America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 4

The Mayor: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Ty: Indeed. I am 45 today!
The Mayor: Oh dear, Brittany might not be around by the end! Can you feel it? Are you getting that vibe? Ooooh, Sam Fine is like a broke-ass botoxed Benny Ninja
Ty: He is. Where is Benny Ninja Lava?

The Mayor: Concealer, bronzer, mascara, gloss? My 4 are Blush, blush, black eyeliner, pills. I need double the blush cause I am WHITE.
Ty: How do men end up makeup artists? Do they have a moment when their 14 and stealing their mom's coverup for a zit and then....presto they want to be around makeup?

The Mayor: Nigel and his wife? R U JELLIS?!?!?
Ty: I am. I'm jealous of their walls. And sheet. And toilet.
The Mayor: "Makeup is not about changing the way you look" - BISH PLZ. I use makeup to not look like a half-melted baby bird. Wow, I really like this Walmart challenge because, DARE I SAY IT, sometimes I have seen some good clothes at Walmart. I am white trash, it's in my blood. Racing around Walmart? Laura is going to shag-ass.
Ty: Laura is sharpening her elbows. Oh no! Laura! This was your dream!
The Mayor: SNAP. Laura is eliminated already?!?! She just made Middle America cry. Cry tears of gravy and grits. I wanna eat those tears
Ty: Tears that are on sale. Rollback tears
The Mayor: $2 or $3 tears. Okay, Erin is an asshole - I saw how she was throwin' them bows. Bitch is a bruiser

Ty: No one is surprised it was Tyra. If there's a chance for her to be the focal point, she'll take it. I'm surprised they haven't had a shoot where they model beside a life size cutout of Tyty

The Mayor: Tyra wishes every week was Tyra Plays Photographer week
Ty: DUH!
The Mayor: I'm surprised they haven't just called the show TYRA and it's a continuous loop of her posing. Kind of like how CITY-TV shows The Log on Christmas Day. 8 hours of The Log. It's mesmerizing


The Mayor: China Chow? That sounds like slang for Chinese food
Ty: Bad slang....like 80s mom slang
The Mayor: "Call up Mr. Pong's and get my ass some motherfucking china chow"
Ty: White suburban stoned gangsta slang. “You don't look completely present”. I'm going to use that on the dumb kids when they say 'present!' during roll call
The Mayor: I can imagine girls say that about you when they see you with your pants off. "You don't look completely present"

ASHLEY
The Mayor: Ashley's picture looks like something from an old 1984 Chatelaine magazine
Ty: Ewwww! Chatelaine! Cancon!
The Mayor: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ happening? How is Ashley skimming by? This is a damn dirty shame.
Ty: This was a power move on panel by Tyra

BIANCA
The Mayor: Bianca looks like Wesley Snipes' mom. Big Mamma Snipes
Ty: Big Mamma Snipes...bet she didn't do her taxes either
The Mayor: "Is Bianca the verb, and not the noun?" - Tyra, you probably didn't even get your damn GED.
Ty: did I just get a grammar lesson from Tyra?
The Mayor: Bianca looks SO much like an athlete! She's like the third William
William's sister. The one they keep in the basement

BRITTANY
The Mayor: Whoah! They should stop showing Brittany's body - she's making Holocaust survivor's weep
Ty: wet vag hug! I told you Brittany was good. You need to believe me more

ERIN
The Mayor: Erin...lawd....why is she crying? Get over it! This limo is like a fucking Crybaby Daycare
Ty: Erin's eyebrows would look just fine on an old man's face....imagine them on the Hef
The Mayor: Are you looking at Erin? Bitch is going to take this. Can we just give her the trophy now? Sidenote - the trophy is just a glossy 8x10 of Tyra
Ty: Are you sure it's not a bronzed statue of Tyra?

JENNIFER
The Mayor: Dear Makeup Artist: Work on making Jennifer's eye not so...how you say....fucked up. Can I say something SO terrible? Jennifer looks like a horrible Asian stereotype. Like, Jennifer looks like what racist grandparents think Asians are. Jennifer is missing a cat and a computer. Maybe superimpose her in front of a well-made car
Ty: And a 'teeheehee' laugh
The Mayor: THAT'S JAPANESE. I'm talking Chinese
Ty: You said Asian!
The Mayor: Okay, I should have been more specific. Know Your Asians. Also, Jennifer was getting a little personal with that floor
Ty: Jennifer just showed us her O-face

KARA
The Mayor: Whoah! Kara's nose is as wide as her face
Ty: Kara does have a memorable face....I would remember it as it chewed off my weenis

LAURA
Ty: 'It was really enjoyment' - good grammars Laura. Laura is getting a wide-on over this....she needs a westinghouse fan from Walmart to cool the fuck down
The Mayor: Laura looks like an organizer for the Ride to End Cancer


The Mayor: Laura's outfit looks incredible. I love Wanda Sue
Ty: Wanda Sue will design an Oscar Gown. She has a sellable designer name
The Mayor: I want that outift. You have no idea

NICOLE
The Mayor: "Nicole's hands look like Gollum" - you mean Nicole's face looks like Gollum, right? Nicole's everything looks like Gollum
Ty: You no talk bad bouts Nicole. Nicole and I are tight. And by that I mean that I think Nicole is probably tight
The Mayor: Nicole has an outtie. I wish I had an outtie. I have a very deep innie. To the point where it grosses people out. It's a black hole (which is also what they call my vagina)
Ty: I have an innie / outie ... which is what I call intercourse
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHA. No, you call intercourse "up and down" or "tired hands"
Ty: 'Tired hands' That's golden
The Mayor: From now on, can we please call masturbation "tired hands"?
Ty: We can and will

RAE
The Mayor: Rae needs some serious Proactiv
Ty: I think that's preggers acne. Sooo...Rae is good. And by good, I meant that.
The Mayor: Rae looks like she'll burn down the school on prom night with her mind

SUNDAI
The Mayor: Sundai is making me sleeeeeeeepy
Ty: She looks like that fun girl at the office that loves to go out despite having to get up early to drag her 'rug-rats' to hackey practice

Next week on America’s Next Top Model…
Ty: Benny Ninja!
The Mayor: Benny NInja? Lil Mama? Jabberwockeez?
Ty: Jabbbeeeeewockkkies!
The Mayor: This is going to get out of can-troll! Next week is gonna get Harlemisha
Ty: Good times on the horizon

Ask My Mom!

Hey friends! Have you ever had a problem that didn't know how to solve? Been in a jam and didn't want to face the judging tone of your partner or parole officer? Needed advice, but didn't want to ask anyone close to you, so that you can keep hiding how shitty your life is? Oh my god, guess what? I have a very temporary band-aid solution for you! I have spoken about my mother before on The Skip-Raid, and for all of you out there who know my mom know that she is full of very helpful, usually funny advice. Trust - my life is in constant shambles - I get advice from my mother on the daily. And with that being said, my mother needs a rest from me; there is only so much she can do with me. I'm hopeless. The woman needs a vacation. And your problems are just that vacation!!! Hopefully this can be a bi-monthly thing (if you like it) but I need your help. Y'all need to write in with your questions. All questions will be kept anonymous (or you can think of a funny handle to use) so don't hold back - ask my mom any goddamn thing you want. And you can send them in one of two ways: leave your question(s) in the comment's section of this post or email it to skipraid@gmail.com

So get going! Ask my mom anything! How did you give birth to such a bitchy turd? Fuck off!!! Questions like that will not be tolerated!

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 3

The Mayor: Fuck, I wish we could video-blog like Pot Psychology. But nawt gon happen
Ty: That would require me not looking like a bag of feces though. Ugh - Tyra brought up super smieyes again....that's proof that she shouldn't procreate


The Mayor: Look at this little saucy pup! I want a kid like that! Holy shit, Diva Divanah is breaking it off
Ty: So this little girl.....will go through at least four marriages in her life...there's a prediction. And at least 4 different addictions to over the counter drugs
The Mayor: Oh yeah, that little girl is going to eat a shitload of pills

During this episode they have a shitty Seventeen magazine-sponsored fashion show where they pit the girls against tall girls (aka Real Models)
The Mayor: Oh snap! They're going to get their asses kicked!
I love side by sides - tall girls vs. midgets
Ty: Oh, so now they're going to show us real models, not fuckin lollipop gang members
The Mayor: And probably one or two from past seasons
Ty: Nothing makes me feel more superior in every way than standing beside a short person for an extended period of time
The Mayor: What in the name of Walmart prom is with this fashion show?
Ty: These are horrendous
The Mayor: This is the shittiest fashion show they have ever had on the show
Ty: I would really think twice about boning a chick if she had one of these dresses on. But in reality, I would really only think twice about boning the chicks with dicks in these dresses
The Mayor: You would still do it. You'd be like "can you tuck that? Bokay, let's do this. TY IS RONERY"
Ty: Move aside wang! (That could also refer to her overprotective body guard)


ASHLEY
Ty: Ashley has some broke ass skin
The Mayor: I would love to give Ashley a facial. You would love to give her the other kind of facial
Ty: Listen...I wasn't going to go there...not every one of my thoughts involves me being The Sperminator
The Mayor: That's the best nickname you could make up for yourself? Sperminator? I would have gone with Crystubatron
The Mayor: Ashley's face isn't smizing...its more like bragging. Bragging that her mom drank heavily during her pregnancy.
Ty: Bragging that she would struggle to find a white person in Uxbridge



BIANCA
The Mayor: Bianca looks like a straight-up broke, black version of mental illness / head shaving Britney Spears
Ty: Ha! “My main goal is to work on my face” Yes Bianca, the face is a rather important part of modeling (or....”work on my face”...that's what the directors will be telling the male costars to do in your next career)
The Mayor: Bianca reminds me of a character from A Different World...but a male character
Ty: Dwayne Wayne?
The Mayor: Yes! Dwayne Wayne!!!!!
Ty: Fun fact....did you know that A Different World is the first time I realized that black people could make fun of each other's skin tone? Before that I guess the nine-year-old version of me believed that they didn't notice the difference. And right around that time is when I went through a phase where I would refuse to refer to people by their skin tone - we were watching Hear no Evil, See no Evil and I wanted to make a comment about Richard Prior being funny but I didn't know his name and despite the fact that he was the only black dude on the screen, I would only refer to him as 'the man in the hat'
The Mayor: You are a shame racist
The Mayor: Who was beating up Bianca? Ah yes - Lisa Bonet
Ty: Denise. She was my favourite....cause we all saw her boobs and the Cos got angry
The Mayor: Denise was badass



BRITTANY
The Mayor: Britney won? Meh, don't even care! Brittany looks like a Real Housewife of Boring County



ERIN
Ty: Erin could easily step into the role of cracked out 18 year old mother of three



JENNIFER
No comments for Jennifer this week. She fell in to the background (kind of like that lazy eye of hers)



KARA
The Mayor: Whoah, Kara has a terrible walk.
Ty: Kara, your chin has more weight to it than most of the girls in total. If Kara's looking for work she could easily find employment cracking coconuts with her jaw
The Mayor: Kara has the face of a frat boy
Ty: She probably has the underdeveloped penis of a frat boy too
The Mayor: WHOAH Kara has Summer Eyes!!!! Summer here, summer there
Ty: And a summer sack...summertimes it's there, summertimes it's not



LAURA
Ty: If I saw Laura doing a walk in the frozen food section of Walmart I would.....wait...I'd be ashamed of myself for buying frozen food from Walmart....That's the equivalent of stealing toilet paper from the welfare office
The Mayor: Most people don't walk down the aisles at Walmart; they roll, on their Jazzies. And Rascals
Ty: Would you rather have a rascal or a peg-leg?
The Mayor: I'd rather have a peg leg. TERRY FOX ALL THE WAY
Ty: Good answer, proud Canadian
The Mayor: Laura sort of looks like Paris Hilton in this shoot. Also, Laura is ALWAYS HAPPY. I love it



LULU
The Mayor: Nicole: DON'T HATE ON LULU
Ty: Do you have a sticky box for Lulu?
The Mayor: I do - I would scissor Lulu. Wait, how does that work again? I don't think I want to do it if it's what I think it is…



NICOLE
Ty: “5'13”?....umm. “You instantly just gave me 3 inches” - me too!
The Mayor: So that puts you up to...what...4 inches?
Ty: I get an assist on that self deprecating penis joke
The Mayor: You really do. You walked yourself into that store
Ty: I did...I didn't even think to check if it was open, but it's you...so it's always open
The Mayor: True. My crayche never closes
Ty: That's what it says in the bathroom stall at Hooters
The Mayor: You mean in the bathroom at your dad's work
Ty: Ew!



RAE
The Mayor: Rae has Mom Pooch
Ty: Pooch? Ponch? Does she still have some uterus protrusion?
The Mayor: Pooch. It’s like a baby gunt. Rae's is so boring. Snooore
Ty: yeh. Rae put me to sleep. She needs to go bottomless next week to wake up the part of me that likes her
The Mayor: um, her massive, stretched-out mom-vag?



SUNDAI
Ty: Sundial's was good - I believe it.

The Mayor: Okay, the winner….Kara? What?!?!?!
Ty: It should be Nicole, not fuckin Seabiscuit. WHAAAAT - Ouch, Lulu vs. Brittany
The Mayor: Oh man, Lulu is goan
Ty: Brittany is too good to be here.
The Mayor: Brittany? What? Bish plzha. Ew. Is Lulu wearing a onesie? For that reason she should be gone. Okay, next week. Owe! Mai! Gawd! They do a challenge in Walmart. Clean up in Frozen Foods - Laura got a wide-on!
Ty: Ewwwwww! Vag juice and frozen spinach in the same place....gross

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 2

The Mayor: What the hell channel is this in again?
Ty: ummm...08? like the year that either of us last had meaningful sex
The Mayor: BWAHAHAHA - funny and true
Ty: I know....that's my thing
The Mayor: Oh well...there's still 3 months left in 09! (crosses fingers)
Ty: (crosses penis)p.s. these women should be way more attractive
The Mayor: I know...they truly are a comely bunch of little persons
Ty: think of all the years that ANTM has been on...sorry, cycles...and then all the shorties who didn't make it....and we're stuck with this ugmo crew?


The Mayor: Oh my god, I hate when they do these skits. I feel like I'm watching Uxbridge community theatre
Ty: is this Dan Levy's more gay out of work actor brother?
The Mayor: SuperSmieys? Smiling with your eyes = smieyes. Uh, that is Smerrible
Ty: OKAY - she's taking this 'making up word thing too far'. she's making my penis go insmies me
The Mayor: She's making me want to punch-a-smieyes my television
Ty: So I've just questioned how we've wasted hours of our lives watching this....I could have written a thesis
The Mayor: I know - on my death bed I will be holding my grandkid's hands and say "I wish...I hadn't watched...so much....shitty television"


Ashley
The Mayor: Ashley is finally talking and it's the equivalent of a bitchy girl in a club bathroom. "She was being rull irritating”. I can't believe Ashley didn't get sent home. She is crucially crappy
Ty: She's irrelevant


Bianca
The Mayor: Bianca looks like Lil' RuPaul
The Mayor: “Isis looked more feminine than Bianca” - Love you, Jay!


Ty: Damn....that was harsh Jay....you look more manly than the chick with the dick
The Mayor: Bianca looks like a discount tranny sex doll


Brittany
The Mayor: Brittany done good.


Courtney
The Mayor: EW, are you looking at her? This isn't America's Next Wang-Haver
Ty: Courtney has mom hair in her 20s. Can you imagine the Northern Reflections she'll have in her closest when she's 40?
The Mayor: Courtney can sell the shit out of JC Penney mom jeans. Courtney doesn't need any blurring in the chest. She doesn't have boobs, she has pecs
Ty: “I feel disabled in the boot”.....again, my point....could you imagine all the girls watching this who are ACTUALLY FUCKING DISABLED?
The Mayor: "Wah wah wah he made me keep my boot on. I'm a whiny bitch. Also....very mannish". The boot is the least of that dude's problems. Courtney looks like she's pushing out a dump. I bet they did a gender test on Courtney and she failed.


Erin
The Mayor: Erin is looking very crack-head…and she wins it?
Ty: Damn!
The Mayor: Crazy! Well, she's good. I'll giver her that.
Ty: True, and I'd hump her, so I'll give her that (in my dreams)


Jennifer
Ty: How can you have a lazy eye and have people use you FUCKING FACE to sell shit?
The Mayor: Paris Hilton Syndrome aka A Case of the Ocular Lazies. Jennifer can't smile with her eyes because one is straight-up dead
Ty: She should go pirate
The Mayor: Jennifer looks very "me so horny! Me love you long time, GI. Licky licky sucky sucky". Also, I don't want to sound like someone's racist grandpa, but Jennifer's skin is really yellow
Ty: Whoa. You just stepped it up. Are you going to say that her head really does look like a zipper next?
The Mayor: What? I don't know what that means
Ty: It's a racist thing
The Mayor: What does that even mean?
Ty: ummm...? I got it from Gran Torino


Kara
The Mayor: Whoah - Kara looks straight-up Sears. She’s such a snore. When do we kick her off?
Ty: After they find Kara's self-amputated scrot swimming in a toilet bowl of blood


Laura
Ty: Man....the country bumpkin has some lips on her...she could land more than one load on those puppies
The Mayor: Laura smize’ing = thinking about Cracker Barrel's grits and hash brown casserole
Ty: I really don't see how anyone can take her seriously when she sounds like Dolly Parton
The Mayor: TAKE THAT BACK - Dolly is my hero
Ty: you take Dolly Parton seriously?
The Mayor: Yes, I seriously base my life off Dolly. She's the best. If I have a daughter, I will name her Dolly. It's also my grandma's name, so it works on two levels
Ty: Right - so I'll shut up about that now
The Mayor: Laura has definitely made out with a 1st cousin
Ty: and she's been to at least third base in a barn


Lulu
The Mayor: Lulu: that girl isn't handling that weave well…but she does look both cute and sexy in that shot. How does that happen?
Ty: Cause she's gay...that's how it happens

Nicole
The Mayor: Nicole has terrible legs. She's like a bow-legged peg-legged Ginger pirate
Ty: Nicole was good - she can be friends with me
The Mayor: You mean friends with your ween, right?
Ty: That's what I mean every time I say friends
The Mayor: I WANT WANT WANT Nicole's hair. She's a human turd, but I want her hair.


Rachael
Ty: Do you know how much eye juice would come out of Rachel's eye if I were to poke her with my ding dong? I could bottle that and sell to Africa
The Mayor: EW! Nobody needs it in the eye.
Ty: I bet Rachel does
The Mayor: I can’t believe Rachael went home. She actually had a chance. That's so weird that they would boot her before Bianca or that other black girl who's name I can never remember...Ashley?
Ty: Oh no. 'Some sort of personality'.....harsh.. true....she did have potential. She's going to have issues after this...sunglasses....everywhere, all the time....that'll be her thing


Rae
- no comments for Rae this week. Meh


Sundai
The Mayor: Sundai - cute. Too cute. Cute doesn't work for me.
Ty: She's 5'3 - she has to be cute...it's her thing
The Mayor: Sundai is very Chili from TLC
Ty: Is she the dead one?
The Mayor: No, Left Eye is dead. Although the other 2 have dead careers, so....

The Mayor: And here's to Jay looking like Jon Gosselin mated with Pride Day...


Ty: horses! see....I know...I picked the theme out before we even got started. NUDE! I'm going to be okay.....trust me
The Mayor: Good call. Also, isn't that a thing - girls popping their cherries while riding horses?
Ty: I've heard about this
The Mayor: Your dick is going to break from pressure


The Mayor: WHAT? Lauren Conrad? Shit - this is getting ultra-ghetto
Ty: oh, and buy the way here's L.C., who had nothing to do with show at all
The Mayor: By the way here's LC who needs a paycheque
The Mayor: LC is like "remind me to send my agent a muffin basket for keeping me relevant"
The Mayor: Alright, next week. "Put your eyebrows down" - I AM USING THAT
Ty: If I hear someone say smize during this next week, I will club them with my cock. I'm guessing you'll say that that won't hurt at all
The Mayor: You're like "I need to club them with my cock, because I'm starting to get carpal tunnel and I need to give my wrist a rest"
Ty: Or that

There's a fucking freeloader at my house and I want them OUT

We have a little saying at my house:


Actually, I'm lying: I never even heard of that poem till I found it on a decorative plate at Value Village for $0.50, but it works, so I ain't gonna fight it. Right now I have a shitty living situation on my hands, and I am not sure how to deal with it. Wait, before I get to that, I should probably tell you about the house I live in so you can get a better idea of what I am dealing with. I have two room-mates, both about the same age as myself. I would like my own place, but as anyone who lives in a big city knows, rent ain't cheap (especially not in Toronto, where decent 1-bedroom apartments rent for $1200/month). And co-habiting isn't so bad; our house is huge, so we barely ever see each other. We have a two-storey home in The Beaches, a really quiet, small neighborhood in the east end of Toronto. It may not be the coolest neighborhood, but it's safe and quiet and our rent is fairly cheap and our house is nice and clean, so no complaints.

So yeah, there has always been three people in our house, up until about 1 month ago. Now we have three gainfully-employed, rent-paying room-mates and one unemployed, mooching degenerate. Fuck him. He eats our food, is fucking filthy, he's swarming with a shit-ton of diseases, shits wherever he wants, and his only job is to piss me off. He moved in without asking and we are having a hell of a time getting rid of him. I think he's been here long enough to claim squatter's rights (pfft...typical). Now, this would be where I would make a joke about how I'm obviously describing my out-of-work, bum of an ex-boyfriend, but I just can't; you could at least call the cops on someone like that. Maybe take up your shit with Judge Judy. But what I'm describing is way worse than a freeloading guy. People, this is Def Con 5...we have a mouse.

Editor's Note: For all the assholes giving me a serious case of the side-eyes right now and mumbling some catty shit about me over-reacting, well you can shove a mouse up your ass, because having a mouse in your house is fucking nonsense.

I first noticed the mouse in the garbage. He was perched on the side eating the remains of a sandwich (hey, no judgment - we've all been there). So I hopped on my bike and rode down to the little hardware store to buy a snap-trap. I wish I could say that I chose the snap-trap because I knew what I was doing, but really it was just because I am cheap and wasn't willing to eradicate the mouse with anything over $1.50. The saddest part was that I had to get the guy to show me how to set it a couple of times, and he kept setting it off with his fingers. He was the sweetest Korean man and every time he would set it off, he would go "okay, okay, rets try dis again..." and I would go "NO! It's cool, I got it! You're going to break your fingers!" And then he would put up his hand in the "Oh, but I insist" way, and would proceed to set it again, and snap it again on 1 or 2 fingers. "OH! OW. You think you get it, and then it snap on you, and it hurt so much...so, so much...okay, rets try dis again".

So I went home, set the trap, baited it with peanut butter, and left it behind the trash can under the sink. The next morning I checked to see that the trap was okay and that it hadn't flipped itself or gotten set-off by someone throwing some garbage in and missing the can. I found the trap flipped-over, and was instantly pissed-off. "Fuck me, can't people in this house be more careful?" Then I looked closer and saw a foot. HELLS TO THE YES, BOBBY B!!! I caught the mouse! Now, the obvious thing to do would be to put on some gloves and pluck that furry bastard from his wood-and-wire hell, but I like to do things in the most difficult, intrusive way possible. So I called my only male room-mate to dispose of the body. He's originally from Brazil, where I hear they have cockroaches the size of your shoes, so I didn't think he'd mind handling a tiny dead mouse. He obliged, but winced through the whole ordeal like a 50's housewife. After Betty Draper had thrown out the mouse, I re-set the trap with some more peanut butter and left it again behind the garbage can. You know, just in case one of the mouse's bereaved family members decided to seek vengeance on me. Weeks passed, no more mouse. Home free!

This brings us to this morning. I'm sitting on my bed watching zit videos on YouTube (as I usually do on Saturday mornings) and I see a shadow pass by my dresser. I lean down to check it out, as I am sure it was a mouse (but I want to be sure) and sure enough this shit-for-brains mouse is staring at me from under my dresser. I tried to catch him, but he ran. He ran all around my room, and then hid behind a bookshelf. I frantically pulled the shelf out to get him, trapping him on both ends with the large rock I use as a door stop and my collection of very heavy VICE magazines. As it turns out, mice can hop over things, and he hopped over the rock and ran into my room-mates bedroom. I followed him in and watched him scurry into his hole like the cowardly little bastard that he is. I wasn't sure what to do, so I stuck the vacuum down the hole and tried to suck him out. FAIL. Didn't work. So I just patched the hole with silly putty until I can think of a better solution.

I went on with my day. I made lunch, did some laundry, worked for a bit on some editing work. Then around 8pm I saw another shadow from the corner of my eye in the kitchen. This time, the mouse ran from the fridge to under the dishwasher. Fuck mouse, why you joke me?? I double-checked the trap under the sink and found it set, but totally stripped of any bait. What? Did the mouse do that? I re-set it, of course, but what if he does it again? In case you were wondering, this is what the set-up looks like:


Look, I don't pretend to know anything about mice and their social acceptance of proper habitats, but does this not look like the mouse ghetto to you? Any mouse hanging out around here is definitely either a drug-dealer or a schizophrenic or something. Definitely a mouse who was dealt a shitty hand in its youth, that's for sure. Anyways, I'm crossing my finger that the trap gets him, but there is a good chance it wont. What if the mouse is wise to my game? What if he is allergic to peanuts? What if he is extremely malnourished and he isn't heavy enough to spring the trap? I know that I should be exploring a few other avenues in order to rid myself of this unwanted house-mooch, so I did a little research. Here is what I have so far:



Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Buy a cat
Okay, so when I first moved in to this house, we had a tabby named Rick James (see post on outing my neighbor's cat). His owner was my room-mate Shannon, but then she decided to move out and take him with her (obviously). Anyways, while we had Ricky, we never ONCE saw a mouse. Now, I don't know if it's because he would catch them and eat them, or because the mice just instinctively knew there was a cat nearby, but we didn't have a mouse problem. So the obvious solution would be to get another cat; yeah, you would think that, but allow me to present this equation to you:
Mooches food + tears up your shit + dumps in the house = Mouse
Mooches food + sheds hair on your shit + dumps in the house = Cat
See what I mean? It's like I'm replacing one crappy animal with another, except that when you go on vacation, you don't need to beg a friend to house-sit the mice.


Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Put down some glue traps
Okay, so before I have the PETA people on my ass, I would like to stress that I don't like to see animals die. Don't get me wrong - animals are tasty and make for great car interior material and, if properly prepared, their penises cure what ails ya, but I do not like watching them die. This is why I like snap-traps; because by the time I get to them, they are already up in Rodent Heaven, scampering around with Jesus and Stuart Little. Glue traps aren't as gracious; they make you hear the mouse die. GROSS...but very effective. All the mouse needs to do is run over the trap (they can't see it - it looks like the floor) and they get stuck. Well, sometimes they are feisty and they rip their own feet off to escape (that's some Rambo shit). But 9 times out of 10, they just wait there for you to come and drop a boot or a can of Chunky soup on their heads to put them out of their misery. Now, you all know that I love gross stuff, but I am not sure if I could kill a mouse with my own bare hands.


Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Remove it in the most humane way possible
Um, are you fucking kidding me? NEXT.


Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Rat poison
This is apparently a nearly fool-proof plan because Warfarin is like surf-n-turf to mice, so they will always ALWAYS run and gorge themselves on it. So that's the upside. The downside is that they then run back to their homes to lay on the couch with the top button of their pants undone watching re-runs of Seinfeld...where they die. The bad part is their homes are never right in the middle of your kitchen floor, where you can see them, but in the walls. And these motherfuckers STANK. One time I had a mouse die in my bedroom wall and it smelled like someone had put potpourri sachets of feces in my underwear drawer and lit my dresser on fire. Using Warfarin to get rid of the mice is like making a pact with the Devil; he'll get rid of the mice, but there's always a catch.

So yeah - if you can tell me how to get rid of the mice (mouse, mice...there's definitely more than one of those assholes) then please, PLEASE leave your suggestions in the comments, or email me at skipraid@gmail.com

Whoever gives me the best mouse-massacre'ing suggestion will win a prize. I haven't decided what the prize will be yet, but in all likelihood, it's gonna be a dead mouse. Goodnight everybody!