What the assholes are up to this weekend

Aw, we haven't seen this guy for a while, have we? You know why? Assholes are like Bizzarro-bears - they hibernate for the summer. In Wasaga (if you are unfamiliar, its like the WalMart of beaches - tons of Italian losers at the beach drinking shitty beer and making out with their "Lay-deez". Fuck, Wasaga is for Losers)
Anyways, the Assholes are back in full effect this weekend. Why? Because its the Toronto International Film Festival!
aka The TIFF
aka Douchebag Central
I know that people are gonna write my ass a shitstorm of letters, but I hate the TIFF so bad. It is such a waste of garbage. Shitty, pretentious films that you wait in line for 4 hours and pay $30 a ticket to see. Yeah, that's definatley not my cup of tea. You know what's better? The TUFF - Toronto Urban Film Festival. The Festival for the rest of Ulls. But back to my original point. You know what I hate almost as much as The TIFF? The fucking crowds of people "celebu-spotting". Fuck!! I abhor people who walk around Yorkville searching for celebrities, then getting their goddamned Motorola Razr out to take a bunch of pictures of Jessica Alba or Jesse Metcalf or some other marginally famous piece of crap. Shit, I wanted to do some much-needed back-to-school shopping this weekend. How am I gonna do it now, with Yorkville being turned into loser-ville USA?
* Editor's Note - The Mayor is no longer in school, she just calls it back-to-school shopping to make her less depressed about spending money on clothing.
So yeah, I personally can't wait for The TIFF to be over. I am feeling sick to my stomach right now just imagining all the idiots waiting in line with a shit-eating grin on their face hoping to see Cameron Diaz walk into the theatre or something.
Now I know how Utah feels when Sundance is on. I feel for you people. I really do.
What will I be doing instead? I will be seeing The Brothers Solomon. I don't care if this movie is called 120 Minutes of Whitenoise, I will see anything with Will Arnett and Will Forte. Plus, its directed by Bob Odenkirk. Take that, TIFF!
Have a good weekend Urrbods!!

What the assholes are up to this weekend

Well, if it isn't Friday, my arch nemesis. Today's Friday post is dedicated to Heema, who claims to like Friday's posts. Thanks Heema, keep on smiling little buddy and reach for the stars!
Now let's get on to business. This week, the idiot meatheads will be jizzing their pants to see 'Blades of Glory' ...and I don't blame them. But let's examine the reasons why an Asshole would see it:

1. Ricky Bobby was awesome. Will Ferrell was Ricky Bobby. AKA this movie will be awesome.
2. Most assholes owned a 'Vote for Pedro' shirt.
3. Both Def Leppard's "Pour some sugar on me" and Scorpion's "Rock you like a hurricane" are featured in the trailer.
4. Figure skating is for girls. But girls will like the pretty costumes in this movie, which means that they will be too busy watching glitter and sequins to notice you slipping roofies into their $4.99 Diet Coke.
5. Adam Sandler's only movie out right now is totally queer.

Now let's see why I want to see it:
1. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett as a brother/sister pairs teamThis movie is going to be awesome, untill all the Assholes see it and quote the Hell out of it (incorrectly, I might add).
So what else will they be doing? Well, as stated in a past post, the weather is so fucking awesome right now, you'd be stupid not to throw out your winter coat and all your pants. But beware; once the sun comes out, Assholes sheild their eyes with a hideous monstrosity known simply as OAKLEYS.These sunglasses actually make me sick to my stomach. Ew, like the douche chills I get just from looking at these are indescribeable. And you know Brad/Chad up there has like, 10 pairs. He probably also has a pair of these EW EW EW EW! Don't you hate these? I feel like I'm being molested everytime I look at these! They make me so uncomfortable!!
But of course, I have left the best for last. The One, The Only, 30 Douches to Douche are playing tonight at Arrow Hall with the always illustrious musical stylings of such gifted artists like: The Used (I know), Senses Fail (it's okay, calm down), and Chiodos (?). It's not a free concert either; someone plans to pay $34.50. That's like the Jews getting to Auschwitz and giving the Nazis $50. "Please, take it, take it!! Why I should be tortured for free?"
Now, I'm not alluding to anything here, but I would be eternally grateful if someone were to wink-wink, nudge-nudge, sneak in and "get rid of" Jared Leto and/or 30 Seconds to Mars. Please, I'm begging you. Upon completion, I will reward you handsomly for your work. Don't think of it as murder. Do you think the Italian people thought it was "muder" when they hung Mussolini in the village square? Do you think Jodie Foster thought it was "murder" when she shot Buffalo Bill at the end of 'Silence of the Lambs'? No, no, it's a victimless crime. I'm sure Agnes Leto regrets not smothering baby Jared when he was asleep in his crib. Let's do God's work here. 30 Seconds to Mars is far worse than any Velvet Revolver or Daughtry could ever be.

What the assholes are up to this weekend / Bed Bath and Beyond

Okay, so first of all, I'm sorry but I need to make this post short. I have a job interview today and I need to shower the jizz out of my hair. JOKING!! On to the Assholes: 905's are going to roaming the streets this weekend because we are having unseasonably warm weather. It's going to be like, 70 degrees or something hot like that. So, get outside and go for a bikeride or just cruise the streets. Hell, do me a favour and pick a fight with an Asshole. Anyways, my friend Marina sent these pics to me along with some crazy Japanese fashions. I'm not posting the Asian clothes because you don't have to live in Tokyo to know that Japanese cats dress like cartoon hookers on E. But I am posing the sheets and towels. Why? Because you know every 905-Asshole will look at these and go "Braw! That towel that looks like you are getting head is so sick!"Brad/Chad says: Braw! I get to sleep with a hot chick every night and I don't have to waste all my money on roofies!
The Skip-Raid says: why is the guy in the picture wearing a onesie? Is he 9 months old? I bet it has a flap in the ass for when he needs to make poo-poo.Brad/Chad says: Braw! Look at this! You almost see tits! Look at them! Those are sweet tits!
The Skip-Raid says: you also almost see peen, which makes you a homo.
(upon hearing this, Brad/Chad beats up two passers-by and date-rapes my coffee to prove he's not a homo)Brad/Chad says: Braw! It's like you're fucking a chick in the bathroom whenever you get out of the shower!
The Skip-Raid says: You must be a very lonely person to buy these.

What the assholes are up to this weekend / Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

St. Patrick's Day for an Asshole is like the day he is released from jail; time to party!! I love St.Patrick's Day. It's the only day of the year I will freely admit that I am part-Irish (it's just too humiliating the other 364 days). Sometimes I wish we had a modern-day St.Patrick who would drive the Assholes out of the city. Or just drive into them while they cross the street. Either or, really. So, in honour of St.Patrick clearing Ireland of the snakes of whatever the fuck he did, drink yourself stupid and make out with a Ginger. JUST JOKING!! No one, under any circumstances, should make out/touch/breath the same air as a Ginger. That being said, enjoy your weekend and your green beer. Here are some t-shirts that might be on an Asshole this weekend. If you see them, don't approach them. Let them be.
PS: don't drink green beer. Don't argue with me, just don't.

What the assholes are up to this weekend.

Do you not love this guy? Seriously, let's give him a name, shall we? I'm thinking Brad or Chad. Send me your thoughts. Anyways, so it's Friday again and that means another 2 days of pushing through the assholes all the way along your walk to work (oh, I'm sorry, you don't work on the weekends? That's just great, enjoy your freedom, asshole). So here's your little FYI about the 'weekend warriors' (aka Assholes)
First off, movies to avoid. This one is pretty simple.Wild Hogs, the number one movie in the country last week will probably be number one again since there are no new movies coming out this weekend (well, none that matter...we'll get to that in a second). This movie combines a tonne of things that Assholes are predisposed to loving: motorcycles, comedies featuring Martin Lawrence (with or without fat woman suit), Home Improvement's own Tim "the Toolman" Taylor (yes, there is a "he's a tool, allright" joke in there, but I'll let you make it), and a dork that gets picked on (William H. Macy). Also, Assholes will want to take their ladies to this because John Travolta is in it and John Travolta was in Grease, and everybody knows all idiots love Grease (non-idiots LIKE Grease, they don't have the Grease MegaMix downloaded on their iPod and play it in the car). But what if an Asshole's lady is with her "Ho's" for the weekend? (I HATE when girls refer to their friends as Hos. It's even more lame cause 90% of the time, the "ho" in question has only slept with her highschool sweetheart boyfriend of 8 years.) Assholes that aren't seeing Wild Hogs will be making a poor decision and seeing The Namesake. Why? Because it has Kal "Kumar" Penn in it. An Asshole will see Kumar and assume he is seeing Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj. He will then be GREATLY dissapointed when he doesn't see tits or dog-jizz in the first 3 minutes of the movie. Oh, silly Asshole. They LOVE jokes about dudes eating dog-jizz. But not all the Assholes will be stuck inside of a movie theatre this weekend. It's going to be gorgeous and warm which means they will all be at The Mall. Stuck inside. For hours.
Everybody knows that Assholes go to Florida for Spring Break (Weew! Show me your bewbs!) and that Spring Break is quickly approaching us. (Editor's Note: reading week was last week, but every body knows Assholes take their Spring Break week when American's take theirs. This is called "vacation maximization" and it ensures the most time off possible). To get ready for Spring Break (Weew! Show me your bewbs!) they will be filling Hollister and Abercrombie to capacity to purchase some Spring Break (Weew! Show me your bewbs!) staples. This includes, but is not limited to:
Shell Necklaces
Mandals
and Stupid T-Shirts. You know what I would love? To hire a bunch of guys to beat you within an inch of your life and hope that you "don't remember" who did it. These guys are the worst. You can tell that Brad up there is looking at those mandals and thinking "dood, those are sweet sandals. I should buy those, braw!" I also saw a shirt that said "beers to you". Oh my god, imagine being within 10 feet of the asshole that discovers that joke? That's all you'd hear for a week (that is to say, if you have to spend a week with this person).
Anyways, I must go return some movies: The Little Mermaid and Scarface. Needless to say, they were rented for two different people.
Peace out people! See you on Monday! Enjoy the nice weather, and if I see you at the mall, you better run your ass outta there.

What the assholes are up to this weekend...sort of.

So, there were no new posts on Wednesday AND Friday. I'm sorry. We have all been slacking like cray-cray lately. I don't ever know what to tell you. No excuses. Today SHOULD have been an overview of what the 905-asshats would be doing this weekend, but you know what? Mother Nature took care of the demonseed for us with that huge storm yesterday. All the morons from Woodbridge and Markham are staying home this weekend. So instead, here's what you should be doing this weekend.
I don't know what to make of this movie; will it blow or will it be awesome? Christina Ricci's best movie to date is 'Casper' (all jokes aside, it was clearly Mermaids) so this might suck some lezbo-ass (like she did in Monster). Or, maybe it will die this weekend (The Addams Family) or maybe it will try to have sex with an r-tard (Pumpkin). Or...um...what else has she been in that I can reference. Now and Then? Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain? Drat. Everytime I think of Christina Ricci movies, I just end up at Natasha Lyonne movies. I get the two mixed up sometimes.
Sunday night at 10pm on the Comedy Network (channel 44) airs Comedy Now! (aka The Comedy Network Presents). This week is The Doo-Wops. They are Italian and one plays the guitar. They're no Fraser Young or Katt Williams, but they are pretty tight. Okay, this picture makes them look totally gay for eachother, but I promise they are really funny. I suggest you watch it. Shit, this picture makes them look REALLY gay for eachother. My sincerest apologies.
Or, if you are a big loser and you can't pull yourself away from your computer for longer than seconds at a time, not ever to pee, so you are wearing adult diapers (such as several of us here at The Skip-Raid) then you should YouTube some Sarah Silverman; preferrably the Sarah Silverman Program. Then you will know what 'Cookie Party' is, and then we can get excited together and have soul boners.
And if you are even more derelict than that, then you can get crazy stoned and watch Monsters Inc. like some people I know. Big-time losers, don't worry about it.

What the assholes are up to this weekend.

Looky-loo, it's friday already! I can't believe how fast the week has gone. It feels like just yesterday I was watching the All-Star game in my sweatpants. And now? I'm preparing for an environmental upset worse than Katrina. 905-ers. Here's what douche-tards are getting "mad pumped" about "bra". I HATE when they call eachother 'bro' like "bra". So Lame. Let's do this thing:
Okay, so the movie 'Number 23' comes out today. It stars Jim Carrey as some dude who reads this book, and it's about him or something, and everything relates to the number 23. It sounds mad-fag. Its gonna be a dry weekend at the movie theaters. All the assholes went and saw Ghost Rider last weekend (or, if they are cheap, on Tuesday) so nobody is going to see that shit again. Seriously, if you wanna see Jim Carrey in a serious role, just watch 'Man on the Moon'. That movie is THE SHIT! On the plus-side, Reno 911! Miami comes out today too!Are you pumped? I'm pretty jazzed. Let's face it - assholes won't be seeing Reno 911! Miami. Hell, go see it at The Paramount! It's still gonna be $14, but you won't be gagging on Drakkar Noir when you are forced to look at the ugly meathead with the shell necklace sitting in front of you.
Also, fuck, the Auto Show is still on this weekend at the Metro Convention Centre. This is like idiot-loser-meathead Mecca. WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT CARS THAT MUCH?!? A trip to the Auto Show would be like a trip to Auschwitz for me. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm dead serious. Oh my god, who cares about the next generation of Hummers or the new spoilers on the...the uh...Christ, I don't know anymore cars than the Hummer (and I only know that one because of the lame grade-6 jokes that plague the Hummer on a daily basis). The worst part is the dumb bitches that get dragged along to this shit and then their boyfriend buys them a pink Dodge or Ford hat or something and THEN THEY WEAR IT!! It's almost as pathetic as the pink Toronto Maple Leafs hats.
Also on this weekend is the Academy Awards. I love asshole girls because they will find any excuse to have a party. So you know they will be having an Oscar party on Sunday. Lots of "low-cal snackies" and Sour Apple Martinis. The best part is, the majority of these idiots haven't seen the movies nominated. Why see 'The Queen' when you could see 'Saw 3' or 'National Lampoon's Pledge This!'. You know they only watch the beginning to look at dresses they will never be able to afford and then count down the minutes till they can purchase US Weekly, People, InTouch, Life&Style, The Star, OK!, Hello, etc. etc. etc. to look at the dresses over and over again. Girls can be weird sometimes.
So, The Skip-Raid hope we've been helpful in keeping you in the know about a-holes and r-tards. Enjoy your weekend!

What the assholes are up to this weekend

Happy End-of-the-Week urrbody! Are you as excited about the weekend as I am? No? Cool, respect. Anyways, I don't know where you live, but in my city every Friday the city is swarmed with filthy strangers. They come into the city Friday night and rape and pillage the downtown 'till Sunday morning. We call these leeches '905-ers'. I don't think I need to explain why. All the Brads and Chads pull out their best striped dress shirt from Urban Behaviour and the skanks wax themselves within an inch of their lives (if there is time, they will go get a few extra shitty thick vanilla highlights).


So they pile into their Honda Civics (if they live in Markham) or Mustangs (if they live in Woodbridge) and drunk-drive down to Clubland Mecca - John St. and Richmond St. in hopes of date-raping a fake-titted skank. This is their lives; it's really quite sad, non?
Well, if they can't get rid of their one-night stand from The Guvernment from the night before, then they have to think on their feet and plan a date for Saturday night. It is, after all, the weekend after Valentine's Day. Let romance fill the air as I give you a little once-over of places to avoid this weekend.

The Guvernment (doye)
Seriously, why would you be caught dead here? Sure, its a pretty decent spot for shows: not-too-expensive beers, good acoustics, you are breathing the same air as the band. But come 12:00am when that band exits the stage and you are in line for coatcheck, you can see Society's Discharge just itching to get it (the itching may also be from STI's). From 12:00am - like, fucking 4am, its house/trance/e-tards/eurotrash non-stop. And the meatheads, Santa Maria, the meatheads. As far as the eyes can see. They are like walking boners.


Plus dumb sluts. Plus $20 cover. Plus 'DJ Dicksmack' or something equally gay who keeps saying, in a forced London accent, "Eye wannah see oll tha ladies get woylled! Yeah! Gryynd it, gryynd it!". It's only gonna get worse come March when everything will be themed up like Mardi-Gras (aka The Patron Holiday of Gash-Flashes)

The Paramount at John & Richmond
Not only is this place way too expensive (seriously, does NOBODY go to the Bloor Cinema?!?) but it's packed with Brads and Chads cutting holes out of the bottom of popcorn bags like there's no tomorrow. This is seriously the only movie theatre in the city where you'll see people dressed up like they are going to a club. This is because most of them are in the same clothes they were date-raped/date-raping people in the night before (excuse me - "black-out sex" - skanks get this weird sense of pride that they were roofied. Fools).


So yeah, dumb skanks will wanna see 'Music and Lyrics' with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. I don't blame them. This weekend is shit for new movies. I'd go see 'Music and Lyrics', but that's because I'll do anything to get out of my house and avoid doing the dishes.


On the other hand, the most jock-stastic movie of the past couple of months, 'Ghost Rider' premiers today. WHO IS GOING TO ACTUALLY SEE THIS PIECE OF TRASH?!?! Come on! My cousin is 6, is super-into Batman and Spiderman (we are both counting down till Spiderman 3) and even SHE knew Ghost Rider was going to be gay. A six-year-old! Give her a damn movie studio. But you know what they say: "Give a 6 year old girl a movie studio, and she will eventually finance a movie about a man in a fat-woman suit". That explains how 'Norbit' was the highest grossing movie last weekend. Good God.


I say, save yourself the $14 you'd spend on 'Ghost Rider' the movie and spend it on Ghost Rider the belt buckle. Viva La Buckle!

And, as usual, they will finish off the night at The Old Spaghetti Factory. Two can dine for $12.99.