I CAN HAS DOOSHBAGZ?

Click to make big. Trust, you will want to see the fine details.

Ah mah gahd! People, I don't want to trivialize any of your emails or letters or whathaveyou.
But.
Take a look at the picture above, and hang your heads in shame. This is THE BEST letter I have ever received (that's actually saying a lot, because one time I got a letter from Princess Diana when I was a little girl and that was the shit back in the day. I also got a autographed picture of Mr. T, but they are both headed for the fireplace aka the open fire in a garbage can behind my apartment building). There is a new Baby in the house; hit the bricks once-was adorable 3-year-old.
Anyways, let me give you a little backstory. This is from Josie, a reader who lives in Ottawa, Ontario. She saw the post a while back calling for drawings of inanimate objects come to life or American Apparel dooshbags. Some of you would do one; she did both. In the same drawing. And cut and pasted the whole thing to an 8.5 x 11 piece of construction paper. Ho-lee shit, this is great, eh? PS - in case you can't really see it, the American Apparel model is made out of a tampon. Something tells me Josie spends a little too much time smelling car exhaust (GUILTY! That shit smells great). Let's take a look at the 6 Signs of American Apparel Douchebaggery:
1. Classic American Apparel headband
True dat. Any fucker wearing one of those Tard Snaps should be burned. Ugh, in the words of Regina George: "Stop trying to make Headbands happen! It's not going to happen!"
2. Dirt Stache
Growing minimal, patchy facial hair makes you look like Justin Timberlake, not Vincent Gallo. You basically look like NSYNC. And for the guys who are essentially growing teen staches? Take it easy! You are all starting to look like a little JD Samson army.
3. V-Neck girl-coloured shirt
I can't hate on this one - they are called the 25/25/50 tees and they are awesome. I also like how guys buy the girl colours (pink, mauve, pale yellow) and the girls buy the boy colours (navy, hunter green, maroon).
4. Fanny Pack
It says "...why??", but when I first read it, I thought it said "...gay!" I clearly need glasses. But can we pretend for a moment Josie did call the Fanny Pack gay? I know some classless-ass Homos that wouldn't touch a fanny pack if it was filled with Madonna and George Michael's hair. So when I say gay, I mean lame beyond lame. You can't take Fanny Packs as your own, Hipsters; they are owned by Red State Vacationing Moms. The Peggy Hills of the world, if you will. Anyways, why do they embrace the Fanny Pack? Pfft...I dunno. Cause they are stupid, I guess.
5. Metallic Spandex
You know how I feel about metallic spandex. It is a fat girl magnet. And let's face it - cottage cheese asses don't need that kind of negative attention.
6. Striped Tube Socks
I love that the striped tube sock plays a pretty prominent part in the AA advertising schematic, but have you honestly ever tried to stuff those little shits into shoes? Hells naw, is right! They are so thick, you look like Cinderella's ugly-ass stepsister trying to squeeze her foot into the glass slipper. Cute looking? Yes. Practical use as socks? No.

Anyways, enjoy this little piece of art. Tres Bon!

Oh, come on!

I will make no excuses - I really love American Apparel. Yes, their clothes are over-priced and they rip and fall apart. And yes, it's essentially the uniform for hipster dooshbags, and that their employees are the paste-eating 5-year-olds of the working world. But I don't care - that shit is hot and I will buy it till the company declares bankruptcy (because coke ain't cheap, people).
Their clothes are really stylish and fit great - they make your ass and junk and bewbs look tremendous. Sadly, though, they do have some pieces in their collection that are terribly gross. Do you see where I am going with this? Cotton Wide Stripe Jersey Tank aka The Pedophile Tank
Ugh, I think there is something wrong with me because I cannot get used to seeing guys in tank tops. They look okay on girls, but there is something about a guy baring his arms that looks so weird. But there is something about this top that goes crosses the line from 'breezy summer shirt' into 'hey kid - I got a whole bag of Cherry Blasters and a bunch of comic books in my van. Wanna come see 'em?'Cotton Spandex Jersey Gloria-V Bodysuit aka The Hungry Crotch
Boys - bodysuits are gross. JSYK. They are fully dependant on you being the exact right size. Too short, and your bodysuit is bunchy and falling off your shoulders and sagging in the crotch. Too tall, and the straps are digging in to your shoulders and your labia are struggling to avoid Camel Toe Status. So the bodysuit is a no-go for most women. But this one is hideous beyond hideous. Its too see-through to wear a bra, so you are subject to flat saggy mcsaggerson bewbs, and too tight to wear underwear. Which means that your crotch is gonna get hungry and start eating that spandex jersey.Poplin Short aka Vinard
My friend Beth used to call nut stink Vinard. It makes sense - nut stink smells like vinegar and mustard. These shorts will provide you with a Costco sized ammount of Vinard.Lamé Legging aka Lame Legging
Anything glittery and stretchy are usually Fat Chick Magnets. Come on, that's not cruel - that's true. Fat girls love glittery stretchy fabrics. These leggings are no excpetion. But more importantly; are people not done with leggings yet?Fine Jersey Visor aka Dude-Bro, surriously...
Does this visor come with a bottle of Rohypnol and a 6-pack of Coronas?Lamé Suspender Swimsuit aka What The Hell?
You know how MENSA has those visual mind puzzles that test to see if you are a genius? Well, this is sort of the opposite of that. For instance, if you spend $36 on this bathing suit, then you are legally retarded (you can apply for a Handicap Parking Permit now!)Organic Infant Baby Rib Short Sleeve Lap T aka Ginger Baby!
Nothing bag about the shirt, just wanted to post a picture of a Ginger Baby. I know he is a Ginger, but come on - he is a Q-T (is his Dad a dealer, cause he's dope to me).Velour Long Sleeve Raglan aka Beers in the Basement
I know that American Apparel embraces the best styles of the 70's and 80's, but this just seems like a lazy steal from the That 70's Show wardrobe room. Also, if any of you have ever owned one of those old 80's velour shirts, you know how damn sweaty you get in it. And let me tell you - velour smells worse than vinard when you have been letting sweat and BO fester in the armpits.Cotton Spandex Jersey High-Waisted Hot Short aka I Found You, Ms. New Booty
I understand the booty shorts - they are sexy and everybody loves ass cleavage. But why the hell do they have a high-waist? What the hell is the point? They look like pregnancy shorts.