Stuff WASP-people Like

In previous posts I have spoke candidly about my genetic make-up; my "background" if you will. That's typically a term I hate; background. It really is just a gentler way of saying race, don't you think? Nobody would come right out and say "That's an odd last name. If you don't mind me asking, what race are you?" because that would be weird. So asking about 'background' makes it safe and very "Oh, who me? I'm just curious to know which of your parents is Asian, is all".

Anyways, you all know I'm 1/2 Polish (the typos are a dead give-away. Hey-O!) and 1/2 WASP. For those of you who are picturing my father having sex with a Yellowjacket, you can stop now. Allow me to explain what a WASP is (and don't laugh...my Jewish roomate had no idea either. She immediately thought of the insect too).

WASP is an acronym for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Let me break that down even further:
White - we obviously know what that means.
Anglo-Saxon - groups of people descended from the English
Protestant - a Christian who isn't a Catholic or a Bible-thumping zealot. This can include people who are Presbyterian (aka Me).

So what's the difference between a WASP and, oh let's say, an Irish Catholic? Or a German Baptist? Two words: Jello Salads. WASPs love Jello Salads. It's in our blood; we've all made them and fucking LOVED them. Don't act like you've never lusted after pineapple and walnuts in lime jello, it's scrumptious. And we are constantly trying to contemporize that shit too! "Look, I added organic Bing cherries!" "I used lemon jello and added real citrus zest!" Nuh-uh, girlfriend, you aren't fooling anyone. A jello salad is a jello salad. But what is a jello salad? That's like asking "what does God's face look like" or "how many chee-hooa-hooas does Mickey Rourke own"; it's a rhetorical question. A jello salad is whatever you want it to be. But we do have a few simple rules (we are WASPs after all - we love rules):

1. Thine jello salad shalt not be grape in flavour.
Anyone who makes a jello salad with grape jello is asking for trouble. Grape jello is for shots, not salad.

2. Thine jello salad must have some weird shit in it.
Shrimp is a common gag-inducer. So is imitation crab meat. But if you really want to make someone vomit, you should try the onion/fruit jello combo. Yes. Chopped onions in lime or cherry jello. I mean, take a look at this Jello ad from the 60s:Ooh! What a cornucopia of flavours! I see celery and olives and...is that cheese? Also, did you know that Jello used to have 'salad specific' flavours? It's true - Celery, Italian, Mixed Vegetable, and Tomato are sadly no longer available. Whaaa? I can only imagine how delicious celery-flavoured Jello would taste!

3. When in doubt, Ambrosia will do.
If you can't get your hands on some sweet sweet jello, then you can always make an ambrosia salad. It's just as WASPy and just as gross. It's basically sour cream, whipped cream, marshmallows, cherries, mandarin oranges, coconut.

Mmmmm...aren't you getting hungry? I could go for a jello salad and an egg salad sandwich right now (the ultimate in WASPy after-church lunches).