Mayor Math

Earn extra credit by solving the following equation to discover what band I am seeing on Sunday night. No cheating, and show all your work. Bonus points if you write me a compliment in the blank page at the back (I actually had a teacher who gave up to 5 bonus marks if you left him a compliment. Thanks for not failing my stupid ass, Mr. McMaster!!)

Divide Y (G+G) by colour


Plus some blatant ripping off of X


And a little more than just being influenced by the square root of Z


Equals...

Gwen's batshit crazyness makes Intervention's Allison look like a person with their shit together.

Unless you have been living under a rock or living in Iraq, you know that Gwen Stefani is a dillusional bitch. It doesn't mean she's not a musical genius or a gifted fashion designer, but you can tell she truly believes the sun shines out of her ass. (My father's expression. I really think it's terrific). Anyways, about 2 years ago she released her first fragrance which, unlike Britney Spears' Curious, doesn't smell like cat pee. Good for you Gwen; celebrity perfumes are just so hard to find these days. But honestly, it smells really great and comes in a gorgeous bottle. Do I own it? No I don't, but that's because I wear Elizabeth Taylor Black Pearls (GHETTO!)

So I was super excited when I heard she was coming out with another perfume named after her less-expensive-than-L.A.M.B-line, Harajuku Lovers. But lo and behold she couldn't release just one. No no, she went ahead and gave each one of her Japanese slaves a perfume. Guess what, Gwen, they want to be paid in dollars, not via their likeness on a perfume bottle. Anyways, I went to Urban Outfitters and smelled them all. The verdict? EPIC FAIL x 1000. Instead of making 1 really good perfume, we have 5 sub-sub-par "fragrances". I use the term loosely as anything can be a fragrance, really. Cat Hairballs mixed with 7-11 Taquitos, for example, or Rotten Thai Food in a Diaper.

Since Smell-O-Vision has yet to be created (sweet christ, when will we get smell-o-vision?!!?) I will explain what each one smells like. I should really apply for a job at Consumer Reports.G
Notes of conceitedness, shark jumping, and aging woman who refuses to acknowledge that she is almost 40 years old.
Love
Base fragrance of vanilla, blue jeans, America, Tom Cruise.
Wait...so basically, this:

Lil' Angel
"Oh, I come to New York City for full hip hop experience. I am B-Girl San and I, uh, do the blakedance 'tiruh blake of dawnuh." (I seriously tried so hard to find that page on Vice and I guess they took it down. But for real, I went through every Do and Don't. It took me 30 minutes. But if you own the Vice Guide to Dos and Don'ts, it's on Page 43. This looks exactly like her, eh?)
Music
Subtle accents of tempura, jasmine, a weird obsession with Louis Vuitton, the ability to not make fun of idiot white kids when they come into your sushi restaurant.
Baby
Lingering tones of weird poo fetishes and flashing the peace sign in every single picture. Wispy finish of flat-ironed Asian Mullet.

Allison from A&E Intervention; the best addict ever?

I really need to preface this post with a bit of a warning. Obviously, I am going to rip into an addict from A&E's hit show Intervention, but that doesn't mean I don't have sympathy for those with addiction problems. I myself live with mental illness, and guess what? I'm not a whiny baby about it. You know how people argue that the more you say the N word or the C word, it starts to take all of its power away? I feel the same way about mental illness. The more you talk about it and joke about it and realize that everyone from Appalachia to LA knows someone with mental illness (or has it themselves) then it takes away all the stigma. I can't claim this as an original idea; this is all coming courtesy of my hero Sarah Silverman. So what point am I making? Oh yeah - when you start reading about me making fun of a girl who is addicted to huffing computer duster, don't turn it around on me and call me an insensitive jerk who lives in an ivory tower (or however haters will spin it). Okay? Okay. On to Huff the Magic Dragon!

So that you know what I am talking about, please watch Part 1 of the 5-part episode. In it, we are introduced to a girl named Allison who is a pre-med student and a great personality. A few interviewees are her mother, her half-sister, and her younger sister (whom she is quite close with). And obviously, Allison has a television-worthy problem; you know those aerosol cans of computer duster that clean all the chip crumbs and hair out of your keyboard? Yep, she huffs them! It's like whippits, except more sad (is that even possible?!?!)

It's really sad...but also (god damn, I do feel bad about saying this) funny? Like, the girl is addicted to computer duster! Of all the weird shit to get addicted to, computer duster?!? I can't say I have ever tried it (don't knock it till you try it, I know I know) but honestly, how do you get addicted to something like that? It's pretty bizarre. No more bizarre than the weird shit Allison says when she's high. There are a few typical ones like "I feel like I could take on the world" or "we're going on a drug run - hooray!" but the best, by far, is when Allison describes being high as feeling like she's walking on sunshine. Which of course leads us to this next video. Please enjoy this fantastic clip (this is definitely the forerunner for my Best Of 2008 series).

I know! Its so wrong, yet so right! Christ himself couldn't have made a better parody video! This next one might be a little bit cryptic, but I think that the joke is subtle and charming.

And then we have this woman's Pug doing an impression of Allison (naturally).

Is Allison the best Intervention subject to date? Have any of you ever done Whippits or huffed Computer Duster? Can we only imagine what Allison is huffing now? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

I think I have my Hallowe'en costume.

The Mayor will draw shit for you.

Remember way back when I was giving away tampons and drawer-ings? Yeah, all the way to 2 weeks ago (for those of you who don't stare into the microwave when it is cooking, you should be able to do this easily). Anyways, I have decided to offer this drawing give-a-way as a regular thing. That's right - you send me your address, I send you a gorgeous, quality piece of art. Just like this exquisite illustration of a Something Terrible for the Environment (obviously I translated that to a Commie-Nazi and Jesus)This reader asked for Something Cool, so I drew Tyra Banks' ginormous forehead.Or this picture of a reader's very obese cat.It's totally free and I swear I won't give your address to squatters so they can crash at your pad and turn it into a piss-stained flophouse.

Send your idea and your mailing address to skipraid@gmail.com and before you know it, you could have a 3x5 picture of Christ punching a fish.

ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 4

Well, this week we dropped quite a bit of dead weight. Hannah the Grand Wizard was sent packing back to Alaska / Sarah Palin-ville, and I for one could not be happier; her schtick was wearing a little thin. All in all, this episode was such a time filler for me - am I wrong here?? It was terrible! I felt like Tyra pulled this week's episode out of her fat ass and slapped it on a catwalk. So let's get through this, nice and fast (like the bowel movement I need to take. Give me a break, I had a shady Caesar at dinner. You know when the Clamato tastes off? Yeah. No good for your lower intestine).

This week's Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment is definitely when Tyra talked about her vacation with her friend and how all they do is take modelly pictures. Christ, Tyra, how old are you? 13? Get a life!

This week's MWIATFU is...
Clark
"I'm thinking I'm lying on a bed. With you Nigel. And I'm doing you from behind, prison style. Don't drop the soap, baby."

And who's out the door?
Isis aka Iz-iz
HELL TO THE NO, BOBBY B!!! I picked Isis in the office pool! Fuck! I'm out $10! FUCK YOU TYRA!!! Not since Cycle 10s Marvita have I been so angry that such an exquisite ghetto hood rat is going home. Ugh, I need some Taco Bell to calm me down.

...and the rest.

Elina
She looks like she's being felt-up by my hair, circa 1998. My love affair with Elina has come to an end; she bores me (I sound like a spoiled 1700s aristocrat).

Anal-y
Her shot was so Rachael from Blade Runner. She is my prediction for elimination next week. Better pack up your skating costumes now, Anal-y! (God, don't listen to me. I predicted that Isis was gonna win this, and now I'm out $10)

Joslyn
Who doesn't know how to swim?

Lauren Brie
For being a complete tard, her shots are good. I just can't get behind the Poor Man's Caridee.

Marjorie
Ugh, WHEN WILL YOU GET SENT HOME? Marjorie is the worst!

McKey
Blarg. Just blarg.

Samantha
I want Samantha's hair on my wedding day. I also want Samantha to take her Brooke Hogan-ass back to Laguna.

Sheena
For being a total hood rat, there is a class and sophistication about Sheena. I could see her dating Ice T.

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...
The strays get into a dogfight with Marjorie about her awkwardness, and I don't blame them. If Cycle 9s Heather has Aspergers, then Marjorie defs has Assbugers.

Did I miss anything? Leave it in the comments! I want to hear from you - was I the only one who slept through this episode?

Notes on Apartment Hunting

Right now I am living a terrible dilemma; I love my apartment, but I have to move out. A year ago, my boyfriend and I decided to do what heteros do and co-habit. We found a fantastic apartment in an old low-rise with air conditioning and a window in the bathroom and two former Crystal Methodists for landlords. Cut to 4 weeks ago when shit went pear shaped and I started eating tuna on the couch pantsless and spending all my time packing DVDs into Always maxipad boxes from the Pharmacy. I don’t want to get into the sadsack Feist-lyrics-details, so I’ll just paraphrase by saying that I am no longer part of a pair.

So yeah, I am now searching for a new apartment. I would love to stay in my current place, but Sweet Christ, I cannot afford the rent on my own. Neither can he, so we are both packing up our things and hauling ass to Hullabalooza. I have been searching my ass off for a new place, but I am having a hard time. Believe it or not, but I am fairly picky. I don’t want to live with cats. I don’t want to live in a basement. I don’t want to live next to people who cook curry for breakfast. But the biggest hurdle isn’t finding a good apartment; it’s finding decent roommate (people – I live in the city. I cannot afford to live in my own).

My first experience with house hunting was when I was 10 and my parents decided to move. My favourite house was a split-level piece of crap with a massive turd floating in the toilet. I would continue to mention that turd for years after; it really had an effect on me. I really never thought I would find a place worse than Turd House; then again, you never think you’re going to have to move out of the home you share with your beloved, but here we are.

I have seen a few places so far, and here is how they have shaped up so far (if these experiences have taught me anything, it’s that people will lie like OJ in a Craigslist ad).

Apartment 1
The ad said 2 bedroom to share with a small business owner. When I arrived I found a woman with an 8-month-old baby. Um, that’s the sort of thing you put in the ad.
- Area is currently involved in turf wars and apartment is often caught in drive-by crossfire.
- Apartment is rented out to Japanese Businessmen on weekends for ‘Requiem For A Dream’ parties.
- There is a baby in the house.
The worst was how she was justifying it. She goes “I knew if I mentioned her in the ad that no one would come!” Yeah, no shit, you fucking flake! She also described her baby as never going to the bathroom and never crying. This is not a cat, madam, this is a child. And I will not be your live-in babysitter, capeish?
Obviously I wasn’t planning on living there with a fucking baby, so I went through the motions of looking through the house. I pointed at a door and was like “is that a closet?” and she goes “oh no, that guy is another roommate! I just don’t know what his deal is – he could be staying or leaving! I just have no idea! Ha ha ha!” Oh Jesus, what? Also the bathroom was on the other side of the apartment – like I would have to walk through the kitchen and living room to get to my bedroom after a shower.
Thanks but no thanks.

Apartment 2
The rent seemed cheap and was in a pretty decent neighborhood, and when I arrived I had high hopes – it was literally right beside the apartment two friends of mine used to live in. Their apartment was terrific, so I thought “this might be the one!”
Well, their apartment never smelled like week-old Chinese food and had clumps of hair roaming the floors like tumbleweeds. The apartment owner was like “could you take your shoes off?” Ugh, I HATE it when people with dirty apartments ask you that. It’s like, really, how much more dirt am I going to add to your place? Like my shoes will take your place from filthy to Chernobyl aftermath. So yeah, my shoes stayed on. Fuck him, he doesn’t own my feet. Anyways, again – went through the motions, and guess what I found in my room? A loft bed. A loft bed for someone who is 5’5. I am 6 feet tall. The guy was like “you can try it out if you want”. Um, no. I was like “are you looking at how tall I am? This isn’t a Marx Brothers movie – I won’t be crawling into that.” Then he was like “so, we sort of need to know right now if you want it…so…?”
Sorry friend, the answer is no.

Apartment 3
I don’t own a cellphone and wasn’t wearing my watch, but I knew from the last place that I needed to get to Apartment 3 asap. I hauled ass down the street to make it to my next appointment, and met the apartment owner at the door after about 10 knocks and 8 doorbell rings. Whenever I talk about his voice, please imagine a grown-ass man with a whispery baby voice.
“Oh my goodness, you are so early! You are so so early!”
What? “Oh, what is it? 5:45?”
“Yes, you are sooooooo early!!”
Uh, my appointment was for 6pm. That’s really not that early. 15 minutes. So he was like “I just can’t show you around right now – I am so busy! I guess you could wait in the kitchen with me.”
So I follow him into the kitchen and he sits down and starts eating a grapefruit. A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT!!!
I had to stand there while he ate a grapefruit. It was so awkward. I wasn’t sure what to do. He just kept being like “oooh, this is just delicious! Mmm, I looooove grapefruits!” So I did what any good guest would do. I said “yeah…so you are going to show me the apartment now, please.”
The room was sizeable and the bathroom quite clean. The space itself was decent and the street was cute. But you could not pay me to live in a house with a grown man who wuvs gwapefwoot.

So I have many more apartments to look at – I’ll keep you posted. Hopefully more stories, but truthfully? I hope I find a good place. Pray for mojo. Have any good apartment hunting stories of your own? Leave them in the comments section!

WEIRDWEIRDWEIRD!!

Oooh, this gives me the effing creeps!! I dare you to watch the following video and not feel like you are being molested. Josh Groban gives me the serious heebs; You Raise Me Up makes my crotch bleed. Literally. That shitshow of a song induces my period. My uterus hears Josh Groban's voice and thinks that he is near me and rejects the idea that it could build a home to house his spawn. But this mash-up of television themes from last night's Emmy awards really takes the cake (a cake made of pickle juice and band-aids). Can someone else watch this clip and tell me if it makes you feel really high too? I mean, I live downhill from a glue factory and being stoned is a daily thing, but pineapples rainbow stapler, right? Oh fuck, I'm high again - really need to start closing the windows and using the air conditioner (freon = DELICIOUS!)

Link Larkin

Good morning friends! This morning is especially lazy for me, and I know that linking to another website for all your Skip-Raidy goodness is teh epitome of sloth-like behaviour, but I obviously don't care. So please click here to read an article that I wanted to write, but Cracked.com beat me to it. They stole from me in my sleeps, theys did! (I sound like Gollum. Fat Hobbitses!)

Anyways, it's a great article, so enjoy.

Ask The Mayor Contest Results!

Hey turds and tampons! I honestly cannot belive the great questions I received. (oooh, poetry!) You guys outdid yourselves in thinking up funny, interesting questions to ask yours truly. Got a lot, picked a few. So let's go over a few of my favourites before I reveal the winner, and tell me if I made the right choice.

Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot even He could not eat it? - You Wish?
If we are talking about the guy who works in the shipping department where I work, Jésus, then no - I have seen him make this mistake a hundred times. He microwaves it too hot and then burns his mouth. I try to tell him that the microwave oven heats things much more thoroughly than a traditional convection oven, but he refuses to listen. Refuses, or doesn't speak English, I'm not sure which.

Would you rather guest star on Reba or eat chocolate brownies out of Lindsay Lohan's fire-crotch? - R
I am assuming you are a newer reader of The Skip-Raid, as a seasoned vet would no doubt realize my love of all things crap. Which means, yes, I would absolutely guest star on Reba. Additionally, since it was cancelled in 2007, I would have to board some kind of time machine or enter into a wormhole in order to guest star. Given the fact that 2007 was what I like to call The Year I Put 30 Grand Up My Nose, I have a few disclaimers for my past-self. Nothing much, just a couple of head-ups.

Why is it that I can find the following websites (here and here) entertaining in the same shame-filled way, when to the casual observer, my love of one would preclude the other. Browse them both and the contradictory connection should be obvious. Moreover, is this indicative of any serious psycho-sexual issues? - David
There is nothing wrong with liking both sites. I am hoping that when Sugarbush the Squirel dies (which will be soon - squirels don't live forever, like old people) her owner has Sugarbush taxidermied to the 9s.

And the winner is...

(in response to a recent post on The Jonas Brothers)
Does anyone remember The Moffatts? Because I do. Which one would you do, date or dump? - Caitlin

Oh my god, do I remember The Moffatts?!? Of course! They only wrote some of the 90's best ballads and pop songs, and they are all drop dead gorgeous. They look nothing like the meth-heads I went to Highschool with and they definately didn't have redneck names like Scott, Clin, Bob, and Dave. Oh wait, they did? Nevermind. But please, take a look at this performance of their first #1 hit, The Caterpillar Crawl (I think it went double-platinum)

But to answer your question...
I would Do...all 4 (obviously, but not all at the same time. Their extreme hotness and talent might cause some kind of Chernobyl-like explosion)
I would Date...the roadie that appears in the above video around 1:02
I would Dump...on the keyboardist's chest (I think that's Dave)

Aparently, they still play angelly music. Bob and Clint have a band called Same Same (you NEED to check out their shitty website!!) Scott has a retarded website to promote how much of a tool he is, and Dave is now a Homer Sexual (you can see pictures of him here), but be warned - some are a little NSFW / NSFMFWCGPTFTTHGU (not safe for Moffatt fans who can't get past the fact that they have grown up).

So congrats, Caitlin! Your question was the most interesting, or at least the best option for working a chest-dumping joke into the answer. Your prize will be coming to you in the mail!

ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 3

Well well well, this week on ANTM we were treated to the episodic equivalent to a rich kid's Super Sweet 16...MAKEOVERS!!1! Traditionally makeovers bring out every model's inner brat, but this Cycle was a bit of an exception. The worst we got were silent tears.

Silent tears, you ask? That's it, you say?

I know! Nobody bitched out Miss J, no weaves were torn out, no screaming or blubbering, clutching to the last remaining clumps of hair on their head. Silent tears. Pfft, that's nothing; I cry silent tears every time I look in the mirror or do my taxes (Marital Status: still single, IRS, still single). I really had larger expectations for this week's episode, and I was let down. I think the best way to describe this week's makeovers (hell, this Cycle in general) is flaccid. (That's what she said).

Okay, moving on. Can I just say that I am SO OVER the stupid skits they do? It's like being forced to sit and watch a shitty infomercial (rather than an awesome one like The Magic Bullet or something starring Billy Mays). HOWEVER...there were two parts I laughed out loud at. I guess you could say these were this week's Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment

1. When Jay came out (Prince Couture? He meant to say Prince Sears, right?) and was like "Tyra can only be woken by her true love!" Bring out the wigs, mirrors, and Spanx!
2. When Jay picked up Tyra in his arms. Holy crap, did you see his arms buckling under the weight of that booty?!?! That poor man! He is going to need a lifetime of Physiotherapy to fix the pulled muscles in his upper body. I can only image the crew on set screaming at him FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS!!!

This week's MWIATFU is...Elina
Where do we even start with this mess? First, we have her shiteous weave. Her hair looks like Carrot Top's caca. Second, that Josie Grosie weave turned her from Angelina Jolie to Julia Stiles. DOWNGRADE! Thirdly, we have her announcing to the world that she hates her mother. No wonder she is such a bitch; girl has major issues. That shot was okay, but honestly? What was this photo shoot even trying to prove? I was so done with this whole episode. I want my $12 back (don't ask me why. I just want money).

And who's out the door?
BrittanyOh my god, Cha Cha Diva x2! Her makeover made her look a lot like Halle Berry, but as we all know - there is only one Halle. She doesn't have to worry - she will get work so fast after this (you can see her in next month's issue of The Source! I dunno, probably).

...and the rest.

Anal-y
My waxer made a great comment about Anal-y. She's "Camp Councilor Pretty". Speaking of camp, can someone make my ass a gymp bracelet? And I don't care that it's wrong to call it gymp; it's gymp, goddamnit! Not plastic rope or rubber string or boondoggle. I want gymp (box gymp please!!)

Clark
When they were getting their makeovers, you could totally read Clark's thoughts: please shave down my adam's apple please shave down my adam's apple. Additionally, am I the only one who thinks that Clark kind of looks like Jessica Simpson's long-lost sister? Papa Joe's like "she can't be; I don't find her attractive enough to masturbate to." Hey-O! I'm here all week.

Hannah
Ricky Racist got the Jan Hooks. Ugh, and just before I was planning to get it. Looks like it's back to Plan B (the Electric Youth / Debbie Gibson)

Isis aka Iz-iz
K bitch, I hate to be harsh, but you need to throw out those earrings. Now, can I be rude for a moment? (stop giggling) When it comes to Isis' badong-a-dong, I've got 6 words:
Slam it in a car door.
Problem solved, right? I just saved you a trip to Bangkok.

Joslyn
Not much to say - she was pretty much a background performer this week. Y'all know I love Lil' Tyra.

Lauren Brie
My friends went to a restaurant who served deep fried brie. I would give my ass (which is stunning, really) for a deep fryer and a wheel of double cream. Ooh, my heart just tightened a bit when I typed that.

Marjorie
Oh dear, she is just tragic. She is such a case of not the picture. Guys would be like "oh shit, she's pretty hot" (I dunno, is that how guys talk?) and then they would meet her and fake a stroke just to escape (guys do that, right? I mean, I know they are faking it - you don't have to be a genius to realize a pattern when every guy you date has a stroke. Wait, did I mention I date 90-year-olds? I maybe should have brought that up earlier).

McKeyAnyone who watches W Network's Divine Design will be able to agree with me that McKey is basically Candace Olson. For those who don't? You really need to start watching shitty Canadian design shows.

Samantha
Ugh, she needs more than 8 inches cut off; homegirl needs to be shipped off to The Swan.

Sheena
Kimora definitely called up Tyra and was like THERE IS ONLY ONE KIMORA!! DO WHAT YOU MUST. Of course Kimora meant to have Sheena killed, but Tyra was so busy looking at herself in the mirror that she completely forgot anyone was even calling her. Tyra looked at Sheena the next day and was like "there was something I needed to do to Sheena today...but what was it?" so Tyra decided to make her hair look like dookie and call it a day. Being Tyra is a tough job. (so is being the steel reinforcement beams in the ANTM judging room catwalk) Hey-o! I'm on fire tonight!

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...
All the hos learn to walk (like dogs on their hind legs, they is) and there is a shitty runway show. Honestly! Where is the production budget going on this show?? (That's what she said)

Unfunny joke that is sort of funny (like an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a vest)

How is it that That's What She Said is on par with Borat jokes and quoting Old School (You're my boy, Blue!!) and yet...I haven't gotten sick of it. How is that? Honestly, TWSS works all the time. I had to sit through an incredibly boring meeting and the only thing that saved it was saying TWSS after ever single sentance whether it made sense or not. I think it's actually funnier when it doesn't make sense.

"This is harder than I thought" (That's what she said) = somewhat funny

"I love KFC but it gives me diarrhea" (That's what she said) = hilarious

It's actually funnier when you say it under your breath really fast like Thedswasheesad. I wish you a Happy Wednesday! (...do it!)

Toonces Tuesday!

Typically, Tuesday have been a very slow day for us here at The Skip-Raid, and today is no exception. Last night I went out for Chinese Food with a few friends, and I won't lie - my stomach can barely handle chicken-fried rice. At one point in time I took a bite of sweet and sour pork and had to spit it into my napkin. At the table. And then I had to hide the napkin at my feet so no one would notice. Anyways, I am paying for it today. Ugh, a solid BM seems so far away. I would give anything for an Immodium drip right now. Anyways, what am I getting at again? Ah yes, I was talking about Tuesdays!

Every Tuesday from here on out (well, for a month I guess) I will be featuring Toonces, the Cat who could drive a car. Toonces was an amazing cat from SNL who knew how to drive a car. Sadly, every sketch usually ended with Toonces getting distracted driving off a cliff. Anyways, enjoy the above clip. Bask in Toonces badass-ness as he drag races to his death.

Wow, I have just given up, haven't I? Give me a break - I spent all weekend drawing pictures for everyone who asked for o.b. tampons. I never want to look at another tampon again (eww, that's an image you don't need).

My Newest Obsession: Brandon Jenner

Who would have thought that my post on Brody Jenner last week would be the thing to divide us all? My god, you guys have some very specific feelings on the hotness/douchness that is the Prince of Malibu. But out of all your emails and comments, the best came from my sister, who sent me a picture of Brody's older brother Brandon. There is only one word to describe Brandon:
FIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
Nothing matches the exquisite class and beauty of this 27-year-old Malibu no-shirt enthusiast. I would be lying if I said I haven't been Googling him all afternoon (give me a break - it's rainy outside and I haven't showered. What else would I be doing?)
Here is what we know about him so far:
- His birthday is June 4th (he's a Gemini!)
- He is the older brother of mega-hottie/major asshat Brody Jenner
- He's in a band called Big Dume (don't bother clicking that. I checked out their Myspace and they suck.
- He...uh...lives in Malibu?
Yeah, there's not much else out there. Maybe he is fiercely private, or maybe people just give less of a shit about him when Brody is around. All I know is Brandon Jenner is my newest obsession.

Again, please tell me: would you hit it?

Stop...Boner Time?

I need to come right out and say this: I do not, nor have I ever, had an attraction to douchebags. I never wanted to date a football player in High School and I am not impressed by nice cars or joo-rey. However, my life has gone a little pear-shaped as of late, and I find that I am very confused about a few things. I often find myself thinking maybe being unemployed is a dealbreaker, but what about probation? I think I should start dating guys who haven't ever been on dateline NBC.
So when a reader sent me this picture of Brody Jenner being his usual douchebag self and the following conversation transpired, I was shocked to say the least:

You Wish: I don't know what struck me more, the Chuck Norris wannabe stance, the "blue steel" look, the hearts & skulls or the ultra low rise butt cheek look? Laughed my ass off.
The Mayor: I won't lie - brody jenner is a tool shed, but I would totally hit that.

Did you just read that?!?! I am not lying! I would totally hit that! What is happening to me?!?! First I find a cut-out of Brody Jenner hot, next thing you know I will be listening to Nickleback and attending Auto Shows and going for dinner at The Outback.

So I guess my question is...is Brody Jenner hot?

ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 2

Allow me to start by saying that the following was written by a girl sitting on a couch (sans pants - note to potential guests; don't sit on my couch) with toothpaste on her face (it does a very sufficient job on zits) eating tuna out of a can (with a fork...come on, I haven't lost all my dignity). So when you question with what ability I have to judge the ANTM models, the answer is absolutely none.

Shall we do this? If I mention anything else about my current situation, I will be the recipient of several Cheer Up, Emo Kid Muffin Baskets. I like to call this week's episode ANTM Race Wars. All 3 black girls and Sheena got together and had an ARA Powow (which Hannah called gang violence. Um, what? Just cause they are all black they are a gang? Is that what you meant, Hannah? Did you see them take a break from their dice game to organize a hate crime against you?) Hannah responded by crying and acting all small-town podunk down-home hillbilly. Gee whiz Pa, I just ain't not know any betters!!

Then they did a photo shoot on a ladder. Big frig, I know. This week's photo shoot hair-pieces courtesy of The Britney Spears Broke-Ass Weave Collection.

The Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment
(in response to Miss J's necklace)
"Every week that number will get smaller and smaller!"
And Tyra's getting laaaaaarger...(to borrow a quote from Airplane)

This week's MWIATFU (Model Who isn't a Total Fuck-up) is...
Lauren Brie
Everytime I hear Lauren's name, I think about cheese and I think about when you wrap a wheel of brie in Pillsbury dough and bake it in the oven and you stick a fork in it and eat the whole thing. Oh man, I could go for that right now. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. We heard more of LB this week; too bad she is boring as hell. Good shot don't give you a personality, homeslice! This is her moment in the sun. She got lucky, and I think this is as good as she is going to get.

Nikeysha
Ugh, homegirl is not a good model! She is super annoying and very unprofessional. I really hope she takes Miss J's advice and walks her ass on down to In and Out and get one of those 30-patty burgers off the secret menu. She needs to gain a few...uh...70lbs.

... and the rest.

Anal-y
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like her this week! How sweet was that when Anal-y agreed to distract Isis when she was giving herself a needle and she wasn't being a bitch.

Brittany R
Jay doesn't like her, but I think she is the prettier version of Jaslene. I like her and I hope she sticks around for a bit. That shot was hids, though. Don't get me wrong. Bitch fucked up.

Clark
This week we were treated to a vomit-inducing kiss between Clark and Elina/Angelina. Clark seriously gives me Dominique-Deja Vu and there is nothing even remotely attractive about her. I think that Clark and Dominique may be the same person; until I see them in the same room together, I will believe they are the same annoying man. Also, I think I found who is holding control of World's supply of bronzer.

Elina/Angelina
First off, I knew she was going to win that challenge. She seemed like the only one who took it seriously.

Hannah
"They are referring to me as The Racist. Wow, that's not very nice!" Uh, you know what's even more not-nice? BEING A FUCKING RACIST!! Hanna is a bitch and a baby and a racist, and probably a bedwetter. Someone check her bag for GoodNites. She was like "I'm your typical white person...I'm not loud like HAAAAAAY!" Um, what? Brittany was right; she's like "Just cause I'm black doesn't mean I'm loud all the time." Sheena didn't say anything, but her stink-eyes said HELL TO THE NO, BOBBY B!!!

Isis
When Miss J was like "You need a cheeseburger and some fried chicken and a watermelon chaser" and Isis was like you got my number. Isis, no! You are doing nothing to help the Hannah situation!

Joslyn
Oh my god, she brings it every week. She is like Tyra...oh shit! Tyra can't have any competition! Joslyn, watch out! Tyra's coming for your ass! I've seen this before - Jeff Gillooly gonna tire iron you legs!!

Marjorie
Meh.

McKey
She was such a snore-fest bore-fest this week. She also reminds me of Jennifer Garner.

Samantha
"I wonder if you fall if you get to go again?" Samantha, if you fall, you will break your neck. So no, you don't get a second try. Also, I finally realize what Samantha reminds me of; an extra from Laguna Beach. You know? Like when there would be a few random new people at a party and it would just be like Lauren's friend Samantha. Put a red plastic cup in her hand, and all of a sudden I hear Hilary Duff singing.

Sheena
"I don't see myself as hooch."
Um, nevermind your fake-ass boobs; you posed with the bag at your crotch and you held on to the ladder with your ass. Hooch knows hooch, and You. Is. Hooch.

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...
Weaves! Bleach! Tears! It's makeovers! I am so excited, it's like Christmas has come early!!

FREE TAMPON GIVE-A-WAY!!1!

UPDATE!!! The tampons are all gone! Sorry to those who missed out, but it goes without saying that you can probably get free tampons from your local mall's ladies room (bring a screwdriver).

People, if you know anything about me (and, thanks to the limited access option on Facebook, you know very little) you will know that I am a big-time sellout. And guess what? I don't give a crap. People sell out all the time, it's called Urban Outfitters. Deal with it.

Let's move on shall we? Waaay back in the summer I was asked by the good people at o.b. Tampons to spread the good news of o.b. Tampons. I am sort of like Tampon Jesus, I guess. Anyways, where does that leave all of us? Let me tell you kids, have I got a give-a-way for you. Do you like Tampons? Do you like o.b. Tampons? Do you like FREE SHIT!?!? Well I am giving away free trial packs of o.b. mighty.small Tampons. They literally are mighty and small; they are super-tiny and hold a Moses-parting-the-red-seas ammount of blood. What?!? We can't talk candidly about something that happens once a month? Jesus Christ, we talk about Santa all the time and the man shows up once a year. Anyways, not only do you get a trial pack in one of 4 colours (pink, teal, navy, black) you also get a HAND DRAWN PICTURE by yours truly (the question here isn't am I ripping off Joe Mathlete? It's more like how much am I ripping off Joe Mathlete. It's okay, we're friends. He's cool with it). And for all of you who received Christmas/Hannukah cards from The Mayor will know - a picture by me is something to be treasured for all eternity. And this give-a-way isn't just for girls...are you a guy? Do you want a picture too? Guess what - you can have one! You will just be getting a pack of Tampons too. Whatever you choose to do with them is your perogative. I don't give a shit - eat them, whip em at your cat, decorate your beard.

Anyways, sound like a good deal? The best part is, it's FREE. No cost to you, and your name won't be added to any lame mailing lists, o.b. won't be showing up at your house asking why you switched back to Tampax or something.

What I need you to send to skipraid@gmail.com:
- your address
- what you would like your picture to be about
- to sign your soul over to the corporate satans over at o.b. (jk)

Congratulations, Disaster Movie! You have been deemed the worst movie ever!!

That's right, kids! The people have spoken and they have rated Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer's latest shit-opus with the distinguished title of Worst Movie Ever. That means that people would rather give $12 to the creators of Who's Your Caddy, From Justin to Kelly, or Santa With Muscles. But how can I judge a movie I haven't seen (no matter how shitty)? That's right, I can't. But you know what I can do? Take a few jpegs from imdb.com and try to work out the plot of this shit show. Begin!Well, here we seem to have Batman, a black guy, a white guy, and a Giselle-like princess. It looks like they are talking about why Batman has lost his car (which would explain the rolling suitcase). I am sure it was under very humorous circumstances; maybe the Panda from Kung-Fu Panda fell on it, or Angelina Jolie adopted it. Whatever the reason, I'm sure it was destroyed by some kind of parody. Oh, that Jason Friedberg; such a comedian.Here's a guy who is opening some Indiana Jones-like crate while a high/stoned/crazy Alvin and the Chipmunks looks over his shoulder. I'm sure this scene was riveting. Now Nicole Parker as Giselle, our two friends, and the fattest Juno parody I have ever seen are standing around gabbing about god knows what (probably comparing who's agent has the most Lionel Hutz-like incompetence). I bet that Aaron Seltzer couldn't even secure a street permit for shooting. They probably had to film this in one take before the cops come and write them a summons for $100. Oh look! Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minilio (I don't even have the motivation to google her name to make sure it is spelled write) and they are pretending to be High School Musical cheerleaders. I really don't even know where to take this, but I bet I know where Jason Friedberg took this; he made it into a slut joke. Oh my god! Why hasn't this guy won a Pulitzer yet??!?And last (but not least) we have an Amy Winehouse parody. Oh my god, I didn't think they would go there, but they did! How did they think of something so un-obvious and hilarious!! It's not like bloggers make Amy Winehouse jokes every single day or anything. So here is Nicole Parker (again) playing out what should be limited to a 3-minute MAD-TV sketch and I am sure she covered all the bases.
(do this in a Camden accent)
Ello! Ey'm Amy Wine'ouse and eye rully love drinkin' alkeeehall an smoe-kin' crack! Look at me teefs! They is so crazy! Lookee me crazy 'aire and me crazy eye make'apps!!
Now times that by 90 minutes and you have Disaster Movie. You have a movie that made $3 million at the box office last weekend. You have a movie that will no doubt spawn a sequel or 9. These are some dark times we live in, kids.

Sorry, shitty short post today kids.

I know that you guys hate showing up for work Monday and finding a bogus YouTube video to occupy your time till tomorrow, but the truth is my allergies are really bad today. I thought it might make it better if I took 2 Aerius instead of 1, and now I am mad slurry and sleepy. The long and short of it is...no comedy gold today. Instead, please help yourself to a viewing of my cute dog.
See you cats tomorrow! Oh, and Pray For Mojo.

ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 1

Alpha J / Beta J? The Glaminator 11.0?!? Who wrote this week's episode, Flight of the Conchords? Regardless, this week introduced us to Cycle 11's HBICs. No, not Head Bitches in Charge. I'm talking about Hicks, Bitches, Idiots, and Cock-hiders. Of course, the first episode is for Tyra to warm up her idiot self; slowly building to an explosive 60-minute Tyra Self-Loving Conceited-fest. For Cycle 11, I will be introducing a few weekly features, the first of which being...

The Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment
There were many moments this week that made me say You Cannot be Serious, Tyra out loud, the best being Tyra's quote on cellulite. "Oh, I know cellulite. Cellulite is a close personal friend of mine". Yeah, Tyra has a revolving door of BFFs: Cellulite, Mirrors, Spanx, and Wigs.

This week's MWIATFU (Model Who isn't a Total Fuck-up) is...

Marjorie
She is a mix of Jael and Claire from Cycle 10, non? Also, why did she introduce herself in French? Lame. Her shot was good, but really, how can you mess up a sexy voting shoot?

Sharaun
Erp. I spoke too soon. Sharaun is how you mess up a sexy voting shoot. But I say good riddance to bad rubbish...I can't believe she said America's Next Top Model isn't going to be a Drag Queen!! Hell-to-the-No, Bobby B! I told you she was a bitch!! I called it, didn't I? Bitch can smell bitch.
Reminds me of...Heath Ledger doing the Joker's creepy smile. WHY SO SERIOUS

...And The Rest

Anal-y
Ugh, you can tell she is a major c-word. She is one of those girls who acts super kind and nice, but in reality treats girls like shit and robs men blind. You know what she has? Sociopath face.

Brittany R
Reminds me of...(Jaslene)+(Cha Cha Diva - 40lbs)

Clark
Oh my god, Dominique 2.0. Can we check this chick for a dick, please? Not only is she a catty bitch, but she has the most mannish face I have ever seen. No wonder she hates Isis; the testosterone in the Alpha male rises when it can smell another Alpha male.

Elina
Oh fuck, what a turd sandwich. Talk about people you would not want to get stuck sitting on the bus with. I only wear black, I refuse to be gender-specific. I am a vegan and an animal liberationist. I love talking out of my ass and being a hypocrite.
Reminds me of...if Angelina Jolie and Janeane Garofalo had a child.

Hannah
Reminds me of...Nicole Parker doing a Mad-TV character.

Isis
Tucker! Now that we have an immature tranny joke out of the way, I would like to paraphrase what Sheena said; homegirl is fucking brave. Also, hello! She was in the homeless shoot from Cycle 10 and she was INTENSE! Do you not remember her?!? I remember watching that episode and thinking "move over Stacy-Ann! One of the extras is out-shining your boring ass!"
Reminds me of...a black Amy Winehouse

Joslyn
I like Joslyn! How cute was she with Miss J in the interviews?!? If you want to make friends with any one of the judges, Miss J is it; you know he owns Tyra. Also, if it's true that she has auditioned 23 times, then she is going to have one hell of a meltdown when she is eliminated.

Lauren Brie
Ugh, she's like needing a nap after waking up from a nap. Blah.

McKey
I hated her at first and then I realized why I like her look; when she gets her hair wet/pulls it back she looks like an illustration on the cover of a Judy Blume novel.
Reminds me of...well, her name reminds me of MacGruber. MacGruber! Making lifesaving inventions out of household materials. MacGruber! He’s working with his son now and they’ve never been closer. MacGruber! It’s like they were never estranged MACGRUBER!!!

Nikeysha
"Take me aboard the mothership with these hot aliens!!"

Samantha
Someone call Old Navy; I found their missing swing-shift manager! Homegirl couldn't name 5 models? Jesus, all she needed to do was go Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra and she would have charmed the pants off Robo-Tyra.

Sheena
OMG, Sheena/Kimora is fucking retarded - they should have skipped the Glaminator and gone straight for an MRI. Bitch needs a Catscan. Her shot? SO PORNO!! And when Miss J was like "she has the beauty of a Japanese Geisha and the class of a Korean Princess" and I was like "and...the obnoxiousness of a Brooklyn Hoodrat".

Soowee! Soowee! The pigs are back in the barnyard!

That's right, skids, ANTM is back for Cycle 11. I never thought I would say that. Jesus, 10x12...that's a lot of out-of-work models. Moving on. I thought it would only be fair to give you sneak peek at the girls who will be flooding JC Penney's job application box in about 2 months (how long is a Cycle? 8 weeks? Yeah, that sounds about right).
But it's not over just yet; come back on Thursday morning and I will give an update on each girl.
Click on each image to make big.
Analeigh
Okay, there are so many things bothering me about Analeigh.
1) I hate (HATE) when people add eigh to their names. Ashley turns into Ashleigh. Kaley turns into Kaleigh. Carly turns into Carleigh. Please, new moms, stop. Just stop it before we hit the glass ceiling of obnoxiousness through Anneigh or Debbeigh.
2) What is with the peace sign? While we're rooting through my jewerly box from the early 90s, why don't we grab a pacifier necklace or earrings made out of mini troll dolls?
3) Does she have a Paris Hilton ass-goiter?
Brittany
Brittany looks so boring and I can't imagine that a make-over would make her any more interesting. She will be gone in the 2nd week.
Clark
From here on out, homegirl is known as Lois & Clark. Moreover, you had to have heard the rumor that one of the models in Cycle 11 is a tranny, right? I know this is gonna surprise you, but this isn't the tranny.
Elina
Oooh, she's such a badass. Look at that Angelina Jolie tum-tum tattoo! This look is the result of listening to Evanescence and taking it seriously.
Hannah
Those are some fugly fucking shoes.
Isis
Remember when I mentioned about the tranny? Here she is, and oh lordy, she is prettier than me. That's sad, eh? When a chick with a dick is prettier than you. Ugh, I'm gonna go drown my sorrows in a bag of Cool Ranch.
Joslyn
Are we sure these aren't pictures from the new season of What Not To Wear? Numero uno, cut that fugly fringe off that stupid jeanskirt. Numero dos, stop wearing super tight belts under your boobs!! It is supposed to be at your waist, not hiked up under your tits. Numero uh...what's 3 in Spanish? Who cares - stop buying your clothes from the sale rack at Forever 21; they look so cheap and the colours look like they have been selected from the palette in MS Paint.
Lauren Brie
I love this girl's face, but it won't get her very far; she looks too Sears model.
Marjorie
Ugh, has she aped the hell out of Agyness Deyn or what? Both have kooky 1930s names, short white-blonde hair, Williamsburg punk style. Guess what? I liked it better when it was called Jael. Hey-o!
McKey
Ooh! There's a face only a blind mother could love. I was also considering using the joke she has a face for radio, but that depends on the radio. Are we talking about Sirius radio? Because that would definitely pick up the fug.
Nikeysha
Woof! While we are letting trannies compete, can we check this one for a penis?? This is like Saleisha's brother in a push-up bra. Also, I am going to go here (don't act like you're not thinking it!) but what is the deal with her name? Was her mom like "Lordy, I luuuv these Nikes! I love them so much, I'ma name my baby after them. Oooh, chile, write this down on the birth certifimicate...Nikeysha Enyce. Oooh, hole-up! Nikesha Styletta. My baby gonna have style!!"
Samantha
"Welcome to Hollister, everybody looks better in jeans."
Sharaun
They are gonna paint this bitch up as a shrewd c-word, I just know it. They probably had her pegged in casting and then manipulated her in the photoshoot. "Hi there Sharaun! Love that shirt! Listen, can you stare us down in these shots? No...that's spite. We need more of a sneer. That's it! Yeah, nice and bitchy!"
Sheena
Uh oh...Asian. Can you name the last time ANTM let an Asian get into the Top 10? Me neither. Do you think it will happen this Cycle? Probably not. See you later, Sheena! Hope you didn't quit your job.