby Jesus in a manger, Hugh Jackman is walking sex. Normally he isn't this burly and hairy and drippy and such, but he is shooting the Wolverine movie right now. Ps: now is a good time to talk about how good the Wolverine movie will be.
Normally, he looks a little more like this:Even when he is playing a flaming homo in The Boy from Oz on Broadway, he is still effing hot. I would let him shit on me (if I ain't being too subtle) but I am quite depraved and should really invest in professional help. Whatever! Don't act like you wouldn't either, sluts! Now also might be a good time to mention that I would not in fact let someone shit on me*. My mother has enough nightmares about how screwed up I am, and she doesn't need to add "possible fecalfeliac" to that.

*I would totes let Adrien Brody drop a deuce on me.

Oh shit! Shoes worse than Crocs!?!?

Okay, no time for a what's crappening. This is super-serious. So I was riding home today and I saw a poster for these shiteous monstrosities. They are called Dopies. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth. A lot. Good lord, are you looking at this shit?!? Fuck!! Plastic and velcro and Moose Knuckles. ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!? Santa Maria, these maybe the ugliest fucking sandals I have ever seen. Way worse than Denim Crocs. Way worse than those bejeweled Birkenstocks. I hate these shoes so much that given the choice between wearing these in public and having someone tattoo a sore-covered penis on my face, I would choose the tattoo. I would rather drink my own urine...natch, I would drink a pint glass of my own "ice tea" (Tim and Eric reference) than have to wear these shoes. I think that if I put my foot in one, it would shrivel up like the Wicked Witch of the East when the house fell on her. Like battery acid on skin.
Are you looking at the logo? How much money do you want to bet that it originally contained a drawing of a Greatful Dead dancing bear. I really would love to believe that the people at Terra Plana (the inhuman animals that created Dopies) are pulling a prank on us, but I am not so lucky. Oh! Speaking of animals! Yes, that is a man with the head of a wolf. Humanity is fucked. See you after the apocalypse, people! Hopefully Pestilence Pony will make my death quick and painless.

UPDATE: I would totally eff that wolf/man, but it appears to have the head of a Baby Wolf. You think Chris Hansen will be at my door if I email it and ask it if it wants to come to my house and drink Zimas?

I rate snacks.

M&M Indiana Jones Promotional Mint Crisp Ms.
Well...what can I say? They are chocolate. They are mint. They have a cripsy middle. Wait, wha?Yeah, crispy middle. Wasn't too sure how I felt about that. But let me first address the more pressing issue at hand; what the Sweet Pepaw Harrison Ford does mint M&Ms have to do with Indiana Jones?!? I know that they are marketing this movie pretty aggressively, but mint? Huh? You couldn't just make a bag of Peanut M&Ms all yellow and call them Gold Nuggets or something? Was mint a popular flavour amongst the Nazis? Does mint remind Harrison Ford of the mouthwash he needs to use everyday or else his dentures will start a'stankin? I don't get it. And why the Green M&M on the package? They couldn't turn the Melting Nazi into a M&M character? Plus, will you take a look at the colours?!?Pastel green? Yeah, I guess that is what I immediately think of when I remember the Indiana Jones movies. Lots of sand and weapons and whips and hot sun and...lush green foliage? Oh dear. The good news is they actually taste pretty decent. Mint and chocolate is an obvious win-win, but that crunchy middle is a fresh reminder that M&Ms needs to start updating their stable of ponies. Plain and Peanut are getting pretty tired.
GRADE: B+
I would actually buy these again.

Candy Update! If any of you find an interesting candy or food product, please send it my way. I would love to try it and...uh...profile it on The Skip-Raid? Fuck the jokes, just like getting presents of candy. Peace!

Montreal, Part 2

Okay, so while in Montreal we stopped in a dollar store because a week or two earlier my friend had seen these awesome figures. At first I thought they were ceramic (well, resin. Ceramic is too high-class for a dollar store) statues of lesbians. But upon further inspection...Oh yeah, these bad boys are Asian pop stars. Asian male popstars. The Asians love their men very feminine; I am not sure why. But they are all over the long hair and designer jeans and make up. I guess that is why they go berserk for Michael Jackson. Ew! These kind of look like Lil' Jackos (minus the kid-touchies). Speaking of 'kid touchies', this weekend we developed a very good theory as to why girls become strippers and pose for Suicide Girls and such. TBAU (or T'baw); Touched By an Uncle. Girl getting a little slutty at a party and says she'll suck a D for $5? Touched by an uncle. Someone has a few too many innapropriate Myspace pics on their Facebook? Touched by an uncle. Stripped to put yourself through college? Touched by an uncle. Working at McDonalds at 28? Touched by an uncle.
Now kids, incest is NO JOKE. For serious - I read Flowers in the Attic and Petals on the Wind, and incest is fucked and sad and really messes up your noggin. But for real - strippers be trippin. Agreed? Back to the Asian Trannies!!Okay, I love all of them for various reasons, but let's go left to right.
1) Okay, there is so much going on here. First off, the yellow Live Strong bracelet. Second, the flowers (he is so sensitive!!! heart heart heart!), and...are those saddle shoes? I think so. Amazing. This is the Asian pop star when he takes you to the prom. he doesn't need a suit cause he is so REBELLIOUS!!!
2) In Ontario, we call this look the Sudbury Tuxedo. Denim Dan!
3) You can't really see it, but this one is wearing a Ruff Ryders necklace. Yes, this guy is BADASSS. 3 S's badass. That's serious. I heard that this guy abuses pitbulls too, but for another reason all together (Number 9 special with rice). Fuck! Sorry Asians!!!
4) Microphone guy. He is serious about his career as a crooner and would never take it lightly. He is out there on the stages of Osaka Prefecture and Hokkaido every night singing his heart out to one special lady (it could be you!) He is also so comfortable in his own skin he doesn't mind looking like a dead ringer for a skinny Rosie O'Donnell.

Anyways, it was a fun-as-hell weekend and I can't wait to go back! I am going to be going back for Fringe (aka Plays and Theatre and Bullcrap) because I want to see Degrassi: The Musical. It is going to rock my socks off. And if it doesn't, then feces will be thrown.

Montreal, Part 1

Welcome back, Scrubs and Pigeons! Did you have a good weekend? I did. As you can tell from the title, I spent the weekend in Canada's Baguette, Montreal. As you may remember way back to October, I spent a week with my best friend. She didn't know I was coming this weekend, so it was a big surprise; thankfully, fate didn't work against me and the surprise didn't blow up in my face. Anyways, lots of awesome things happened. Too many to name on The Skip-Raid (and most you obviously wouldn't give a rats-ass about, so no worries).

Fuck, where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah. I found two great things in the City of French this weekend. Well, actually, my friend discovered one, but you don't get to see that one till tomorrow. It is pretty griz. But yeah, so we went to Value Village (it's called Village du Valeur there) and in between trying on leather maternity pants and finding a Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony-like floral dress, we found a very cute book called Pupu Party Planner for $0.99. It was this super-cute Hawaiian recipe book from the 60s. The name made us laugh a bit in the ValVill (cause both of us love shit jokes) but otherwise it was just adorable and needed to be bought. We got it home and discovered that Pupu was actually much funnier than we originally thought.

America's Next Model who will get a Seventeen cover, and then straight to the Where Are They Now? pile is...WHITNEY

Recount! How did Whitney win? Don't get me wrong; she was my clear favourite. But Anya had it in the bag! I was honestly shocked. Shocked. I can't believe Whitney won. I was really looking forward to hearing Anya's crazy-English acceptance speech. Wouldn't that have been just precious?
I am of the thank-you Tyra!! Being the model on top is just what my heart desired in all it's dreams!! Miss J, Paulina, Nigel Barker, you will all be in my mind for the years to come and glitter!
Whitney just gave us some South Florida Wal-Mart cosmetics department employee bullshit. "Tee hee! I won!" Boooring! Also, if Anya had won, we would have gotten a full 3 pages of Anya-talk in Seventeen. It would be like the incoherant ramblings of a crackhead. The only interview I would have wanted to read more would have been Jael from Cycle 8. Now that would have been one hell of an interview.

Anyways, congrats Whitney! I hear Rock of Love 3 is casting; looks like you could be back on TV in no time!

UPDATE!!
El Scandalo! FourFour has some very interesting conspiracy theories pusstulating around Whitney's win. And, like a zit about to explode all over your bathroom mirror (sorry, it's too early for that shit) I am going to print it. So here are a few beach shots of WhitWhit. I'm sure you have seen them, but in case you have a life and don't spend 20 hours a day on the internet, here they are:

Uh oh, someone not loo-keeng so fat, ese! Rumour is that Whitney was approached by Tyra & Co. (like Tiffany & Co...but you know, less classy) to gain a few and they would put her on the show. What, they can't get fatties to audition anymore? Offer a couple of 2-for-1 P'zone coupons, and you will have more people lining up to audition than Maury has Baby Mamas wanting paternity tests. Anyways, Whitney agreed, gained "10 to 20 lbs" (yeah right - more like 40) and thus gave us the WhitWhit we all know and love. The source (god, I feel like a newsreel announcer from Dick Tracy. Who says source?) claims that this was all a set-up and that she would be guaranteed a spot in the final 3. Who should we believe? An anonymous tipster with a fairly believable story? Whitney and her downhome, Paula Deen shit-eating grin? Hells, let's ask Anya:

Ooh! The Whitney was very nice body, but then the weight came on and the smile was always there. She loves to have the big heart, and she represents all that is special in the witnessing of modeling!

Wait, what? Let me smoke a doob laced with paint thinner; I need to get good and high before that makes any sense.

New Summer Lineup!! Ginger Wednesdays!! Shrimp and White Wine!!

Hey Turds! Today is Wednesday, which can only mean one thing. Uh...um. Line?
Sorry, but years of standing behind my family's Buick, slowly and methodically inhaling the exhaust, have completely killed my short-term memory. Also, I just pooped my pants. Zach Galifianakis.
Moving on. What was that about the summer lineup? Well, let me give you a heads up that this summer you won't be getting your daily dose of Skip-Raid. In fact, you will be getting about 2 posts a wee. Why? Let me give you the long and short of it; people are not around in the summer, and if I write a post every day I will go crazy. And if you want to read a post everyday, you need to stop, cause summer is the time for you to get outside and ride bikes and run and eat popsicles and sit on the grass. So anyways, please expect that from now until September 1/08, posts are gonna be pretty skimpy. Except for dirtygingers.com; I plan on updating that once a week still.

Speaking of which...
Click here to read about this week's Ginger!

And what was that about Shrimp and White Wine? Needless to say I bought Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job Season 1 this weekend and I have been watching it constantly. I will only take a break to watch Law & Order: SVU and America's Next Top Model.
For your health!

My Father buys my love with Candy.

Every year my father goes on a golf trip to Virgina. And every year he asks what we would like him to bring us back. When we were kids, we wanted toys, then clothes. One year he brought me a package of thin jelly bracelets. I LOVED that year. I thought I was so cool. This was, of course, waaay before those bracelets meant sexual stuff you did on the playground. Anyways, for the past few years, my dad has been brining us cereal and candy. We can get candy and cereal in Canada, but it's not nearly as cool as American stuff. We have Froot-Loops, America has Froot-Loops with marshmallows and glitter. We have Skittles, America has Skittles with Baby Teeth. One year I asked my dad for Cocoa Pebbles. He forgot which cereal I wanted, so he went to a grocery and bought every chocolate cereal in the aisle. I got Cocoa Pebbles, Coco-Puffs, Cocoa Crispies, Generic Cocoa Snaps, Store-brand Choco-Cracks, etc etc. It was the best month of my life, for reals. This year he surprised me with a few gems. And what kind of person would I be if I didn't share them with you? Let's do this! Let's rate candy!

We have 3 different candybars today: Butterfinger Stixx, Twix Java, and Mounds. The Butterfinger Stixx come in a nice little package. I feel like I have been given a present that I get to unwrap. Although it does seem like a little bit excessive; why do I need candy wrapped in a package, then put into a box? I'm not buying this shit at Costco. Unwrapping the Butterfinger sticks (I'm sorry; I refuse to call them stixx. Is this 1993?) was fiddly; they aren't terribly durable and you feel like you are going to snap it in half. It looks like when your shit slides out of your ass and makes a long cigar. I never do this, but I am told it happens. On to the taste.It said that the inside was supposed to be Butterfinger candy creme aka cream. Well..I'm sure it becomes cream when it digests in your stomach. It's more of a chalky peanutty centre. Also, it tastes like hazelnut, which is a let-down because I really love the fake-peanut-orange taste of the Butterfinger middle. But I will give the Butterfinger Stick this; I like things that let me pretend to smoke, so this gets 1 thumb up.Next on the chopping block is the Twix Java. This comes fast on the heels of many a fantastic Twix re-invention. Twix, Twix Fudge, Peanut Butter Twix. I was apprehensive at first because normally candybar + coffe = shitty diaper, but this is FAN-fucking-TASTIC. The caramel is mixed with coffee, and the cookie is chocolate instead of plain. When you throw them together, you get what tastes like a chocolate-brownie-sundae. I really enjoy this. Very mellow coffee taste; if anything, it just brings out the natural chocolatey taste of the cookie. Sorry for the blurry picture, but you get the idea. Chocolate plus coffee caramel plus chocolate. I would cut these into bite-sized pieces and serve them to guests. The one thing I don't like about the Peanut Butter Twix is that it is too dry. The regular Twix is very sweet. This is a lovely balance. I give this one a very fat thumb up.And of course we have Mounds, a candybar that unlike the Butterfinger Stixx and the Twix Java, will not be finding its way to the 2 for $1 bin at your local convenience store. I'm sorry, but that's the way "new" candybar launches end. Mounds is a fantastic candybar (for those who love coconut) and a steaming pile (for those who hate coconut). The Almond Joy is Mound's milk chocolate brother (with an almond on top), and I prefer the dark chocolate. That coconut middle is so sweet, so I like the subtle bitterness. Also, I like how Mounds, like Twixm is split into two. Its like you finish one, and then surprise! you get another one! Plus, you don't have to waste precious eating time unwrapping it. I think Mounds may be one of my favourite candybars ever. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

All in all, I think my dad really scored one for the home team. He took a risk with some new candybars, and I am glad he did. Thanks pops! I owe you one!!

I found the Blair Witch!

Click to make big (if you hate your eyes).

There is a special place in hell for the papparazzi who developed and distributed this roll of film. There is not enough Visine in all the pharmacies in all the World to take the sting out of my peepers after I looked at Amy Winehouse in the woods. But for serious, am I the only one who looks at this picture and gets flashbacks of their Grade 12 History test on The Holocaust? What. The. Fuck?!? The worst part is when she dies, and she will, people are going to cry and weep even worse than when Aaliyah died (oh shit, remember how agonizing that was? Everyone was like "She was so..so talented". OMG, I would say she is on par with Rihanna...aka Marginally Talented). But at least Aaliyah's death was a huge shock; raise your hands if Amy Winehouse's death is gonna surprise you. Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. If I liked to place bets for money (and I do) I would put my life savings on Amy Winehouse dying within the next 8 months. Shit, imagine if Vegas bookies had weird bets? Put me down for $60 on Paris Hilton gets punched-in-face, and let's say...$120 on Jeremy Piven acts like asshole.

But for seres, can we not trick Amy Winehouse into doing a "documentary" on addictions, and then have her meet up with Ken Seeley from Intervention? It wouldn't take much; she is essentially the female Tyrone Biggums. She eat Peanut Butter and Crack sandwiches. SHAZAM!

You are Not the Father Friday

Know what I hate? The term secret shame. People, if you like something, why be ashamed of it? Ashamed to admit you watch Dancing with the Stars? Own that shit! Ashamed that you go to Taco Bell and order the Family Meal for yourself? Who effing cares! What really bothers me is when people are ashamed to admit they watch daytime-TV. Trash television like People's Court, Judge Mathis (hells yes! He used to run with the Earl Flynns!) and, god rest her soul, Jenny Jones. I am willing to go on the record to state that I, The Mayor, fucking love Maury Povitch. I mean, I like the other ones, but if they got cancelled I wouldn't cry for weeks. If Maury got cancelled, well...I just don't see a reason for living. Who else would tell me who the baby's father is? I NEED TO KNOW THIS SHIT.

Bokay, this is a great clip from Maury. It's your standard paternity test, so no surprises there. But please watch how springy the guy gets when he finds out the results. Also, at the end, please check out around the 1:16 mark and read Lashana's caption. Ho fo' Sho!


This next one combines my two loves; dancing, and fat people falling.


The next clip has been doctored by a fan - not too much, though. It still maintains the integrity of the results. I honestly love how cocky these bitches get when they are up there. They are always like "I know Jeremiah is Ko'shers father! Look at the eyes! They have the same eyes! I am 500% sure!"
Meanwhile in the back of their head they are going 'aw hells naw. If he ain't Ko'shers father, Ima be right back here in 3 weeks with Darnell." But for real, this one is fantastic.

America's Next Top Mo...aw, fuck it, Anya's gonna win.

Seriously, why keep showing new episodes? Anya has this thing. Okay, so last night the four remaining skanks had the challenge of who could be the best photographer with Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah. Fatima did well, Whitney did pretty good, Anya was just excited to hold a camera for the first time, and Dominique was taking sample shots to submit to her plastic surgeon ("I want my breasts like this, I like her hips, her neck is nice - no adam's apple"). Then the 'noted' fashion photographer Nigel Barker shot them in a papparazzi-inspired photoshoot aka We're Running Out of Ideas for Photoshoots. I would say that considering we're dealing with 4 MR-Fs, they managed to get the shots and not totally fuck them up. Would all the girls who managed to look pretty and feminine please step forward?Not so fast, Dominique...
I have only one word about last night's elimination: Finally! How in Sweet Baby Jesus's name did she make it to the final 4? Dominique wasn't just a bad model; she was an effing moron. Ugh, she's like that girl you work with that complains non-stop about how if she were in charge "there would be some serious changes". You know what I am talking about? The one where when you ask if they graduated High School and they just go "oh mah god, no, but it's because I had all my classes and bla bla bla the teachers hated me and bla bla bla" instead of just going "yeah, I'm a fuck-up".
Whatever, glad you're gone, bitch! See you at the Single Moms United Together meeting! And now for the rest...
Anya
Can we not just give her the crappy Seventeen cover yet? Oh shit, I just realized something...next week is gonna be CoverGirl photoshoot week!! Yes, I live for that disaster! Anya's will look great, but it will also have just a touch of wonk. Also, I would like to see what CoverGirl colours they use on her. I just dyed my hair Anya blonde, and all my makeup makes me look like Paris Hilton aka A Massive Whore.Fatima
This picture is great, whatever, but can we get to the real subject here? What is up with Fatima's face?!? Did she have that much acne coming into the competition? Holy crap, sometimes when they would do the close-ups of her, I had to turn away. Her next challenge should be Washing Her Face.Whitney
Oh Whitney, my dark horse. I knew that she would be in the final 3. And I hate to say it, but I think she might be going home next week. I just don't see her facing-off with Anya. She could face-off with Fatima, but she will get a face-full of puss-explosions. Hey-o! But seriously, it was nice knowing you Whit-Whit.

Next week...I don't know what happens! My damn TV station keps skippin g through it, and just went straight to Rock of Love. I'm not complaining, but I would have liked to see what happens!

Perez Hilton: Racist?

Click to make big.

I don't often read Perez Hilton. I like to put him in the same category as Sex and the City, Appletinis, books by Sophie Kinsella, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Rockstar Energy Drink (ie. things boring people like). I would much rather spend my time reading Dlisted every 12 minutes, but really, Michael K is on a completely different level than Perez 'Fat Starfucker' Hilton, so it's really unfair to compare the two. Like Apples and Feces. Anyways, my point is...
I was reading Perez and stumbled across this ad (which is difficult, because his site has so many ads it's like the Wal-Mart of Blogs) and riiiiight down near the bottom, what do we see? The N word aka PR Nightmare! Someone isn't doing their proofreading job very well! I would love to see Perez fire someone over this, but I am pretty sure he runs the site with the help of his Moms and his dog.

I also love that it is in a bullshit Facebook-like application called The Ultimate Flirting Widget. Nothing says 'hey boy, I think you're cute' like whipping out one of the most offensive racial slurs known to man. Also, in response to the question, how does ones hair smell like a black person? Does black hair not smell like white hair? Eww, fuck that noise, hair smell is gross. One time, I was stuck in a car on a small road trip with someone who had seriously thick dreds, and the hair smelled like poo and skin-tags. Ugh, it was so musty. Now is a good time to stress that the wearer of the dreds is white. There is a special spot in Hell for white people with dredlocks.

Law & Order: SVU

Why the hell is there a picture of 7th Heaven? Because SVU did not dissapoint on its promise to provide viewers with some serious D-list guest stars, and this week we got REV. ERIC MOTHERFUCKING CAMDEN. Now, I myself have never seen one full episode of the shitshow that was 7th Heaven, because it was effing lame. Any show with Ashlee Simpson or She-Hulk Biel (before she became She-Hulk) is a guaranteed failure. But that didn't stop me from getting excited last night when Benson and Stabler track down a murder suspect and who turns around? The Dad from 7th Heaven and...the asshole guy from Legally Blonde! Jesus, last week it was Didi Conn (Shining Time Station!...oh yeah, and Frenchie in Grease) and the guy who ruins every film he is in. What's his name...ah yeah, Robin Williams. The star of such cinematic masterpieces like Flubber and Bicentennial Man. Anyways, moving on. Here's what happened (WARNING! M. Night Shyamalan-like twists ahead. So if you Tivo'd this shit, stop reading. SVU is useless if you know the ending before you watch the episode).

Okay, so Benson and Stabler arrive at a crime scene that has been burned to the ground. Right away, that is your cute that there isn't going to be any kid-rape. If we opened on a playground, however. So yeah, they are looking around and meet a Firemarshal who in my opinion, was a little too chatty. I was like "oh, he totally did it!" Yeah, then we cut scenes and never see him again, so all his fire-puns and leading questions were for naught. They discover the Vic is a stylist who has been fooling aorund with some rich guys. What, Rachael Zoe wasn't available? Perfect casting if SVU decided to have the Vic come back as a zombie. So they start where most detectives start; the Vic's Angel Healer! What was that all about? I love how they are like "the Angel Healer told us to find an African guy down at the New York Stock Exchange...let's roll!" instead of saying "wait a second...why are we listening to a source that is perhaps less credible than the rambling homeless junkie downstairs?"

So they hit up the stock floor and meet Rev. Camden/Gordon Gekko. He tells them they are looking for his son, who is in Rio or something getting coffee beans (they are coffee magnates). Needless to say, a sickening ammount of coffee/bean puns are made. The nest day they track down the son who is flying back, and he has been in aruba. Right now, the son is Public Enemy No.1 and they think that the dad might be covering up for the stylist peacing out. Both are taken downtown. While at the precinct, Cragen tells Benson to wake up Munch and get him down to question Pops and the kid. It is 2am, by the way, so Munch is a pissed off Jew. By the way, now would be a great time for me to mention that I wish Munch was in more episodes. I love his character, althought the Transitions Lenses I could do without.

Munch buys them enough time to pin them to the crime scene and ADA Novak waddles in with some DNA proofs. I say waddled, because homegirl is looking f-a-t. I think they might be trying to cover up a real-life pregnancy or something, because it looked like she spent a weekend locked in a Chinese Buffet. I will look into it. Novak finds some great stuff; the son was engaged to the stylist and the dad got her pregnant. Obviously, the son punches the dad in the face. Rev. Camden, how could you?!? This just backs up my theory that the Vic was a ho fo' sho.

Now both are prime suspects. They are bazillionairs and the stylist put up a fight over a pre-nup. Son = murdered the ho because she wasn't going to sign and would take his ass to the cleaners. Then she gets pregnant with dad's baby. Dad = murdered the ho because she demanded more hush-money. It was anyone's game. Then my least favourite part of the episode happens; the defense lawyer shows up. Ugh, they are always cocky bastards like "you're goin' down, ese!" even when there is irrefutable proof that they did it. This week's defense jackass is some Jamie-Lynn Sigler lookalike who won't shut. the. fuck. up. Seriously, she was such a prick.

They go to court and the son turns on the dad. Uh oh! Someone's going to the pokey! No one admits anything, but both are adament that they did not kill that ho (fo' sho). 9 days of deliberations go by and it's a hung jury. Novak corners maybe the best Court Cop in the history of the series, a part that could have been played better only by Mo'Nique. The cop tells Novak that it was one juror that thought they were innocernt; everyone else was 100% the dad and son were in on it together. Novak then tracks down the renegade juror (um, is that legal?) and does some serious Matlock work. She discovers that the juror cashed $25000 one day and $25000 the next. Shit! Hush money! Doesn't that woman know you ask for unmarked $20s? No paper trail. The juror is a single mom who says she took the bribe because her son has CP and she might get kicked out of her home. Boo freaking hoo. Maybe you wouldn't have to worry about not paying rent if you didn't live in the most expensive city in North America, jackass. Shit, I can't live in NYC and I am doing alright for myself. Novak realizes that if they go back to court, they will just keep bribing helpless jurors, so she tries to get the proof that the woman was bribed. She was given the money by a PI, and not the dad or son. Benson and Stabler go to investigate the PI, who conveniently has a photo of him and the dad on his wall. All the evidence has been shredded by the secretary, so they are basically effed. Then they do a little police rooting at the crime scene and discover a hidden camera. Convenient! They ask the dad, son, and their lawyer into the police station to view it with them, and at this time, they know who the killer is. The tape reveals...it was the lawyer!! Oh snap! She runs out of the office and Novak is all like "no worries, bitch ain't goin far" and then the emergency alarm goes off. Homegirl made a run for the roof and is standing at the ledge. Pfft, cry for attention.

The son tries to talk her down and she keeps yammering on and on about how she was better for him and the stylist was a ho who was after his money and bla bla bla. He then goes up to her to get her down, and she hugs him and says something like "If I can't have you, no one will". Psycho talk! Then she pulls him with all her weight over the edge and they land on a police car's roof. Deadsville! Rev. Camden breaks up, cause his son is dead, doye, and Novak stands there with a desperate I need 12 cheeseburgers look in her eyes. And then it ends! The killer dies, the son dies, and the dad drowns his sorrows in a 7th Heaven marathon.

Ginger Tuesday

Click here to read about this week's Ginger!

True Facts about The Mayor

What's crappenin' friends? How was your weekend? Mine was pretty solid; went out Friday to my friend Paul's house. Which reminds me - a shout-out goes out today to Paul's partner. Can't remember her name...Michelle or Melissa or something with an M. Regardless, a new reader is a new friend. Holy shit, did I just write that? Wow, I obviously took in too much car exhaust this weekend (don't act like you don't love sniffing on the end of a tailpipe).

Anyways, wasn't too sure what to write today since I had a bit of a strange weekend. I had a massive headache on Saturday and stayed in my house watching DVDs all day. And while that does sound like a cute Lily Allen song, I should remind you that I had no cat in the house and barely any snacks. Also, I haven't done my laundry in weeks (2 to be exact) and I had nothing but leggings and a bleach-splattered t-shirt. I just got it at American Apparel last week which means it is going to look rad for about 2 days and then start falling apart at the seams.Santa Maria, how did this model sneak into the photo shoot? Shit, remember when American Apparel models had at least a shred of hottness? This girl looks like the girls I went to High School with who were really into Music Class. Ouch, her mug is hurting my eyes. Can't. Look.

Moving on. This weekend I did some pretty embarrassing things. Know what I hate? When people are like "I'm so nerdy! I watch Saved By The Bell reruns/play Mario Kart/shop at Salvation Army!!". That is not fucking nerdy, that is cool. What I do is true nerd. I collect old-tymey cookbooks (and not for keeping on my coffee table to be ironic, either. I actually make recipes from them). I knit small mice for cats. I have every line memorized from Mean Girls. And yet I still have friends. It's a miracle. But yeah, here are some True Facts about me. Enjoi!

FACT:
I have 4 Minutes by Madonna on my iPod.
Okay, first things first - I need to stress that I got my iPod free when someone bought a computer like, 2 years ago. I don't want you to think I am cruising town with a Touch or an iPhone or anything. Just thought I'd put that out there. But I actually downloaded 4 Minutes and I LOVE IT. This would be a great time to stress that I think Madonna was invented to keep people stupid and that Timbaland uses the same damn beats in every song. He is almost as repetitive as NERD (not quite as annoying). For serious though, I have listened to it several times and it is growing on me like crabs (which I have never had - just saying).
For reals, though, Madonna needs to retire. She is killing me with lameness.

FACT:
I think Judd Apatow's Freaks and Geeks is overrated.
Sorry. It is. I rented the DVDs this weekend from my local Blockbuster (because I live in a Moms-n'-Dads-n'-Kids neighborhood, so there is narry a good video store). I was super curious because it is always on every critics Top 10 lists and shit and people are constantly comparing Judd Apatow to Jesus (they shouldn't...he's not that great). I won't deny it - it is a good show. A great show? Yeah, sorry. He tried to make a TV show about the 'losers' and instead just glamourized the less-than-popular kids. Jesus, at my High School the 'freaks' were some of the cool kids. At least they were accepted by them. In my school, people were apathetic to the real freaks and geeks; they acted like they didn't exist. I think that's worse.

FACT:
Eagle vs. Shark is fucking amazing.
I remember waaay back to like, 2 years ago, when I heard the rumblings about this movie and was very very excited. Then it came out and everyone blasted it for being a sub-par Napoleon Dynamite. Since the only people who really like Napoleon Dynamite now are frat boys and moronic girls with terrible taste, I decided to pass. It wasn't until much later when my friend Lauren asked if I had seen it, and then told me I need to. Well, I finally rented it and must say: it is NOTHING like Napoleon Dynamite. Yes, they are social misfits (like Napoleon Dynamite) but that is the core theme of like, thousands of movies. Ugh, no what I hated most about Napoleon Dynamite? Everyone was pretty good looking. They basically just put a bunch of goofy outfits on people and were like "Okay! Now pretend you are just a bunch of goofy weirdos!!" With Eagle vs. Shark, they are all actually very plain and gross, their homes are crummy and stale. Anyways, it pisses me off to see so many critic compare Eagle vs. Shark to Napoleon Dynamite on Rotten Tomatoes, because the two could not be more different. See it.

Happy Friday!!

Hey urrbods! I was going to write an essay for you, but I stumbled upon some pictures of fat animals and got sidetracked. I think I may have ADHD, except I am not hyper-active and I don't have the motivation to pay attention to anything. So, basically I am a lazy ass. Do they have drugs for that? Amphetamines? Sounds good, I'll take 200. I kid; I have never done amphetamines. I think maybe the closest I came was drinking a Neo-Citran before about 3 beers. I'm not going to lie - it was fun. For about 20 minutes. Then I barfed it all up and the lemony goodness burned up my damn esophogus. Please don't ask me why I was drinking Neo-Citran and beer; I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life, and I am pretty much legally retarded, so don't do what Donnie Don't does, k?

Moving on. Remember before I painted you a picture of The Mayor being a fucking dumbass and mentioned fat animals? That's right! Today let's take a look at some fat animals. We've all seen that fat orange cat and that massive shepherd, but do other animals get fat? You bet your fat ass they do! Let's take a look!

I want to believe this picture is photoshopped, because I have never seen a large pigeon in the city. I never feed those mangy rats, so how do they get fat? Are they eating the homeless? Hmm...think about it.

This fat squirrel looks like an overweight girl who couldn't get a date for the prom.

I thought ferrets were like little furry socks with eyes? This is more like a furry leg cast. How did this owner let its pet get so fat?!? Ferrets run 24/7 - they would have had to pin that sucker down or broken its legs or something. Or fed it cheeseburgers. I had a neighbor growing up who fed her dog what she ate. So, if she went to McDonalds she would get two cheeseburgers and two medium fries. I think the dog died of a heart attack. Kidding! It was dog cancer.

...the fuck? Not only did this woman pull an animal out of its natural environment and bring it into the people world, but she then abused the hell out of it so that if, by some strange stroke of luck, the raccoon gets out into the woods, he will be totally screwed. This raccoon couldn't defend himself against his reflection in a pond. Oh shit, imagine if the raccoon fell into your pool? Ahahaha!! What a little struggly baby!!
PS - that woman totally works at Wal-Mart.

Oooh, I want this one. What a cutie! Although sometimes it's the cute ones who are the biggest pain in the ass. This little guy probably breathes so loud and obnoxiously. Also I can imagine he would keep you up all night trying to climb up on his running wheel. All night it would be like "creeeak....crreeaakkk..." everytime he would grab the side and then fall off. You'd spend the whole night screaming 'fuck off, fatass! The wheel will give you a heart attack! Knock it off!"
Also, I know you were probably waiting for some kind of Richard Gere joke, but honestly? The man made Runaway Bride and Shall We Dance? It would just be too easy.

I really couldn't post fat animals without posting a fat cat. A girl I knew had a fat-ass cat when I was a kid. I swear to god, the cat walked on five legs; it shifted its weight from the right legs to the left to the gut. It would lay down and all its legs would be floating above the floor.

...and here's your fat poochie. This dog's eyes say "I would be happiest if someone gave me the Old Yeller treatment". God, I know. I am going to hell. Do you think that dog would float or sink? I always wonder that about fat people. Like, don't they look like you could just pick them up as if they were made out of marshmallow? Or if you poke them, they will pop like a balloon? Oh fat people; how we trivialize your situation. Just kidding! But seriously, put down the McDonalds, tubbos.