America's Next Model who will get a Seventeen cover, and then straight to the Where Are They Now? pile is...WHITNEY

Recount! How did Whitney win? Don't get me wrong; she was my clear favourite. But Anya had it in the bag! I was honestly shocked. Shocked. I can't believe Whitney won. I was really looking forward to hearing Anya's crazy-English acceptance speech. Wouldn't that have been just precious?
I am of the thank-you Tyra!! Being the model on top is just what my heart desired in all it's dreams!! Miss J, Paulina, Nigel Barker, you will all be in my mind for the years to come and glitter!
Whitney just gave us some South Florida Wal-Mart cosmetics department employee bullshit. "Tee hee! I won!" Boooring! Also, if Anya had won, we would have gotten a full 3 pages of Anya-talk in Seventeen. It would be like the incoherant ramblings of a crackhead. The only interview I would have wanted to read more would have been Jael from Cycle 8. Now that would have been one hell of an interview.

Anyways, congrats Whitney! I hear Rock of Love 3 is casting; looks like you could be back on TV in no time!

UPDATE!!
El Scandalo! FourFour has some very interesting conspiracy theories pusstulating around Whitney's win. And, like a zit about to explode all over your bathroom mirror (sorry, it's too early for that shit) I am going to print it. So here are a few beach shots of WhitWhit. I'm sure you have seen them, but in case you have a life and don't spend 20 hours a day on the internet, here they are:

Uh oh, someone not loo-keeng so fat, ese! Rumour is that Whitney was approached by Tyra & Co. (like Tiffany & Co...but you know, less classy) to gain a few and they would put her on the show. What, they can't get fatties to audition anymore? Offer a couple of 2-for-1 P'zone coupons, and you will have more people lining up to audition than Maury has Baby Mamas wanting paternity tests. Anyways, Whitney agreed, gained "10 to 20 lbs" (yeah right - more like 40) and thus gave us the WhitWhit we all know and love. The source (god, I feel like a newsreel announcer from Dick Tracy. Who says source?) claims that this was all a set-up and that she would be guaranteed a spot in the final 3. Who should we believe? An anonymous tipster with a fairly believable story? Whitney and her downhome, Paula Deen shit-eating grin? Hells, let's ask Anya:

Ooh! The Whitney was very nice body, but then the weight came on and the smile was always there. She loves to have the big heart, and she represents all that is special in the witnessing of modeling!

Wait, what? Let me smoke a doob laced with paint thinner; I need to get good and high before that makes any sense.

America's Next Top Mo...aw, fuck it, Anya's gonna win.

Seriously, why keep showing new episodes? Anya has this thing. Okay, so last night the four remaining skanks had the challenge of who could be the best photographer with Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah. Fatima did well, Whitney did pretty good, Anya was just excited to hold a camera for the first time, and Dominique was taking sample shots to submit to her plastic surgeon ("I want my breasts like this, I like her hips, her neck is nice - no adam's apple"). Then the 'noted' fashion photographer Nigel Barker shot them in a papparazzi-inspired photoshoot aka We're Running Out of Ideas for Photoshoots. I would say that considering we're dealing with 4 MR-Fs, they managed to get the shots and not totally fuck them up. Would all the girls who managed to look pretty and feminine please step forward?Not so fast, Dominique...
I have only one word about last night's elimination: Finally! How in Sweet Baby Jesus's name did she make it to the final 4? Dominique wasn't just a bad model; she was an effing moron. Ugh, she's like that girl you work with that complains non-stop about how if she were in charge "there would be some serious changes". You know what I am talking about? The one where when you ask if they graduated High School and they just go "oh mah god, no, but it's because I had all my classes and bla bla bla the teachers hated me and bla bla bla" instead of just going "yeah, I'm a fuck-up".
Whatever, glad you're gone, bitch! See you at the Single Moms United Together meeting! And now for the rest...
Anya
Can we not just give her the crappy Seventeen cover yet? Oh shit, I just realized something...next week is gonna be CoverGirl photoshoot week!! Yes, I live for that disaster! Anya's will look great, but it will also have just a touch of wonk. Also, I would like to see what CoverGirl colours they use on her. I just dyed my hair Anya blonde, and all my makeup makes me look like Paris Hilton aka A Massive Whore.Fatima
This picture is great, whatever, but can we get to the real subject here? What is up with Fatima's face?!? Did she have that much acne coming into the competition? Holy crap, sometimes when they would do the close-ups of her, I had to turn away. Her next challenge should be Washing Her Face.Whitney
Oh Whitney, my dark horse. I knew that she would be in the final 3. And I hate to say it, but I think she might be going home next week. I just don't see her facing-off with Anya. She could face-off with Fatima, but she will get a face-full of puss-explosions. Hey-o! But seriously, it was nice knowing you Whit-Whit.

Next week...I don't know what happens! My damn TV station keps skippin g through it, and just went straight to Rock of Love. I'm not complaining, but I would have liked to see what happens!

Come è ancora Dominique qui?

No seriously - why is she still here? Yeah, that was Italian. I am a master of all the world languages. Just kidding; I only know how to tell people to fuck off and kiss my ass, you dirty mungicake in Italian. Anything else is courtesy of Babelfish. Moving on. Tonight the girls got to do their best She-Ra impressions (or in Dominique's case, He-Man. Fatima's case, Kowl) and pretend to be warriors.
Waaaaaariorssss, come out to plaaaaa-ayy.
Sorry, I had to. But for serious, it was a sort-of cool challenge. I am glad Whitney won, even if it was by default. She basically won because she was the least-worst. Anya looked like a blonde Amy Winehouse fighting for crack. Katterginna looked like a weird Russian escort. Fatima looked like the bones of a woman eaten by Jabba the Hut (you know when you get a quarter-chicken from Swiss Chalet? Throw a leather outfit on it. Presto, Fatima). And Dominique was pulling some Jackie Chan shit. She kept posing with her legs all akimbo as if to say "take a good look!! You see any balls?!?" Of course we wouldn't, Dominique; you are a pro tucker.

Now to this week's winner!!Fatima
Uh, I will give this to her. It looks alright. But really, tonights whole episode is like an analogy of a post-ribfest shit. You try really really hard. You struggle and push yourself to the limit. Then when you finally stand up and take a look at your progress, it's nothing but a small brown turd. So really, Fatima is a turd. Well, not her. Maybe just her dreams of being a top model are turdy. Ugh, I have already dedicated WAY TOO MUCH TIME to her.

And American Airline's newest coach passenger is...Katterginna
Aw...poor East Block. I think Katterginna was as boring as a visit to the optometrist, but the wrong ho went home this week. Excuse me, allow me to clarify. The wrong human went home (ho would imply that I am talking about a woman).

And of course, here are the remaining 3.Whitney
I know that many, many of you hate Whitney with a passion so unbridaled, it puts Tyra's wig-brusher-outter to shame. But I really trully like her. I am not 100% fond of this shot; she looks a little less ANTM, a little more How to look good naked with Gok Wan. You know what I am saying; she looka-like a Sussex mother of 3 who is unhappy with her 'wobbly bits'. I hate to say it, but I think that next week might be Whitney's last. Ugh, I just jinxed myself!!Anya
Great, as always. Anya will defs be the top two. I think she has a 50% chance of winning and a 100% chance of sleeping with Nigel Barker (hello! Do you not remember that Sprite shoot?)Dominique
DO NOT WANT!! Mayor no like; bad medicine. I really hope she gets kicked out next week. She is ugly as sin, can't act, zero personality, shit hair. Plus, a penis. I have never seen it, but I have seen her 5 o'clock shadow and adam's apple. Plus, SHE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE. How is she still around? The judges must be dickmatized.

Next week...
We finally get to the bottom 3. I would be willing to put money on the final three being the following:
Anya
Fatima
Whitney
And my smoking gun is Dominique for Whitney. But Anya isn't going anywhere, and Fatima will cut a bitch before she gets eliminated. Leave your thoughts after the jump!!

America's Next Top Italian-Language-Raper

Okay, so I really didn't have a good image to use because as you know it was CoverGirl commercial week, and Ooooooo'wee, were they bad. When I say bad, I mean horrendous. Those commercials gave my eyes blisters. But anyways, we have the lovely Miss J up there, being his fine self. Also, I would love to re-name this episode The Week I Laughed Out Loud. Miss J and the comments from Tyra and the like were really funny; I normally don't laugh out loud at anything (I really have more of a smug throat-clear instead) but I was howling. That is totally a word my Mom would say. Howling. Or I could also say that this week's episode was a riot. A real barn burner. Anyways, let's just get to the critiques of the commercials, shall wees?

This Week's Winner...
Fatima
Okay, y'all know how much I can't stands FGM-Fatima (oh shit, did I actually go there? Was I raised in the garbage? Answer: Yes) but her commercial was great! I have to agree with Tyra; she was a little too sexy for a CoverGirl commercial. Fatima, save that smut for NYC Color. But she had fun with it, didn't totally look like she was reading a foreign language off cue cards AND was sick. So, good for you Fats.

Don't Let the Door Hit You where the Good Lord Split You...
Lauren
Oh Lauren. To quote the Bay City Rollers...bye bye baby, baby good bye. I know that I will take some surrious flak from Tylerface for this, but I really didn't like her. She had the personality of a cardboard box of oily rags. Yes, she took good pictures, but she couldn't walk, she couldn't talk, she couldn't dress herself. Think of it this way - now she will have all the time in the world to sit in her Williamsburg apartment, placing strategic rips in her CBGBs t-shirts, and 'rawking out' to some serious punk rock aka Good Charlotte.

Anya
Holy shit, Anya was stuggling with the words in that commerical, but she was charming. She is defs going to be in the bottom 2. I don't know if she will win, but I would put her at even-odds I guess.

Whitney
I know I am the minority here, but how great is Whitney?!? I love that bitch. She was annoying as hell during that commercial; she always looks like this girl I went to High School with. She would constantly be smiling a big, fat, fake smile, and would answer questions in class like she was on a pageant stage. If Whitney drops the Miss Crystal Crown Illinois act, she could be around for another 1 or 2 weeks.

Katter-Ginna
Not much to say. She was getting a little mouthy during judging. I thought she did pretty well in her commercial. She worked a pretty tight accent. I wonder what other languages she speaks? Obs Russian and 1-900.

Dominique
Oh.My.God. How funny was it when they are watching Dom's commercial and Miss J holds up a sign that reads 'Hells to the No'? I just about pissed my pants. And when he said 'I still think she's a brother', I did pee my pants. Alls I'm saying is that Dominique has yet to deny that she has a weiner and beans between her legs, which can only mean one thing. Dude looks like a lady.

Next week...Tyra takes some lame shots with the Digital SLR she got for Christmas and I am guessing that the bottom two will be Dominique and Whitney. If I had to put money on it, I would say that Dominique will get the axe next week (hopefully on her junk) but it could also be a two-fer. If that's the case, Dominique and Whitney will be taking the red-eye back to the good ol' US of A.

America's Next Top JC Penney Model

I have to admit that I totally stole the title of this week's ANTM post from reader Alice, who foolishly emailed me with it in the subject line. I teefed from you, bitch. Deal with it! Anyways, this week you might have noticed that I didn't have an ANTM recap - and if you did, you emailed me to ask me where it was. On Friday, my inbox was nothing but:

James, Subject: Where is the ANTM post?
Annie, Subject: Why didn't you do an ANTM post?
JD, Subject: When will we get the ANTM post?
Chad, Subject: How soon till you get the ANTM post done?
Hakim, Subject: Increase your love stick with 18" of pleasurable love juices!!1!
Reyrey, Subject: Why do we not have the ANTM post yet?

And so on. Vultures, the lot of you. But as promised, I wrote all you scabs back and let you know that you wouldn't go without. We may not have money, but there will always be plenty of hot bologna sandwiches (that reminds me of a story, which I believe I will regale you with tomorrow - would you guys like another story? You seemed to like the bedskirt-shithouse story, so I think I might give you another one).
But really, you come here for one thing and one thing only - bitchy and cruel comments said to tear young girls away from their dreams of becoming an international supermodel, so let's get to it!! First off, here is what our little Intern, Tylerface, thought of this week's eliminee...

Okay, so I knew Claire was getting the boot this week, (No, seriously. I actually knew. I read a spoiler.) and I couldn't be happier! Bitch was hella annoying and got increasingly uglier as time progressed. Her roots started to grow in and bitch looked straight up dusk hooker. No joke. You know, the kind of hooker you see on the street corners around 7:00pm to about 10:00pm and you're not too sure if she's really a hooker or just a civilian; because hookers constitute as "Royalty de la Rue". (Everything sounds better in French.) So, she's gone. It was her and Lauren in the bottom two, and although Lauren's picture was not fierce in the slightest, it was still better than Claire's. Who was like completely flat faced. Genetics you say? Well, I say it's because of her little "mishap". Allow me to explain with these four words:

"I'm gonna slide in!"Claire; honey. If you're reading this (Editor's note: she's not - she's breastfeeding), sliding is what you did the second time. The first time was straight up faceplant. I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt when she fell. It was somewhere between stomach pain due to immense laughter, or.. no that was it.

Normally this would be where I rip Tylerface a new asshole, cause he just insulted my Claire, but I have to agree - she has been getting rull bad in the past couple of weeks. Also, let's state the obvious - homegirl is an Oldie Olsen, and needs to get home to make her kid Peanut Butter n' Banana Sammiches and watch The View. Claire, out!

And who won? WHO CARES? The pictures were so lame that picking a winner would be like picking the yellowest piece of corn out of your shit. Let's talk about them as best we can, but it is gonna be like pulling teeth - they all look like leaves ironed between two pieces of wax paper.Anya
Canadian kids are gonna know where I am going with this, but Anya looks like either Zip, Zap, ou Zoup in the Grade 5 Cahier d'Activité. I totally just confused the Americans. Don't worry guys, I was just speaking jibberish.

Trannique
That sounds like a perfume. I really have got to give Dominique some credit for this shot; I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to keep your dick tucked between your legs in the water.

Fatima
Okay, I don't know how to say this delicately, so I will just come out with it...
HOMEGIRL IS ANOREXIC. Are you looking at her fingers? Homeless drug-addicts are salivating over those hypodermic needles she calls fingers.

Katter-Ginna
That arm is bothering me so much!! How come she looks so rigid? Oh well, at least she got a great haircut this week. Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah was right - she looks less Russian Slut now.

Lauren
Oh my god, this shot is so bad...she looks like (oh Christ, I am going to hell for this) a Downs-Syndromed Sarah Polley. Oh wow..that was tame. I think I can do better than that. Alright, Lauren looks like a Welfare-receiving, Wal-Mart shopping, pregnancy-drinking, fetal-alcohol-syndrome-giving, crabs-having trailer trash motherfucker.

Stacy-Ann
I am calling this one now - Stacy-Ann will be eliminated this coming week. Pack your bags, ho! It's time to ship-out! We are in the final 8, so the producers are safe to get rid of the black girls. What? It's true! the last winner was black, so by deductive reasoning, this season's winner will be a white girl. Deal with it - ANTM is so predictable, we can now determine the winner 8 weeks prior to the final elimination. See you later Stacy-Ann! Good luck auditioning for the Lot 29... section of Macy's. Hahaha, you thought I was going to say she would be modeling for them. You should know better - they hold out for classy, well known models like R&B singer Amerie and Khloe Kardashian. Real up-and-comers (aka girls who are too stupid to realize that sleeping with the Lot 29 photographer will get them nowhere).

Whitney
Okay, I am biased, but I think this is a great shot. Even if you hate Whitney, you have to admit that this fetus-embryo-shit is working for her. Also, I felt kinda bad that Ashley Paige said that Whitney was too fat (to wear that...ohh! Diss!!)
Cheer up, Whitts. Ashley Paige makes shitty swimsuits and I wouldn't be caught dead even standing near one in a store. Don't let this set you back; stay strong, and for the love of god, turn down every offer for plus-sized mall work that get's trown at you when you are booted off the show. I will cry tears of Swanson Hungry Man Dinners if I see Whitney in a Torrid or Lane Bryant ad post-ANTM.

So, next week Fatima might get the boot for being an Illegal. It's fun to pronounce it like a Boot-Black from 19th Century England. Fatima is goe-enn to get keeked out foe bee-yan an Eee-lee-gull! Its not funny to joke about, cause I had a friend who was deported back to India. We used to call him Brown Zach Braff for obvious reasons. The worst part was he was pretty well off and spoke great English and everything and dressed pretty sharp. Its not like he was some dirka-dirka terrorist or anything. Wow, did I just say dirka-dirka? Meh - earlier this evening I was wearing a scarf on my head, pretending to be Yasser Arafat, so I am pretty much the most ignorant hick around.
(Yes, I know that dirka-dirka is joke-speak for Arabic, not Hindi. I am not completely stupid).

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 6

First off, my one and only Intern, Intern Tylerface, has his own website!! That's right - you can read his hilariousness at Tylerface's Space. I strongly suggest you check it out; not that it is much different from here, but it is cute nonetheless.
ON TO THE SKANKS!!
The Parade of Lame continues this week with Claire hating Dominique, Whitney hating Dominique, Lauren hating Dominique, Anya hating sunlight. My god, could this episode get any more dull? They were fighting over a fucking alarm clock! Remember when the littlest thing would set these hos off? Now it's like they internalize everything and the one time they blow up, it's for something super-trivial. Jesus, my sister's alarm clock used to go off all the time while she slept through it. You know what I did? Bitch about out? Hells no, I yanked that shit out of the wall. Bingo bango. Usually my sister would lose her shit once I pulled the clock (with due reason - it used to take her so long to program the time and alarm) so she would try to get me back by turning my alarm off while I slept or by using my toothbrush to scratch her ass. V for Vendetta was based off our relationship. Anyways, let's talk about these hoodrats, shall we?
This week Tyra met the girls at a dance studio to show them how to pose like they were in pain. If this was the future and we had two-way televisions, I would have won that challenge. I am in extreme pain everytime Tyra's mug is on the screen. I'm sure Tyra put the girls in red; Tyra needed them to take the attention off her fat ass in that tight bodysuit. Surriously, when she was lying on her back grabbing her ankles - I would bet a good $1000 that she split the crotch out of those leggings. The stitching must have been hanging in there for dear life. But enough about Tyra's thunder thighs (really - I can't talk about it anymore. I get the same feeling when I eat too much cottage cheese. Very nauseous).
Shall we talk about the pictures now? Yes? I agree. This week, they had to dress up like music genres. LAME!! They should have just done more nude shoots with Nigel Barker. Oh wells, let's start with who won; Fatty Fatty Fat Fat aka The Cheesecake Factory aka Whitney!!Grunge
I am SO HAPPY homegirl won, cause she is a disaster and she deserved to come first this week. I would love to see her in the final 3, but she has a bit of a glandular problem and that seems to be a sideliner in the modeling industry. Maybe she will be lucky enough to work after the show? I am thinking Addition Elle or Torrid.

And who packed their Samsonites this week? That's right, I totally called it...Aimee, R&B
What a boring piece of toast. I hated when Anya went for the photoshoot and she was all like "I'm a mormon, so that would be improper of me because my body is a temple". Yeah, my body is a temple too; the kind that has seen a couple hundred lonely Monks sleep in it (what does that even mean?). What the hell kind of modeling did she think she was going to do? I can just imagine her practicing her JC Penney poses at home; wearing Blossom hats and overalls with one strap undone. Tommy Girl!

Anya, Punk
Wow, I can't believe it, but she actually pulled off the punk thing. Although is this really what they thing Punk is? Wow, the ANTM producers are old.
PS - Anya, get some toner for your hair; you are starting to ape Betty White.

Claire, Country
What the hell?!?! It's like they took anything that has ever been associated with Country and barfed it up on Claire. What the hell?!?! Oh my god, I was embarrassed for her - she looked like Jessica Simpson in Blonde Ambition.

Dominique, Folk
Ugly ugly ugly. When will she get kicked off?!?

Fatima, Metal
This shot is so goofy and stupid AND I LOVE IT!! When you are essentially doing a parody of Bret Michaels, then do it up campy. Although her pants are dangerously close to Camel Toe Territory. Fatima - always remember to do a 'creep sweep'.

Katterginna, Emo
She's gonna get a hair cut next week!! I can't wait to see it. Hopefully, she will look a little less 1-900-RUSSIAN-SLUTS.

Lauren, Pop
What is this? She looks like an extra in a Devo music video. They probably toyed with the idea of Lauren doing the Punk shot, but thought she wouldn't be believable enough. "I'm so punk rock!" - yeah, sure you are, Lauren. Keep listening to your Clash Greatest Hits CD.

Stacy Ann, House
You’re watching MTV 4: the alternative to the alternative. Next up, Deep House Dish.
Woooo! Woo! Welcome to Deep House Dish, the only show devoted to house music, and dishing out the latest house, and techno music stars. I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag.

Next week...Lauren loses her shit (argh! So punk rawk!!) and Whiteny gets told she is a lardass. Basically, this week's episode Part 2. See you then!!

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 5

Allow me to take this time, not to discuss the rest of the models or this week's photoshoot (which was L-A-M-E. Honestly, what the hell? I got the paint, but modeling accessories? When you cover them in a shitload of plastic-ass Chanel joo-rey and cover thems ups in paint and cellophane, they all started to look the same) but to discuss the death of Marvita from ANTM. People, I have not been this moved since Jael got the axe so many seasons ago. Marvita was more than a girl from the ghetto. She was a Ghetto Girl with a dream; a dream to model Lot 29 and Roca Wear. To someday move up to the ranks of Baby Phat or Apple Bottoms, or maybe to shine in a print ad for House of Dereon. But those dreams were dashed, thrown out into the wind like one of Benny Ninja's Saturday night condoms. Marvita is gone. Back to the ghetto where she will resume her job at Chillis or TJ Maxx.
Today there will be no play by play (mostly cause this week's episode was BORING AS SHIT) in honour of Marvita and her struggles to become America's Next Top Model. Let us all take a moment of silence for Marvita. We will not forget your ghetto-ness, you Black stereotyping, your unpleasant hoodrat demeanor. The way you would sneer at Fatima or how you would bitch out Allison.
Marvita's Weave-Mullet will be thrown into the Hudson River today at 2:00pm.
'Coz I know I'ma meet you up at the crossroad
Y'all know y'all forever got love from them Bone Thugs, baby
Peace out, Marveets. Peace out.

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 4

Okay, this is gonna be super-short this week, because as you know, I am sick as hell. Fuck you, white blood cells! Do your damn job, you lazy assholes!! Ugh, this may be a little messed-up because I just drank 2 mugs of Neo-Citran. Delicious Neo-Citran. I really wish they sponsored me. Because my AA sponsor said he can't work with me anymore. Something about being a 'lost cause'. Pfft, moving on. Just make with the pictures, Edith...

This week's winner would not be my first choice. Probably my second. Still good, though...Anya
Anya is great - the judges had it right on - Anya is disgusting in real life and gorgeous in pictures. Have you ever heard the saying she is why cavemen painted on walls? Anya is why Adobe created Photoshop.

And of course, there has to be one ultimate loser. I didn't see this one coming...

(Note: when I went to get the picture for Amis, there wasn’t one posted. It’s like the CW and ANTM are so embarrassed of her, they want to eliminate her from everyone’s memories. In all fairness, though, her shot was abysmal).

Amos
Oh wait, yes I did! Why, honestly, was Amis picked? Hell, why was Kimberly picked? Anyways, how lame was that girls headband? Ugh, I am SO OVER those American Apparel headbands. Everytime I see one, I want to punch the wearer in the face. Same goes for: leggings, Iranian scarves, H&M's fake leather bomber jackets, Wayfarers. DUNZO.

But enough about played out Urban Outfitters employees. Let's check out the rest of the vermin in the Rat's Nest, shall we? Aimee
So boring. So effing boring. I think she will be next to go.Claire
There are two things that bother me about Claire:
1) Her hair looked so much better when it was black and half-shaved. She looks too much like Rosie O'Donnell's girlfriend now.
2) Homegirl is hurting for a bra. Can we not get her a bra? Please.Jeremy's Mom
I know that I make fun of Dominique for looking like a Soccer Mom, but for reals - she is an inspiration to MILFs and Cougars everywhere. Good for you, Dominique! You can be 40 and sexy!Fatima
Did you watch her walk? Oh. My. God. I don't even know what to call that. Miss J called it marching, but I call it prancing. She prances like when I call my dog to dinner. And let me tell you, my dog is a prancy-pants. America's love affair with Fatima is over.Katterginna
I was glad she won the runway challenge...untill I realized that her prize was a Lot 29 photo-shoot. Ew! That is like a public shaming! I would rather people find out I suck dick for weed than to find my face in a Lot 29 ad. You think I'm joking, but i am dead serious. Lot 29 will haunt your ass for years.Lauren
Walks like a newborn baby deer. Also, if she says 'I'm a punk girl' one more time, I will hunt her down (it won't be hard - there are only 2 Hot Topics in New York) and slap that ho. And Lauren - you obvs don't want to be there! If modeling was what you are 'living for' or whatever bullshit models spout out, then you would have learned to walk and pose by now. Kick her oooout!Marvita
Next week she gets into a pose-off with Benny Ninja. Ooh! Lover's quarrell! Marvita has plenty of gifts; long legs, strong eyes. But someone needs to get her the greatest gift of all. Proactive.Stacy-Ann
I am so bored with Stacy-Ann too. She needs to leave. No drama, no fighting. She doesn't pick sides. Long story short, not good for TV.Whitney
I would have picked Whitney for the win, but Anya stole that shit. Whitney is fat as hell, but she is pretty and takes great shots. Also, she gets into a crazy fight next week where she get's called a Racist by Dominique. Pot calling the Kettle black. Dominique is a cold-ass Chola and urrbody knows that Cholas be racist as shit. I would love to say the fight goes somewhere, but this crew is so dullsville that it will go like this:

Whitney: Black girls have better weaves than white girls
Dominique: You is racist!!
Whitney: DON'T CALL ME RACIST!!
Dominique: Okay...I'm sorry. That was out of line.
Whitney: I accept your apology.

Ugh, so boring. Anyways, let's all watch next week as Jaslene crawls her way back into another episode (she needs the $$) and lets all cross our fingers that Tyra doesn't sing again (oh god! Her voice raped my ears!!)

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 3 - MAKEOVERS!

Hhhhhokay, so Intern Tylerface wrote the best summation of last night’s episode. Hurr it is…
Last nights episode was intense! Who am I kidding, it was a snore fest. That being said, it was "Tears n' Weaves" and there were weaves a many. Tyra decided it would be fun to scare all the girls shitless by not telling them what they were going to do to their hair, and only show them their final result. Everyone actually seemed decent towards the end! I was surprised, really. Except by Hawaii (AKA: Anya). Her hair was bleached and so were her eyebrows. Bitch looked like Gwen Stefani with that shit. God, it looked so horrible. She looked like me - eyebrowless. (DON'T FRONT!) Marvita got some fucked up ''horse mane'' thing, Claire got her hair bleached and it looks trashy. Hells! There are tonnes of fake blondes and fake red heads now! Lauren looks exceptionally good, but maybe I only say that 'cause she's my fave. Dominique still looks trannylicious. (OMFG! Who else shit themselves when they heard her say "I have to be the mother and the father..." Bitch could pass for either any day.) Who else? Ah, who cares. They modeled Elle McPhearson's lingerie! At least she was there, though. Most of the time I bet the designers don't even know what their clothes are being used for. It's probably just Tyra saying "Y'all, could I borrow about.. oh I don't know - twelve different outfits for the evening?" and when she brings them back the designers can smell ''bad model'' on them. Now, it could either mean Tyra wore them all herself, or she was filming an episode of ANTM. Who knows!

So today (uh, it’s The Mayor again) in honour of watching Rock of Love for the first time last night (I know! How was I not watching that beautiful, poignant show?!?) I will be playing a little game called Roses and Thorns. That means that for every thorn (negative thing) I have to say one rose (positive thing). Because every rose has it’s thorn…. (Ah just need some face time! – Rodeo). I will also be putting who they look like (I felt like I was watching a Celebrity Impersonators episode last night).This week’s loser…Allison
Thorn: Oh god, where do we start?!? She is such.a.bitch. Homegirl needs a reality check, stat. She is a) not that pretty and b) not talented in the least. And besides…NOBODY INSULTS NIGEL BARKER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
Rose: she will get work somewhere, so no tears for Allison. She would be a shoo-in as a Guess model.
She looka-like…a cross between Lacey Chabert and Eva Longoria. Not a good look for anyone.This week’s winner…Lauren
Thorn: she looks a little a point guard in basketball. Also, I hate how she was like “I’m usually in Chucks”. Uh, did you see her Chucks? They were like brand new. Something tells me she just bought her first pair a few days before shooting.
Rose: Girl had it goin' on. The editors made it seem like she was doing bad, but her little "woah I'm gonna fall off the boat like, right now....”
She is not one to mess with. I think she will be in the final 3.
She looka-like…a bit like Sarah Polley Aimee
Thorn: One of the new “fingers” (fake Gingers). Her shot was okay, but we've gotten used to the fact that she's gonna slide right through this until Tyra's like: "Oh, you're still here?"
Rose: she has a great body. She worked that lingerie.
She looka-like…not really anyoneAmos
Thorn: Girl was saved from the bottom two by the horrible skin of her face. She's my bet as to who's going next week.
Rose: …uh….she’s friendly!
She looka-like…a man! That terrible weave makes her look like a frat boy in dragAnya
Thorn: my eyes are bored.
Rose: if they let her, she could work such a Gwen Stefani Sweet Escape look
She looka-like…a Downs Syndromed Kate HudsonClaire
Thorn: I. Hate. Her. Hair. Wait, didn't I say I liked everyone's makeovers? Fuck it. I lied. This shit is disgusting. The picture doesn't do anything for me either.
Rose: when her roots grow out a little, she is gonna look mega-fierce.
She looka-like…Susan Powter and JaelDominique
Thorn: Tranny had some stretch marks! Understandable now that I know she's a mom. Tyra was like; "You can cover that up when you pose." Pfft. Aren't airbrushers and photoshop experts supposed to do that? No wait - they were probably too fucking tired after photoshopping Tyra's photo and Amis' face.
Rose: Tyra is letting her have another makeover next week! Thank god, cause she is looking BEAT! Plus, she no longer looks like a Chola-Jordan
She looka-like…a soccer mom/Frances McDormand in FargoFatima
Thorn: Mmm... girl's gettin' on my last nerve. I love the way she unknowingly insults everyone. Her picture was so Iman, though. It was good, in my opinion - but what do I know as the consumer? You know; the person that actually looks at the photos in stores to see if I actually wanna buy... oh wait. None of them get that far!
Rose: THEY GOT RID OF THAT SHITTY POODLE HAIR!! Her hair was so effing gross – it looked like a wig made from Cocker Spaniel puppies. Her hair is a huge improvement.
She looka-like…Iman. Which is not a good thing. If an agency wants a model that looks like Iman, they will hire Iman. Case closed.Katterginna
Thorn: oh my god, they were too kind to her when they said she looked like a Mail Order Bride. She looks like a straight-up porn star.
Rose: her hair colour looks great on her.
She looka-like…Chantal from Cycle 9Marvita
Thorn: that mullet weave!
Rose: Gosh, I'm seriously beginning to like this chilwe! She may have her bad attitude, and rough, manly exterior - but you know homegirl sleeps with a stuffed animal. That bein' said, girl took a really great photo. Even though they were in front of the Brooklyn Bridge, that shit was totally fake behind her.
She looka-like…Chris Rock and OmarosaStacy-Ann
Thorn: Why do they love her facial features? She's like, square.
Rose: um…I just don’t know. I really could do without her. I think her hair looks…uh…short.
She looka-like…black Paris HiltonWhitney
Thorn: she needed to fierce that shot up. It looks so Victoria’s Secret/Cosmo/Sex and the City (mainstream boring girls)
Rose: in the photo, Whitney is wearing a corset and Tyra was like "I wanna see your fat!" Well... basically. But it’s true – she has a great body for someone with a little…extra carriage. She needs to show it off.
She looka-like…Cher in the Clueless TV show and Anna Nicole Smith (RIP!)

Next Week on ANTM…The girls freak on Whitney! They'd all best back off. I bet she could like, crush em. I heart (disease) Whitney. And Miss J goes loco on Amos and Fatima. Yes! Someone’s gonna put Fatima in her place!

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 2

Intern Tylerface: KAY SO BASICALLY. Fatima is a bitch - but an innocent bitch? Girl has valid points, but doesn't know what the fuck she's saying or when to stop. When another girl has a knife to you're throat; you shut up. Fact. (Kay, that didn't happen - but it might. Trust.) Marvita likes to say "The meanest African I know!" all the time. Um, girl. You're up there, too - so you'd best tone that down - but she and Fatima sorted it all out! Besides, it's a family drama! ALSO! Did you enjoy the new theme song video thing? I sure did. Taking Saleisha was the best thing Tyra's done for the show since Janice left. Mind you, Saleisha winning was the WORST thing Tyra's done for the show, so I guess all in all - she's breaking even so far, but she's bound to fuck it up. Seriously, if I see one more super hero, space adventure or freefalling photo shoot again I will kill someone. So, runway show. Boring, pretty much everyone sucks. Lauren cannot walk, like at all - but bitch has an amazing face. Kimberly was like "It's crazy to pay like, $2000 on an outfit, like that's totally crazy. Ya know?" and I'm all "What the fuck are you doing here then?" and it didn't click! She was the one Tyra went fucking batshit on in panel! Long story short it went something like this:

"I'm not interested in fashion."
*collective gasp!*
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to be here?"
"No."
"Then leave."

BUT OF COURSE SHE WAS GOING HOME. I mean, they picked 14 girls, right? And Tyra said even though one quit putting the number to 13, she was still going to eliminate someone. Meaning they'd be at the number of girls they usually would! So, that means there's another RE-CAP episode. Oh, fuck me.

The Mayor: Also this episode we got our new judge! Who would be joining Janice Dickinson and Twiggy in the Old Hag Club? That's right, the glamorous and famous Paulina Porzikova.
Insert cricket noises here.
I know, I have no idea either. I had to actually Google her to find out how to spell her name correctly. From now on, we will refer to her as Not-Twiggy, because she isn't Twiggy. It seems she also isn't employed, because she took a job on ANT-motherfucking-M. Another notable note is Miss J's glitter velcro-name jacket. I wish he would rip the name off when the girl is standing there. Imagine how awesome that would be? Tyra is like "you have to pack up your bags and leave the house" and then Miss J rips that velcro name off and throws it at her. Can this be arranged? Can a bucket of pig's blood be arranged? No? Ugh, I never get what I want.
Anyways, let's move on to the vermin, shall we?ANYA
This week's winner was Anya aka Hawaii. She is gonna be around for a while, I can feel it. She has something, and I think she will get better as the weeks progress. And thankfull this isn't America's Next Top English Speaking Person, because she would be dead in the water. If you want to write something that sounds like Anya, go to Babelfish and type in a sentance. Translate it from English to Japanese, then back to English again. It's fun, watch...
"Tyra! I am be this way happy for on the next highest model of America! Each day a new challenge, and I is will not let down you!"
It actually sounds less retarded than when they read out the LED Tyra mails. Anyways, this week's loser (but aren't they all?) was...ATALYA
Grow up, bitch! How many times did I need to hear her be like "I'm justa kid! I miss my mama!!" Ugh, shit. Cut the strings already. You can tell she is gonna be one of those women who gets married and moves into the house next door to her mom. I loved though when they kicked her out and she was like "the hardest part will be going back to my family". Uh, what? Don't you live for Friday Night Scrabble with your family? Bleh, I can't even bother to make more jokes about her. Dunzo!AIMEE
Snore...ALLISON
Why has no one made the Sarah Silverman connection yet? Just looks though. Sarah is sharp as a tack, and Allison is dumb as a pile of dogshit.
Jay: Do you have dance training?
Allison: I do pilates.
Whaaa? What a fucking retard. He asked if you dance, not if you do pointless stretches. Oh well, she looks like a wet bag of clothes anyways.AMOS
I know she thinks she is more quirky than a pile of Juno DVDs, but she tries so damn hard, it is killing me. Ugh, she is so painfully normal. I bet she watches Gossip Girl and owns Fergie's album.CLAIRE
Fantasgreat. She is gonna be one of the last 3 names on Miss J's coat (if she doesn't go all "boo hoo, I miss my baby" on us).DOMINIQUE
Why was she so surpirsed when Paulina called her a tranny? Something tells me she's no stranger to this scenario: meet a guy at da' cluub, goes back to his place, he takes one look at the vag and goes "oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping you were pre-op".FATIMA
Do you not see Jessica Alba in this picture? I do. Am I cray-cray? You know Fats thought she was going to win this week. She is good, but she needs to check her ego at the door (the hell? Am I a Highschool Gym teacher now?)KATTERGINNA
Tyra said she looked a lot like Paulina. Duh, all us Slavics look alike. We're like Asians - you can't tell us apart.KIMBERLY
Don't let the door hit your fucked-up face on the way out! LAUREN
Something seems fake about Lauren. I'm not sure why...oh yeah, a real punk wouldn't audition for ANTM. Her shot is okay. But then again, you really can't fuck up 'homeless'.MARVITA
Her shot is great. i am rooting for her. I really honestly believe herr story. But when she said she was homeless at 18, something tells me it was probably just for the weekend or something.STACY-ANN
Something about Stacy-Ann screams Chilis waitress. And, lucky for her, most Chilis will hold your job for you while you take a leave of absence. WHITNEY
...doesn't really look that fat in her picture. Hmmm. Dare I say it? I think she is actually good. Not great, but good. I have a sneaking suspicion she will be most successful fatty in ANTM history. Ahaha, what am I saying? I act like that is a good thing.

Next week on America's Next Top Model...Allison says something rude to Fatima. Let me guess...something about Female Circumcision. Maybe she will ask if she can use tampons or something. WHY IS CYCLE 10 SO LAME?!?
Aaaaannndd...MAKEOVERS aka Tears n' Weaves. I can’t wait to see what they do to Dominique; I’m betting on less hair and more estrogen shots.

America's Next Top Model, Cycle X (that means 10)

Oh yeah, fucking reunited and it feels so good. How much were you missing ANTM? I know; it feels like just yesterday Saleisha was working her Tootie-ass haircut and flubbing her way through a CoverGirl commercial. But we are back. Cycle 10. 10 cycles, and the only thing to ‘top model’ we have gotten has been Adrienne Curry in Playboy? Wow. I would say it might be time to hang in the towel, but then my only source of stupid attention-seeking hos would be Rock of Love. But moving on. I have Tylerface back again (thank Jeebus – was I ever getting a shitstorm of hatemail after he left). And you know – Tylerface made a great point. ANTM is nothing but stupid white girls and crazy aggressive black girls.
And as always, I refer to the ANTM house as ‘The Dog Pound’, but since the house ahs moved to New York from LA, let’s call it ‘The Rat’s Nest’, shall we? Let’s take a look at this season’s vermin…(sidebar – all the comments are a combo of mine and Tylerfaces. I get too much grief for having long-ass ANTM posts, and this seems to be the only way around it. My apologies to Tylerface, who’s jokes may feel a little lost. Shine like a bright star, my angel! Ride the rainbows of love!)AIMEE
I think this is the one that was like "WANNA SEE MY PUBIC HAIR?!" Aimee is defs going to be the ‘maybe gay-be’ of Cycle 10. Trust.ALLISON
In pictures, she looks like Jaslene’s younger, less-tranny sister. On tape, she is straight-up Sarah Silverman. Bitch, Sarah do Jew better than you. Check yourself.AMIS
I bet she will be the one to change her name (remember how Tyra asked her and Aimee to separate their names?) She will probably go with something fucking stupid like Flower or Destiny. She looks really bored, and I bet she'll be really showing that during the competition. Go home, chilwe.ANYA
This is the Hawaiian girl who speaks with a really weird accent and it's hella annoying. She was like: "And tha foodt like, tastid sao goodt!" or something. Anyway; I've never heard a person from Hawaii sound like that. Also: Tyra was like "Do you got a surfers' accent?!" and she's like "Yeah, sure." Tyra. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. This is why you're a model.ATALYA
Nope. Don't remember. Get outta ma face.CLAIRE
Homegirl is exotic looking as hell, but she is such a fucking hippie. Jay was right – she will drop out of this competition because ‘models are vapid’ and ‘this industry is shallow’. Which is all code for ‘I’m an Oldie Olsen who is well past modeling prime and I won’t get much farther than modeling zipper pants on the Hot Topic website’.DOMINIQUE
This is the resident tranny of cycle 10. She looks like Katie Price (AKA: Jordan). And, that's not a good thing. At all.FATIMA
I really want to make a joke about Fatima (Tyler loves the hair, I hate it) but homegirl was the victim of FGM (female circumcision) when she was 7 back in Somalia. Think about all the dumb shit you complain about every day. Now think about getting your vag sewn shut. Now think about having your vag sewn shut, but looking fierce as hell. That’s Fatima.KATARZYNA aka Ted Kazinsky
What is it with East Block Euro Girls and ‘fashion model poses’? She reminds me of Borat; methinks we will be getting a lot of ‘wa-wa-wee-wa’ and ‘jagshemash’ from this one.KIMBERLY
Ahem. This girl looks like Julia Styles, who I think is pretty. So, not bad. She's also as retarded as Tara Reid. So, that cancels out how pretty she is and then some. She'll be like, three weeks into this, (if she even gets that far) and be like "Woah, who are you again?"LAUREN
She's like cycle 10's Jael. (Seriously, you can barely understand what she mumbles.) Her walk is bad, but she's interesting to look at and is obviously different from all the girls. Besides, the one that says something like "I didn't know what America's Next Top Model was before today..." are the most fun to watch. It's like watching a dog walk on it's hind legs. I think that she is the one Tyra reams out next week. MARVITA
She looks like Benny Ninja’s boyfriend. Also, one time I watched this documentary called Paris is Burning about the gay Vogue scene back in the late 80’s, and I think Benny Ninja is in it. Someone gets stabbed. It’s a great movie. I think Marvita is in it.STACY-ANN
She probably thought she was really turning Jay Manuel on with that lap dance. “Waitress? I ordered the beef, not the fish”. WHITNEY
The fatty of the year. That's twice now that the two plus size girls are named Whitney. It's a fat name! Maybe her last name is Swanson. Tyler, stop! I really wish there was a grocery crisis in the ANTM house and somebody tells Whitney “you are as big as a house, and you are eating us out of house and home”. I would. Just for funners!!
Next week…Tyra wigs out (ahahaa, no pun intended) on one of the girls for not wanting to be there. Tyler says it will be Lauren, I say Claire. There is also a runway show, to which I hope someone falls. Please god, let somebody go down like the Hindenburg.

In the words of Teen Girl Squad: It's Over!

Oh, you know I brought back my Miss J for this week's round-up: Intern Tylerface!!
Okay, last night I was discussing with my waxer (yes, I need waxing at such frequent intervals that I have a regular waxer. I am, how you say, like Chewbacca) that ANTM dropped the boat on the Welcome Back, Kotter episode where all the models come back and they do a bit of a re-cap episode. Additionally, we both noticed that the season finale was oddly missing an hour (2 hours down to one). To which my waxer said “its obvious why they fast-tracked to the finale; nobody gives a shit who wins”. Touche!
Anyways, how lame was that runway show? Let’s go to Tyler for his thoughts, which sum it up much better than mine.

Intern Tylerface: The runway show was horrible! It went a little something like this.
"NOW ENTERING TYRA BANKS!"
Oh, and by the way - there's nobody watching this as it happens).
So, crickets - and the two remaining are like, "Wow! This is my dream! It's coming true!" Your dream is to be walking a long runway with nobody watching except Tyra Banks, who is probably thinking about lunch? Yeah, no. But I have a bone to pick with that little ho named Ms. Banks.

Jenah may have been frontin' a lil', but seriously. Didn't her mother leave the family when she was young or something? Like, give her a break. Chantal was like "I wouldn't like my sisters looking up to her." and Jenah like, started yelling and then burst into tears. Now, Tyra was supportive of her and was like "GIRL YOU FOUND YOURSELF ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL!" but then she's like, "Haha. You suck, bitch!" and kicked her out! I'm like, WTF! So, I'm pissed and really don't care who wins now, and although I'll watch cycle 10, I've like, lost all respect for the show. Damn you, Tyra. Damn you to a Swanson TV Dinnerless hell!

The Mayor: She kicked her out because Tyra doesn’t want someone with a more rags-to-riches story than her. Although I am not too sure what that story may be. Also, Jenha was an ugly piece of shit. She was a huge case of pretty on the outside; homegirl acted like they should be kissing her ass everytime she showed up to a photoshoot. That’s not how it works, Jenah!

Intern Tylerface: Chantal and Saleisha. Wow. Snore. Saleisha walks it like she's struttin' it in the streets of New York like, "Hey girl! Look at dese new pumps I gets from Payless!" but yet she's wearing a huge high fashion dress. Chantal on the other hand was thinking a little bit too much about how she really needed to shit or something, and walked like she was gonna explode - and then she tripped the stilts guy! Oh, Chantelly Belly - you make me chuckle.

The Mayor: I laughed so much when she tripped that stilts guy. You can tell he was thinking (in a horribly inaccurate Chinese accent) “I go to Chairman Mao School of Acrobatics for this? To be tripped by stupid white American girl while massive fake-haired feedbag ghetto peacocks around temple. So much dishonour-a fall upon family.”

Intern Tylerface: So, "America's Next Top Model for the win..." etc.
SALEISHA!
Wow. We didn't see that one coming. Seriously. You fuck up on the runway, and it doesn't matter if you've taken stellar photos since the beginning. You suck! But, I must say! The pictures Saleisha had for SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE or something with Tyra were really good! So, I guess I'm happy for her - but bitch better work it or I'll buss' a cap.

The Mayor: Let’s be honest here. Saleisha will do her little Seventeen shoot, her one crappy CoverGirl ad will run in Seventeen, and then we will see her doing advertisements for Lot 29. Visit it, and you will totally know what I am talking about.

See you all when CNTM debuts! Although my friend Annie claims that Australia’s Next Top Model is WAY BETTER so we may have to do that one too.

America's Next Top Tranny - Cycle 9: THE FINAL 3!

Nooo! Bianca is a goner!! Cycle 9 is just like Cycle 7; two blonde hos and a black girl. Speaking of which, remember Eugenia? She was like Bianca. Oh, I miss Bianca already! Why? Why?!? Why Jenah? She is such a whiny bitch!! "I wanna go home and see my little sisters!! I miss them! Boo hoo!" Jesus Christ, how long does ANTM shoot for? 5 or 6 weeks or something? She was acting like she hasn't been home in years. Anyways, I can't dwell on the past - Bianca is gone, and I refuse to post her shot because it was so terrible. If you want to know what it looked like, go take a photo of the umbrellas in your hallway closet. Speaking of nutjobs (wait, what?) the ANTM producers need to stop letting Tyra take pictures. Hell, you can let her take pictures, but can you just limit her screen time? She was like a raving-ass lunatic. I felt so bad for the Chinese models. Imagine if you were on a shoot and some batshit-crazy Chinese photographer with 40 lbs of human hair sewed to her head was bounding around wearing (very) unflattering khakis? And she kept running up to you pounding her chest going "Hello! Zhang-Ng!! Hello! Zhang-Ng!!" Could they not teach Tyra to say a few more words than 'Hello' in Chinese? Yeah, you're right; lost cause. Tyra has a one track mind: wigs, defeating Oprah, wigs, supremacy over the contestants, wigs. Now, on to the final three.

SALEISHA
Tootie looks pretty damn fierce here. What the fuck is with the bun on the head? Twiggy was right though; you don't even notice the Great Wall in this shot. Good job, Tooters. Will she be in the final 2? I think so. I think Jenah will be gone next. Aw, what do I know? Saleisha could get the boot. At least she will have this shot to show the guy interviewing her at Forever 21. "I think I would be a great addition to the Forever 21 crew, because I am confident, and honest, and reliable. Plus, take a look at this shot! Do you have any other models working here?"
"Um yes, Saleisha, we do."
"Oh...well. Did I mention I used to work at Old Navy?"

CHANTAL
This is pretty cool. Her hair sort of looks like a giant blonde turd, though. Does anybody else see a big turd? I'm the only one? Aw, horse apples. Chantal might get eliminated next; she is just too generic. Or, as Miss J said, she looks like a Boat Model. She reminds me of that car model from the Mr. Plow episode of The Simpsons where every guy fills out a ballot to win a truck and he goes "do YOU come with the car?" and she just giggles and goes "oh, you! Tee hee hee!" That is Chantal in a nutshell.

JENAH
I was bored with you from the start, and I am still bored with you. Also, you picked out the crappiest Chinese dress. What is she, a Disney Princess? What was with that collar and the ballroom skirt? I just shook my head when I saw that.

So, next week! I think it is going to be the re-cap episode where they bring all the hos back and they sit with Tyra / Queen T and talk about the show, and then Heather will talk about how the show really helped her battle her crippling fight with Assburgers, and Sarah will be skinny or something, and Lisa will make up some story about how she is still reaching for the stars and pursuing her modeling career (when in reality she is probably crying every day in the shower like Tobias Funke).
So who will be the final 2? I am going to put my money on Chantal (for sure) and Saleisha (50/50). Leave your predictions afterr the jump!

America's Next Top Aspegers: Take a Lap

Yeah, sorry, I wasn't able to get a picture of the Crouching Tiger, Flying Tranny shots yet, so we will have to do with what we gots. Moving on. Today is a very special day for me. Today marks the beginning of a Final Four without Heather. And this is good news, cause bitch was getting on my nerves! When it came down to the final two, and it was just Heather and Jenah stading there, I was like "Dear baby Jesus. You know I hate Jenah with a passion. I think she is a turd-with-a-weave. But please have Heather eliminated. Amen."
I felt like Sophie's Choice at the judging. Did I want them to elimitate the retarded Jenah who has been boring me week after week with her innane and lame shots? Or did I want them to elimitate the girl who took 6 hours to go see one designer. Hello, 6 hours?!?! That's not Aspegers, people, that's a serious case of Fucking Moron. How does it take one almost 6 hours to go a couple of blocks down the street and back? I also loved when she was all pouty and lame and was like "all the signs are in Chinese...it's all Greek to me". Um, yeah. This isn't a trick thrown into the plan by Tyra to challenge you, homegirl. You are in MOTHERFUCKING CHINA!! All the signs should be in Chinese! And seriously, if the Ghetto Girls (Binaca and Saleisha) could do 4 go-sees and still make it back on time, then you should be able to as well.

I cannot even comment on the pictures, as they were such a dismal mess. Let me break it down for you: H&M meets china dresses and people holding lion puppets and chopsticks in the hair. The end.

OOh, now is the time I predict who will be the final 3! I am going to bet dollars to donuts that Jenah will be eliminated (sorry, Jenn L).
The final 3 will be Binaca, Saleisha, and Chantal. Who do you think the final 3 will be? Leave it in the comments!

America's Next Top Tranny: First week in China! Big American Party! Everybody disco dancing!!

I could have easily, EASILY gone with a "who is driving? Bear is driving?!? How can this be?" joke, but I didn't. Sorry, it just wasn't in me this morning. I am very very happy though, and I am sure you know why...
Cue Handel's MessiahLisa's gone! Praise