*This post is dedicated to my best friend Lj who continues to defend and love Katy Perry, despite tons of evidence that Katy Perry is completely retarded.
Recently I dedicated 3 minutes to my life watching Katy Perry murder Jay-Z and Kanye's N****s in Paris. Scratch that. I watched her kidnap, chloroform, torture, assault, murder, and dump the body of N****s in Paris in an isolated creek. Every second was just a total nightmare; I don't think anyone anywhere was sitting around lamenting the fact that they hadn't heard N****s in Paris sung-rapped by a privileged Christian white girl. "Why God WHY hasn't Katy Perry fumbled her way through one of 2011's best raps! Why?! Why hasn't she replaced every N-word with Ninjas and S-word with Ish? MY LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE!!" - said no one. Regardless, I watched that train wreck twice and hated myself for every minute of it. Katy Perry covering Jay-Z and Kanye is the KFC Famous Bowl of music.
I can't say I'm totally biased; I love Katy Perry for what she's done in the world of nail art. Ask any one who's really into nails and they'll tell you she was one of the originals at the helm of the recent nail art revolution. I know, it's sad that we live in a world where that's a thing. Our Grandparents fought Nazis on the shores of France so we could have nails with $50 plastic gemstones on them. Then again, we also live in a world where I still wildly speculate that Beyonce wasn't ever really pregnant and the whole thing was a show, so really - let's all weep together. What's I'm trying to get at is, I don't think that Katy Perry is a total piece of garbage. I mean, she's not a bag of snakes. She's barely in the same cesspool as a Real Housewife. So my bff messages me going "OMG Katy Perry's new video - SO STUPID" and I was like, obviously I need to watch this. And I did. And it's SO DUMB, people. So I broke it down shot by shot. I figured that posting screen-grabs was better than actually listening to the song because, as we all know, the only people who can truly appreciate Katy Perry's music are the Deaf (and maybe people who have recently suffered severe brain injuries).
Katy Perry's Part of Me (aka my agent thought now would be a great time for me to release a shitty song about revenge and 'girl power' and being stronger and shit because I totally just got divorced and FUCK YOU, RUSSEL BRAND, I'm totally over you and not bitter about our sham marriage falling apart).
We open with Katy Perry playing TOTALLY NOT KATY PERRY because, for real you guys, she's dressed like some mid-western small town-hick, which means she's JUST LIKE YOU!! She's sitting in her 'shitty' car looking at something in the way a monkey looks at a tick.
And in this case, the tick is a locket. Talk about 'Every kiss begins with WTF?' Does any one in the history of ever wear lockets like this anymore? I feel like the only reason they're even made is for exposition purposes in crappy music videos. "I'm forlornly looking at a locket, which means someone is either cheating or dead".
Uh oh! Not dead! The shithead in the locket is RIGHT INSIDE THAT OFFICE!! Ooh, look at Pissed Katy Perry charge in there. That cropped jean jacket means business.
Well if it isn't Millimeter Peter. HA HA HA HA KATY PERRY YOU ARE SO CLEVER!!! Forget the fact that no one EVER would have a sign up in their office like that. Millimeter Peter isn't a nickname, despite how many throws through Microsoft Word Art. Katy Perry - so good at dick jokes now. OMG YOU ARE SO EDGY!!!
Holy shit, I hope that wig is insured because Katy Perry is acting it off the rails! Do we give out Oscars for music video acting? Because Katy Perry should get ALL OF THEM, EVER. She is a serious actress, you guys. Look at that point. And those eyes! Eyes that scream "REMEMBER HOW I WAS IN THE SMURFS?!?"
Today's performance of Millimeter Peter will be played by...FourFour.com's Rich Juzwiak?
Holy shit, Katy Perry SLAMS the locket down on his desk in a defiant move that says "you are SO out of my life!" The only thing left for me to do is pretend to rage drive!"
"OH YEAH, RAGE DRIVING!!!" Also, I don't advocate actually watching this piece of shit video because, doye, it will leave you with barely two brain cells left to rub together, but you NEED to watch it for the part where Katy Perry rage drives. The car is CLEARLY on a trailer being driven down a street, but her hands are jerking the steering wheel back and forth, like how little kids do on those toy steering wheels. The only thing missing is Katy Perry making vroom vroom noises and begging for a ziploc of Goldfish crackers.
Katy ends up at - god knows where - I don't give a shit. A convenience store I suppose. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing in this steaming pile of cat turds matters. But she sees a bulletin board with a bumper sticker (a bumper sticker???) for the Marines. The best are all the fake ads around it. My personal favourite is in the bottom left, the green crumpled piece of paper that say HANDYMEN. Or Indymen? Or Andymeu? and then 7 numbers. "Hey, are you looking for a Handyman on a cork board at the Circle K? Call me! I'm HANDYMEN! 1-310-821! I can fix anything!"
With acting skills like these, I think we've found the perfect Emmy for a 2012 Mannequin reboot.
In one of the video's most confusing scenes, Katy Perry knowingly looks at a Marines bumper sticker (that has like, no information on it), runs to her car, hauls out a duffel bag from her trunk (like, really hauls out. She looked like a fucking garbage man) and sets up in the gas station bathroom. I'll let that sink in for a second. Someone who looks like that is living out of her car (???) and thinks nothing of hanging out in a gas station. Look, it's already been established this is during the day, during a work week, and Katy Perry is just chilling like a villain at the 7-11. Katy Perry is either a murderous criminal drifter, or just a lazy, jobless sack of shit.
Easily the best scene is when Katy Perry cuts off her wig. It's so melodramatic and terrible, I watched it twice (I missed a lot of stuff the first time because I was laughing too hard). This scene was some Extreme Makeover: Talentless Moron Edition fuckery.
After she cuts off her hair (WHY) she wraps down her chichis with some old mummy costume from Halloween. There is literally no reason why she would need to bind her boobs. This isn't 1968; you don't need to Victor/Victoria your ass to get into the service. Also, where did she get all these supplies from?? Katy Perry's carrying around some broke-ass poor-man's Mary poppins carpet bag that contains scissors and bandages and...
Eminem's hoodie from 8 Mile. It's so weird, because the whole time I'm like "you can cut your hair and tape down your boobs all you want, Katy Perry, but I still don't think you're taking this decision to join the Marines seriously" and then she throws up that hood and I'm like "OMG I WAS SO WRONG"
It's a good thing you cut off all your hair, because it's not like you couldn't have just pulled it back like EVERYONE ELSE. Doesn't she look like 'Riding the Bus with My Sister'? Her face in this shot is priceless; she's so DURRRRRRR. Katy, learn from Simple Jack - everyone know you don't go full retard.
There's an extensive montage of Katy Perry going all GI Jane on us. This is seriously the face of a person who has never held a gun in their life. She makes the least convincing marine. Who the hell was the on-set weapons trainer for this shoot? The guy who trained Jessica Simpson in Major Movie Star?
My nightmares now have a new gif, and that is Katy Perry climbing down a ladder like a spider monkey.
My question is this: did they pad her midsection in this video, because she looks like she's wearing one of Beyonce's spare fat suits. When did Katy Perry have that much gut? That's a husky woman. Oh shit, I think I got it! They superimposed her face over an actual Marine, since we all know Katy Perry is too dumb to handle the rope wall herself. Look at that face! If that isn't the definition of DURR, then I don't know what is.
And the award for the most pathetic, clumsy way to hold a weapon in a shot goes to...Katy Perry stabbing at a dummy with a bayonet. I mean, obviously this isn't Full Metal Jacket or anything, but it felt like a kindergarten play about 'Nam.
To remind us why Katy Perry is ACTING FOR HER LIFE! we get an over-the-shoulder shot of a letter that basically says "bla bla bla letter from back home stating obvious that someone misses you". In case you think it's from her boyfriend, I'll remind you that the only people who write letters in pencil on lined paper are elementary school children. Ergo, we have evidence that Katy Perry is maintaining correspondence with an 8-year-old boy, ipso facto, Katy Perry is Pedobear.
Then she's all "Hey, remember when I was wearing that shitty wig? Me too LOL"
In case you've been wondering What the Hell Happened to Lori Petty? Just kidding. Although I wouldn't put it past Katy Perry and her dumbass bff Rihanna to put what's left of their coagulated brains together and think up a terrible Tank Girl-themed video. In case you're wondering, both of these skeezers should be playing kangaroo people.
Oh boy, have I ever wanted someone to get caught in the line of fire...KIDDING (am I?) All her faces in this video are either dead-eyes/mouth-agape or AARRGH PUSHING OUT A SHIT.
Oh fuck. For real?
God damn it. Someone needs to be fired for this. This is so embarrassing and stupid. She's in basic training. She's been in the Marines for like, a week. No one else is wearing cammo makeup. WHY in the FUCK is she putting on sniper makeup?? For fucks sakes people, someone sat down with an artist and storyboarded this out. SOMEONE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. This was an idea. Someone got paid too much money for this.
Lastly we get some eye-rollingly bad shots of Katy Perry dancing like a spastic used-car-dealership windsock man under an American flag. Quick! Someone let the flag touch the ground so it has to be burned (assuming everything under the flag is destroyed too).
She was dancing like Nell, from the movie Nell (aka like a feral child who grew up in the woods aka NOT WELL).
The end shot is Katy Perry pulling out SERIOUS ACTOR FACE to show us all that she's not like the girl she was in the beginning! Which was...uh...gas station girl? Girl who used to take baths with her boyfriend? Girl who didn't seem to have a job, and was emotionally unstable to approach her philandering boyfriend at his place of work (very classy, by the way. Nothing say "mature enough to be in a stable, adult relationship" like changing into your partner's office and throwing a hissy fit in front of his peers. ME ME ME!! ALL EYES ON ME! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!) The end game here is that Katy is now mature and, like, totally above all the bullshit and lies, you know? For real. Man, she's so smart. This was the most poignant, deepest music video of 2012. Oh wait, sorry, did I say poignant? I meant piece of crap. This video was like a visual representation of all the junk they pull out of the homes on Hoarders. Tons of stinky flat cats in this one, all set for the 1-800-GOT-JUNK truck. Let's be honest for a second (HA) Katy Perry can't act worth shit. I've seen better acting in a Stanley Steamer commercial (from the dog, as he's dragging his ass across the carpet). I know they just repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, but do you think someone could institute Don't Let You Act, because this is bringing hundreds of years of shame to the Marines. And soldiers. And people. And anyone with eyes who had to watch this shit for 3 minutes. Oh boy Katy, please stop starring in your own 3-minute short films and hire actors so you can stick to what you're good at (bahahahaha NOTHING!!!)