I rate snacks.

M&M Indiana Jones Promotional Mint Crisp Ms.
Well...what can I say? They are chocolate. They are mint. They have a cripsy middle. Wait, wha?Yeah, crispy middle. Wasn't too sure how I felt about that. But let me first address the more pressing issue at hand; what the Sweet Pepaw Harrison Ford does mint M&Ms have to do with Indiana Jones?!? I know that they are marketing this movie pretty aggressively, but mint? Huh? You couldn't just make a bag of Peanut M&Ms all yellow and call them Gold Nuggets or something? Was mint a popular flavour amongst the Nazis? Does mint remind Harrison Ford of the mouthwash he needs to use everyday or else his dentures will start a'stankin? I don't get it. And why the Green M&M on the package? They couldn't turn the Melting Nazi into a M&M character? Plus, will you take a look at the colours?!?Pastel green? Yeah, I guess that is what I immediately think of when I remember the Indiana Jones movies. Lots of sand and weapons and whips and hot sun and...lush green foliage? Oh dear. The good news is they actually taste pretty decent. Mint and chocolate is an obvious win-win, but that crunchy middle is a fresh reminder that M&Ms needs to start updating their stable of ponies. Plain and Peanut are getting pretty tired.
GRADE: B+
I would actually buy these again.

Candy Update! If any of you find an interesting candy or food product, please send it my way. I would love to try it and...uh...profile it on The Skip-Raid? Fuck the jokes, just like getting presents of candy. Peace!

My Father buys my love with Candy.

Every year my father goes on a golf trip to Virgina. And every year he asks what we would like him to bring us back. When we were kids, we wanted toys, then clothes. One year he brought me a package of thin jelly bracelets. I LOVED that year. I thought I was so cool. This was, of course, waaay before those bracelets meant sexual stuff you did on the playground. Anyways, for the past few years, my dad has been brining us cereal and candy. We can get candy and cereal in Canada, but it's not nearly as cool as American stuff. We have Froot-Loops, America has Froot-Loops with marshmallows and glitter. We have Skittles, America has Skittles with Baby Teeth. One year I asked my dad for Cocoa Pebbles. He forgot which cereal I wanted, so he went to a grocery and bought every chocolate cereal in the aisle. I got Cocoa Pebbles, Coco-Puffs, Cocoa Crispies, Generic Cocoa Snaps, Store-brand Choco-Cracks, etc etc. It was the best month of my life, for reals. This year he surprised me with a few gems. And what kind of person would I be if I didn't share them with you? Let's do this! Let's rate candy!

We have 3 different candybars today: Butterfinger Stixx, Twix Java, and Mounds. The Butterfinger Stixx come in a nice little package. I feel like I have been given a present that I get to unwrap. Although it does seem like a little bit excessive; why do I need candy wrapped in a package, then put into a box? I'm not buying this shit at Costco. Unwrapping the Butterfinger sticks (I'm sorry; I refuse to call them stixx. Is this 1993?) was fiddly; they aren't terribly durable and you feel like you are going to snap it in half. It looks like when your shit slides out of your ass and makes a long cigar. I never do this, but I am told it happens. On to the taste.It said that the inside was supposed to be Butterfinger candy creme aka cream. Well..I'm sure it becomes cream when it digests in your stomach. It's more of a chalky peanutty centre. Also, it tastes like hazelnut, which is a let-down because I really love the fake-peanut-orange taste of the Butterfinger middle. But I will give the Butterfinger Stick this; I like things that let me pretend to smoke, so this gets 1 thumb up.Next on the chopping block is the Twix Java. This comes fast on the heels of many a fantastic Twix re-invention. Twix, Twix Fudge, Peanut Butter Twix. I was apprehensive at first because normally candybar + coffe = shitty diaper, but this is FAN-fucking-TASTIC. The caramel is mixed with coffee, and the cookie is chocolate instead of plain. When you throw them together, you get what tastes like a chocolate-brownie-sundae. I really enjoy this. Very mellow coffee taste; if anything, it just brings out the natural chocolatey taste of the cookie. Sorry for the blurry picture, but you get the idea. Chocolate plus coffee caramel plus chocolate. I would cut these into bite-sized pieces and serve them to guests. The one thing I don't like about the Peanut Butter Twix is that it is too dry. The regular Twix is very sweet. This is a lovely balance. I give this one a very fat thumb up.And of course we have Mounds, a candybar that unlike the Butterfinger Stixx and the Twix Java, will not be finding its way to the 2 for $1 bin at your local convenience store. I'm sorry, but that's the way "new" candybar launches end. Mounds is a fantastic candybar (for those who love coconut) and a steaming pile (for those who hate coconut). The Almond Joy is Mound's milk chocolate brother (with an almond on top), and I prefer the dark chocolate. That coconut middle is so sweet, so I like the subtle bitterness. Also, I like how Mounds, like Twixm is split into two. Its like you finish one, and then surprise! you get another one! Plus, you don't have to waste precious eating time unwrapping it. I think Mounds may be one of my favourite candybars ever. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

All in all, I think my dad really scored one for the home team. He took a risk with some new candybars, and I am glad he did. Thanks pops! I owe you one!!

Goddamned Ginger Wednesday

Okay, so as mentioned last week, I had a rull good Ginger planned for this week, but they will have to be put on hiatus till next week. Why? Because as I was in the candy store this week, I realized one of my most beloved mascots is, technically, a Ginger. Well, he's red. That seems to be the only working criteria here at The Skip-Raid. Being red or having freckles (so, in theory, Punky Brewster could be featured. But won't. Because she was awesome and should not be made subject to that kind of humiliation. Cute story, when I was 5 (or 6? Mom, you reading this?) I went as Punky Brewster for Hallowe'en. I had the hightops and the one pant leg rolled up, and the bandanna on the other. I even had the sunshine hairties too. Wow, that was a rad costume. If I can find a picture, I am so posting it.)
Back to the Ginge. Here is this week's Ginger:Name: Jelly belly
Age: Indefinate shelf life
Why he is famous? I will always hold a special place in my heart for anthropomorphisized foodstuffs. Also, he is the mascot for Jelly Belly, the candy that made jellybeans go from something poor kids used as a sandwich filler to absolutely derrishis!
Jelly Belly is a pretty cool guy I suppose. But I find it queer that he is wearing a chef's hat. Is that to imply he makes the beans? So he is making things in his image? Small, little things? Shit, I think Jelly Belly is an anomoly for God. Psyche!! Weird! Speaking of weird, take a look at this awesomely weirded out kid and JB himself.Shit, that kid is not having the Jelly Belly. Also, I love that this JB isn't wearing his chef's hat. Instead, he is sporting some kind of backwards hat / yamulke. I guess he is trying to appeal to rappers / Jews.
But with so many flavours, which are the best? Well, you could just buy a sample bag, but then you would be spending $9.99 for all of 20 beans (seriously, why are they so effing expensive?) so I'll save you the trouble and give you the good, the bad, and the mildly retarded.

THE BEST
Cotton Candy - fuck, I could seriously eat a whole bag of those. They are so good.
Buttered Popcorn - you heard right. I don't know what it is about the combo of salt, butter, corn, and partially hydrogenated high-fructose corn syrup, but sweet Jesus, those are amazing.
Island Punch - what in God's name is Island Punch? Who knows, but any jellybean with a hint of waxy-crayon and subtle notes of lavendar and grape are all right by me.
Orange Sherbet - they are just slightly sweeter and more orangey than they Orange Juice flavour (so can we please just eliminate that Orange Juice flavour?)
Peanut Butter - here's another one of those beans that is like a Frankenstein. How do you make peanut butter into a clear, gelatenous bean? Who cares?
Crushed Pineapple - I love eating these with the Coconut ones. And yes, I know they make a Pina Colada one. Please see below.

THE WORST
Pina Colada - it tastes no where near as good as when you put a Pineapple and a Coconut one in your mouth at the same time
Bubble Gum - the thing that makes bubble gum, bubble gum is that you can blow bubbles. If you couldn't do that, can you think of anyone who would still chew that shit? Its so gross.
Jalapeno - why? Why is this a bean? Why?
Margarita - the drink itself is dissgoose-ting. Like, you already have a Lemon-Lime bean (which is one of my favourites) so why add Tequila (ew...) and salt (EW!!) to it?!? That makes about as much sense as having a Rum and Coke bean or a Long Island Ice Tea bean (I know some alcoholic is just foaming at the mouth right now)
Tutti-Fruitti - just call it what it is: All The Remaining Scraps
Cantaloupe - why create a bean after the only thing people won't touch on a fruit plate?

TIME TO RETIRE, OLD MAN
Strawberry Daiquiri - was this even a contender? We have Strawberry Jam (really good) and Strawberry Cheesecake (surprisingly nice) and then Strawberry Daiquiri, the one that just doesn't cut it.
Black Liquorice - people who are into black liquorice, I have found, are like, really into it. They go whole-hog with that stuff. Like the extra salty Finland blacks that just taste like pure Satan. I woudl think that eating a Black Liquorice Jelly Belly would be, how you say, pussying out.
Cappucino and Cafe Latte - okay, so a cappucino is like 1/2 espresso, 1/2 milk. A latte is 1/4 espresso, 3/4 milk. Why are we dedicating 2 beans to this? That would be like having a Toasted Marshmallow and a Regular Marshmallow bean. Pick one!
Cinnamon and Sizzling Cinnamon - again, what is the difference? Both are hot and gross and are FUCKING CINNAMON! Who eats those?!?
Lemon and Lemon Drop - what is it with the doubles, Jelly Belly? Did you have that hard of a time thinking of 50 flavours? Shit, here are some freebies:
Beer
Cherry Pie
Mountain Dew
Chocolate Chip Cookie
Chocolate Pretzel
Red Licorice
Juice Box aka Fruit Punch
Creamsicle
Cheddar Cheese
Gooseberry
Shit
Piss
Fuck, okay, maybe it is hard. But did you not notice that I didn't go "Chocolate Pretzel...uh...Dark Chocolate Pretzel...Milk Chocolate Pretzel...Pretzel..."
Like, this is your job! To make delicious flavours that I will buy and eat and eat and eat while watching Law and Order: Special Victim's Unit (sorry, Christella M, I missed Gossip Girl, which I have re-named Jossip Jearl after jossip.com...or how about My Name is Girl. You pick)
Leave your suggestions for Jelly Belly flavours in the COMMENT section.

Epic Candy Battle 3001: Cherryhead vs. Grapehead

Lemonheads. Sweet coating, soft sour shell, hard candy core. Classic. Now, unlike the shitty band that named themselves after them (trust me, when your biggest hit is a sped-up cover of an already fine pop song, you suck), these candies are quality. Cheap, simple, pleasing to the senses, and contained within nice-looking tiny boxes. People realized this, ushering in the glorious era of the fruit head. Included here are the two very best of the brand, battling it out for supremacy for your reading pleasure today, Cherryhead and Grapehead. Head to head. Let's Go!

ROUND 1: COLOUR
Cherryhead - dark red
Grapehead - violet (purple is for chumps)

ROUND 2: TASTE
Cherryhead - Sucrets
Grapehead - Grape-flavoured Tylenol

ROUND 3: SIZE
Cherryhead - rabbit testicle
Grapehead - gallstone

ROUND 4: CHOKING POTENTIAL
Cherryhead - high
Grapehead - high

ROUND 5: FREAKINESS OF MASCOT
Cherryhead - substantial (dude's got a fucking stalk coming out of his comb-over!)
Grapehead - considerable (think old lumpy grampa)

ROUND 6: MOST DISSAPOINTING ASPECT
Cherryhead - lack of oral sex jokes on packaging
Grapehead - lack of oral sex jokes on packaging

WINNER: Cherryheads, because I ate them all first.