Happy Friday!!

Hey urrbods! I was going to write an essay for you, but I stumbled upon some pictures of fat animals and got sidetracked. I think I may have ADHD, except I am not hyper-active and I don't have the motivation to pay attention to anything. So, basically I am a lazy ass. Do they have drugs for that? Amphetamines? Sounds good, I'll take 200. I kid; I have never done amphetamines. I think maybe the closest I came was drinking a Neo-Citran before about 3 beers. I'm not going to lie - it was fun. For about 20 minutes. Then I barfed it all up and the lemony goodness burned up my damn esophogus. Please don't ask me why I was drinking Neo-Citran and beer; I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life, and I am pretty much legally retarded, so don't do what Donnie Don't does, k?

Moving on. Remember before I painted you a picture of The Mayor being a fucking dumbass and mentioned fat animals? That's right! Today let's take a look at some fat animals. We've all seen that fat orange cat and that massive shepherd, but do other animals get fat? You bet your fat ass they do! Let's take a look!

I want to believe this picture is photoshopped, because I have never seen a large pigeon in the city. I never feed those mangy rats, so how do they get fat? Are they eating the homeless? Hmm...think about it.

This fat squirrel looks like an overweight girl who couldn't get a date for the prom.

I thought ferrets were like little furry socks with eyes? This is more like a furry leg cast. How did this owner let its pet get so fat?!? Ferrets run 24/7 - they would have had to pin that sucker down or broken its legs or something. Or fed it cheeseburgers. I had a neighbor growing up who fed her dog what she ate. So, if she went to McDonalds she would get two cheeseburgers and two medium fries. I think the dog died of a heart attack. Kidding! It was dog cancer.

...the fuck? Not only did this woman pull an animal out of its natural environment and bring it into the people world, but she then abused the hell out of it so that if, by some strange stroke of luck, the raccoon gets out into the woods, he will be totally screwed. This raccoon couldn't defend himself against his reflection in a pond. Oh shit, imagine if the raccoon fell into your pool? Ahahaha!! What a little struggly baby!!
PS - that woman totally works at Wal-Mart.

Oooh, I want this one. What a cutie! Although sometimes it's the cute ones who are the biggest pain in the ass. This little guy probably breathes so loud and obnoxiously. Also I can imagine he would keep you up all night trying to climb up on his running wheel. All night it would be like "creeeak....crreeaakkk..." everytime he would grab the side and then fall off. You'd spend the whole night screaming 'fuck off, fatass! The wheel will give you a heart attack! Knock it off!"
Also, I know you were probably waiting for some kind of Richard Gere joke, but honestly? The man made Runaway Bride and Shall We Dance? It would just be too easy.

I really couldn't post fat animals without posting a fat cat. A girl I knew had a fat-ass cat when I was a kid. I swear to god, the cat walked on five legs; it shifted its weight from the right legs to the left to the gut. It would lay down and all its legs would be floating above the floor.

...and here's your fat poochie. This dog's eyes say "I would be happiest if someone gave me the Old Yeller treatment". God, I know. I am going to hell. Do you think that dog would float or sink? I always wonder that about fat people. Like, don't they look like you could just pick them up as if they were made out of marshmallow? Or if you poke them, they will pop like a balloon? Oh fat people; how we trivialize your situation. Just kidding! But seriously, put down the McDonalds, tubbos.

I will one-up you on cool cat names (plus one cat who I can't)

Allow me to start this post witth a little Jimmy Volmer, shall we? So, apparently they have this Facebook site called Catbook. Have you seen this? Have you heard of this? Anyways, its for people who have both a Facebook account and cats (and apparently little to no self-esteem) to create a page for their cats. Then the cats collect friends. "Thats the lamest thing I've ever heard" you say? Well, guess what - its actualy not as lame as I thought it would be. Its actually a little charming. So, if you're anything like me (or Joe Mathlete) and you hate LOLCats, then this is right up your alley. No stupid spelling, no retarded pictures. Just cats. Chillin. So as I was browsing I realized that naming your cat an out-there name has become pretty de riguer. Here are some creative cat names I found on Catbook, and think I can improve upon:

Name: Ziggy
Why? Ziggy Marley? Ziggy Stardust? The Comic Ziggy?
I would legally change that cat's name to: Zitty or Ciggie.
I'd say that Ziggy is a pretty common "look how crazy I am naming my cat this" name. Fuck, take it one further. I would go for Zitty (full name Zitty Stardust) or Ciggie, after Patty and Selma's Olympic mascot.

Name: Mr. Pants
Why? This guy wanted to one-up people who name their cats Socks
I would legally change that cat's name to: Petey Pyjamas.
Mr. Pants is funny, but you know you're gonna get lazy and shorten it down to Mister or Pants. Also, eventually you will feel weird calling it Mr. Pants all the time when you start to get visions of your senile old self 60 years from now going Mr. Pants, where are you? It's time for a Jello bath! That's why I would go for Petey Pyjamas. You can shorten it down to Petey (which is pretty cute) or PJs (which is also pretty cute). Also, I will give mad props to the reader who can identify which cartoon the name Petey Pyjamas is from.

Name: Miu Miu
Why? Miuccia Prada. Or maybe this person is Asian and this is how they spell Meow Meow
I would legally change that cat's name to: Uncle Karl Lagerfeld.
Why not? The man should have more cats named after him.

Name: Frida
Why? Frida Kahlo
I would legally change that cat's name to: Salma Hayek or Ugly Betty.
Ugh, Frida is what art school nerds name their cats. That, and Vincent or Monet. Ew! If you are going to name it after a movie starring the amazing Salma Hayek, name it after her. I think thats a pretty sexy name for a cat. But if it came down to it, I am going for Ugly Betty (Salma created the show). No wait! I change my vote! I want to now name it Ugly Betsy, the character spoof of Ugly Betty played by Fred Armisen.

The one that I cannot trump: Samsquanch.
Amazing. Naming your cat a reference in Trailer Park Boys. Beeyootiful. I was trying to think of one better (Mr. Lahey? Sunnyvale? Jonathan Torrens?) and nothing is better than Samsquanch.

If you don't have pet insurance for your pet yet, you should consider getting pet insurance for him or her. You can compare pet insurance online and see the benefits of pet insurance and you will see that it is very benefitial and relatively inexpensive.

Goddamned Ginger Wednesday

Man, I have been promising a good Ginger Wednesday for a while. And last night, through piles of sweat and blood and urine (...so much urine) I couldn't think of the Ginger to blow all the other Gingers away (Columbine stylez!)
I will say this - it was a tough race. It came down to this week's Ginger and a very well-known human Ginger (I would tell you who it is, but then I would be screwing myself out of a Ginger for next week).
So who is it? Who is this week's Goddamned Ginger? Who is the Ginger that will save me from another week of hate mail (...so much hate mail. People, were you never taught to love?!?)
This one, in the words of my good friend and daily reader Jenn L, is OFF THE CHAIN!!Name: The Owl
Age: Let's see...he was born in 81', so that would make him...25?
Why is he famous? He was the mascot of your favourtite edu-taining kids show, OWL-TV
Okay okay, so my American readers might not be too familiar with OWL-TV, so allow me to fill you in. Don't let Owl fool you - this wasn't a cartoon (a trap I fell into several times as 4-year-old Mayor). It was a live-action show about kids doing science experiments and making kites and baking shit and making volcanoes all while wearing the same RULL COOL OWL-TV t-shirt. I really wish I could get my hands on one of those (Size L, blue or brown...my birthday is coming up). They also had a talking science-class skeleton named Bonaparte. Get it? Bone-apart! Ahahahahah!!!
Back to the Owl. The Owl is a dick.
FACT: The result of a Ginger-Inferiority Complex, Owl takes great pleasure in treating anything smaller and non-Ginge as his slaves. Take this mouse, for instance. The poor thing can barely see over the edge of the paint can, and yet he is being forced by Owl to paint the OWL-TV sign week after week. I am also assuming (until the criminal defence lawyer can prove me wrong) that the paint the mouse is using is probably of a very low-grade, and most likely is lead-based. That mouse is probably dead now.
FACT: Despite the fact that OWL-TV was a show all about kids, the beginning of OWL-TV was 30-seconds of ghetto-peacocking down a street like Hitler on parade. You know how many times Owl was in the actual show? Not many, I'll tell you that. You know who SHOULD have been in the opening? Bonaparte. That would have been the most amazing opening sequence. Tonnes of marionette strings, limbs akimbo.
FACT: The Owl was used as a bumper between segments on OWL-TV. Get out of the fucking way, I wanna see those balloons!
So, with that being said, Owl from OWL-TV is a dirty Ginger. Its really too bad, cause owls are pretty rad. And this guy would be boss if he was brown, or white. And maybe if he didn't have yellow eyes. Yellow Eyes! Like Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story.
So help me god, he had yellow eyes. - Ralphie

Overrated: The Animal Kingdom Edition

The animal world is just like Hollywood; there are people who will always be around and will always stay classy (Gwenyth Paltrow) or people who are a little under the radar but are still totally cool (Chloe Sevigny). Then there are people who you wish would just drive drunk and crash their car and then flee the scene and then the cops find drugs in the glove compartment (...not so fast, Lohan...). So here are the best of the best and the lamest of the lame in the world of animals. Enjoy!

THE CLASSICS

SEALS
I think that seals may be the only animal that gets cuter as it grows up. Can't say that for kittens, now can we? Even when seals get old and fat, they just get older in years and fatter in the cute department (aka The Jowels). What other animal has its own national holiday where people track them down in huge packs to snuggle their brains out? What? They're not stalking them to snuggle them? Whugh, my bad. "Club Sandwiches, Not Seals" makes so much sense now.

KANGAROOS
Quick! Name an animal other than a kangaroo that you can box? Boxing your dog isn't boxing; that's animal abuse. There really isn't any other animal that you can throw a pair of a pair of Everlasts on and go to Tyson Town on its ass and LOSE. I'd say the only way a human could beat a kangaroo in a fight is by shooting it, but then you'd be a total dick and I'd hire a kangaroo to kick your ass.

POLAR BEARS
Jesus, what is it with the North that makes some seriously kick-ace animals? Polar bears combine the adorability of a snuggly little cotton ball (like Knut, the world's most famous P-bear) with the human-killing properties of a...well, bears. Also, you know how normal bears won't attack a human unless they feel threatened? Apparently, polar bears will attack you just cause you are there. Word.

MICE
Plenty of rodents can be cute, but what if you want a combination of cute and fast and LETHAL? What other animal can get a tonne of people sick AND sleep in a chunk of swiss cheese? Mice in the subway do that, don't they? Sleep in cheese?


THE UNDERDOGS

KOALAS
Not since the 1980's have koalas see any popularity. Seriously, do you not remember that? Olivia Newton-John and her Koala-Blue brand and Crocodile Dundee and everyone was drinking Fosters (a kid I know actually thought Australian was a language and that 'fosters' was the Australian word for 'beer') and everyone was flying Qantas and listening to Men Without Hats "I come from a land down under" and eating Vegemite...wait, no one was eating Vegemite. That stuff is SICK!
Anywhoo, koala bears are adorable and everything, but did you know:
- They are not bears
- Their claws can rip through cans and will kill you if you take away its kids or bamboo

OCTOPUS
Don't correct me and say 'octopi' you pretentious douchebag. Nobody says octopi. Anyways, what can you say about the octopus? Maybe that it constantly lives in the whale and shark's shadow? Or maybe that they used to drag ships and seamen to their deaths (although they started to knock it off somewhere around 1912 when they discovered that most seamen were sleeping with seaport hookers and were swimming with diseases). Let's just say that octopusses do a bunch of things well, but one specific thing great: when you cut off their legs and dredge them in flour and cornmeal and fry them, they taste delicious. Keep up the good work, tasty friends of the sea!!

MONGOOSE
Mongeese (?) fight snakes. Like real snakes, too. Pythons. One time a Mongoose fought Chuck Norris and the mongoose almost won. But you know how it is. Chuck can kill any animal with one punch (except kangaroos, they take several punches and the soundtrack to Billy Elliot).

SLOTHS
Sloths will be the next big deal. They are on the upsing and you'll be seeing a lot more of them around town. You know, at Hyde and Teddys and stuff. Doing lines with Lohan and crashing their beemers into sloth-trees. Oh, and Kitson. Those marsupials will be all over Kitson.


THE OVERRATED aka WHERE'S A POACHER WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

PANDAS
God, are these little turds overrated or what? Seriously, what good do they do? They aren't even bears (at least Koalas can admit this) and all they are famous for is having babies in Chinese zoos. Plus, they don't even taste good (Number 9 special at New Ho Garden). Can they swim? No. Can they fight people? Hells no, they are so lazy. Can they sing or fart on command or do X-rated stuff at zoos? Never. They are black and white and that's about it. You know who else follows that same criteria? Zebras. And they are cooler. Pandas denied.

PARROTS
Parrots belong on Jimmy Buffet's shirts and the set of Miami Vice and shitty art from the 80's. And I don't mean in the ironic sense, either, like ironic moustaches or ironic shades. Parrots are crummy pets cause their piss smells so bad and all they do is sit on your head like they live at African Lion Safari. Plus, they are ugly birds! Parrots have no redeeming qualities.

MONKEYS
Ew ew ew. I hate monkeys. They are like gross little people. Plus, it's like whenever a movie needs some comic relief, they always throw in a monkey in a diaper. EW! STOP! No more monkeys in diapers!! Its just, oh my god. I always avoid the monkey house at the zoo cause they make me so uncomfortable. Is there something wrong with me? Seriously, who else hates monkeys?

LIGERS
If I could go back in time, I would first go slap 10-year-old me for wearing so much Northern Getaway. Secondly, I would go to Jared Hess' house and say "Jared. Listen. Napoleon Dynamite is going to make you a buttload of money. So much money that you will be able to make a second movie (that will be way awesome and it will be called Nacho Libre and Jack Black will be in it and it will have way more quotable lines, and it won't make a ton of money, but it will be way more amazing that Napoleon Dynamte, but anyways) but do me a favour. Don't invent Ligers. Please. You will regret it buddy. You will see them everywhere and really dumb boring people will be all over them. They will talk about ligers for a year and a half and smart people (who will be SO over the movie a year and a half later) will have to listen to these morlocks for way too long until they find something new to ruin. And while you're at it, don't make a shirt that says "vote for pedro" in red cooper bold. Please. Again, you will thank me for this".