Unanswered Questions: Art Attack

Unlike Seinfeld or The Simpsons, which are analyzed to death so that even your Grandma knows that Jerry lives at 129 West 81st Street or that one of Cletus' kids name is Crystal Meth (shit, look it up), some television shows leave the viewers puzzled and in need of answers. Twin Peaks, for example, or Clerks: the Animated Series. But there is one such show haunts my memories, day and night. And that show is BBC's Art Attack. Here are some questions I would love answered:


I would like proof that Neil Buchanan and Duran Duran's Simon LeBon are not the same person.


Why did the head change? It wasn't even a Bewitched "Fire Dick York, Hire Dick Sargeant" scenario, either. They went from a real head to a fucking puppet-head! I was so scared of that thing! Although I must say alot of time was spent between my sister and I going "Ellow! Eets me, tha H'yead!" and bobbing our heads side to side. I couldn't find a picture of The Head, but I could find a picture of the actor who played The Head. The resemblance is so spooky. This man is in my nightmares.


Is Neil a tiny person in a normal world, or a normal person in a giant world? I know this seems like an obvious questions, but really I would like to know.


What was Neil's obsession with having me constantly "come have a look at this"? Jesus buddy, give it a rest. I'm not going anywhere. Additionally, why did he sternly warn me to "try it yourself"? I already sat through an agonizing 6 minute tutorial on the 7 steps needed to make a penguin mask, I don't need to re-create that waste of time again.


Why did all but one of those 'Giant Art Attacks' totally suck? Seriously, he got so lazy, they just all turned out to be Neil using people's clothes and turning it into a scene of people. When I say "all but one", I think we all know which one I am talking about. That's right, the one with the Queen's face made out of $250,000. That one kicked so much ass!


What the hell is PVA glue? Additionally, why did everything he make include a portion made of "pap-EE-ay MASH-aye"? It's like the only art supplies at his disposal were PVA glue, newspapers, one felt-tip pen, and poster paint. Speaking of which...


Why did Neil waste so much Poster Paint?


Why was Neil always bragging about the Art Attacks that kids sent in? 9 times out of 10 they were just crappy drawings about horses (girls), sports cars (boys), and sea monsters (scottish kids).


Why did Neil give me the 'shifty eyes' so much? It's like he was constantly on the lookout for Credit Collectors or his Wife or something. He'd be like "Do you ever want to be able to look up at the night sky (shift left, shift right) in your own bedroom?!?" He always acted like the Art Attack was some kind of secret that only you knew about and that you had to keep super-secret from your parents. I imagine he was able to encorporate the shifty eyes into his daily life.
"Hey Bai Tang...if you can break this $100 (shift left, shift right) you can keep the change!" (I am assuming Neil has a thing for Thai Hookers).
I couldn't find a picture of him with shifty eyes, but I did find a picture of him pretty psyched about a Dog Book (Animal Antics, to be exact).