Picnicface!!

First things first, remember back to Friday when I said that I might have some big news today? The big news is that I was asked by VICE magazie to write for their blog. I know! Whoever thought that the littlest shitstorm that could (The Skip-Raid) could help me to get a job. Anyways, that's my big news. I haven't written anything yet, so when I do, you know I will be pimping it out like a shiny new hooker on the ho stroll. Moving on - I actually have a post for you today.

Okay, so in general, I'm not a fan of Sketch Comedy. It's just so degrading; everyone is making those stupid "get it??" faces the whole time and laughing at cryptic inside-jokes that the audience wouldn't get even if they were there when the joke was created. Ugh, and don't get me started on Improv; watching improv is sadder than watching a sack full of puppies get run over by Hitler's car.

However.

I LOVE Picnicface. And yes, I am fully aware that they are considered a 'sketch troupe'. EW! Don't you shudder at the word troupe?!? It's so lame! Anyways, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, bokay. So Picnicface is alright with me. They are based out of Halifax (a place I wants to move very badly) and make funny videos for YouTube. Also, if you're Canadian and over the age of 20, you might recognize one of the members; that's right, it's Andy from Street Cents!! And if you're American, and didn't get that reference at all?. No worries, I'm gonna try to do a Street Cents post sometime soon to explain it. It was a great show. Maybe I'll also throw in some Jonovision too.

Anyways, Picnicface has made a tonne of videos, so I have tried to narrow it down to a few of my favourites. These are the ones I could watch over and over again. The videos below are all dedicated to Joey (who introduced me to Powerthirst), Ilana (who lived in Halifax and went to see them all the time), and Nathan and Stephanie (who know how teary-eyed I get when I think about how much Hey Africa! we used to watch). I've also listed what I think are some of the funniest lines from each, so if you don't have time to watch each clip (dick) then you can use my handy Quotable-Quotes to replace all your outdates Borat phrases. Enjoy!


Powerthirst
This is the one that really started it all, I guess, and with good reason - it's hilarious. You've probably seen this 20 times, but in the off-chance that you haven't, here it is.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Sound the alarm - you're going to be UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC."
"These aren't your dad's puns...these are energy puns. TURBOPUNS!"


Powerthirst 2: Re-Domination
This is the follow-up to the very successful Powerthirst (see above, dumbass). Anyways, is this one funnier? Please see the joke about Crystal Meth (you know that I can't pass up a good meth joke).
Quotable-Quotes:
"You've had the worst, now have the thirst....quencher!"
"JUICE SPRINGSTEEN!"
"Powerthirst: it's like Crystal Meth in a can! It's Crystal Meth in a can! Powerthirst is Crystal Meth."


NFL Crunchtime
I must have watched this one the most out of any Picnicface video. Although I have a very hard time convincing people that NFL Crunchtime is funny; I usually get blank stares. Maybe they just don't get all the prison rape jokes or the Shawshank references.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Does that jersey come in mens? Does that face come in mens? Does your mom come in mens? (I wanna sex your dad)"
"The Tennis Crotch"
"Time to switch pee with your maid. Better hope she had a background check. Arriba! Am I right? GIMME YOUR PEE, ROSA!" "J'ess, meester muscles"
"Or assert yourself and become the rapist. You're a big guy, you played football. Take advantage of that"
"Ask the warden's wife if she wants to ride the pony-snake all the way to Tunatown. If she doesn't answer immediately, she wants it. Or she doesn't know where Tunatown is."


Hey Africa!
I will admit - this one take a while to get to the joke, and even then, the joke starts to get a little sour. I don't make it all the way to the end (but I don't think I should hold it against them). I'd say that on any given day of the week, I usually have the Hey Africa! song stuck in my head.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Heyyyyyy Africa! Cheetas? Scary?"
"Heyyyyyy Africa! What about a little puma?"
"Africa...still curious about this puma."


Real Zone!
I want to marry Mark so bad. I would also marry Kyle in a pinch. I wouldn't marry Andy because he's not my type. So I'm really hoping Mark (or to a lesser extent, Kyle) doesn't come down with the Super-AIDS anytime soon.
Quotable-Quotes:
"The first time I saw a digital camera, I was like whaaaaaaaaat is this? Real."
"I wrote it to accommodate Andy Bush's racism!"
"Your voice goes lower when you talk about Asians cause you hate them so much!"
"I'm going to go hate more Asians."


Women in Comedy
I hate when people try to make a statement about women not making funny comedians. IT'S TRUE! We're terrible at stand-up! There have only been, like, 5 that don't make me ashamed to be a lady (and I'm counting Silverman as 3 people here). So this sort of plays off that. Because it's true - Evany and 'The Other One' are mostly just filler. Picnicface should have just gone the Kids in the Hall route and bought some wigs and dresses and done the lady parts themselves (Mark can do my ladyparts. HEY-O!)
Quotable-Quotes:
"Aw shit man, that's why they call you the Bone Wolf!"
"It's a boom mic." "It's a bang mic."
"Guess who...your period!"


Halifax
This one doesn't have a solid, funny-throughout vibe, but it does have select spots that are very clever. For example: making fun of the Halifax explosion.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Splodey! I'm tragidorable! A dig-dig-dig-dig-tragedy!"
"Halifax is a SEX KNIGHT!"
"Halifax's favourite A-Team character was VAN."


He Totally Jewed Me
How do you top an inappropriate joke about 'jewing' someone? With an even more offensive joke about pedophilia. Very uncomfortable to watch (except for that joke at the end - amazing).
Quotable-Quotes:
"That is horse SHIT"
"Soooooo...he gave me the green light."
"Answer me these questions three. Question the first: will I diddle you? Question two and three: refer to question one."


Lawyers
I don't love this one, but you need to watch it in order to get the context of the joke below.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Poor? I'll sue poverty, give you the money, take the money as my fee, put you back on the streets."
"Fuck Away!"


Larry Rosen Bonus Footage
Goddamn, this whole sketch is an entire Quotable-Quote. There isn't anything not funny about it. My sister and I went to a massive garage sale on Saturday and one of the guys running it was shouting like Shuck Johnson - it was amazing. He kept yelling about the amazing deals and who bought what and was rhyming it all.
Quotable-Quotes:
"I gotta give a shout-out to my man Larry! Thanks for picking me up off the street, Larry!"
"Taste my meat-fingers of justice! Wheelbarrows of fuck-money finger-justice, all for you!"
"If the truth hurts, then call me the truth...huh huh ho."
"I'll sue the paint off your overalls, Murphy Brown's in-house lover!"