Perez Hilton: 14 minutes, 58 seconds

Last week, Perez Hilton (who I normally wouldn't give two shits about, unless it was to make fun of him. So, here we are) was gearing up to launch the shitshow of the year; the Perez Hilton clothing line for Hot Topic (the purveyors of all things fashionable). Anyways, Monday came and went, and there was a surprising lack of mention on his blog about it. Hmmm..I wonder why? Let's ask a Hot Topic employee, shall we?

"ONLY 7 people showed up.SEVEN.That’s it.Mario was BEYOND upset texting and DEMENDING the right water,food,ETC he was a rude royal pain in the ass and BEYOND crass... My manager was trying to get people to come in to meet Perez by handing out $5 gift cards NO ONE WANTED TO MEET HIM! ...he left around 8:45PM without saying goodbye to anyone & looked like he had been crying like the little bitch he is. We sold a grand total of $6.45 of Perez Hilton items between 6PM - 9PM. My manager has already talked about discounting his ‘line’ !”

AHAHAHAHA!!! You stupid loser! Perez Hilton is such a vain, pathetic person, so I feel absolutely no guilt or remorse when I laugh at his stupid ass. He is in Toronto this weekend, and I would love to run into this assclown. With a car. Or a giant vat of hot french fry grease. But knowing my luck, it probably wouldn't affect him. I imagine he is like the monster from The Thing. That movie is freaky!!

The Inner Monologues of Heidi and Spencer

HEIDI MONTAG: Wow. Look at everybody looking at my new boobies. Look at them bounce! Boing! Boing! Boing! I will never get sick of this! I can wear whatever I want now that I have ginormous boobies. I can wear a nightgown to the MTV Awards if I want to, because nobody is looking at my fashion faux-pas, they're looking at my new boobies!! I am finally more famousser than that bitch Lauren Conrad. She doesn't have boobies like mine. Hers are all small and jiggly and squishy. Mine are like two rock hard...um...boobies. Yes, that was a good one. You rock, Heidi!! And my new nose is so cute and small. I am so glad Spencer opened my eyes to what a hag I was before him. Gawd, without him I would still be wandering the streets of LA with a big fat nose and no boobs, and seriously, I should thank him every day for that. If I hadn't met Spencer, I'd probably just be another one of those ugly single girls with girlfriends and movie nights and shopping trips and self-confidence, and a job I am proud of. He is such a good influence in my life. Sigh. Look at him. What a prince. Now, back to my boobies!! Take a good look, people, it's not like you can see rock-hard tits just anywhere in LA!! Ow, my chest skin hurts...

SPENCER PRATT: Yeah, look at 'em tits. They're all mine!! Just like dating a stripper, but without spening money! I am such a genius. Seriously, I am like Einstein or Moses. If she won't let me hang out with the Playboy sluts, then I'll bring the Playboy sluts to me! Yeah! You rock, bro!! Aw fuck it, who am I kidding; I'm still gonna cheat on her ass.

The Skip-Raid's Guide to The Green Living Show

This weekend was Al Gore-fest at in Toronto, and boy, what a show! I quite enjoyed it, but there are a few things I would change for next year's Green Living Show.

Less HippiesSeriously, I know this was the Green Living Show, but come on! There were too many fucking hippies! Not even cool hippies, either. These were those idiot nu-hipipes, like the one pictured above. Stupid r-tards that smell too much like weed and hampster cages. While waiting to buy a reuseable coffee filter, I had to stand in line and listen to two hippies talk about the company's frog logo. "Owe man! That frog is so kewel! He is just jiving on his lilypad! This is the work of a true artsist!" Sometimes I am jealous of the deaf.

Less A-HolesOn the other side of the douche-spectrum, we have a-hole yuppies. There were so many assnut yuppies sauntering around the Green Living Show, I felt like I was in an SNL sketch.
Guelph Girl - I want that
Green Living Employee - M'am, that's a model condo. It isn't a real house
Brad/Chad - How much for that condo? $1 mil? $2 mil?
Guelph Girl - Yeah, $2 mil?
Green Living Employee - No, you don't understand. Come Monday, everything is being disassembled
Brad/Chad - $2 mil? Do you rent?
Guelph Girl - Yeah, do you rent?
Brad/Chad - Do you rent?
Guelph Girl - Yeah, do you rent?
Oh my god, and it was like this everywhere I went! So many Chloe bags and Deisel jeans! And they all drove to the Green Living Show! Like, why are you there?!?!

More Organic CoffinsIt was amazing! Plus, the Organic Coffins and Natural Funerals booth was one of the more popular booths. It's like the A-Holes knew we want to see them die!

More furniture from WiggersSeriously, dude. It's called "the internet" or "google" or "a teenager". Ask one of them what the word 'wigger' means to them, and I'll give you $100 if someone actually says 'quality, sustainable furniture'. People, do your research before you name your company.

More McDonaldsSeriously, I could have gone for a Big Mac.

Less KidsWhen I think of the Green Living Show, I think of a great experience to open the eyes of Toronto's ignorant and show them the little changes they can make to leave a smaller footprint on this earth. And when i think of the Green Living Show from a child's perspective, I think of the most boring 3 hours you could spend not playing or singing or looking at cool stuff. Come on people, the majority of the booths were for sustainable drywall and hydroponic cat grass and energy star washing machines. Does this seem like a kid would find it interesting?!?! No! Fuck, that's boring even for me! I took a look around the so-called "kid village" and let me tell you - it was one step away from a foster home. No toys, no snacks, no TV. I think they got to colour, but you know those places always have crappy blunt crayons.

More PyrotechnicsThat show could use alot more fireworks.

Anyways, all in all, it was a great show. Let's hope next year they take my suggestions to make next year the best goddamnned Green Living Show ever!!

SaTURDay Snack

Hey Nibblets! I'm gonna make this quick, since I don't usually post on Saturdays, but I'm not hungover so I thought I'd give you a little something. I got tonnes of great news this week about The Skip-Raid; more people than I thought are reading this diarreaha and I couldn't be happier! I'm not being a c-u-next-tuesday when I say I really really love all of you and am totally grateful for all the hits. Thanks so so much!Moving on, I just found these pics of my future husband and I thought I'd share them with you. I'm not going to ask him to wear a tux on our wedding day because I wouldn't want to cover up the beauty that is his body. I mean, I got a great ass; ergo, I plan on wearing an assless dress. Why not? Free dinner and a show - that's my ideal wedding.Oooh, he's cool. Cool as ice, even. I bet he owns a pair of the sunglasses from the post below.