Law & Order: SVU
Why the hell is there a picture of 7th Heaven? Because SVU did not dissapoint on its promise to provide viewers with some serious D-list guest stars, and this week we got REV. ERIC MOTHERFUCKING CAMDEN. Now, I myself have never seen one full episode of the shitshow that was 7th Heaven, because it was effing lame. Any show with Ashlee Simpson or She-Hulk Biel (before she became She-Hulk) is a guaranteed failure. But that didn't stop me from getting excited last night when Benson and Stabler track down a murder suspect and who turns around? The Dad from 7th Heaven and...the asshole guy from Legally Blonde! Jesus, last week it was Didi Conn (Shining Time Station!...oh yeah, and Frenchie in Grease) and the guy who ruins every film he is in. What's his name...ah yeah, Robin Williams. The star of such cinematic masterpieces like Flubber and Bicentennial Man. Anyways, moving on. Here's what happened (WARNING! M. Night Shyamalan-like twists ahead. So if you Tivo'd this shit, stop reading. SVU is useless if you know the ending before you watch the episode).
Okay, so Benson and Stabler arrive at a crime scene that has been burned to the ground. Right away, that is your cute that there isn't going to be any kid-rape. If we opened on a playground, however. So yeah, they are looking around and meet a Firemarshal who in my opinion, was a little too chatty. I was like "oh, he totally did it!" Yeah, then we cut scenes and never see him again, so all his fire-puns and leading questions were for naught. They discover the Vic is a stylist who has been fooling aorund with some rich guys. What, Rachael Zoe wasn't available? Perfect casting if SVU decided to have the Vic come back as a zombie. So they start where most detectives start; the Vic's Angel Healer! What was that all about? I love how they are like "the Angel Healer told us to find an African guy down at the New York Stock Exchange...let's roll!" instead of saying "wait a second...why are we listening to a source that is perhaps less credible than the rambling homeless junkie downstairs?"
So they hit up the stock floor and meet Rev. Camden/Gordon Gekko. He tells them they are looking for his son, who is in Rio or something getting coffee beans (they are coffee magnates). Needless to say, a sickening ammount of coffee/bean puns are made. The nest day they track down the son who is flying back, and he has been in aruba. Right now, the son is Public Enemy No.1 and they think that the dad might be covering up for the stylist peacing out. Both are taken downtown. While at the precinct, Cragen tells Benson to wake up Munch and get him down to question Pops and the kid. It is 2am, by the way, so Munch is a pissed off Jew. By the way, now would be a great time for me to mention that I wish Munch was in more episodes. I love his character, althought the Transitions Lenses I could do without.
Munch buys them enough time to pin them to the crime scene and ADA Novak waddles in with some DNA proofs. I say waddled, because homegirl is looking f-a-t. I think they might be trying to cover up a real-life pregnancy or something, because it looked like she spent a weekend locked in a Chinese Buffet. I will look into it. Novak finds some great stuff; the son was engaged to the stylist and the dad got her pregnant. Obviously, the son punches the dad in the face. Rev. Camden, how could you?!? This just backs up my theory that the Vic was a ho fo' sho.
Now both are prime suspects. They are bazillionairs and the stylist put up a fight over a pre-nup. Son = murdered the ho because she wasn't going to sign and would take his ass to the cleaners. Then she gets pregnant with dad's baby. Dad = murdered the ho because she demanded more hush-money. It was anyone's game. Then my least favourite part of the episode happens; the defense lawyer shows up. Ugh, they are always cocky bastards like "you're goin' down, ese!" even when there is irrefutable proof that they did it. This week's defense jackass is some Jamie-Lynn Sigler lookalike who won't shut. the. fuck. up. Seriously, she was such a prick.
They go to court and the son turns on the dad. Uh oh! Someone's going to the pokey! No one admits anything, but both are adament that they did not kill that ho (fo' sho). 9 days of deliberations go by and it's a hung jury. Novak corners maybe the best Court Cop in the history of the series, a part that could have been played better only by Mo'Nique. The cop tells Novak that it was one juror that thought they were innocernt; everyone else was 100% the dad and son were in on it together. Novak then tracks down the renegade juror (um, is that legal?) and does some serious Matlock work. She discovers that the juror cashed $25000 one day and $25000 the next. Shit! Hush money! Doesn't that woman know you ask for unmarked $20s? No paper trail. The juror is a single mom who says she took the bribe because her son has CP and she might get kicked out of her home. Boo freaking hoo. Maybe you wouldn't have to worry about not paying rent if you didn't live in the most expensive city in North America, jackass. Shit, I can't live in NYC and I am doing alright for myself. Novak realizes that if they go back to court, they will just keep bribing helpless jurors, so she tries to get the proof that the woman was bribed. She was given the money by a PI, and not the dad or son. Benson and Stabler go to investigate the PI, who conveniently has a photo of him and the dad on his wall. All the evidence has been shredded by the secretary, so they are basically effed. Then they do a little police rooting at the crime scene and discover a hidden camera. Convenient! They ask the dad, son, and their lawyer into the police station to view it with them, and at this time, they know who the killer is. The tape reveals...it was the lawyer!! Oh snap! She runs out of the office and Novak is all like "no worries, bitch ain't goin far" and then the emergency alarm goes off. Homegirl made a run for the roof and is standing at the ledge. Pfft, cry for attention.
The son tries to talk her down and she keeps yammering on and on about how she was better for him and the stylist was a ho who was after his money and bla bla bla. He then goes up to her to get her down, and she hugs him and says something like "If I can't have you, no one will". Psycho talk! Then she pulls him with all her weight over the edge and they land on a police car's roof. Deadsville! Rev. Camden breaks up, cause his son is dead, doye, and Novak stands there with a desperate I need 12 cheeseburgers look in her eyes. And then it ends! The killer dies, the son dies, and the dad drowns his sorrows in a 7th Heaven marathon.
