THE WEDDING IS OFF!

Normally I do not like to talk about my personal life, but there have been some events that happened this past weekend that I feel the need to address. As you may know, the love of my life, ShamWow Vince (aka Vince Offer aka Vince Shlomi) was arrested in Miami for Slap-Chopping a prostitute. I can't believe it. When I think of class and pedigree, I think of Vince; truly a captain of industry. But for him to get involved with a prostitute not only tarnishes what we had, but also paints him as a sleazy hooker-slapping poor-man's Billy Mays.
So yeah, needless to say, my love affair with ShamWow Vince is over. OVER damnit! I can't be with a pathetic, hooker-slapping Slap-Chop salesman. The last time I spoke with Vince was Saturday morning at 3:00am when he called begging me to post bail. AS IF! I live in Canada; you think I'm going to get out of bed, put on pants, get my ass to the airport, book the first flight to Miami, throw roaming charges to the wind and call a cab using my cellphone, find my way to the holding cell where Vince is drying out, write a cheque for 3 grand, call for another cab, check into the Miami Hilton, fight over who's going to fill up the ice bucket, agree that whoever doesn't fill up the ice bucket should go get sodas, get pissed off when the Hilton soda machine has Sprite instead of Sierra Mist, take several Tylenol PMs, wake up after the continental breakfast is done, grudgingly walk to Denny's, order a Moon Over My Hammy over-easy, receive a Moon Over My Hammy sunny-side-up, send it back, spill coffee on the table, watch Vince show how the ShamWow works, and on and on and on. You know who wouldn't pull that crap with me?
Exactly. Billy Mays would never hire a Miami hooker and slap her up. Billy Mays is a gentleman.

The TV Canadian Kids watched in the 80s & 90s

I know that American Kids have a very special spot for Nickleodeon and the Disney Channel in their patriotic hearts, and I can totally see why. Clarissa Explains it All was a great show. So was Double Dare. But if you grew up north of the border, your childhood was void of The New Mickey Mouse Club. Instead of pre-teen Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, we had crappy puppets, low-budget green screens, and a guy who climbed out of a log. Let's take a walk down memory lane and look back at the TV Canadian Kids watched...

SPOILER ALERT: Prepare to feel very very old.


Mr. Dressup
For all my American readers, you need to know that Mr. Dressup (aka Ernie Coombs) is the godfather of Canadian Children's Programming. He didn't have a schtick - he just drew some pictures and dressed up in costumes (from the Tickle Trunk) and jammed with his good friends Casey and Finnegan (Finnegan is a dog). Know what was so dope?? That episode where they showed you the inside of Casey and Finnegan's house!! Shit!!! That was crazy!!



Fred Penner's Place
Wow. Fred. You might want to change that shirt, buddy. You look like a predator. "Take good care of eachother".


Today's Special
What can I say about TS that hasn't already been said one hundred times? This show is a classic.


Puttnam's Prairie Emporium
Okay, so this show used to air at noon during the week and I used to watch it everyday while eating grilled cheese sandwiches/bologna sandwiches (depending on what my mother's felt like making). Here's the gist: this guy owns a general store and his kids (Grandkids? Nosy hooligans?) are always just hanging with a cat puppet in Wayfarers. There's also a lady (their mom?) and a Jerry Lewis-like scientist. Oh, and that moose head on the wall can talk. The kid's face at 3:23 pretty much sums up me while I was re-watching clips of the show. So friggin lame - how was I able to sit through 30 minutes of this crap every day??


Gigglesnort Hotel
One time I was in class at school and my friend Anna asked me: "did you ever watch that show with the clay head guy and the other guy used to twist his clay-face around and he used to moan and cry?" I said I did, and she then went "did it used to give you horrible, terrifying nightmares?" Yes, yes it did.


Take Part
Oh my god, I was OBSESSED with this show!! It was a husband and wife, Lois and Herb Walker, and they used to do skits and read stories and make crafts (lord, the crafts they would make!!) and then Mister Twister would come out in a creepy costume and would tell a riddle or a tongue-twister. Also there was the green furry mailbox who ate letters and said "YOOOOOOU BET!"


It's Alive!
If you remember It's Alive, then I give you a serious high-five. It was a sketch show for kids back in the early 90s and, unlike most "comedy" shows for kids, it didn't pander to uptight parents or water-down the jokes.


The Waterville Gang
If the dubious quality of this show seems familiar, it's because it was the brainchild of one Billy Van. Sound familiar? He's the guy who also gave us The Hilarious House of Frightenstein. I loved this show, even during it's Shark-Jumping turn when they introduced a bowtie-wearing penguin character. A fucking penguin under the sea?? Come on Billy Van, at least give us a acid-dropping, classic-rock loving Wolfman character.


Just Like Mom
I wanted to be on this game show SO BADLY when I was a kid, but my mother was very upset at how much food they wasted. Everytime I'd watch it, she'd just stand there with her arms crossed, shaking her head and going "look at all that food...what a shame". The premise was that a Mother/Daughter team (and later a Mother/Son team, because we don't want to be totally sexist) would compete to see if the Mother could pick out the food their kid made. But it was always the same ingredients: Robin Hood flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, chocolate chips, barbecue sauce, and Gatorade. Didn't matter what they were making, there was always BBQ sauce and Gatorade.


Ready or Not
This show was the shit. Apparently Busy Ramone is now a coke-addicted lesbian. Crazy!


Size Small Island
This show was so bizarre. There was a 12-year-old girl who played an 80-year-old woman (Grandma Gussie) who whistled when she talked, a puppet named Cooter, and a giant record who tapped two wooden spoons together. And yet? I was so sad when they canceled it!


The Edison Twins
Go ahead and try to find me a better theme song that the one for The Edison Twins. I'll wait. No really, go ahead, I've got time.


You Can't Do That on Television
I wasn't really encouraged to watch this show, so I had to do so when my mother was doing the laundry or my dad was in charge. I loved everything about YCDTOT; including the use of Moose as a girl's name. Note to self; first child should be named Moose.


The Raccoons
This show really is one of Canada's best legacies. The Raccoons was an amazing show for a few reasons. The first being that it actually followed canonical storylines (meaning that each episode picked up where the last left off) and the second was that each episode was very deep and existential. You felt for the characters, you wanted them to triumph over Cyril Sneer. It was like an animated network drama. I actually believe that some episodes made me cry.


Téléfrancais!
Forget the fact that Ananas is a huge flamer; were you not so sad when Sophie left the show!??! That was hard to take when you were a kid. She like, moved to France or something! Also, Les Squelettes were too scary. I didn't like watching them. But you know what is truly amazing - how EVERY kid in Canada watched this in their French classes. Was it required curriculum, or did we just have some very lazy teachers?

Do, Date, or Dump: these guys

It was really hard to come up with a description for this group of Judd Apatow/Evan Goldberg group of dudes. The best way I could think of it was "the guys who do Apatow stuff who aren't Will Ferrel or John C Reilly or Brick Tamland and who were on Freaks and Geeks (but are still working)". So...I think I was able to narrow it down to the ones you keep seeing over and over again. I guess the best way to describe this Do, Date, or Dump is Funny Jews who Smoke a Shitload of Weed and Make Weiner Jokes.
Sigh. I just described my future husband. Let's do this!!!

James Franco (Freaks & Geeks, Pineapple Express)
Do, Date, or Dump?
You'd have to be blind not to say Do. James Franco is walking sex; hell, he was wearing sweatpants for most of Pineapple Express, and he was still smoking hot (and you know how I feel about sweatpants). He seems like the kind of guy who would hit it and quit it, which would totally suck - cause you know it's going to be amazing, but he's never going to call you again.

Seth Rogen (Freaks & Geeks, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Undeclared, Pineapple Express)
Do, Date, or Dump?
Oh wow, Date for sure (of course we all know date = marry). I wouldn't mind giving up sex if it meant that I could wake up to Seth Rogen every morning (because that's what happens when you get married, people. Sex = Not Happening). Regardless, I would be more than happy to get up early on a Saturday morning and make him waffles. Not Eggos either, but like real-ass waffles.

Jason Segel (Freaks & Geeks, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man)
Do, Date, or Dump?
DO DO DO DO DO. I have a very unhealthy crush on Jason Segel; he is so fine. And I'm sure that a good 90% of you are sitting at home reading this and yelling out "Oh shit, no!!! He's so gross and flabby and freckly and mole-y and gigantically-Shrek-like and he has moobs!" and you know what? DON'T CARE, STILL WANT.

Jonah Hill (Knocked Up, Superbad, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
Do, Date, or Dump?
It's funny. This summer I was told that a group of people were thinking about people's ideal matches and it was unanimous that my Perfect Soulmate is Jonah Hill. Swoon! I love Jonah Hill and I do think we are very similar, so I'm going to say Date. I'm not totally attracted to him (he is lacking in the freckles department. Moobs, however...) but I think that I would grow to appreciate his charming good looks. Bwahahahaha, I couldn't say that with a straight face. He's fucking weird looking, but he is super funny and adorable, and that's what I'm looking for in a husband.

Martin Starr (Freaks & Geeks, Knocked Up, Superbad)
Do, Date, or Dump?
Do. I would do Bill Haverchuck and I would do Beardo-Martin from Knocked Up. Look people, you know I have some messed-up issues, so why would it surprise you that I'd totally sleep with Martin Starr? Plus, there is something about his voice that is pretty hot (maybe it's the monotone? Maybe I'm atrracted to robots! That would explain those dreams I have about KITT).

Jay Baruchel (Undeclared, Knocked Up)
Do, Date, or Dump?
Dump. I know he's cute and Canadian (so I'm supposed to like him) but I wasn't first introduced to him in Undeclared; it was Popular Mechanics for Kids, when he was like...12 or something. He will always be a pre-teen in my mind, so no thanks - I'm too pretty for jail.

Bill Hader (Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up)
Do, Date, or Dump?
I've said before that I would totally marry Bill Hader, but you know what? He's getting cocky and he's starting to get popular with the frat crowd, so I'm gonna say Dump. I know, it stings, but it's for my own good.

Paul Rudd (The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man,
Do, Date, or Dump?
CAN I PLS CHOOSE DO AND DATE?!?!?!?!?! Girls, there isn't ANY of you out there who can't say: "Oh my god, I love Josh! I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh!" and not mean it. Sigh.

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 4: My looney bun is fine Benny Ninja!

I had to add this screen grab from my all-time favourite song (ever) because there will be a few of you who would read the title to today's post and get all screw-faced and mutter "what does that even mean?" under your breath. So, here it is. The title to this week's post comes courtesy of Ty, who can sometimes really surprise me with cleverness. The Benny Ninja/Benny Lava joke is so obvious, and yet...I didn't think of it, so there you go.

Alright, on to the good stuff. For the past 2 weeks I have been getting nothing but grief from you readers (aka my good for nothing sister who complains too much) about the ANTM posts being too long. Touché. Ty and I have come to a good middle ground this week and agreed that you have indulged us far too long in our desire to write and write and write etc etc etc. So this week, we're caving in to your wishes like a bad mother in the grocery store who has let her child eat a box of crackers in the shopping cart. We're doing a shorter post this week!Last night's photo shoot was something. Lord Love a Duck, that was some kind of awful, am I right? Even the eternally optimistic Benny Ninja can agree with me.That little girl is thinking: Got dayum, what I wouldn't give to be in Social Studies right now. Aaaaaaaaaand speaking of Social Studies...(don't worry, this segue is coming full-circle) this week we decided to pose all model call-outs as Exam Questions! Unlike myself, Ty actually has a very fulfilling job; he's a High School Teacher. You know what? Scratch that - sitting on my ass and collecting disability cheques and employment insurance is very fulfilling. It truly will be my legacy. Anyways, Ty wrote some great questions for you guys, so let's get started. Turn your papers over class, you may begin.

Little Burny Foo Foo
1. If you could choose between being scar free or not looking like the older version of Tia Mowry if she ate her sister Tamara, what would you choose and why? Express your answer without crying.

Natalie
2. Is it possible that a runway model can walk so well that Miss J. will not notice her face is falling of her chin? Explain your answer without discussing your wealth of experience working as an unemployable ugly model.

Wind Tunnel
3. In the winner's circle after a big success on the track, do you feel that the Jockey receives too much attention considering it was on your back that he rode to victory? Write your answer without spilling oats on the page.

Allison
4. What would you rather taste, a drop of Benny Ninja's fabulous blood from a coke-related random nosebleed or a tinge of success not based on your freakish face? Your answer must be expressed in a series of eyelash bats and shoulder shrugs.

London
5. How many hours of continuous cut-eye must a semi-interesting but ultimately too short top model candidate give before her face becomes permanently fierce and she stops being a gimmick? Give your answer orally on top of a upturned milk crate at a busy street corner.

Celia
6. Using percentages to clearly express your thoughts, how much more comfortable has it been to live your hideous life since The Curious Case of Grandpa Baby gave light to your disease? Your answer must be written in iambic pentameter.
Bonus Question: Using either a Venn Diagram or a Line Graph, please plot the correlation between Celia and James 'The Ragin' Cajun' Carville.

Fo
7. If able to bring only one food with you to a deserted island, would you choose a chili enchilada or a carton of menthol cigarettes? Your answer must be expressed in rhythm with Parents Just Don't Understand.

Aminat
8. In 20 words or less, clearly explain why your name is better and blacker than Wesley Snipes' entire existence. Shave you answer into the back of Demolition Man's head.

Wesley Snipes
9. If you had to choose between being Blade and punching Stephen Dorf in his stupid face or being able to use your Passenger 57 terrorist fighting skills to beat down the IRS, what would choose and why? Write your answer on the back of your latest subpoena.

Kortnie
10. When Dale motorboated you, did it sound more like an authentic inboard/outboard or was it totally NASCAR all the way?' Write your answer on the back of a Sonic wrapper or the lower portion of a Home Pregnancy Test.

Time's up! Please put your pencils down and stop tying to get high off the ink on the ScanTron card. While I'm collecting your tests, you should sit quietly and think about Next Week's Episode where Celia gets a new one ripped by TyTy for calling out Tahlia at elimination.

See you next week!!

Phun with Photoshop w/ Kim Kardashian!!

Click to make big. See what I did there? It's called a joke.

Okay, so Complex magazine accidentally let the dogs out (so to speak) and gave us the gift of an un-retouched shot of America's Smartest Philanthropist (accent on the pist. Hey-o!). Now, I'm not one to come down hard on Photoshopping; in fact, I like it when pictures are photoshopped to hell and back. Why? Because it sends a message out to celebrities that says "Hey uggers! We'd love for you to be on the cover of Women's Fitness, but you're just too damn hideous! We're going to take a picture of you (just to get the general idea of what you look like) and then we're going to make you much skinnier, whiter, hairless, with better skin and facial features. We do this because we respect you sooooo much!!" and it really brings them down a peg.

Plus, I love seeing these side-by-sides to see just how much work they really have to do on any given day. I'd say that Kim Kardashian (famous for letting Ray J urinate on her and not much else) looks pretty good in the before. Yes, she has a bit of a FUPA, her legs are a little splotchy, her hairline is doing something weird...but overall, Kim looks great. I'd die to have a body like hers; super curvy and sexy, but she doesn't look like she skips the Cracker Barrel's grits and gravy. Good for you, girl! Plus - are you looking at her boobs? They barely even touched them - I can only imagine what a retoucher would do to my chest.

"Um...can we...I dunno...make her boobs look less like Ziploc Freezer Bags full of vanilla pudding and blue phone cables?"

I'm so pale, I'm like Slim Goodbody's kid.Except way less Jewwy and 100% more WASP-y. So imagine Slim Goodbody as a girl with blonde hair, and I dunno...holding a jello salad. WASPs love jello salad; that's the first question Jews usually ask me when I tell them I'm 1/2 WASP. "What's the deal with putting celery and walnuts in lime jello and bringing it to a party?" Hell, I'd like to know that myself. One time I went to a party at my ex-boyfriend's family's house and there were like 5 jello salads. Ugh, I had to try them all to be nice; in truth, I really just like the ones with marshmallows and pineapple. Mmmmmm....ambrosia!

Well, they're not getting divorced...yet

Sidebar - if any of you want to thank me for my countless years of service, I would graciously accept this mug. I love mugs, what can I say? I drink a lot of coffee. For the past 6 months I have been drinking out of a Jesus Shaves mug. I'm sure you've seen them somewhere, they sell them at Urban Outfitters.And in case you were wondering, yes, I am the Judah Friedlander of my office. Moving on to the good stuff...

Last night's Jon & Kate Plus 8 gave us a lot of things, but it didn't give us a yes or no on the divorce rumours. I had a feeling they wouldn't come right out and say it (because that would be tacky). But I wanted some dirt to keep me entertained; if I wanted good-humoured family interactions, I would just watch re-runs of Little People Big World.

First off, they kept repeating Jon going "I'm not Jon...I'm Jon and Kate plus eight". No shit Sherlock! What else did you think would happen when you signed a contract with TLC to have your entire life videotaped? Jesus Murphy, he's stupid. Then he kept mentioning that he wasn't really in this episode because he was staying with his sick Mother. Except that everytime he said it, it sounded like a 15-year-old who just got caught stealing money out of your wallet.

"I didn't go to painting because I was out of town for a full 8 days because my mom broke her leg and her husband couldn't be there to help her so like, what am I supposed to do? Let her suffer? So I went to stay with her for 8 days and that's why I couldn't be there with the kids and Kate and stuff because I had to help her cook and do stuff around the house because she's my mom and she broke her leg. So yeah, that's why I wasn't there." Oooooookayyyyeee...we didn't ask, buddy.

Then at the end we were left with this "Will They or Won't They" feeling regarding Season 5. We're at a fork in the road, people. Here is the jist of it:

Kate: wants to come back and do Season 5 because she LOVES it and it's the best job she's ever had.

Jon: HELLS TO THE NO, BOBBY B!!!!

So they have some issues they need to work out. Right now Jon is working at home, which he CLEARLY hates, so who knows where this will go. Kate owns Jon, so you know that there will definitely be a Season 5, but it will be a season full of an extremely aggitated and asshole-ish Jon. Do we really want to see that? Will Jon actually return? Will they get a D-vorce?? I smell a seperation. GOOD FOR RATINGS!! It's time to kick that Duggar Family's ass into cancellation. Seriously, who actually watches 17 and Counting?

But more than divorce rumours and Aaden's paint-on-the-face tantrum, I couldn't help but think: What is going on with homegirl's hair? In the words of my cousin, "Kate needs to do something about that curtain of hair". True! It is like a big sheet of hair that has been strangely fixed to her scalp. Who told Kate this was a good idea?Let's put her hair aside for a moment and concentrate on the real issue here; did anyone else notice that Kate has been hitting the Mystic Tan pretty aggressively lately?I know it's a crudely mashed together jpeg of an orange with eyes and a mouth, but come on - I'd say it gets the point across pretty well. Speaking of crudely thrown-together...Jon, your hair plugs are showing. Did anyone else see that?!?! Jon has clearly had some scalpular-mid-life-crisis work done. He's not a regular Dad, he's a cool Dad. Ah Mean Girls - you have a quote for everything, don't you?

The Jon & Kate Plus 8 episode I've been waiting for is on tonight!!!

I HAD to choose this picture of Jon and Kate Gosselin because it truly shows off how classy and elegant they are. Look at Kate's dress; you'd swear we fell into a wormhole from 1992. And Jon's hair? My god, does anyone else out there have a massive erection from the sight of People Magazine's Sexiest Man of 2009? It doesn't usually get announced till, like, December or whatever, but I'm assuming People Magazine won't overlook this year's obvious choice.

I'm sure you're sitting at your computers thinking "why the hell is she posting about Jon & Kate Plus 8?" Let me tell you something; I watch this show WITHOUT irony. I love it. When I say I love it, I mean I will literally run home from work to watch reruns, or turn off my phone Monday nights at 9pm to watch a full uninterrupted hour of the hottness that is Jon Gosselin, the massive bitchiness and verbal fire that is Kate Gosselin, their 7 adorable half-Asian half-White children, and Mady (their obnoxious pain-in-the-ass 1st kid). Well, tonight at 9pm on TLC we have the Season Finale of Jon & Kate Plus 8 and if the previews are any indication of what we have in store for us, I think the Gosselins might be getting a D-Vorce! It should come as no surprise - Jon's philandering is well-documented, and whether he has or hasn't cheated on Kate, he definitely has a taste for Hawaiian Tropic rub-down girls and Spring Break co-eds who watch an unhealthy ammount of TLC.

I know you're probably thinking that Jon's a dog and "what kind of asshole leaves his wife with 8 kids?" Well, please take a look at these 2 clips from The Soup (I couldn't embed them because the owner is a stingy b'yotch).

Clip 1

Clip 2

Um....yeah. I'm personally surprised Jon lasted this long without hitting the bottle. They should show clips of this show to gays and lesbians fighting for same-sex marriage with the disclaimer: DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS SHIT?!?! I mean, don't get me wrong - not everybody's marriage is as horrible as the Gosselins. But I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that a good portion of people married more than 5 years watch this show and say "Goddamn, I hate my husband...but not nearly as much as Kate hates Jon".

So tonight I will watch with baited breath for the final 10 minutes when Jon and Kate decide their fate. It will probably go a little something like this:

Kate: So...Jon and I have found the last 12 months very difficult.
Jon: Every morning I wake up, I curse God that I didn't die in my sleep.
Kate: Well, it's not that bad. But we have been seeing a marriage counsellor and he thinks that we should talk about the future of our marriage.
Jon: I would personally like to see a divorce happen.
Kate: No you don't.
Jon: No...no I don't.
Kate: We need to work some things out.
Jon: I need to work out better ways to escape this hellhole I call a life. So far, paint thinner has been doing the trick, but I find that it isn't as strong as it once was. I'm thinking it may be time to slowly work my way into the hard stuff, like Crystal Meth.
Kate: No you don't.
Jon: No...no I don't.

Tomorrow I'll update on what the hubub is all about. You watch - it will be something so bogus and lame like "Jon and I are....having problems with....the plumbing in our new house. It's really been difficult to get a plumber in". Ugh, we'll see. Happy Monday, urrbods!!!

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 3: She Doesn't Walk...She Floats

The Mayor: Ah, such poetic words from immortal Celia; I couldn't have worded it any better myself. Miss J does float, doesn't he? (Sorry Celia, but he's still a man - so no, he isn't a she).

Ty from Tyland: It is imperative to sustainability of my enjoyably fresh career as a television analyst that I clearly elucidate my strong belief in the relative purity of my own soul before I level some much overdue and to me, quite obvious criticism. Unlike Sandra, I am not the undead and unlike Allison, I don’t have parents from two distinctly different species (one of which is mythological). I have also never committed a crime heinous enough to garner a stern talking to from Judith Sheindlin or been so effing drunk / American to require Maury to tell me which of my ‘friends’ that I sometimes invite over at 3am to talk with and watch the Magic Bullet popped out a kid that I fathered and subsequently ignored. With that all out in the open like a Tom Hanks chest lesion, I should probably mention that yes, I am guilty for dumping / not calling back female companions for carrying a few extra orders of Fries Supreme in the baby basket and although my weight based criticism that follows is as impartial as Sutan judging a most misshapen areola contest, there is a particular reason that a straight man has latched himself onto this programme and it has very little to do with fashion. Preamble: end. Burny is too fat.The Mayor: …and with that, I just finished a Nachos Supreme and a Burrito Bel Grande. If eating copious amounts of sodium, pintos, and cheese is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Speaking of why we watch, I’m the opposite end of the spectrum. I watch it for the fashion. KIDDING! Like I give a shit about that hack Jil Stuart. Speaking of which, that runway show was lazy at best.Celia looked like she was holding bags of crap and London looked like she just hopped off the special bus on her first day of school (Okay class, get out your circle of paper and a safety pencil). You know what wasn’t an utter disappointment? CHARM SCHOOL!! And it wouldn’t be ANTM without bringing back some old hags to fill the void left by the girl’s blank stares. Cycle 9’s Bianca and Chantal took some time out from their busy burger-flipping schedule to come and teach the girls how to avoid success.

Ty from Tyland: With the fantasticalness of Chantal and a slimmer / more coked out Bianca from Cycle 9 as damning contrast, it was clear that Burny’s unconfident just going to the drug store to buy some more Rejuveness walk was probably a result of the cringe inducing sound of her thighs rubbing together rather than feeling like a telethon guest for the children’s burn ward. It was surprising that when Charm School was in session Miss J. could find one of those awful Old Navy outfits that would fit her. Scrunchy face was right, Burny did have the worst photo from Week Two. What was she supposed to say? Every one of those bitches would have jumped all over her for pointing them out. Truth hurts – but probably not as bad as boiling hot…

The Mayor: Not to interrupt disgrossting imagery...but can I just say this? What was up with Tyra's shirt at judging? She looked like Red Skelton doing Freddy the Freeloader. I was expecting at any moment for her to rub charcoal on her face and say "Whoops, I dropped my bindle! Does anyone have $0.30 for a sandwich?"I love that Tyra can smile with her eyes, and Miss J can cut a bitch with his.

Ty from Tyland: Again, in order of perceived excellence:

Noxeema Jackson
Ty from Tyland: "You either smoke, or you get smoked. And, you got smoked." – so true. Now if you could only teach the Woody Harrelson-esque rest of the models to jump, we’d see a much better end to the cycle and possibly a Rosie Perez sighting. Did anyone notice that the final edit of this episode included barely a word from Sandra? Is that why I enjoyed this week more or was I so caught up in reliving Snipes snippets that Paula could have shown her worth and I wouldn’t have noticed?
The Mayor: Sandra is lame and I don't like her. SORRY! She can't model for shit. I certainly hope that next week the judges Do The Right Thing and Demolition (Man) her chances of becoming America's Next Top Model. I can't Wait(ing) to Exhale and breathe a sigh of relief when she is shown the Drop Zone. If I can make one thing crystal clear, it's that Wesley Snipes needs to make some new movies STAT because I am running out of films to cleverly insert into my writing.
(Editor's Note: Wesley Snipes wasn't in Do The Right Thing. It was Jungle Fever, which doesn't work in any capacity without The Mayor sounding like a total racist).

Celia
Ty from Tyland: The winner of the most shocking moment of the episode. How can she not know babies? Hold them up by the leg? Is that how you raised your first son Regis Philbin? No wonder his head turned out to be so big – all the blood much have rushed there.
The Mayor: "Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft".

Scrunchy Face
Ty from Tyland: If her upward swing from the first half of the episode had allowed her head to continue to expand and her confidence hadn’t been so brutally squelched by the horrendous tourist photo, would she have focused the ego swelling energy to her features and turned herself into a regular looking person?
The Mayor: DO NOT WANT!!! I can't stands Natalie.

Wind Tunnel
Ty from Tyland: The remake-over didn’t change the fact that her hairline is as curious as Jeremy Piven’s. Where does it begin? Just as I was curious as to why bangs weren’t employed during the first go round, I’m equally perplexed as to why someone with a Seabiscuit jaw and set of teefs was given a distinguishable ‘mane.’ Giddy-up - next stop, the bottom two.
The Mayor: They should have gotten her new weave from the grocery store bag-boy. Paper or plastic, it don't matter just as long as it covers up that mug.

Little Burny Foo Foo
Ty from Tyland: What amazes me the most about my rant above is that at no point did I make the quip that I had so looked forward to sliding in like a drunken frat boy to a roofied sophmore – ‘Walking with bags? Looks like Tahlia’s got a serious advantage for this runway challenge.’
The Mayor: When Tahlia hoovering that Ben & Jerry's during their game of Truth or Dare, I actually yelled out "Stop it! This is why designers don’t want to put you in a bathing suit!!" To quote the ever-useful, fully-quotable Wayne's World: Burnvictimwhoeatsherfeelings says what? Exactly.

Kortnie
Ty from Tyland: Somewhere in the deep south, after a sixer of Old Milwaukee and a few microwavable burritos, a poor autoworker named Randy lost his well laboured boner after seeing the mess that was Kortnie’s photo.
The Mayor: See, I like to imagine Kortnie's type is more like this:Nijah
Ty from Tyland:In another bit of strong evidence towards the Mayor’s thesis that Tyra is trying to recreate her glory days on the Fresh Prince, Nijah broke out a strictly okay Carlton dance during a truth or dare session. Unfortunately, Nijah the Mayor or myself will remember this future T.J. Maxx model for anything else.
The Mayor: Of course she went home. She had a waaaay better weave than Princess TyTy, so it was only a matter of time before Tyra gave her the boot.

Aminat
Ty from Tyland: By far the most personable, by far the best name and in my mind, by far the best photo of the week. The angles of her face as accentuated by the strong glasses and her excellent body control should have been enough to warrant a framed photo. Is Kris Kristofferson lurking in the shadows under Tyra’s ass?
The Mayor: Lense-less glasses are the bain of my existence. Ugh, like, why? Could you be more of a hipster turd? Please throw some more spandex and head-bands and Reebok jazzercise sneakers on yourself and call it a day, capeishe?

Fo Freckles
Ty from Tyland: Fantastic photo. Perhaps is was her Lisa hair being hid beneath some sort of geisha up do but she seemed much less Blacxican and much more Asian in this shot. Fo looks to be the distinct product of at least three different races. Is she a Blacasican?
The Mayor: For the record, I think it's Cablinasian. Can someone call up Rosario Dawson and ask?

London
Ty from Tyland: Theoretical question: if one testicle is damaged from a bicycle seat accident, shrivels up from lack of use and becomes clearly less normal and certainly less aesthetically pleasing yet is still attached to the fully functional other half of the scrot, is the whole sack worthless or should merit be doled out to the undamaged ball for carrying the sperm producing load?
The Mayor: Are we talking about Tom Green? Because if so, then the answer is Yes. What? Exactly.

Allison
Ty from Tyland: She needs to stay if only to allow Miss J. to continue to do his impression of her. I would love to see how exactly Nigel proposes she migrate away from her ‘eyes opened and turned to the camera look.’ It’s like telling Salma Hayek that she needs to give us something more than voluptuous.
The Mayor: I would personally like the FBI to investigate where Allison sleeps, because I have a feeling it's in Omri's locked cupboard. Homegirl is a Blythe doll!

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...

Ty from Tyland: Judging from the completely confusing preview, next week’s episode features Benny Ninja, a bunch of gay men and Allison being railroaded off the show by her grandmother Celia. I’m looking forward to two out of three, and yes Mr. Loaf, that ain’t bad.

The Mayor: Celia is stiring up shit! She must be irritated that the ANTM producers couldn't locate a Walgreens that stocks her favourite flavour of Polident. Benny Ninja took a break from haunting my nightmares to scare the living crap out of a group of Queeny McQueens. Who the hell was that one guy they zoomed in on, Boy George?? Wait! I think it might have been James St. James! SWOON! I love me some makeup-wearing queers. Jokes, I love James St. James because he introduced me to the most amazing memoir ever: Party Monster. I really hope it's him next week, cause he is FLAMEY with a capitol F; he makes Miss J look like Jack Nicholson.

Because it's Wednesday...

...and I'm lazy (shocker, I know) but here is my favourite video of the week (hell, of the month). In case you need help understanding what's going on, we have a pet turtle who is trying to get romantic with a sneaker and his invasive, peeping-tom owners won't leave his horny ass alone for 5 minutes. I'd say this video is NSFW, but really? If teenage mutant ninja peen is enough to get you fired, then you may need to reconsider what kind of day-job you have.

*Note: You NEED to watch this with the sound on. Watching it in silence is beyond creepy, but listening to his little squeals and sighs and hearing his owners snickering is too much fun. It really does elevate the video from weird clip of a turtle fucking a shoe to adorable widdle shelled baby squealing and twying so hard to have sex wif a shoe.

*Note x2: Get that turtle a lady-turtle, stat!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Quite often I mention that I come from a Polish family. Well, that's only half true; while my Father's family is 100% Pure Polack, my Mother is an amalgam of a few different countries. A bit of German, a snick of British, some Irish. So it's around this time of year when my heart swells, I feel the need to whack some snakes, and my thirst for booze becomes insatiable. I celebrate in the usual ways: I always wear green (I don't want to get Leprechaun-bit), I drink a green beer (or 5), and I always like to make something sweet and green. This year I celebrated by making Limeprechaun Cupcakes. Even St. Patrick's Day isn't safe from holiday-related puns! You may think that lime-flavoured cake would be disgusting, but believe me - it's very refreshing and sweet. I like to keep the flavour light by using real limes and none of that janky-ass fake flavouring or shit that comes in a plastic fruit-shaped bottle. Also, by omitting vanilla, you have a citrus-base that doesn't compete with the strength of vanilla.

Limeprechaun Cupcakes1 package white cake mix
Eggs
Oil (I like safflower, but canola works nicely too)
3 fat limes
Prepare the cake as directed on the back. Typically it's 2-3 eggs, 1/3 cup of oil, 1/3 cup water, but I replace the water the the juice from the limes. Squeeze out as much as you can get from the limes and add enough water till you get the correct measurement.
Bake as directed.
Use adorable paper liners. I have chosen clover printed ones courtesy of my Mother.

1/4 stick of room-temperature butter
1 cup icing sugar
1-2 tbsp milk
The zest from 3 fat limes
Whip the butter and slowly add the powdered sugar. Once the mixture begins to form a paste, slowly add the milk (bit by bit). Once your buttercream has come together, add the lime zest. Spread over cooled cakes and add any flare you might like. I made hearts out of fondant, but you could also use green Skittles, sprinkles, rolled-up dollar bills, whatever you have lying around.

Now go get drunk on green beer! Scoot! Get outta here!

Things you need to know about the Watchmen movie.

This weekend I finally went to see Watchmen. I say finally because I was in Florida when it first came out and I've had a very itchy trigger finger since last Friday. By now, I'm sure you've been bombarded with Watchmen propaganda. Even if a month ago you knew nothing about the graphic novel, the story, the movie, etc etc, but now I'm sure you know the basics. When I told my roomate that I had gone to see it, she asked if it was "that animated superhero movie". Not bad considering she thought 30 Rock was TV-Nerd jargon for 3rd Rock from the Sun. I can't even try to pretend that I'm not a massive nerd when it comes to Watchmen; I read the graphic novel (amazing!) and have been tracking the film's progress since 2007. I waited with baited breath to find out who had been cast as what and eagerly anticipated the next 10-second trailer.

But then I saw the movie and...it wasn't that great. I mean, don't get me wrong; Watchmen has been called unfilmable for years, and they did do a decent job. But it didn't blow me away (which The Dark Knight did, funny enough. There was a superhero movie I had little expectations for, and it was incredible). So here are a few points of interest in regards to the Watchmen film.

1. Holy shit, it's 3 fucking hours long. My ass was all kinds of asleep by the time the credits started to roll. I really think that they could have split this into 2 movies and made twice as much profit and made about a million less asses numb.

2. Billy Crudup is naked for about 90% of the movie. Except it's not really him, it's more of a CGI'd-to-Hell-and-Back version of him. But you do see his wang.Imagine one of these guys painted bright blue. Now imagine it's swinging around on a 30-ft tall screen for 3 hours. You can see how that might be distracting, non?

3. Got'dayum, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is fine. I always used to confuse him with my future husband Javier Bardem, but not anymore. He's not just a handsome face; he's amazing in Watchmen.

4. Speaking of amazing, Jackie Earle Haley is so effing tough in Watchmen. He plays Rorschach, which is pronounced like ROAR-zack. I have a handy way to remember the pronunciation; think of Zack Morris.

5. Right smack-dab in the middle of the film there is an incredibly porn-y sex scene involving Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre) and Patrick Wilson (Nite Owl). So if you're thinking about going to see this movie with your parents or kids, you might want to reconsider. Like, when I say it's porn-y, I mean it makes sex look like a church.Patrick Wilson better watch it, or he's going to become the Hollywood go-to manwhore. I feel like every movie I've seen him in, he's just killing time till he gets to drop trou and bust a nut (I'm classy!). But come to think of it, I've only really seen him in Watchmen and Little Children, so unless his next film is a teen sex comedy called School of Hard Weiners, I suppose my theory doesn't have legs to stand on.

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 2: Keep it Cute, or Keep it on Mute

Hey kids! I'm still trying to work out the format for how Ty and Myself will work out this shared ANTM space, but for this week, the introduction will be by Ty, and comments will be from both. And, as per request, PICTURES!!! Lots of pictures (and if I can learn how to work it, maybe a gif or two). Let's do this!

Ty from Tyland: Despite my best attempts to remain unwaveringly manly by constantly coating my fingers in axel grease and using the word ‘cans’ to describe the lovely things that I need cans of another variety to help seem more approachable, I cannot hide my seething anger when ungrateful wretches push aside a professional pruning. To be given an opportunity to be fawned over, studied and sculpted by leaders of the tight black shirt and thick glasses council should not only be appreciated but also viewed as a life altering experience on par with a visit from Kazaam out of your boombox. Shallow? Like a fucking turtle pool – but we’re all wearing our best shit stained sewn-in underwear, aren’t we?My anticipation for this week’s makeovers began shortly after the preview to cap off the human version of a dozen eggs sitting in a car for three months (thanks for that classy analogy Mayor) that was last week’s opening episode. With further viewing of the commercial teaser, my suspense turned to wrath. All horrible personifications of awful Cruise movies aside, Scrunchy Face’s evasive action haunted my dreams and invoked desires to break out the #1 and give her a sweet high top fade. How could such an obviously out of her league competitor / complete mistake feel so self-righteous that she could refuse any attempt to upgrade her appearance by John Barrett? An ESL Supercuts stylist should be given a red carpet ushering to the mess that is her ‘yeh, I guess I’d probably do her’ countenance. I spent my week waiting in indignation only to be as let down as a rock-hard boner after even thinking about Celia’s pasty white body.Scrunchy Face’s inability to let her guard down and accept a professional upgrade to her appearance cost her nothing. The horrible incident was barely mentioned again as the rest of the models who so graciously accepted their ‘for fierce eyes only’ makeover walked away much more scathed than she. Of particular note, Allison has now morphed from nocturnal monkey thing to Ariel the Mermaid with a bit more fish in the face than in the leg area and Sandra, who could easily play Wesley Snipes’ character in Demolition Man without Dennis Leary ever noticing (yeh, he was in that). Although Fo took her ‘cute’ chop job harder than Dale Earnhardt Jr. has recently taken the realization that he used to drive a 12hp across the lake on Kortnie’s chest, she had little to complain about – all that was missing was a sharpie lip liner.

Discovering that Sarah Jessica Parker’s sister is a Cover Girl rep comes in a close second on the list of astonishing things I learned during the contrived obligatory product placement challenge. The gold medal? How easy it is to grab an incredibly attractive woman off the street in NYC. I can’t be the only straight man to notice the ‘sure I’ll tattoo my face like Tyson if that’s what makes you hot’ knockout blonde seemingly picked from a street crowd. In a distant third was Sutan’s scarf. Epic. I could live in that thing.

After watching Aminat get tanked and Sandra throwing the tude around quicker than a bunch of stoner hippies toss the disc at a 2nd year ultimate Frisbee tournament, Mr. J introduced a challenging and intriguing photo shoot. Light. You know, like that thing the sun does.

After a few Blacxican tears and a quick trip to the morgue to find a corpse to replace Nijah, the lovely Nigel walked away questioning his career path as Celia amped up her resume for a role in the Blade Runner sequel and Tahlia tried to decide what would ruin her career more quickly, the burn scars or the penis that she just grew. Despite the hand held lights looking like dildo light-sabers, this week’s photo shoot produced some decent shots. According to the judges, including a blunt, free speaking Nolé, the contestants finished in the following order of perceived excellence:
Wind Tunnel
Ty from Tyland: I can admit to be being ignorant of many secrets and nuances of female hairstyling but I was pretty sure the best way to hide a huge sixhead was with bangs, not a jheri curl.
The Mayor: She looks like she wears underwear with dick-holes in them. Someone check her for a penis, stat! (Inner Monologue: okay, so you know when you see a woman with a FUPA (look it up, people) but it's really big? Okay, so I call that a Gunt. I'm sure you've heard that term before. Anyways, sometimes guys can get them, and you call it a Genis. I know, I'm pure class. But yeah, here's where I'm going with this...I saw a guy with a Gunt on the beach in Florida and I called him Greg Lougenis. That's funny, right? Just thought I'd share).

Celia
Ty from Tyland: Was Tyra forced to cut Celia’s hair and throw make-up on her so that retirement castle in Scottsdale would stop asking about a pale, fashion conscious run-away Grandmother that Grandpa Joe swore he saw on the picture box last Wednesday?
The Mayor: One very astute reader pointed out to me that Celia bears a very striking resemblance to Ron Perlman from "Beauty and the Beast". I tend to agree.

Fish Eyes
Ty from Tyland: Unconventional seems fun at the outset and like countless optometrists, I have enjoyed picturing the size of contact lens that Allison would require, but can someone ask Marcy Playground how sex and candy smells when you’re piss-ass broke?
The Mayor: Imagine if the fish-chopping Mom from Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun music video and a bushbaby had sex and produced an offspring? Well, that's pre-makeover Allison.Post-makeover Allison looks like that dumb twat Peaches Geldof.


Scrunchy Face
Ty from Tyland: In my vehement disapproval of her squeamishness during the make-over session, I had forgotten how incredibly boring she is to look at. Tisk. She sucks as much as Sutan’s scarf doesn’t.
The Mayor: This bitch is Ambien-CR.

London
Ty from Tyland: What would Jesus do if during only the 2nd episode he started to blend into the background and lose all the quirky and fresh faced optimism that made him unique? Answer: the sauce (and a new headband).
The Mayor: Or Blatant Christian Predjudice! That's the surefire way to remind people that "I'm here! I hate Queers!....I also hate Abortions, Feminism, the Liberal Media, and Religions to which Jesus isn't the sole focus!"

Nijah
Ty from Tyland: According to Tyra, Njiah needs ‘coffee with extra cream’ to help wake up her eyes. I’m quite sure that nijah of her eyes would do anything but remain asleep if she slept with a Mulatto, which thanks to mainstream television is the only meaning I have attached to the term ‘needs coffee with extra cream.’
The Mayor: When I think of 'coffee with extra cream' I think of something I agreed to do with a guy one time but regretted shortly thereafter. Kidding! If I wrote something like that, nijah my parents would speak to me.

Tahlia
Ty from Tyland: Is Burny McScarsington a little too insensitive as a moniker? Yes? I’m a dick? Really? Well, by the looks of her scrotalicious tranny photo, you won’t have to put up with it for very long.
The Mayor: You know what I'm getting sick of? Tahlia is all like "Boo hoo, poor me. I can't model to my full potential because people are put-off by my scars!" Um, no. Let's put it this way: even if homegirl had skin as smooth as Nicole Kidman's Botoxed-to-Hell-and-Back forehead, she STILL wouldn't get work. Why? Because she has a shitty body and a Soccer Mom face! There, I said it! Also, I hate when people hop up on their soapbox and are like "I want to model because I'm _____ and I want to show other girls with ____ that it's okay to have ____". Fools, you picked the wrong career for that shit! Modeling isn't about being a good role model; it's about being coked out of your mind and starving yourself down to 2oz in hopes that Karl Lagerfeld pays you $300 to be a walking hanger.

Sandra
Ty from Tyland: Is she going to evade her taxes and kill vampires now?
The Mayor: I can't top that.

Kortnie
Ty from Tyland: She looked as lost as I feel when trying to believe that she’s still on the show. Her make-over only cranked up the ‘how many beers it would take a 14 year old to call her ‘jugs’ in the K-Mart line’ question. I’m going with three.
The Mayor: Kortnie is supposed to be plus-sized, right? Because if that's true, then I might just go home and eat the contents of a Tylenol PM bottle. Also, I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that Kortnie owns at least 4 pieces of Ed Hardy apparel.

Aminat
Ty from Tyland: She deserves her plummet. Perhaps the loss of her ‘fro, which Miss J. used to make an excellent Robin Williams suit out of, sapped the vibrant professionalism that was smeared across her opening week performance with as much consistency as a turd in a diaper. Someone get Mr. Cool J. on the line for next week.
The Mayor: I agree. She was amazing before, but that broke-ass wig looks like it came from the Kim Zolciak collection.

Fo Freckles
Ty from Tyland: Do freckles always = cute? Does that mean that Morgan Freeman is cute and should be given an awful Fresh Prince’s girlfriend (Lisa? Was that her name?) haircut? I’m glad she’s till around – too many blacxican discussions left.
The Mayor: Yes! Nia Long played Lisa! And Tyra played Jackie. Tyra is clearly trying to re-create the cast of Fresh Prince through ANTM. OMG! I just had a massive epiphany! Wouldn't it be SO RAD if they had a Fresh Prince-themed photoshoot? Or like, a 90's Television show photoshoot? I'm getting ahead of myself, but how cool would it be to re-create Blossom or Full House??

Jessica
Ty from Tyland: ‘That’s an ugly photo’ – apparently her fortune telling is as poor as her modeling. Good luck dating professional coke-mules in South Beach.
The Mayor: Don't worry, we'll see more of Jessica in the future (...when she takes it all off for Playboy en Español).

Ty from Tyland: Truth or dare featuring models in their underwear? Sure. I guess that’s cool, but I hope the editors don’t skimp on the Miss J.’s Charm School footage. That shit is gold for my posture.

The Mayor: I could really care less about them playing Truth or Dare because they are all soooo boring. All of the dares will be like "I dare you to jump in the pool with your clothes on!!!!" rather than "I dare you to drink 10 shots of whiskey and spend 7 minutes in the bathroom with an open bottle of paint thinner!!!" And I agree with Ty on the Charm School footage; I learn my best moves from Miss J and his fabulous shashay.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!!