What the assholes are up to this weekend

Well, if it isn't Friday, my arch nemesis. Today's Friday post is dedicated to Heema, who claims to like Friday's posts. Thanks Heema, keep on smiling little buddy and reach for the stars!
Now let's get on to business. This week, the idiot meatheads will be jizzing their pants to see 'Blades of Glory' ...and I don't blame them. But let's examine the reasons why an Asshole would see it:

1. Ricky Bobby was awesome. Will Ferrell was Ricky Bobby. AKA this movie will be awesome.
2. Most assholes owned a 'Vote for Pedro' shirt.
3. Both Def Leppard's "Pour some sugar on me" and Scorpion's "Rock you like a hurricane" are featured in the trailer.
4. Figure skating is for girls. But girls will like the pretty costumes in this movie, which means that they will be too busy watching glitter and sequins to notice you slipping roofies into their $4.99 Diet Coke.
5. Adam Sandler's only movie out right now is totally queer.

Now let's see why I want to see it:
1. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett as a brother/sister pairs teamThis movie is going to be awesome, untill all the Assholes see it and quote the Hell out of it (incorrectly, I might add).
So what else will they be doing? Well, as stated in a past post, the weather is so fucking awesome right now, you'd be stupid not to throw out your winter coat and all your pants. But beware; once the sun comes out, Assholes sheild their eyes with a hideous monstrosity known simply as OAKLEYS.These sunglasses actually make me sick to my stomach. Ew, like the douche chills I get just from looking at these are indescribeable. And you know Brad/Chad up there has like, 10 pairs. He probably also has a pair of these EW EW EW EW! Don't you hate these? I feel like I'm being molested everytime I look at these! They make me so uncomfortable!!
But of course, I have left the best for last. The One, The Only, 30 Douches to Douche are playing tonight at Arrow Hall with the always illustrious musical stylings of such gifted artists like: The Used (I know), Senses Fail (it's okay, calm down), and Chiodos (?). It's not a free concert either; someone plans to pay $34.50. That's like the Jews getting to Auschwitz and giving the Nazis $50. "Please, take it, take it!! Why I should be tortured for free?"
Now, I'm not alluding to anything here, but I would be eternally grateful if someone were to wink-wink, nudge-nudge, sneak in and "get rid of" Jared Leto and/or 30 Seconds to Mars. Please, I'm begging you. Upon completion, I will reward you handsomly for your work. Don't think of it as murder. Do you think the Italian people thought it was "muder" when they hung Mussolini in the village square? Do you think Jodie Foster thought it was "murder" when she shot Buffalo Bill at the end of 'Silence of the Lambs'? No, no, it's a victimless crime. I'm sure Agnes Leto regrets not smothering baby Jared when he was asleep in his crib. Let's do God's work here. 30 Seconds to Mars is far worse than any Velvet Revolver or Daughtry could ever be.