Picnicface!!

First things first, remember back to Friday when I said that I might have some big news today? The big news is that I was asked by VICE magazie to write for their blog. I know! Whoever thought that the littlest shitstorm that could (The Skip-Raid) could help me to get a job. Anyways, that's my big news. I haven't written anything yet, so when I do, you know I will be pimping it out like a shiny new hooker on the ho stroll. Moving on - I actually have a post for you today.

Okay, so in general, I'm not a fan of Sketch Comedy. It's just so degrading; everyone is making those stupid "get it??" faces the whole time and laughing at cryptic inside-jokes that the audience wouldn't get even if they were there when the joke was created. Ugh, and don't get me started on Improv; watching improv is sadder than watching a sack full of puppies get run over by Hitler's car.

However.

I LOVE Picnicface. And yes, I am fully aware that they are considered a 'sketch troupe'. EW! Don't you shudder at the word troupe?!? It's so lame! Anyways, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, bokay. So Picnicface is alright with me. They are based out of Halifax (a place I wants to move very badly) and make funny videos for YouTube. Also, if you're Canadian and over the age of 20, you might recognize one of the members; that's right, it's Andy from Street Cents!! And if you're American, and didn't get that reference at all?. No worries, I'm gonna try to do a Street Cents post sometime soon to explain it. It was a great show. Maybe I'll also throw in some Jonovision too.

Anyways, Picnicface has made a tonne of videos, so I have tried to narrow it down to a few of my favourites. These are the ones I could watch over and over again. The videos below are all dedicated to Joey (who introduced me to Powerthirst), Ilana (who lived in Halifax and went to see them all the time), and Nathan and Stephanie (who know how teary-eyed I get when I think about how much Hey Africa! we used to watch). I've also listed what I think are some of the funniest lines from each, so if you don't have time to watch each clip (dick) then you can use my handy Quotable-Quotes to replace all your outdates Borat phrases. Enjoy!


Powerthirst
This is the one that really started it all, I guess, and with good reason - it's hilarious. You've probably seen this 20 times, but in the off-chance that you haven't, here it is.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Sound the alarm - you're going to be UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC."
"These aren't your dad's puns...these are energy puns. TURBOPUNS!"


Powerthirst 2: Re-Domination
This is the follow-up to the very successful Powerthirst (see above, dumbass). Anyways, is this one funnier? Please see the joke about Crystal Meth (you know that I can't pass up a good meth joke).
Quotable-Quotes:
"You've had the worst, now have the thirst....quencher!"
"JUICE SPRINGSTEEN!"
"Powerthirst: it's like Crystal Meth in a can! It's Crystal Meth in a can! Powerthirst is Crystal Meth."


NFL Crunchtime
I must have watched this one the most out of any Picnicface video. Although I have a very hard time convincing people that NFL Crunchtime is funny; I usually get blank stares. Maybe they just don't get all the prison rape jokes or the Shawshank references.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Does that jersey come in mens? Does that face come in mens? Does your mom come in mens? (I wanna sex your dad)"
"The Tennis Crotch"
"Time to switch pee with your maid. Better hope she had a background check. Arriba! Am I right? GIMME YOUR PEE, ROSA!" "J'ess, meester muscles"
"Or assert yourself and become the rapist. You're a big guy, you played football. Take advantage of that"
"Ask the warden's wife if she wants to ride the pony-snake all the way to Tunatown. If she doesn't answer immediately, she wants it. Or she doesn't know where Tunatown is."


Hey Africa!
I will admit - this one take a while to get to the joke, and even then, the joke starts to get a little sour. I don't make it all the way to the end (but I don't think I should hold it against them). I'd say that on any given day of the week, I usually have the Hey Africa! song stuck in my head.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Heyyyyyy Africa! Cheetas? Scary?"
"Heyyyyyy Africa! What about a little puma?"
"Africa...still curious about this puma."


Real Zone!
I want to marry Mark so bad. I would also marry Kyle in a pinch. I wouldn't marry Andy because he's not my type. So I'm really hoping Mark (or to a lesser extent, Kyle) doesn't come down with the Super-AIDS anytime soon.
Quotable-Quotes:
"The first time I saw a digital camera, I was like whaaaaaaaaat is this? Real."
"I wrote it to accommodate Andy Bush's racism!"
"Your voice goes lower when you talk about Asians cause you hate them so much!"
"I'm going to go hate more Asians."


Women in Comedy
I hate when people try to make a statement about women not making funny comedians. IT'S TRUE! We're terrible at stand-up! There have only been, like, 5 that don't make me ashamed to be a lady (and I'm counting Silverman as 3 people here). So this sort of plays off that. Because it's true - Evany and 'The Other One' are mostly just filler. Picnicface should have just gone the Kids in the Hall route and bought some wigs and dresses and done the lady parts themselves (Mark can do my ladyparts. HEY-O!)
Quotable-Quotes:
"Aw shit man, that's why they call you the Bone Wolf!"
"It's a boom mic." "It's a bang mic."
"Guess who...your period!"


Halifax
This one doesn't have a solid, funny-throughout vibe, but it does have select spots that are very clever. For example: making fun of the Halifax explosion.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Splodey! I'm tragidorable! A dig-dig-dig-dig-tragedy!"
"Halifax is a SEX KNIGHT!"
"Halifax's favourite A-Team character was VAN."


He Totally Jewed Me
How do you top an inappropriate joke about 'jewing' someone? With an even more offensive joke about pedophilia. Very uncomfortable to watch (except for that joke at the end - amazing).
Quotable-Quotes:
"That is horse SHIT"
"Soooooo...he gave me the green light."
"Answer me these questions three. Question the first: will I diddle you? Question two and three: refer to question one."


Lawyers
I don't love this one, but you need to watch it in order to get the context of the joke below.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Poor? I'll sue poverty, give you the money, take the money as my fee, put you back on the streets."
"Fuck Away!"


Larry Rosen Bonus Footage
Goddamn, this whole sketch is an entire Quotable-Quote. There isn't anything not funny about it. My sister and I went to a massive garage sale on Saturday and one of the guys running it was shouting like Shuck Johnson - it was amazing. He kept yelling about the amazing deals and who bought what and was rhyming it all.
Quotable-Quotes:
"I gotta give a shout-out to my man Larry! Thanks for picking me up off the street, Larry!"
"Taste my meat-fingers of justice! Wheelbarrows of fuck-money finger-justice, all for you!"
"If the truth hurts, then call me the truth...huh huh ho."
"I'll sue the paint off your overalls, Murphy Brown's in-house lover!"

If you should die before you wake...

Hey, you remember that Clown Bed that Homer made for 2-year-old Bart on The Simpsons?

Yeah! That one! Now, don't get me wrong - that's the creepiest bed I've ever seen, especially since I have a crippling fear of clowns (and no, smartass, I've never seen It). But you know what's just-as-creepy, not-as-quoted from that episode?? Grandma Flanders wandering the halls and screetching at Bart "Can ya help me with mah psalms?!?" Anyways, have you ever reminiced about the Clown Bed and thought "If only someone would make it much, much more visually, soul-shakingly distrubing..."

Tah-dah! Jesus hears your prayers and he answers them - PROOF. This picture was sent to me by a long-time reader (a-thank you) and when I saw it, I actually recoiled a little. That face - Santa Maria! It's like Bart's bed mated with Salad Fingers. That poor cat - imagine its jagoff owners? I can only imagine (judging solely on the bed and the shitty half-plastered wall behind it) that they are two complete shroom-head Juggalos. How do I know this? I dunno - I'm just judgemental I guess.

Anyways, I felt like I needed a little preamble first to hype yo asses up. There won't be a post tomorrow at all; the next post (a good one) will be Monday. Just like my sister noted a few days ago, I haven't been updating much this week (especially with all thet Jon & Kate escandalo business) but I have a VERY GOOD REASON for this, which I will announce on Monday. Get ready for it kids! You will be pumped, I promise. Very big news.

Okay, that's it. Git off mah lawn!

- The Mayor

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 1

Well! We're back again, for the 3rd time EVER! Canada's Next Top Model is like a Leap-Year - it only happens every 4 years, and when it does, it's pretty uneventful. Anyways, if you are Canadian, then you will get 100% of the jokes in these CNTM posts. And if you're American? Well - you might need to refer to any of my Canada vs. America guides, because this shit is chock-full of Canadiana. JK - it's mostly just filled with crappy SEARS-grade models and too much Jay Manuel. Okay, so first off, I think I need to stress what The Cycle 3 girls are up against:
Yep, that's CNTM Cycle 1 winner Andrea Muizelaar. Stiff competition, am I right? All they need to do is avoid eating an entire bag of Oreos before bed each night and I think they can easily surpass Andrea in terms of success and booking jobs. I wish I could say that this picture is a tragic victim of my piss-poor photoshop skills, but sadly - this is a current picture. Yipes. Anyways, let's talk turds!

The Mayor: "Thousands and thousands of girls applied" - so, like, 2000 then?

Ty: Yep. High schools are bigger than that. Man...there's some bad ass skin in this set.

The Mayor: I know! I hope one of the challenges involves Proactiv. Holy shit, how old is that woman in the hood? 40?

Ty: I think she's lost...she was probably the cleaning lady from the building just out for a smoke. Why can't this frog have a right-on lumberjack accent? That would be hot; like....je suis le poutine.
The Mayor: I love poutine. I also love Boris beers. NOLÉ!!!!! Fuck yes, you know I love me some Nolé!!!! Wait - braces??? Did you see braces? YES!!!! 80'S GLAMOUR!!! This is the photoshoot Jesus will give me in Heaven.

Ty: Is someone shooting this on their digital camera? The film looks rather Cancon’esque. I feel like they might sell 'cancon' film in film stores.

The Mayor: I have already made three good comparisons.
Jill looks like a Hooters girl:

Linsey looks like a broke-ass Rumer Willis:
The Mayor: And Rebeccah looks like the picture you would find in an antique locket from Value Village:
Also, I made a note of their "occupations" and here is the breakdown:

Ty: K. I'm ready for a lot of 'students'

The Mayor: Sales/Retail (4), Student (5), Receptionist (2). OMG - this bitch is terrible.

Ty: Who's this one? The blondo?

The Mayor: Jill is porn porn porn. She handles that snake like it’s a dick.

Ty: I feel like I could convince her that the secret to modeling is hidden down my pants.

The Mayor: Maryam is like Wynona Ryder. I LOVE THAT WOLF!! I would be snuggling it's brains out.

Ty: K, so I am predisposed to hate Meaghan...just a warning.

The Mayor: Meaghan needs to get rid of those mouf-tracks. Nikita is terrible.
Ty: 'It's a snake honey' - sounds like being 15 again

The Mayor: Tara doesn't get what the hell is going on. Alexandra looks like a broke mob wife.Rebecca is a hipster wet dream. She's like a lady Robert Smith.

Ty: When someone says 'specific type of model' doesn't that mean ugly?

The Mayor: It means "good luck trying to get work". Does that bobcat have 1 eye?

Ty: Maybe it's trying to wink at Nigel.

The Mayor: I'd like to wink at Nigel...with my brown eye! EW.

Ty: EWWWW! (if you can do that, you don't need to be broke...ever)

The Mayor: Whatever - don't act like you wouldn't let Nigel go downtown.

Ty: Ummm....I suppose you're right. So....this Linsay chick has at least a scrot...

The Mayor: Oh for sure - there's a wiener down there.

Ty: Maybe the balls are gone, but there's some 'man' around her can.

The Mayor: Heather? Bokay...

Ty: Heather has a Nicole Kidman thing going on.

The Mayor: They're staying at the Soho Met? BROKE!

Ty: I have a better view from my deck

The Mayor: I have a better view from my toilet. Whoah - that's the gayest mural of Jay. My friend Ilana just texted me "Free sample-sizes of Pantene - I must be a super star or sumptin!" AHHHHH I LOVE SEALS!!1!!! I WANT IT!!

Ty: Turn down the chick.

The Mayor: This is the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen. Ebonie just needs to move to Brampton already and work at Old Navy.

Ty: Ohhhh....here's the fashion shoot. This looks like a tourism video.

The Mayor: "We got an email on the LG laptop! Come - gather round on our Leon's kitchen table! Oh my god! Look at this pleather-faux-gator handbag from Winners!!"

The Mayor: "Where are dey? On da turd floor?" Someone's gotta work on that GTA accent.

Ty: That one photoshoot at the beginning was it?

The Mayor: There better be good judges.

Ty: Jeanne rules. I enjoy her work.

The Mayor: Jeanne Beker - ugh, she is like a brunette Kathy-Lee Gifford. Or like, a brunette Kristen Wiig doing Kathy-Lee Gifford. She's always talking in that stupid cougar-diction. Is Heather wearing jean shorts? Ugh. Barf.

Ty: Jorts? She's dressed like one of my students. Meaghan looks like the best looking girl left over at the end of a post high school party that I guess I'll try to make out with but only cause I'm eight sheets to the wind and bored.

The Mayor: ...you'd make out with one of your students? Perv!!! Maryam's is good - she will be around for a bit. Jill needs to get a couple pairs of Spanx. Her Life Goal is to be one of George Clooney's cocktail-waitress girlfriends.

Ty: And have him fall asleep on top of her.

The Mayor: That's my dream too.

Ty: Well....I should admit I've thought about.

The Mayor: That doesn’t make you gay. That makes you human.

Ty: So who's going home? Clare Huxtable?

The Mayor: Hhmmm...I dunno. Heather has the personality of an expired condom. Jill is straight-up FHM

Ty: Rebbehakaakja or however you say it looks like the chick from the band 'St.Vincent'. Look that shit up. Tiffany needs to go home and be with her love child.

The Mayor: Linsey is the Celia of CNTM - old-ass memaw.

Ty: Yes – agreed, and therefore I hate her. And why isn't there a fucking D in her name?

The Mayor: Cause she's a turd-sammy? OOOhhh - who's going home?!?!

Ty: K - Tiffany is my bet…and I won't let you forget that you thought she would be top three for a couple seconds.

The Mayor: I want Tiffany to be my stylist. PS - Jill definitely has a BF who is into Triple A Hockey or Lacrosse (aka The Sport of Date Rapists)

Ty: I would put it at about 80% that she's boned a Lindros.

Email from my sister:

guuuuurl wtf is your problem
you should be writing daily now!!!!!
here are some topics since you are too dum dum and lazy wazy to think of any
1. jon and kate plus 8 season premier = you watched it right?
2. centreville
3. how poor you are
4. how smelly you are
5. how single you are
6. hahah
7. kidding
8. you know i wuv woo
9. but seriously start posting more than once a week, sharpen your skilllz

My Favourite Tings

Well, for this week at least. My tastes change with the seasons; I know, I'm fickle. Anyways, like Oprah, I love to give back to the community. Oprah gives out Ugg boots and DVD players, I give out STDs and hush money. Jokes! I'm a saintly-little-angel who no longer has crotch crickets.

So anyways, here are the things that are ruling my life this week. The fun part about this is you get to peek into how ghetto my life is. Enjoy!

Ever since I got clean and sober from Diet Coke (I have since fallen off the wagon several times, by the by) I have needed something cold, refreshing, and not booze to replace Sweet Liquid Brown. Goddamn have I found it - Stewarts Key Lime. Now, you probably know Stewarts as the company who makes the delicious old tymey root beer and orange cream sodas, but those are for trick-ass hos.

Depending on where you live, Summer is right around the corner, which means it's high-time someone put some meat in my buns!!! The bad news is, I'm a BBQ Wet Blanket - I HATE hamburgers, and hot dogs are usually out of the question (one time I ate a package of 8 raw wieners and I had chest pains for days, so it pretty much ruined it for me). Instead I usually opt for the Yves veggie wieners which gives me all the delicious snouts-n-assholes taste I have come to love without the excruciating chest pains.

One of my favourite animals is the Squirrel. They are soft and funny and so goddamned happy it kills me. Plus, they love to put nuts in their mouth which makes them OK in my books. Anyways, I have really started to hone in on my squirrel-whispering skills (as you can see in this picture). I can lure them without anything in my hands; it's as if just being near my gentle, soothing voice is enough for them. One day I will get one to sit in my hand and I will pet it. I will also pray to Jesus that the squirrel doesn't bite me because squirrels have diseases and eat dogpoo and I don't want none of that business.

COFFEE MATE HOLLA!!!!!! At our office we usually have cream in the fridge for our coffee, but sometimes someone will go to Costco (big ups to Justine!) and pick up the mammoth drum of white powdie. I'm salivating just thinking about it. I have put Coffee Mate in almost everything: coffee, tea, chai lattes (made with The Mate), hot chocolate, a cheap yogurt flavouring, and one time (when I was very very poor and all I had was Coffee Mate) I mixed it into a mug of boiling water and drank it like steamed milk. I AM NOT ABOVE THIS.

I hate Flippy Floppies. I know it's cool and hipster-y to hate on Flip-Flops, but I really really don't like wearing them. My feet always get blisters and the soles get so damn filthy. But. I did get a pair of these ugly-ass beige/skin coloured ones from Old Navy, and they are gross as the day is long and I LOVE THEM. They make me look like Amy Winehouse trolling the streets of Camden shoeless.


Of course I can't have a Favourite Things post without showing a couple of YouTube clips. The first comes courtesy of my sister, Alex, who I firmly believe was Black in a past life. She has very curly hair, she sucks her teeth a lot, she knows a lot about movies like Baby Boy and Booty Call. Plus, she did see Norbit in theatres.


I really really want to marry this guy. I'm serious.

The Skip-Raid Interviews Jonathan Goldstein

Today we're sitting with one of my favourite writers and humorists, Jonathan Goldstein. If you're American, then you will know him from NPR's This American Life and if you are Canadian you know him from CBC Radio 1's Wiretap. Either way, he has a new book out called Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! Our sincerest thanks for being a great sport and answering all my Qs.

Full name: Jonathan Goldstein

Occupation: Writer, radio producer

Where you live: Montreal

Do you mind that I shorten the title of your book, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! to LAGTB?
Lag Tuberculosis. Go right ahead.

I heard you read the “David and Goliath” section of LAGTB on Wiretap and it was very funny. When I bought the book I went home thinking “This is going to be high-larious”.
I hope it was. Seriously. I’ve read Robert Altman say that if someone's not seen one of his movies, he always feels up for screening it just for them, to watch them watch it with virgin eyes. I’d love to watch someone reading the book and asking them what they thought was funny every time they laughed. Or even snorted.

On the reverse cover of LAGTB, David Sedaris gives you some pretty lofty praise, calling you “the funniest and most original writers I can think of”. May I ask you why, after reading that, you didn’t up and leave your wife for him? I’m not saying you have to force yourself to be gay, I’m just saying it wouldn’t kill you to pretend if it meant getting with Sedaris.
David Sedaris is gay?

Do you ever get jealous of Ira Glass’ Jewwy good looks?
I’m too beautiful to live, but he is, too. And he’s taller. And such a head of hair! Here comes the pain…

I don’t know if you read Amazon reviews, but I do (I love them) and, in general, your book Lenny Bruce is Dead has very positive reviews. Although I did find one person who hated it and wrote:

“This book was not funny or interesting. It is sort of like those columns Larry King used to write..... I want a pastrami sandwich,.....isn't the Godfather a great movie,..........I remember when the Yankees won all the time....”

You have to admit, that’s pretty funny.
My dad can be a very funny guy. Funny and cruel.

Your beard looks fantastic, by the by. Do you ever put on black Wayfarers and pretend to be MC Bedbugs (Joaquin Phoenix)?
I think Joaquin Phoenix pretending to be Joaquin Phoenix is more than enough for everyone.

In the Wiretap episode “Fake It Until You Make It”, you get into an argument with a fact-checker over a radio interview you did. Do you understand how neurotic that made me?
No. Are you a fact-checker? I just read Dan Baum refer to New Yorker fact-checkers as being like soldier ants. In a good way.

It’s not easy to interview a writer because you keep second-guessing yourself “Is this question too lame?”
Not at all. Wait, what’s the question?

Do I come off sounding like a goon?
You sound nice.

When is the last time you really second-guessed yourself around someone cooler than you?
I second guess myself all the time. Third and fourth, too. Even while I’m first guessing myself. Even right now. And now. I’m sure you’re way cooler than me, I mean, look at me— I’m a complete mess.

In the same Wiretap episode you are interviewed for an oral report by your nephew Zak. This is a two-part question, I suppose. Do you really have a nephew Zak?
Define “really” and “nephew.”

Are Zak and Jake from Two and a Half Men the same person?
I’ve only watched that show a couple times. Are Zak and Jake the two men of the two and half men equation? Oh…. And you’re wondering if it’s like the fight club? Where one is hallucinating the other? Or maybe the little boy is hallucinating them both and really he lives in a Chechnyan orphanage. That would be so awful. It would make an interesting final episode, though.

Have you seen the trailer for the film Year One? You should try to piggyback LAGTB on its success like a remora on a shark.
I have seen it, and it looks so incredibly funny that I find it painful to watch. Maybe I could stand outside the theatre with copies of the book, looking like a Hare Krishna.

What is your one sacred cow, the one thing you won’t dare make fun of?
Someone else’s real pain.

A regular feature on The Skip-Raid is when we play the game Do, Date, or Dump with popular television shows or movies. And, like it or not, we’re playing it now (with some familiar CBC Radio 1 faces). Please cite why you have chosen either ‘do’, ‘date’, or ‘dump’ for each person:
Do, Date, or Dump:

Andy Barrie
Andy Barrie’s gay?

Stuart McLean
Do. It would be so folksy. I’m imaging it taking place during a hay ride.

Randy Bachman
Do then dump the instant he started talking about coming up with the riff for “No Sugar Tonight.”

You grew up in both Montréal and Brooklyn , but you are neither a French-Canadian Tam-Tams Juggler, nor Rosie Pérez. How did that happen?
My father is from Brooklyn. My mother is from Montreal.

What is your favourite animated show on TV right now?
I always have to say The Simpsons. But I love South Park, too. And I was sad to hear King of the Hill is going off the air. It can also sometimes be great.

What's the last fight you got into?
I was walking home from work a couple of weeks ago and some drunk guy on the street threw a can of Coke at me and we both stopped and yelled at each other chest to chest. He was obviously wandering around looking for a fight. It was really weird. You learn a lot about yourself in such situations. I knew it was stupid to be allowing this crazy person make a stupid decision for us both, but at the same time, I felt like if I backed down I’d regret it. So I stood there taunting him and at a certain point it became clear to me he wasn't going to throw the first punch. This emboldened me and I started calling him out more. At a certain point I realized he wasn’t actually looking to hit someone so much as he was maybe looking to be hit. That wasn’t something I felt ready to do, though-- throw a first punch-- and in the end, I walked off and went into a Mexican restaurant and ate a plate of tacos and drank beer. I was intending to go home and have some leftover tofu stir fry but I passed the place and felt like I’d earned tacos. I ate them with gusto.

The best kind of people in Montréal / The worst kind of people in Montréal:
I don’t know if I’m equipped to answer this. I don’t get out much. But generally speaking I love people who indulge me.

This is Jonathan's newest book, LAGTB. It can be purchased at almost any book store or online, so honestly - you have no reason not to buy it. I'd give you mine, but, you know...then I'd be out $20.

Something I’ve never understood was the desire to meet an author and have them sign their own book. It’s like if someone brought you a bottle of wine and you asked them to sign the label. Do you think it’s cheesy, or do you get flattered when someone approaches you with a copy of Schmelvis and a Sharpie?
I always get flattered. And a little embarrassed.

In other news…I see that you will be in Toronto as part of your book tour for LAGTB. Will you sign my copy of LAGTB? (Editor's Note: this was a week or two ago, so don't start saving your pennies and planning a road trip to Toronto).
I’m so sorry. I’m so late handing in these answers that I already met you and I did sign your book. Please think of me as the kid who gets extra time to hand in his test because he has some sort of deficit disorder.

Back in 2006, it seemed like more homes had copies of Lullabies for Little Criminals than they did the goddamned phone book. After much scoffing and plenty of snide comments like “pfft…why don’t I just go read The DaVinci Code” I finally read it. Wow. I’m an asshole. It’s a terrific book. Will you please apologize to Heather for me?
I don’t believe in making apologies for other people.

Your ideal sandwich:
A smoked meat sandwich at Schwartz’s. Man. It’s after midnight in Montreal and I’m wondering if it’s still open…

Programming Notice

Hey turds! There won't be a post tomorrow because it's a holiday here in Canada. It's called May Two-Four and it's the celebration of beer. Just kidding! It's Victoria Day, but it's nickname is May 2-4 because it falls on May 24th, and Canadians love drinking, so we celebrate the long weekend with beers and fireworks. It's already Sunday afternoon, so I need to get started on a case of Molsons and rigging up some illegal fireworks, so I'll see you all back on Tuesday.

Sidebar - on Tuesday there will be an AMAZING post, so make sure to get sober by then and come back.

Peace!

I think I outed my neighbor's cat.

Last night I went for an extended bike ride on the Beach. I know. I live on a Beach. Koo-ROO-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo-kooooo...

Drink it in, ponies. This is my backyard. Anyways, as I pulled my bike into my walkway, I noticed something furry on my neighbors lawn. Since my neighbor and I share a front lawn, I didn't think it would be illegal or bad form to step on over and investigate. As it turns out, my neighbor keeps her cat on a harness that is attached to a leash that is attached to her porch so that he can go outside without getting hit by cars or stolen by the Welfare trash that live in the apartment building across the street from our houses (it's common knowledge that poor people like to keep lots of cats as a cheap alternative to heating their homes in the winter). He's on a leash, and looks fairly docile, so I dropped my bike like a little kid on the sidewalk and went over to say hello. He is very cute - pudgy and light grey and white, with huge brown eyes. He let me pet him without biting me or scratching, so I decided we could be friends. All of a sudden I hear a voice from the front door say:

"You better watch out, he's vicious".

Oh shit! I'm gonna get my ass tore up, either by the cat or the owner who wants me off her lawn and away from her property (kitty). But she came out on the porch and was smiling and followed up with "someone's made a new friend!!"

Praise Jesus, I don't need to make enemies with my neighbors. We talked for a bit, and she let me hold him (which was ADORABLE! You know when a cat goes limp because it doesn't want to be held? He was like holding a pile of wet clothes from the laundry). She told me he was a rescue and that he's about 8 years old, but the vets aren't sure. He came with the name Kitty and he responded to it, so she decided not to change it. It's nice getting to know your neighbors over cats on leashes. Now here's where the story gets fun.

She's telling me all kinds of stuff about Kitty (like that he used to be feral and now isn't and how he's neutered and declawed - always very good to know) and then mentions that Kitty even has a girlfriend. CUTE! Apparently, Kitty's girlfriend looks just like him, but smaller, and has a little purple collar with little "diamonds" on it. She comes to the door and waits for Kitty and and meows till he is let out. Usually Kitty and his Girlfriend play on the lawn or on the porch. One time she came outside to see Kitty and his Girlfriend just sitting on the grass, staring into each other's kitty-cat-eyes. But Kitty's been sad because his little girlfriend hasn't come over lately. She's worried that something might have happened to her. Kitty is lonesome without her. Awwwww.....

Wait a second. Purple diamond collar? Little tabby? Ruh-roh; that sounds like my old roomate's cat Ricky. Ricky, who is most certainly a little boy cat.

"Uh, so you haven't seen the cat in...what, like 4 months? Almost like it just up and left in the middle of the night?" I asked.

"Yes! It was the strangest thing! One day she was over, and the next we can't find any trace of her!"

"Oh. Kitty's girlfriend was my old roomate's cat, Rick. Kitty's girlfriend was a dude." And I SWEAR TO GOD the cat gave me this exact same look:


I got cut-eye from a cat. He was like "You sold me out, bitch. That shit is cold." God damn, I'm sorry! I didn't know your Mom didn't know you were into guys! My bad! You should have been more discrete homeboy - told Ricky to leave his collar at the door or something. Anyways, he's pissed, and I'm pretty sure I saw a little suitcase outside on the porch this morning and a bus driving up from one of those Pray-out-the-Gay camps in the States. See you in September, Kitty!

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 11: In like a lion, out like a soggy french fry

Well well well, after eleven weeks we finally crown Miss America's Next Unemployed Aspiring Model, and wow...let's talk about the elephant in the room, shall we? No, not Tyra; that's mean! Tyra is definitely not a massive, egotistical cow hell bent on getting close enough to Oprah to poison her food or smother her while she sleeps in order to usurp her position as the HBIC of daytime TV. No, the elephant in the room that was the sheer agony of last night's final episode. It was SO CRIMINALLY BORING. Oh my god, did you not feel like you were watching a movie where you know the ending already. It's like watching Citizen Kane and every time they say Rosebud you go "It's a sled...Rosebud is a fucking sled".

But I will say this; I do not long for the days of the 2-hour ANTM finale. Remember those circle jerks? Ugh, so long - it was like ANTM: The Movie. The person in charge of making the executive decision to cut the finale down to 60 minutes: there is a muffin basket in heaven with your name on it.

So the first 1/2 hour gave us the inevitably terrible CoverGirl commercials. But what's that, you say? There's not nearly enough testosterone?? Bring in everybodies favourite Mixed Martial Arts-loving She-Hulk, Dyke-ee McKey! Oh McKey - when will you spring for some Skills in Reading Off Cue-Cards 101 lessons from Kumon?


Of course, 8:29pm is the time when Aminat was sent packing. Sadly, I couldn't feel sorry for her - I was too busy noticing the startling comparison between herself and Sandra Bernhart (well, you know...save for the obvious difference between the two). They even have the gap-toothed smile and everything! Also, there were rumors floating around all season that Aminat is less of a Hot Dog and more of a Taco kinda girl, which - unless my gaydar is broken - I didn't really pick up on. Oh wells, if it's true, then call up Sandra Bernhart girl! Everybody wants to date their double!



And the last 1/2 hour gave us several minutes of unsolicited slow-mo footage of a bunch of greasy bony lizards. WTF? Where did they find those models? Craigslist Erotic Services? Got dayum. In the words of Kanye West: THAT WAS SOME HEXXUS FROM FERN GULLY SHIT!!!

Anyways, time to talk about the bottom two (and I mean bottom, as in barrel). I thought it might be fun to rehash what Ty and I thought of the final two back in the day when we were first introduced to them. My, how far they've come (...well, not really that far. It's hard to crawl up from rock bottom).

Allison
He Said: If this blood obsessed gothic porcelain doll looking thing is the best that Tyra and company can do then someone needs to shut this thing down and put this girl in a museum.
She Said: Ugh, this bitch is hurting for a makeover. I had that same haircut in Grade 10. I have a feeling that Allison will be gone-zo in the first or second week; she just looks so boring. I refuse to donate any more time talking about her for fear my brain will atrophy.
Where We Right? Hayull Naw! I predicted that she would be back to the Lemur den weeks ago. Turns out it takes 11 weeks to get back to your furry little family.


Teyona
He Said: When your hairline starts on the top of your scalp, modeling should be further down the list of things to do than a) get plugs and b) hide under large rock.
She Said: Can we check this one for a penis? Kthanks.
Where We Right? Wow, we were so wrong. Not only was Teyona the least manly (ahem...Tahlia) but she turned out to be the winner. Guess what kids? Don't judge a book by it's cover. Judge it by it's crappy, haphazard modeling skills.

But will this be the last we see of Allison and Teyona? Probably not. We will get to see Teyona at least 3 more times: on the back-cover of Seventeen (they always do that dual-cover with a decent star on the front and then that "flip over to see ANTM Winner Teyona!" on the back), in that one CoverGirl ad she shot on the show (which will be in the same Seventeen she's in, natch) and then countless times on Cycle 13 where she will show up with McKey and Whitney (who need the work) and host a pitiful challenge. Allison, on the other hand...

If she's lucky! She's gonna have to impress the hell out of the Forever 21 marketing staff, because I'm sure they've already booked Natalie and Kortnie. Don't worry Allison; you were a hit on 4Chan - if you work hard enough, and get creepy enough, you might just land your very own profile on Suicide Girls. Your mother must be beaming with pride right now!

Speaking of people we won't see ever again...did y'all hear that Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah got the old "don't let the door hit ya where the good lawd split ya"? I know! Bish is the only reason I watch stick around for judging cause homegirl is straight-up NASTY. She's like Regina from Mean Girls, but with 1000x more silent red-hot hatred. According to Paulina, she was given the boot because Tyra was trying to cut the fat. MUST NOT MAKE OBVIOUS TYRA WEIGHT GAIN JOKE. But does that mean it will just be Tyra, Miss J, and Nigel on panel? That's no fun. Nigel is fun to look at, but that's really all he's good for. Miss J holds down this show, plus he's BFFFTTSHA with Tyra (best fucking friends forever, till Tyra shanks his ass) so you know his job is safe in these unstable economic times. Will they bring in a new Supermodel judge? Here's an idea to make the show less sleepy-time tea:

BRING BACK JANICE DICKINSON

I know, it will never happen. But one can dream, right? Also, we're not out of the woods yet kids! Canada's Next Top Model Cycle 3 airs on Tuesday, May 26th at 8pm and you KNOW I'm going to be covering that train wreck! If you have no idea what Canada's Next Top Model is like, let me break it down for you. ANTM + Jay Manuel - (Any Shred of Decency x Very Low Production Values) + Girls Who Can't Even Book SEARS = CNTM. Hooray! I can hardly wait!!!

Dear Mom

I'm sorry I grabbed the assumed-shadow-wiener at Alex's art show. You know I just can't help it when I see stuff like that! And honestly - that silhouette was asking for it. I'm thankful that humor isn't a recessive gene.

XOXO
The Mayor

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 10: THE FINAL FOUR

I’m afraid to say that today’s ANTM post will be a one-woman show this week, as Ty had to go to a meeting last night and returned home just in time for me to spoil who Tyra deported back to the good ol’ US of A. Sadly, you don’t get off so easy – you have to read through a whole post first! So let’s get this rick-rolling, shall we?

ANTM opened with Teyona gushing over her picture from last week. Newsflash girl, that picture ain’t shit; it’s you on a beach with a surf board. Get over yo’self. Secondly, what in Mrs. Roper hell was she wearing last night?? Who told her a caftan was a good idea??
Sutaaaaaaan…..? Was it you?

Celia, on age: "My biggest challenge is my age." Um yes, it is. And yet age isn’t one of those things you can fix, my dear, so start packing. Oh Celia – your life is just one, big senior moment, isn’t it? Speaking of Senior Moments, did you catch Celia trying to do the Hammer Dance in that grey jumpsuit? EPIC FAIL.

Okay, so Teyona, Aminat, Allison, and Gam-Gam get to go to a Samba class for their challenge. Whoever can awkwardly move their way through a dance/fake photo shoot best, wins. But really, there are no winners in this challenge.
Celia, while technically the winner, danced like she was on her 3rd glass of Manischewitz at her grandson’s wedding. Aminat was straight-up ROBBED, but honestly, those earrings were heeeedious, so she dodged a ruby-encrusted bullet. Allison looked like she was working the pole for the first time at Dr. Good-Time’s XXX Live Nude Revue. And Teyona? Welp…let’s just say I’m trying really, really hard not to make a joke about her disproving the theory that all black people are good dancers. She truly reminded me of when Ariel stands on her human legs for the first time.

Paulina, on Celia: "You are at an age that is like...is way old for modeling.” Oh Paulina; not only are you married to The Cars Rick Ocasek, you are also the most likeable bitch I have ever seen. Epic Life Win.

Aminat, on blatant foreshadowing: “I'm always the second runner up. I'm never the winner. It's really disheartening.” Ooooh, do I smell the winner of Cycle 12? Oh wait, no – that’s just my shoe. I must have stepped in dogshit.

The morning after the challenge, in which Celia gam-gamed herself to the gills (seriously. Could she have been any more Grey Gardens? Oh, and in case you were wondering: Big Edie, not Little) we have Sutan and the Gang waking the girls up by jumping into bed with them. How do I go about hiring Sutan to wake me up like this every morning?
Who’s been jumping in my bed? Sutaaaaaaan…..? Was it you?
After they hustle and flow’d them out of the house, they drove them to the shoot where Tyty Baby was waiting for them in a busted-ass car. Ugh, will someone give this woman an Oscar already? Her talent just keeps going ignored. How much longer does Tyra have to live in Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet’s shadow? But enough about crimes against raw, natural talent...why was Tyra there, you might ask? This is the week she shoots the girls! I know, move over Diane Arbus.

I’m really glad I don’t have any blind friends, because I cannot imagine how ridiculous I would sound describing the photo shoot to them.“Well…okay, so there’s a human-sized nest and each of the girls is like…a bird…or something. And they have lots of feathers, and their hair is really…um…messy? I guess. And they are all hunched up in this nest…and…aw fuck it, you wanna watch American Idol?”

Allison, on Tyra: “You’re really pretty.” The fuck? What are you, Regina from Mean Girls? “So you agree with me; you think you’re really pretty.” I actually felt embarrassed for Tyra. What the hell do you say to that? If I were her, I would be checking my kitchen for boiling pots with family pets in them. Fatal Attraction FTW.

Miss J, on Celia: "America's Next Top Mother.” Uh, you meant grandmother, right? Honest mistake.

Since I’m in a generous mood, and everything in Canada is all about the Olympics right now (we get the winter Olympics next year. Holla!) I’ve decided to announce this week’s standings, medal -style!
The Beautiful Gold goes to…Allison. Good job girl, you looked the most like a baby owl. Consider this a small victory.
The So-So Silver goes to…Teyona (which is funny cause I honestly thought she might be going home. Teyona just doesn’t do it for me).
The Shameful Bronze goes to…Aminat. Obvies she wasn’t going home – that girl has runway written all over her. The girl is like 7 feet tall – she’ll have no trouble getting work.

And the “Thanks for playing, see you never” Award goes to the Early Bird special herself…Celia! Gam-gam is going back to Shady Acres where the only posing she'll be doing is by the front door as she waits for Meals on Wheels. But don’t worry, dear friends; this doesn't mean her career is over – I could see her being very successful in the Ultramatic Bed catalogue industry. Give that bitch a Hoveround or a Jazzy and she’ll be hitting up Polident go-sees in no time!
Oh Celia. Thank you for being a friend. PS - of all the rude, offensive things I say on The Skip-Raid, can I tell you how apprehensive I was about photoshopping Celia's face over Bea Arthur's? I kept thinking "Ooh, this is bad. This is too soon. I should put her face on Rose's or something." RIP Bea - we're missing you down here.

But! You know what this means?? OMG WE’RE AT THE FINAL THREE!! Which means I get to predict who our Top 2 will be; this shit is like finding a $20 to me. Pure excitement. My guess is that Aminat will be given the third eye and that it will be a fight to the death between Manga Eyes and Ten Head. Who will win? Whose Cover Girl commercial will be a complete disaster? Who cares? Find out next week! Ty and I will both be back in full force, so mark the date on your calendar. See you in 7!

Shucks, I love this song.

Leave it to College Humor to create yet another hilarious song/parody. I know they have 1/2 hour on Tuesdays on Much Music, but can we not give them an hour on FOX or something? 60% of the time, College Humor is 100% funnier than SNL. Let's see if I can't find a few more to back up this aggressive claim...


For a pretty small website (well, small in the grand scheme of things) they have pretty immaculate production values.


Goddamn, I want to marry Amir. Also, whenn he raps, don't you get a Weird Al vibe? Me too!


I love the end of this one. Oh, He-Man...so gay.

What in the name of Paul Reubens is going on here?!?

Goddamnit, Rihanna, who put you up to this fuckery?? Was it that bitch who told you there's no basement at The Alamo? Was it those bad-ass bikers? Was it the lead singer from The Champs - best known for their hit Tequila???
WAS IT THAT BITCH CHAIRY?!?

I really feel that Jambi and his wish-granting skills are getting a bit lazy; surely he could have granted you a better outfit that this. Ugh, the only thing worse than this outfit would be if Rihanna exposed herself in a Sarasota XXX cinema. Hey-o! See what I did there? Nothing says current like a joke from 1991. Know what's totally bizarre? I can still remember that as a kid when Pee-Wee "pulled down his pants in a movie theatre". Naturally I was imagining Pee-Wee Herman himself, along with Pteri and The King of Cartoons sitting in the AMC watching Tim Burton's Batman with his pants down. In reality, it was a scruffy Paul Reubens watching porno with his pants down. I'm sorry, I don't get why he was arrested; isn't that what XXX cinemas are for? Pants-down fun-times?? Don't they have to do thorough sweeps every hour to make sure homeless men aren't sleeping in the theatres? Don't they give you samples of Lubriderm and Kleenex at the box office? Why were we surprised when we found him with his pants down during Beverly Hills Cock? Will someone please explain this to me?

And of course, I can't mention the "there's no basement at The Alamo" scene without actually posting at. Jan Hooks, you're my hero!!

MAXIMUM ADORABILITY!!1!

(Note: you NEED to watch this with the sound on)

This video contains graphic amounts of Shiba Inu cuteness, animated Japanese children, J-Pop set to the song from Dr. Mario, baseball, a dog in a raincoat, animal/human spooning, tearjerking drama, and a damaged NES. If you don't like any of the above, then we are not friends and I suggest you don't come back till you do.

Happy Monday, urrbods!